Christmas Cake (part twenty-five)

[dd]

Sousuke had been wrong.

Some great need for self-preservation had blossomed within him. Force lines from the recalcitrant Lambda Driver filed had shot outward like immense spines on a sea urchin, softening the water and easing his impact.

As the ARX-7 sank deeper and deeper into the darkness, the bubbles seen outside of his view screen decreased in number. Similarly, many of his new found emotions seemed to dissipate and move out of his reach.

?Am I back to normal? Was I ever normal to start with??

He had no way to answer that. The second question had plagued him ever since he had first asked it. That had been Kaname Chidori?s doing. He did not know if he would ever want to explore down that avenue again.

Why?

Because of first question.

He didn?t know what personal decisions would be wise or safe.

How could he ever be sure that the dark part deep within him wouldn?t rise up and take control again? He shuddered. He stared down at his hands. Those hands had moved the controls that rammed a knife into Kurz? M9. Those hands had sent forth a blast of energy that threw Melissa across the ground.

What might those hands do to Kaname?

?I don?t know. How can I ever put her at risk? I?.?

He was about to say ?I care for her.? He was tempted say ?I could love her.? But what did someone like him know about caring or love? Did he have a right to think such thoughts about a normal girl?

Sousuke put his hand on a little used control panel. There were a number of switches that related to the automatic homing beacon. It was working as it should now, without any input from him. One switch would turn it off. Another would cause its battery to jettison, ending its use for good.

Would either of those switches serve Kaname well?

How would she be better off? She might seem to want him near her now, but how much of that was due to the earth shattering experiences they had lived through together? How much was gratitude? curiosity? proximity?

He had brought strife and confusion into her life as he was before. As often as he had protected her from external forces beyond his control, he had also put her at risk by means of his own impulsiveness and lack of social awareness.

The kiss had been wonderful. It had been world-altering for him. What did it mean about Kaname? Could he hope to start back up where he had left off? There were so many doubts inside of him!!!

?The medicines are wearing off.?

It was true. Had the tyrannical biochemicals simply been the heartless puppet master, entirely responsible for manipulating his feelings and primal urges? Or, were they merely the key to Pandora?s box. Once out, could the evils and woes be puck back inside?

He was afraid.

He had to admit that.

Nothing in his life had frightened him as much as this.

Sousuke was no stranger to uncertainty and adversity. But, he had no desire to subject Kaname to endless confusion and misfortune. Mardukas had viewed him as a bomb just waiting to go off? something capable of lulling people into a sense of security before detonating in devastating fashion.

?But? maybe everyone is uncertain? maybe everyone has the same kind of questions and similar fears?.?

Yes.

But, how many people in the school? on the TDD-1?. anywhere?. had gone through the procedure he did? Not even the doctors had been able to give him any assurances before they hooked him up to their machines. What could they possibly say now, witness to the transformation he had undergone?

It was not just Kaname who could be in danger.

How could the men and women in the SRT ever look at him the same way again? How could the tight knit community on Da Danaan and at the land bases trust him implicitly?

It was not a simple question. The point was made all that more difficult to ponder by the simple fact that he had been a cipher to many people before. How many people had failed to trust him before because of the air of uncertainty surrounding him?

Who could blame any of them for being cautious or concerned?

Things still went much deeper than that. Countless men, women, and children would end up depending on him, even though they would never make his acquaintance. If his superiors at Mithril gave him another chance? put him back in a position of great responsibility?. and he failed? what catastrophe might they all face?

?But I got the job done. Again.?

There was no denying it. He had saved the day. No one else had been in position to do what he had done.

This time.

By dumb luck.

Disobedience, blind rage, or some other byproduct of his empowered base instincts could sabotage some future operation. What if the next missile wouldn?t normally slip through Mithril?s fingers, but did so because he screwed up?

Would it be best for everyone if he just sank from view forever?

Should he even bother debating the issue?

Mithril could always build another ARX-7. There were soldiers by the dozen eager to join the organization at any given moment. Kurz and Melissa could break in a new teammate. The fight for justice would go on.

Sousuke did not want to take the next mental leap. He stared over the edge, looking down into a bottomless chasm of repressed feelings and emotions.

Kaname.

He needed to focus on Kaname.

She was a wonderful girl. He had realized just how special she was just before he left for this mission. Someone like her should easily be able to find someone else. Maybe she would be better off with someone who fit in better? someone more predictable? someone safe.

?I don?t think I could want someone else.?

The thought of living without Kaname was uncomfortable. He hated the idea of Kaname dating someone else? kissing someone else? doing other things with someone else.

He saw red. He sighed. His body went limp, succumbing to mental, physical, and emotional exhaustion.

Maybe that moment of jealousy should be a warning to him. Kaname had a right to choose any man she wanted. It might very well be someone else other than him?? if not today, maybe tomorrow. How would he react? Would he break down? Would he wall off his feelings entirely? Might he strike out at her, or people who did nothing to deserve his wrath?

His finger tip brushed across the tips of the switches ever so softly. It would be so easy. He could make the questions meaningless. But, it wasn?t right. That would be a cowards choice.

?And, I do not want it!?

His shout shook him out of his deepening torpor.

That truth the most frustrating thing of all. He had had figuratively swum in emotions that he had rarely allowed himself to touch or take notice of. He had learned a great deal about himself?? good as well as bad. When all was said and done, he knew there was something within him that wanted to get out? to see? to feel? to do? to? to? to?.

To love.

That alone was worth fighting tooth and nail for.

If he didn?t bring harm to those he cared for and those he was obliged to help..

?There are other possibilities.?

Yes.

There organizations other than Mithril that would have a use for him. The JSDF, for example. There were other jobs within Mithril that might suit him. Perhaps he could be an instructor, or train to be a mechanic.

He had led a lonely life, even though he had not been alone. Why couldn?t he simply slip back into that mode of existence? He had walked the halls of Xanadu, if only for a moment. He had tasted the honeydew. He had supped ever so briefly on the milk of paradise.

Reaching his foot out, he hooked the scarf. Kicking, he sent it up where he could grab hold of it. He brought it to his nose and breathed deep. It smelled of Kaname?s apartment. He closed his eyes. He could remember the feel of her lips pressing against his.

He sat a while like that, pulling the soft warm fabric close to him. Reluctantly, he forced himself to address the problem at hand. Sitting here dreaming and thinking would make his decision unnecessary. He had only so much time. There were things he should do.

?Al, are you still capable of responding??

?Yes, Sergeant.?

?Run a check of all major and minor systems. Check data buses and core integrity before putting too much stress on any one subroutine.?

??Acknowledged, Sergeant. Working.?

Sousuke looked over at the bottom corner of the HUD. The music list was still projecting, the last song title flashing. He had paused the song when he took actual notice of the lyrics. He shook his head. Fate must be laughing at him. Perhaps Destiny had wanted to get back at him.

The group name alone was a stab at him. ?Kiss.?

Holding frantically onto a climbing ICBM, the song was too much.

Feeling somewhat contrary, he set the control to ?play? again.

?Baby wants it fast, baby wants a blast

?She wants a rocket ride, she wants a rocket ride

?Baby wants it fast, baby wants a blast

?She wants a rocket ride, she wants a rocket ride

----------

?Lady space, you better wake up fast

?Countdown is comin' on

?Take a rocket ride

?The gravity that used to hold you down

?Just don't exist no more

?Take a rocket ride

----------

?Baby wants it fast, baby wants a blast

?She wants a rocket ride, she wants a rocket ride

?Baby wants it fast, baby wants a blast

?She wants a rocket ride, she wants a rocket ride

?Come on, grab a hold of my rocket?.?

Well, there would be no rocket grabbing today, that was for sure! He wasn?t certain if there would ever be such a thing. His newly acknowledge emotions had certainly included lust, but he was no less clueless than he had been before. He blushed, thinking about the meaning of that song.

?It is not a problem.?

That afternoon?s rocket ride had been more than enough to last him for some time.

He sighed. Part of him had certainly returned to normal. The music no longer held the same thrill for him that it had earlier. Was that because he was repressing his deeper urges entirely? Weren?t some primitive drives necessary for enjoyment and emotional fulfillment?

There would be many things to talk about with the base psychologist, if he hadn?t already been cashiered out of Mithril.

?Results recorded and displayed. All major systems operational, Sergeant. Minor dysfunction in secondary servos has been bypassed. Core integrity estimated at eighty five percent. Simple tasks pose no danger of systems crash.?

?Thank you, Al. Are GPS systems functional? Can you contact the satellite system at this depth??

?Checking?checking? checking? affirmative. Location plotted. Calculating distance to nearest land mass.? The ARX-7s location was plotted on screen.

?Very good. Do you have sounding capability or pressure measurement capacity that would allow estimate of depth and current??

?Accessing subsystems. Affirmative. Working.?

Sousuke sat back in his harness, thinking again about the world he had caught a glimpse of.

?It seems like I was so close to paradise. It is not fair. To see it? to touch it? to taste it? only to have it taken away.?

It was more than that.

He had willingly put him self in harm?s way. He had been ready to die for the one he loved. He had been willing to fight for those who believed in him. Death would have been simple.

Living with any possible changes could be Hell.

The thought of paradise and Hell brought to mind a text he had read in English class. Milton?s ?Paradise Lost.? The language had been archaic in spots---he had trouble enough with English at times, as it was. But, he was good with language. He would be fluent, given time.

He thought about Satan?s fall from grace. It hadn?t shaken any chords within him at the time. He was just another fictional character in a work penned by a man long in his grave.

Beezlebub had suggested to Satan that they should get revenge upon God by seducing man to their side. Having seen his own corrupted side, Sousuke appreciated the sacrifice made by the Son---he had offered to die, to bring man back into the grace and light of God.

In that story, it was possible for man to regain some of what he had lost. Could he do the same?

Satan had regretted his fall at first. Then, his feelings turned to hatred. Would Sousuke end up feeling the same way, if things did not go well? Would he end up worse off than he was before he came to Tokyo?

Sousuke rubbed at his chin. It was prickly. He hadn?t had time to shave for the past two mornings.

What had caused Satan?s fall?

The first sin of Satan had been pride. Sousuke had never been one to be overly proud of himself or his accomplishments. He merely did what he needed to do, or what others required of him. Or, that?s how it had seemed to him. Did the shame he felt now indicate that his pride was more of a problem than he had ever realized? Was his lack of conscious pride a sign that he was too different to fit in?

How much pride was too much? How could he tell the difference between humility, apathy, and significant dysfunction? One thing was for certain. He had experience overwhelming hubris, and did not want to see that part of himself again.

?Kaname.?

Sousuke sighed, shaking his head. What should he do about Kaname? What would he be allowed to do?

Eve had disobeyed God. Adam was clearly upset, but ate of the apple because he couldn?t imagine living without her. After that, and after they had sated a tremendous feeling of lust, they both knew the difference between good and evil. Because they did so, it was possible to choose the latter. They spent time blaming each other for their own fall.

Could Sousuke flip the genders around? If he went back to Kaname, could HE end up corrupting HER? What if he found himself to have fallen---if she refused to leave him, would she tumble downward too?

Adam and Eve had turned to God and asked forgiveness. He heard them and would not allow mankind to be lost completely to Sin, Death, and Satan. They were forced to leave paradise, and they had no choice but to face the consequences of their actions---corruption and violence would remain part of man henceforth.

That thought was strangely comforting to Sousuke. If corruption and violence was inherent to every man? but most men did not appear corrupt and violent by society?s standards? it may be possible for him to deal with any new changes within himself.

Hope tickled him. It was an uncomfortable feeling, because it carried to sting of uncertainty. He initially wanted to brush it away, as if it were a fly walking across his neck. He didn?t. Being mature meant understanding one?s nature. He had learned that much from his trials and tribulations.

He yawned. It might be because he was tired. There could be a different reason as well. ?Al, display the amount of oxygen remaining. Calculate the time remaining at current expenditure. Shut down all functions requiring the use of oxygen.?

Was he getting anywhere with this self-examination? Perhaps. Perhaps not. In any case, he felt compelled to continue.

A story that Raphael recited to Adam had showed another truth---there will always be members of his seed that will act honorably and bring the grace of God back to mankind.

Who was to say that Sousuke could not continue being one who worked for the betterment of his fellow men?

Furthermore, in the story, Adam realized that the Fall was necessary, showing that an evil thing could be turned into a good thing, as demonstrated by the resurrection of the Son. Could Sousuke rise renewed from his ordeal, like a phoenix from the ashes?

The journey that Adam and Eve had to take was no different than the journey that every man and woman must take in life.

Did Sousuke want to make that journey?

What should he do?

[Perfect Soldier]

Damn, dd, you never stop, I swear. You just keep writing chapter after chapter of nothing but gold. I can't wait to see what Sousuke's final desicion is. This fic is a real winner.

Zero

[Magsnus]

There is only one thing to be said about this chapter: Oh my!

Im sitting on needles, excited, cant wait til I get to know how it ends.

With regards
Magsnus

[TimeShifter16]

Sousuke rubbed at his chin. It was prickly. He hadn?t had time to shave for the past two mornings.

RANDOM! (But funny!)
I need to self-analyze like Sousuke. I think everyone could benefit from that. Two chapters to go; can't wait!