Trowa fans - prepare to hate Dorothy.
Disclaimer: I do not own Gundam Wing. I just love to write. A lot.
Around This Life
Chapter Ten
The sun is a cruel and evil thing.
It was peering in at me through the curtains again. That?s why I had my pillow smashed over my face, trying to block it out, for the second day in a row. The problem with blocking out the sun is that, once you do, you?re stuck in darkness. And you start to remember things.
Like the events of the previous night.
He didn?t let go of my hand once we?d started walking. The warmth that was spreading up my arm made me anxious, reconsidering the possibilities of what might be ahead of me. Would it always be like this when we touched?
Nothing was said between us as we made our way to the front door. My mind was still focused on the fact that our hands were entwined. Would this kind of contact between us become common? What would I do if it did?
I groaned under the weight of my guilt as I realized that our pause at the front door had been my chance to turn back. Nothing would have happened if I had just turned back.
We walked outside in the direction of the garage. As usual, his intentions were as unknown to me as the spider?s intentions are to the fly caught in its web. And still, I wanted to go with him. I wanted to find out why he appeared to care so much about me, and why he kept getting close to me after all my efforts to push him away.
?I should?ve turned back,? I mumbled into the pillow, then froze when a familiar voice spoke to me from the other side.
?Bad dream, princess??
It took a few seconds for me to recognize the voice. ?Duo!? I called, throwing the pillow aside and hurrying to sit up. His unannounced arrival caused me to feel both happy and horrified at the same time, so I flung myself at him to give myself an excuse for hiding my face in his chest. For some reason, I thought it might be possible that he had seen the memory I was just replaying in my mind and ask me where I?d been going with Trowa. I also feared that he would see the guilt in my eyes and ask me what had happened.
?Whoa! Cool down, ?Lena, it?s just me,? he said, wrapping his arms around my shoulders. ?Unless you missed me so much that you can?t keep your hands off me.?
I laughed, successfully hiding my nervous condition. ?Of course I missed you,? I said, then abruptly pushed myself away from him and started whispering hysterically, ?Oh my God! How did you get in here? Mother?s going to kill you!?
?Relax,? he said, playing with my already messy hair, ?She took off with that Barton dude already. I waited ?till they left and then Peagen let me in.?
?How nice of him,? I said automatically. My mind had raced at the mention of Trowa-- er, Mr. Barton?s name. During our picnic, he?d said that he wanted to take me to breakfast today. After what happened last night, his taking Mother out this morning instead of me was not a good sign.
He wasn?t going to tell her, was he?
?Are you okay? You?re starting to look all loopy.?
?No!? I said quickly, shaking myself, ?No, I?m not loopy. I?m fine. You just had me worried for a second there.? I smiled at him to try and appear more convincing.
He raised an eyebrow at me and then chuckled. I loved that chuckle. He must have believed my poor excuse because he took my hands in his and stared at them, rubbing his thumb absently over my empty ring finger.
?This sucks,? he said, the usual mirth in his voice suddenly lacking. ?There should be a ring there.?
?I don?t need a ring, Duo,? I said, squeezing his hands for comfort. ?As long as I have you, I?m fine. I?d rather have you than a ring.?
He smiled at me. Not the laughing smile he always wore, but the soft smile. The one he only showed to me.
?There you go again. Making me feel special and all that crap.? We laughed together for a while, distracting me from my worries. A conversation about the engagement party started up and we decided on a place to meet when we got there, so we could practice dancing before we went out on the floor.
?Outside, by the daffodils. Don?t forget,? he said.
?I won?t forget, Duo, it was my idea!?
?Yeah. Sure. Whatever.?
?It was!? I yelled playfully, trying to act as normal as possible.
?Mmhm,? he murmured, rolling his eyes.
?Stop doing that,? I said.
?Doing what?? He rolled his eyes again.
?THAT!?
?I?m not doing anything.?
?Duo!? I laughed openly now, amused despite my emotional burden, ?You do that every time we talk. You just roll your eyes, go, ?yeah yeah, whatever,? and-- you?re doing it again!?
He grinned and tossed his head to the side. ?I don?t know what you?re talking about.?
We joked around for a while more, until Duo suggested that it was time for him to leave. Reluctantly, I agreed due to my lack of knowledge about Mother and Trowa?s whereabouts. They could have left for an hour, or maybe just ten minutes. Either way, we couldn?t run the risk of getting caught, and he was tired of climbing out the window to avoid that scenario.
?Just two more days,? Duo said, ?Today, tomorrow, and then the party.?
?I know,? I said, giving him a soft kiss. ?Then, it?s two weeks. As long as you?re waiting for me, I can last two weeks.?
?Right back at ya?,? he said, then kissed me again and hurried out the door. I could hear him whistling down the hall as he got further and further away, probably enjoying the fact that he could make as much noise as he wanted while Mother wasn?t around.
After the sound of his whistling had turned into silence, I sank back down on the edge of the bed and fought the urge to cry. What had I done? To most people, it wouldn?t seem like much of a betrayal, but to me it couldn?t have been worse if I?d thrown myself at some strange man and told him all of my deepest secrets.
The thought that kept recurring in my mind was, ?What will Duo think of me?? He would have been so hurt if he?d been there, if he?d seen?
My eyes drifted shut, and my mind went back to the night before.
My state of bewilderment morphed into a state of confusion when he led me into the garage instead of past it. He guided me to his car and opened the passenger side door for me, not answering when I asked him where we were going. I couldn?t imagine where he would be taking me this late in the evening, and with him declining to tell me, I settled into the seat and resigned myself to whatever he had planned.
As soon as he closed the door, it hit me again. His cologne. His scent. It was everywhere, still, and stronger than before. Distantly, I wondered if it was really that strong, or if I was just attuned to it. I took a deep breath as he made his way around the car, my head spinning as I did so. Such a good smell.
Duo ought to wear some cologne, I mused, comparing Trowa?s fresh, wintry smell to Duo?s heavy, brawny one. Lucretzia had once told me that every man has his own unique smell. I didn?t believe her until then.
We seemed to drive for an eternity before the car finally stopped. I had no idea where we were until he opened the door for me and I stepped out of the car and up to the large iron gates of the St. Catherine?s Church Cemetery.
My father was buried there. Well, not my father, but the man who?d raised me after my father died. Vincent Darlian, my mother?s second husband, had been dead for four years, resting forever beneath the soft green grass of that cemetery. I had been denying that fact until I met Duo, and cried in front of another person for the first time since I was a child.
My mind was blank as we approached his grave. It felt like I wasn?t really there, like it was just a dream and I would wake up before I read the name engraved in stone. I had only visited this grave two times since the funeral, once with Duo and once alone. The time I had come with Duo was when I finally accepted that he was gone, and I cried more on that day than at any other time in my life. It had been three years since then, and yet, standing there on that warm night, I started to cry again at the mere memory of the pain.
In front of a total stranger, I reminded myself.
I rubbed my fingers against my temples and tried not to think about it. But it kept coming back.
I cried in front of a stranger.
I cried in front of Mr. Barton.
He had been so calm during my tearful fit, allowing me to cry without seeming awkward or out of place. I might have been fine with that if it had ended there. But I was stupid. I did a stupid thing.
I took comfort in him.
He hadn?t said anything, hadn?t done anything, but stand there. And so, when I turned to ask him why he?d brought me to that place, I met his eyes and collapsed, crushed by the weight of his stare and the amount of compassion I found unhindered there. He?d caught me, held me in his arms, and I?d cried there. Cried into his chest. I cried about my father. I cried about my shame of being so weak. I cried about my mother, and what she?d been doing to me since his death. Her accusation. Telling me that his heart attack was my fault. I cried about her hitting me, about our arguments, about hating her.
I told him that I hated her.
Thus, I woke up that morning with a tremendous void in my chest. The void of guilt, and uncertainty. Trowa had said next to nothing while I cried, offering me his handkerchief and his curiously gentle expression. I?d never seen him so tender, and in my anguished state I scolded him for attending to me. In response, he?d pulled a picture from his pocket. A picture of his sister, he told me as I examined it. She had died five years ago in a car crash, on her way to his birthday party.
?You asked me why I care so much,? he said then, ?This is why.?
I knew then why he cared. Why he was being so attentive toward me. He understood the pain. He knew what it was like to lose someone, and feel the weight of responsibility bearing down on you.
After that, I released myself into his embrace, and accepted the comfort he offered me.
And that?s why I felt guilty. I?d shared with Trowa one of the few things I?d managed to reserve exclusively for Duo. My tears. I had shared my tears with Trowa.
What would Duo say if he knew?
I stood up from the bed and began pacing the room, growing more and more anxious by the second. Shower, I thought. I need a shower.
As I made my way to the bathroom, I stopped in front of the mirror and glared at myself.
?Idiot,? I whispered, my facial features reflecting in the mirror as the embodiment of lament. The word died on my lips when I tried to whisper it a second time, and I showered and dressed in silence.
* * *
Peagen was nowhere to be found. I?d wanted to catch up with him and ask if Duo had made it safely off the grounds without Mother returning and discovering him, but he was inexplicably gone. The only people I came across were the kitchen staff and the maids, who weren?t much help since they?d been instructed by my dear mother to ignore Duo?s very existence.
When I heard the sound of the doorbell ringing, I decided to answer it myself since Peagen wasn?t around. After I?d opened the door, I inwardly cringed and decided that it would be last time I ever opened the door myself.
?Good morning, Miss Relena,? Dorothy Catalonia?s smooth, glossy voice said to me, ?I was just on my way to visit your neighbor, Mr. Winner, when I remembered that my grandfather received an invitation this morning to your engagement party on Saturday. Since it?s on my way, I decided to stop by and congratulate you in person before the official celebration.?
?Thank you,? I said, trying to smile. Of all the people I did not want to see at the moment, Dorothy ranked prominently on the list as number two. ?I was just on my way to see Mr. Winner myself,? I lied, but it was better than waiting around for Mother to return, ?Would you mind if I accompanied you??
?Not at all, Miss Relena,? she replied, ?We have a great deal to catch up on.?
Our walk ended up taking much longer than I had hoped. Dorothy?s naturally probing behavior was, like always, quite hard to deal with. Her line of questions about my relationship with Trowa was excessively difficult to bear, especially with the sting of self-disgust still lingering fresh in my thoughts.
?Is everything all right, Miss Relena? You are acting highly unusual.?
I shook my head. ?I am quite well, Miss Dorothy, but thank you for asking.?
?May I ask, then, why you are so pale??
Why is that people only ask you what?s wrong when you?re not in the mood to talk about it?
?It?s just my nerves,? I said, ?The party is only two days away, and it will be my first formal appearance as Mr. Barton?s betrothed.?
?I see?, she said, pausing for a moment to check her well-manicured nails. ?You?ve been keeping this relationship very private until recently, haven?t you??
?Yes,? I said, thinking back to the night the Gossip Mongers had dined with us. According to their conversation, they believed that Trowa and I had been together for months. I wondered if Dorothy thought the same?
?It is difficult to maintain privacy with a mother like yours, isn?t it, Miss Relena??
?Quite.?
?Well, you should be thankful that you have a mother at all. Who knows how you might have turned out otherwise?? she laughed. ?You could have ended up like that scandalous Po woman.?
Sally Po, I remembered. She?d been accused of having an illicit affair with an oriental man. When I?d met her, she?d been all politeness and charm. The man she had allegedly been fornicating with was her polar opposite. It still amazed me that the whole community could believe that story on a whim.
And as far as I knew, Miss Po had a wonderful mother.
My patience was nearly spent when we finally arrived at Quatre?s front walk. Rashid was outside, walking towards the house and he smiled at us when he looked over. The front door was wide open when we reached it.
?Welcome, Miss Dorothy, Miss Relena,? Rashid said as we stepped inside. Dorothy gave him a curt nod and I thanked him for waiting for us. After closing the door, he motioned us towards the sitting room, saying, ?Master Quatre is currently entertaining a few guests, but I?m sure he will like it if you join them.?
?Very well,? Dorothy hummed, breezing past him through the open double doors. I thanked Rashid once again and followed her, relieved to be somewhere other than my own home.
When I stepped into the room, my stomach fell through the floor.
?My dear Relena!? Mother?s voice cooed, ?We were just talking about you!?
No, I thought. Please, please, no.
?This is quite a coincidence,? Mrs. Swan said, ?We were just about to ask Mr. Barton why you do not yet have a ring.?
My eyes darted about the room. This can?t be happening. To my left, Dorothy was taking a seat next to Quatre on one of the sofas, and next to them sat Mother, beside Mrs. Swan on another sofa. If Mother was there, then Trowa must be there as well. I glanced to my right and saw him sitting alone across from everyone, staring idly out the window. He turned his head just as I was about to look away, his expression unchanging save for the sudden surprise in his eyes.
My insides turned to knots.
?He?s been very dull this morning,? Quatre said, ?I hope you?re able to bring him out of this stupor.?
?I will do my best,? I said, forcing a smile. My already twisted innards became even more entangled when I realized the only place left to sit was right next to him.
?Go on, take a seat,? Mother hummed, ?I doubt he?s going to bite.?
The room filled with laughter as I made my way to the sofa, completely embarrassed. I wanted to sit as far away from him as possible, but if I did it would look suspicious. The two of us sat together without speaking for a while as Mother sparked up a discussion with the other occupants of the room. They seemed to forget we were even there, and it gave me time to calm myself down a bit.
Then he spoke. ?I apologize for not taking you to breakfast. Mrs. Darlian insisted that I accompany her very early this morning.?
His voice was soft.
?There?s no need to apologize,? I managed to say, discovering that my throat had constricted sometime after I?d entered the room. ?I wasn?t very hungry this morning.?
He didn?t say anything in response. I didn?t know if that was a sign to continue talking or be silent, so I decided to be silent.
?Oh, now look. We have two dull people in our midst,? Mrs. Swan directing everyone?s attention at Trowa and me. ?Don?t tell me you are both nervous about the party??
?Of course they are,? Dorothy spoke for us, ?They?ve been keeping their relationship a secret so long that it?s a wonder they?re even in the same room together.? Laughter filled the air again, coming from everyone but us. ?I really am interested in knowing, Miss Relena. Why do you not have a ring??
I stiffened. A ring. Duo and I decided not to have a ring until Trowa left. We?d never thought about a ring coming from Trowa.
?Our relationship is not dependant upon material things,? Trowa said, alleviating my anxiety for the moment. Mother made to say something, but Trowa stood up unexpectedly. ?Would it be all right if you and Mrs. Swan walked back to your estate, Mrs. Darlian? Miss Relena and I have something to discuss.?
Mother looked hesitantly at me and then back at Trowa. ?Take as much time as you need,? she said, ?Mrs. Swan and I would be more than happy to walk back if it allows the two of you some time to yourselves.?
?Thank you,? he said, turning and helping me out of my seat. We walked out of the room and down the hall, side by side, not saying a word. It could have been my nerves, but I?d have sworn that he knew his way around the manor. He certainly seemed to know which area of the house was going to be deserted, because we?d managed to avoid all the servants during our short trek.
We were in the middle of a wide, sunlit hall when Trowa abruptly stopped walking.
?I don?t think you should stay with your mother anymore,? he said swiftly. I whirled around so fast that his face was a momentary blur.
?What??
?She hit you,? he continued, his voice not the least bit quiet. He almost sounded angry.
?It was just her frustration,? I said, shocking myself for the simple fact that I was defending her. ?She probably just--?
?Don?t support her,? he interrupted me, taking a step forward. I looked up at him and saw, for the first time, a hint of displeasure in his eyes. ?Stop trying to be what she wants, Relena. You?d be much happier if you just let her go.?
?I?? my mind was hazy. What should I say? What was there to say? She was my mother. I couldn?t just?just??I can?t.?
He didn?t respond. I wanted him to stop looking at me the way he was then, with such intense interest that it made me want to curl up into a bawl and swat him away with a stick.
?Why are you doing this to yourself?? he asked after we?d stood there for a while. I didn?t know how to answer, or if I even had an answer.
?I?m not doing anything.?
?Did you eat this morning??
I blinked a few times, then looked away. ?No.?
?Why not??
The bitterness I thought I?d buried began slowly working its way out.
?She said?that I was fat.?
?When did she say that??
?Just before you came,? I squinted, trying to hide the sudden moisture in my eyes, ?She said that I have fat ankles, fat arms, a fat face?fat thighs, fat hips, fat fingers--?
My breath caught. I hadn?t noticed him lifting his arm, but I suddenly felt the soft tips of his finger pressing lightly against my cheek. His thumb came to rest on my chin and he gently turned my head toward him and looked directly into my eyes.
?You?re beautiful,? he said, tenderly caressing my jaw line. The compliment struck me off guard, and I felt a heat spread through me from the middle of my chest. My face was tingling, my cheeks numb. I felt my skin start to pebble.
What's he going to do? I wondered, growing anxious. Is he going to let go? Is he going to say something?
The last fleeting thought I had stunned me. I couldn?t believe it was even passing through my mind.
?Well, isn?t this a scene?? Dorothy?s voice suddenly broke into the hall. Within moments, Trowa?s touch was gone. ?I?m sorry to disturb you, but Mr. Winner and I are planning to leave, and I don?t think he wants strangers running around his mansion while he?s gone.?
?That?s fine,? Trowa said, not turning around to face her. ?We were just on our way.?
Dorothy stood there for a moment before walking off, her heels thumping loudly on the floor as she strode away. ?Where are we going?? I asked, no longer making eye contact with him.
?To lunch,? he said, checking his watch, ?We?ve missed breakfast.?
I nodded and allowed myself to be led outside, having gone emotionally numb. Why was it that Trowa could force me to open up, even when I was determined not to?
Perhaps it had something to do with the fleeting thought I?d had just a few minutes before. It definitely wasn?t something I could convince myself to ignore any longer. Now there was just the matter of dealing with it, which I had no idea how to do.
The fact that I could think such a thing proved even more that I was a fool.
My fleeting thought.
Kiss me.
TBC
