The act of murder

[11krage]

The act of murder, one human being killing another. The unforgivable sin that gets you a one way pass to hell.

What would possess a human to do such violence, the innocent ask. Glancing in horror at the blood on the screen from another news story, while their parents try to hide them from it.

I've seen violence. Watched one man hit and kick another, until the downed man stopped moving. I saw it on tv.

But at that young age, i didn't understand of course. Even my moral rules handed to me by my mother that it was 'wrong to hurt people' weren't questioned by a television screen. It was simply a blurred image that had yet to form any meaning in my young mind.

Admittedly the bruises on my small frame added some puzzlement to my precious moral. But my ever adaptable mind grew around it.

It sounds odd now to think about it, but back then i concluded that because of my age i didn't qualify as a person. That he had every right to hit me because he was an adult, and i was only a child.

And adults are always right. Aren't they?

So i had my set of rules to catergorise and explain everything in life, and everything was fine because with my rules everything could be made sense of.

To hurt people was a bad thing. You must always do what you are told or you get hit. You must never act hurt or let mom see the bruises, otherwise it will make her sad. You must never cry.

And above all, you must never fail.

Now that i'm older, the act of violence doesn't shock me, once you see something a few hundred times its significance weakens.

In the world of an eye for an eye i would be killed a million times over.

The gun didn't faze me, a unloaded gun had been the only thing that i was allowed to have as a toy. I saw it as little else than something to hammer unfortunate objects with or to teeth on.

Murder, the unforgivable sin that earns you a one way pass to hell.

I'd seen it on the tv.

I remember those few moments in small flashs of memory. They used to keep me awake at night, until i learned that there were much worse things to be afraid of.

I remember wondering why the man was crying. Then the gun was in my hands, and the person who had given me the bruises knelt behind me.

Almost hugging me as he placed my fingers on the trigger, tightening his grip over mine. Before the sound and the shock sent me sailing into his chest.

Then there was the blood, blood that wasn't mine splattered all over me. And more blood still, seeping from the collaped man like he'd sprung a leak somehow.

I'd seen it on the tv.

I dropped the gun, startled that my trustworthy toy could hurt someone like that.

Then i did something that i regret to this day. I looked at the man who had made me pull the trigger. Asking as the child i was if i'd done something bad.

My mother's words were ringing in my ears, 'its wrong to hurt people'. My precious rules that allowed the world to make sense.

He smiled at me, something so rare, then ruffled my hair. Saying that i was a good boy, that i'd done good.

I wish i could say that that was the moment that stole my innocence away, but there was no clear event. Over the years, each day would slowly peel away more and more. Destroying each and every rule and moral that i created to try and explain life, and to tell me what i needed to do.

Sometimes i think that i never had innocence to begin with, and at others, i wonder if maybe there is still a reminant of that innocence still inside me. A small piece that somehow survived through all the horror and fighting in the war.

To me, this world will never make sense, but there is one thing i do know.

On the day i shot a man begging for his life, i became a murderer. An outcast from any and all humanity. I'm sure, from remembering the man's pleadings that there is a family out there who'd love nothing better than to watch me die. To get their revenge for their loss.

I killed a human being, according to some in that moment i ensured my place in hell to rot for all enturnity for my sin.

I was two years old.

[twistedrealityoflove]

wow sounds like you've been through alot

[samta22]

Too crude... amazingly dark!

[twistedrealityoflove]

nah it's not that bad for me considering I've been through alot of shit these days.