Author's Notes: I have a lemon version of this story but I don't know if I want to post it... I have cold feet. Moral problems. While I'm debating, this story actually IS a story...so enjoy.
<center>Amour
Chapter 8
By Zapenstap</center>
The days that passed after that first memorable night blazed like brushfire in August.
During the day, Relena worked like an engine at her office. She did not stop for coffee and she ate lunch at her desk. She worked with the desire to complete as much of her important duties in the office as possible so that her evenings could be free of everything but lounging and lovemaking with Heero. When she was at home, she still managed to attend to her duties as usual. She conversed with her staff, managed her household, went through her mail and ate dinner, but sooner or later Heero would find her wherever she was in the house, and she was powerless to stop him from pulling her into a secluded space and impressing upon her the importance of the time they spent together alone. She took to spending the whole of her nights wrapped in his arms.
No one seemed to mind. In fact, Relena had the distinct impression that Candace Mae at least heartily approved of Relena?s houseguest, and whatever Candace Mae approved of became like a religion to all the staff in the household. Relena once choked on her tea when Candace Mae referred to Heero as ?a most functionary male.? She seemed to think that Heero was some sort of exotic decoration that was finally showing itself to be useful. Heero said nothing at all about the change in circumstances, but he seemed even more bewildered than Relena by Candace Mae?s frank approval.
One morning at work, Relena sat at her desk thinking about how nice Heero?s well-defined body was to touch?the thought registering as vaguely inappropriate while looking through papers about children starving in the L3 Colonies?when a call came through to her office.
?Mr. Calhoun to see you, Miss Relena.?
?Send him in,? she replied.
Alexander Calhoun was a respected diplomat on the counsel of the ESUN and naturally someone Relena knew professionally quite well. He was thirty-five, arrestingly tall with dark brown hair, green eyes, and a charming smile that sent women the world over into a tizzy whenever he walked into a room. If Relena allowed herself to have a ?type? Alexander would have fit it to a T. Fortunately, he didn?t make much of an impression on her romantically?she was far too wrapped up in Heero to give him or anyone much notice?but after she broke up with Gregory Balen there had been jokes among politicians about what beautiful children they would make together. The jokes were founded on nothing more than that they happened to both be residents of the same city, and unmarried (and presumably single) politicians. It was rare for diplomats to be unmarried, especially at Alexander?s age, so speculation about who they would or should marry was bound to occur. Relena ignored this kind of chatter with dignity. Alexander, as far as she had heard, would occasionally join in the joke about it, but nothing more.
?Good morning, Vice Foreign Minister Darlian,? Alexander remarked as she stood to shake his hand and offer him a chair.
He was a man of decency, and more polite than many of the other men with whom Relena worked more regularly. It occurred to her that it was odd that he was not married. If he was a play boy, he kept it well concealed?which was possible since that kind of thing generally looked unfavorable on a politician?s resume. However, on the occasions Relena had had a chance to observe him he came off as rather traditional and even thoughtful where women were concerned.
?Good to see you, Alexander,? Relena replied. ?How may I help you today??
?Busy as usual I see,? he laughed. ?Straight to the point. No time for small talk. I trust all is going well at home and with work??
?As well as ever,? she replied. ?And you??
?Naturally.?
There was a moment of silence as Relena waited for Alexander Calhoun to present the business he had come to see her about and Alexander himself hesitated. It was odd. He was usually relaxed and gregarious in conversation. His decisive demeanor, intelligence, eloquent speaking abilities and photogenic face had won him his current position at a relatively young age.
?I need to ask you a favor, Miss Darlian,? he began smoothly after the initial pause. ?It?s partly business, but it does have a personal element. I have received an invite?plus one?to a soir?e at the summer home of the honorable Judge Florence. I trust you know him??
?Certainly,? Relena replied. ?He?s at the center of some hot topics under debate.? They were social topics for the most part, about laws built from traditions regarding matters of the family, children, spouses, the elderly and the like. The bulk of Relena?s work was concerned with the negotiations between Earth and Space, mostly political and economical, but she monitored local affairs as a matter of principle. The judge in question was once a member of Romafeller; a highly conservative?and locally popular?individual.
?Yes, well let?s not beat around the bush since it is common knowledge that you detest that sort of thing. It is advantageous to my career to attend Florence?s party, but I?m afraid I do not have a companion suitable as a plus one. I confess, I have reason to want to make a good impression, and in going through a list of possible guests, I stumbled across your name. People have been telling me for years that I ought to ask you out. We have known each other mostly professionally, but if you are free next Saturday night, I would enjoy your company. I can?t think that it wouldn?t also benefit you to have a plus one for these sorts of occasions.?
It took Relena a moment to realize that she was staring. Was he asking her to simply accompany him to a party? or was this a date meant to progress beyond an evening? Either way, what should she do? She had just admitted to falling in love?with Heero. Even if she and Calhoun became friends, people would assume otherwise. She had to admit that it would be beneficial to have someone to take to functions. Gregory used to go, but she couldn?t take Heero, especially not now. No one was supposed to know that they were in any way involved. More importantly, if she refused Calhoun?s offer, would it appear that she was involved with someone else? There was no good reason to refuse. If Calhoun talked to anyone about this offer, refusing would cause more speculation than accepting. People would wonder what was wrong with Relena. They might investigate her personal behavior. What if Heero?s connection to her was rooted out?
A knock at the door saved Relena from having to respond immediately and a moment later one of the office secretaries popped her head through the door. ?A message has just arrived for you from Preventor Headquarters, Miss Relena.?
Alexander Calhoun smiled at her. ?This seems a matter of some importance,? he said, and rose from his chair.
?Thank you, Alexander,? Relena replied, rising to shake his hand. ?I don?t know if my schedule is open next Saturday, but your proposition sounds like a plausible idea. Do you mind if I get back to you tomorrow??
?Not at all. I?ll anticipate your response.?
As soon as Alexander Calhoun left, Relena forgot all about him. Instead she beckoned her secretary to bring in the message and was left alone to read it. Messages from Preventor Headquarters were a common occurrence. Relena was routinely kept informed of developing situations that might need her diplomatic hand, but she suspected that this message was not about diplomacy.
She stared at the envelope for a moment in silence before swiftly breaking the seal. Her heart fluttered with anxiety as she read, and all her trivial concerns were forgotten. The words were brief, scrawled by hand on yellow parchment paper. The message was addressed to nobody. It gave very little information, but Relena understood the portent of it. It was not directed at her.
*****
?Who are they?? Relena asked. ?Why are they hunting you??
Heero had few possessions to pack. He elected to take some of the equipment Relena had ordered for his use with him, but most of it he was leaving behind, wiped clean of all information and dismantled as if it had never been used. In terms of clothing, he needed only what he was wearing, plus the medical supplies he needed to change his bandages once he was gone.
?It?s better if you don?t know much,? Heero told her from where he stood by the window, twitching back the curtain to survey the street. ?It?s enough to know that it?s safer for us both if I leave. The Preventors have set up a protection program for keeping those of us in danger out of the enemy?s hands. You should be content knowing that I will be safe.?
?For how long?? she whispered. ?How long must you go into hiding??
?Until the situation changes,? Heero told her, and then added softly, ?It might take awhile.?
When she said nothing, Heero left the window and came toward her. He moved like a panther, aggressive even when there was no danger in his approach. He took her hand in his and pulled her close to his chest, kissing her hair.
?Don?t worry about me,? he told her. ?Live your life well so I don?t have to worry about you.?
?That?s not fair,? she protested into his shirt. ?You sound as if we shall never see each other again. I want to worry about you. I want you to worry about me. Who else is going to make sure I don?t work too hard? Who is going to make sure I think things through, even to the hard conclusions? Who will hold me while I sleep??
Heero?s responded to this entreaty stoically, as expected. ?It?s not worth speculating about,? he told her, ?and I?m in no position to make promises to you. You?ve always known this.? He let her go and took a step back. Turning to the bed, he surveyed the small suitcase in which he had organized all of his things.
His cold decisiveness made her angry, not angry enough to react, but it disappointed and confused her. She understood the situation and Heero?s feelings about it. She knew he had no plans for a family or a future with her regardless of how gratifying it might turn out to be for both of them. He had no plans for a future of any kind. He no longer sought his own death, but he was as dedicated to his job as she was to hers. She understood, perhaps better than anyone could, but she wanted more all the same.
?I want you to make me promises,? she said emphatically. ?I don?t care if you can?t live up to them. It?s your intentions that matter to me. I want you to make some indication that you understand that what we have is good, that it would be a tragedy to lose it!?
She watched his eyes as she spoke. He kept his face averted, his eyes focused on the suitcase, but the concentration he gave to the task of packing made her feel that his thoughts were more engaged elsewhere.
?Heero,? she continued. ?To find someone who understands me as you do? I understand that you never considered the reverse for yourself, that it was never a struggle for you to find someone who understood you because it was not something you expected or looked for, but the chemistry we have together?you should at least know that it is rare. I love you.?
Heero snapped his suitcase shut and set it on the floor at the foot of the bed. He turned to look at her, his eyes suddenly soft and warmed by a light that came from somewhere inside. ?You need me to convince you that I don?t want to say goodbye??
Relena?s heart leapt in her throat. ?I don?t want to wonder if I?m expendable to you, if I?m unnecessary, or even a hindrance. I want to know that deep in your heart you want me, and that it is the situation and not your preference that is keeping us apart.? His eyes became suddenly so intense that she had to look away.
As she averted her eyes, Heero seized her wrist. Instead of pulling her into him, he pushed her back, following up behind her until she was trapped in a sliver of space between his body and the wall. His chest and shoulders filled the space before her eyes and she registered only the movement of his muscles as he pushed the back of her hand against the wall and bent his head to her neck. Her chin tilted back of its own accord, her breathing quickening in response to Heero?s lips on her skin.
She didn?t try to resist. Head swimming, skin flaming, knees buckling, she half sagged against the wall until only Heero?s hand on her wrist kept her from sinking to the floor.
She could barely bring herself to look him in the face, and when she did she knew she must look lustful, and from the way Heero suddenly forced his knee between her thighs, she knew that Heero liked the expression. He had her pinned to the wall, her wrist limp under his fingers and her body straddling his thigh. She was dependent upon him for support now, and all she wanted was to be closer to him.
?I care about you more than any soul I?ve ever known,? he whispered. He looked her in the eyes as he said it, and she began to breathe deeply. ?It is partly a preference that I don?t make you any promises. I don?t know if I can keep them, and that does matter, at least to me, but I can tell you that what we have now is precious.? They looked at one another in silence, Heero having said all he could say and Relena feeling unable to speak.
With her left hand trapped against the wall, Relena used her right to undo the buttons of her cardigan.
*****
After, Relena felt more alert than ever. Every extremity of her body tingled, and when Heero cast her a wry glance over his shoulder from where he stood by the window, with just the barest hint of a smile suggested in the curve of his lips, she felt her heart palpitate.
Heero climbed back into bed with her, kissing her shoulder and touching the matted mess of hair that framed her face. ?I wish I wasn?t leaving,? he whispered. She thought from the softness in his eyes that he was feeling? sentimental. He slid his body around hers and pulled the covers up over them both, caressing her skin under the sheets. Relena stayed still, her head on the pillow, staring at Heero?s chest as he lay beside her.
?Will you come back?? she asked. ?I know you can?t know when, but when it is all over, will you come back??
?I hope to,? he said. ?If I survive and doing so is not too dangerous. If it?s too long, you don?t have to be faithful to me.?
She sat up a little, looking into his face to see if he was serious. His expression was flat. ?Don?t be stupid,? she said. ?I don?t want to be with anyone else. Why? Do you think you will??? She tried and failed to smother a surge of jealousy at just the thought of Heero sharing his body with another woman.
?I don?t know what will happen. If a few months turn into a few years, I don?t want you to feel bereft of anything you might need or want. I?ve told you from the beginning that I can?t commit to you. If you saw someone else ??
?Stop it. Don?t belittle my feelings for you. This situation can?t keep you forever. I will wait, as long as it takes.?
Consternation entered his eyes, an expression with which she was all too familiar. ?Relena?? She knew by his tone that he was going to try to talk sense into her.
?A man at work asked me out today,? she told him. Heero?s sudden stony silence upon this revelation told her nothing. ?Alexander Calhoun,? she said. ?I?ve known him for years. He?s a diplomat for ESUN. I didn?t give him an answer, but??
?You should accept,? Heero said.
That hurt. She lowered her eyes.
?It might arouse curiosity if you refuse,? Heero continued. ?And create an alibi for us if you accept. No one would suspect you of dating two men. If any suspicion has fallen your way, it will be deterred by your seeing someone. At this time, it might be a good idea.?
It was a coldly delivered rationality, so cold that it made her wonder.
?Do you love me?? she asked. ?I know I said I wouldn?t ask, but I need to know.?
He looked at her without speaking for a minute, his eyes like glass mirrors that shimmered faintly in the dim light of the room. When he spoke, it was in an almost inaudible whisper, ?As much as I can right now.?
She didn?t know what to say. She wasn?t sure she knew what that meant. ?I will go on the date,? she said, and then added swiftly before Heero could interrupt, ?to protect us, but that?s all.? She met his eyes with a steely gaze of her own. ?I will wait for you,? she repeated. The finality of her tone ended the conversation.
Heero didn?t accept her vow, but he didn?t object to it either. Feeling cooler, she leaned her head against his shoulder and relaxed as he wrapped an arm around her upper body. They remained like that for several minutes, and Relena felt she may have even dozed off for a few. Then, much to her surprise, she felt a change in the way Heero?s hands were stoking the skin on her arm and blinked her mind awake.
?What are you doing tomorrow?? he asked her in a quiet voice as soon as her eyes opened.
?I have a few important meetings in the afternoon. Why??
?I want to take a little longer to say goodbye,? he whispered, and turned her face toward his to kiss.
*****
Heero left sometime during the night, slipping out when Relena was not aware and eluding her security in such a way that she didn?t even know which direction he had gone.
Relena went on the date as she told Heero she would. She called Alexander back the afternoon of Heero?s departure and accepted the invitation. She wore a pretty dress for the occasion. Over all, she had a good time and was not surprised when a second date was offered after the first. She went on this one too, and enjoyed dinner and a night at the opera house. As suspected, the local magazines reported on it, and tabloids published wildly speculative articles concerning the future of the two diplomats. After two dates, Relena felt she had seen enough of Calhoun to refuse a third if he should ask?without creating a stir. However, she knew Calhoun was a sharp bargainer. If he enjoyed their time together as much as he claimed, he might be difficult to shake.
It didn?t help that she was moody. Since Heero?s absence, she went through phases of depression. She also felt more stress than usual, enough that she started getting headaches and backaches, and in the evenings especially she missed Heero?s strong hands. She was also exhausted, sometimes without reason. Even when she made sure to sleep enough, she felt fatigued at work and often uninterested in her job.
One afternoon, she found herself sitting in front of the window just watching the rain fall. For no explainable reason, tears began to roll down her cheeks. She didn?t feel sad. She wasn?t angry or frightened. Perhaps she was lonely, but she still felt inclined to berate herself for such a display of weakness. As she scrubbed the betraying tears from her face, the door opened to admit her house manager.
?My goodness, whatever is the matter?? Candace Mae asked, shutting the door to Relena?s bedroom.
?I don?t know,? she said, coughing to disguise the hitch in her voice. ?I feel ridiculous, but I miss Heero.?
?Well, crying about it is a waste of water. It doesn?t seem he is likely to come back any time soon to wipe your tears. If I were you, I would attend to your duties. It?s not like you to be this despondent. If I didn?t know better?? She paused, looking up at Relena from where she had been inspecting the tablecloth on the dining room table. ?Forgive me for asking, but are you premenstrual??
Relena blinked. ?No,? she said. ?That would have been?? She paused in mid-sentence. Her use of the future perfect tense was too grammatically correct for her peace of mind. She ought to have been menstruating already, if not last week. Her pulse quickening as she counted the days. ?Oh, my god.?
Candace Mae?s lips tightened. ?Well,? she said casually, but with a firmness that forbade argument. ?If that is the case, you had better get tested.?
?I can?t be pregnant,? Relena protested.
?Don?t be stupid. Of course you can. Get tested.?
?No, I was protected. I was careful.?
?There is always a margin for error. Get tested, girl. If you are stressed, you need to rule this out so your mind will be easier. If you are pregnant, you need to make some decisions very quickly. Get tested.?
Seeing that this was good sense, Relena complied. The procedure for the test was simple, but the waiting was terrifying. She had given the results to her House Manager to read when the right amount of time had passed. She paced the white carpet in her sitting room while Candace Mae poured tea. It didn?t help that Candace Mae seemed so calm and complacent about the whole thing.
?Well?? she asked when she was sure it had been enough time.
?Have some tea,? Candace Mae suggested. Relena wanted to shout, but rather than fight her House Manager, she sat down, regally lifting her tea cup and taking a sip before placing the cup back on the saucer and looking her oldest servant pointedly in the face.
?According to the test, you?re going to have a baby,? Candace Mae told her. ?You should probably get a doctor to confirm it, preferably someone you can trust.?
Relena stared at nothing. She felt no emotion, neither joy nor fear. ?I can?t believe this,? she said.
Candace Mae regarded her silently for a moment, her face a stern mask. ?I know you are against it, but in a situation like this, it might be wise to consider aborting the pregnancy.?
Relena blinked, staring at her House Manager in shock. ?I couldn?t possibly do that.? It was Heero?s baby. Abort it? Impossible.
?He might advise you to as well. I don?t know the situation fully, but it seems your man is not able to claim this child as his own. I detect that the secrecy of your relationship with him is a necessity founded on more than the importance of your career image.?
?I can?t abort,? Relena said. ?I won?t.?
?Then you must find another way to protect this child. If you have a baby, there will be questions about the paternity of the child unless it is made clear to the whole world who the father is.?
?What are you suggesting?? Relena asked, alarmed by the grim finality in Candace Mae?s tone.
?You must find a man to be its father. Obviously it must be a different man than your Heero, someone who will not arouse suspicion.?
?You want me to find someone to pretend to be the baby?s father?? she demanded. She couldn?t suppress incredulity from entering her tone. ?Where would I find someone like that??
?It would be unlikely to find someone you could trust to play that role,? Candace Mae agreed. ?But that is not what I meant. More simply, you need to find another man to sleep with, as quickly as decency allows.?
?You can?t be serious??
??and then lie to that man that he is the father,? Candace Mae continued as if she had not objected. ?Pregnancy can happen on one try. It will be alarming, but it is a plausible scenario.?
?I can?t do that,? she said. ?It would terribly deceitful.?
?It can be cleared up when it is safe to do so. Consider the alternative.?
Relena considered, and saw the problem. If the Vice Foreign Minister had a baby out of a relationship, or even out of wedlock, it would be the biggest story to hit the news in years. Everyone would want to know who the father was. It would be ten thousand times worse than refusing a date with Calhoun would have been. She and Heero had been careful but not that careful. There had to have been witnesses. People who might otherwise not care would be tempted to share whatever they had seen. Relena wasn?t even certain her own staff would be discrete if the reward for betraying her trust was high enough.
?What do I do?? she asked. She realized she was shaking, from stress or fear or anxiety she wasn?t sure, but she could barely keep her arms and legs from shaking. She was going to have a baby?
?Calm yourself. Your position is manageable. You are young and healthy and you love the father of your child. Have some hope that you will be united at some point in the future, but for now, consider the present. You need someone to play the role of the father, preferably someone you like well enough, but also someone you can lie to and are not likely to fall in love with. Fortunately, you are not in need of any financial assistance. You have everything you need. You must merely maintain the ruse of a relationship for a short while in order to secure the paternity of the child in the World?s view.?
?What if Heero hears of it?? she said. ?You know he will. Everyone will. Will he know what has happened, or will he think I have betrayed my promise to him??
?It doesn?t matter,? Candace Mae said. ?You have no way to contact each other so you will not be affected by his reaction. You must concern yourself with the baby. Now, who will be the father??
?Alexander Calhoun,? Relena said softly, hating herself for even being able to voice the idea, and yet it couldn?t be more perfect. Alexander had shown signs of wanting to progress to a physical level. It wouldn?t be difficult to arrange, but the arrangement was a grotesque notion. Alexander was attractive enough, but he was not someone she loved, or even liked greatly, and using him this way was nothing but evil. And yet, it was her baby at stake, a helpless infant whose life could be potentially threatened if anyone discovered its father was a gundam pilot?a man wanted by terrorists who could use his connection to her as collateral. She had to be strong.
?Good,? Candace Mae said. ?How quickly do you think you could get him to believe he has conceived the child? It has already been a couple of weeks. You don?t want to be off by another day if you can help it.?
TBC
*cold feet*
Holy cow, what a turn of events. It's definitely not an easy decision to make.
