Relena, Stand By Me (3/?)

[Calla Lily]

Relena, Stand By Me
Chapter Three: Cathy?s Clown (part one)

A/N: Thanks to Faye Faye for providing evidence that Midii Une and Lady Une are not one and the same. Although, now there?s this slight hesitation on which version of Middie?s name I should use? crudmuffins. XD

Potty-mouths in this chappie. Enjoy.

- - -


?Trowa, are you awake?? A distant voice hailed him from the swirly depths of his dream. At least, he hoped it was a dream. He envisioned a young lady in long curls that framed her cheery oval face. She was smiling down at him?

He groaned. Something hurt. He couldn?t open his eyes for the life in him. Then, his gut convulsed wretchedly and the taste of bile rose in his throat.

Okay, no dream. His stomach was killing him. He must be in a nightmare.

?Uhh??

?He?s alright, everybody, he?s gonna be okay.? Then multiple voices all breathed sighs of relief and left the room.

Like hell I am.

The minutes ticked.

Then an all-too familiar voice spoke.

?Trowa, sorry for making you do that, buddy, but I gotta say, you got some balls attempting a dare like that.? He heard the resounding sound of a slap on the head. ?Oww, hey! Anyways, we all blanched when Milliardo found you in the washroom, puking your guts out.? There was a tsk of disapproval. ?Actually, he found you sprawled out on the floor, unconscious and blue in the face. You were in bad shape, man.?

I?m still in bad shape?

?Eugh.?

?Stop talking to him, you?re only making him feel worse.?

?I?m just trying to get him caught up on the stuff he missed out on. I mean, I?ve never seen anyone run so fast to the washroom before, not even when Milliardo first saw Heero kissing ?Lena yesterday, he would have committed murder in daylight??

?For once, could you keep your mouth shut? It?s bad enough you landed him in the hospital.? Then the male voice became irritated.

?Oh come on! You were the one who started the eating contest, I?m just the one who followed you and before we knew it, Trowa decided to take on the challenge. It?s his fault, not mine.?

?How can you be so insensitive??

?Enough with the hitting! I haven?t got enough brain cells left in there, anyway.? The female voice mumbled, ?Figures, I can?t believe I?ve stuck around with you for this long.?

A brief moment of silence. A shuffle of shoes. Then he heard the most peculiar sounds?

Whispers?

Apologies?

?Mm-mmm.? and a little giggle.

SMACKING?!?

He, Trowa Barton, gundam pilot 03, was lying in severe bodily pain while the only other people in the room were?

For once, Trowa also wished he was deaf.

Then, the Powers That Be took pity on the hapless boy and intervened. A door re-opened and the multiple voices that were present before, all stopped chatting away when they entered. ?Oh my god!? a male shouted in horror, ?If you?re going to make out, take it to the car, Duo! You?re making the rest of us sick!?

?Both of you out of the room,? That must have been Sally?s commanding voice.

Trowa fell asleep again, glad to hear the session was over.

- - -

Warm sunlight bathed his eyelids as pilot 03 became conscious of his surroundings. He still couldn?t open his eyes.

?We can?t leave those two alone.?

?But we are glad they?re back together ??

?Just as long as Duo?s not staying at my house anymore.?

?Aww, come on, it wasn?t that bad.?

?Oh yes it was.?

?How do you know?? A female voice interjected Duo, ?I talked to him.?

?Since when? Heero, did you tell Relena everything??

?Hn.?

?Did you all forget that we have a sick patient here?? A new woman?s voice reached his ears.

?He?s sleeping, let?s keep it down.? Hilde said.

?Quiet everybody, we should let Trowa get his rest.? That must have been Quatre.

?But geez, that was one heck of a run he did at lunch.?

?Your fault of course.? That was Wu Fei. ?Not to mention something else??

?People, let?s not go through this again, okay?? The sick patient could imagine a girl rubbing her temples in exasperation.

?At least the incident wasn?t a complete disaster.?

?Besides wiping out an entire section of the restaurant??

?No, that was bad. Even worse, I got landed with the cheque? but I meant our friend lying unconscious there.?

He was NOT unconscious.

?You meant that woman whom he met??

?For your own knowledge, they knew each other already.?

?What was her name again??

?Midii Une.?


- - -
(Earlier that day.)
- - -


The sad clown rubbed his wet face on a towel as he walked back to this trailer, not noticing the assembly of girls that seemed to materialize from nowhere.

?Hi, Catherine.? The redhead leaned against the door and prevented him from entering.

?Hey, brother.? A silly little grin lit up her face as she stared behind him. He only raised his eyes in curiosity. ?Look at what you?ve stirred up.? Catherine nodded her head towards the campsite. Wondering what this was all about; Trowa craned his head and saw the faces of practically all the eligible women in the circus, their mouths open in amazement.

?I don?t get it.? His sister had to bite her lip to prevent an oncoming smile.

?Let?s think, you?ve just taken a shower and accidentally left your shirt open. You better get dressed soon before those poor girls start having heart attacks.? She stopped leaning on the door and walked down the steps, trying not to face the other women for fear that she would laugh at her dear brother?s naivety. He was a sweet boy, but quite oblivious to some things. She almost felt sorry for the other girls because Trowa had no interest in dating.

- - -

?Sally, come on, we?re going to be late for the luncheon.? Wu Fei called through the bathroom door while he waited for her to emerge. Looking down at his clothes, he fixed his collar and brushed off some miniscule pieces of lint that hung to his pants.

?I know, I know, almost done here.? She called back. The Chinese man glanced at his watch. ?1:36 pm.? He heard sounds of rushed scrambling coming from the other side of the door.

?Okay, done.? The woman said breathlessly when she finally opened the door. Wu Fei just sighed and grabbed the keys to the car, Sally grabbing his jacket and purse to follow him out. ?Sorry, Wu Fei, but I?m driving this time.?

- - -

?Do you know the place Relena was talking about?? Sally asked casually as she roared her monster truck down the streets while Wu Fei merely crossed his arms, trying to hide his apparent nervousness. He didn?t like driving downtown in busy cities, Sally knew that, but the girl was a maniac on the roads.

?Yeah, she said it was pretty close to the Preventer?s Headquarters.? The woman jammed onto her brakes when a convertible cut in front of them without warning, they were on a bridge, and you weren?t supposed to change lanes until you?ve reached the end.

?You m*ther f*cker, get off the road ya jerk!? she yelled, opening the window and giving a rather obscene gesture to the car in front of them. Wu Fei went pale. He loved her, but?

?He?s got a lady friend sitting beside him in that car,? he commented. Sally slammed on the brakes again, (Wu Fei hit his head on the dashboard, may good grace bless all seatbelts!) before shifting gears and revving the engine.

?That?s no excuse for bad driving.? She rolled up the window before beating up her horn over another driver that refused to let her into his lane. The Chinese man could only swallow his pride.

?I still don?t understand why we had to go back to your place before lunch when you could have brought an extra set of clothes to work instead.? Sally did a u-turn on a one-way street and almost knocked over a bunch of tourists in the process. Her companion silently prayed that he would get to the luncheon in one piece.

?I forgot, alright? Besides, I wanted to dress up a little today since it?s not often that we have get-togethers like this.?

?Now you?re lying. We just went paint-balling last weekend. What are you hiding??

?Nothing.?

?Sure.? Sally signaled right and swerved the corner, yelling at some teenage punk who didn?t look where he was crossing. The Preventer Headquarters was a modern building that appeared to have been made entirely from glass, but they knew better. That place was a triggered mousetrap. ?Is this the place?? And she stormed into the underground parking at another building without hesitation. Wu Fei looked at the height restriction and hoped that the monster truck would clear it. He shut his eyes.

?Cleared it.?

?The restaurant is on the third floor from the top of this buiding.? He craned his neck, looking for an empty spot. ?There?s Trowa?s elephant?? Sally stared at him, ?I meant Trowa?s jeep, park beside him.?

?Yessir.? She replied and did a doughnut with her tires before shutting the engine off. ?Got money for the parking ticket?? Wu Fei nodded and opened the side door. Fresh air.

The pair used stairs to get out of the underground and stepped onto the glass elevator to reach the floor where everyone else waited. Sally shifted uncomfortably.

?What?s wrong??

?Nothing, the tag was just bothering me.? He grunted, ?You look different.?

?Is that a good thing or bad thing?? The young surgeon turned her head towards him.

?That was a compliment.? Pilot 05 left the conversation at that, but when the doors of the elevator opened, he offered his arm and she took it willingly, a small smile on her lips. ?But wear less make-up, you look like a clown.?

She could have driven a scalpel into that head of his.

- - -

?Cathy, Trowa. Hey, everybody got here before us.? The Chinese-American woman greeted her friends warmly when they arrived at the long table. ?Wow, long time no see.? Her companion just nodded to his fellow pilots. Their area faced the window out looking the rest of the city, and their table was in one of the more secluded parts.

?Where?s Relena?? Lucrezia nodded slightly to one of the large potted plants near the restaurant?s entrance and said casually, ?she went to wash her hands before eating.? To Sally, it looked like Relena and Heero were holding hands and kissing, all the while hiding from her big brother. ?Milliardo, do you want some more bread on your plate?? So, Noin was intentionally averting her husband?s gaze from the Vice Foreign Minister.

- - -

?Say, how about we each get a different plate and then swap each other?s later on?? Duo suggested when the waiter had left them with menus. ?That way, we could all taste each other?s food.?

?I don?t know.? Heero spoke his mind. The white-blonde haired man could slip poison into his rice, especially when he sat on the other side of Relena. ?Too messy.?

?How about getting a large platter that has everything on it?? Quatre pointed to a specific title on the menu, ?it has a combination of Japanese, Greek, Indian, and French cuisine.?

?Does it have bourbon?? Dorothy.

?Yes, and it also has Souvlaki and Revani.?

?What??

?Souvlaki ? grilled lamb on skewers, Revani ? Semolina Cake.? answered Relena.

?Does it include any seafood?? inquired the girl who wore a beret.

?No.?

?Good, I don?t like seafood.? She shuddered at the thought of breaded squid on her plate. All its squiggly little tentacles, that weird shaped head, those round squishy eyes, that ugly mouth?blech.

- - -

After chatting away for the good part of an hour, the gang all settled down when several restaurant staff came to clean up the table and serve them their meals. Like Quatre suggested, they decided to take the platter along with a few separate dishes for tasting. For drinks, they all agreed to non-alcoholic beverages for the Arabian man?s sake and Duo?s large mouth. Besides, Heero was reluctant to drink anything when Milliardo offered to take the tab for the wine.

?Sweetie, I have to go to the washroom,? Dorothy said, placing a quick kiss on her man?s cheek (along with a sly grin), before grabbing her purse and walking away from the table.

?Me too,? said Sally. ?Relena, could you watch out for my jacket? I have something important in there.? The girl nodded and watched her friend slip unnoticed from the table.

- - -

?Can we start eating now??

?No.? But Duo?s stomach grumbled. ?I?m starving.?

?The way you talk, it sounds like Hilde doesn?t feed you.?

?I don?t, he feeds me.?

?S-t-a-r-v-i-n-g.?

?What?s taking Dorothy so long?? Wu Fei leaned against his chair and crossed his arms. A deep gurgling emerged from his belly as well. His face turned red.

?See? He?s hungry too, just a bite?? Catherine looked pityingly at the two boys and then at Quatre and her brother. ?What do you think, just a bite then?? Trowa shrugged his shoulders, why not?

Duo grinned all the way to his braid.

?Only one bite, it?d be rude to continue.? Pilot 05 nodded, of course.

- - -

Suddenly, Wu Fei started to choke upon his sushi that he had crammed into his mouth in one big bite. As a challenge, he had gone up against Duo and chosen the largest piece from the tray, it was loaded with more than a tablespoon of wasabi.

?Wu Fei, are you alright?? A very worried Relena asked from the opposite end of the table. The Chinese man shook his head frantically and started to do something that resembled a chicken dance around his chair. The others stared in confusion.

?Man, this is not the time to play charades?? Wu Fei shook his head and resumed his little routine, only that he stood on a chair for extra emphasis.

?He?s trying to fly??

?Superman?? Lucrezia asked, turning towards Trowa for any hints of help.

?Don?t look at me,? and the boy held up his hands in front of him.

?Nah, Superman holds his arms straight out front, Wu Fei?s got his arms like a chicken.?

?A flying chicken then.?

?Chickens don?t fly.?

?The chicken dance, you know, the one they taught you in pre-school.?

?Relena, we pilots didn?t go to pre-school.?

?Flying rubber chickens then.? Piped up Quatre as the others stared at him.

?What is with you and chickens??

?Kentucky Fried Chicken.? And Duo started drooling.

Poor Wu Fei.

?He?s choking!? Catherine finally pointed out and the Chinese man did a rather ungainly bow towards her direction before stumbling forward onto his face. The girl did a 180 degree turn with her head, looking for Sally.

?She?s not here. She went to the washroom with Dorothy.?

Meanwhile, pilot 05 was still battling with his sushi and stood up on the table itself. Forget the dancing, his put his hands around the throat and tried to cough the thing out.

?What?s the matter, Wu Fei?? He pointed to this throat and feebly made gagging noises. How stupid were these people?

?I think he really means it?? They all looked at each other to the choking man and then back to each other. The sudden realization of what was going on hit them. All hell broke loose.

- - -

?Someone get him a glass of water!?

?Forget water, that thing?s too damn big for that!? Heero deftly got up from his chair, walked over to the other side of the table and grabbed pilot 05 by the collar to pull him down to the ground. Without hesitation Heero punched Wu Fei straight in the ribs. Lucrezia gasped in horror.

?HEERO!? And Wu Fei stared at the pilot with furious, yet teary, eyes. If Heero didn?t kill him first, the wasabi would. Which one was the better way to go, he couldn?t tell.

?Didn?t work.? Pilot 01 communicated the news and Relena looked alarmed by his barbaric actions, ?Of course it didn?t work. Does anybody know the Heimlich??

?Try to chew, man, try to chew.? Duo flailed his arms around wildly like gigantic windmills and crammed some frickin? sushi (amongst other things) into his mouth, showing his buddy the proper way to swallow teriyaki chicken.

?Duo, stop it!? Hilde screamed, she didn?t need her fianc?e to garrote himself with his violently swinging braid right before their wedding. Wu Fei continued his solitary battle with the evil green paste.

?Mm ? phy-ing ? to- ?elp!? he reasoned when his girl slapped him multiple times across the face to get him to spit out the cuisine, it flew out of his mouth and onto Catherine?s bowl of steaming mashed potatoes. She didn?t notice.

Wu Fei was now hopping around the table, trying to strangle himself with his table napkin.

?My god, someone help him!?

?Maybe if I shoot ?? Milliardo started to say, taking his gun out from its holder.

?You are NOT going to shoot anything,? Catherine shrieked, grabbing a fork and threateningly pointed it to his stoic face. ?I?ll gut you with this spoon if you try such a thing in a public restaurant.?

Quatre watched in amazement at the chaos in front of him. He turned to Trowa and raised his eyebrows, clearly indicating whether they should join the fray head-first. These were their friends, after all. Trowa shook his head, damn his passive soul.

?Something will happen, you?ll see.? He crossed his arms, watching Cathy grab her glass of water throw its contents, aiming for Milliardo?s face. Seeing the onslaught, the man grabbed the nearest thing to him and used it as a shield?

*COLD COLD COLD!!!!*

Catherine gasped.

?Quatre, I?m SO SORRY!? She apologized, when Mr. Peacecraft pulled the Arabian man in the path of the water, ?That was cruel, you animal-hating, gun-toting, ex-Oz officer!?

?Everyone just try to calm down?? Lucrezia stood up and made soothing motions with her hands, her attempts failed when the smoking-hot Chinese man tripped on his feet and fell on top of her. Unfortunately, she had grabbed the edge of the tablecloth as they went down and pulled the dishes clear from the table.

?Get off my wife!? and yanked Wu Fei back onto his feet.

?Duo, catch the plates!!!? Too late, several dishes had already broken.

?What about Wu Fei?!?

?And to think you boys saved the world before ??

But before Heero or any of the other boys could intervene, a young woman came to their aid and said to them rather calmly, ?Don?t worry, I know what to do.? The stranger then put her hands around the blue-faced man and performed the maneuver on him rather harshly???

Relena held her breath.

?Come on?? the stranger said more to herself than anybody else when Wu Fei refused to hurl the damn thing out, ?Come on out you little piece of shit????

A look of recognition came over Trowa?s face?

?SPIT IT OUT, MAN!? Duo yelled dramatically, shaking both his fists for emphasis as Hilde put her hands on her man?s shoulders, already in the process of biting her lip.

Wu Fei started to make gagging noises.

?He?s not going to make it ?? Milliardo?s eyes widened to the size of tea cups.

?Oh god!? Relena buried her face into Heero?s chest for comfort.

?Come on ??

* P-T-O-O-E-Y-!* went the sound as the offending object was coughed up. The gang all exhaled in relief. Unfortunately, the mangled sushi-bits sailed separately across the air and across the table, only to soar to different tables?

One of them landed into an elderly man?s glass of pop with a soft *plop.* To their horror, the chunk settled to the bottom of the drink and stayed there like hardened cement.

?Look at the size of that bastard??

Then the gentleman reached for his drink.

?NO!!!? They all yelled, scrambling out of their seats to prevent any more accidents happening. Multiple deaths by sushi ? that?s one thing that they didn?t need to add to their already interesting resumes:

Such as ? oh never mind.

They had to go and save the restaurant first from the evilness of wasabi and raw fish!

- - -

Duo, Wu Fei, Hilde, Lucrezia, Relena, Catherine, Trowa, Milliardo, Quatre, and that stranger girl all sank down into different chairs when it was all over. Wu Fei picked up his glass of water for he was feeling thirsty.

(Oh dear, we forgot about Heero and Noin, the poor things.)

Then he caught on the looks of the others, all panting and sweating. And glaring.

?Don?t you even dare?? started Catherine, feebly waving her ?spoon? around.

Wu Fei put the glass down softly and coughed.

?Damn you Wuffie??

Relena turned towards the new girl and said rather breathlessly, ?Thank you for helping us; I don?t know what we would have done without you.? The woman waved a hand as if to show it was nothing to her. ?No really, we appreciate what you?ve done for us.?

?I?ve got it covered. Did I forget to mention that I?m a waitress here??

?But you don?t seem to be in uniform.?

?It?s my day off, or it was meant to be.?

?What was you name again?? inquired Milliardo, he had baby spew all over his front when? don?t ask where it came from.

?I never gave it.?

?So, will you tell us your name?? Hilde asked kindly, while Duo flopped over in his chair and laid his exhausted head on her lap.

?Midii Une.?

- - -

Author?s Notes: (aka What Doesn?t Belong to Me)
Song: Cathy?s Clown performed by The Everly Brothers

- The Colonol?s famous (yet unhealthy) Kentucky Fried Chicken.
- Wasabi.
- Trowa.
- The food mentioned.
- Sally?s monster truck.
- Midii?s survival skills. (Apparently, the Heimlich Maneuver is no longer deemed appropriate for choking emergencies. See your local St. John?s Ambulance for more information.)
- Trowa?s wet towel.
- The jacket belonging to the Preventers.
- Catherine?s ?spoon?  inspired by the film, Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves

?Locksley, I?ll gut your heart out with a spoon!? (Sheriff of Nottingham)
And no, Alan Rickman doesn?t belong to me either? *sighs*

Today?s lesson: Chew before you swallow. XD

[Raspberry]

Wow, that was dangerous! And I was going to eat sushi someday... *shakes her head*

[Chibi-sitter]

I enjoyed this chapter heaps! my sides are sore from laughing!!! i think the "wufei choking bit" was what done it. hilde should've know what to do, in the movie version of EW i saw duo choking while eating lunch with hilde at the end.

[Faye Faye]

Middi and Lady Une are NOT the same. Whoever told you that was wrong
It's explained in....Episode Zero. Midii has Blond hair while obviously Lady une doesn't. They are two completely different people. I'm really sorry that you were mislead. However, I'm definatley enjoying your story andl ook forward to more. When I find a link to the comic I told you about, I'll send it and you can check it out and get the REAL story. Lol Great work and Keep going! ^_^

[Faye Faye]

That post was definately backing you up. Stick with the separate Identities...plus Midii is definately prettier than Lady Une. :-p

[Katisha888]

I've read the first two chapters in the other forum and was glad to know that its been continued, I've been really looking forward to chapter 3. So far its been my favorite, especially since I almost choked on my french fry while laughing at the chaos w/c resulted from that wasabi-and-sushi mess.