The Perfect Drug (lemon, 1xR)

[Goldilocks]

Whee! Let's see if I've got this right. ^^

This is the first lemon that I ever wrote. *grins* I'm still pretty happy with the way it turned out. C&C is always greatly loved and appreciated! ^_^

~~

The Perfect Drug
Pairing: 1xR
Disclaimer: 'The Perfect Drug' music and lyrics are copyrighted to Trent Reznor/Nine Inch Nails.
Warnings: LEMON, some angst

Author's Notes: This is one of my favorite songs, and it just spoke to me one night of a Heero and Relena lemon. I decided to take the approach of how such a relationship might fare, in the face of the public eye. Would it be generally accepted, were Relena to carry on a relationship with her bodyguard? Or would they have to keep it a secret? This is mostly a Heero POV.

**

It's starting again....

Heero groaned slightly in his sleep, and tossed restively. The sheets were already tangled around his legs and were well on their way to being kicked onto the floor before dawn. He cast an arm fitfully over his head, striking the wall next to the bed with a muffled thump, but he did not rouse. He gritted his teeth, a sheen of sweat spreading like cold fire along his forehead and upper lip.

His eyelids finally fluttered open, and he stared at the ceiling, waiting for the tendrils of sleep to clear away from his vision. His senses finally sharpened to the point where he could make out the ceiling, then the walls, then the faint, almost anemic light seeping into the room from behind the curtained windows. One window was open, and a faint breeze rustled the damask. The night air carried the scent of early summer, redolent with flowers and newness.

Not again...I thought I vowed to myself that never again....

i got my head, but my head is unraveling
can't keep control, can't keep track of where it's traveling

He swung his legs over the side of the bed, and sat there for a moment, gathering his thoughts. He knew why he had been awakened from his sound sleep, though he did not want to admit it.

Finally, he stood, testing his weight momentarily, balancing on the balls of his feet. He stretched briefly, and hitched at his boxers in idle subconscious habit. He contemplated grabbing a shirt, and decided against it. The night was warm, and he didn't have very far to go.

Again....

He knew the way.

i got my heart, but my heart is no good
and you're the only one that's understood

He left the door to his apartment, which was located in the former servants' quarters that had been modified for him, unlocked. No one would dare try to enter his home without his express permission, and besides, he had nothing of value, anyway. He glanced at his watch. 11:26. The gates were locked, the alarm system set up. But he knew the loopholes in the system.

He padded across the vast lawn. His feet, which were bare, since he had eschewed footwear as well, soon became slick from the dew. The normally vibrant green grass was colored an oddly-tinted grey in the faint moonlight. Everything was grey in the moonlight....

A night creature winged past his head, an almost silent whir of wings and disturbed air. He took momentary comfort at its presence. He was not the only one driven by forces beyond their control. The night birds, the bats, they must fly at night. To eat, to live, to die, to just be....

And he....

He had another purpose for being out this night.

As he did every night.

i come along, but i don't know where you're taking me
i shouldn't go, but you're wrenching dragging shaking me

He had never really been able to determine if the side door was kept unlocked and unguarded on purpose, or by accident. It was entirely possible that no one would consider that door, which opened into the vast, metallic-tasting kitchen, as a tempting target for a night marauder. There certainly were house staff that did not know of the door's existance. To a casual observer, locking the door would seem to be overly cautious; leaving it unlocked, a sign of a harmonious household, based in trust.

Or had she purposely left it unlocked?

That was a possibility, too. In the time that he had been here, he had learned far more about her than he had ever known before. She was far more canny and cunning than he had initially given her credit. She was capable of things that some did not think he could do, much less her.

If he didn't know better, he would say that everything that happened around here, happened because she willed it so...from the comings and goings of the house staff, to the unlocked door in the garden, to the rising and setting of the sun and moon.

And his nightly arrival....

No matter how many times he tried to stop himself, to tell himself that this wasn't right, he would still come, following the path through the garden to the unlocked door, as if controlled by a force greater than his own will. A formidable force, indeed.

He eased open the door on smooth hinges, which squeaked ever-so-slightly in the night-silent air of the kitchen. Or was the squeaking that of a small animal, trapped haplessly in a predator's grasp?

Perhaps it was both. Perhaps he had made the noise.

turn off the sun, pull the stars from the sky
the more i give to you, the more i die

The stairs did not sqeak as he walked up them, measuring his footsteps and the time he had left until he reached his destination. They had never squeaked. Not once during his nightly visits, had the stairs betrayed his presence.

The house was almost ominously silent. There were no sounds of people, no sounds of the building living on in its stoic, everyday way...only the vast, empty silence that a large building generates.

He felt like laughing hysterically, if only to break the silence. But that would betray his presence before it was time.

He could not betray his presence. Not yet.

Heel to toe, heel to toe...five more steps...He stopped outside a deceptively simple-looking door, and placed his hands on the antique handle hesitantly. He could, he thought, just turn around, and pretend he had not been awakened. He could lie. She would trust him. She had before.

He opened the door, and stepped inside, closing the door behind him quietly.

Moonlight pooled underneath the open window, dripping over the corners of the bed and running across the floor to meet him, just inside the doorway. The curtains billowed out gently, undulating and weaving lazily in the night air. He heard a soft sigh, and turned to face the bed, almost reluctantly.

She sat there, sheets and coverlet clutched almost painfully in her hands. Her eyes were wide saucers set into her face, and even at this distance, he could see the whites standing out starkly against her pale cheekbones. She had pulled her hair back into a sleeper's knot, gentle tendrils curving to caress her cheeks and neck. One shoulder was laid bare, as the strap of her night shift slipped down her arm.

He bit back a sardonic snort of laughter. Even after all this time, she still has the nerve to look surprised at my arrival.

and i want you
and i want you

He stepped into the room more fully, allowing his feet to step into one of the streams of moonlight coursing across the room. Her face lit up. "Heero..."

No turning back now...

"Relena..."

and i want you and i want you

"I didn't think you would come tonight..."

You knew I would come tonight.

He crossed the room quickly, until he stood at the foot of her bed. As he always did, the rational part of his mind ceased to exist, once he was within leaping distance of her bed. He could barely remember his own name, when he was in her bed. Not until he was halfway back to his own apartment would rationale come screaming back, berating him for his weakness.

But now, she was within reach, and as always, he fell under her spell. And he did not mind, all that much, without his rational mind there to try and convince him otherwise.

His body never had any argument over the morality of these nightly visits.

He sat down on the bed, and leaned over to brush her lips with his. "You knew I would be here tonight," he said, his voice barely a whisper in her ear.

Relena smiled slightly. "Heero...."

you are the perfect drug, the perfect drug, the perfect drug
you are the perfect drug, the perfect drug, the perfect drug

He fisted the covers and whipped them aside, revealing the object of his desire sitting demurely, legs tucked beneath her, night-shift carefully covering them. She was the picture of innocence. But he knew she was not innocent.

His hand crept up to the fallen strap, teasing the line of her shoulder and collarbone. Lips followed fingers, kissing and nibbling his way across her upper chest. He could feel her trembling with pent desire, feel her muscles tensing, winding more tightly as she restrained herself from touching him. But once she had lured him to her bed, it was his game, as much as it was hers.

He dipped his head down, mouthing the tops of her breasts through the fabric of her shift. He nosed aside the fabric, buried his face between her breasts, and inhaled deeply. Relena's scent met him, and he growled slightly in response, the warm, heady musk that was Relena erasing the hesitance in his explorations. Relena let out a low, almost querulous sound, and unable to hold back any longer, grabbed his shoulders, kneading his flesh reflexively at his touch. He did not shake her off.

you make me hard, when i'm all soft inside
i see the truth, when i'm all stupid-eyed

He pawed more insistently at the fabric of her shift, and finally tore it, exposing her soft breasts and darker nipples. He caught one nipple between his teeth and bit down gently, eliciting another soft yelp, then soothed it with his tongue. He continued his ministrations, swirling his tongue around the nipple. He grasped one of her hips firmly in one hand, and brought his other up to cup her other breast, thumb strumming across the nipple.

Relena arched herself toward him, low, throaty sounds of pleasure bubbling out of her chest. Finally leaving her breasts, he tore at her shift more, exposing a line down her torso. He followed the tear with hard, close-mouthed kisses across her belly, and finally ripped the fabric down the the hem of the shift.

He backed away from her slightly, allowing her to recline from her seated position. She propped herself up on her elbows, her chest jutting out slightly, her legs stretched out in front of her. He pushed at the rent fabric, uncovering her hips. He looked up to find her watching him.

Always watching him....

the arrow goes straight through my heart
(without you everything just falls apart)

For a moment, rationale crept back into his mind. Why? Why did her gaze have so much power over him? No one had ever had power over him before. Not Dr. J, not Dekim Barton, not anyone. Everything he had ever done for someone else he did because he wanted to, or because it served his purpose in some way.

But her gaze...She could get him to do just about anything, just by looking at him. Her gaze had stopped him from killing her, numerous times. Her gaze had stopped him from killing himself. He did not understand it. Her gaze, and her voice....

"Heero...."

He did not want to meet her eyes, so instead ducked his head slightly, almost forgetting his position in relation to her body. He was rewarded with a strong draught of her inner scent. Rationale was stored away for later once more.

my blood wants to say hello to you
my fears want to get inside of you

He placed his hands on her knees, and spread her legs a little wider. He had lost count of how many nights had been spent like this, but she still acted slightly virginal, whenever he was this close to her. Sometimes, he wondered why. Perhaps she thought he liked it better when she acted nervous at his presence. Maybe he did. Had they discussed it? He could not remember.

He ran a finger along the edge of her mound, teasing the soft, pink folds, eliciting a soft moan and a tensing of her body. She was already quite wet. He slipped a finger inside of her, and smirked as she gasped at the sensation of invasion. He thrusted the finger slowly in and out of her, adding another finger to the mix. Her body tensed and literally hummed, like a plucked harpstring, not wanting to disrupt his attentions.

He dipped his head down to nip gently at her center, and she let out a high, strained yip of pleasure, laced with surprise and slight pain. He knew that were she not afraid of discovery, her vocalizations would be much louder. But there were others in this house, others who could not know....

He lapped at her folds, wanting to make her as mindless to his ministrations as he was when he was called to her side. His own body responded in kind, and he reached down to tug at his boxers, kicking to free his legs. She whispered his name in a voice robbed of breath, the noises she made only fueling his desire onward.

Relena's back arched, and she clutched at the sheets. One hand laced itself painfully in his hair, but he did not try to move away. He was mesmerized by the taste of her, the scent of her...These moments, yes, these moments made the near-torture almost worthwhile. In moments like these, he could imagine a different situation. One where he didn't have to sneak into her bedroom at night.

It was a pity, when he thought about it....

my soul is so afraid to realize
how very little good is left of me

He reared back suddenly, tearing away from her, his breath rasping in the silence as he tried to regain it. She looked up, blinking at the sudden cessation of his attentions. "Heero?"

They stared at each other for a moment, almost sizing each other up. Existance stopped.

The spell snapped. Heero tugged impatiently at his boxers. Relena chuckled, and turned over onto her hands and knees, stalking him.

He kicked the boxers away, and she pounced.

and i want you
and i want you
and i want you
and i want you

She straddled his waist, running her hands along his chest. He knew he could've easily flipped her over and subdued her, but he knew he could not. She eased back slightly, and her curious, questing hands found his sex, and all thoughts of domination fled with the sighing of her breath along his thigh.

He hissed in his breath through his teeth as she wrapped her hands around his length, and began to stroke gently. His hips involuntarily bucked upward, and he moaned as her mouth closed around him.

The world began to dim, and focus on the young woman in front of him, and what she was doing to him. She added her tongue to the mix, licking and soothing him, and he began to seriously wonder why he had been so hesitant to come to her that night. Why would he hesitate to experience sensations like these?

When she had him like this, he was completely under her control. Anything she asked, he would do. Anything she wanted, he would get. His hands clutched at the sheets spastically.

Lucky for him she already had what she wanted.

you are the perfect drug, the perfect drug, the perfect drug
you are the perfect drug, the perfect drug, the perfect drug

Abruptly, her ministrations ended. She lifted her head, licking her lips slightly. Heero released a huge, pent-up breath, ending in a growl of frustration, only to find her slowly moving up his body, until she was face-to-face with him. She arched one eyebrow delicately.

"If you're going to throw a tantrum, Heero, I can make you leave." The corners of her mouth twitched slightly, as if to telegraph her amusement at the joke.

He narrowed his eyes. "I don't think so." He flipped her over easily, pinning her beneath his frame. Her eyes glinted with excited desire, and her breath caught in her throat expectantly. He fitted his hips to hers, and gave a quick, hard push.

you are the perfect drug, the perfect drug, the perfect drug
you are the perfect drug, the perfect drug, the perfect drug

He groaned as he seated himself inside her, the heat and tightness of her folds closing around him. She writhed slightly beneath him, trying to draw him closer to her. He held off for a moment, trying to rein in his composure and not lose control, despite the overwhelming sensations that being inside her sent through his system.

you are the perfect drug, the perfect drug, the perfect drug
you are the perfect drug, the perfect drug, the perfect drug

He began to thrust, using slow, forceful movements that visibly jolted Relena's body. Her head lolled back, and she clutched at his back, digging her nails into his skin. He hissed in slight pain at the assault, and grabbed her wrists, pinning them above her head. The new angle gave him greater leverage, and he increased his tempo.

you are the perfect drug, the perfect drug, the perfect drug
you are the perfect drug, the perfect drug, the perfect drug
you are the perfect drug, the perfect drug, the perfect drug

Relena's head thrashed from side to side, mindlessly moaning out her satisfaction at the treatment she was receiving. Heero crushed his mouth to hers, swallowing her cries as he pushed himself closer and closer to the edge, bringing her with him as she matched his movements, hips pushing against his.

(take me, with you
take me, with you
take me, with you
take me, with you)

He finally reached the edge and threw himself over it, filling her with himself, his mind faintly registering Relena's mutual, restrained cry of satisfaction as she reached it as well. He was barely aware of collapsing against her, his breath harsh in the suddenly silent room, barely registering her own ragged breathing and her soft hands smoothing at his shoulders and back.

This was what brought him here every night...this one, unsullied moment of pure bliss, where it seemed everything was right with the world, and he didn't need to worry about protocol and public image. Where he could, for a moment, almost forget that he and she could never....

Stop....

Do not deny me this one, small pleasure....

(take me)
without you
(with you)
without you everything falls apart
(take me)
without you
(with you)
it's not as much fun to pick up the pieces

He slowly became aware of his surroundings once more, and swallowed against the bitterness hovering at the top of his throat. He opened his eyes and regarded her face. She was smiling slightly, her eyes closed, her breathing evening out.

He allowed himself the brief luxury of the warm afterglow, let it wash over him in waves. The desolation and regret would set in, like it always did. When it did, he rolled off of her and laid on his back, staring at the ceiling of her bedroom.

In a kinder world, he would greet the dawn in this room, with her. But the world was not that kind.

She finally raised herself on her elbows, pivoting her torso to regard him. "Heero?"

He turned to look at her, the anguish evident in his eyes.

"What's wrong, Heero?"

without you, without you everything falls apart
without you, it's not as much fun to pick up the pieces

"We shouldn't do this...shouldn't meet like this, every night. I don't like it."

"I like it."

"But we shouldn't do this, not like this."

"I need you."

"But it's not right."

"How would we explain it? How could we explain it? No one would understand."

"We could make them understand."

(it's not as much fun to pick up the pieces)

"They would never understand." Relena's face was sad. She gathered the torn edges of her night-shift and tugged it closer to her body. "There isn't any other way, Heero," she added, and for a moment, her voice was softer, gentler...as he first remembered it. He closed his eyes, and drew upon his memories, to find his first memory of her image, way back...back when he first knew her....

Before he knew her....

Before this started....

And now, I cannot end it....

Without you, without you everything falls apart
without you, it's not as much fun to pick up the pieces

~Finis~

[melodrama]

Hi Sara!

Firstly, welcome to our happy family! *hugs*

Secondly... wow! what a fabulous fic to start off with A little sad *sniffs* but I'll forgive you I adore your writing style, very nice... and you intigrated the song into the text very well. I'm actually not a huge songfic fan... I rarely read them properly, simply skimming past the lyrics, but this time I really took it all in, and appreciated the story all the more for it.

Thank you so much for sharing!

Soooo.. *pokes* got anymore?

Love Mel

[melodrama]

Hi Sara!

Firstly, welcome to our happy family! *hugs*

Secondly... wow! what a fabulous fic to start off with A little sad *sniffs* but I'll forgive you I adore your writing style, very nice... and you intigrated the song into the text very well. I'm actually not a huge songfic fan... I rarely read them properly, simply skimming past the lyrics, but this time I really took it all in, and appreciated the story all the more for it.

Thank you so much for sharing!

Soooo.. *pokes* got anymore?

Love Mel

[Goldilocks]

Hi Sara!

Firstly, welcome to our happy family! *hugs*

Thank you! ^_^ I'm very happy to be here...have been perusing the fic archives here, and it's heaven--so many great het fics! How come I didn't discover this sooner? ^^

Secondly... wow! what a fabulous fic to start off with A little sad *sniffs* but I'll forgive you I adore your writing style, very nice... and you intigrated the song into the text very well. I'm actually not a huge songfic fan... I rarely read them properly, simply skimming past the lyrics, but this time I really took it all in, and appreciated the story all the more for it.

Thank you so much for sharing!

Wow...thank you!! *blushes* That was actually the first lemon I ever wrote...I'm still rather pleased with the way it turned out. And I agree with you on songfics--I've seen so many where the lyrics don't really fit in with the storyline, and just get in the way, so I worked extra-hard to make sure they fit for my fic. I'm glad that you think it worked! ^_^

And yeah, I know it was sad. ^^;; I was listening to the song when I got the fic idea, and somehow I knew that I wasn't going to be able to give the fic a happy ending. ^^;; Maybe I need to start listening to happy cheerful music, the next time I want to write a lemon. Maybe. That could get kind of disturbing, depending on song selection. O.O;;

Soooo.. *pokes* got anymore?

Love Mel

*grins* Maybe... ^^ I'm actually trying ('trying' is the operative key term here) to work on a lemon that I promised more than a few people I'd write, but they're really difficult, and I want to make sure that I don't end up writing something lame. But it's in the works, and we'll see what I come up with. ^^

As for other fics (Shameless Self-Promotion Mode ON), I just started posting the new epic AU fic that I'm working on, titled "Ryuu no Hikou", and I would love you (or anyone, really) forever if you read it and let me know how much it rocks. Or doesn't rock, even. I'm non-discriminatory, when it comes to feedback. ^^ (Shameless Self-Promotion Mode OFF)

Thanks for reading! I'm very happy that you liked this! ^__^

--Sara

[blackrose]

I think I may have mentioned once or twice already that I love this. Absolutely. A little sad, but overall, they're together, and better yet - Heero's addicted to her. Weeeeeeeeeeeee! I'll take what I can get.

I replied to your lj last night, too, but I'll say it again. I loved chapter 6 of Ryuu. I'm really excited that you're posting it here. I think a lot of people will enjoy it.

*hugs*

Love,
Rose

[Stella]

I've been meaning to reply for a while - playing catch up!

I love songfics, and you did a fantastic job with this one. It's perfectly dark and the urgency of Heero's need for her... wow!

And loved the song choice!

Stella

[Shooting Gundam Star]

*Mouth hanging open* That was so ggod! More...need more!

[Kanya Barton]

Wow, that was great! Poor Relena and Heero have dug themselves deep in a hole...maybe you could write a follow-up where Heero and Relena present their relationship to the rest of the world finally?? That would be cool! But either way it's an awesome fic!
Peace out!

[gethmane8]

Whoah! That's pretty much all I can say. Nah, I lie. Very romantic and bittersweet. I actually feel bad for the two of them.
But this was an kickass story nonetheless! I hope you do a follow up to this.

[Oyuki]

oh wow. ooh la la!

i like this. this time, it's Relena denying Heero. this time it's her not wanting the world to know. nice!