Sentence starters. [ And description in general. ]

[AnShino]

I like to know how do you avoid writing this:

"He sighed. She looked at him sharply. He took a breath and started to speak, but she cut him off before he could form the words in this throat. the stinging of his cheek told him she'd slapped him and as his hand moved to touch it, she fled."


After looking at it, I came up with this:

"Silence reigned for a full minute, her green eyes piercing his amethyst ones before the latter conceded defeat. The remorse and sadness was veiled by his hair as he downcast his gaze to meet the floor and sigh. Her piercing glare was relentless and all the more heartwrenching when he glimpsed the unshed tears. It was like an out of body experience: he felt his mouth open but not her hand connect with his cheek. Only the stinging red handprint told him what had just transpired. Before any words were said, she was gone."


But I want to know, how do you guys avoid writing the first of the avoid paragraphs? How do you stop yourselves from always starting a sentence with s/he or him/ her or The, As, & A all the time? I mean, I know you're going to have to start sentences with the above words sometimes or else you're going to get stuck with no writing at all, but still, I'd like some advice in starting sentences without telling the reader exactly what the character is doing but rather how the character is doing it [ also sans ( excessive use of ) adverbs ].

[AnShino]

how do you guys avoid writing the first of the avoid paragraphs?

Obviously, that second avoid is supposed to be "previous." You'll have to understand, I'm going on no sleep. Sorry.

[melrose_stormhaven]

Actually, I felt the second one was a little too...descriptive. Try to be a little less flowery and more to the point. remove unnecessary adjectives and adverbs. You could still shorten that paragraph...

My fiction teacher told us real writing comes not when you write the story...it's when you start revising it.

Gah! I'm sleepy too..will think more clearly after sleep...

[AnShino]

Lol. I'm just using examples I came up with what was it.. 5 AM maybe? As I said, I'd like some help. When to cut back, when to add, how to start sentences without using I/ S/he/ Her/ Him continuously, because I'm sure we can all agree that that gets old fast.

[Beer-monster]

Um...do you're characters have names? Try that.

If you can use another descriptor that lets your audience know who you refer to, tag that on. But be wary about which you pick (no perfect soldiers), try not to be too flowery but too generic and don't use them if you are writing from that person's perspective in 3rd person limited.

Most of all I would just say jumble the the, hes and shes up, no one really notices unless you use it all the times. Try not to start two sentences the same way in a row, and try to put some distance between.

"The silence was heavy, thickening to fog around them that clogged the air and beat at them with a cold caress. Unable to take it, Sasuke sighed, the noise splitting the mist like the spark of thunder. Sakura's eyes found him, the peircing edge of her glare peeling at his skin liike a knife blade. Those green eyes flogged him bare with no mercy,
but her body moved to have its say. He did not feel the stinging imprint of her palm on nhis cheek until he she had already moved, and then vanished into the shadows."

Oh...you could also refer to her more specifically if it's warranted, eg,. directly at her eyes or hands.

[melrose_stormhaven]

Use metaphors, or other figures of speech...

Nice description beer. XD

[AnShino]

Use metaphors, or other figures of speech...

Nice description beer. XD

Lol. Thank you both for the help. It's just that I've been so frustrated writing. >< Oy vi, nothing was coming out right! [ Or so I thought. ]

[Beer-monster]

It's just that I've been so frustrated writing

We all feel that way, especially those of use who suck, since you don't you can give yourself a break

[AnShino]

Hehe, how do you know I don't suck? *raises eyebrow amd smiles*

But.. I really can't give myself a break.. this thing has a due date. A real due date that's approaching.. and I can't get myself to finish this thing off. :evil:

[melrose_stormhaven]

Due dates. I hate them. stifles creativity...or encourages it...