Desires of the Heart 23/25(?)

[zapenstap]

Desires of the Heart

Chapter 23

By Zapenstap








By the time she paid the cab driver and stumbled through the front door, Relena did not feel like grieving. Despite shivering in satin, her skin pebbled from the chill in the air, she did not feel the cold. Inside she burned like a furnace, a white-hot fury frothing up from her stomach to her throat until she wanted to scream or throw-up or toss herself to the floor in a storm of angry tears.

?I hate you, Heero, I hate you. I hate you. I hate you!? She cried as she said it, the words ripped from her gut like a barbed blade, dragging out everything with it as it was pulled. She choked and coughed and stumbled to the floor, grateful for the physical pain and subjection she felt as her knees slammed against the wood, wishing she could hurt herself more just for the clarity. Her imagination conjured up images of knives and guns and ropes and chains, tools she could use to commit violence against herself if she was ever so inclined. Would he be sorry then? Would he know how much she was hurting then?

She wasn?t serious about it. Nothing but pain for other, innocent people came from that sort of thing and she had no wish to hurt anyone except herself, not even Heero. She didn?t want to hurt even him. She just wanted him to know how hurt he was, how much she hated him and loathed herself for the fool she had let herself be. She wanted herself to know it.

?I am such a goddamned idiot! I can?t believe I believed so blindly. I can?t believe I??

Memories bubbled up like grease rising to the surface of a muddy puddle, a swirl of remembered mistakes that made her feel like she was about to sick up at every step. Every uncontested concession, every simpering smile, every time she caressed him to sooth herself, every time she wondered anxiously about his feelings; it all churned together in her stomach, making her feel wasted and dirty and used. The worst was all the smothered pain she felt over how easily she had been convinced to throw her virginity away on somehow who didn?t care to think what it meant to her enough to tell her it hadn?t been wasted. Overall, that was what had hurt so much. He didn?t care. He may care about her, but he didn?t really care; he didn?t care what she had wanted. He didn?t understand. He didn?t know what he meant to her, how she felt, how she spent every moment trying to make his life better, how every decision to further their intimacy had been weighed and agonized in her mind until she gave over for love and hope of some greater union and deepening feeling between them. But none of that so much as crossed his mind, and in lieu of that understanding, the result was that she was simply inconsequential. He didn?t care. Her love was all for nothing. It was worth nothing.

So much for dreams and ideals.

Wiping tears from her cheeks, she pulled off her heeled shoes and threw them against the wall with a raw and ragged cry. The heels crashed into the plaster, leaving ugly marks on the smooth white painted panels before they dropped to the floor with a lifeless thump and lay still, one heel broken and hanging askew. Anger surged and spilled over into tears like rapids into a waterfall. Relena wept anew. She wanted nothing more than to ruin every expensive, shiny and new thing she owned, but it hurt to treat anything like that! She loved those shoes. She probably loved them more than Heero loved her!

From where she sat huddled on the ground, Relena raised her face to look at the phone on the wall just above where her shoes had hit and then fallen. How long since she had left the party? Was Heero still there? Would he stay or go home? Would he worry? Would he call? She stared at the phone through her tears, imagining the sound of it ringing, almost waiting for it like a child waiting to taste the dinner she smelled cooking in the kitchen. She didn?t want him to call. She never wanted to hear from him again. But she wished he would call so she could tell him that she loved her shoes more than he loved her, to reject him more thoroughly than she had!

Anger propelled her to her feet. It was time to rid herself of Heero Yuy.

Stumbling up from the floor, she ran barefoot around her home, scanning her counters and shelves and corners for a cardboard box of any decent size. She found one in her kitchen filled with potted plants that she deftly displaced to the table, and careless of the dirt that sprinkled her clean kitchen floor, she turned the box over and carried it into her living room. Still in her evening dress, she deposited it right-side up on the carpet and immediately began to sort through her house for anything to throw into it, anything that reminded her of Heero and would cause her to cry over him a second longer than she had to.

Her search took her to every corner of the house, and she was surprised how much she found lying around that she had kept or held onto, sometimes for years, because it reminded her of Heero or held a promise that he might someday come to be hers. Old pictures, a picture of a night sky she had thought to resemble the color of Heero?s eyes, domestic notes from her trips to L1, that blue dress from her fifteenth birthday party with the hem still ripped, the letter from Mrs. Noventa that she had kept because Heero wouldn?t take it, everything that even remotely made her think of Heero Yuy went into the box. Rage gave her the strength to chuck even what was most precious to her. The aquamarine pendant that Heero had given her she tossed in quickly as if it burned. She had never known why he had given it to her, but since it was obviously not for love, she did not want it.

At the last, while upstairs scanning for anything that remained, she spotted the bear Heero had left for her on the plane with the happy birthday note she had torn in half but later taped back together. It lay on her bed, a simple thing of innocence and promise, yet it brought a swift and powerful pang of fury to her heart. Heart beat racing as if there was an open wound in her chest through which her blood was flowing, she snatched the offensive creature from its perch and carried it in both hands down to her living room to toss it unceremoniously into the box with the other junk. Looking at that bear lying stiff and flat on its back in a box, she realized she resented it more than anything. It symbolized everything that had led her to despise herself now: innocence and expectation and childish, romantic ideals, everything that had been dashed to pieces.

?I hate you,? she said again, and let tears well up in her eyes until she couldn?t make out the bear anymore. She wasn?t sure if she meant Heero or herself this time.

The house was deathly silent, like a courtroom awaiting the judgment of the jury. No voice or movement other than her own intruded upon the silence, and Relena knew that there wouldn?t be. No knock at the door or ring of the phone would stir her private waters. It was all business as usual from here.

Half-blinded by tears, Relena furiously covered the box with a plastic sheet to keep out the dust and taped it shut with packaging tape. Hoisting up the box awkwardly in both arms, she then trucked it down to her cellar, kicking open the door to an empty room she rarely entered and in which she kept very little. She scanned the room for a place to bury the memories of her lover and her friend, her friend who deserted her for other women after he had broken her heart and then yelled at her for being upset about it. With the help of a rickety old ladder that she struggled with and cursed at in violent, misplaced anger, Relena managed to ascend to the top shelf in her satin dress and shove the box into the shadows of the far left corner, the corner farthest away from the light emitted by the door. She shoved it for all she was worth.

When she climbed down the ladder and out of the cellar, she felt sick and winded. Her feet were ice cold and the rest of her was shaking and shivering from spent emotions and little to no material covering. As she made her way to her room, she began thinking of what kind of men she liked?none of whom was anything like Heero, or at least had something he obviously lacked. She had to start dating again, preferably quicker than Heero did. In her mind she created someone self-assured and amiable and driven to good in the world, someone more like herself on her best days, someone who would understand her strengths and needs and value her assets and flaws.

Her determination carried her upstairs to her room where she doffed her dress, took down her hair, and pulled on flannel night clothes, something she rarely wore at Heero?s because he had preferred she sleep in as few clothes as possible and his body had been warm and comfortable enough to tolerate it. The memory of his body curled around hers as they slept brought a thump in her chest and she trembled self-consciously.

Relena picked up a brush from her dresser and began brushing her hair, not caring how it tangled and split and frizzed from the way it was styled earlier. She wanted to be over Heero as quickly as possible. She had started by packing away everything that reminded her of him and now hoped to soon forget he ever existed. Perhaps by tomorrow she would have accepted the end of his presence in her life. By the end of the week she could forget that she had ever loved him, had ever wanted him, that she had wanted to be with him forever.

The furious brush strokes slowed and then stopped.

Now that there was no hope for it, she could admit it to herself what she had wanted deep down. She loved Heero, loved him enough to marry him, had wanted to marry him, had wanted to be with him and hold him close to her forever, to walk with him in the journey of his life and have him beside her for hers. She had had a dream. She had trusted in him. Subconsciously, she had had it all planned out.

Dropping the brush onto the floor, Relena sank to her knees beside her bed and cried in the grief she could not surrender to immediately. She wept without anger or anguish or hatred or anything except sorrow and pity for herself and her loss. She hated Heero, but couldn?t stop thinking about him. She loved him so much, it seared like fire. She had hung all her hopes on him, had felt that she could stop looking and worrying having found him, this person who she felt completed her, complemented her, made her feel that she was worthy and worth something to herself and to the world. God, how she ached! She had been told that break-ups were bad, but she never expected to feel as if her heart had been frozen and blackened and shattered like glass.

When her cries stopped, she found herself staring at the phone. She wanted him to call, she realized. She wanted to call him. Part of her even wanted him back. She wanted to feel his arms around her, to feel the strength and safety of his presence that lent her succor even during her darkest trials. And she hated herself for it. He did not love her, but she feared that she never would realize it, that she would never be able to let him go, that she would always be wishing and waiting for him to come to his senses, take her into his arms, and?.

What had gone wrong that he failed to love her? It had started so well. What had she done wrong? How could she make up for it? He could not have any complaints about the way she had treated him, but was she too nice? Too accommodating? She should have played harder to get, put more effort into her important work to impress him. She should have behaved more like the strong, capable person Heero thought she was as a diplomat and an activist, the dignitary or pacifistic princess he and the rest of the world admired. Maybe it was only that girl that a soldier like Heero could love? But was that who she was? Certainly the public believed so, but she couldn?t believe that it was wholly true, and especially not now. She wasn?t any stronger than the next person, and weaker than some. She cared immensely and worked hard, but that was all. Heero took a lot of the credit others bestowed upon her. And yet, she had been more of a pushover in her relationship with Heero than she had ever been at the office. Had love turned her into a rabbit? It was unconscious if it was true, and a gesture to the strength of her affection. It had bothered her sometimes and it definitely bothered her now, but it bothered her more that he didn?t return the feeling.

She had often wondered what Heero would be like in love. Really in love. She imagined his eyes open windows despite his efforts to retain the mirrored mystery, the crumbling of defenses that couldn?t stand up to the way love undermined walls from the inside. She imagined him turning aside to hide his feelings and yet unable to do so, imagined him reaching out to hold close whoever it was that caught his heart in a snare and held it fast but tender. She could imagine the way love returned to him would cut down the last supports that kept him solitary, would make him feel wanted and needed and trusted and understood and accepted perhaps for the first time in his life.

She wept thinking of it, because she had never wanted anything more in her life, never wanted to give anyone anything so much as she wanted to give Heero the love she felt for him so powerfully that it made her hate him now. But the way it was, he couldn?t understand, accept or experience it. He couldn?t even feel it, because he didn?t love her in return. And all she could think about while she wept was how she wished Heero understood and how terribly used she felt.

And then it came to her that maybe she could wait. She could not be with him, no, it was too painful. It was impossible to be friends with him either, or be around him at all, but maybe she could keep waiting alone, like she always had, and in time, when his life was more settled, perhaps he would come to... She shook her head vigorously, crying and clenching her eyes shut as if to shake down the thought. Maybe it was futile to wish, but at least until something else came along? The truth of the matter was that she didn?t want anyone else.

She welcomed the headache that assaulted her as soon as she couldn?t find breath enough to cry or rage any longer.

The phone did not ring that night. She slept with her ears open anyway, tossing and turning in her dreams as she listened for it, recycling events in a mixture of bitter wishes and soul-sundering nightmares. She never wanted to hear from Heero again, but she half-expected him to call because of the hurt she had seen on his face when she told him to leave her alone for good; she wanted him to call as proof that he couldn?t do that. She wanted to tell him that he couldn?t call. She wanted him to want to!

But the phone didn?t ring. And it didn?t ring the next day either. Or the day after that. Or for the rest of the week. And still she pined, her desire for valediction burning and ebbing in turns until all she wanted was to be able to talk to Heero and explain how she felt one last time, to let loose upon him all of her anger and love and hope and dismay, and yet knowing that she couldn?t, and shouldn?t, do any such thing.


*****


In a twilight morning, the white sickle moon hung in a blue sky bruised black with dark clouds. If Heero had not looked at the clock before he decided to go for a walk, he might have thought it was still evening and that the fever dreams that put a stopper in his sleep had come and gone in the blink of an eye.

He didn?t think there was anything peculiar about walking the streets before sunrise, but he supposed some people would find the silence eerie. Though there were a few runners about at this hour, and though he had done some running himself at first, he was walking this particular street alone, the sweat cooling under his shirt as his mind cleared of its brambled thoughts. Soaking in the solitary silence, he reveled in the pacifying atmosphere. The stars twinkling on the horizon were just beginning to fade as the earth rolled closer to the light of the sun and the pavement felt solid under his old, yellow tennis shoes. The cold air refreshed him even as it bit and stung the bare skin on his arms and legs and neck.

His thoughts wandered to his reasons for walking at this hour as he headed back along the boulevard that led to his home. It was unclear what made it difficult for him to sleep. His dreams had been half-shadowed visions that he forgot as soon as he awoke, but they had awoken him so thoroughly that returning to sleep was impossible. Perhaps he had merely gotten used to having someone in his bed and needed to adjust. Or maybe he was feeling guilty, though he could not fathom why.

It had been over a week since the embassy party and though he had felt conflicted over the end of that evening, he had to accept the situation. Struggling to simultaneously define and smother his feelings for Relena while having to see her every day had been a terrible burden. Even so, when he realized he didn?t love her, he still hadn?t wanted to lose his friendship with her. The support and understanding she offered him was precious, even if he didn?t understand why she offered it. He wished Relena hadn?t rejected his very presence in his life so dramatically and so finally as she had, telling him she hated him and that she didn?t want to see him ever again before running off into the night like she had lost her mind.

He hated her for doing that. It was selfish and rude and made him feel worse for not being able to fix a situation he hadn?t asked for and didn?t want. She had acted like he meant to hurt her. He wished it hadn?t ended that way. Relena meant something to him, and though it wasn?t love, to lose her entirely created a void that he felt even while he slept. He just never expected what it would feel like to lose the last thing he had a personal reason to protect. She told him she didn?t want his protection. Perhaps she didn?t know how much that would hurt and isolate him, but she had expressed quite clearly that she needed to cut him out of her life to save herself. He had to accept that. So regardless of the pain he felt, he suppressed any urge to call her and confuse the matter more. She had told him very specifically that she wanted to be rid of him own so he would let her be.

When Heero arrived on his doorstep, signs of the presence of an unsolicited visitor wiped his thoughts clean of Relena. Instinct trained to recognize when he was not alone made his hackles rise, turning a pacifying atmosphere suddenly hostile. Though the door and windows did not look tampered with, he could feel that someone was in his house that had not been welcomed there. He paused with his hand on the doorknob, withdrawing his gun from where he had tucked it in the waistline of his pants against the small of his back. He thought briefly about entering from a window, but knew his own windows to be locked and censored. Besides, he did not know where the enemy was standing. Windows could be cumbersome entrances, slowing down his ability to move and react.

Hesitation could be deadly. He tested the handle of the door and found it to still be locked, which begged the question of how his uninvited guest had entered the house in the first place. The question needn?t be answered immediately. Standing back, he broke down his own door with a well-aimed, power-punching kick and slid out of the way, his back connecting to the wall adjacent to the door frame as the lock gave and the door swung inward. When no immediate gunfire ensued, he leaped into the doorway with his own gun raised and eyes scanning for enemies.

?What are you doing?? the man in his living room said, as if it was perfectly natural for him to be standing there and strange of Heero to break into his own house for no reason. He was a complete stranger, seemingly on a verge between irritated and surprised.

Dropping the hand that held the gun to his side, Heero entered the house cautiously, keeping his eyes on the other man and shutting the door behind him with his foot to keep out prying eyes and cold air. The fit was a little warped now; he would probably have to have it replaced.

?Who are you?? Heero asked.

It bothered him that he had no idea. He was unaware of any plot against him; indeed, there hadn?t been a whisper about gundam pilots of gundams or his name in particular in a very long time in nay circle he tracked, and he kept very well abreast of those things. What?s more, the man in his living room fit no description he could place. He was roughly forty years old or so, perhaps a little more or a little less, tall and physically fit, with a wary eye and a defensive stance that indicated he had seen conflict of some kind in his life, though whether hand-to-hand fighting, mobile suit fighting, the kind of battles Relena undertook in a council room or something else altogether different was impossible to say. He did not seemed disturbed by Heero?s gun pointing at his head. The fellow had dark brown hair, brown eyes and pleasant facial features, and he wore clothes that looked expensive if unfamiliar and somewhat out of place. A long-sleeved collared shirt, finely woven dress pants, and a fitted vest with a soft silver sheen were partially covered by a long gray overcoat that hung open. The man had his hands in the pockets of his coat and looked genuinely unalarmed confident of the situation. Dressed to attend a business meeting out of town, the stranger seemed to have been waiting for him.

?I?m looking for Mandred.?

So he was here for Mandred. Heero didn?t say anything for a moment, grappling mentally with the situation and trying to wrap his thoughts around it. He wasn?t worried about Mandred?s ability to protect himself, but that didn?t make him less wary of this man who entered a stranger?s house without an invitation. ?Why are you looking for him??

The man scowled and answered with brevity, his tones clipped and unfriendly. ?I?m Ranlath. He knows me. I?m not here to harm him, though may change my mind about harming you if I lose my temper. Must you point that thing at me? It?s distracting.?

Heero lowered the gun, but didn?t relax his eyes or his voice. ?Mandred isn?t here and I don?t know where he is.?

If anything, the man who called himself Ranlath looked more annoyed than before, his eyes matching Heero?s glare for skewering glare. ?No one knows where he is. You are apparently the last person to have seen him.? He looked at Heero as if accusing him of Mandred?s disappearance and demanding that he produce the man immediately. ?I haven?t time to waste searching for him. Do you know where he went or why??

?No.? Heero replied, but a worm of worry made his belly feel cold, enough to make him ask a question in hopes of finding out more about this stranger and his mission. ?How do you know him??

?I?m an old colleague. I?m also a friend of his.?

Looking into this strange man?s face, and despite the hard, unforgiving lines he saw there, Heero believed him. There was a blunt honesty about him and a sense of efficiency in his nature that was unapologetically rude, but it didn?t hold any ill will. It amazed him a little that a man of Mandred?s courtesy would befriend a person such as this, though.

?One moment,? he said.

Leaving Ranlath to stand in the living room, Heero replaced his gun behind his back and headed for the kitchen to search in a drawer by the refrigerator for the number he had of Mandred?s office in the city. It was deeply buried under a pile of inconsequential clutter, but he found it after a few minutes. Returning from the kitchen, he handed his uninvited guest the card. ?He works here, or at least sometimes. I would suggest trying there. I don?t know where he lives.?

The other man took it from him without a word and scanned the address and phone number before handing it back. ?He doesn?t work there anymore. I?ve tried it. I?ve also tried his home, but he doesn?t live there anymore.?

Heero took the card back with surprise. ?What??

The man?s expression named him a fool for not listening the first time. ?I said he doesn?t work there anymore. His office is empty. So is his house. The head of the department told me that he resigned a few days ago. He left no contact information of any kind. You really don?t know where he is??

?No,? Heero replied, hardly hearing what he spoke as he thought. ?He?s engaged to a woman named Immilie. Maybe you can contact her.?

Ranlath looked at him as if looking at a child who gave simple solutions because he didn?t know any better. ?I have. You don?t think I would try her before I tried you? She hasn?t seen him either. Why do you think I came way out here to talk to you??

Heero had nothing to say.

Realizing Heero had no answers, Ranlath swore under his breadth. ?You were the last one,? he said in deep, resounding tones that echoed off the walls like the clang of doom. ?None of Mandred?s other wards have heard from him either. Normally, I wouldn?t bother with it, but I need him for a project I am working on.?

Heero felt hit in the head with a hammer. ?Other wards??

?He was supposed to come to a memorial honoring him for his sacrifice during the war but he didn?t show up to that. I would think nothing of it as I rarely do myself, but Mandred usually does, even if it is painful for him.?

?Sacrifice??

?Immilie is convinced that the memorial and his failure to show up for it are connected. If so, it will be more difficult to find him. I was hoping he was simply involved with something else, you or one of the others perhaps.?

?What sacrifice?? Heero demanded, and felt his stomach clench. ?What other wards??

Ranlath answered negligently, as if rehearsing something everybody knew and was expected to understand. He seemed to like talking, but not to anyone. ?Did you think you were the only one? I don?t know if he does it because he misses his own children, but every once and awhile Mandred will help some young person in a difficult situation for a time. He?s generous that way, more so than I have ever wanted to be, but I suppose it?s therapeutic for him. You are the most recent and with the most tenuous connection to him, but I think he came here last.?

?Mandred has kids??

?Had. He lost his wife and all of his kids in the war. Three sons. Two daughters. A few of them grown with kids of their own. They were murdered because of his involvement, the grandchildren too, leaving him alone and without heirs. It happened a long time ago and he doesn?t like to talk about it, but he will during those memorial speeches, if just to avoid having to hear someone else do it.?

Heero realized he had stopped breathing and his heart gasped for the air to keep beating even as his mind shrank from this information.

?It doesn?t surprise me that you didn?t know,? Ranlath said. ?He doesn?t like to talk about it.? There was no comfort or remorse in his voice, either for Mandred or Heero. He talked like it was old news, stale news, and that this kind of news was to be expected and relied upon if anything was. Heero had heard people talk like that before, people who had lost a great deal or had little to lose, people like himself. He had always thought Mandred had been removed from that sort of feeling and that was why he was so patient and able to listen and ask questions and mediate the way he did. He had never before considered that Mandred had been there and overcome it.

He remembered what he had said to Mandred the last time he had seen him, and was struck with a pang of guilt that he had cared so little that anything he said could hurt an adult or authority figure. He had told Mandred that he couldn?t possibly understand where Heero was coming from or what he had experienced. He had accused Mandred of failing at relationships when he had never inquired if Mandred had had any before Immilie and certainly never considered that the man had had a wife and children at one point in his life, or even wondered why such a kind person was unmarried and without his own children at his age. He had told Mandred to stay out of his life and keep out of his affairs because of a disagreement they had about his choices. Maybe he hadn?t agreed with Mandred, and perhaps he had been angry over things that were not Mandred?s fault, but did any of that justify what he had said or done? Did it justify expelling someone from his presence who cared about him? He hadn?t thought once about Mandred since that night, not seriously, and certainly not with any remorse. Clearly he had thought it was justified. He hadn?t missed Mandred?s interference and thought it ended there. He never considered that Mandred might seek his company for his own sake.

?I don?t know where he is,? Heero said. He struggled between feelings of resentment and horror, resentment because all of this information about Mandred?s family had been kept from him so that he had made such a costly mistake and horror for understanding why such information was not easily shared. ?I didn?t know,? he said quietly. ?I may have said something that hurt him. Immilie may be right.?

Ranlath was silent, looking at him with dark eyes that pierced without warmth or comfort or forgiveness. They cut through flesh and bone to stab his heart and did not seem to care that they were doing it. ?I see,? he said, and strode past Heero toward the door.

Heero didn?t stop him from going. He felt skewered where he stood, and wondered briefly if his own eyes looked like that when people said he shouldn?t glare.

Forcing his legs to move, he sat down on the couch, looking at the closed door Ranlath had left through, the same door Mandred had stormed out of and Relena had run through in a storm of tears?twice.

Was Mandred?s disappearance his fault? He wondered what it would feel like to have someone he cared about like a son or daughter open old wounds without realizing they were doing so and then discard him as if he didn?t matter. Heero wondered how he could have cared so little not to realize that the chill in Mandred?s voice that night was not so much anger as it was carefully controlled pain. He couldn?t imagine how much it would hurt to be accused of hurting someone when you only cared about them and then be hurt so viciously in return. For the first time that he could remember, he felt ashamed. It had never crossed his mind to worry about Mandred?s feelings or experiences. He had assumed he would not feel anything, or would be able to recover quickly at least. Perhaps it was reminiscent of how young people thought adults were supposed to stay strong, strong enough to take any amount of emotional knocks from those who resided under their authority, but it went further than that, he realized; he wasn?t used to worrying about other people?s reactions to things he did and said in general.

?What do I do now?? he whispered.

There was no one to answer back.

He stared at the door awhile longer, rethinking everything from the night he had last seen Mandred, and then realized with a terrible sting that he did know what it felt like to care about someone and have them hate and revile you. Relena. Come to think of it, it had been Relena that he and Mandred had argued about, though his thoughts had been mixed up with more complicated things then.

The war.

It was only with begrudging pain that he could admit that it did still affect him and did so significantly. Maybe it had affected all his relationships in ways he couldn?t entirely understand. What he knew was that he had been careless and driven away everyone who cared about him. Surely his attachment to loneliness and his openly unconcern with others was partly because of his conditioning during the war. And though he didn?t want to lose Relena entirely now, he had to face that it might be because he still needed someone to protect. At heart, he was till a soldier and everything he did and cared about fed back into that mentality. Busying himself with girls, exploring his sexuality, dating Relena, all of that had served to refocus his attention in ways he had needed. He liked having a woman in his life. It was pleasurable and had nothing to do with fighting. Maybe that was all he had wanted out of the relationship, but it was not what Relena had wanted. And he had hurt her because of it.

What did that mean?

For the first time since he had begun to sever all his closest connections, Heero felt the terrible weight and fear of loneliness.

He needed to think.


*****


Bright stage lights blinded Relena?s view of the audience, but with a crowd of over a thousand people and cameras broadcasting worldwide to whoever watched government programming, Relena was just thankful that the spotlight was not on her alone, at least not today. As the youngest member of a guest panel of five prominent, peace-cooperative program leaders, she sat at an honorary but perfunctory place just to the left of Programs Director Tom Avery, a well-known political figure who had recently announced his intention to run for the ESUN presidency next year. He was decent enough for a politician, but like many, he was more selfish than sensitive and prone to assertions and promises made mostly of hot air.

A journalist addressed the panel with a question. ?Is there really no longer a threat of military weapons being commissioned secretly in Space, and does this mean that there will be no further investigations of former military manufacturers??

Avery folded his hands in a calming gesture and addressed the crowd in sure, smooth tones. ?Those with the capabilities of manufacturing weapons will still be kept accountable and routine investigations will continue. What the president has said is that heavy legislation on the production of machinery is halting progress in the economy and must be lightened in these times of peace. Holding onto the expectation of war will breed its continued threat. If people will let go of their fear, I am sure we will find the world cooperative with our ideal.?

Relena remained silent but supportive, aware that there would be eyes that turned to see whether or not she agreed with what Avery had just said. On another day Relena might have wished to hold the floor herself and with it the hearts of the people, but her passions had cooled out of necessity to keep a reign on her emotional outbursts and recently she had felt herself loosing sight of what she had fought so hard for earlier in her career. She had taken a backseat in political affairs in the last year or so, even before she began dating Heero, but that was because things had been relatively peaceful and cooperative enough for her to take a break. Her more significant deterrence occurred as a result of her failed relationship with the one person who had given her strength and purpose in all that she had set out to accomplish with her life. She knew how important it was that she reinstate her position when worries likes these resurfaced in the public, but she didn?t think she had the stamina, not today. Her nerves were as brittle as blown glass. She had cried again this morning. It was all she could do to look composed today. Her strength had gone with Heero.

When a second question was being asked, this time directed more particularly toward one of the other members of the panel, Relena allowed her gaze to stray momentarily to the balconies. Empty.

?The Weapons Disbarment Program has been successful world-wide,? Avery interjected.

?Have the Colonies completely disarmed as well?? a man asked.

?The Colonies are cooperating with the treaties drawn up between Earth and Space,? Avery replied. ?They are subject to the same investigations as the Earth.?

?A question for Vice Minister Darilan,? the voice of another reporter came from the crowd. ?Is there any truth to the rumors that there are still factions that believe peace can not be achieved without force and are willing to use force to prove it??

Relena looked up and the cameras displayed a close up of her face on the monitor, youthful and angelic, seeming to glow under the lights. Her heart was like a block of ice under pressure now, but it didn?t show through on her face. She held onto a serious, but warm expression, necessary considering her age and the tabloid-fueled rumors circulating about her breakdown at the embassy party over unrequited love, and spoke with clear, insightful brevity.

?There is no evidence in any of our investigations that suggest those rumors are true,? she said. ?Though the people of Earth are understandably nervous about being defenseless, our hope in maintaining a peaceful world rests in the endurance of individuals to believe in one another?s good intentions.?

It was perhaps the first thing she had said openly to the public in the weeks following her last public appearance at the embassy. The people in the audience were silent when she spoke, hopeful and encouraging, eyes turning on her as one, listening to her words with a confidence she couldn?t muster in herself even on her best days. Not anymore. But she hid it well. Despite her internal listlessness, she had been a professional machine the last few weeks. Nothing could crack her.

?Miss Darilan,? another reporter chimed in, ?it has been rumored that following the current president?s term you may run for president yourself. I know I personally would feel a lot safer about the peace of the World Nation with you as our emblematic leader. Is there any truth to the rumor that you may run??

Everyone was listening. It was something that had come up before and for some reason did not seem to offend the current administration. Avery may scowl a bit, but then, he would. Despite how she felt, Relena answered with the strength that she knew the public expected of her.

?I have not made any public declaration of running for the presidency,? she said. It was always best to give an ambiguous answer.

She was glad that she couldn?t make out any faces in the audience due to the brightness of the lights.

She knew Heero was not there.

After the press conference ended, Relena avoided additional questions and exited the building as quickly as she could, begging the need to attend to business even though she did not think she could handle going over reports right now. She even fended off Olivia?s attempts to inquire after her health and ask tentatively how she was doing. Relena suspected that the young environmental lobbyist knew she had broken up with her soldier lover and wanted to befriend her, but Relena could not afford sharing her pain with anybody connected to the government who might leak her vulnerability to the public. People knew too much already just from guessing and Olivia had a political agenda in wanting to earn her friendship. Of course, Relena?s refusal to talk to anyone in government effectively cancelled her options to vent with everybody she knew and so the pain in her heart festered.

She really didn?t have any friends.

?Well, well. If it isn?t Relena Darilan.?

Relena turned at the sound of such an impudent hail, but was angrier that she was fighting back tears on government property in broad daylight, the streets swarming with the press, affiliated members and curious civilians. In one of her best suits, white with a blue silk shirt tucked into her skirt and covered by a business coat, she reflected the light and stuck out like a sore thumb on a blistering, sunny day like today.

When she saw who had hailed her, her mouth went dry and what buoyancy remained in her heart deflated into shame.

Wufei Chang sat on one of the thick stone railings that bordered the wide steps leading up to the building. People streamed past around and between them, some giving Relena a curious look of recognition, but she hardly noticed. As much as she wanted to avoid Wufei, she did not believe she could, so she just stood there, waiting for whatever he was about to say and dreading it. She was still raw around the edges; she wanted nothing left then to be poked where she was wounded.

?You don?t look so good,? he said, jumping off the railing and sauntering toward her in civilian clothing of a Chinese cut and traditional style. He was not on duty today apparently; she wasn?t sure if that boded well or ill for her. The lilt in his tone might have been derisive, or merely a casual observation; it was difficult to read his emotions.

She didn?t know what to say. His comment only made her wonder if her pain was obvious to everyone. He obviously knew.

?Wufei Chang?? she began. The last time they spoken, he had belittled her expectations for her romance with Heero, deservedly so, she realized now, though truth didn?t necessarily make his comments to her any less blunt or cruel. Tears stung her eyes as she thought about Wufei being right, and the stupidity of her own mistake. Overwrought, she lowered her head to hide the sudden misting in her vision, pretending to have something stuck in her eye.

It was with surprise and trepidation that she felt Wufei?s hand close over her wrist.

?Come on.?

?Wha??? she protested.

?I?ll take you somewhere.?

That?s how she found herself seated in a Chinese tea house across from a man she had never been friendly with and whom she had little personal interaction. She trusted Wufei after a fashion because he had been a gundam pilot and she heard praiseworthy things about him from time to time through mutual acquaintances, but she was wary of him because he did not like her and had embarrassed and confused her at their last meeting. Still, from what she knew from other sources, Wufei was honorable and responsible and had (or at least desired) a very fixed idea about good and evil and right from wrong. In a way, that resonated with her, though she suspected her and Wufei and had some differing ideas about what was right and what was wrong and what was neither one nor the other. More importantly, he was a private person and very likely strongly opposed to gossip. But before she could decide whether or not to trust him, he decided for her.

?You broke up,? Wufei said when the waitress left them with a kettle and two tiny porcelain cups without handles. Not even having had time to open her mouth, Relena flushed. ?Don?t be embarrassed,? Wufei added wryly, seeing her reaction. ?I just put two and two together. You?re probably aware that there are some rumors, but I haven?t heard anything I would give any real credit to.?

?Why did you bring me here?? she asked. ?To mock me?? She felt cold inside, stifling the pain in her heart with icy indifference so that it wouldn?t leak out her eyes.

?You looked like you needed help,? he answered, and poured her a cup of tea. She watched his face while he did it. It was a kind face in many ways, lacking expression but resonating with a serenity that hadn?t been there during the war. It comforted her to see that kind of calm, though she resented the insinuation that she was weak and needed help. But then, maybe she did. He lifted the kettle and pushed one of the steaming cups her way. ?Don?t start to think I?m particularly sensitive to you,? he added. His tone was not unfriendly, but neither was it particularly warm. ?We don?t know each other well and politicians aren?t my favorite people. I just couldn?t leave a woman in your position crying on the steps. You looked like you were about to drown in something that?s probably been building for awhile and it wasn?t a good time or location for it. Don?t you have anybody to talk to??

Relena?s mute response was probably answer enough. She sat in her chair with her hands folded in her lap and her head down, staring into the steam rising out of her tea cup. Her throat felt too constricted to drink. She felt terrible. And lonely. More so everyday. It was quite a shock, going from seeing somebody nearly everyday to seeing nobody at all. She had no one to talk to; the one person she desperately wanted to call wouldn?t because she had told him not to.

Her face must have looked about to break apart, because the harsh quality of Wufei?s voice dropped to the kind of tone people used when talking to wounded animals. ?Please don?t cry.?

?He hurt me,? she let out, and tears came with it, though she managed to keep the agony from her voice and stopped the flow after the first few fell. She felt so ashamed, crying in a restaurant when he asked her not too, though it was fortunate that the tea shop was arranged in such a way that none of the other patrons could see them. She covered her eyes with one hand and dashed the tears from her cheeks quickly, knowing she must look weak and only able to guess how contemptuous he must be of her. ?I?m sorry. I know how I must seem to you.?

Wufei merely sipped at his tea, averting his eyes from her face until she managed to clear it, as if pretending he did not see and didn?t know what she was talking about.

Relena took a deep breath. ?You were right,? she said with more composure. ?About what you?implied?when we met before. Heero doesn?t love me.? It only hurt a little to say it out loud. ?I must have been a fool to think he did. I just don?t know what I did wrong.?

This time Wufei did look contemptuous, if merely in the curve of his lip. ?You?re a fool only if you think you did something wrong. So he doesn?t love you. I can?t say I?m surprised, but that?s hardly your fault.?

?Oh, it?s not?? she said, and couldn?t keep the sharpness off her tongue just for the cheek of his reply. ?I suppose you know a great deal more about it than I do.? She couldn?t believe that she had thought he was going to be nice to her for a moment!

?I don?t know anything about your relationship,? he replied dismissively. ?But I do know Heero well enough to say that it doesn?t surprise me that he doesn?t love you.?

?Why??

Wufei shook his head. ?I would be surprised if Heero was ready for a committed relationship with anyone. He?s been living on the edge of society since the war ended, sort of hanging on between two worlds, neither able to let go of one nor transition into the other. I know what that?s like because I feel it too. I haven?t seriously dated anyone since the war ended. The difference between me and Heero is that I know what a serious relationship is like and he has no idea.?

Relena took a sip of her tea, grateful for the warm liquid to sooth her nerves. ?When were you in a serious relationship??

?Before the war, I was married.? Wufei smiled at her expression. ?Don?t look so shocked. It?s a custom and I was more or less obligated. I?d rather not go into details if that?s okay with you, but suffice it to say that I knew less about women then and Sally Po will tell you that I don?t know much now, configure that as you may. My wife died because I failed to take her seriously in time to do her any credit.?

Relena did feel shocked, but she kept it out of her face and listened as Wufei sketched a brief, impersonal account about his subsequent reasons for getting involved in the war and his efforts to cope with it now that it was over. As a civilian, it seemed that Wufei had reverted to who he had been before he became a gundam pilot. He was well-educated and had been groomed for leadership and governance of his family affairs growing up, making him somewhat of a snobbish and self righteous scholar, and in the last few years he had returned to that, trading his guns for books except where his work as a Preventor was concerned. He noted that a lot of what he gleaned from literature throughout his education and personal studies in the past had defined his view of the world and polarized his codex of right and wrong, notions that became very confused in a war that seemed to turn any value system on its head and twist morality inside out.

?What made Heero a great soldier,? Wufei continued, segueing smoothly out of his own history and into what was relevant for Relena, ?was that he didn?t adhere to a morality system outside of a soldier?s discipline and objectives. He wasn?t a machine, but he acted like one to the best of his ability. I?m sure he had notions and feelings about what was right and wrong, things that were honorable and not honorable for a soldier to do, but he didn?t name it or categorize it or try to explain it; he just went with whatever felt right in the moment and didn?t look back. The first and foremost thought in Heero?s head has always been that he doesn?t matter, that soldiers are expendable tools, and that the thorough execution of the mission takes priority over everything except where the result makes the objective meaningless. That last part confused him as it did all of us. In the war, people died who no one had any intention of killing and objectives were worked and reworked from so many angles and with so many unpredictable results that it was a struggle for us, the implementers of others? schemes, to maintain a sense of purpose in what we were doing.?

?That was what angered you, wasn?t it?? Relena interjected. ?That the people who schemed were above the implementation of their own ideals and didn?t seem to care who fought and died to bring them about. That is, until Treize died for his own cause.? And then there was she herself, who had talked about peace but left it to others to achieve, a peace that could only be gained at the expense of soldiers who would have nothing left to fight for once it was implemented. She knew that Wufei had resented her for that, but apparently he had forgiven her for it.

?I had my own demons to face there,? Wufei said with a negligent wave of his hand. ?My point is that Heero has conditioned himself as a soldier all his life and doesn?t have a civilian identity to return to, except as a wayfarer. Most men are glad to leave that part of their lives with the dead and go home as the people they really are, or who they used to be before they were trained to kill with guns. Heero doesn?t know how to do that. He doesn?t want to fight anymore, but carving out a new identity is going to take more than a girlfriend.?

Relena knew all that Wufei had said about Heero and the hardships he now faced because of his past. She often thought about it. ?So you think Heero doesn?t love me because he isn?t ready? Because of the war?? She bit her lip, staring into the swirling eddies of her tea. ?I asked him about that, and he said that wasn?t it, but if what you say is true, then maybe with time??

?No.?

Relena released her cup, eyebrows knitting in consternation. ?I don?t understand. What then are you trying to tell me??

?I said that Heero wasn?t ready for a relationship,? Wufei told her. ?Not loving someone and not being ready for a relationship are different things, unless he lied about one because of the other, but I can?t see Heero doing that in this situation. It wouldn?t be logical. He wouldn?t have anything to gain by it.?

?Then are you saying Heero is incapable of love? I don?t believe that.?

?No,? Wufei said. ?I?m saying he?s not likely to try and love anyone to make a relationship work or think about doing so. It?s possible for any man in any situation to fall in love and make it work if the feeling is true enough and he wants it badly enough, but from the way things seem to have gone between you and Heero, that is not the case here.?

Relena leaned against her hand, closing her eyes to slow the dizzying confusion in her head. ?Then what am I to do??

Wufei looked surprised. ?Do? Nothing. Forget about him.?

Relena felt her stomach give a tremulous lurch. She had had the same thought numerous times, but hearing Wufei suggest it so casually made her feel like she had swallowed her heart. ?I can?t,? she said. ?I?ve tried. ?I?m trying so hard to forget him, but I?? She remembered the hours she spent starring at nothing, thinking nothing, writing nonsense in her journal in a vain attempt to wipe him clean from her thoughts. ?I find myself thinking that someday he might realize??

If she had doubt that there was contempt in Wufei?s voice before, she didn?t now. ?Don?t be stupid. You can?t wait. You?ll just be wasting your time.?

?But I know Heero...?

?Stop,? Wufei said sharply, and she clicked her teeth shut. ?You told me Heero doesn?t love you. He never did. He doesn?t now. He?s probably not going to. In any case, it would be weak and foolish to wait for him. He doesn?t want you.?

?But all that we?ve been through?? she persisted.

?He?s just not that into you.? Wufei repeated the verdict as if she hadn?t made a protest.

Relena couldn?t believe it. ?During and after the war he protected me, fought for me, believed in me??

Wufei leaned forward, one elbow on the table. ?Relena. Listen to me: He?s not that into you. Not the way you want. If he was, you would know it. You wouldn?t have doubts. It would be everything you wanted; if he really wanted it, Heero would be as thorough about romancing a girl as anything else he?s done. I?m sure he cares about you and I know he believes what you believe in and certainly the history the two of you share affects your lives and your relationship, but he doesn?t feel what you feel. He?s not going to be spending his time right now thinking about being your boyfriend and having regrets about what might have been. For one thing, Heero doesn?t think like that. If he doesn?t love you, he doesn?t love you. He?s tried it and it?s obviously not what he wants at this time or you would have heard from him already. Whatever he does now is none of your business. Let him go. Don?t wait.?

Relena struggled against the harsh clarity of Wufei?s reasoning, fidgeting in her seat and clenching her hand around the tea cup until she was afraid she might break or spill it.

?Why?? she demanded, and trembled with the ferocity of an irrational sentiment, banging a fist against the table and struggling to smother the volume of her outburst. She closed her eyes to fight the emotional storm. ?Why doesn?t he suffer more? Why do I have to feel all the pain? I can?t think without him. I can?t sleep at night and I feel like I?m in a dream when I?m awake. My life seems to have no meaning. I hate him and I love him and I can?t stand it! I feel so wronged by everything that has happened, the way my feelings were treated. Surely, he?s entitled to feeling some remorse! If he understood how much I love him?? She had to stop and cover her eyes to hide the tears. ?Why do I still want to see him so much??

Wufei looked at her with sympathy but voiced no answers. He had listened and told her what he had wanted to say, which was to forget Heero and move on. Looking across the table, Relena wanted to believe that he was right and that it would be a simple mental adjustment on her part to do that, but she found it difficult to even entertain the idea. No matter what the outside world observed or even if she thought the outside perspective was right, she couldn?t banish the feelings and confusions that kept a part of her tethered to Heero?s heart. She loved him and that love simply would not die.

The pity in Wufei?s eyes might have been contemptuous; it was hard to tell. ?You?re going to do what you?re going to do,? he said at last. ?I?m just trying to offer you some perspective. I know from my own experiences that sometimes it takes running a mistake into the ground before you can let it go. So if you have to do that to get over Heero, then do it and be done with it.?

The cup of tea was almost gone and the porcelain was no longer warm. She shivered in her seat. ?I told him I never wanted to speak to him again,? she said wearily. ?I told him I hated him, that I didn?t want his protection even if my life was in danger. I?m not afraid to die. I?m not afraid of anything so much as I?m afraid of what Heero does to my heart.?

Wufei looked at her silently for a moment. ?You?re a strong woman in a lot of ways,? he said finally, ?though not in the ways I?m used to thinking. You?re not a warrior for the battlefields I?ve fought in, but I?ve been following your political proposals and I have to admit that you fight hard and you fight fair. You have a good handle on the human condition. Maybe your sensitivity helps with that. I?ll let you know that my motivation in giving you all advice is selfish, but I?ll let you know what I think. You seem to have some unresolved issues with Heero, but you need to get over it. You need to so you can rely on your own strength and integrity. If you can manage to do that, you might be able to use your influence to do some good in the world.?

Relena was momentarily struck speechless.

?You really told Heero not to come near you even to protect your life?? Wufei asked when she did not respond.

?Yes,? she said bitterly. ?And I meant it. I still find myself wishing he would call and I miss him terribly, but even with that, I meant it.? She sighed. ?There?s just a lot I haven?t told him and I wish I could. I realize the contradictions are baffling. I don?t know what that makes me.?

?Do you think he would really stay away if your life was in danger?? Wufei frowned. ?I can?t see him doing that.?

?I don?t know,? she replied. ?It was probably cruel of me to even ask it of him. He would probably never forgive himself if something happened to me, but I did mean it. I want him back and I want him to love me, but if I can?t have that, then I never want to see him again. He doesn?t understand how much it hurts to be around him knowing he doesn?t care for the way I feel.?

Wufei grunted and poured her a new cup of tea, muttering that maybe brandy would have been better. She smiled at him, but even the warm porcelain between her hands couldn?t heat the chill that spread throughout her body from the cavity in her heart.


*****


Heero didn?t tell Duo why he called on him to come down and deliver some packages personally. He just let the other pilot guess.

?So you?re back in the surveillance business, huh?? Duo asked, trying to get Heero to give him some answers. ?Are you working secretly for the Preventors?? He flipped one package over and looked at the label before tossing it into his truck. ?Who do you know in Bremen?? There was a Space Port in Bremen, but Heero didn?t tell Duo that.

?I?ll need you to come back again sometime for some heavier things,? Heero said.

Duo shrugged and patted the door of his truck. ?Sure. No problem. Just give me a call. I?ll be back in town again on and off over the next few months.? As he made to open the door and climb in, Heero stopped him with a pointed question.

?Are you going to marry Hilde?? Heero asked.

Duo tipped his cap back. ?What??

?Are you going to marry Hilde??

?Well?um, I don?t know. Probably. I mean I want to, but it?s not a good idea right now financially?? He paused, his wide eyes blinking in confusion. ?Where the hell did that come from??

?How do you know you want to marry her??

?I don?t know. I just know. That?s a weird question, Heero. I guess I imagine my life with her as my wife and I like it. Why? Are you going to marry Relena??

?No. We?re not together anymore.?

Duo closed the door of the truck slowly. ?What happened??

?We broke up.?

He was still conflicted about what he was feeling, but hadn?t decided what to do about it. He didn?t miss her, not as a girlfriend, but sometimes he felt a chill pass through him when he thought of her, especially when he thought of the tears on her cheeks and the harsh way she had told him to leave me alone. Don?t protect her. Don?t call. He wished she hadn?t said any of that.

?I hurt her,? he confessed. ?I didn?t mean to.?

?Well,? Duo paused, floundering for a minute. ?I?m sorry, man. I don?t know what to say. I guess maybe it just wasn?t meant to be. Do you miss her??

?Not really. Sometimes.?

He didn?t know for sure. Now that she was gone and had made it explicitly clear that she did not want to see him again, he found himself adrift without an anchor. He knew he hadn?t wanted to be tied down to Relena, hadn?t wanted to love her or have her as a girlfriend. He knew he had been suffocating with her, pulled under by the expectations she had for him that he sensed even if she never said it. But wanting to be free was not the same as wanting to be entirely cut off. Now that he was truly on his own, he realized that he not been entirely honest when he told Relena he didn?t love her. The part of him that sought solace in her from his memories of war, the part of him that believed in what she stood for, and took honor in being her protector, cared about her in a way that was deep and lasting and beyond mere interest or attraction. Now that there were no expectations, when no one else was around to hear it, he could call it love, but he also knew that it wasn?t the love she wanted from him.

?Well, let me know if you need anything else,? Duo said awkwardly. He was filling out the forms of transaction, passing them over to Heero for a signature. ?You know, it?s good seeing you, even if it?s for business.?

?Likewise,? Heero said, handing back the clipboard.

Duo smiled, looking a little surprised and genuinely pleased. ?Thanks, Heero, you know, for the business. I?d stay around longer to catch up and stuff, but I have a flight to catch back to the Colonies and if I miss it there will be hell to pay at home.? He laughed. ?You know, Hilde doesn?t like being alone any longer than necessary. She misses me and it gets lonely. I?ve been thinking about getting her a cat or a dog or something at least. When I can afford it anyway.?

?Maybe both.?

Duo grinned uneasily, as if not sure how to take that. Heero didn?t bother to elaborate.

?Best of luck with everything,? Duo said as he climbed into his truck.

Heero nodded silently as Duo gave him a wave and watched the other ex-pilot drive away from his doorstep. The sun hunkered down on the edge of the backdrop, framing the form of the departing truck in a burst of ruddy fire. As Duo drove away, Heero was left alone in a golden world fading slowly into darkness.

Going inside, he stood at the window and watched until a blanket of night swallowed the last light of the sun. He didn?t know what he was thinking, but it was dark and forbid any kind of disturbing movement. He felt like a pond at midnight, dreading the stone that caused the mirrored surface to ripple. Even Ted seemed to sense his mood, lying still as death in front of the door. The chill in Heero?s bones felt heavy. Seeing Duo had made him feel less alone for a moment, but it did not make him feel better about his place in the world or the bleakness of the future.

Heero still had not heard from Mandred, and wondered if Ranlath had found him or if he would ever hear from him again. He wondered if he was all right.

He wanted to talk to someone.

Just as he found himself contemplating the phone, not sure who he would call, he was caught by an urgent beep coming from his laptop. Blinking, he crossed the room to open the lid and accept the connection request for a live sound feed without video.

?Heero??

?Trowa,? Heero confirmed. The voice was unmistakable.

?Hey, I heard about Relena. I?m sorry.?

The public knowledge on top of his own feelings of uncertainty brought a swift pang to his heart. He wondered how Trowa had heard, but not very hard. It wasn?t important. ?It?s fine,? he said.

?Good. I wasn?t going to ask if it was too complicated, but we have a situation here.?

His heart jumped and his mouth dried out, the tenseness in his shoulders doubling. ?Something to do with Relena??

?We?re not sure of the objectives yet. It may not accumulate into anything at all, but if it does, and she?s in any danger? well we can send someone else down there, but I wanted to ask you about it first. You?re the obvious person.?

Relena had told him not to protect her anymore; that she didn?t care if she died as long as he stayed away. Did she mean it? Could he really stay away if she was in peril, regardless of what she said?

Perhaps this was the test. He could take her telling him she hated him, but he would protect her at all costs. Grimacing, he made his voice hard, dark and still as his vision of that undisturbed pool. Professional. This was business.

?What do you need me to do??



TBC

[The Engrish Spy]

THANK YOU ZAP for the early christmas present. It's a great chapter and I can't wait to see where it will go from here.

And Wu Fei and the "He's just not that in to you" comment was priceless. I had to stiffle my laughs for my sister who is sleeping in the next room.

Thanks again.

Engrish Spy

[GM1]

*sniff* Oh my heart just sqeezes itself to death everytime I read a chapter of this!

It is so true how time and circumstance are so important. Two people can meet who could be very right for each other. Yet if it's the wrong time or the situation is bad, things almost always end sourly.

Heero is a character in this story who you both get angry at and feel sorry for at the same time. Sounds like he's finally realizing that he needs to spend some time thinking about what he wants in life before he acts on his emotions... Things can go downhill pretty fast if you don't pay attention.

And Relena...is just tragic! Drat that little spark of hope that keeps you holding on thinking that if you let time pass, things will suddenly change and everything will be the way you dreamt it would be. Sadly, only time cures that.

Excellent!!! Zap you amaze me everytime! Please keep on going!!

[bluefire]

Thank you so much. I've been wishing to read your next installment since chapter 22. Today my wish just came true. This is so realistic that I can actually feel Relena's pain and suffering. Though in reality, it is very likely that Relena may never have Heero's love, I hope this story ends with a happy ending.

[Morrighan]

I gotta say that now I love Wufei more than I used to. You've done an excellent job characterizing him in this chapter. Thank goodness for a voice of reason.

Heero REALLY needs to figure himself out. *shakes head* I swear...

Can't wait to see more!!

[Leia Avenrose]

*eagerly awaits more and applauds* Bravo. Now I just have to go and start from chapter one... *goes on a mad BI search*

[ealpha_scorpio]

Well, I think is much better to leave a review here for this chapter. This is gonna be a real aportunity for Heero to analyze eveything. Everything in this chapter felt so real and I'm glad that Heero had a second thought about Mandrad. He was making me mad by his behavior. Chapter 22 made me really cry...
And oh I'm really starting to like Wufi... Hope thing get better in next chapter... And to say the whole story is WONDERFUL.

P.S: Can I ask you something????? I know is redicules but is she pregnant? You know I was reading the chapter 22nd AGIAN (!) and this thought just crossed my mind. You mentiond about her sikeness about few times.

[zapenstap]

I know is redicules but is she pregnant?

Emotions are making Relena feel sick. She is not pregnant. That's too much drama, even for me! It is /possible/ that she could get pregnant even though she was on BC, but that would be a whole new approach to things and I'm intending to end this in a chapter or two. So no, Relena is not pregnant. Thanks for reading!

[Kari]

I have a stupid question. Does Heero love Relena??? I know he's confused right now or will that be resolved in other chapters??
Zap BTW I love the story.

[zapenstap]

I have a stupid question. Does Heero love Relena??? I know he's confused right now or will that be resolved in other chapters??

Erm, i'm not going to answer that one. lol. it's kind of the conflict in the story!