No One Knows Who I Am (1/?)

[Tobo Castit]

No One Knows Who I Am

This song was taken from the musical Jekyll and Hyde. It is the property of one of the many companies that produces Broadway musicals.
Warnings: None really, except Relena?s character is so hard to accurately capture that I think I may have made her OOC a few times.
Rating: PG?
Couples: This is my big surprise, no spoilers!

Look at me and tell me who I am
Why I am
What I am
Call me a fool and its true I am

I can?t believe I?m at another birthday party in which I don?t know most of the people in the room. I could have sworn I requested a SMALL celebration. I?m going to find out who was responsible for this and see to it that they find a large bag of cat poo on their desk in the morning. Why is it that no one wants to listen to me unless I?m standing on a podium reading a well rehearsed speech?

I must have greeted everyone in the room by now. Another fifteen minutes and I?ll be able to sneak out and get some air. I?d better come back though; I can?t really count on anyone to play the gracious hostess in my absence and far be it from me to turn this into a political nightmare on top of a personal one. Honestly, I think I?ve had bad dreams that followed this exact thread. Except in the dream I?m naked.

There?s Lady Une. Maybe I could go stand with her. She usually requires relatively little actual conversation and she is uncommonly good at making meaningless small talk. It?s also a plus that no diplomat wants to come within fifty feet of her. That reminds me, what did my aids dress me in again? The last thing I need is to have a drunken senator try to feel me up again. That?s one birthday memory I?d love to block out. Then again, who would I have invited to my personal celebration? Maybe this is one way to stop my birthday from being a complete bust. I mean, I may as well benefit politically if I can?t do anything else. That?s it Relena, think positive. Nevermind the fact that the scumbag diplomat from Belgium is about to ask you to dance and you have no plausible excuse to refuse him. Nevermind that you are in an insanely tight dress with shoes that could be used as lethal weapons. Nevermind that you have no social life. Oh great, now I?m going to cry.

If I don?t get out of this room in five minutes I?m going to scream. Every other day of the year I do this. Heck, on most days I even enjoy it. Shmoozing is an important part of politics, and I am very good at it. But this is my birthday! I want to get drunk, sing karaoke, do anything other then what I do every other day of the year! Okay, so maybe I want to skip the getting drunk bit, but I would like to try karaoke one day. The problem of course is the fact that I have no one to go with.

I think Millardo read my mind. I must add this to our short list of loving brother-sister moments. This makes six, I think. He asked me to dance and deftly steered me out onto the balcony.

?Aren?t you having a good time?? My brother is handsome, I see that now. He is with Noin now, I believe. Or perhaps he always was and simply never saw it. His eyes are a lovely ice blue and his white blonde hair is thick and healthy. There is a small amount of resemblance between us that I had never noticed before. We have a similar bone structure, our eyes are set the same, and when we frown our faces contort the same way.

?Of course I am Brother.? I add the last word to placate him. He unconsciously relaxes when I call him that, as though things between us are as normal as he seems to want them to be. For good measure, I put the ?friendly? smile on. I have several well-practiced smiles and the ability to chose between them in seconds when necessary.

?You look tired.? He isn?t sure if he believes me. A flat out denial of the fact that I?m not sleeping will only put him more on guard. I need an answer that admits fault but is unspecific enough to keep him off balance.

?I?ve been working on an important proposal lately; it?s been stressful.? I deliver this line with my ?sheepish? smile.

?Take care of yourself.? And there he goes again. He bought it hook line and sinker. It?s getting easier to lie to people who love me.


Once again the highlight of my birthday was the arrival of a hand sewn stuffed teddy bear with a simple, unsigned card that read ?Happy Birthday?. It may sound pathetic, but I live for moments like these.

I don?t know who I am
It?s such a shame
I?m such a sham
No one knows who I am

I love my job. Really, I do. That?s probably the one thing I am absolutely sure of. What I hate is the degree of pressure that accompanies my job. I?m getting much better at dealing with it, but occasionally I get into funks like this one. In a young government like this one large chunks of work are given to few people. It will be years before we learn to spread it out better and by then I will have been sucked dry of all my enthusiasm. At least that?s what the sinking sensation in the back of my mind tells me.

I finished high school and college through a great deal of work with personal tutors. Naturally I received A?s as expected and I worked my butt off for every single one of them. Soon I will be beginning my Masters. Whatever free time I can claim to have now will be sucked into the vacuum. I?m twenty one years old, and something is terribly wrong with me.

The sense of accomplishment I get when I push a particularly important treaty and have it ratified is unrivaled. I literally get my kicks from watching the news and knowing how I impacted it. I?m a media favorite, a little girl in a man?s game that somehow manages to hold her own. The truth is I grew up around people like the ones I work with. I?ve always known how to deal with these people. My private school education and the peers I met there had me more then ready for the back stabbing and pettiness of the political arena. The personalized education I was able to get from my tutors honed my debate skills. Now I can not only stand before the entire world with poise and dignity, but I can argue with someone twice my age and win with ease. I have a good mind for what I do. I have energy and a belief in my work that makes my speeches interesting, and a way with people that allows me to somehow talk even the most stubborn people into at least hearing me out. So why am I so tired? Because even a twenty one year old can?t run on no sleep for more then a month.

My health started deteriorating the day I realized I had worked fifteen hour days for more then two months without anyone calling to ask after me. Being a workaholic is one thing, but being alone is another. I could literally be defined as a hermit. I?ve never been on a real date. There have been offers, all politely declined, but never from someone I could picture myself having a good time with. I have a lot of ?friends?, meaning acquaintances that I can have pleasant conversations with when we meet at social events, but no buddies. My brother is easily conned into believing I?m alright and I prefer it that way. He would only worry about me if I pursued a closer relationship with him right now. I want to be close to him, but I would prefer to have some kind of social life to point to when he asks me what I have been up to.

I could always call up some of my old friend from high school. They wouldn?t really be good for a casual outing or a deep conversation, but I could always take them to some ritzy place and at least not feel alone. The flaw with that plan is that I am once again only pretending to be happy.

What do I want? I don?t even know anymore. I have no idea what I would consider fun right now. I haven?t done anything casual since I was fifteen and Heero? No, I?m not going to think of him. That always makes things worse and I honestly don?t need another reminder of why I am pathetic.

But seriously, what do I like to do? I enjoy reading a great deal, and I don?t think I?m a bad chess player, but what would I do in groups? I can?t even remember. I know I used to like horseback riding. Maybe I should take it up again. A little workout and spending more time with animals might be good for me. Lord knows I have the money to do it. Still, that hobby really doesn?t help me gain some kind of a social life. A hobby is nice, but what I need is a friend.

Am I the face of the future?
Am I the face of the past?
Am I the one who must finish last?

Sometimes I think about what is going to happen to me. When my beauty (if I can really call it that), fades away and my words don?t come as easily, will there be anything left for me? I know I?m being set up for a fall. No one enjoys as much popularity among the public as I have right now for long. When even the people I strive to aid abandon me will there be anyone left to care? I know Dorothy is willing to be my friend, but I don?t trust her intentions and I can?t help but feel she doesn?t really care about knowing the real me.

Being well known has some very bad downsides. I can?t just go out and try to make friends; everyone in the world already has a perception of me. No one wants to know me outside of my persona and I can?t blame them. Celebrities are terribly disappointing in the flesh.

I have a business trip to the colonies soon. Maybe if I?m lucky I?ll see another shooting star. Heck, I?d settle for seeing my first one again. If I ever needed his strength, I need it now. Shame on you Relena! What happened to not thinking of him?


I have been at this table for years. I swear, Representative McQuaid is the most long winded man in history. Representative Winner looks like he?s going to fall asleep. I?ve been watching him intently for the last few minutes; I recognized him almost as soon as I entered the room. He was a Gundam Pilot. He might know where? Well, at the very least he might have some interesting stories for me. I have absolutely no idea how to go about approaching him. It would be cruel to invite him to a business dinner and then start to talk about his war experiences, but I can?t ask him on a date because that would be even more dishonest. He?s a good looking young man; platinum blonde with clear eyes only a few shades off from my own. He has great posture and he obviously works out. Not that I?m looking. He does not appear to have noticed I am staring at him, but then again he was a spy for a while so that seems unlikely. He must know who I am. Besides my massive media exposure he had spent a great deal of time in my home and company when he and Heero had come to stay.


My internal debate was completely pointless, because no sooner had we exited the conference room then a gorgeous young woman ran over to Mr. Winner and wrapped herself around his arm. A woman like that would not want her boyfriend on even a business dinner with another female unaccompanied. I can?t believe I thought a gentleman like that would be single. Men like him are snatched up faster then you can say ?sharks? and they are rarely allowed to escape by the women lucky enough to catch them. Besides, it had been many years since I had seen him, he may not even remember our acquaintance.


Where on Earth is my limo? Pagan usually brings it right around the instant the conference is done. Oh, just peachy. We?re over three hours overdue, I?ll have to call him and wait. I can?t believe I forgot to call him and tell him we were late. That man has been wonderful to me all this time and I had the indecency to let him sit out here for God knows how long waiting for me.

?Ms. Peacecraft!? I hear swift footsteps behind me and I turn to look. It?s Mr. Winner. My name is actually Darlin now, but who am I to correct him?

?Mr. Winner?? I ask politely. I need to school my expression, or he?s going to notice the attract- I mean, great respect I have for him.

He?s smiling with an impossible amount of kindness and light shining through his eyes. He?s breaking my heart and I don?t know why. ?You seem to be without a ride.? He says smoothly, his smile soft and his manner unassuming.

Now I am reasonably certain I can have Pagan over in about five minutes, but I wouldn?t be a good politician if I didn?t take advantage of moments like this. ?Yes, it seems I am.? I say, my ?demure? smile carefully in place.

His smile splits into a grin. He really is beautiful. ?Then maybe I can interest you in a ride home, and, possibly, a bite to eat??

I have a feeling the bombshell is not going to be too happy about this. Honestly, I could care less. ?I?d love to.? I don?t even have to school my expression, I am genuinely happy about the turn of events.


?You haven?t asked me yet.? He said, his expression suddenly turning serious. I had known this moment was coming, but it made it no easier to face.

?I was hoping to wait you out.? I said it with as much humor as possible, but he didn?t even crack a smile.

?Well you succeeded. Ask me.? His expression said it all, why was he trying to make me say it out loud?

?You don?t know where he is.? I said flatly. I belatedly realized how dead my voice must have sounded and that I had sunk into my chair further then was lady like. Instantly, I sat back up and smoothed out my dress.

?No, it?s worse then that. I know exactly where he is, but I won?t tell you. He doesn?t want you to know.? I think that was when I stood up, but I can?t be sure.

?Thank you for dinner?? I hesitated, what else could I say to him? He looked abashed, like he had done something wrong. He had told me the truth quickly, and it was probably kinder that way. I didn?t have the heart to reassure him, even though a small part of me was saying that that was the right thing to do.

?Ms. Relena-? He had stood up at that point, at least I think so. I waved him off with something and made my hasty retreat. I called Pagan on my cell phone, I?m fairly certain he came fairly quickly. What I know for sure is that when I got to my hotel room I instantly collapsed into a dreamless sleep. I didn?t even take off my business suit.


Look at me and tell me who I am
Why I am
What I am
Will I survive?
Who will give a damn?
If no one knows who I am


How had this happened? I have become the girl that a guy tells all of his friends to help him hide from. I am literally the stalker Heero went into hiding to escape from. This is why I?m alone. It?s not my job, it?s me. It?s no one else?s problem, it?s mine.

I have a million phone messages. Most of them are from Mr. Winner. He keeps calling me Relena, as though the fact that he has shattered my self image makes us close enough to be on a first name basis. Alright, that statement is unfair, but I have been highly irritable all day today. The conference is in an hour, and I will have to see him again soon. I?m not sure I can do it. He has seen how ridiculous I am and he knows about my many escapades in pursuit of a man who thinks I?m a stalker. I have never been so afraid to face a person in my life. My father certainly never inspired this kind of intimidation.



I managed to time this perfectly. I am the last person in the room and the conference is beginning; he won?t have time to approach me. If my luck holds I?ll be able to beat the crowd out and hop in my car before he even has time to call out to me. If my luck doesn?t hold, then I?ll just have to be as polite as I possibly can. I always am.



Nobody knows
Not even me
No one knows who I am

[lilac310]

That was a great story, yet how sad.....Relena definitely needs someone to be with her..either as a friend or as a lover but it seems like that is something she's going to be deprived of forever....this really touched my heart and made me appreciate Relena all the more!!...Great job here!!!

[CultureShock87]

hey there, wow, that was really really good! i was very impressed. it was way better than the other one. it was that type of writing that really gets me. the type that hasn't ant major action at the moment but can still captivate witht the characters personal thoughts. it was just great, i want to know what happens next!!!!
okay, now the only flaws i could see were one then/than missuse and one awkard sentence. (since you say i must be honest)
but that was wonderful! keep going!!! i want more!