Author: Omnicat
Rating: PG-13
Genre: General, Angst. But there?s a bit of Humor and Romance at the end, too.
Spoilers: The Gundam Wing anime, the Endless Waltz OVA, and the Episode Zero manga.
Warnings: Eh... this is Heero?s life I?m writing about... the guy?s been through a lot.
Pairings: Heero Yuy x Relena Peacecraft
Soundtrack: ?Somebody?s Baby? by Pat Benatar and ?It?s My Life? by Bon Jovi.
Disclaimer: Gundam Wing is mine only when the current owner decides to give it to me. I haven?t received any word of this happening any time soon, though, and I sure don?t have the money to buy the rights to Gundam Wing, as I do not receive any profit from writing this.
Summary: Heero reflects on his life, which has been a constant struggle to find himself and break free from the restraints others put on him.
Author?s Note: *falls into the room as the door opens, panting heavily and looking thoroughly exhausted* Okay, here it is. *drops fic within reach of the reader* This thing literally cost me a full seven days do write. Heero?s mind has more twists and kinks than... than... I?m sorry, but my brain is too worn out to provide me with a sufficient comparison. I?ve had to take some liberties, as next to nothing is known about our dear, friggin complicated little Heero, but I?ve kept as close to the canon as I could.
I?ve debated posting this in the Believe Your Love showcase, but as the conclusion of this fic is heavily 1xR, I?ve decided to pretend that that (showing how their relationship formed from Heero?s POV, considering his past and the things that made him into who he is) was the point all along, and post it here.
Because of an overexposure to Relena-bashers elsewhere on the net, I?m slightly obsessed with showing Relena?s true role in Gundam Wing and proving that Heero really does care about her even during the canon. And I like to believe that with this, I?ve accomplished that at least partly. PLEASE, GIVE FEEDBACK!Now, enjoy your reading. *collapses and passes out*
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Lost and Found
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My life... how should I describe it? I?m not very good with words, as handling them has never been a priority. I?ve developed a habit of thinking in metaphors and writing little snippets based on my feelings, though, because I?ve found it to be a good way to describe the more elusive aspects of my life. Putting thoughts into words has a purifying effect, takes the edge off of pain and takes away confusion, almost as if you transport the past from your heart to the paper.
Maybe that?s a good way to start. Yes...
I do not remember my parents or my real name. Both were lost to me at a very young age, and it is likely that I?ve been an orphan for most of my life. Maybe I?ve never even had parents at all. The earliest parental figure I can recall was a man called Odin Lowe, a man who killed for money. It was always clear, though, that he was not a father to me; he was a mentor. While under a contract to call each other ?Dad? and ?Son? in public situations, he took care of me and taught me how to survive - and how to kill. Young, vulnerable, lonely and impressionable as I was, I adopted his life as my own. I was only Boy, but while I was with Odin, I was his Boy. Odin?s mannerisms, habits, teachings and moral standards were the ones I used to shape my own small life, which had been empty and meaningless. The last thing he told me, to follow my heart, is something I?ve kept with me all my life, though it often went against everything I was taught.
When Odin died - I was seven at the time - I fell into a void. Everything that had made up my existence was gone all at once, because Odin had been everything to me. My entire young life revolved around him. Sometimes, I still wonder what I meant to him... but such thoughts are useless. Odin is dead, and I?ll never know.
J gave me a purpose again. I became his boy before I could stray too far from the track I?d followed as Odin?s ?son?. I had no idea who I really was, and there was no path for me to take. Yes, there was Odin?s plan: to abandon me on the colony to find myself an orphanage or foster family and gain a normal life. But I didn?t understand why he wanted such a life for me. It didn?t make any sense, given his usual behaviour. He?d prepared me for the life of an assassin, why would I suddenly have to turn into an ordinary civilian? In all truth, I had decided not to let him leave me before we?d even left the shuttle, stubborn as I was. Stubborn, and scared. I didn?t want him to die. Instead, I wanted him to come with me, to take the escape route I?d secured and go on with our life together. Yet, die he did, and I became aimless, empty. Again. I was older then, and wiser - wiser than a child my age should have been - and the thought of having to continue my life without a map to guide me, scared me more by that time than any insecurities or childish scares my toddler?s heart had. I was still too young for the kind of self-reflection and mental self-reliance Odin?s death forced upon me.
I was left roaming the streets of the colony he died in, the daze and adrenaline slowly being washed away by the ?rain?, and that?s where J found me.
Another thing I sometimes wonder about is how many kids he scared off with his... creepiness is the only way to put it, before I came along. Though I wasn?t easily scared even at that age, as I had taken to mimicking Odin?s stoicism (though I failed miserably in adding his suaveness), I have to admit that I stared at J quite a lot in the beginning.
J?s sudden appearance came like a gift from a benevolent higher power, and, with Odin?s last piece of advice in mind, I pushed the thought of ?What in the heck?!? aside and accepted the offer to become a Gundam pilot.
Wufei once said that if there is anything that indicates that the ethnic descent printed in my passport (Japanese, because J took me to L1; Japanese ?territory?) is the right one, it is how completely and fiercely devoted I am to my goals. ?Kamikaze Yuy? has become a nickname of mine. I?m not sure if I?m supposed to be pleased with it. But I digress. I gave becoming a Gundam pilot my all. Well, all I could give, anyway. Part of me - call it my Freudian ego* - was untraceable when the metaphorical call to arms came. I subconsciously tried to fill the gap it left with my devotion to J, just as I was used to identify almost completely with Odin. J must have noticed this; it was Odin?s look in my eyes that he liked so much, in the beginning. He loved to play mind tricks, and I quickly became his favourite subject. Unlike Odin, who had neither had any experience in nor the time to learn how to raise children any other way than he trained his partners, J took plenty of time for my mental development, next to my physical and tactical training and regular schooling. He couldn?t have all his efforts go to waste because the student went nuts halfway through, after all.
I was a quick study, and willing to follow orders at any cost. I was completely selfless in my dedication. Too selfless. I lacked in personal initiative and flexibility, so that?s what J went to work on. He once told me that I was an excellent terrorist, but not yet a fighter for freedom and peace. Looking back now, I realise that J wanted to prepare the part of me I was blind to myself, for the gruelling confrontation of all out war.
If he would have succeeded will forever remain an unanswered question. Because he hadn?t counted on the girl that was walking Mary. The day I killed her and her dog was the day the person I?d become - Odin?s son, J?s Gundam pilot - met face to face with the part of me that had been ?lost since the day I was born?.
Now J had never made it a secret that he wanted me to be perfect. I knew what I was supposed to learn from him. ?What?s your favourite colour? You don?t know? Well, you?d better figure that out, then. We can?t have it used against you without you even noticing it. There?s no need to look at me like that, everything can be used against you if you don?t know how to defend yourself. You have to know yourself, my boy, and you have to know yourself better than your enemy ever will. You must know your weaknesses, learn to acknowledge and mask them when necessary, and learn to overcome them if need be. You must know your strengths, and the reason you are strong, so you?ll know what to do when your strength fails you.? That was J?s idea of perfection: a complete human being with impeccable balance. He believed an enemy could never defeat you without your own consent. Failure or defeat was always your own fault. What it took, in his opinion, was a strong sense of self, the knowledge and ability to use yourself, boost yourself, or destroy yourself, and lots of willpower. I had the latter in spades and was, with J?s help, slowly starting to learn the former. I had the potential to become perfect. But I failed at the crucial stage, the guilt and grief broke me, and I was ruined. I can still hear him say it, through the haze of shock.
I think he tried to distance himself from me.
When Dekim Barton heard of my ?malfunction?, he demanded I?d be retrained. J complied. But just like when Odin wanted to abandon me, I had already decided I wanted it to be otherwise. I was still young, but I was no longer a scared child. J?s efforts to make me self-conscious and take my own initiatives had started paying off. But again, I wasn?t able to make the decision for myself.
The little girl and her dog had struck a chord in me none of my other victims ever had before. As a small child, it did not entirely register what I was doing when I helped Odin in his assassinations. I grew up in a world where it was perfectly normal to do such things. As I got older, this of course changed, but I never truly developed the instinctual reluctance to kill one of my own species. And that was just it... the girl and her puppy were almost alien. They were so innocent, so content in their ignorance - everything I?d never been, all I?d always been looking for. And I destroyed them the very same night I met them. That day was one of realisation, of epiphany. That night was one of growing up.
It took the boy Odin had wanted to set free from the moment that the first mobile suit fell to the moment I arrived back at the base with Mary?s corps cradled in my arms to meet and merge with the boy J had been trying to lure out. Of course, this is not true: the only thing I learned about myself that night was that I never wanted innocent people to get hurt unnecessarily again. Most of the things I write down tonight I only came to understand years after the establishment of peace.
Many cultures have some form of coming-of-age ritual a boy must perform to become a man. Mine consisted of committing the greatest atrocity in my own books. Without initially realising it was the worst thing I could have done, I must add. If there?s one thing I can?t take, it?s not realising I?m making a mistake, and then coming face to face with the results.
Maybe I could have ?gotten over it?. Maybe J could have fitted the shattered pieces of my being back together, if he?d had the time and opportunity. But he didn?t; my retraining according to Dekim?s methods was to commence at once. The period that followed was... sheer torture. It?s hard to think back to. The memories are, though partly repressed and faded with time, painful. The only good thing that happened in this chapter of my life was my meeting with Relena, near the end of it. But I?m running ahead of things.
J had never treated me badly. He was strict and demanding, but fair. He was ruthless, yes, but not cruel. Before the death of the puppy-girl I didn?t know there was a difference, but I learned quickly. When I did something wrong under J, my punishment was meant to teach and improve. He constantly pushed me to my limits, but never asked anything from me if there was more than 75% chance that I couldn?t do it. (The way he calculated that percentage was actually pretty funny.) Innocence and soft skin were useless, he once told me, but wounds only left scars: flaws in a structure that must be perfect. Dekim had left him to his own devices as long as things went smoothly, but after I accidentally destroyed that residential area full of citizens, he labelled J?s methods as faulty.
My reprogramming reflected Dekim?s personality; I was to have no weaknesses, no personality. There were no ethical objections when it came to fulfilling my missions. Civilian casualties and other collateral damage of any magnitude were acceptable as long as they didn?t negatively affect the mission. All that mattered was that the enemy was destroyed or discredited. I was expected to operate according to these guidelines without question, and without fail. Failure or disobedience was unacceptable, punishment severe and meant as a means of oppression. I was to feel no doubt, no guilt, no fear, no anger, no hatred or affection. Ironically enough, discovering my own personality became much easier when I wasn?t allowed to have one anymore. They started brainwashing me. I tried to run away. More than once, when they hadn?t gotten to me yet. But if there?s one thing I could always count on with J, it was that he was devoted to his mission. One way or another, he would get his revenge for Heero Yuy?s murder. The mission was more important than me. If he had to break me, his most prized accomplishment, destroy everything he had worked so hard on and redo it according to standards he didn?t agree with to be able to send his Gundam and his pilot to Earth, he?d do it. He did it, in the same ruthless way he?d trained me before.
I never had to wonder about what I was from then on; I was the most precious tool he had, his weapon that he had to forge to the best of his means. If he felt any of this things he didn?t allow me to feel anymore about what he did to my wellbeing, my humanity, he did not show it. I was no longer his boy. I was his weapon.
For several reasons, though, I like to think that he cared about me in some way, even if just a little bit; he knew me. He?d moulded me and monitored every move I made and every word I said during my previous training. He knew how much I could take. I was completely at his mercy, without even the slightest chance to defend myself, because I never got the opportunity to recover from the shock of my horrible mistake. He could have - he should have - destroyed my humanity completely, and built me from scratch. But all he did was take advantage of my dazed, defenceless state to bury my humanity alive. He forced me into the role of what would later be referred to as the Perfect Soldier. He closed the armour around me and though I fought it just as hard as I?d once worked to embrace the part assigned to me, I eventually had to give in, or else I?d mentally suffocated. But, as Trowa once phrased it: if J had really wanted me to be a perfect soldier, he?d have shaved me bald.
When the time to launch Operation Meteor finally came and J was, as I prefer to see it, able to secretly carry out the plan the way he?d wanted to all along, he gave me the choice between Dekim?s way, his way, or no way at all. I chose the way I?d been prepared for before my retraining. I was teetering on the edge of insanity at that time, going as far as putting a gun to my head to make the torture in my head, in my heart, stop, and to this day I still consider myself lucky for the loyalty for the man who made it possible for me to find my own way, that made me decide thus. My loyalty was blind.
On one side, there was my own, fragile self-consciousness, smothered in the bud but still trying to break through. On the other the agonizing shell of Dekim?s retraining that kept my newfound identity locked where I couldn?t find it anymore. My sanity was being crushed in the middle of that, kept intact only by the mission. Duo, who saw me on the battlefield in those days, can tell you how close my focus on the mission bordered on constant hysteria. When I descended to Earth, a third source of pressure was added: Relena.
Relena stumbled on my unconscious body, went after Dekim?s soldier, looked past the ruins left by J and Odin, and somehow found me. She saw beyond the perfect soldier facade, focussed her attention on the person inside of me, and within days managed to penetrate every shield I had raised and reach the me I?d lost. She grabbed my hand and pulled me from my confines, and by the time I noticed, I?d saved her life.
It freaked me out. There?s no prettier way to put it; I fled.
But unlike after Odin?s death, I wasn?t able to crawl back into the dubious comfort of my conditioning. Hell, that was the last thing I wanted! Relena kept believing in me, and drew strength from that faith, thus keeping the both of us steady in those tumultuous times. She always has faith in everyone, and never judges. She believes that every person is equal, and that everyone has the potential to become strong and do what they think is right, if only they have a purpose. All because of the purity of her own heart. She believes we helped each other cope, but I know better; she had the confidence to pull the both of us through, to simply be able help me was all she needed to gain the strength to go on herself. It just couldn?t have been me she drew her strength from. I was a wreck of a man.
And to think she had the nerve to call me amazing. But again, I?m running ahead of things.
As much as it frightened me and weirded me out, her unwavering trust in me inspired me to act on my emotions after the New Edwards disaster and offer my life to the Noventa family. New Edwards was like the little girl and her puppy in that it made everything horribly clear, all at once. It showed me how I was being used - not so much by Treize, who had set the trap, but by Dekim Barton and J. And it was enough of a shock to remind me of who I really was and make all the conflicting conditioning fall off like ill-fitting pieces of equipment. It was a numbing kind of clarity that allowed me to look at all that had happened with the objectivity of an outsider. When I awoke from my coma at Trowa?s circus, after my self-destruction in Siberia, I had a lot of time to think. The guilt I felt - about Mary and her young mistress, about everything I?d done and had been willing to do on Dekim?s and J?s orders, about New Edwards - consumed me. I felt that everything had been my own fault, because I was the one that had let it all happen.
So my first successful act of rebellion was also one of repentance. I travelled through Europe to offer my life to the relatives of the man I?d killed. They had more right to decide about my fate than I, who had let others use me over and over again, with such disgusting results. None of the Noventas accepted my offer. In hindsight, it wasn?t really a bright move to ask a family of pacifists to execute me. Later, much later, Relena finally got the chance to give me a letter from Noventa?s widow. She?d originally meant to give it to me in Antarctica, but due to a series of developments, she didn?t get the opportunity to until years after the war had ended. I think I might have cried if I?d gotten it in Antarctica... But again, that is merely speculation. It didn?t happen.
After my interrupted battle with Zechs, I was once more left without a purpose. It was a rather annoying pattern in my life. The colonies had turned on their ?saviours?, the Gundams, and J had stopped handing out instructions, believing I was dead. I went to space, in hopes of finding a trail through the maze of the war and make myself useful again.
And that?s where I became completely free. I got myself caught in the Lunar Base, where J also was. My loyalty to him was still intact when I came there. It was gone when I left. He sold me out in order to save himself. That made me realise he wasn?t worth my blind trust. Probably because of my upbringing, I?ve never been able to think in the conventional terms of ?wrong? and ?right?, or ?better? and ?lesser?, but when he handed Quatre and me over to used as guinea pigs for the ZERO System, I lost my respect for him. It seems such a trivial thing, but as I looked down on him while he handed me over to Une to use as a test-subject, the realisation made me feel more free than ever before, cuffs around my wrists, rifles pressed into my back and all.
The ZERO System showed me, in no uncertain terms, that the ones who messed with my life, took advantage of me and used me for their own purposes, were the cause of my problems. I?ve never in my life hated so strongly or been as angry as during my first time with ZERO. When Quatre and I came back to Earth, I was free. I no longer fought for J, but for myself. And yet, I was still caught. I?d been empty enough for Odin?s son, J?s pilot and Dekim?s soldier to have seeped into the gaps and settle there. Fighting was all I knew, and so, fighting was what I did.
Learning that Relena, who had once pledged to be on my side, who had set me on the track to freedom in the first place, had devoted herself to total pacifism, hurt. It had been a long time since I felt so betrayed. The greatest shock was probably to find how much I cared. Initially, my response to this was the same as towards J?s actions; fuck you, I?m outta here. (I hope you?re old enough to read this, but if not, I did not teach you those words.) I refused to accept the fact that Relena, once again, held the solution. I refused to follow another human being again, I wanted to find my own way. I still got roped up into coming to Sank, however, because Noin had stored my mobile suit there. And, though I was loath to admit it at first, because Relena and her kingdom were in danger from Romefeller invasion. Despite my anger, I owed her for saving my humanity.
During my stay in Sank I came to realise that she was still trying to help me. And I realised that, despite my wish to do things my own way, I couldn?t. All I knew was how to fight, and that was a dead end. The world was dangerously close to losing itself in all the fighting, just as I once broke down under the pressure of my programming. I couldn?t believe in Relena?s idealistic peace, but I believed in Relena, and her ideas of peace were necessary to bring the world back up from the pit of meaningless, pointless battles it had fallen into. Relena was trying to find a way to end all that, just as I wanted the fighting to stop.
I believe we could have found our middle ground if the kingdom hadn?t collapsed. She was already on her way to realising that she wouldn?t be able to achieve her goals if Sank didn?t even have a way to defend itself. Contrary to popular belief, I am not (neither of us are, for that matter) hard-headed beyond the point of reason; I was trying to protect her and help her achieve her goal by using Wing. That?s why, when she was made the figurehead of Romefeller, I let her live to lead the way out of the war. The thought of what would have happened had she not managed to turn the situation to her own advantage haunts me to this very day. But, just like all the other ?what ifs? in my life, it is of no use to dwell on it unnecessarily.
Things turned out... alright. We fought with the intent of achieving Relena?s peace, and once we?d succeeded, she took over to keep the world at peace. I had half a heart to stay with her even then, to aid her in settling the dust and rebuilt what had been destroyed in the war - and to protect her. But I knew that I would have only been a burden to her. I was a soldier, a terrorist, an assassin... and a lost little boy. I left to find myself, find my own way in life. With no more wars, and J dead, I finally had the opportunity to do that.
Or so I thought.
Dekim Barton resurfaced in an attempt to carry out Operation Meteor in its true form; by dropping a colony on Earth and send his forces to seize control while the government and military forces were in a state of chaos. We - the Gundam pilots, Zechs and Noin and the Preventors - prevented this , and finally, finally, I was free. Finally I wouldn?t have to kill anymore. The world had finally found its right course, and now, it was my turn.
I disappeared again. I lead a normal life, learned the ways of everyday, let the stress and adrenaline of battle flow from my system. But I soon realised that I should go back. I got over the stage of not wanting to be anybody?s anything; estranging myself from the other former Gundam pilots, or Sally, or Catherine, Hilde, Une or Dorothy, was something I couldn?t do without estranging from myself as well (which went against the entire purpose of my departure). Because they were all a part of me. The past shapes us, makes us. At age sixteen, Odin?s son, J?s pilot and Dekim?s soldier, but also the Heero Yuy Duo, Trowa, Quatre, Wufei, Relena and all the others knew and the nameless young man that had roamed the world in search of new perspectives, were all part of the true me. I couldn?t discard all of that and start over. It meant too much to me.
So I came back.
Not just the world had changed during the time Relena and I had been apart. She and I had changed too. Maybe it was because of those changes that we found each other so effortlessly that time. We?d had the same goal all along, but we?d followed different routes. Now, we met up on the same road, going in the same direction.
I haven?t left her side since.
I?m Relena?s Heero now, and I am completely content with who that is. The past still haunts my dreams and frayes the edges of my mind, and I doubt that will ever change. But I?ve chosen who I want to be, and that will never be taken away from me again.
Now, I am aware that all this must be confusing for you. You weren?t there, you have no idea what I?m talking about half of the time, correct? If anything is unclear, you can ask for an explanation from any of the people mentioned in this document.
Also, you might be wondering why I, who has repeatedly claimed to be expendable in the past and generally not worth the life I?m living up until this day, have spent the last few hours sitting at the kitchen table in my nightclothes, writing this life-history down, while I should actually be getting all the sleep I can while I still can. Well, that?s because my Relena is due to have our first child within two days, and the medical staff of our hospital has signified that I will not be welcome in the delivery room. (Something to do with scaring the nurses. Completely justified and appropriate, but that?s beside the point.) I?ve put this down because I want what I?ve been through to be of some use to future generations, should I not survive the charge I plan to carry out on the delivery room when you come.
One way or another, I will be there to help you find your way in life.
Signed,
Heero Yuy, your father
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PSAN: If you were to search my unconscious body, you?d find a little card saying: ?Please Read and Review! All comments are welcome.? in the left front pocket of my jeans.
Additional Notes
* ?my Freudian ego? ? According to the late Sigmund Freud, the human personality consists of three parts: the id, the primal, instinctual urges in our subconsciousness, like sex and aggression; the ego, the conscious part of the personality that takes over as we ?grow up?; and the superego, which develops because society affects people, creating feelings like guilt and shame, and the distinction between right and wrong.
That had me in stitches, especially when I got to the end of the fic and fully realized the ramifications of that statement. Hmm, I do wonder how Relena would react if her child suddenly yelled that phrase...would a certain former Gundam pilot be in trouble, disclaimer notwithstanding? XD
:worship::love::hug::allright::cheer:
You should do tons of these--quite a talent you got there---now, just post one every day, and all will be swell in my life! 
*selfish* I'm sorry! I love this! Want more forever! 
Wonderful story.
the way you mixed the introspective thing with the humorous hints is brillant!
The literary Messiah has come! 