[FIC] Ask Anko (part 1)

[dd]

It was spring.

Maybe that explained it. Then again, maybe not.

An observer would wonder why the shinobi were lining up outside the small house with its well-manicured lawn and plethora of small pets.

Seeing that a vast majority of the ninjas were kunoichi, and many were chuunin or younger, he or she might surmise that it had something to do with affairs of the heart. That guess would be spot on target.

Madame Pythia, a kindly and immaculate lady of indeterminate age, ran her small shop like a queen of yore. Servants and patrons alike catered to her every whim, and waited on her every word. A spectator would wonder why. The answer was simple. After a number of ?predictions? became true, she had swiftly been named a seeress or miracle worker by the superstitious and hopeful masses of Hidden Leaf Village.

Some said she was clairvoyant. Others wondered if she were truly human. As her fame spread to distant towns and enclaves, the legend grew more and more fanciful, if not outright ridiculous. But, for the eager townspeople waiting to spend their money, this was a fun and frivolous escape from the drudgery and danger of their everyday life.

A student of ancient history, specializing in faraway lands, the opportunistic granddame was well aware of the stories concerning the Oracle of Delphi, the most important shrine in all ancient Greece. While her prophesizing would not determine the time when a farmer would plant his seeds, or give clues to when an empire should declare war, the small shop seemed to be the center of the world to a large number impressionable young men and women, civilians and ninjas alike.

In keeping with the theme, there was a ?sacred spring,? which in reality was nothing more than a small pond. Large cracks in the floor belched forth ?mysterious vapors,? thanks to coals and pots of bubbling chemicals hidden beneath rusty dust-covered screens. As a savvy and suspicious person might expect, there was a legend associated with it all. At that site? long before the village was even built? a hero had supposedly slain a great snake, which fell into a deep and foreboding chasm. Vapors rose up from its decomposing body, even to the present day. Naturally, the names Apollo and Python were not mentioned. Things had to fit local legends.

The well-respected woman, who had been a runaway serf from a distant nation, staggered into Konoha as a half-starved child many years before. She sheltered in libraries, learning what she could as she grew. Hanging around with fortune-tellers in the seedier parts of town eventually left her with an enviable assortment of tricks and deceptions. As the years passed, and fate dropped her headfirst into her current position, she had amassed a rather amazing sum of money. Finally, it was time to sit back and enjoy the good life.

For the better part of the morning, the patrons continued to shuffle into the shop through one door? spend their time and money with Madame Pythia? and exit out the back, where they would congregate and gossip with their friends. As people made their way over the well-tread wooden floorboards, they were treated to a view of the various items that the mysterious woman kept on hand.

There was a small parlor for palmistry , cheirognomy, chiromancy, and reading the aspects of the nails, known as onychomancy. Shelves held books and scrolls on the subject of hand analysis and dermatoglyphics. The same room was used for Potomac, reading of the feet?and siang mien, a Chinese art of face reading. A larger more ornate room was set up for astrology, as evidenced by the mysterious markings on the hand-woven rug and hanging tapestries. That chamber doubled as the site for Kumulak, Tarot, Baraja Espa?ola, and Mlle Lenormand card reading. A half-open door led to a small room used by the more adventuresome clients, or those who just had to sample everything.

There was gastromancy. As a self-proclaimed gastromantic expert, Madame Pythia could interepret markings on someone?s abdomen, or make sense of rumblings in their stomach. She also offered geta-uranai. For farmers, she would predict the weather, by kicking a geta? wooden sandal?into the air. The way it fell provided the answer. Mammomancy was more popular than one might think. Evaluation of the shape and size of a woman?s breasts told the seeress about the romantic and sexual personality of the examinee. Omphalomancy? called by some, Omphilomancy? was another strange art. Their were secrets to be learned from interpretation of the belly button, its size and its shape. For a small fee, she would also check the number of knots in the umbilical cord of a newborn baby, discovering how many more brothers or sisters were yet to come.

Phallomancy was just what it sounded like. Phyllorhodomancy might be one of the strangest means of divination offered. The patron would take a bunch of roses and slap them repeatedly against their hands. The loudness of the sound the roses made revealed the answer to any possible question. What a nice excuse to buy yourself a couple of bunches of roses. Then again, how many arts were odder than Tyromancy? The customer would write possible answers on pieces of paper, and attach them to pieces of cheese. The cheese was then put in a rat?s cage, and the first piece eaten was the one that gave the answer. Uromancy was a favorite of those who had too much to drink, or were cursed with overly small bladders. Madame Pythia would inspect the appearance of urine and predict the client?s future.

At one point, a large ornate clock began to sound. The well-groomed servants ran about, opening all of the doors to the shop, and ushering everyone outside. Colored smoke began wafting out of the vents. Girls dressed in fanciful clothing ran about tossing rose petals. Trumpets sounded. Cages of doves were released, and the captive birds winged their way skyward in a cloud of feathers.

?Everyone gather around?? Madame Pythia?s voice was amplified, so that everyone in the large crowd could hear her. ?The time has finally come? my connection to the Mystic draws to an end?? As she paused, the sound of gasps and hushed conversations grew louder and louder. ?It has been an honor and a privilege to share my divine gifts with you all? but, from this point on, my readings would no longer be valid?? That statement did not draw derogatory remarks, or shouts of derision. A number of girls swooned. A few called out, begging the woman to change her mind. ?Please? do not be alarmed? I am prepared to name my successor?? Waving her voluminous sleeves about, she released the caged butterflies she had kept inside them. A few fireworks were lit, sending small rockets and fountains of sparks skyward.

Madame Pythia began to shake, as if she were having convulsions. Her eyes rolled back in her head, and she thrust her fingers in one direction, and then another. As the shocked and excited crowd watched, she spun slowly in circles, babbling strange words in various languages. Then, she stopped. Her arm stretched out, rigid and straight. Her index finger pointed.

Everyone turned to look. The crowd parted, so that everyone could see what Madame Pythia saw. Some of them nearly tumbled into the spring, as the eager crowd moved as one.

?There? she is the one? it has been shown to me in my dreams?? The sooth-sayer bowed. ?My blessings upon her? the next keeper of the truth.? This was the perfect way to get all of the attention off of her, and onto someone else. Anyone else. What her unknowing ?target? would do with such a designation didn?t concern her.

?Who is it?? ?Who?s the new seer?? ?I have to know? can someone tell me? anyone?.? Voice after voice cried out. The crowd began to surge forward, surround a small knot of people who had been walking down the shaded boulevard, civilian and shinobi alike. ?Can someone see who it is??

?I can.? An elderly man struggled forward, his weight bending the thin old stick he leaned on. ?That girl there? the one with the black hair??

?It?s Anko,? one genin called out. ?Mitarashi Anko.?

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There were only two people in the Hokage?s office.

One of them, middle-aged but seeming much younger than her appearance, formed a steeple out of her hands, carelessly knocking a few reports off of her desk. She was too tired to notice.

Grimacing, and tossing a kunai in one hand, the other woman was just as old as she looked. She was also just as angry, and just as annoyed. The erstwhile apprentice to Orochimaru rubbed the place where her curse seal once was. All of the commotion had driven herto distraction, almost to the point where she was willing to turn the Dual Snake Destroyer on herself.

?This is ridiculous!? Anko stomped her foot. ?I didn?t ask for any of this!? She shivered in her rage. ?I can?t go anywhere? do anything? there?s no peace?? The breath hissed out between her teeth, making her sound like a snake. Hearing that, she scowled even more. ?Those idiots won?t leave me alone.?

?I know.? Tsunade watched Anko behind heavy lids. She yawned because she was exhausted, not because she was bored or unconcerned. ?But, like I told you, the people have too much of themselves wrapped up in this foolishness.? She yawned again, and then rubbed her eyes. ?If they were to find out that Madame Pythia was a fraud, who knows what some of them might do.? She hung her head. In the past, she had held off from exposing the woman, because she was doing as much good as bad, even though that had not been her intention. During these difficult times, any ember of hope had to be kept burning.

?It?s not my responsibility!? Anko was rebellious in spirit, but loyal in practice. She was doing her best to distance herself from Orochimaru in every manner possible. Just the same, her wild streak rose its angry head now and again. ?If I?m supposed to be the seer, maybe I should just point my finger at someone else. I?d love to see Gai in a priestess? dress!? She grinned a savage grin. ?No? Asuma? with a wreath of flowers in his hair??

?Hmmmm-mmm-mm-m?? Tsunade massaged her temples. She managed a small grin, having a mischievous streak of her own. ?As seeress, you could get people to do that, you know.? Immediately, she bit her lip. She didn?t want to create a monster. That might cause even more trouble. ?Like I said, this is only temporary. If you listen to what they ask, and give them highly improbable answers, they will give up their trust in fortune telling. They will do it slowly? gradually? and peacefully??

?But?? Anko clenched her fists, feeling a need to shout. Then, she paused. One eyebrow lifted up, followed by the other. ?Well?? Her eyes narrowed, and a small smile appeared. ?I can do what I like? without getting in trouble for it? right??

?Yes,? Tsunade said. Her face went stiff, and her jaw set. ?Within reason.? She yawned again. ?Otherwise I predict that you will fall on hard times.? The air suddenly fell as if the temperature fell by two dozen degrees. ?Very hard.?

?It is the duty of a shinobi of the Leaf to do as he or she is commanded,? Anko said, sounding perfectly serious. The look in her eyes gave her away. ?If this is how I am required to serve my village, I will do my best.? Her ?Inner Anko? was rubbing its hands together, a look of glee on its face. She hated the way that some saps seemed to actually believe all that mumbo jumbo. She was no less disgusted by those others who doubted its authenticity, but allowed themselves to get caught up in the pomp and circumstance just the same. They all deserved anything and everything they might get.

?Maybe this isn?t such a good idea after all,? the Hokage muttered under her breath. ?OK. Do what you feel you must. But, show as much discretion as you can.? She took a drink from a cup of tea that had long since gone cold. ?Oh? by the way? there will be an undercover mission coming up soon? one requiring a kunoichi to pose as a geisha??

Anko?s smile vanished. Was that a threat? Would Tsunade assign her, if she took things too far? ?I understand, Ma?am.? She gave the Hokage a jaunty salute. ?Once I get a feel for all of the tricks of the trade, I will predict the name of the kunoichi you should send.? She smiled a lop-sided smile. ?No charge.?

?Go on,? Tsunade said, sighing. Dealing with Anko was a lot like dealing with Naruto. That was difficult enough when she was wide awake, at full strength, and in control of all of her faculties. ?Don?t make me regret this.?

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The gong sounded.

The resounding crash was followed by long echoes and reverberations. The servants all wore ear plugs. Anko did not.

?I told you to stop doing that!? The irritable jounin held her hands over her ears, fighting the urge to draw a weapon. It was taking more time than she expected to break the last vestiges of Madame Pythia?s hirelings of their long-standing habits.

?Customers expect that, Lady Anko.? The eldest of the remaining servants said. The others nodded their heads.?

?If I hear that damn gong again, someone can expect this!? She gave in, pulling out a short sword. ?I?m not joking.? She sighed. This had not been fun so far. Especially since all of the money the patrons paid was ear-marked for charity funds. Tsunade had been adamant about that.

?We have another gift, Lady Anko.? A much younger servant walked in carrying a silver tray. On it sat a box of dango. The Japanese dumplings, made from mochiko rice flour, were sticky and filling. They had been Anko?s favorite food, prior to her assuming the mantle of a mystic.

?Let me guess,? Anko said, making a face. ?More dango.? Once the visitors found out that she like dango, they brought it by the bucketful. Skewer after skewer were filled with sweet bean paste dango; mitarashi syrup dango; kinako toasted soy flour dango; goma sesame seed dango; or nori dried seaweed dango. ?Wow. Lucky me.? She almost found herself wishing for some spicy food? and she hated spicy food.

?Yes, Ma?am.? The servant placed the box on top of an impromptu pyramid built from other boxes. ?Do you wish to inform the newspapers who gave what?? The idea had been to work on people?s pride, and see if they might try to contribute larger donations than the patrons who came before them. That had worked well unto the word on dango had gotten out.

?No.? Anko shook her head, the ringing in her ears slowly disappearing. ?Definitely not. That will only cause more trouble.? She was tempted to write ?Bad dango nearly kills Lady Anko.? Maybe that would stop the doughy influx. ?Especially if the printer makes a second big mistake.? There was another word that sounded like ?dango,? but was written as a different character. That word meant bid-rigging or price-fixing, and had nearly ruined one business man?s reputation when a small publication wrote ?Business man offers dango to fortune teller?

It seemed that every little part of her life was fodder for the tabloids. No problem. She would predict bad things would happen to anyone who bought those things.

?Should I show in the next aspirant?? An elderly servant stood by the thick velvet curtain that separated that room from the main hallway.

?Do we have any choice,? Anko groused, ramming the tip of the sword into the overstuffed arm of her ornate chair. She had already carved her initials in the wood more than a dozen times. She frowned, watching one of her helpers go through the same old routine: scented salts and well-mixed chemicals were thrown on simmering coals or poured into ceramic pots and jars. The lights were turned down low, making the numerous candles the major source of illumination in the room.

The curtain parted. A young girl ran in, dropping rose petals at the feet of the next visitor. Following behind her, the customer entered the darkened room with a jaunty step. It was Maito Gai.

?Gai!? Anko stood up abruptly, and then resumed a stately calm appearance. She wouldn?t have expected someone as vocal and opinionated as Gai to show up looking for her services. She cleared her throat. ?How can Lady Anko help you today??

?I? well?? Gai seemed at a loss for words, a reportable rarity. ?It?s?? He threw out his chest and posed. A small spot of candlelight gleamed on one polished tooth. ?This is embarrassing. I should be able to do this on my own. But, fortune has gone against me time after time.?

?Is it? you know?? Anko fought a smile. In her eyes, Gai was way too straight-edged, and much too full of himself. Especially where women were concerned. Maybe she could bring him down a peg or two. ?Trouble getting a date?? She did grin, seeing him flinch and shake his head. ?Can?t keep it up as long as you like.? That left the sturdy man looking weak in the knees.

?No!? Gai looked around to make certain no one was eavesdropping. ?Nothing of the sort.?

?Ahhh-hh-h?? Anko yawned. ?I?d heard rumors of that sort.? That was a blatant lie. But, so what? ?What then?? She scowled, hearing one of the servants make an ?ahem? type of noise. ?In what way can the wise and munificent Lady Anko aid you??

?It?s Kakashi?? Gai blurted out. ?My long time rival??

?Oh. Now I see.? Anko suppressed a laugh. ?All that manly talk was just a smokescreen, in good shinobi fashion.? She sat up straighter, adjusting the jeweled veil and headband she was wearing. ?You want to know how to win the Copy Ninja?s heart.? One of the servants snorted. The others chastised her quietly.

?WHAT?? Gai?s shout was loud in everyone?s ears. The force emanating from his body caused the flames on the candles to flicker. A few actually went out. ?Of course not! You shouldn?t say such things. Especially not you.? If Lady Anko started a rumor like that, it would be hard to live it down. ?I have not done well in our recent contests. Usually, I carry a lead of one or two wins. Now, I find myself one win behind my opponent.?

?I see. That is a grave and serious matter.? Anko sighed. She couldn?t help herself. She wasn?t the only kunoichi who viewed those contests with a jaded eye. Enough is enough! They weren?t children anymore. ?You have come here to see me? and pay the necessary fee? so that you can start winning again??

?Right,? Gai replied. ?Victory! Action! A dynamic conquest leaving no room for doubt. A staff of valor, to stir the burning coals in my heart!? He folded his arms over his chest and nodded his head.

?I accept your question,? Anko said with a flourish of her hand. ?Let us consult the methods.? She thought rapidly. What of the many possible tricks could she use? Moreover, what kind of mischief could she pull off here? Looking at Gai, she raised one eyebrow. That hideous green stretchy suit! That was more annoying than her fellow jounin?s pontificating. She had to find some way to change that, if only for a short while.

?Madame Pythia usually chose the Rune casts for me,? Gai put in. ?That, or Gong Hee Fot Choy. ?

?We can?t use Phallomancy,? Anko said, ignoring Gai?s reference to her predecessor.. ?There are size requirements.? That left guy sputtering. ?I will consult the crystals.? She shook a bag full of quartz, calcite, and selenium crystals, and then dumped them on a sequined pillow. She pretended to make something out of the way they lay. ?Mmmm-mmm-mm-m? it will be the Tarot Cards.?

Anko offered Gai some dango as they waited for the servants to bring out a fancy table, hoping she could convince him to take a few dozen boxes with him when he left. She then sent her assistants to retrieve the cards that Madame Pythia had used on so many occasions. When she finally held them in her hands, and invited Gai to take a seat, she sneaked a look at a series of crib notes left behind by the former seeress. ?OK. You may cut and shuffle the deck. That will tell us something by itself.

Gai did as he was told. He had never done Tarot with Madame Pythia, so this was all new to him. He said as much to Anko.

?Ahhh? hmmm? ohhh?? Anko slapped her hand down hard on the table, after laying out a preliminary group of cards and flipping them over. ?That?s surprising. Well, there?s nothing I can do about it. You will need to be my messenger. As much as I might regret it, there can be no more dango.? After that, she spread out the cards and had him select three, telling him it was time for his reading.

?What does it show?? Gai looked like a child waiting to open his holiday presents, after he had followed her instructions.

?First, this one.? Anko flipped over the nearest card. ?The Fool. Yes. It is an indictment of your bragging behavior.? In actuality, the Fool was supposed to indicate new developments, fresh starts, and taking a risk. She turned the next card. ?Knight of wands. Travel and action.? That was accurate. ?Eight of cups Leaving something behind.? That too was correct. Running those points through her mind, she grinned. She had the answer. Perfect!

?So?? Gai leaned forward in his chair, reaching out to touch the cards.

?Don?t do that!? Anko smacked him with the hilt of her sword. ?You will confound the energies.? It sounded official. She almost burst out laughing, seeing the look on his face. ?OK. Bragging can be offset by a humbling experience. Travel and action suggest as race. What should be left behind?? She turned over another card, a ten of swords. That was supposed to mean ?misfortune and endings, failure?. ?Clothing.?

?WHAT?S THAT!? Guy stood up so quickly, he almost upended the heavy oaken table.

?To defeat Kakashi, you need to challenge him to a naked race through the streets of Konoha.? Anko tried to look stern and serious. ?If he refuses, you must run on your own to claim victory, and to show who is the braver, better man.? She drew out a set of ten-sided dice and rolled them. She gave Gai a time for the contest.

?I? this?? Gai looked reticent at first. But, his eyes widened and he struck another pose. ?This is perfect. I had my doubts about you, but you seem just as accomplished as Madame Pythia. A remarkable accomplishment in so short a time. Then again, she was the one who anointed you.? He left after swearing to the ?Honor of the Fallen Heroes? that he would follow through on the challenge.

?This job might not be so bad, after all.? Anko?s happy exclamation had the servants nodding their heads.

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A small chime sounded.

Everyone agreed. That form of announcement was much better than the gong.

?Show in the next hopeful,? Anko said, sitting up straight in the chair. Before that, she had been slumped unceremoniously over the arm, with a leg hooked up over the back of her seat. ?Or should I say ?victim?.? That was said so that no one else could hear. She sneezed when one of the long peacock feathers in her exotic crown came loose and tickled her in the nose. She tried to brush the clinging mucus off of the similar feathers in her ankle length robes.

The business with Gai had gone of splendidly, from her perspective. Gai, of course, had been far less sanguine. The city populace had mixed reactions themselves, thanks to the coincidental timing of things.

Kakashi, naturally, had refused to participate. He gracefully allowed Gai to chalk up the win. He left shortly thereafter, not wanting to see the spectacle of a naked ninja streaking down the busy avenue and alleyways. Many of the village folk felt the same way. However, there were plenty of onlookers perched on roofs, hanging out of top story windows, or lining the streets. A number of industrious merchants set up food stands, and someone had been selling commemorative T-shirts.

As it turned out, the day was a momentous one in other ways as well. With news of the stunt never reaching the Hokage?s ear, she had no chance to change Gai?s plans. His run took place at the exact time that visiting dignitaries began arriving in Konoha for a summit meeting of sorts. The Raikage got a particularly good view of Gai?s naked posterior as he ran past his carriage. The daughter of the Mizukage, who accompanied her father in hopes of soliciting an arranged marriage, leaped out of her palanquin and began running after Gai. That had driven the jounin to set new speed records.

?Tsunade shouldn?t have given me this mission,? Anko muttered. Luckily, the Hokage had been able to smooth things over. Rumor had it that the Land of Water was on the verge of declaring war. ?She didn?t have to say that I?ve replaced Uzumaki Naruto at the top of her list!? Naruto. That was someone she didn?t expect to get caught up in this kind of nonsense. It was a shame. With his hot-headed attitude, she could have come up with something really great.

?Lady Anko? your guests?? The servant bowed, and handed two young women complimentary signed photographs of Anko. It was Ino and Temari. The visitor from the Sand was dressed in her customary garb, large metal fan included.

?Lady Anko!? Both girls called out at the same time. They then turned and gave each other a nasty glare. Temari held her nose up in superior fashion. That had Ino fighting the desire to strangle her.

?Let me guess?? Anko threw out a handful of chicken bones. They came from last night?s supper. ?Nara Shikamaru?? That didn?t require any divination. The gossip about that love triangle had been rather torrid lately. Well, it wasn?t truly a triangle, since the boy wanted nothing to do with it. His reputation as a genius was clearly justified.

?That?s right!? Ino nodded her head, a look of respect on her face. She felt her last few doubts melt away.

?Yes,? Temari said, eying the bones critically. She was a natural skeptic. ?Someone keeps getting in my way.? She brushed something imaginary off of her sleeve, as if Ino was of no significance whatsoever.

?Your way?? Ino?s eyes flashed. She was definitely not a fan of Temari, no pun intended. ?Who says you even have a way! Besides dressing up like a tramp? something Shikamaru wouldn?t approve of? you?re not even a member of this village.?

?Oh? I don?t know? he seems to like it.? Temari posed and ran her hands down along her sides. ?I?ve never seen him stare at you the way I caught him staring at me.? She smiled, causing Ino to clench her fists. ?You can bring him a nice selection of flowers, I suppose.? She stretched without yawning. ?I can do better??

?Men can?t help staring at floozies!? Ino stomped her foot. ?It?s a guy thing. But, that doesn?t mean they need cheap women.? She was well aware that Temari was very selective; but, the truth didn?t matter at that precise moment. ?Someone like Shikamaru needs a woman with class.?

?That lets you out,? Temari said. ?In fact?? She was cut-off.

The horrid gong sounded, louder than ever. Anko looked over at the servant who had rang it unprompted, and gave the young man a salute. ?Thanks,? she said. That squabble had been far more annoying than the gong. When her ears stopped ringing, she said ?I take it you want to find out who should get out of who?s way??

Both girls nodded. They then turned their backs on one another and harrumphed. Temari?s fan smacked Ino hard in the rump accidentally, almost causing a wild fracas then and there.

?Now is not the time for this kind of nonsense.? Anko grit her teeth. Temari?s high and mighty attitude had always rubbed her the wrong way. So had Ino?s supercilious behavior. This might allow her to kill two birds with one stone. ?Whoever interrupts the process may find herself in a bad way. Maybe both of you will screw up big time.? She fought a grin. This provided her with the perfect excuse. After both girls apologize, without looking very contrite, she went about choosing the method.

If she was lucky, she could find a way to resolve another issue. Akimichi Choji had visited the night before, looking for his own answer. At a loss, she told him that she would literally sleep on it, and then perform a dream interpretation. He had asked about getting Ino?s attention.

?What did the dice show?? Ino tried to look calm and cheerful.

?Vedic Astrology,? Anko said, making certain she had the necessary cheat sheets for that under the table. She had no clue about the differences between, Vedic, Tibetan, Western, Mayan, and Chinese astrology. She couldn?t give a rat?s ass. All she needed to do was look like she was in control, and sound like she knew something. Lady Pythia had warned her about which patrons had a good knowledge of divination techniques. These two girls were not among them. ?It?s been practiced for thousands of years in India, and is a well-respected science recognized by the government of that country. Just as I will do in a few minutes, the doctors of Indian ayurvedic health consult the astrological charts of their patients for further information, as do practitioners of vastu.? She also had no idea what vastu was. No harm no foul. ?As former customers like you must know, it tracks the position of the Sun, Moon and planets against the position of the stars. There are twenty-seven signs based on the movement of the Moon, called nakshatras. The key planets are the Sun, Moon, Mars, Mercury, Jupiter, Venus, Saturn, and Rahu and Ketu, the North and South Nodes of the Moon. Rahu indicates your material destiny and karma, while Ketu indicates enlightenment. The Sun, Mars, Saturn, Rahu and Ketu are malefic planets.? Malefic? She would send one of the servants to look I up in the dictionary later.

?We?re fortunate that you?re so knowledgeable,? Temari said, beginning to feel less suspicious. Ino nodded her head. After that, the two of them waited patiently while Anko?s helpers brought out charts and books.

Referencing a panchang? a Hindu calendar? the jounin began talking about Moon Signs, Vedic Houses, and the various gemstones and metals associated with the Planets. Trying to think of some mischievous plan, she mused over the various writing, rubbing her chin and nodding her head. Finally, she was ready for her pronouncement.

?There?s no doubt whatsoever,? Anko said. ?The Nakshatra is Pushya, which means Nourishing. That implies a good time for music, dance, and cooking, as well as traveling and improving health. There is also some connection to butterflies. We are dealing with the Fifth House, Putra Bhava, the House of Children. This speaks to romance, games, business, children, and fans.? That last word sounded a bit staged. Anko had needed to slip it in somewhere. But, thankfully, neither girl so much a sneered or batted an eyelash. ?The planet is Saturn. The precious stone is Blue Sapphire? the semi-precious gem is Amethyst? and the metal is Iron.? She then opened a large book and began reading. It had nothing to do with astrology. It was a romance novel. She was taking personal time while making the two girls wait.

Ino and Temari sat, hands folded in their laps. After finishing a particularly steamy chapter, Anko decided it was time to finish the game. ?I?m sorry this has taken so long. I wanted to be certain I was not getting a vague reading.? She closed the large book with a loud ?thwap?. ?There?s no mistaking what it all points too. But, I?m afraid it?s inappropriate. It would be a problem for anyone who is too self-conscious.? She shrugged. ?Maybe we should try a different method? you could come back another day? or you might turn your affection on another boy.?

?I?m not too self conscious,? Ino said. ?Although someone might be?? She looked at Temari.

?As the shinobi of the Leaf are well aware, my courage cannot be questioned.? She looked at Ino. ?Others have not had the opportunity to show similar proof. You know? maybe it was fate? my rescuing Shikamaru from Tayuya.? She smiled. ?As a jounin, I cannot afford to be self-conscious. But, you know that Lady Anko.? Her tongue tripped over the word ?Lady.? Anko definitely did not fit the part.

?I?ve shown my bravery often enough,? Ino countered. ?I will do whatever the signs call for. If someone backs down or gives up, it won?t be me. I promise.?

?I swear too,? Temari said, too busy keeping pace with Ino to consider whether or not she was being rash. ?My word of honor.?

?So be it,? Anko said, hiding a grin behind a paper fan she unfolded. She was very glad that she didn?t believe in karma and things like that. ?It will be a competition. One that involves cooking. I believe the reference to iron involves cooking as well. But, the fan and iron do not go together. In this case, the fan goes with the dancing.? She thought about one of the more popular television programs. She also remembered something she had seen in some of the clubs in the seedier parts of town.?

?Cooking is good,? Ino said. She enjoyed fixing the family meals when time allowed. Temari looked like someone who might have trouble boiling water.

?And dancing,? Temari said. There was no doubt in her mind that she had more grace and stamina than Ino.

?Hmmmm-mmm-mm-m? right? that ought to do it? Iron Chef Shinobi.? Anko couldn?t stand that show. She usually watched the Murder and Assassination channel, if she watched TV at all. ?The secret ingredient will be?? She threw the chicken bones again. ??Snake.? Given her feelings for her old teacher Orochimaru, that choice seemed fitting.

?What?? Ino stuck out her tongue.

?Snake?? Temari frowned. She had caught and cooked sand snakes and other reptiles during her genin days; but, they were hardly anything she would want to serve Shikamaru.

?I?m certain that an accomplished cook can make anything taste like filet,? Anko said. It didn?t really matter. The judge that she had in mind would probably eat anything he could wrap his teeth and gums around. ?I?m certain that the Academy cooks will let you use their kitchen as the ?Kitchen Stadium?. ?You will be allowed to select your own ingredients ahead of time. Then, when we have the audience in place, you will each have one hour to cook a multi-course meal around the theme ingredient. Some part of that ingredient must be present in each dish. You?ll want to create your dishes in a way that will best express the unique qualities of snake.? She held back a laugh. The look on their faces was priceless. ?Unlike in the show, you will not have any assistants. Your work will be judged on taste, presentation, and originality. The one who scores best will have the romantic advantage in days to come.?

?Th-? Th-? That doesn?t sound so bad.? Ino tried to smile.

?I have no problem with that,? Temari said nonchalantly. To her, Ino looked like a ?Princess?. For all she knew, she might never have even picked up a snake.

?Good,? Anko said. ?That?s the hard part. The fan dancing will be easy in comparison.?

?Fan dancing?? Ino looked at Temari?s oversized tessen. ?That gives her an advantage!?

?No it doesn?t,? Temari said. ?Tessen made for war are not used in that kind of ceremony. Small decorated paper fans are.? She was thinking of the Eastern dance of that name. A dance of that type is indeed performed with one or more fans, and is a beautiful art form. ?It is an example of high culture in a number of countries.?

?That?s right,? Anko said. ?But, we are not talking about that kind of fan dance.? Instead, she was referring to the Western variety, an erotic dance performed almost exclusively by women. ?You can be nude, if you choose?? She almost snorted the sip of tea she took through her nose. ?Or, barely dressed to present the illusion of being naked.? She grinned, seeing Ino fall off of her chair. ?You will dance, while moving two large fans constructed from ostrich feathers. The essence of your choreography should be sexual suggestion. You will limit the parts of the body actually shown to the audience, while focusing attention on the illusion of exposure.? She looked over at her servants. ?Of course, the whole idea behind that kind of dance is the aesthetic appreciation of grace and beauty, not to mention simple astonishment at the virtuosity of the illusionary spell.?

?Yes, Lady Anko.? The servants all answered in the affirmative, even though the men knew that Western fan dancing was mainly a source of erotic stimulation.

?I? that?? Ino swallowed hard. She pictured Shikamaru?s face. If this is what it took to finally get through to him, she would do her best to win. Besides, she had given her word. ?I?m certain Shikamru will judge me favorably. Both as a cook and a dancer.?

?The same goes for me,? Temari said. She wasn?t ashamed of her body the way that some Leaf girls seemed to be. But, just the same, she was not an exhibitionist. ?I am certain that his judgment will come in my favor.?

?It very well might,? Anko said. ?After the initial judging is done.? Now, the final punch line. ?You will both have a chance to show off your grace and beauty while the judge ordained by the stars samples the various dishes.?

?What do you mean, ?initial judging??? Ino frowned.

?Is someone else going to be judging our cooking, and our dancing?? Temari scowled. ?Someone other than Shikamaru??

?Yes,? Anko said. ?The reference to butterflies is quite clear.? She paused. ?He will have to be cautioned strongly against bias, however.?

?Who?? Ino closed her eyes, expecting the worst. She thought she knew who Anko meant.

?Akimichi Choji,? Anko said.

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The beaded divider still swung back and forth in rhythmic fashion.

Anko?s twelfth visitor of the day had just pushed his way through the fancy curtain, satisfied with his reading.

?I just don?t get it,? the disconsolate jounin said to no one in particular. ?I could have told him that monkeys were going to fly out of his ass, and he would still have been ecstatic.? She was learning more about human nature than ever before. It was amazing and frightening at the same time.

The long list of patrons should have dwindled faster and faster. Lady Pythia?s customers should have run for the hills, leaving their families and treasured possessions behind them. Instead, no matter what she might dream up, they kept coming back in droves.

?I believe you are even more popular than the Madame was,? one servant said, correctly guessing Anko?s displeasure.

?It would make more sense if I was a madame!? Anko?s reference to prostitution did not bother the servant, despite her sad past. The well-mannered assistant had been forced to work in a run down bordello before staggering into Madame Pythia?s shop years ago. As a result, this place was still like heaven to her. To her, none of this was not about tricking people. It was about spreading hope and happiness.

?They like you,? another servant said, scratching his bald head. He had been a maimed soldier, a deserter sought by his commanders. Madame Pythia had changed his life as well.

?I don?t want them to like me!? Anko sighed. She was getting the itch again. When was Tsunade going to put her on the duty roster? Her bloodlust grew daily. After hearing so many insipid stories, and having bamboozled countless gullible fools, she felt the need to kill something. Instead, she would have to satisfy herself with chaos and tomfoolery. ?Shit!? She threw a handful of olive pits at the nearest gilded trash can, missing with all but one. If there had been a patron in the room, she could have charged him for reading that one lucky seed. Idiots!

?Lady Anko? do you have time for one more?? A young woman peeked her head through the curtain, that separated the house from the back veranda. ?Three, actually.? That helper had been a young vagrant contemplating suicide, before finding this job.

Anko let her breath out in a long hiss. She was exhausted. Who would have guessed that her big act would be this tiring? ?I?m spent. Can?t they come back first thing tomorrow?? She wanted to hit the training grounds and practice a number of jutsus, fearing she might be growing a bit rusty. At this rate, she?d grow soft. No one would pick her as Morino Ibiki?s successor when he stepped down from his position, or found himself on the wrong end of an enemy?s poisoned dart.

?They?re children, Ma?am.? The servant gave Anko her ?pleading? look, knowing that it annoyed the strange young woman no end. It usually brought the necessary results, despite the jounin?s contrary nature. ?They skipped training today, just to wait in line. It must be something important.?

?Really?? Anko slumped I her chair and began chewing on another olive. ?It would serve them right if they get to the door just as we close shop. Heh heh heh. Bunch of truants.? Truth be told, she felt a kinship with anyone who broke the rules. She?d see the genin, but not before ignoring the servant?s request for a bit. That too was part of the game. ?Do we have a blackboard? I could have them write ?I will not skip class? a hundred times while I do my thing.? Yes. She could have them do that while they dodged kunai and sickles! It would be a good learning experience. ?Never mind. I want to get out of this place before dark. Send them in.?

At least this should be somewhat different. She had suffered through countless questions about love and marriage, not to mention the usual garbage about picking entries for the horse race; naming pets or children; choosing the best day to plant crops or set traps for small game; and things of that ilk. Those never brought her any joy. But, things like that business with Ino and Temari continued to make up for the boring stuff.

The girls had gone through with the cook-off and fan dancing. It had been quite a spectacle. The cooking battle had kept the girls busy, but that was nothing all that memorable, except for the anacondas that Anko had received from one exotic pet merchant as payment, after reading bumps on his head through the ancient art of phrenology. It had taken a bit of work to kill and cook the serpents. It had taken even more effort for the Akimichi boy to eat both snakes. Somehow, he managed, and still had room for smaller fare.

It had been the fan dancing that made the contest really special. Boys of all ages would have something to fantasize about for months to come. Unfortunately, for a rather sizeable fee, the news media had ?accidentally? found out about things. That was Anko?s story and she was sticking to it. The royalties from the calendars she planned to have made would be donated to charity. Jiraiya had purchased the best shots for a princely sum.

Unfortunately, not everyone was quite so ecstatic. The incident caused a small diplomatic blemish on the otherwise pristine alliance between Leaf and Sand; but, that kind of thing needed to be tested now and again, so that nobody took things for granted. Gaara, the Kazekage, had been very upset. But, Kankourou laughed himself silly, and went on to build a rather risqu? puppet that earned him a score of bruises from his sister.

Choji somehow managed to survive the event, despite losing a great deal of nasal blood. Being diplomatic, he had named Ino the best cook? Temari the best dancer? and proclaimed things to be a draw overall. That earned him a kiss from both girls. To the portly ninja, Anko was now a goddess.

Shikamaru was none too fond of the jounin, however. When Temari and Ino cornered him afterwards, their faces still bright red with embarrassment, they asked him what he thought. His reply of ?That brings new meaning to bothersome? left him running for his life. He seriously considered the merits of becoming a missing nin.

Naruto, being who he was, had felt compelled to contribute to the debacle in his own way. After the girls were finished with their dancing, he had performed the Sexy No Jutsu, and asked the rabid gathering who they liked best. His scantily clad girl won hands down. That did not sit well with the two competitors, after they had come close to baring it all for the sake of love. It did win him a chaste kiss from Sakura, however. She still loved to see Ino put in her place now and again, even though the two of them had long since become close again, after their fighting over Sasuke had stopped.

The one true casualty had been Ebisu. The special jounin had ended up hospitalized for a week after the fan dance. Naruto?s final Sexy No Jutsu Harem Style had pushed him over the edge.

?Here they are, Lady Anko.? Another servant shepherded three youths into an equal number of carved wooden chairs. ?They paid in coin, Ramen, and First Edition comic books.? By another coincidence, it was the trio of genin from the team led by Ebisu.

?I?m Moegi,? a girl said, goggles resting on her forehead, and long orange hair done up in horn-like pigtails. She held a flower in one hand. ?The girl with the mature figure that drives men wild.?

?And? ummm? I?m Udon.? The boy with the runny nose had on similar goggles. He had a round almost sullen face, and wore a pair of huge round-lens eyeglasses. Sniffling loudly, he hunched his shoulders and looked around the fancy chamber uneasily. ?I like numbers and things.?

?You should know me,? the final genin said. ?Everyone should know me.? Konhamaru hooked his thumbs under his arm pits, giving Anko a conceited smile. ?I?m the grandson of Sandaime Hokage. And, the future Sixth.? He made a face. ?It won?t be Naruto!? He frowned when Moegi sighed at the sound of that name. ?I?m also leader of the Konohamaru Corps.?

?Ah crap,? Anko said under her breath. She hated dealing with kids. And, she couldn?t possible get into too much mischief with kids. Wait? Who said she couldn?t? Afterall, who made the rules here! ?Welcome,? she said in a louder voice. ?Who hasn?t heard of the Konohamaru Corps?? She somehow managed to keep from snickering. ?What brings you to see Lady Anko, wisest of the wise?? She could lay things on pretty thick, too. But, somehow that kind of thing still made her want to retch.

?We want to be the best,? Konohamaru said, his eyes intense. ?Ebisu sensei says it?s a matter of time; but, we don?t want to wait!? He folded his arms over his chest and gave Anko a challenging glare. Big mistake.

?Yes? well? ummm?? Udon wiped his nose on his sleeves. ?What he said.? He sneezed, splattering the costly Nepalese rug at his feet with snot.

?I want to be good enough for Naruto to notice me,? Moegi said, standing up and doing a slow turn. ?I won?t keep my girlish figure forever.? She struck a pose she had seen in one of those sailor girl types of anime. That had Anko hanging her head for a moment.

?That shouldn?t be so hard,? Anko said evenly, her skin crawling. Could she actually be allergic to cretins like this? Ugh! ?I?m certain I can find some kind of quest that will give you a chance to show everyone how good you are. After that, you will probably get special training.? That had Konohamaru smiling, Moegi clapping her hands, and Udon snuffling again.

Not wanting to hang around much longer. Anko needed to pick a method that was quick and easy. She settled on called Klexographie, a parlor game that had inspired Swiss psychologist Hermann Rorschach to develop his famous inkblot test. Ink was spilled on the paper by the one wanting the reading. After folding the paper and creating the blot, the picture could be passed around for everyone to tell a story based on what they saw.

?You will need to look at this through your Inner Eye,? Anko said in a stuffy manner. ?You can do that, can?t you?? Konohamaru and the others naturally rushed to say they could. ?Very good. I knew that ninjas like you could unlock the wisdom of their Inner Voice.? She should write this stuff down. It scared her, the way she was becoming good at thinking up drivel like that. ?The primal part of you will know the answer, even if your conscious mind does not.? That had them all looking rapt, including the self-titled leader of the group. ?Don?t analyze what you see. There is no right or wrong answer. Trust your first response.? Just like the reading of tea leaves, coffee grounds, fireplace ashes, candle wax, and the like, this kind of thing could be touted as having oracular powers.

In no time, the three blots were made. Konohamaru had earned a smack in the nose from Moegi, after dipping one of her pigtails in his inkwell. Udon spilled the remainder of his ink on his lap. Anko clenched her teeth, and then forced a munificent smile. By force of will, she kept her hand out of her weapon?s bag. She smiled, picturing the three as Orochimaru?s apprentices. ?OK. Pass them around. Everyone tell me what you see.?

Udon saw bugs in everything. Bugs, bats, and the shapes that he usually saw after sneezing into a tissue. Moegi kept chattering on about womanly attributes, and how the feathered edges of the ink spots reminded her of lace. For Konohamaru, the answers all had to deal with action, stealth, jutsus, and missions.

?Right. The answer is obvious.? Anko grinned. It certainly was. More havoc and mayhem! ?You need a mission. I have one for you.? That had Konohamaru sitting up straight, an eager look on his face. ?It will be dangerous? require perfect teamwork? and need the utmost skill in infiltration techniques.? She had him hooked. ?And, it must have something to do with mature female figures, of course.? That had Moegi beaming. ?Bugs, too.? She worked seals quickly, creating a barrier that blocked Udon?s next nasal explosion.

?What can have danger? girl stuff? and bugs?? Konohamaru looked dubious. ?I can?t figure it out.?

?That?s why I?m the mystic, and you?re not.? Anko waved her hand in a dismissive fashion. ?If you don?t want to hear what I have to say, I?m sure you can find someone else? or work out your own plan?? That had them all begging her to help them. They would do whatever she told them to do.

The challenge was simple. The three of them would need to stage a raid on the Girl?s Dormitory, swiping every undergarment they could find. After that, they would need to select the frilliest and most colorful. That was the easy part. The next day, when the chuunin and jounin were called together to discuss the crime, the bras and panties would have to be discovered in the deep pockets of Aburame Shino?s voluminous robes.

As the youngsters left in a hurry, scheming and laughing as they went, Anko let out a long sigh and clapped her hands. ?That?s it folks!? She couldn?t get out of her ridiculous garments fast enough. ?Another wonderful and marvelous day.? Her obvious sarcasm couldn?t sour the moods of the people who worked hard to assist her. ?Food. Shower. Sleep. Not necessarily in that order!? She grinned, thinking about that last reading. If the kids got caught, it would serve them right. If Shino was fingered, it would be even better. He had crossed her during a joint mission? him, and that imperious manner of his. Too bad for him. It would be even better if she could get vengeance on the Inuzuka boy too; but, she didn?t need to be greedy.

Leaving the servants to lock up the joint, Anko stepped out into the cool evening. She took a deep breath of air, reveling in the scent of the village. She usually wasn?t one for simple pleasures; but, after being cooped up in that grand but stuffy little house, she had a sudden affinity for nature. That, a steaming cup of tea, some squid on a stick, and an imported film on advanced torture techniques.

?Anko? I?m glad I caught you?? Someone came running up. She had rather noticeable pink hair. It was Haruno Sakura.

?Sorry, Sakura.? Anko kept walking, forcing the other kunoichi to walk faster. ?Shop?s closed for the night. The only thing I can predict now is death and destruction for anyone who asks me another question.?

?I don?t want an answer,? Sakura said in a rush. ?At least not tonight. I?m between shifts at the Medical Center. I want to set up an appointment.?

Anko closed her eyes and counted to ten. She let out a long breath. ?Fine.?