Shots Fired - Part I - Chapter 1 - AU

[0mikr0n]

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[HiFreak]

I like the way this is going. It's very interesting to see Heero's and Relena's lives from someone else's point of view.

Although I couldn't help but notice that Sergeant Viscotti seems more than a little interested in Relena. Wonder how that will work out.

Good job. Keep posting.

[0mikr0n]

Yes, it's evident that he's interested, but the problem is that he knows he can't do anything about it. Chapter Two will explore this a bit more, but it won't go any deeper than this... well, according to my plans, I guess.

Also, I had the next few chapters written out on my other computer, but I'm afraid it's long gone. I'll get to work on the next one right now anyway... I've got nothing else to do but sit here and wait for downloads to finish.

EDIT: Somehow forgot to add the time and date in, that's there now.

[HiFreak]

I know what you mean. Things take so long to download
Glad to hear Viscotti won't be ruining a happy marriage.
Can't wait for next chapter.

[Kainen]

I like this 3rd person perspective you have going. Very, very intriguing, I must say.

At times I'm uneasy about original characters in GW because many that I've read have been...none too exciting.

But your Viscotti is quite the character. You pace him well and the sequence of events is believable.

Good show!

[0mikr0n]

Thanks! It means a lot to me to have feedback, positive or negative. It helps me out when I'm trying to find out what to do next, how to pace it. It tells me if I'm doing good and should leave it the way it is or if I should improve it to see if I can get it going at a more steady pace. Your responses mean all the difference to me, and I again thank you for them.

And believe it or not, Kainen, I actually planned the timeframe very carefully. I didn't want it too far or they would all be old fogies, and didn't want it too soon or it wouldn't make sense. I believe that almost a decade into the future isn't too bad of a jump, though.

In the sense that I used Kevin Viscotti as a roleplay character, I've had about a year to develop him; I've been RPing as him in The Specialists Roleplay since June of last year, so his personality is really built up. I used him as a police officer, mostly, and I guess in many ways he is my alter ego with many tweaks. He's caring and sympathetic, sometimes too much so, but he won't think twice about pulling the trigger if need be. He also knows where his duty lies, and I wouldn't disrespect him for doing so.

So his personality has a deep impact on myself, as well. I basically ripped him out of a year-2000 era in Mecklenburg, Germany, threw him into the future, and gave him a clean haircut. He's renewed, but simply the same guy as the one I've created and grown to revere.

[pilot03]

November 19, AC205. 1904 HRS (7:04 PM)
LOCATION: Berlin, Germany. Near City Hall.

That's my birthday!! :o

[0mikr0n]

Heh, funny. Just glad there are more than two people reading this and paying attention. How do you like the story so far, pilot03?

[Aeris_Eithne]

Great job, 0mikr0n. I'm glad I finally started reading this. Has anyone ever told you what an excellent writer you are? I can hardly believe that you're only 15 and writing like this already... You're going to write a bestseller sooner than I will, that's for sure! I like your weapon descriptions; they're thorough without being confusing. Also, I love your Viscotti character; he's very developed. This could be the start of an original novel. Since Heero and Relena are almost side characters, you could make them (and the Gundam pilots) into original characters loosely based on those from GW.

Now I have (as usual) a few tiny, nitpicky things to point out. Every so often, while describing some sort of action sequence, you'll use an exclamation point. This doesn't work for third-person perspective; save that for first-person only. When you're writing about characters in the third person, you're doing it in a detached, omniscient narrator sort of way, so you need to keep that kind of inflection out. Another thing that stood out to me was the sudden use of Russian. I know you said there would be some foreign dialogue, but there are rules to follow for that, as well. When a character is speaking, you should write out what he's saying phonetically, i.e., "Strasveetzcha! Kakvipuzhi-vayatzcha?" That way the reader gets an idea of what the person "sounds" like. Inversely, if Kevin came across something written in Russian, it would be perfectly acceptable for you to include actual Russian text in your story. ^_^ And that, my friend, is my language lecture for the day.

[0mikr0n]

Well I don't speak any Russian, and I have to use a translator, so it's a little hard. Thanks for the review, though, I'll keep that in mind as I write in the future.