The Bunny Approach [1/3]

[RelenaFanel]

Summary: Easter is approaching, and the newest foe looks as innocent as a bunny, (in fact it's a man dressed up as the Easter Bunny) but is dangerous enough to strike terror into the hearts of the Gundam Gang. HYRP slight DMHS

Chapter 1/3: Burn, Baby, Burn!

Date of first posting: 07/29/03

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The Bunny Approach



When the word Easter is heard by people worldwide the two terms that come to mind are ?Jesus? and ?chocolate.? Usually together they sound something like, ?Sweet Jesus, who ate all my chocolate!? Followed by severe ranting and threats before the person remembers one of two things, they ate the stuff themselves, or they hid it somewhere.

Despite changes in the surrounding world since the colonies were established 307 years previous, a good fraction of the population were still Christians and the other fraction didn?t mind getting Easter weekend reprieve from work. The only arguments came from those of hardcore Atheist faith, and not many people paid them any mind after they established their own anti-chapels and began preaching their philosophy. Both believers and non-believers alike condoned these Atheists who were complete contradictions to what it meant to be an Atheist.

Relena grabbed a bottle of Evian from her mini-fridge and flopped down on her couch. Finally, she had a small vacation from her hectic schedule to put her feet up, sleep, and maybe watch a movie or two with her girl friends. Not to mention eat chocolate guilt-free. She sighed and chugged down some water while looking out the bay-window of her living room into the vast dead-green spring acreage of her estate. A leaf that escaped last fall?s strenuous raking rolled across the muddy slopes, making her wonder when the last time was she had sat just to look out a window.

Her work cell-phone beeped and she casually cleared up a few last minute details while idly rubbing off the sticker on her water. The cushioned seat she was sitting on regained its original shape when she pushed herself off and peered closely at a shadow flitting through the trees before her house. A white arm pitched forward, sending a homemade bomb through the window. Her own arm jerked upward to shield her eyes from the shattering glass as the missile flew past her head and settled in the center of her armchair. The cushion cradled it from exploding on impact. Relena frantically pushed the panic-button on her phone before backing slowly away- watching the Molotov cocktail wearily.

For a fleeting moment she considered tossing her water at the smoldering chair, before recalling that Evian was na?ve backwards. If she disturbed the still lethal bomb, it would truly give meaning to the term na?ve. She tripped on the over-sized rug in front of the fireplace and fell on its padded dead-animalness. Bullets peppered the room as she started to crawl towards the door muttering her hopes that no bullet would detonate the explosive concoction before she reached safety.

The sound of the explosion drowned out the one scream that pierced her lips, and yet miles away the recipient felt a chill crawl down his spine.

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A disheveled figure staggered through the door of the Legolas? pub. Where the only thing that wasn?t on the menu was the hot elfin man himself. The proprietor was one of the LOTR groupies and constantly had the second millennium version playing on the holo-screen suspended from the ceiling. Preventors frequented the establishment because of its close proximity to headquarters and the meat was rarely burned, freezer or otherwise. Half the men in the bar inched their hand closer to their weapons as the door swung open.

The female locked eyes with a dangerous looking warrior alone in a corner and she crossed the room towards him. All Preventors went at ease and saluted the newcomer before returning to their happy-hour drinks and miserable lives. A drunk civilian reached around and grabbed the petite blonde?s ass, snickering. A moment later he wet himself when guns once again emerged from hiding.

One over-eager, over-inebriated private accidentally fired his weapon, hitting the pervert on his flubby derriere. The soldier snickered and called out, ?That?s one genuine butt-hole? get it? Butt. Hole.? He fell off his barstool and wobbled out the door with his buddies jeering after him.

The female gingerly sat across from the nearly-smirking ex-pilot and let her head fall to the table in exhaustion.

?You look like Hades, and I doubt that mustard you fell in will help the bruise on your head.? Gesturing to the saucer-shaped spill on the table he pulled her up and placed a wad of paper towels between her forehead and the scarred table. He shook her gently when a snore emerged from her slightly parted lips. She jarred awake after his foot connected solidly with her shin.

?Couldn?t you let me sleep?? When she sat up, toweling was stuck to her forehead.

?You probably have a concussion.?

?You know darn well I don?t have a concussion. Sally gave you a larger report on my condition than she gave me.? Relena pulled up the left sleeve of her shirt. ?You know how many stitches I have without even counting them. But I bet you?ll want to count them anyway!? She muttered ?control freak? under her breath and jerked the sleeve down.

?I?ve seen worse. I will count the other stitches you got. Sally was very non-specific about that wound.? He raised an eyebrow. ?Show me??

?What? Here? It wasn?t very large of a cut, but it bled a lot. Besides, my bra is covering it.? He broke into maniacal laughter.

?Yes, and I?d never be able to get past the restrictions and padding of a bra.? Heads swerved. It wasn?t often impassive-man showed emotion other than monotony and distaste.

?Stop it Heero, people are staring. And they are all trained in lip-reading. I can?t understand why you chose this place to meet.?

?Not many would dare pull a hit in a pubic Preventor hangout. I need to know the foe.? He left the statement open in typical Heero-speech for her to answer without him asking.

?It was a life-size rabbit, ok, a freaken rabbit!?

?The Easter Bunny blew you up? You have a concussion.? He ran a hand through his deep-chocolate hair and took a meditative sip of his beer. ?It?s the perfect guise.? He murmured, more for her benefit than his own. Quickly he rose from the table and stalked out of the over-crowded room.

?Oh yes, just leave the one with third-degree butt burns stuck at the table.? Relena snarled as she tried to inch her way to a stand. Her hand slipped on the mustard spill and she fell, whacking her head on the table before speeding towards the floor. Just before impact hands grabbed her from behind. She looked up into Duo?s worried, yet somehow still cheerful violet eyes and expelled the breath she had been holding.

?Hey warrior-princess, you should get your head checked. You could have a concussion.? He pulled her to her feet while she scowled at him. He sauntered out of the bar, imperceptibly supporting her weight with him. ?They?re saying that the firefighters found you rolling in the mud trying to extinguish your ass.?

?They can say all they want. I doubt they would have stood there and made rump-roast.?

Duo chortled. ?The only humour I like better than yours is my own. I met Heero gliding out the door and he asked me to keep you safe for the afternoon while he checked out a lead.?

?No you didn?t. That would have taken you at least a minute, and it didn?t take me that long to get up.?

?The way I saw it, you weren?t getting up at all. And you were struggling for quite a while.?

?No way!? She poked him in the arm. ?This is what happened. You were supposed to be in the bar with Heero when I got there, but as always you were late. So when you ran into him coming out, he probably glared and jerked his thumb at me.?

?Yeah, you know people too well. I was assigned to look after you today though. Shoot any innocent bunnies, hold parcels if you go shoe shopping, make sure you don?t sleep with that bump on your head...?

She bristled. ?I don?t know which of those was more insulting. Who said anything about shoe shopping?? Duo pointed across the street to where Hilde was madly waving from the passenger seat of her blood red ?Gundam.? Both she and Hilde had loved the irony and immediately each invested when this year?s newest car model had been dubbed ?Gundam.? The real pilots didn?t understand the satire.

?Hilde planned to go shopping for new spring clothes. I needed a car??

?Why do you need a car? You didn?t break your keys trying to carve Wufei?s name into the elevator again, did you??

?Naw.? He opened the back door for her and helped her bend in. ?He threw them in a clogged urinal and took a wizz on them after I volunteered him for janitorial duties at this year?s Easter Shindig.? Duo shuddered as he slid into the driver?s seat. ?I taped them to the bottom of his coffee pot. He?ll find them on his seventh cup today.? Duo muttered that the daily coffee habit was the reason the man was able to completely cover his keys in the first place.

?Disgusting.? Hilde murmured with pride.

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They emerged from the mall with spiked heels Hilde declared to be ?man-killers,? a few spring overpriced and under-made skirts and blouses, flimsy lingerie and hundreds missing from their credit cards. Duo sulked across the lot lugging the purchases, trying to remain ill tempered, but every time he remembered the underwear the grin that spread across his face ruined all appearances of grumpiness.

Hilde waved to a woman across the parking lot who was beckoning outrageously with a novel clutched in one hand. The lady scuttled across the slick spring asphalt at a speed that couldn?t be safe on semi-frozen melted snow. Her elbow thwacked jarringly against a rearview mirror of a parked Toyota and she fell backwards, limbs flailing, and skidded to a stop at Duo?s feet.

Duo smiled charmingly as she stumbled to her feet and grabbed Hilde. ?Oh Miss Maxwell. I think your books are just so awesome. I just bought the newest one and so far I adore it. Will you sign it for me??

It was ironic that Hilde?s nom de plume she had joking created when she believed her first novel would never be published was now coming back to haunt her. Duo teased her mercilessly that if she wanted his last name she?d have to pay a fee. Once in a while it was used as a sexual innuendo, but mostly it was in terms of cooking him food.

Hilde embarrassedly scribbled her name on the book cover, using the woman?s eyeliner to go so. She then suggested to cover it with hairspray or clear nail polish so it wouldn?t smudge, but the fanlady declared it wasn?t needed because she had the expensive smudge-free crap. Relena refrained from mentioning she had began to cry in excitement and it appeared as if she was weeping soot.

The woman hugged Hilde once more, then embraced her two companions. Relena grunted in pain, but Duo grinned wickedly. ?I?m so pleased to meet characters from the books too. I?ve always wondered what straight gay bar strippers and neurotic deodorant testers were like in real life.?

Relena blinked as she skipped away. The woman was nuts, not only was she convinced fictional characters were real, but skipping in sub-zero temperatures across ice had to be up there with bringing a hairdryer in the shower and eating food prepared by a Gundam pilot on the suicide list.

?Obsessed lipgloss-crazed female. As if I could ever pass for a gay stripper.? Duo stalked away insulted, his braid swinging slightly in the cool breeze.

With clothes and being piled into the car, Duo climbed behind the wheel and escaped in a frenzy of tires against slush. He gave the fanatic a rude gesture before hightailing it out of the parking lot. He hadn?t gone more than a few blocks before the rear bumper was walloped by a jeep. Duo muttered about the evils of city drivers and sped up.

?What are you doing! You nut? this isn?t the type of Gundam you?re accustomed to. Imagine the damage one bullet could cause.? Hilde frantically whipped her head around and stared out the back window. Relena didn?t know what the brunette had to worry about, she wasn?t the one sitting smushed in the back seat. ?Ommigod. It?s the Easter bunny. I bet he?s on his way to give chocolate to poor orphan children and in his haste didn?t see us here.?

As Hilde continued to mutter about Duo pulling over and letting rabbit-man pass Relena rummaged through her purse snarling. Not finding any mysteriously appearing weaponry she grabbed the nearest bag and started ripping open boxes. Finding what she was seeking, she rolled down the window and stuck her head out. ?Hey fuzzy! I?m missing half my body hair because of you. Like to blow things up huh?? well blow this!? She hurled her one of new four inch ?man-killer? heels out the window.

The spike drilled its way through the windshield of the jeep, bounced off the masquerader?s head, out the open driver?s window onto the street and blew out the tire of an oncoming taxi. The jeep sideswept a parked car and wrapped itself around a telephone pole. Duo looked back at her in misplaced pride. ?Shit pms-princess? you killed the Easter bunny.?

Within minutes an ambulance had arrived on the scene and took away the bunny plus the irate lawyer in the taxi groaning about suing and his heart palpitations. Even as the attorney carped and gasped he managed to give the unconscious bunny his business card. Relena was escorted to the back of a police car to be questioned while Hilde sat on a curb jotting it down for her next book and Duo paced wringing his hands.

By the time she emerged, her own lawyer had appeared and was speaking in hushed tones to Heero beside the desecrated jeep. Relena approached them; Trowa had the good grace to leave Relena and Heero alone for a moment. Heero just shook his head and walked around her, their shoulders brushing. With his back to her, Heero began to articulate.

?Of all the attempts on your life, you finally fight back this one time. And this one time it happens to be a non-threatening incident where you almost kill a father of four.? He peered over his shoulder. ?Why didn?t I kill you long ago??

?I?m too cute to kill.? She gave what she hoped was an endearing smile. How was she to know the man had been going home to surprise his kids? As far as she was concerned it took a deranged man to wear that suit in public. She probably did the kids a favour... ?As if!? she reflected miserably. She would have loved it if her father had taken the time to be home for Easter, let alone dress up as the Easter bunny. Depression set in and her smile wobbled. Now she had killed some innocent child?s father.

?Good job you didn?t have a gun. It would be harder for me to clean up that mess.? Heero stalked away, motioning to Trowa that he was finished. The silent lawyer ambled over and gracefully lowered himself onto the hood of a parked car. She followed a lot less elegantly and missed the car completely. Falling into the wet street, she added bruises to the burn.

He scooped down and helped her lean relatively painlessly against the car. ?Sorry about your butt.?

?No you aren?t. I have to sit in a plastic doughnut for the next two weeks.? They sat in silence for a moment. ?Sally says I shouldn?t have any scars.? Trowa nodded mutely. ?How much trouble am I in this time??

?Tons. But I?m representing you.? Relena nodded wondering if this man?s ego had no bounds. It was true that he was the best and it would take him seconds to win the case, but he didn?t have to point it out ever chance he got. They leaned against the car for a few minutes before Trowa departed without a word.

?Have a Happy Easter.? Relena called after him. He acknowledged with a flick of his fingers, which was as good as a ?right back atcha? from the Wordless One.

When Trowa was completely out of sight Relena beckoned Hilde towards her. The peppy author scuttled over and plopped herself on the space Trowa?s fine rear had just vacated. They sat watching the clean up crew remove the accident scene, Hilde jabbering on about how awesomely hilarious the whole thing was, and the great scene it would make in her newest book. Duo finally beckoned riotously from across the street and yelled something that was lost in the city clamor.

?I think he?s saying its time to leave.? Hilde jumped up and started across the street.

?Uh? do you think you could help me up??

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Part one of The Bunny Approach. Stay tune for the rest of the trilogy. If you enjoyed this, then why not try out my other stories?

~?RelenaFanel

[Rose of Betrayal]

I like it! I was laughing a lot when Relena threw that shoe at the Easter Bunny guy! Can't wait for the next one!
- DJ

[Raspberry]

Hey, I didn't comment earlier?.. Weird...

Anyway, story is very amusing, and I'd love to know what will happen next, so please continue!

[bookworm]

Oh, boy. Relena in trouble. Hehehe. :evil:

[Crazygurl]

Oh, I love this. I love this. I love this. *sings* I luvitIluvitIluvitIluvit...

[Calla Lily]

I'm not sure whether I should drop my mouth in horror or laugh endlessly. Relena's misfortunes are like a train wreck, it keeps getting worse but you can't tear your eyes off of it. Just great. *sarcasm intended* Maybe Hilde should put a homing device on Relena, just so she knows what mischief the princess can really get into.

~Calla.

[Adaon]

I almost fell over laughing at this, seriously, That's funny.

neurotic deodorant testers (Hildie, or both her and Duo?)
I can't stop laughing at that line.