What If? chapter 5 (PG or PG-13, 1xR)

[AmberEyes]

What If?

Like I said... ridiculously proud of myself for getting this done so fast.

By the way, just to warn you, there is the slightest bit of an intimate scene between Heero and Relena in this chapter (finally). It shouldn't be too much to worry about though.

I do not own Gundam Wing

Chapter 5


He was walking through a field? a red field. It was not natural, but stained. Stained by the hundreds, maybe thousands of mangled and twisted corpses that littered it. The smell of blood and rotting flesh was combined with gunpowder as he continued to journey through, what he knew to be, his hell. It was the aftermath of a battle, and he knew that every body that lay cold and motionless amidst the crimson grass was placed their by his hands. He had been here many times before. This was his punishment for all of the blood he shed in his short, pathetic excuse for a life. He had to visit all those whose death he caused every night in his sleep.

He walked with his head down, his chocolate hair matted with blood from his many battles. His hands, his body, his clothes? forever drenched in the odd warmth of the freshly spilt crimson liquid. The Prussian blue of his eyes were cold, hard, uncaring, unfeeling? soulless. He acknowledged the faces of the many soldiers, some he recognized from executing them face to face, others he had never seen before. Nameless, like him. As he kept walking he noticed that soldiers suddenly turned into civilian corpses. Men, women, even children all dead because of him, and he couldn?t feel anything.

He stopped when he came to the body of a small girl, a little dog curled by her side lifelessly. She wore a white dress with a blue sash and matching sun hat. In her limp hand, she held a small yellow flower. His heart gave a violent squeeze. The action was foreign to him at first, but then he began to recognize the guilt, the sadness, and the empty hopelessness that settled in his gut. He brought his hands into his line of vision. They were red with blood and shaking in front of him, unable to control the convulsions that suddenly wracked his body. He tried to wipe them off on his equally bloody clothing in a vain attempt to keep his guilt from consuming him.

He lifted his head and caught the eye of a girl, a living girl, and recognized her immediately. It was her? his likeness. She was standing only a step or two away from the same corpse where he had stopped. Her Prussian eyes, so much like his, were filled with the guilt and sadness he felt, but could not express. They shimmered with unshed tears for all who lay dead in the field. She looked up from the lifeless form in front of them and looked deeply and purposefully into his eyes, ignoring his blood streaked features.

?I?m? s-sorry?? She choked, the first tear escaping from the rim of her eye and traveling over her cheek down to her chin. ?I never wanted to? kill a-anyone.?

The rest of her repressed tears began to cascade down her face as she dropped to her knees, in much the same way she had in the kitchen that day. He stood, confused. Why dose she feel guilty? All this was caused by him and him alone? she did nothing and therefore should not suffer.

?Please, I won?t survive this much longer?? She pleaded, looking back to the small girl and her dog. ?? I just want my family, my friends.? She continued to cry.

Before he could ask her what she meant by this, she threw her head back and a shrill, blood-curdling scream ripped from her throat?

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Heero jolted awake and bolted into an upright position, his likeness? scream still echoing in his ears. He sat for just a moment, letting his breath even.

This reoccurring nightmare started a couple of years ago, but the presence of his likeness was a new occurrence. She appeared for the first time a couple of weeks ago, doing nothing more then just standing there, looking at him sadly. But as the nights passed, she started sinking slower and slower into desperation. This was the first time she actually screamed out. At first, he thought that, with all that had happened to him, her presence was normal, but now it was beginning to frighten him.

Once his breath slowed to a normal pace, he took in his surroundings out of habit. He was in one of Relena?s guest bedrooms. The room was comfortably decorated, not overly gaudy, but still stylish with the basic bedroom needs, a wardrobe, dresser, two side tables (one near his bedside and one in the opposite corner of the room holding a lamp), and the Queen sized bed he slept in. The coloring was done in neutral tones of beiges, tans, and browns, most likely so anyone staying here would feel comfortable regardless of who. Relena didn?t live in the mansion she had back when she was the sovereign, but it was still a decent sized house. Downstairs there was a fairly large living room, small dining area, and the kitchen. Upstairs were three bedrooms, two guest and Relena?s, and one full bath. He has been here for almost a week now, so brining up a mental floor plan wasn?t difficult in the least.

Heero felt much more relaxed once he was finished mentally mapping out Relena?s house. The early morning light spilled into the room from the open window, giving the walls an orangey-yellow hue. He looked over to the clock at his bedside. It was almost 7, and Heero knew that Relena was expected to attend a conference later this morning. Not wanting to run into timing issues, he decided that now was a good time to use the bathroom.

He pushed the cream colored sheets off his legs and stood. He wobbled slightly, but then began walking, only his slightly slower speed betrayed the difficulty in his steps. He made it to the bathroom in a few short strides and immediately went to the sink. He supported his weight against the counter for a few moments before turning the faucet on. He splashed the refreshing, cool water against his face and took a deep breath. He brought himself back to a standing position to examine his appearance in the mirror. He almost fell over at the sight.

It wasn?t his reflection staring back at him, but her. Right where he should be standing was the girl who has been haunting him since that night a few months ago. Before Heero knew what he was doing, he felt his fist make contact with the cold smooth surface, shattering her. He closed his eyes as he felt shards slicing into his knuckles. He withdrew his now bleeding hand and cautiously looked back to the mirror. Only his fractured image stared back. His eyes, harder and colder then before.

You have to understand? she said.

A sudden mix of voices and emotions swirled through his mind.

Oh no? Heero! ? Quatre.

Aw, come on man, I know you love her? Duo.

Who did this?? Trowa.

You could always stay with her? Wufei.

The voices of the Gundam Pilots continued to ring in his mind, always expressing concerns or attempting to break through his exterior. Indiscernible emotions continued to pummel him. What?s happening?

You need to understand? she soothed.

Understand what!

?Heero? Heero!?? came Relena?s voice this time, brining a completely different set of emotions with her. She sounded so real to Heero, but was she? How can he tell? ?What?s wrong Heero??

That was it? this was too much for him to handle. Heero took every emotion and every voice, real or not, and pushed them all back as far as he could. Farther then he ever had before. Then he felt nothing. Truly felt nothing.

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Relena was standing at her closet trying to decide between suits when she heard a crash. She stood there for a moment, waiting to hear something? anything to tell her that nothing serious just happened. After a few long moments of silence, panic overcame her and left her room still clad in her night shirt and shorts. She noticed the bathroom light on and ran the short distance, wrenching the door open. There, standing in front of her, was Heero, his hand bleeding. Every muscle in his body was tight and strained, and there was a far off look in his eyes. The mirror he was staring into was shattered.

?Heero? Heero!?? she said as her fear deepened. ?What?s wrong Heero??

She saw him slowly move his hands up to his ears while sinking to his knees with equal speed. Her heart pounded in her chest, not believing she was seeing this. Heero was kneeling on the ground with the palms of his hands firmly pressed against his ears. The only equivalent she could come up with to better describe the sight in front of her was that of a broken child, desperately trying to cut out the world he can?t understand. She moved toward him, trying not to startle him while avoiding the little splinters of reflective glass that littered the floor. She reached out and touched his shoulder, squeezing gently.

?Heero? Heero look at me.? She said softly, but he appeared to not be listening.

She moved a little closer, moving to sit up on her knees by his side. She shook him gently. He just stayed unmoving and unblinking. She felt her heart dive into her stomach and she took his other shoulder in her free hand and turned his upper body to face her. What she saw had her near hyperventilation. Heero?s eyes were wide and blank. Not cold and hard or guarded, but blank. Like there was nothing there. He was breathing slowly and deeply, but there was no life.

?Heero!? she exclaimed, drawing their bodies closer together until her face was nearly touching his. ?Heero? look at me!?

She slid her hands up his arms, laying them over his, and forced his eyes to meet hers.

?Please look at me?? She said in a softer, tearful tone, earning no response.

She moved her face closer to his until her cheek was resting against his. ?Please don?t do this Heero?? she whispered, tears spilling from her sky eyes, running hot against his cool skin. ??don?t do this?? She moved her head so that her forehead was resting against his, her eyes connecting with his. ?Heero? come back to me? I can?t lose you again??

She stared, searched for something, anything that would tell her that he was alright, that he was going to come out of this catatonic state. Her body was beginning to tremble from anticipation when she saw his eyes come back into focus. He blinked a couple of times as the life slowly returned to his features. She was so happy and relieved that she drew him into her arms. Before she realized her actions, she lightly brushed her lips against his.

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He felt like he was waking up slowly. First, his body began to register that there were hands covering his and something warm pressed against his forehead. Then his senses became aware of the familiar vanilla and lavender scent. His eyes came back to focus, and he thought he was gazing into the sky. He blinked a couple of times, and realized that he was actually staring into Relena?s teary eyes. Her face lit and he felt himself being enveloped by her warm embrace. He let himself settle into her arms, then she pulled away slightly, grazing his lips with her own in the simplest of caresses.

At first, Heero didn?t know how to react. He felt warmth invade his body, and his first instinct was to pull away, but he didn?t want to. His body responded, slowly beginning to move his lips against hers. When she reciprocated his movements, he placed his hands, hesitantly, on either side of her waist and pulled her off her heals and closer to him. He rose onto his knees as well and wound his arms around her waist, pulling her body flat against his. He felt her arms tighten around his neck, her hands entwining in his hair, pulling him closer to her, deepening the kiss. His slightly robotic movements and awkwardness melted away as sensation after sensation washed over him.

He felt her gasp as one hand began to trace up along her clothed back and took the opportunity to deepen his explorations. He slid his tongue into her mouth as his hand tangled with the long, silken locks at the back of her head. She moaned, and the sound sent enticing shivers down his spine. His heart beat erratically and breathing was becoming more difficult as the warmth that was consuming him settled in his stomach where it began to burn. One gentle hand untangled itself from his hair and slowly traced over the bare skin of his chest. Her hand settled at his hip and gripped it tightly. Nails dug into his flesh as their tongues danced seductively, feverishly, never before knowing such a want? such a need to taste her.

He broke away from her lips to taste the soft skin of her neck. The sharp contrast of pain in his side and the softness of her skin gave him an unintelligible pleasure as he trailed his lips down to her collar bone. The warmth of her body against his and the scent of her enveloped him, caressing his senses until he was no longer sure where he ended and she began. Was it he who was trembling, or her? Perhaps they were both shaking with a mix of pleasure and fear. She arched her back against him and every curve of her body pressed tantalizingly into Heero?s bare torso. He traced erotic patterns along her skin to the swell of her breast with his lips and tongue. Goosebumps rose from her flesh as her breath came in pants and was whimpering with pleasure. The sound caused the slow burning sensation in the pit of his stomach to roar into a sudden inferno, and, startled, he pulled back.

He looked at her, questions, he knew, were evident on his face. She smiled at him encouragingly as her fingers lightly teased the sensitive strip of flesh between his hip and navel. More delicious shivers moved through his body as he took his hand from the back of her head, resting it on the side of her face. He traced along her cheek bone with his thumb and it left a deep red smudge in its wake.

He pulled his hand away from her quickly, like he?d been burned. He drew farther away from her until he no longer felt her contact. Heero looked over the rest of her body and realized that he had left a bloody trail from her waist to her cheek, even her golden hair glistened crimson where he touched it. She put her fingertips to her cheek and seemed startled when she withdrew a reddened hand. Realization donned on her and she reached out and took his bleeding hand within hers.

?Lets get this cleaned up, Heero.? Relena said sweetly.

He jerked his hand out of her grasp and averted his eyes. The ironic symbolism was too much for him to ignore. He?s tainted? he?s dangerous. He can?t let himself get close to her, it would put her at risk. What if he hurt her? What if? he wouldn?t let it get far enough to find out. When he looked back, her eyes were gazing at the hands twisting in her lap. Her hair fell over her shoulders in blonde curtains, blocking her face from his view.

?I?m sorry.? She said and quickly stood and left the room.

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Heero paced the floor of the living room. There was something wrong and he couldn?t place his finger on it.

Relena left an hour earlier then what was necessary to make it to the conference on time. But what bothered him wasn?t the fact that she was obviously trying to avoid him (or so he was telling himself). What was bothering him was the fact that since her departure, he had made several attempts to get a good trace on the assassin and couldn?t come up with one. True, he hadn?t been able to do so at any other time either, but he still felt like he should be making some kind of progress by now. Maybe he was looking at this the wrong way. Or maybe he needed to be distracted for a while, you know, that theory about coming up with solutions through distractions. Who said that again? Heero couldn?t tell you, because his mind was racing with far too many possibilities to think straight.

He grabbed the remote sitting on the table with his bandaged hand and flipped on the television. That should be a good enough distraction. He flipped through mindless show after mindless infomercial, not able to register the images on the screen, his mind was still moving faster then he could keep up with, and his outward appearance of calm, cool, and collected had long since abandoned him. Now he was actually glad that Relena left early. Seeing him this bothered might worry her too much.

He flung the remote onto the couch and resumed his pacing from one end of the room to the other. A familiar voice caught his attention and Heero looked back to the television screen. He had absentmindedly left it on a political broadcast network of some kind, and the station was playing a clip from a conference where Relena was addressing the audience. In fact, it was a clip from the conference she was at the night he was stabbed. The T.V. had his full attention now.

?? That was a clip from the last speech made by Vice Foreign Minister Darlain before taking a leave of absence to deal with the murder of a close, personal friend of hers more then two months ago. She is expected to make her return today at the Universal Conference, with representatives form every region on Earth as well as the Colonies. Major issues will be addressed, such as, how to regulate laws with equal punishments and restrictions through out the Unified Nations? `This is still just a fledgling Government, and it requires much attention and care in order to make sure that it will continue down the right path.?? That quote was taken from Darlain at a press conference just a few days ago. The young Vice Foreign Minister to the Colonies is very well known for her ability to draw peoples attention to her cause with eloquent and passionate speeches.? The anchorwoman finished and, with a smile, turned back to her co-anchor. ?And that ability will certainly be tested today won?t it, Matt??

The older man returned her smile and said. ?It most definitely will, Dianne, but you have to wonder if she is ready to step back into the political arena after such an extended absence? and you also have to take into account the tragic reasons for it. Is she going to be stable enough to make correct decisions after witnessing??

Heero turned off the television with a disgusted click. If anyone was going to make the right decisions today, it will be Relena. How people were still able to question her was beyond him.

He frowned. With such a large gathering of important political leaders, he was sure that the security measures would be extensive. He shouldn?t be worrying about it, but he was. After all, that was what he thought before testing out the security at her last conference, and was shocked to find it so lax. He knew that there would be many Preventor Agents there as well, but Wufei wouldn?t be there, he was confined to desk work by Une until further notice, and that only made him worry more. He didn?t know or trust any of the other Agents, and they couldn?t be as well trained or thorough as he or Wufei. But he was supposed to be in hiding.

After some mental debate, Heero decided that it couldn?t hurt to scan the perimeter at least. With his decision final, he made his way into the warmth of the late morning. He looked at his watch. He had less then fifteen minutes until the beginning of the conference. If he hurried he might make it on time. He looked around and noticed Relena?s car in the driveway. He took a deep breath and prayed that she never found out.

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After Heero found the car keys, it took him about fourteen minutes to get to the conference hall. He already felt a little bit of the anxiety from earlier begin to ease just by standing in the parking lot. He stealthily made his way to the perimeter of security, and found its weak spots fairly easily. Even taking his extensive training into consideration, he still thought it to be a little too easy.

Seeing the weakness in the perimeter, he decided to veer off his original plan and do a thorough check of the systems in place. He was about halfway through his inspection when he heard Relena?s voice come on through the speakers. He stopped and smiled. How this woman continued to inspire such a protective nature in him, he wasn?t sure, but he was oddly comforted by the fact that she did.

Just as he was about to begin walking again, something out of place caught his eye. A door to his left was a little ajar, and he was sure that he could see something in the shadows. Heero, despite the difficulty in getting his leg to respond as well as it used to, moved quickly to the door and pulled it open completely. Laying motionless on the floor were two Preventor Agents. Heero bent down to check their pulses. Dead. Both of their necks were broken cleanly. He checked them for their weapons. Gone. He cursed his stupidity in not brining his own weapon. Behind the bodies, he saw a hidden stair case that these two may have been guarding.

Slowly, he ascended the steps. His senses became acutely aware of his surroundings as his muscles tensed, his body poised to take out anything he deemed a threat. His mind knew nothing but his mission. He was not human, but a tool for destruction. He was, once again, the perfect weapon he was raised to be. As he came upon the landing, Heero hid himself among the shadows and looked around for the offender. He was on some kind of private observation room or balcony that gave the occupant a perfect view of the room below. It was large, and a whole story above the other balconies in the hall that were overlooking the arena below, where the conference continued? it was obviously designed for a ruler.

Just then, Heero caught the glint of light reflecting off metal. He looked in the direction it came from and saw a shadow of a man, strategically hidden by shadows and curtains, on the opposite end of the room from him. He steadied a sniper rifle on the railing, finger poised to pull the trigger, and seeker trained on the speaker? on Relena.

He was moving before he realized it. Running in the direction of the shooter, but his leg wasn?t cooperating the way it should. He wasn?t moving fast enough. He pushed himself harder, stretched his limits as far as he could. It wasn?t enough. He reached out his hand for the barrel, but just before his fingertips made contact with the smooth metal, he heard the high pitched whine of a bullet passing through a silencer. He was too late.

I failed? was Heero?s only thought.
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Sorry for the cliff hanger, but if I can keep up this pace I got going, then it won't be long before I get Chapter 6 up. Also, this was my first attempt at such an intimate scene between two characters... ever.

Sorry for the repetativeness, but please let me know what you think so I can get better at this...

[11krage]

I really liked when heero shut everything out, the way you wrote it really portrayed what he was feeling so well in such a emotive situation. I can't see Heero being able to sit around and do nothing so the actions he took in going to the conferance were very natural. I can't wait to see what happens in the next chapter.

[Death 12]

Another good one - I like the way you're portraying Heero's mental and emotional state in the wake of his injuries and his anxieties about Relena's safety.

Also found the way he flinches when he realises he's bloodied Relena a good way to end that scene, as that's usually portrayed as one of his main worries by people, I think you've approached that aspect well.

[Fate Lowe]

I agree with krage and Death on this one. Wonderfully written. I can't wait to see what's next.

[flipped]

love all the scenes. you really portrayed them well and pulled off the switch of tones smoothly.