Hearts

[Little Green Miko]

Hearts

Disclaimer: I ain?t sayin? any more than that.

A.N.: This is something I did at 2 am in the morning when I was bored out of my head. It's kind of in a play-like format. I hope you guys think it's funny. ^^

It started out pretty dull. Kagome shuffled the cards as Miroku tried to get Sango and Inuyasha to wager things on the game. Needless to say he was failing to get too far.

Kagome: All right everyone, saddle up. I'm dealing now!

Inuyasha: This is stupid...

Kagome: I didn't hear any better ideas coming from the peanut gallery.

Inuyasha: Keh!

Sango: Right-um-how do we play this again?

Miroku: I'll teach you Sango, don't worry!

Sango: No, that's quite all right! The last thing I need is to be taught by you Houshi-sama, thank you.

Kagome: The rules are kind of complex, you have to actually play it a couple times to really understand it. ::deals::

Sango: I'll take your word for it, Kagome-chan.

Kagome: Good. Are we ready?

Inuyasha: Keh, this better be good.

They all picked up their cards. Kagome glanced at hers. Her hand wasn't too bad. She passed off a Jack of Hearts, an Ace of Diamonds and a King of Clubs off to Inuyasha, and everyone else passed off their three and the game began.

Inuyasha: Hey! I don't want all these cards!

Kagome: Too bad, you lost that lot. Their yours.

Miroku: Hey, just be glad there were no hearts in it!

Sango:...Or the Queen of Spades. ::places down a seven of spades::

Miroku: Trumps...

Kagome: Mm, and mine just took that lot...lesse now...Four of Diamonds ought to do it.

Inuyasha: Ha! Miroku took that round!

Miroku: All with good face. Still had no hearts in it.

Sango: Or none as of yet.

Miroku: ...Eh heh...You are so sure I'm going to lose aren't you Sango?

Sango: One hundred percent.

Inuyasha: Keh...Damn it!

Kagome: Settle Inuyasha, there were still no hearts in that!

Inuyasha: Hmph!

Kagome: Oh rats! I got the Queen of Spades!

Sango: I'm sorry Kagome-chan, it was the only spade I had left.

Kagome: It's all right Sango-chan.

Miroku: I'd blame it on Inuyasha. He put down the suit.

Inuyasha: Huh?! What?! Oi, Bozou, don't go fobbing off Kagome's loss on me!

Miroku: But it was you who put the suit down was it not? ::tosses down a Two of Diamonds after loosing the last round::

Inuyasha: What the fuck! How the hell was I supposed to know Kagome had a King in her hand?!

Miroku: It's elementry my dear Hanyou. Cheat.

Inuyasha: EXCUSE ME?!

Sango: Houshi-sama, stop baiting him!

Kagome: Miroku-sama! How could you?!

Miroku: Your lot Inuyasha.

Inuyasha: ::growls, takes the cards and tosses in a Nine of Clubs.::

Sango: Houshi-sama, really! I knew you were corrupt-but suggesting cheating? Where is your head?! ::picks up the next round and tosses out a Queen of Diamonds::

Miroku: The saying goes: "Win if you can, lose if you must, but always cheat," I do believe.

Inuyasha: You make me sick Miroku.

Sango: Oh fuzz-balls...I get the first heart of the game.

Kagome: Yea, but your still ahead of me!

Miroku: Four points to me...but I'm still in the running.

Kagome: You shouldn't be...Kyaa! Two more points! That makes fifteen! This game isn't going to me.

Inuyasha: Or the Bozou. Four more points to him!

Sango: He'll lose this whole thing yet, I'm telling you.

Miroku: Wanna bet?

Sango: I already said my clothes were staying ON Houshi-sama!

Miroku: But it would just make it that much more interesting!

Sango: NO MEANS NO!

Inuyasha: Hey-wait-I have no hearts...that means I won....I won?-I won! I WON! HAHA! TAKE THAT YOU DUMB MONK! I won and I didn't cheat! So HA! HA! HAHA!

Kagome: Inuyasha...don't get overblown about this. The game's not over yet.

Sango: Yea, it's over when someone reaches one-hundred points.

Kagome: Aa! See Sango? You are catching on!

Sango: I guess I am.

Miroku: Keh...

Inuyasha: But I have NO points. Zero, zippo, natta. Means I won, doesn't it? Kagome? Ne? Ne?

Kagome: Yes, but only for this round. As Sango-chan said: "It's over when someone reaches one-hundred points."

Inuyasha: Keh! I'll win this then. Beat that monk without cheating and prove that I didn't pull a fast one on Kagome! Hmph!

So ended round one of the Hearts game. Inuyasha is all fired up, Miroku still without a bet Sango beginning to understand the rules, and Kagome with the deck back in her hands for the shuffling. Kagome deals again and glances at her hand. She tosses a King and Ace of hearts over to Inuyasha along with a Seven of Diamonds. She bites her lip when Miroku hands her his three discards with a wicked smile.

Kagome: Oh you're just loving to gloat, aren't you?

Miroku: You bet. Your move.

Kagome: ::grumbles something incoherent and tosses a Nine of Clubs down::

Inuyasha: ::takes that bunch and throws out a Two of Spades:: Miroku...

Miroku: I did nothing! I swear it on my honor as a monk!

Sango: As if that's worth kidney beans...

Miroku: Hey, I haven't cheated!

Inuyasha: Yet.

Miroku: I won't! ::takes the next hand and throws out an Eight of Spades::

Kagome: Huh! ::takes the lot with the Ace of Spades::

Sango: He'll lose even if he cheats anyway! We'll catch him!

Miroku: ::takes the next lot:: No trust around here! None at all! ::throws down a Three of Clubs::

Inuyasha: You haven't given us reason to trust you.

Sango: ::takes the lot and throws out a Five of Spades:: Too true, too true.

Miroku: No love in the room either! What gives? Can't you give a guy a break? ::puts the Ace of Hearts down::

Kagome: How can we give a guy who suggested that one of us cheat a break? I mean come on!

Inuyasha: AHH! I Got a heart! Damn you Miroku! I'll get you back for that!

Sango: Humph! No need. He's going to lose this one with all hearts in his hand!

Miroku: You know, you all bite. ::throws a Four of Diamonds::

Kagome: You brought it on yourself. ::takes the four diamond cards and places down the Four of Clubs::

Inuyasha: Hell yea. Serves you damn right! Just take the hearts and deal with it!

Sango: I told you, he's going to lose!

Miroku: Is the world against me?! ::takes the cards and sets down the Seven of Diamonds::

Kagome: ::grins:: Apparently for this game, yes it is. Take back your Queen of Spades!

Inuyasha: And a heart too!

Sango: He's gonna loo-oose, he's gonna loo-oose.

Miroku: I guess it's a good thing I didn't make a wager.

Sango:...Yea...real pity...you'd be loosing your clothes right now...

Inuyasha: ::gives Sango a funny look as he tosses his heart and Miroku takes the lot::

Miroku: Oh? Would you like me to remove my garments anyhow? ::takes the next lot too::

Sango: ::blushes deeply:: Wh-what?! N-no! I never said that! I never said a word like it!

Kagome: ::nudges Inuyasha as the last cards to the round are played:: I think Miroku-sama's gonna play to lose now!

Inuyasha: He does that I'll beat him within an inch of his life. ::throws his last card.::

Miroku: Well! It appears this game also goes to Inuyasha! As I have thirty-five points now...::looks at Sango as Kagome recollects the cards:: You sure you don't want me to strip for my losses?

Sango: G-Gods yes I'm sure! I won this one too by the way...Inuyasha and I are tied.

Kagome: ::sigh:: Stuck in third place. Bummer.

Miroku: Yes, bummer...you know if Inuyasha hadn't gotten that first heart I would have shot the moon, and you'd all have been screwed?

Inuyasha: ...Don't make me glad I got it monk...

End of the second round, come and gone. Miroku is pondering Sango's outburst, while Sango is berating herself for even thinking that. Kagome is shuffling the cards with an indulgent and curious air while Inuyasha stews on his single point and dickers with himself whether it was worth getting to foil the Houshi from his Shooting the Moon. Kagome deals the next set and rids herself of the all three diamonds she has.

Kagome: Ohh you! You did it again! But this time worse!

Miroku: ::gives her a cheesy grin:: That's the way the game's played, love. You should know.

Inuyasha: What was that, Bozou?!

Miroku: Uh-nothing. I didn't call her a thing!

Inuyasha: Got that straight...

Sango: Quit it you two. Houshi-sama, your lot.

Miroku: ::sigh:: Aa, yes. So it is. This isn't going the way I had hoped.

Kagome: And how was that? ::takes the set and throws in the Five of Clubs::

Inuyasha: You winning? No, sure as hell isn't! Which is good for you.

Sango: ::takes this round coughs up the Two of Spades:: I think he was leaning more towards the offage of clothing.

Kagome: Miroku-sama...! ::takes the next and lands down the Seven of Clubs::

Miroku: I was thinking no such thing!

Inuyasha: Bullshit. ::takes that set and throws down the Three of Diamonds::

Kagome: Wrong game, Inuyasha.

Inuyasha: No I meant Miroku-...wha..?! No way! Now *this* is bullshit! Who the fuck had the Queen of Spades?!

Kagome: ...::hums a little and looks the other way::

Inuyasha: It was you wasn't it Miroku?! Bastard! You did it to me again!

Miroku: Who-what-me? Not I, I assure you! I started with it but I handed it off.

Sango: Can we trust your word?

Miroku: On this you can! I did not have the Queen of Spades! I handed it off.

Inuyasha: ::looks at Kagome who is still humming and looking away. Snarls:: Bitch. I'll get you back.

Kagome: In your dreams puppy-boy!

Inuyasha: Puppy-boy?!

Miroku: Ah damn.

Sango: Heh, would you look at that? Another four points to Houshi-sama. You are soo going to lose.

Miroku: ::tosses down the Queen of Hearts after Sango takes the set after the four hearts:: A~nd do I get anything special if I do? ::wiggles his eyebrows::

Inuyasha: Yea, a kick in the ass if you lose on purpose!

Kagome: Oh dear...::takes that hand and quietly marks another point for her, placing down the Three of Hearts::

Sango: Oh fudge! Well, we know no one's shooting the moon this round!

Miroku: ::snuffs Inuyasha, and says to both him and Sango:: We can all still try.

Sango: Says you...I know I'm not going too and I just took two more hearts! ::slaps down the Eight of Diamonds::

Inuyasha: Yea, and the monk just took the heart that went on the table. How about that?

Miroku: Yes...How about that?

Sango: Just proves my point that he'll lose.

Kagome: Sango-chan is so right. ::places her last card down::

Miroku: Yea, I am loosing aren't I? Forty-one to six...held by the lovely Sango no less! At least now I'm loosing completely to her.

Inuyasha: WHAT?! ::glares at Kagome:: I would have been ahead if you hadn't put down that Queen of Spades! What the fuck! I don't wanna play any more!

Kagome: Oh Inuyasha, quit being such a sore loser!

Inuyasha: I am *not* a sore loser!

Kagome: Prove me wrong then and keep playing! You never know, you might just buck yourself back up to first.

Sango: Ha, not if I can help it. I'm going to keep this place and beat the hell out of Houshi-sama!

Miroku: Oh yea...beat me hard...

Kagome/Sango: Miroku/Houshi-Sama!

Inuyasha: Fine! Fine! I will! I'll win this game yet and prove I'm no sore loser! Hell I'll prove I'm not a loser at all! I'll whip all of you! DEAL wench!

Third round comes to a close with Inuyasha having found new resolve to beat the living hell out of his fellow card players, Miroku having an absolute time and a half teasing Sango and Kagome fearing for her cards' life because soon it seems someone will lose it and rip them to shreds. She deals and checks her hand. This round no one can discard however, and she finds she is stuck with the Queen of Spades once again.

Miroku: Looks as if I go first. ::places down the Duce of Clubs and waits for Kagome to choose::

Kagome: Yea, yea...I'm going. ::drops in the Eight of Clubs and it goes to Inuyasha, then to Sango::

Sango: My steal. Lovely. ::places down the Two of Spades::

Inuyasha: ::yawns::

Kagome: Inuyasha-get a hold of yourself! We haven't even gone three turns yet!

Inuyasha: Keh!

Kagome:...I hope I don't keep taking them.

Sango: Don't worry, none have been bad takes yet.

Miroku: Ooohoo yes, but watch out!

Inuyasha:...::sits up straighter:: You bloody prick! You gave me that heart on purpose!

Miroku: Now, now. I did not.

Inuyasha: Don't fucking lie to me! I'm gonna beat the shit out of you! You watch!

Miroku: Yep, I'm watching. Watching you all beat me.

Sango: ::takes three hearts and the King of Spades into her hand:: I predicted he'd lose, didn't I?

Miroku: You keep stressing that point, Sango my dear, and unless your going to do something because of my incessant losing I really wish you'd stop.

Kagome: Miroku-sama...

Sango: Well I might lose this one if this keeps up...::takes more hearts and puts down the Nine of Spades::

Inuyasha: Good, means I'll be back in first place. And this time I'll keep it!

Kagome: Inuyasha!

Miroku: Well aren't we high and mighty?

Inuyasha: You bet I am!

Kagome: Aaa man! A heart and the Queen of Spades right back in my face...what are the odds?

Inuyasha: HA! See? Told you I'd get you back.

Miroku: Inuyasha, that's not a very wise thing to say to Kagome-sama.

Inuyasha: ::blinks, sweatdrops, and gulps looking at Kagome pensively::

Sango: ::snickers::

Kagome: ::takes a far too nonchalant air and drops the Eight of Diamonds:: That's quite all right Miroku-sama,

Inuyasha: ::exhales in relief::

Kagome: I'll just "slam" him if he does it again.

Inuyasha: Erk!

Sango/Miroku: ::exchange looks, Miroku takes the set and puts down the Three of Diamonds::

Kagome: ::takes the diamond quartet:: Down to nothin' but hearts...This is gonna bite.

Sango: Or maybe it'll bite Inuyasha instead. ::smirks, looking at the hanyou sideways::

Inuyasha: ....Shut up. ::takes the hearts on the table and puts down the Two of Diamonds::

Miroku: That one sucked for me! And I bet this one will too. ::places down the Six of Diamonds::

Inuyasha: Uno! I have one card left, I win!

Kagome: ::sighs:: Wrong game again Inuyasha.

Inuyasha: ....Right. I knew that. ::drops his last card on the pile::

Kagome: Still in third...I'll never break out!

Sango: Bonzai! Still first place! In your face Inuyasha! I still hold the ranking title!

Inuyasha: ::growls and grumbles obscenities under his breath::

Miroku: And as ever I'm still losing miserably.

Sango: Yes, yes you are. And you'll continue to do so, because you are a cad and the gods know it.

Miroku: Sango! I'm deeply hurt! Buddha would never look disfavorably upon one of his own!

Sango: Suck it up Houshi-sama. You're one in a million.

Kagome: ::blinks, nudges Inuyasha again as she takes the cards:: Do you think winning is going to Sango-chan's head a bit?

Inuyasha: ::looks sideways at her::...Who knows? Who cares? I'm going to beat her ass at this, so it doesn't matter!

Kagome:...Okay then. ::doesn't believe him::

As fourth round comes to a close, Kagome has the fear that Inuyasha will go insane with the need to win, Sango will go insane if she keeps up her winning streak and Miroku will go insane if he continues to lose with nothing to gain from it. She shuffles the cards and redeals, taking a gander at what she has and forking over two kings and an ace to the hanyou next-door and awaiting the bombshell from Miroku.

Inuyasha: I will beat her, I will beat her I will, I will, I will...

Kagome: Calm down Inuyasha! We haven't reached near the end yet.

Sango: Nyah, nyah. I'll beat you, I'll beat you, I will, I will, I will.

Kagome:...She's getting just as bad.

Miroku: ::Sighs:: Who has the Two of Spades?

Sango: Not me.

Inuyasha: Grr...

Kagome: ::tosses down.:: This is getting awfully competitive.

Inuyasha: Didn't want these cards.

Sango: To bad, they yours!

Miroku: They didn't have hearts or the trump, stop bitching.

Inuyasha: OI! Who are you calling a bitch?!

Miroku: ::looks offended again:: Why, no one!

Inuyasha: Yeah, sure. I've got my ears and eyes on you monk.

Miroku: Hmph.

Kagome: This is getting no where fast...

Sango: What are you talking about? I'm winning here! ::throws down a Three of Clubs::

Kagome: Actually-that's part of what I mean...::puts down a Four::

Sango: What? You mean you want Houshi-sama to win? And Inuyasha too? ::eyes the two of them:: That wouldn't be good for their egos...

Inuyasha: Who are you to say I have an ego Sango?! I'm just gonna whip you back.

Miroku: I do believe, that is what she was referring too, Inuyasha.

Inuyasha: What do you know Monk? Your loosing!

Miroku: Yes, yes I am. I've come to terms with that, you on the other hand...

Inuyasha: YOU WANNA MAKE SOMETHING OF IT?!

Kagome: Inu-ya~a-sha...

Inuyasha: ::sweatdrops, looks off and takes the next hand:: Keh!

Miroku: If you ask me, I think it's pretty sad.

Sango: What that your loosing?

Miroku: ::looks at her sideways with a gleam in his eye:: Not quite.

Sango: Houshiii-saaamaaaa...stop looking at me like that!

Miroku: Like what Sango my dear?

Inuyasha: Don't even think about it Bouzu.

Miroku: Think about what? ::innocent face::

Kagome: You know perfectly well what, Miroku-sama. Now quit it.

Miroku: You all hate me!

Sango: AAHH! I got the Queen of Spades!

Inuyasha: HA! It's all over for you now!!

Kagome: Not yet...

Inuyasha: Yes yet! I'ma gonna beat her this round! I will! You watch! I'll be back on top!

Kagome: ::sighs:: I am so sucking at this round....Oi, see? Still in third place!

Miroku: Looks like you and I are just losers Kagome-sama...::pats her back and inches lower:: Let's be losers together...

Kagome: EEeeYYAAAA!! MIROKU-SAMA~~A!!

Inuyasha: BOUZU!! ::growls really loudly and stands up slamming his fists on the table making the cards jump and glaring right at Miroku::

Miroku: Maa, maa, calm down Inuyasha. I was merely showing my condolences to Kagome-sama for being in third place...

Sango: Yea, right. ::flicks the two loosing cards she'd gained in the round down while leaning her chin on her hand:: Condolences to her when your still outright last?

Inuyasha: ::growls louder::

Miroku: I was showing my support! ::sweatdrops:: Seeing as I know first hand what it feels like! Heh, heh, heh...::pulls at his collar:: You...don't believe me, do you?

Sango/Inuyasha/Kagome: NO!

Miroku: Eep...::puts up his hands::

Sesshoumaru: ::comes in out of no where and looks down at the group with a condescending eye:: What in Inutaishou's name are you doing out here?

Kagome: Kyaa! Sesshoumaru! ::leaps behind Inuyasha::

Miroku: ::looks up:: Sesshoumaru! ::whips around::

Sango: Sesshoumaru! ::reaches for the Hiraikotsu::

Inuyasha: Sesshoumaru! ::growls again, placing a hand out to hide Kagome:: What are YOU doing here? And what do you want?!

Sesshoumaru: ::blinks looking quite calm:: I was asking you the same question hanyou...But since your being a snot, I'm here because this is my territory and you were making such an awful racket with whatever you are doing that you're keeping Rin awake and thus driving me insane! So SHUT UP!

Kagome: It was only a game of cards...

Sesshoumaru: Oh, was that all it was? ::looks at the cards and frowns, whipping out Toukijin::

Inuyasha: Agh! Stand back Kagome! ::pulls out Tetsusaiga::

Sesshoumaru: ::ignores Inuyasha and slices right through the stack of cards, obliterating them, then he slides his blade back into its sheath and turns to walk away:: Now there's no reason to make any noise...::disappears::

Everyone else: ::looks stunned::

Miroku:...Well, that's the end of that game then...::blinks::

Sango: Damn! And I was soo ready to beat you too.

Miroku: Oh, Sango, you can still do that...in other ways! ::grins::

Sango: ::smacks his head with the Hiraikotsu:: Idiot.

Kagome: ::kneels next to her shredded cards::....And this was my favorite deck too...

Inuyasha: ::sheaths Tetsusaiga and sighs:: You can get another one in your time can't you?

Kagome: I guess...but that's not the point...He didn't have to do that.

Inuyasha: Why do you care? You were loosing anyway, you should be happy it ended and you didn't have to take the shame of loosing to me again! ::grins::

Kagome: ::tick, tick::

Inuyasha: Not like you had any chance of beating me anyhow...

Kagome: ::TICK, TICK::

Inuyasha: I mean, there's no way you could ever beat me...Sango boasted, but I know I had her. She was going to lose to me too.

Kagome: Inu-ya-sha....

Inuyasha: Erk? ::blinks::

Kagome: Osuwari!

Inuyasha: GACKT! ::falls face first into the dirt::

Kagome: ::stomps off with her shredded deck::

Sango: ... She did warn you ...

Miroku: Mm, and so did I. I just hope this one blows over quicker then most. Come on Sango, lets get some dinner.

Inuyasha: Grrk...gyehh...heeenhh...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
OWARI

[SaiyanBlack]

That was hilarious! It's one of those random fics that have nothing to do with anything and are just funny. Very nice!

Now I have to go play Hearts on my computer...

[Lara Winner]

LOL! So cute!!!

[Noko Marie]

Snort!! Makes me think of my parents and their friends, surrounded in cigarette smoke and the smell of old burbon in their case. And the game was Bridge, not Hearts. But the conversation? :-?

[kyoki]

Ehehehe... That was so wonderfully random!

[Mellie]

haha! That waas awesome! They were in character and everything. I didn't expect sesshoumaru! Very funny! Now i have to play hearts as well...