Author: Omnicat v''v
Rating: G (K)
Genre: General, Romance, Angst.
Spoilers & Desirable Foreknowledge: Gundam Wing, Endless Waltz.
Warnings: None.
Pairings: Heero Yuy x Relena Peacecraft
Soundtrack: None.
Disclaimer: They?re not mine... sadly.
Summary: One of the manifestations of love between Heero and Relena. How can they know what will become of them if they don?t try to be together?
Author?s Note: Well, since the response to the last fic I wrote in this style was so good, I decided to try it again, despite my initial scepticism. And what do you know, I?m actually getting used to it! An intimate first person POV in the present tense really seems to fit stoic, silent Heero. Even if it feels awfully stream-of-consciousness-y. -.-
The Love is... series which this fic is a part of currently consists of:
More Than This
Worry beyond Control
Taking Risks
A Sentinel
Stronger than Duty
In this order. So if you like this fic, do read those too.
<center>II--o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o--O--o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o--II
Taking Risks
II--o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o--O--o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o--II</center>
I?m leaving.
I?m packing my suitcase. I?ll be done in a few more minutes; there?s not much to pack. I?m leaving.
I am leaving.
?Are you leaving, Heero??
I close my eyes. Annoyance flares up, only to die a miserable death. Why did you have to ask that? You know what I?m going to do. I?m... I...
?Why??
?I can?t stay.?
I turn around to face you. Why? To make sure, to make it even harder? The look in your eyes... It?s already started. You?re hurt. I?m causing you to suffer.
I can?t stay. I?ve always loved you, but now we?re in love. My hormones are playing tricks on me, on my body, on my mind. We?re losing control, and everything seems so much more intense than it used to. Having to leave hurts.
?Don?t you want to stay??
I.... I.... She?s expecting me to answer, but I can?t say it. I just... can?t. I can?t even shake or nod my head. It?s just too hard. I want to, but God, it?s so hard...
?My presence would only burden you.? Such a lame excuse, but it matters more than anything else. It doesn?t make sense. Nothing does anymore. ?The media would hunt you down and your colleagues would question your ethics.?
?Your presence would make me happy.? she counters. She takes my hand and brings it to her chest, where she clutches it in both her own, over her heart. ?Happy enough to make the burden seem like nothing in comparison.?
Ideals. Ideals without any base in reality. ?How would you know??
?My heart tells me so.?
You just want it to be so. You?re dreaming, Relena. I can see it in your eyes.
Now they narrow - have I become that see-through? I must leave - and your face sets in determination. ?Why can we not at least try, Heero??
That?s right. You don?t like me talking down on dreams and ideals. ?The only thing it takes for a dream to become reality is determination.? And what about fear? How easy is it for that to become reality?
?It can?t work, Relena.? It never does. Has the infatuation made you forget what the world is like?
?How would you know?? you mimic.
Don?t get your hopes up. Please, Relena, you?ll only get hurt more in the end.
?Why can we not at least try, Heero?? you repeat, your voice almost pleading.
I remain silent. It?s just too hard...
Anger flares up in your eyes, and your voice becomes loud. ?Don?t you want to try?!?
I flinch. Just like that, before I can stop myself. Uncertainty comes over your face, your stance.
?Heero...? The hand on my cheek startles me, and I look up into your eyes. Clear, calm and blue as the summer sky outside even as a storm must be raging inside of you. ?Are you frightened??
I can?t take this. Can?t keep my eyes open, can?t keep looking at your face. Yes, Relena, I am afraid, and all I can think of is running away, before my fears become reality!
?Oh, Heero.? Your every touch is torture, your arms around me make my shudder from sheer ecstasy. Don?t let go of me, I wouldn?t know where to go if I lost you.
?Why do you do this? Relena...? I whisper into your hair. Tears well up in my eyes, and they won?t be pushed down. If you?re doing this to me, then what could I do to you? ?I don?t want to hurt you.?
The warmth of your body seeps into me, shattering things inside of me that used to seem so solid. My thigh and calf muscles and my knees feel weak, I feel the need to curl up into myself, and still you only hold on tighter. It feels like I?m bleeding to death, and your presence is the only thing keeping me alive.
?Sometimes, love requires you to take risks, Heero.? you whisper, stroking my hair. ?I?m willing to risk getting hurt if it means I get a chance at your love.?
My body is starting to tremble. I can?t take this...
?I love you, Heero. All I ask is one chance for us.?
My arms tighten around you. I don?t remember when the last time was this happened to me, but now I?m crying. Only, I don?t know why, because I don?t feel sad. I?m trapped between agony and ecstacy, a mind-numbing feeling emanating from behind my ribs.
?Why are you doing this to me??
?I know you?ve been hurt in the past, Heero. And I know you never want to cause anyone any more pain. But this pain is worth it. It?s the unease of getting used to something you haven?t experienced in a long time. On the other side of this feeling is something so wonderful... The reward is well worth it, Heero. I promise.?
Is it? This is the way of the world against your word, Relena. A risky move if you really want me to stay.
How did you know I would believe you?
But I think Relena would leave her pacifist ways behind and kill me if I tried. 
Good one, dear!
AE
