No One Knows Who I Am (3/?)

[Tobo Castit]

Warnings: Some language
Rating: PG

Author?s Note: This may throw some of you. Just keep in mind; I haven?t decided who my pairing is going to be yet. I only know it will NOT be Heero. I?m leaning toward Quatre, but you never know?

I?ve been writing this in first person because I need the practice. I?m best at writing third person omniscient, and first person has always been a weakness for me. I?ve had several comments about my choice of style, and that is the explanation.



What a little fool I?m being. Of course I don?t want to die. Why on Earth would I think that, even for a second? There is no point to dwelling on things like this. I can?t believe the things I have been thinking of late. ?I wish that was me?? What kind of thought is that?

I need to find out what is happening. Did the gunman kill anyone else? Is my bodyguard?s family being provided for? How long have I been out? My head is slightly elevated by the two pillows underneath it. I wonder who knew I liked to sleep like that?

My room is full of flowers. I don?t know who sent them; I?m fairly certain their all from politicians or other members of the government. I would like to read my cards, but I can?t reach them. The flowers surround me with their smiling faces of blue, white and yellow. There are sunflowers, daisies, daffodils, and dahlias. One person has sent roses. All this outpouring of affection and here I am contemplating suicide.

Wait a minute, who said I was contemplating suicide?

The nurse has entered the room, preventing me from considering the full ramifications of that stray thought. I smile tightly at her, trying not to bombard her with questions. She is a woman in her mid fifties, with a kindly face full of age wrinkles placed there from smiling too much. She is slightly overweight, a little duck footed and obviously good natured. She is watering my flowers. She must not have noticed my wakefulness, because she is humming a little tune and ignoring my smile completely. It looks like I?m going to have to be blunt.

?Is everyone else alright?? The nurse jumped ten feet in the air and dropped her watering can, letting water spill all over the floor. She turns to face me and shock radiates from her posture and expression. I might have found the situation comical if I had been in the right mood.

?Mrs. Darlin! You?re awake! I need to tell Mr. Peacecraft, he?s just stepped out for a minute?? So Millardo had stayed with me when I was hurt. My heart is swelling with a sudden sisterly affection for him.
Whatever names I may call Millardo?s love for me, ?false? is not one of them.

?Was anyone else hurt?? I can see her expression tighten from one of pleasure to one of guarded uncertainty. ?I know my bodyguard is? I know that he has passed on, but?? Her expression has relaxed; obviously that was what she was worried about.

?You and Mr. Graydon were the only ones shot. Except for the young man that targeted you of course.? That has my interest. ?He was only in his twenties they say, what a waste of a young man?s life.? The nurse prattles on cheerfully. Suddenly, a horrible though crosses my mind.

?What was the man?s name?? I ask my voice breathless.

?I can?t really remember. Something Fox, I think. Or maybe it was Bear. It was some kind of animal.? I can feel all the muscles in my body relaxing. So Heero had not come back to fulfill his promise to me. Not that he really needs a gun. He said he would kill me, that doesn?t mean he has to do it physically.

?Who sent the roses?? I ask, trying to change the subject.

?Mr. Winner ma?am, now I really must go find Mr. Peacecraft.? So Mr. Winner has sent me roses. Does he still pity me? Or does he feel in some way responsible for what happened?



My brother and Pagan have hardly left my side since I woke up. I?ve read all of my cards and rearranged my flowers to just the way I like them. As expected, I didn?t know most of the people who sent them to me. A shocking number came from average citizens. It?s encouraging to think that I have positively impacted these people.

I?m still not allowed to move around a lot, but I am recovering. It?s midnight, Millardo has finally gone home to get some much needed sleep, and I am alone. I?m lonely. I?ve spent all of this time trying to get my brother to leave, and now I?m lonely. How pathetic.

I can feel wetness on my face. Why I?m crying I don?t know, but I can?t seem to stop it. I?m sobbing uncontrollably now, and soon I?ll attract the attention of one of the nurses. Why am I so out of control?

Sure enough, a young nurse has come in. I?ve got my head turned away from her, and I can hear her moving around the room, making small sighs as she makes sure everything is alright with my equipment. She?s right next to me now, so close that the hairs on my arm are standing on end. Before I can stop myself, I grab her wrist as she turns to leave. ?Please don?t go.? She is taking in my tear stained face, even in the dark she has to be able to tell that I?m not alright.

She looks stricken. She can?t handle seeing me break down like this. It must be beyond her ability to comprehend. Why would the Foreign Minister, a woman so well loved by the world, be having an emotional breakdown? I?m going to hear about this on the four o?clock news tomorrow. She?s going to sell her story and I don?t care, as long as she doesn?t leave me. ?I?m just here to?? She looks confused and uncertain. All I can do is plead with her with my eyes not to go. Some kind of light bulb has clicked on in her head, because she is detangling herself from me. ?I?ll be back.? She said kindly.

I?m alone in the dark again. Wherever she is going, she won?t come back fast enough.



The nurse did return, as it turned out. She brought another woman into the room with her and for a moment I was confused. ?My name is Mary, what can I do for you?? Says the stranger kindly. I still have no idea what she is doing here, but the nurse has made a hasty retreat and it is Mary or no one.

?Could you? Sit with me for a while?? I hate myself. Why am I always so weak?

?Of course. That?s what I?m here for. Want to play a card game?? Mary seems unaware of the fact that I find this predicament humiliating. In fact, she looks right at home sitting in the chair next to my bed.

?You must think I?m a terrible fool.? I have no idea why I want to explain things to this woman, but I need her to know that I?m not always like this.

?It?s natural to be lonely at times. When you don?t feel good the feelings just get sharper.? Mary is dismissive of my self loathing. Maybe she has a point.

?Could you just sit with me until I fall asleep?? I ask, more confident now that I am not asking for something too big.

?No problem.? She?s settled into Millardo?s chair, looking completely undisturbed. ?Nobody should be alone if they don?t have to be.?

I?m sleepy, barely conscious, but her words have struck a cord with me. ?But I?m always alone.? I mumble sleepily.

As I plunge into unconsciousness, I swear I can hear her say: ?Then I am very sorry for you.?



I?m going to see my humiliation all over the television any minute now. There is no way that the nurse didn?t tell someone about my breakdown. The Celebrity Watch is on in fifteen minutes, if the stories not there, it won?t be anywhere. Ten minutes to go. Five minutes to go.

So the nurse does have some professional integrity. That or the hospital would fire her for talking. Whichever it is, I don?t mind.



The young nurse comes in at five o?clock, humming casually. I pounce on the opportunity to talk to her. ?Who was that woman you brought in here last night?? I sound more interrogative then I wanted to. She?s going to think I?m offended.

?Mary? She?s one of the volunteers. She comes and reads the children and sits with the older patients. Why? Did she say something unkind?? The nurse sounded as though she could hardly imagine such a thing occurring. Clearly, Mary walks on water around here.

?No, I was just curious. Please thank her for me, when you see her.? I?m trying to sound more polite, but I think I?m only sounding snooty. Being bedridden has made me crabby.

For a minute, the nurse?s brow furrows in deep concentration. ?Oh! I almost forgot, you have a visitor ma?am.? She finally exclaims.

?If it?s my brother, please tell him I?m sleeping.? I don?t care if she tells every other nurse in the ward I said that, I?m too tired to assure someone else I?m alright when I?m fairly certain I?m not.

She looks confused, but she has a surprise for me. ?No ma?am, it?s a young man.?

Who on Earth do I know that would come and visit me? I?m not close with very many young men. I know who I want it to be, and I?ll admit for a minute my heart leapt to my throat. But no, he wouldn?t use a door, he?d simply break in. That was his way. I?m too curious to turn this person down, even if I am tired. ?Show him in please.? I say with my very best gracious smile perfectly in place.



He?s not coming. Whoever he was, he is obviously not coming in. I?ve been waiting here for ten minutes and he still hasn?t shown his face. The nurse hasn?t even come back. Did she make him up? Was she simply having a good laugh at my expense? Or did my visitor rethink his desire to see me?

The door is opening, and I?m about ready to give the nurse a good tongue lashing. But it?s not the nurse coming in.

?Ojousan.? My visitor has violet eyes, a playful grin and a three and a half foot braid swinging behind him. Duo. Heero?s friend and sometime travel companion. I remember. He tried to save me from Heero the first time he threatened me. He?s a sweetheart, but he?s hardly someone I would have expected to come and visit me in the hospital. I haven?t seen him since I was eighteen and visiting a colony in L2 on some kind of campaign circuit. He had sought me out after my speech and we had a pleasant but brief conversation. He looks different. He?s taller, more filled out, and his hair is a few shades lighter then I remember. It may be sun bleached, but I have no way of knowing.

?Duo Maxwell.? A small smile is playing on my lips. I don?t know why, but this boy?s cheerfulness is infectious. ?What brings you to my neck of the woods?? I hate to bridge the topic too quickly, but I know there is no way he would have come out of the blue for nothing.

?Actually, Quatre sent me as a peace offering.? His grin was even wider now, ?He said you wouldn?t be too happy to see him if he came himself.?

I feel as though a stone was just dropped into my stomach. Mr. Winner feels bad, so he is trying to make it up by having his friend come and be nice to me?

Duo must see what I am thinking. His grin has a forced edge to it. ?I wanted to come anyway, but I wasn?t sure they?d let me in. Quatre sort of used his influence to make sure the nurse would ask you if I could come in?? His grin is now sheepish; he wants me to laugh. I don?t want to laugh. I want to put my head between my knees and sob my heart out, but I won?t let him know this. ?Look, I want to explain about the whole Heero thing?? Here is comes. Now he?s going to stick the knife in. ?It?s not like he specifically told us not to tell you where he was, it?s just? We figure he?ll tell you when he?s ready, and?? I?m not listening anymore. I can feel my anger boiling inside me. So they all just figured Heero didn?t want his little stalker to know where he was. What a fine little joke. Let?s all not tell Relena Heero thinks she?s annoying and see what an ass she makes of herself. How many of them new about my obsession with Heero? How many of them were in on this sick joke of theirs? Who did these people think they were? How did THEY find out where he was? It?s not like Heero would send out a little card with his address on it. I don?t want to hear anymore about what they think is best for Heero or me. I don?t want anything more to do with Heero Yuy.

?Duo.? I put enough venom into my voice to silence him instantly. ?I think it would be best if you would leave. I?m tired.? I don?t even wait for him to walk out the door before I roll over and put my back to him. I don?t need his pity, I don?t need Quatre?s pity, and I especially don?t need the pity of a certain pilot 01.




Author?s Note: I didn?t like this chapter as much. First, I hate portraying Relena as angry, because she is hard to capture that way. Second, I don?t like picking on Duo. : ) I know this seems weak on plot, I will try to pick it up next chapter. I do have an idea of which direction I want to take this, I am just having some problems getting there. Everything about this chapter was awkward; I?ll try to fix it for later installments.

[CultureShock87]

YAY! i'm the 1st to reply!!! that makes me almost as happy as your stories do!!! ALMOST! okay, you got me thinking that you bombed it or something! no way! it was a slow chapter yes but not cuz of the writing, more like a dip in the plot, like the excitment is building and about to peak!!! poor duo...relena should give him a nice hug beofer the stories over...or not...or just a hug for me!
anyways, my point, DING! is that it's still good and i like it and i thin it's turning into a great work of fanfiction! DING!
and i love you!

[lilac310]

WHOO!!!...Did you just say that you still haven't decided on the pairing yet?....

::raises her hand:: ooh..I have a suggestion!!!! ::jumps around:: can it be Trowa?....pretty please????...

Great job Tobo!!!..I'm looking forward for the next chapter...

[Pure]

aww poor relena she really is alone. i love this and wish you'd write more soon!

i don't see how it could be trowa since he wasn't even introduced yet...maybe quatre.

UPDATE SOON!

~Kat~