Author: Omnicat v''v
Rating: K+ / PG
Genre: Humor
Spoilers & Desirable Foreknowledge: No particular spoilers, but you should know all you can about the canon for the simple reason that it is an awesome thing.
Warnings: Wicked!Relena. Complete silliness.
Pairings: Heero Yuy x Relena Darlian and implied Hilde Schbeiker x Duo Maxwell.
Disclaimer: The characters in this story are not my creations. The only thing I gain from using them for my own amusement is, you guessed it, my own amusement.
Summary: Years of political intrigue could not corrupt Relena Darlian?s mind, but now, without warning, it has finally happened. Face to face with the consequences, her best friend is left with one burning question: "In the name of all that is holy, WHY?!"
Author?s Note: Inspired by, and dedicated to, Ingvild, for being more than a little brilliant.
<center>II-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-I-oOo-I-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-II
All?s Fair
II-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-I-oOo-I-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-II</center>
"What, he ain?t happy to see me? It?s been over a year, the least he could do is look this way for a sec."
"Oh, I?m sure he is. It?s just that he discovered the joys of reading recently, and he?s been absolutely engrossed in his books ever since."
"Really? What?s he reading?"
"Ladies? romance novels." Relena answered brightly.
Hilde gave her a bewildered look.
Duo stood with his arms crossed over his chest and head cocked to the side, his brow a wriggling, wrinkly mess of confusion, mouth working ineffectively. "You mean... lesbian porn?"
"No. Romance novels written for a female audience." Relena said, perfectly unperturbed.
"Yeah, right."
"No, really."
"You ain?t seriously telling me Heero?s so busy reading sugary love stories that he can?t even be bothered to say hi to his old buddies?"
"Oh Duo, you know he cares about you regardless." Relena soothed, seemingly completely missing the point. For as long as Duo had known him, Heero had had a habit of brushing off human contact whenever he was immersed in solitary activity. Which was almost always. But that solitary activity usually wasn?t the reading of romance novels!
"Are you sure he isn?t just being passive aggressive about something by reading those things? Trowa does that a lot, maybe Heero picked it up from him."
Relena laughed. "I don?t think so. But why don?t you ask him? See for yourself. He?s really enjoying those books."
Duo gave her a look like she?d grown a second head, but marched down into the garden with purposeful strides. Hilde, whose mind had skipped the "no way, really?!" part entirely and moved straight on to more pressing matters, turned to Relena.
"Where did Heero get romance novels?" she asked, eying Relena suspiciously. "Did you give him yours?"
"Goodness no, I would never have recommended any of mine to Heero!" Relena laughed. "He found them."
"Found them. You mean he went looking for them?"
"Well, I?ve suggested he?d have a look through the library for ages, but he was never very interested. Then one day I came home from work and found him in bed, reading one of the books I keep in a box in the bottom of my closet. He said he?d gotten bored waiting for me and decided to see what it was I like so much about them. He?s been hooked ever since, can?t get enough of it!"
The women shared a look of wonder. Hilde was slightly disturbed by how delighted Relena seemed to be about it, though.
"You told him though, right?" she asked urgently. "That it?s trash?"
Relena raised her eyebrows at her in confusion. "Why would I?"
"Because it is!"
"Well of course, but why would I tell that to him? He likes them."
From down in the garden, Duo provided the proof that Heero did, indeed, like Relena?s trashy romance novels, by means of a deafening "WHAT?!". Relena gave Hilde a shrug and an ?I told you so? look.
"But -" Hilde struggled to put her visceral resistance into words. "If you let him keep reading he?ll start thinking this stuff is good. Which it isn?t! It?s... pure sugar. Eat too much sugar and your teeth will rot, read too many of these books and your brain will rot. Not telling Heero the truth about them - letting him think this is great literature or something - that?s like criminal negligence!"
"Come now, Hilde." Relena crossed her arms over her chest and looked at her friend with an indulgent smile that was beginning to take on a strange edge. "You say that as if there?s nothing to these books but fluff. Surely you must admit that even the sub-par specimens in this genre have their merits."
"I?d have to do some very inappropriate things to the definition of ?merit? to say that." Hilde said, putting her foot down and planting her fists on her hips to counter Relena?s crossed arms. "Why would you let him waste his time on these when there is so much else, so much better out there? Resentment because he never took up any of your good suggestions but instead got totally hooked on your cheap bedtime filler?"
By now Relena?s laughter had taken on a decidedly devious edge. Her eyes twinkled in a way that unsettled Hilde. Relena Darlian did not do devious. She wasn?t Dorothy Catalonia!
"Why? Tell me Hilde, why do we read these books, hm? We?re intelligent women. We know how large the world of fiction is, how wide its range of styles, subjects, quality. We could read anything - and we do, when we feel like it." She gestured dismissively with one hand. "But for some reason we always come back to these trashy romance novels, no matter how much grand literature we?ve found since the last time we took one up. Why?"
The answer came almost automatically; "For the sappy romance and the sex scenes."
Hilde didn?t know what threw her off more - Relena?s uncharacteristic behaviour, the nonsensical question, or the fact that the answer rolled off her tongue so readily, as if she had sighed it to herself time and again as Duo snored and drooled into his pillow beside her.
Relena nodded knowingly. "But romance and erotica aren?t limited to these types of novels. You find them in almost any genre. Why, of all things, these cheap paperbacks?"
"What? Seriously Relena, what -"
"Just answer the question Hilde. You?ve already mentioned the answer."
"...because they?re schmaltzy and bigger than life? They?re the type of romance stories that never happen in real life, pure wish fulfillment. Is that it?"
"That?s exactly it." Relena confirmed with a bright grin.
Hilde stared. Her mouth fell open, her hands slid from her sides, Duo and Heero?s banter, growing ever more heated on Duo?s side, slid over her as a meaningless stream of sounds. She could only stare as Relena watched Heero stare down a towering and wildly gesticulating Duo from his deck chair with diabolical adoration. For a while her mind struggled valiantly, but eventually she had to give up.
It quite simply did not make a lick of sense.
"But what the hell does that have to do with Heero?! You?re not telling me he?s reading those things because the romance with you isn?t to his satisfaction?"
"I can assure you that Heero gets anything he could ask for and is more than content." Relena said affably. Hilde didn?t doubt it. "But what if I told you that despite his established satisfaction, our relationship has still improved since Heero has started reading my novels?" she said meaningfully, leaning towards Hilde. She looked about ready to start grooming her eyebrows. "That he?s starting to develop a gentleman?s manners? That we are mysteriously finding ourselves in romantic settings and situations with growing frequency? That I?ve gotten more foreplay in the past few weeks than in the past two years combined?"
And then comprehension began to dawn on Hilde. Suddenly her mind was awhirl with realisations and mental images of a Heero Yuy with broad shoulders, thick muscles, bare chest, strong jaw and windswept hair, holding in his arms a fawning, thick-lashed, fluttery-garbed Relena. But no, she couldn?t mean - those things just didn?t happen, men weren?t...
"You mean to say... that Heero?s been emulating the heroes from your romance novels?" she exclaimed.
The wide, positively wicked grin on Relena?s face said it all. "He has a very interesting learning curve. Laugh all you want -"
That Hilde did.
"- but Heero used to sound like a biology textbook and act like an automated technical manual. And don?t even get me started on flirting! Now? He?s not just starting to sound like a regular guy - he?s becoming a living personification of women?s romantic fantasies! And the best part is that he's enjoying it as much as I am!"
"This is why you let him read that trash?" Hilde hiccuped, trying to regain her composure and put back on the disapproving frown she had had to abandon so suddenly.
"You understand, don?t you Hilde?" Relena pleaded with a grin, pulling her friend into a conspiratorial hug and giving her an exhilarated shake. "It?s like I found a cure for the common cold! How could you blame me? I know it?s not right, but I?m only human! I love him just the way he is, I really do, but how could I possibly resist this temptation?"
Hilde wiped tears of mirth from her eyes and shook her head disbelievingly. Her gaze shifted between Relena and the guys a few times before she finally spoke, a grin forming on her own face. "It?s low, Relena. Real low. But I gotta admit, you have a point. I probably would have done the same thing in your position."
Relena gave her a squeeze and giggled girlishly, enjoying her moral transgression to the fullest. Meanwhile, Duo threw his hands in the air, clearly at his wit?s end with Heero.
"Just don?t tell Duo I said that."
"Hm, but maybe telling Duo is exactly what you need."
Hilde decided that as terrifying as it seemed at first, watching an evil grin form on Relena?s face was a very, very good thing.
<center>II-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-I-oOo-I-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-II</center>
PSAN: This is by no means an attack on trashy romance novels. They?re one of fanfiction?s closest sister genres, I?d say!
All in good fun. You know what they say: if society gives you silly stereotypes, squeeze them for silly fics!
