Summary so far: Heero and Relena have been dating like a normal couple and become lovers. Relena tries to hide her feelings and Heero doesn't say much. When Heero returns from a mission, Relena confesses her love only to learn that Heero doesn't love her and has never loved her.
*note* OC character Mandred is from another story and is playing a sort of parental figure for Heero because otherwise the boy wouldn't talk to anybody. Just flow with it. I made it flowable.
Begin chapter 21:
Desires of the Heart
Chapter 21
By Zapenstap
Relena could scarcely make sense of anything. It was as if a heavy black curtain had been cut from a high window and the material had dropped over her head and was smothering her.
She was so stupid.
Her fingers clutched at the table in her kitchen where she had poured herself a cup of morning tea. The steam rising from the cup moistened her face just enough to hide the tears on her cheeks. She sloshed the liquid around with a spoon, staring at the stains it made against the polished white porcelain on the inside of the cup, unable to drink a drop.
She felt strangely calm inside, a little like being in the center of a hurricane. In her mind, she replayed her last meeting with Heero as if watching a silent movie, and despite the way the memory pierced her heart, she found herself unable to think cruelly of him, unable to hate him or want anything other than to be with him. The scent of him lingered in her nose, a pleasant, attractive smell she couldn?t banish even if she wanted to. Her memory recalled images of his face and neck that made her just want to kiss him, everywhere, knowing in advance the way he reacted to her touch, wanting him to react that way because she felt he deserved anything and everything she could give. But he didn?t want her, and the way his face had looked so broken when he told her so stuck in her head like a shard of bone snagged in a spot just behind her eyes.
Since she woke up, she felt sick to her stomach. Her shower had been too hot, smothering her in a steam that seemed claustrophobic and suffocating. Cold water only made her feel numb, but it kept her head cool and it was the only way she had been able to finished rinsing and get out of the tiny stall before she vomited. Even while dressing, mechanically, she felt like she was going to throw up at any moment, though she knew there was nothing physically wrong with her.
Perhaps it wasn?t surprising when she came down to the kitchen she didn?t feel hungry. Her tea just looked like discolored water. She couldn?t stomach it. If these were the butterflies of unrequited love, she didn?t want them, not ever again! To love so deeply, so devotedly, only to be used and then scorned?it destroyed her trust, her belief in love. If he hadn?t pretended to love her, or to let her believe that he did, perhaps it would not hurt so much. True, he had never told her he loved her, or made any indication that he was going to, but he had let her assume he was serious about her, that she was not just some casual? She felt like an object, some thing Heero had used to slake the newly awakened sexual desires that her proximity had set loose in him.
Her knuckles turned white against the table. Fighting back tears, she struggled instead for righteous anger, for self-willed passion and rage. Heero didn?t love her. Maybe he had even used her. Well, so what? If he ever changed his mind, maybe in a few months or a few years, if he was ever serious about her, she could throw it back in his face. An image arose in her mind of shouting at him, fists clenched and eyes wild, screaming at him all the things she had never said; how it hurt that he didn?t notice when she dressed up for him, that it hurt the way he had introduced her to Quatre, that it broke her a little more every day he had acted distant, refusing to share his life with her, his thoughts, his preferences, his past, anything but his body! And that was for his benefit too, she knew. Even pleasing her had really been for the benefit of his pride. She imagined how he would feel hearing her tell him so, how she could cut into him through the kindness she knew existed underneath that hardened outer wall when she told him how he had abused her patience, broken her heart, destroyed her dreams. Then, feeling half mad and half relieved, she would tell him how she had loved him. Had. But he had thoroughly destroyed her heart, sliced a gaping wound into her soul, and she felt sure she could never love again, could never go through feeling like this again. She would tell him that she had come to hate him. Yes, hate him!
Her stomach flipped and she doubled over in her chair, holding a hand to her mouth as a wave of nausea swept through her. The images passed through her mind in unstoppable waves, and she rode them like a boat in stormy water. It made her want to hurl, to vomit her insides onto the floor along with every emotion she possessed. Closing her eyes, she thought about other things, forcing herself to calm down, to channel her thoughts to something less upsetting. She thought about the place where she had been born, the hills and forests and starry blue skies that she had loved to wander through in her solitude as a girl. Slowly, her nausea became more manageable, hovering on the merely unpleasant.
When she felt it was safe to move, she got up unsteadily from the table and headed for the stairs, leaving her tea where she had left it and trying not to think of how silent the house was now that she was alone again. Her hand trailed along the wall as she stumbled back to her room, smiling a little sadly, resignedly. She was always alone. She had always been alone. Until he came she had sometimes thought that loneliness suited her. The boring, stuffy parties of her youth, the false popularity and false friendships had only made her feel more alone. She had drawn into a shell that could only communicate by being polite, doing what was proper and expected of someone in her position. Her mother had told her that she was very serious, very severe. Only Heero had ever made her feel alive. In him she had caught a glimpse of someone that might understand her severity, would recognize the fire in her heart and the potential in her spirit. She had always cherished the knowledge of his existence. With him, she had somehow felt that someone out there was meant for her, someday, and that she was just waiting for when the time was right. She remembered with a touch of wry scorn how often she had stood at her window and looked out at the night sky, wondering about Heero, always hoping he would come back. And like an idiot, she had actually waited.
Her bed beckoned her as it had when she had been ill as a child staying home from school. She had just risen from it a few hours ago, but she still felt a little sick and couldn?t face the day today. There was nothing important enough to do. If there were any repercussions, they could be dealt with tomorrow. After all, she was an important person. She might as well take advantage of her independence for once. No doubt they would wonder what had happened to her, but at the moment she didn?t care.
She crawled onto the covers and buried her face in her pillow, welcoming the settling sensation that darkness brought. Her stomach still felt weak, her body trembling despite her desperate attempts to relax. Taking deep breaths, she tried to empty her thoughts, but emptying them only brought rushing in that which she tried to hold at bay.
She remembered the awkwardness of Heero?s first visit and the way he had backed her against a wall, the way he made her carry the conversation on the phone, their first date, the walk under the stars, the way he touched her face and hugged her and told her how she had impacted his life and what she meant to him. She remembered too the way he ridiculed her efforts to impress him, the way he was so quiet and closed and how it had bothered her. But she never got mad, or asked for anything from him, always understanding, always thinking of his feelings and his needs. She had trusted him on faith, believed in him like he really was some kind of prince from the stars. She had never questioned his intentions, or supposed he would treat her as anything less than a princess.
Her illusions were shattered. She was not pure or sacred or new any longer. She was not a virgin. Well, she had always imagined Heero as the one to be with her in that way, so perhaps it was a good thing. At least she would never wonder, and she would never have to go through that anticipation again, the need to feel loved and respected and safe just to justify her sexual desires for a man. And she had loved him, even if he hadn?t loved her. She could always tell people that if they asked about her first time. Tears filled her eyes, just a little bit. At least it wouldn?t matter now. After all, if the first time had been a sham?
She felt so cheated.
The images of his hands slipping under her clothes, his mouth on her neck, his eyes on the curves of her body?it all collided in her mind. She tried to force them out, to banish the thoughts, but she couldn?t. The memory of Heero being so close to her, inside her, touching her so lovingly and she now knowing that it was all a lie? She didn?t think she could ever forget it. She realized that she never really would. It wasn?t like her fantasies had been. He would always be her first experience, and those memories would follow her the rest of her life, needing a recounting and explanation in relationships down the road. He would always be her first. And she had been tricked. Willingly. He had practically coerced her to spend the night that first time, and everything physical progressed inch by steady inch from there, but she had never protested, never said what she wanted. She had just thought he knew. She was such an idiot.
She wanted to die.
?Forget him,? she whispered to herself, but she knew she couldn?t. ?Forget you ever cared for him.?
There was no other option that she could see, but though she tried with all her might to hate him, only tears leaked from the mess inside. If only he had loved her?The way she felt now, she wasn?t even sure he had ever really cared. He certainly hadn?t listened very well, or tried to understand her. She sobbed, the noise cutting through the silence in her room, echoing the way she felt cut up inside. She lifted a hand to her eyes, telling herself to stop crying, to get a hold of herself and forget him, but she only cried harder, and wished vainly that he could hear her. Slowly, her sobs turned into chokes and then subsided into snuffles. Her emotions dull, he lay on her pillow for a long time, staring at the wall in silence.
When the phone rang, she started. Heart racing, she jumped out of bed to answer it, stumbling over the mess on her bedroom floor to grab at the receiver. ?Hello??
?Vice Minister Dorilan??
Her heartbeat slowed to a dull thud as she listened to her secretary exclaim her regret that she was sick and then rattle off her schedule for tomorrow, rearranging her meetings from today so that tomorrow she would have no breathing space for herself whatsoever. Relena listened and responded and took mental notes, relieved a little to have something else to think about. At least she would be well occupied tomorrow. But then came the reminder that sent her into a black mood. An unavoidable party, a formal embassy function that she was required to attend as one of the guests of honor. It was something she might have looked forward to last week, but now was like a heavy weight around her neck. She needed a date.
?Do you know who you?re taking, Vice Minister? Should I arrange an escort for you??
?No,? Relena said quietly. Her hands ached for Heero. She hated herself for it, but she couldn?t imagine having to spend an evening on a date with someone else right now, even a functionary one. Perhaps it would make Heero jealous. Maybe he would want her if he saw her with someone else, but she didn?t think so. He?d seen her at enough parties with an escort, guarding her from the shadows, often without letter her see him. She hated this. She couldn?t stand the thought of learning to live like that again. ?I?ll figure something out.?
When her secretary hung up, she laid in bed and stared again at the wall, thinking again of Heero. She missed him. She didn?t know how to stop.
*****
The house was silent and dark; the blinds closed against the mid-morning sun and only the lamp on his desk switched on to flood the computer with a little light.
Heero wasn?t at the computer anymore. He had worked some already in the early morning hours when he was unable to sleep, but now he was sitting leisurely on the couch, a book open on his knee.
The solitude was soothing. He was used to being on his own, to having other people enter his life only at the outermost perimeter and not stay very long. He had never been involved with the rest of the world and had never had to be. If he cared about other people, it was from a distance, doing what he had to do in the meantime, accustomed to not expecting any sort of acknowledgement or concern for him in return.
Relena had always been an enigma. Her concern for him had never made sense, pushing the limits of his personal boundaries, struggling to understand who he was for some reason only she had ever understood. But he had grown accustomed to it slowly, and learned to accept it, and then to expect it. He didn?t know why or how or when his acceptance had changed to liking, but that little bit of whatever it was broke something in him and now he craved her attention, as if he had been parched all his life and in need of something only she could give. He had longed for her spiritually, and then his body became addicted to hers, craving the physical closeness, and sex, reveling in the pleasurable proximity of another human being flooding him with new sensations. Thinking of her had made him forget himself. For a time, he had almost lived a normal life, became a different person, and left his memories behind.
But somehow it went wrong. She was too close, and? different somehow. She had been like him in some ways, solitary, thorough, severe in her determination to realize her ideals. In his head she was stronger than he. But the more he got to know her in this new way, the more he feared she wasn?t he person he had thought. He looked at her face, at all the hope and adoration and expectation directed at him, and felt trapped. The way her face flushed in his presence began to irritate him. He tried to remember why he liked her, why he had watched her for so long and why he continued to see her day after day. But the more he thought about it, the more he realized that all he wanted was for her to be gone. Somehow she had changed when he wasn?t looking, turning into something he didn?t understand and wasn?t sure he even liked. Her moods and emotions were a contradiction, layers of feeling swiftly changing at a word or a glance, never consistent, and never out in the open but always hidden under an outer shell of contentment. He didn?t understand her.
He hated not understanding, but the more he tried to puzzle her out the more frustrated he became. Lifting his head, Heero stared at the wall with half closed eyes, letting his thoughts tumble softly. He missed her softness, the way she felt close to him with the scent of her perfume clouding his thoughts, but perhaps that was just the allure of the female sex. Her voice always stuck a chord in him too, so sure of everything she said even if she was wrong, but he knew that wasn?t enough. He hadn?t wanted to hurt her, of course, knowing that it would crush her, knowing what she wanted of him, but now that she was gone, he felt good. He felt blessedly free.
A disconsolate feeling tortured him wondering how she felt right now, but he knew there wasn?t anything more he could do. Telling her he didn?t love her had been a relief. He had been tense with thinking it, knowing he had to tell her and not sure how to bring it up or what to say. There really wasn?t anything to say. He hadn?t wanted to hurt her. He still cared about her, but they wanted and expected different things. He realized now that he wasn?t ready to fuse his life with anyone else. There was too much in the way, bumps and bruises of his past and personality that he could not forget even if she distracted him from it for awhile. Wasn?t it better in a way that he had ended it? He had tried to bury his discontent and be who she wanted him to be, to focus on the positive things, but when she forced his hand, he had to say something, and he could admit to himself now that he felt better for it. But she was hurt. He knew she would be. He figured it would be better now to just stay away from her. She was strong. She would survive.
The silence in his house was like a graveyard.
His dog got up from its place by the fire and came to lay at his feet, staring up at him with consoling eyes.
?I?m not upset,? Heero said, and he bent to scratch the dog?s ears to convince it that nothing was wrong. A surge of emotions rising up in his gut surprised him. Startled, he forced them down, swallowing and swiftly standing up from the couch. Trying not to think how she was feeling, he did mental exercises, adding numbers and planning tactical strategies that distracted him. He had to just let her go. Maybe things had gone badly, but there was nothing he could do about it now. His heart beat rapidly as he paced the floor, taking deep breaths and staring concernedly at things to keep his attention singularly focused.
The soft, but firm knock on his door surprised him.
?It?s not a good time!? he said, raising his voice to be heard through the door.
?You seem distressed,? came a mellow voice.
?I said it?s not a good time,? Heero repeated, stopping his pacing to glare at the door. ?What are you doing here??
The door was unlocked and Mandred opened it, peering inside at Heero with eyes that seemed to take in everything about him in an instant. ?I realized I hadn?t seen you in awhile and I was in the neighborhood. I apologize for not having called. If it?s really not a good time, I can come back later.? He glanced around circumspectly. ?You?re alone??
?Relena and I broke up,? Heero said stoically.
His voice was carefully neutral, but perhaps something registered in his eyes because Mandred?s expression changed as he stepped inside the rest of the way, shutting the door behind him. ?What happened??
Heero hesitated, watching the older man cross the room to turn on the lights Heero had kept off for the comfort of darkness. He knew he didn?t have to tell Mandred anything. The guy was just an older gentleman who had known his mother and had taken some odd fascination in checking up on him from time to time. He had volunteered to provide him with guardianship until he came of age, to ease his way into a peaceful world after the war, and offer advice should he need it. At the moment, Heero resented his interference, but part of him wanted to talk, if just to relieve his mind and lay things out so he could see them more clearly.
?I left for a week on some business,? Heero explained, relaxing as he spoke though his voice remained dark and cool. ?Things were deteriorating before I left and once I was on my own, I realized I was happier without her.?
Mandred didn?t say anything for a moment, merely eyeing Heero out of the corner of his eye. ?So you broke it off??
?We talked after I got back. She told me she loved me. I told her I didn?t.?
His gut twisted as the words left his lips, remembering the truthful ring in her voice when she said she loved him, and the way he had felt for a moment when she said it. He had felt elated, like a rush of wind had entered his body on the backs of a thousand trilling birds, and then suddenly terrible, a terrible sinking feeling in his gut alerting him of his own feelings and the knowledge that it was going to destroy her. He had been cold to her then, almost harsh, but he hadn?t known how else to act. It was what he always did when he had to do something unpleasant that just needed to be done.
Mandred?s expression was strangely soft, almost pitying, but not insulting or contemptuous. Perhaps compassionate. ?I?m sorry. It?s not easy? on either end. Is she?s all right??
?She ran out,? he said, and the bitterness welled up in his throat when he recalled how she had fled from him. She had never run from before. He had called but she hadn?t stopped, hadn?t wanted anything to do with him. She couldn?t even look at him. He felt strange at the thought, almost sick.
Mandred retracted a little, glancing away from Heero and around the room, pulling his thoughts into his mind the way he did when he was bothered. ?This happened this morning??
?Last night.?
?Perhaps you should speak to her when she?s calmed down.?
?Why?? He?d already hurt her. What good would it be to drag it out?
?She is not someone you will be able to avoid for the rest of your life,? Mandred reminded him. ?She?ll likely call you if you don?t call her, eventually, and you will probably run into her at some point.?
?Why would she call me?? Heero asked. He didn?t see any reason why she should call. Everything that needed to be said was said.
Mandred seemed surprised that he didn?t understand, though his voice didn?t reflect it. It never did. Heero wondered sometimes how much control Mandred used to keep his tone so mellow all the time, no matter what the topic of conversation or the emotions involved. ?Because she loves you,? Mandred explained. ?She?s loved you for a long time. Even if she understands that you don?t love her, she won?t want you to vanish from her life.?
Heero absorbed this information, but didn?t reply immediately. Something in him didn?t want to call her, even if what Mandred said was true. He feared she would misunderstand and think he had not meant what he had said. He did not want to risk having to tell her again that he couldn?t be what she wanted him to be. Heero regarded Mandred out of the corner of his eye as he thought these things, wondering what the older man had expected. Mandred just looked back, patient and calm as always, so certain of everything. In a way, it irritated Heero. Mandred had made him make that first phone call.
?You?re not disappointed?? Heero asked. ?With the way this turned out??
?Why should I be??
?You encouraged me to begin this.?
The older man?s smile was a little sad. ?Nobody can foresee these things. It?s not my place anyway. I thought she might be a good match for you, but you are the better judge. If you tried it and it didn?t work, there?s no cause to my objecting.?
Heero didn?t say anything at first. He thought back on his relationship with Relena, at the way he had felt at first compared with the way he had felt recently. He remembered her luminous, understanding eyes, blue like the sky and tinged with green, like a peaceful lagoon inviting him to lay down his arms and rest. It had been poetry in the first few months, and intensified his longing for something deeper and sweeter and sensual. Her hair and lips and the soft beauty of her skin were all potent, affecting him in ways he hadn?t thought possible, making him feel things he had never expected to feel. The sex was unforgettable. He had liked the way it felt when he was inside her and she was the only thing on his mind until the sweet, sensuous rapture that brought those moments to a swift and sudden end. But it hadn?t been like that the last time. He had come to realize that she had changed. The rest she offered him seemed too good to be true, and her smiles and constant accommodating of his needs made him lose his faith in the simplicity of her goodness. All he could think about that last time was that she annoyed him, and even though it still felt good and ended the same, he hated himself in that moment.
?I can?t understand why she would run out,? Mandred was saying, his voice like a buzz in the distance, ?but if that?s the case, she must have been pretty upset. I still think you should call to make sure she?s all right.?
Heero thought about battles. He almost always did if he didn?t distract himself with something else. Sometimes he felt that that was the way he was living these days, just searching for something to distract him and discarding it when it no longer worked. At times he managed to let go of his past and pretend to be normal, but sometimes the world felt empty. Once, the will to fight was the only thing that kept him living, because he had to fight even if he didn?t have to live. His soldiering days were like black spots on his memory, eating up his soul, a part of him he both hated and was proud of. Objectively, he knew he was crazy, depressing, and dangerous. Thinking about it, he sometimes felt that he would feel more natural to lock himself away from the world, to push everyone away and just be on his own, where he could hurt only himself.
Normally, he avoided those thoughts, but right now it was the only thing that he felt strongly enough about to block out Relena?s broken face.
?It?s kinder to set her loose,? Heero said quietly, and forced her from his mind. He stared beyond Mandred at the wall, at shadows and shapes that only he could see.
?Just be glad it wasn?t too serious,? Mandred said quietly.
?When?s your wedding?? Heero asked. He knew Mandred was engaged to a woman named Immilie, though he had heard no news since the announcement. It irked him that this older man would presume to give him advice about courting girls when he was nearly middle-aged (he seemed younger, but he had to be at least that old) and had been promising to marry the same woman for years without actually doing it.
?There are still complications with that,? Mandred replied, ?mostly because of my background.?
Heero didn?t respond. Mandred?s background was mostly a mystery to him, save that he was educated with a distinguished career in philosophy but was known for his research in mechanical engineering. He knew how the gundams were constructed, perhaps one of few in the world who had seen the original blueprints and he always spoke like a professor, which was familiar to Heero, though Mandred was not at all like Dr. J in that he seemed to think more highly of reading, moralizing and education than political causes. All in all, it often felt to Heero that Mandred belonged in a library, not the real world.
Ted lifted his head from where he had been pretending to sleep, staring up at Heero as if waiting for something.
?So are you going to call her?? Mandred asked.
Heero didn?t respond, suddenly not sure how he felt. Mandred sounded a little annoyed, perhaps because Heero was ignoring him, but Heero couldn?t get himself to interface. It was as if he was watching himself react from a distant place, cold and detached from everything: isolated. He thought again of the battles, of his own bleak background, or the assassinations and killings and near-suicides. He reminded himself that even if he had loved Relena, there was always that. He hadn?t meant to hurt her, but at least he knew he was being consistent. Watching Mandred, he knew he was being weighed, and that his guardian was becoming annoyed with his lack of response. Heero felt a sudden urge to disappear. He remembered Mandred?s reaction when he had told him that Relena stayed over nights, and also the feeling of her body close to his while he slept, his arms around her torso and her hair spread across his pillows.
?It was serious,? Heero said darkly, and caught Mandred?s eye as the other man started. ?In a way. I slept with her.?
The expression on Mandred?s face made Heero almost feel as if he had scored a point, though he didn?t care much for games. Mandred looked shocked for a moment, and then merely confused, as if he was trying to work out a puzzle. ?I fail to understand. You?ve been seeing her for awhile, but from what you?ve told me, it seems she thought it was more serious than you did.?
?I took it seriously,? he said quietly. He could detect no emotion in his tone, though some kind of emotion in him was fighting to be heard. He locked it in, ignoring it, watching himself react from the outside. ?I care about her and I?ll always be there to protect her. I tried to be what she wanted, but I couldn?t love her. Even so, that first experience meant something to me.?
Mandred?s expression stopped him. His eyes took on a sharp look, as if he just discovered a piece in a jigsaw puzzle had just been found face down under the table and its painted side was the centerpiece in the picture. ?All right,? he said. His voice lacked judgment, surprisingly so, but Heero could feel reproach in it anyway, could see it in his expression. Mandred?s voice was so calm it was as if he was just managing to keep it that way. Heero didn?t care. He felt self-destructive. ?When did this happen??
?Before I left for the mission. The weekend before last.?
?Just once??
It wasn?t something he normally would have discussed with anyone, but for some reason he felt driven to, perhaps because he knew it would shock Mandred. ?A few times, but it was just physical.?
?I thought you said it meant something.?
?It did. But not like that.? He couldn?t describe how it felt. It meant something to be so close to someone, to feel someone the way he had felt her. For the first time in his life he had been able to forget himself, to forget everything except what he felt at the moment, as if all his memories had been washed way to leave only raw, pleasurable sensation. The welcoming warmth of her body was beautiful. It meant something, but he couldn?t say exactly what. ?I can?t explain it.?
Mandred shook his head, not in admonishment, but as a sort of gesture of understanding. They both understood without having to talk about it.
?It wasn?t love,? Heero said helplessly. ?I don?t know.? He really didn?t know. He hadn?t thought about it.
For a moment Mandred said nothing, and only gradually came out of his personal thoughts, blinking at Heero slowly, his expression tight. ?You talked with her about this?? he said, and here the control over his voice slipped a little, the sharpness startling Heero more than he was prepared for. ?It doesn?t seem to be the kind of arrangement she would expect. If she was a virgin??
?She didn?t say anything about it.? His own voice was still quiet, but it was the kind of deadly quiet that came over him when he expressing a little emotion would result in expressing too much. Heero felt defensive, and a little panicked. He didn?t like the edge in Mandred?s tone, the creased brow or the way his eyes seemed full of disappointment and worry. Heero remembered his nights with Relena, the smile on her face and the welcome in her eyes. He remembered the pleasure he gave her, the soft, breathless way she had called his name, the way it felt?. ?She wanted to.? It felt so good. She hadn?t voiced any complaints.
Mandred shook his head. ?You need to call her,? he said firmly.
Heero?s teeth clenched and he locked his jaw as he replied. ?I don?t want to call her.?
The sick feeling in his gut was stronger, making him feel weak and unstable and vulnerable. Looking at Mandred, he just wanted him to go.
?Heero,? Mandred began. His tone was patronizing, just beginning to lurch into a lecture.
?It?s over between us,? Heero said. ?He was too old for this, too blood-stained and bitter and isolated to endure someone else pointing out his mistakes. ?It wasn?t the right thing for me.? He hated making mistakes. He refused to believe he made one. ?I?ll still be there when she needs me. Things will be the way they were before. It was better that way.?
Mandred shook his head again. ?Things have changed, Heero. They can?t be the way they were before. You can?t turn her on and off like a switch. You have a responsibility to the girl. She could be carrying your child.?
The statement took him aback. The idea was ridiculous. It made him angry. ?She?s not pregnant. She was on birth control.?
?The principle is the same,? Mandred replied, and the intensity of his tone didn?t alter a hair. ?I?m glad that at least one of you was planning somewhat. I?m not saying you have to marry her or be with her, but you need to talk to her. I?m not sure what will happen now. I don?t think you realize what this means.?
?I don?t need you to lecture me,? Heero said, and the growl in his voice was more than he meant to convey. It dawned on him that he was angry with Manded. ?You act like I?ve committed a crime. There?s nothing unusual in it.?
?Under these circumstances??
?I think you should go,? he said abruptly. His eyes burned. Mandred stared at him as if unsure what he had heard, but Heero didn?t look away. He stared Mandred in the eye with a straight face. He was not going to call Relena to talk about how he had broken her heart and why he had done it. ?I don?t want your advice.?
?Why are you behaving this way?? Mandred asked, and the reactive flash in his eye seemed to break down the careful way he had been handling the conversation. ?I?m sorry, Heero, but if you didn?t love the girl and you knew that, and knew she loved you, you should have been more careful with her feelings.?
?I don?t want to talk about it.?
?Is this to do with the war?? Mandred asked, sounding somewhat surprised and somewhat sure. ?What happened on your mission??
?Nothing!? Heero snapped. Relena had asked the same. Why did everything relate back to the war? ?This has nothing to do with the mission. Nothing happened on the mission. Anybody could have done it. I took that job as an excuse to get away from her.?
?Heero??
?She was suffocating me.?
?Now you?re just trying to justify it.?
?I don?t love her,? he said. ?I know she wanted me to, but I can?t. Her faith in me was misplaced.? He paused. ?So was yours.?
?Heero??
The rumble in his throat was only a hint of the rage he felt boiling to the surface. ?Just leave me alone.?
?Don?t shut me out.?
?I never asked you to come in.?
?Heero, if this is to do with the war??
?It doesn?t!? His muscles tensed and lights exploded behind his eyes. Fury like fire brought memories sweeping across his vision, battlefields strewn with broken parts and broken bodies stretching out endlessly across the rent and blood-soaked earth. ?Will everyone stop bringing it up?? he shouted. All the craziness, the confusion, the loneliness, the sense of knowing that peace could only be found in death, it filled him in every particle of his being. He felt trapped, suffocated, nauseous, and lost. It had been so hard to let go. ?I don?t know why you?re so interested anyway. Stop talking about it!?
?Heero, I know it?s difficult??
?You can?t relate to my experiences,? he interrupted. ?You don?t know what I?ve been through.? He squeezed his eyes shut, sucking air in through his teeth. When he opened his eyes, he felt calmer outwardly, an icy wall wrapping him in a layer of protection, though a storm raged in his soul. He shook his head at Mandred and spoke darkly, though mostly to himself. ?You?ve done a lot for me and I appreciate the effort, but you?re not my father. Maybe you feel like you?ve missed your chance or something, but I don?t need that kind of charity. I get tired of advice. I don?t know what you think gives you the right to tell me how to deal with the war and sort out my personal life. War isn?t an academic study and my personal life is none of your business. Just let me be. I don?t want you here anymore.?
He became aware of a change in Mandred, and the change was like a shroud of darkness falling across the whole room. He could not remember having ever seen Mandred look like that before. His jaw was locked and his shoulders stiff, his expression tight in a way Heero never imagined or expected to see.
?We?ll talk when you?re in a better mood,? Mandred said, and for some reason the stiff calm in his voice stung more than the indignant fury he sensed, but Heero only watched, his own jaw tight with anger. ?You can come find me if you want to talk.?
?I don?t,? Heero replied.
Heero could have cut the tension in the air with a knife. When Mandred spoke next, his voice shook, trembling with barely controlled emotion. ?Don?t think it?s easy for me to come here. I do as much as I can for you.?
?You don?t have a wife, or children, or the guilt of death on your conscience, so bother someone else.?
Mandred look shocked, his expression pained. He seemed to fight for words. They stared at each other in silence for several minutes and Heero suddenly felt an overwhelming urge to apologize but didn?t know how or why. What he did instead was glare back, stubborn and willful, hanging onto his pride while waiting with vague dread for some kind of explosion.
Suddenly, Mandred turned away and walked out, the door slamming on his heels.
Silence swallowed everything.
For a moment Heero did nothing, just staring at the shut door as if it were an enemy, hating it and needing it at the same time. His thoughts were blank, hardly conceiving what had happened. Turning away, he walked into the kitchen, calmly rolling up his sleeves to begin washing the dishes he had neglected the night before. For awhile he didn?t think of anything but the hot water and the soap slick on his hands. He felt a little annoyed for having lost his temper, and a little angry that he had taken off on that tangent about the war, a place he hadn?t needed to go. It was irrelevant to his current situation, a thing of the past. It hadn?t been right to tell Mandred any of those things, even if they were true, as he felt at the moment, and he knew he had gone too far. For the first time he really wondered why Mandred took an interest in him.
As he worked, the tangled web of his emotions unraveled until he didn?t feel much of anything.
Heero had always had a strong sense of responsibility. In the war he took responsibility for the people he killed, even if he was ordered to do it because that was the job of a solider, because that was just the kind of person he was. It was even worse when he made a mistake, but when the mistake was made clear to him he would break his neck trying to correct it. He couldn?t stand being less than perfect, of doing any job less than perfectly. But no matter how kind he tried to be, he sometimes couldn?t tell the difference between right and wrong. He followed his emotions as best as he could, trying to feel his way through an indistinct haze of conflicting values. At the moment, he couldn?t feel anything except awful.
When the phone rang, he answered it doggedly.
?Heero??
Relena?s voice trembled slight and weak like a hesitant bird?s. It didn?t sound anything like her. It sounded like she had been crying, or was about to. Maybe both.
?What do you want?? he asked softly. ?Are you all right??
She was quiet. Too quiet.
?Relena,? he said. ?I didn?t mean to hurt you. I still want you in my life.?
?It?s okay,? she said hastily. He couldn?t read her emotions through the phone, but it sounded like a chaotic mix of things no man should ever have to try and understand. ?I?m sorry, Heero. I don?t know why I called. It was stupid. I shouldn?t have done it.?
He was surprised she had called too, but he didn?t understand why it was stupid. ?Relena, as long as you understand how I feel??
?I understand,? she said quickly, and stopped talking again.
He looked down at his toes, holding the phone to his ear and breathing quietly, letting softer, gentler emotions flow through him. ?I?m still going to be in your life,? he said quietly. ?I?m not going to disappear when I promised I would protect you.?
?You take promises seriously, Heero??
?Yeah.?
She was quiet again, and he wondered if she was thinking of the other promise he had made to her a long time ago.
?I want us to be friends at least,? Heero ventured, not really even sure what that meant, but knowing he wanted something of her. ?We won?t be able to avoid each other. I don?t want that. I care a lot about you.?
She was quiet again. For a moment he panicked, not really think that she might say no. ?Okay,? she said, and he relaxed, though her still he could not read her emotions in her voice. There was another moment of silence while he tried to think of something else to say. ?Listen, Heero,? she said suddenly, and he paid attention, listening harder to her than he ever really had. ?I have a problem. I have to attend an embassy function this weekend and I need to take someone. I know we?re not together and it?s probably way too soon to ask you any favors, but I was hoping that by next weekend we?ll have settled a little bit. I just don?t know who else to take and it?s the kind of thing you normally would have come to anyway, to guard me I mean, though I probably wouldn?t have seen you.?
He knew what she was talking about. He couldn?t decide if it would be easier to guard her from the shadows or as her date, but she was right. He had been planning to go anyway. At least this way he wouldn?t have to forge an invitation. ?All right.? He owed her this much.
He thought he could feel her smiling, though perhaps a little sadly. He couldn?t be sure. Her quietness disturbed him. ?Thank you,? she said. Was there a strain in her voice? He didn?t have enough time to analyze it. ?You?ll have to dress up, though. It?s a black and white formal affair.?
?Don?t worry about it.?
?Heero??
He waited again, listening for all he was worth. ?What??
There was a moment of silence in which he felt her thinking. ?Never mind,? she whispered.
That was incredible. You delved into their emotional, mental states perfectly. I've been in one relationship, and the breakup at the end was enough to send me over edge almost exactly like Relena, minus the excess sickness, it was so realistic the way you wrote it. I loved getting into Heero's head, but I'm sure I'm not the only one who wants to know this:
you've made my day.... now onto the next chapter.... please post soon!!!