Makkuro (M 16+)

[Lady Hejanna]

Title: Makkuro
Author: Lady Hejanna
E-mail: Keyup12@aol.com
Disclaimer: I sadly do not own Gundam Wing.
Notes:
Hello everyone, this is my first fic that i have EVER posted. It's a dark angsty fic all my proof-readers said i was disturbed for writing it but i like it. This kinda borders on a relationship what if? I still consider it 1xR, but i don't know if anyone else will get it. Please e-mail me any questions, comments or concerns, or if there are any errors. Enjoy my 'disturbing' fic.


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It was hard sometimes, and she had put up a good fight. But now as she stared into the fogged mirror, she wondered. Wondered if it was really worth it. Her hair hung in wet brown locks as she stared into her pallid reflection.

This was her true self, ridden from the frills and makeup of the spotlight. It wasn?t that she was unattractive right now, especially since she had fully grown up, but that she didn?t have up that wall. It had always made her mouth become a permanent smile with that constant twinkle in her eye. It made her more alive than what she really felt.

Cold air started to replace the warmth of the bathroom. Relena wrapped the green towel around herself, tucking it in underneath her armpit. She dipped her hand into the cabinet, grabbing the face wash and toothbrush, and started her nightly ritual.

Putting on the face wash, she wondered if maybe that was the problem. Maybe her life had become too much a routine to offer any hope of happiness. Though her form of happiness consisted of a brown haired, blue eyed gundam pilot who was content enough to watch from the shadows.

She rinsed the cleanser off her face, taking great handfuls of water and splashing it on. Her thoughts could be interrupted for a moment as she squeezed the toothpaste on the brush. It couldn?t be too much or too little. Just enough to cover the bristles so that the winter mint wouldn?t make her mouth drool excessively.

Scrubbing her teeth, her eyes were lost in thoughts once more. She had tried to sit in the shadows with him, but he pushed her out. She had also tried to make him jealous, with a few of the politicians, which only made him watch more carefully. Though she was grateful one time that he had watched them. One of the younger ones she had dated, wanted more than just a goodnight kiss. Heero had come in and removed him from her room.

Her brushing stopped as she recalled the memory. She was happy that he was there for her. He even came back in to make sure she was okay. Not that she was crying or anything, just a little wild eyed as she sat on the bed. Shock had disappeared once he put his hand on her shoulder, bending his head to search her face.

But after he realized she was okay, he just left. She started to wear herself away after that. Though it was happening bit by bit before, now it was just chunks of herself. In the course of three years she had changed. She wasn?t the hopeful youth anymore, the twenty-two year old who thought everyone could change and live peacefully. No, now she was a hard twenty-five year old. Though she still had some of her old charm, the difference was that now she saw the bitter truth of it. She felt like such a hypocrite.

She spat out the excess toothpaste, cupping her hands in the water to swish in her mouth. Her fathers wouldn?t be so proud of her now. She gave up her happiness and life up for the world. For the lives of certain individuals who had to prove that they had some, and send their citizens to their death because of it.

She put up the items, shutting the cabinet softly. Her eyes glanced on the razor she had used earlier. It had been a few months since she started taking up the habit. She didn?t know exactly why she did it, but it just seemed a relief to do something! Sighing she walked away from the bathroom, towel still draped over her body.

Her room was cool, her body still being wet enough to register. She walked towards the canopy bed, draped in its blues and yellows. This was her haven. Millardo had given it to her as a farewell present, when he and Noin left for the Mars Terra-Forming project.

As well as giving up the old Peacecraft house, he had made sure she was taken care of. Working up an agreement with Lady Une, she had three of the five gundam pilots as personal guards, and was financially fit even for a politician. She was very appreciative for all of his help, but what she really wanted from him was ignored. She wished he would come back so she could get to know her older brother.

Her eyes water up, but she forced the pressure back behind her eyes. Crying wouldn?t solve anything. She laid out her pajamas on the bed, a pair of green shorts and a yellow tank top. She grabbed the hairbrush off of her night stand and leaned against the bed, brushing her hair.

Smiling slightly her eyes glanced up at the three cameras within her view. They were there for protection purposes, and only Heero, Trowa and Duo had access to them. She wondered if she was making them uncomfortable yet. She could imagine it, Duo refusing to look at the screens, Trowa turning to the side, keeping the screen in his peripheral vision, and Heero?

She faltered on Heero for a moment. Guessing he would only look at the screen out of necessity rather than anything thing else. She grabbed the shorts and slipped them under her towel. Then taking the top slipped it over her head and down her sides. The towel dropped in a smooth motion and gathered at her feet.

She had a flashing image of Heero, just sitting in the control room watching with the care of a robot. A wave of depression over came her, the thought of him there but not there forced her eyes to water again.

She bent down and reached for the towel to sling over her shoulder. Then she grabbed the brush and headed back to the bathroom. That was the only place that the cameras were forbidden, where she could do things with nobody checking in on her. Where she could cut herself and nobody freak out.

She shut the door behind her, throwing the towel over the rack. Relena saw herself as she now was, a skinny little thing, with barely there curves. If she ate more she supposed she would fill out more, but there was no point. Nobody cared about her body, so they never saw the scars.

Lifting up the yellow top, she saw the pale white lines down her sides. With one hand holding the shirt, she used the other to trace the lines. One thing about this kind of act, is to do it where nobody will see, otherwise you?ll get caught.

So that?s why she ran a razor down her side, it was easier to conceal. Sometimes she would run it down her legs, but then that was risky too. When she choose to go swimming she would have to give an explanation of some ?accident?.

She picked up the shaving razor, holding it in her hand for a moment before breaking the cheap plastic around the blade. Between her fingers she now held the thin blade, neither dull nor severely sharp.

Soon the ache that she felt would be dulled by the cutting of her flesh. It would distract her enough to forget about the hurt that she would bare everyday. Now she would have to be quick about it, depending on who it was watching her. She had spent too much time in here daydreaming, and would leave very little time for her distraction to take place.

Hiking her shirt up to the edge of her breasts, she edged the blade down her left side. She hissed as she felt it slice through, but she did it in short cuts. The blood slowly welled up, but not fast enough, for she continued to cut. Now she was past her ribs and going into the soft flesh of her stomach.

She balanced her left arm on the white tiled wall, letting her shirt edge slowly back down. She leaned her head against her arm, breathing slowly, ever so slowly. When you get to certain parts of the body, you have to calm down and take it easy, otherwise you?ll do more damage, that might not be so easy to fix.

She paused for a moment, letting herself take a couple of deep breaths. She saw the clock now, she had been in here for over forty-five minutes. They would soon start to worry, if all three were there like usual.

?One more time,? she murmured to herself, wiping the blood off the blade with her fingers. She slid it back in, just above the hip and started dragging it now across her lower stomach. She had to take deeper breaths now, she hadn?t done it on the thin flesh there before, and it was more acute now. The blood flowed a little easier, but she just tilted her head up towards the ceiling, ignoring it.

?Ugh,? she moaned out unconsciously. She looked at herself, her handiwork upon her skin. She was a bloody mess, she had pushed the blade a little too far, and it was seeping faster than the other cuts she had made. She breathed hard, stopping a moment with her hand on the blade, holding just in place not to cause further damage.

All she could hear was herself, and started when the soft rapping of knuckles on the door made her jump, and incidentally push the razor blade all the way in. She doubled over in pain and shock.

?Yes, who is it?? she asked squeakily. Prying her fingernails in the cut, trying to pull the blade out.

?Relena? Are you okay?? It was Trowa. She saw him up against the door, his shadow pinpointing his movement from the frame of the door.

Panic was starting to set in, and she could only cope with the rising tide of it. ?I?m okay,? she whispered shakily, then coughed as she said louder, ?I?m okay.?

?What are you doing, Relena.? Came the harsh voice Heero. She saw another shadow take a place on the opposite side of Trowa. They were both there, blocking the door on either frame, waiting for her to come out.

?N-nothing. Really I?m? okay.? She couldn?t let them see her like this. She could feel the blade now, she just had to get it out and clean up the mess it left.

?You?ve been in there nearly an hour and a half.? Heero stated. It was odd, completely out of her pattern, but she couldn?t be angry with them. Anything that she would do out of the norm was to be checked on.

?Damn this blade!? she thought angrily. Gripping it between the nails of her thumb and her index finger. Gritting her teeth she ripped it out.

It took all her strength not to scream out loud, but she did moan painfully. She leaned forward, grabbing her stomach as she fell to the floor. Holding out her other hand she braced herself on all threes on the tile.

?Relena? Relena!? They both shouted into the door. She glanced up just as the door was broken down by two sets of legs.

Apparently they weren?t prepared for the sight of a bloody Relena on the floor. It took them a second to register but then they were quick to act. She apparently wasn?t ready for them, not ready for them to see her like this, and that?s when tears rolled down her face.


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?Relena? Relena!? When she refused to answer, they both backed away from the door. Thinking as one mind, they brought their legs up, kicking the door down in one swift motion. It fell apart easily, the impact barely registering in their legs. And stepped inside quickly.

They barely could take in the scene before them. Relena on the floor clutching her stomach as the pool of blood slowly grew bigger. They didn?t think anymore, just reacted. Heero going for the first aid kit underneath the sink and Trowa calling for Duo on the radio as he reached down to pick up Relena.

He hoisted her up onto the edge of the tub, sitting on her left side. Heero came to kneel in front of her as he emptied the contents of the kit onto the floor, rummaging through to see what was needed.

They each took minute glances, surveying the damage and getting out the necessary bandages. They didn?t even acknowledge when Duo came running in, stopping in the door frame, just gaping at the scene. ?Relena?? he huffed out, before coming down on her right side.

He helped them pick her up carefully and lay her down in front of the shower, on the green shag rug that lay on the floor. He hoisted her shirt up as far as modesty would allow, and laid her arms against the shower door.

He saw the tear tracks down her face, but couldn?t think to worry about those right now. There were other things that had to be dealt with first.

Trowa was already handing out to them cold wash clothes, each to wipe the blood spreading across her skin. They did so with careful diligence, trying not to open the wounds wider in their care. Heero and Duo took care of the wound on her belly. He held the cloth down, applying pressure to stop the flow, as Heero wiped along the edges, they had to see how deep it actually was.

?They?re shallow on this side. A couple of bandages will work here. How deep is that?? Trowa asked, pulling the Ace bandages out and taping them over the injuries. He looked up at them to see their report.

?I don?t think she?ll need stitches. It?s deep, but uh, the uh cut is thin. We can close it with the butterflies bandages, and tape others over it just in case.? Duo managed to say, as they did exactly that.

In the course of fifteen minutes, they had surveyed, cleaned, and bandaged her up. No blood was left on her skin, the danger was over, but they all remained there.

None of them knew exactly what to say about the situation. She just laid there, staring into her bedroom, from her position on the floor. Heero and Duo on her right side, Trowa on the left, and they were all looking at her.

It didn?t register at first, but soon Heero was leaning down over her. Something had caught his eye, and as they looked, they noticed it as well.

Thin white scars trailed over her skin. It looked as if a kindergartner had tried to keep score on her flesh with a pocket knife. She didn?t even try to hide it, and Duo couldn?t decide which was worse: the fact that she had done it or that she wasn?t even going to conceal it.

?How long?? Heero?s rough voice demanded in the silence of it all. She didn?t even acknowledge he had spoken either. She just stared blankly into her room, trying to imagine she was all alone again.

?Relena?? The quiet voice of Trowa followed suit. But again, she wouldn?t hear them.

?C?mon Relena,? Duo?s usually playful voice now stunned as he pulled her so she could sit up. ?There we go. You okay now?? He pulled her shirt back down, to cover the bandages.

?Why don?t we get you into bed?? he stated so motherly.

They got up, Trowa to turn down the bed, and Duo to carry her over to it. Heero proceeded to clean up the room, throwing towels on to the small pool of blood, mopping it up. Then fixing the mess he had made with the kit.

When he was done with that, he picked up the two pieces of the door and set them against the wall outside the bathroom. He turned towards the bed, Relena had come out of the shock, and was now sitting up. She was crying softly to them, not grasping on to them but quietly talking as tears ran down her face.

They were haggard, it had been a shock to them all to see their Relena trying to die. Apparently she had done it before, but why?

?Why?? He couldn?t comprehend it yet.

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Relena was laying on her bed, her blue and yellow comforter covered over her. Duo was sitting on the bed with her, his legs draped over the side as he held her hand. Trowa was behind him, arms crossed as he shifted his weight on to his left leg. He was assessing the situation.

Relena shifted in her position, sitting up on her bed. Duo unconsciously shifted her pillows so that she leaned back against them.

She flinched as Heero came out of the bathroom. Setting the two boards of what used to be the door, against the wall. She then felt his eyes on her, trying to understand the situation. Refusing to meet them, she just studied her hands as they lay on her comforter.

?We?ll go get her some juice.? Trowa said quietly, arms dropping to his side as he went to gather Heero. Their feet making a soft padding noise as they crossed the room, clicking the door shut behind them.

Her tears were slowing now, their tracks drying on her flushed cheeks. Duo rubbed her hands between his fingers slowly, comforting her. He brushed his left hand through her hair, down her back. At least now she was breathing normally.

They sat in an awkward silence. One wanting to know, the other wanting forgiveness but both wanted to forget that it had happened.

?Relena?? Duo started out, but when she looked up at him with tearful eyes he stopped.

?Duo, I-I?m sorry!? She fell against him, crying into his shirt. He wrapped his arms around her figure, hugging her close to him and continued to brush her hair with his hand.

?Don?t worry about it. We?ll get through this, Ojo-sama.? He kissed the side of her head, and smiled as she gave out a sobbing chuckle.

They both sat back, but Duo held on to her, holding her shoulders. She gave a sad watery smile as she sniffed. ?I thought I told you not to call me that anymore!? She chuckled again, but it was hard to tell if she wasn?t sobbing either.

He shrugged. ?Habits are hard to break, Ojo-sama.? He grinned at her, as she brought her hands up to wiped the fresh tears of her eyes.

He only called her that to cheer her up, though in the beginning it only succeeded to annoy her. In training to be a gundam pilot, he had to know many languages: French, Spanish, English, bad English, Dutch, and Japanese. After she had become known as the ?Former Queen of the World-Vice Foreign Minister Dorlian? he had readied a nickname for her: Ojo-sama. A Japanese word meaning ?Princess?.

As he refused to give up the name, their friendship grew from it. He would say it to loosen her up, to become herself and she desperately appreciated it.

He sighed and sat back on his leg, one was draped over the side of the bed. He pulled of the preventer jacket, placing it over her nightstand, and turned back to her.

?Relena,? He started once more, ?What?s going on? Why? why??

She looked down at her hands again, how neatly they were placed on her comforter clad lap.

?I-I.? She didn?t know how to explain it. ?I wasn?t trying to kill myself.?

?Then what were you doing? Relena, you?ve never been like this before! You?ve always been this strong, out-spoken woma-?

?But I?m not!? She interrupted. ?How can I be a strong? I only do what?s necessary! And I?m not out-spoken, I just say what should be said!? She was now at a whining pitch. Duo had coiled back from her verbal outburst.

?But Relena, you are. You will do what others are to scared to do. That?s what makes you strong!? He returned back, but not harshly. He was trying to make her feel better, but had an idea that this was going to go a lot deeper.

?Tell me what?s really going on, Relena. The real reason.? He said gently.

But it wasn?t gently enough for her. She looked at him crossly, and threw the covers off of her bed before getting off. She stood on the opposite side of him, and he just stared back at her from his position.

?What would you like to know, Duo?? She hollered angrily at him, holding her arms out. ?Would you like to know how? That?s easy enough, I use my shaving razor blades!?

He got up from the bed, crossing the floor to stand by the foot of the four-post bed. She continued with her tirade as he leaned up against it to watch her.

?I?m guessing you want to know why, now, huh?? At this he gave a nod, which pissed her off even more. ?Why else, Duo! I?m not happy!?

?Well nobody?s happy, Relena.? He calmly interjected. ?Why should you get special treatment for happiness??

?You mean because I gave up everything to help all these damn people live peacefully? Maybe you?ve forgotten, I?ve been doing this since I was seventeen years old!? She tossed back venomously.

?And I?ve been a pilot since before then. What?s your point??

She screamed out suddenly, clutching her head with her hands and digging her nails into her skull. It was too many emotions to contain at once. He rushed at her, grabbing her at her wrists and pulling her up.

She looked up at him then and he saw her red, glassy eyes. He was surprised she could still produce tears, she had been crying for almost a good two hours it seemed like.

She tried to snap her wrists away from his grip, and after a few futile attempts he relented. She took a couple steps back, and he allowed her to have the distance. He knew this game well, she had to be off-balanced to confess to him. It was a tactic that he learned from way back, and it was one of the better ones, in his opinion.

?How can you not know, Duo!?? If looks could kill right now the stare of her eyes would have been like a bullet into the lungs. ?I don?t have anybody here! My brother is gone, on a another planet! The only thing I get from him is a couple of well-wished messages every half year.?

?You?ve hardly known Zechs that long. Why would it matter so much?? Being the jerk wasn?t necessarily the best part of this, but it helped. In the long run it helped.

?He?s my brother! He should be here for me! Even if I don?t know him, that should be all the more reason to have him here!? She pointed her finger to the ground, emphasizing her point.

He looked down to where she pointed, mocking her in a sense. Her limb lost it?s rigidness, and fell to her side. Her head was down cast and she spoke in defeated tone.

?I can?t take it anymore, Duo.? He glanced up at her when she spoke, her body was trembling, he noted. ?I?m tired of being rejected by my family? being rejected by him.? She ended in a barely there whisper.

He closed the distance between them, wrapping his arms around her body and she clutched his body. He could feel his shirt dampen as she was still trembling in his embrace, but said nothing. He just rocked her slightly, holding on tightly to her. They had gotten somewhere, finally, now they had to get past it.

?I just want to be happy, Duo.? she finished dejectedly.

?I know.?

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?I told them we?d get some juice, for her.? Trowa calmly declared.

Heero shut the door softly behind him and nodded. They walked together down the hallway, the padding of their feet kept in perfect time with each other. To the casual onlooker it would?ve been creepy how in sync they were.



The staff had disappeared for the night, tucked away at their own homes, taking care of their own problems. It wasn?t that Relena had so many employees just that she had enough to do the job quickly and effectively. She hardly fired anyone, but frequently gave them chances to redeem themselves. The staff consisted of twenty people, not including them. They were her private guards, ones that rarely left the sanctity of her homes.

From time to time she would force them to take vacations. Duo, only to happy to oblige, would take four days out of every other month. He would always head back to the colony, checking on Hilde and friends he had made.

It would take more convincing for Trowa, he only took three days at any one point in time. Only when forced or when Catherine needed to see him. Heero, on the hand, would rarely take off. Relena had to completely force him to take off, even then he only took two days. He just didn?t want to take the time, his job depended on him keeping her safe. He had always thought that if he wasn?t the one watching her, then she wasn?t safe. Nobody could do a job like him.

Coming upon the arched staircase, they never hesitated as they made there way down. It was carpeted as well, it was some unwritten rule that if you were a politician your second story was carpeted while the first was a hard surface. They then turned as one, heading across the foyer and into the hallway leading towards the kitchen.

All they had left was to cross the dining room, turn down the short hallway and there at the end was it. It was one of those restaurant kitchens, big and equipped with the latest culinary devices. Properly staffed it could easily accommodate a dinner feast.

Heero went up to the counter, shoving his radio on it?s silver surface while pulling out a stool, and plopped down. Crossing his arms, he let out a sigh, whether is was of relief or frustration even he couldn?t tell. The clink of a glass across from him told that Trowa started to prepare the juice.

?Why do you think she-? Heero began silently, to him it sounded like he was talking loud, causing him to pause.

?She cut herself?? Trowa ended. He was deftly pouring the juice into the glass. He screwed the cap back on the jug before setting it back in the fridge. He put his hands on either side of the counter, his back facing Heero. ?One can only guess.? He sighed.

?But,? He continued on, joining Heero on the counter-table in the middle of the room, ?I don?t think she was aiming to die.? He set the glass in between them, pulling out a stool for himself.

?This isn?t like her.?

?No, it isn?t. But what can we do??

Silence. Neither had the right answer for it. They ran through possibilities in their thoughts. But what could they actually do to help.

?We have to report this.? Trowa?s quiet voice penetrated his thoughts. He just nodded at him. They had to report this unfortunately. ?Have you thought of what your going to say??

Heero looked at him then, nodding only slightly. Of course he would report it, when they were always on shifts like this, Heero was the one to do it.

A dulled screaming permeated through the walls. They both looked up at the ceiling, realizing it was Relena. They both tuned out for a moment to try and decipher the argument.

?I?m not surprised that she?s started this habit. Though I didn?t have bets on her cutting.?

Heero?s eyed narrowed at his quiet voice. Saying nothing, he pushed away from the table, starting the menial task of pouring coffee for himself. There was always a pot in here, Duo always had to have caffeine.

?You know it?s about her affection for you. It always has been. So wouldn?t the better question be, ?what are YOU going to do??? He looked at Heero, chin balanced on intertwined hands, leaning on the counter with his elbows. His emerald eyes carefully watching his partner.

What could he do? Heero admittedly has never been a fan of showing his emotions, nor did he really want to. They could be the biggest encumbrance to him, and he really didn?t need that.

He poured the bitter liquid into two cups. Steam misted over the rim slightly before he grabbed them and walked over to his previous spot. Sliding Trowa?s to him, he steadily took a sip of his own. Trowa followed suit, setting it lightly back down, and again looked toward him. His green eyes showing his patience as he awaited an answer.

Heero turned away before roughly asking, ?What am I supposed to do about it??

He shrugged, in response taking another sip. ?Do you want to do something about it??

Silence. ?To make sure she doesn?t hurt herself more.?

?That?s a typical response. But that?s not what I meant.?

He gulped down another draught of the coffee, calculating his answer. ?I?m here to protect her. It?s what I?ve always done. There?s nothing more to it. This situation just calls for us to protect her from herself.?

?How do you propose we do that??

?We let Une decide. I?ll report this to her, and she?ll let us know what should happen with Relena.? Heero?s voice went monotone, as if he was reading straight out of a book. He leveled Trowa with a stare, as the other pushed away from the table-counter.

He retrieved the juice, and walked to the doorway, twisting so that he was glancing at him from the side. ?Be careful Heero, you could ruin her with your callousness.? He then straightened himself and left to give the juice to Relena, leaving Heero to file his report.


-TBC

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Let me know what you think!

[AislinOriel]

This is dismal, but it's still very good, and now I'm intrigued. Do continue please.

[RelenaDorlinYuy1]

First of all this is really a dark fanfic because it hit alot on the touchy sitrations becasue i personaly went the same path of Relena has been, but that happen long long time ago , anyway i have to give you mad props of writing this i hope later in the chapter it will be much lighter and more 1XR !!

[Kainen]

Hey, hey. Yes, definitely not a cheery topic matter, but I like how you handled it. It was real and justified, I think.

I'm glad you're not edgy about posting it and I hope you continue.

It's refreshing, really, for a fic to take this kind of direction. I haven't read a "dark" fic along these lines in a while, and I'm anxious to see what you do with it.

Props to you! and please continue.

And it's not "disturbing" C'est "real".

Solid 1st chapter.

[Lady Hejanna]

^_^ Thank you all for the comments, it means a lot to me as a starting writer. The updates will probably be slow at best cause i don't know exactly how far i want to take this. Please don't give up on it though, i will try and get one out soon.

[samta22]

Very dark... very very very dark, but sadly realistic... I like it...

Please continue...

[lilac310]

What's Makkuro?

Anyways, great story ..keep it up!

[Lady Hejanna]

Makkuro is Japanese for "Pitch Black". My fiance help me choose the name because as he said "In times like this, you don't want it to be just dark, it has to be pitch black so no one can see what's really there."

Well i understood what he meant, and it really fits what i'm going for.

[lilac310]

oh ok...now on to Chapter 2! Cheers!

[amulak]

This is so angst-licious!! Please, please, please- update!!! This is so good - it needs more chapters!!!!
*dances to help inspire more chapter production*