Platonic Love - Ch. 7 - Realizations

[Kilmeny]

Platonic Love ? Chapter Seven ? Realizations
By Kilmeny

Disclaimers: Gundam Wing belongs to Sunrise. Any songs or quotes belong to their authors listed with them. This story is not being used to make a profit.

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Chapter Seven ? Realizations

She had felt his eyes on her for the last hour. He was much more mobile now, too, since his cast had just been removed. This enabled him to easily move to an area where he could always keep his eyes on her. Needless to say, it all made her feel . . . well, just feel. And she didn?t think he was trying to hide it either, so maybe he wanted to talk to her.

After washing the grease off her hands that she had accumulated during the work day, she went into her office and gathered her things. Well, if he wanted to talk, then she would go over to him right now and see what the heck he wanted.

Yet when she came out of her office, he was no longer around. ?Strange,? she murmured, then stepped outside to begin her walk home. She grimaced when she saw how dark it had become. She shouldn?t have worked so late?there were some dodgy-looking men who lived in her apartment complex, and they liked to loiter outside at night. Several times they had leered at her or made nasty remarks. She only felt safe in her neighborhood if it was daylight or if she was locked in her apartment.

That?s why today she had decided to carry her gun. She could feel its weight in her purse; the feeling wasn?t as safe as when she had a male escort, but it was better than nothing. She knew how to protect herself.

At the corner of her apartment complex, she spotted one of her neighbors leaning against the wall and smoking a cigarette. There was no one else around. He dropped the cigarette as she passed and fell into step beside her.

?So, why are you alone like this on a Friday night?? he asked.

She tossed her hair out of her eyes and quickened her pace. His long legs had no problem matching her strides. She debated whether to answer him or stay focused on getting to her apartment. But suddenly he grabbed her arm. Before she could wrench it free, he had dragged her into an alley between two apartment buildings.

?Let go of me!?

He clamped a hand over her mouth and attempted to trap her between his body and the wall. She twisted free and pulled her gun out just as he brought his up. She stared at him in shock; he narrowed his eyes.

The sound of running footsteps registered in her mind before she saw her attacker fall to the ground from a well-placed kick in the head. She gasped, gaping at his unconscious body on the pavement.

?You little idiot,? said Duo gruffly, stepping toward her, but he cried out and grabbed his leg, his knees buckling.

?Duo!? cried Hilde, rushing to him where he kneeled on the ground, grunting in pain. ?You?re the idiot!? she exclaimed, ?straining yourself when you?ve just gotten off your crutches!? She helped him up while saying this, then? ?Are you alright??

?I?m fine! It?s you I?m worried about! Why?d you move into such a foul neighborhood? That guy could have- he was going to-? He made a disgusted noise. ?If you would just be sensible and-?

?Look, Duo, it?s all I could afford! Now are you going to come inside or not? I assume you have something you need to talk to me about??

?Yeah, come on,? he said, placing a protective hand on her back as she led him to her apartment.

Max went crazy at the sight of his two favorite people, jumping against Duo?s leg several times. ?Ow! Woah there, buddy,? he said, crouching to pet and calm the dog.

?Go ahead and get off that leg,? said Hilde from her kitchen, ?would you like anything to drink??

?Water would be fine,? he said, then made himself comfortable on the couch with Max?s head on his lap.

Hilde leaned against the sink, finally able to catch her breath. She had put on a good tough act in front of Duo just now. Her heart was still threatening to burst from her chest. Why was he here? Why couldn?t he leave her alone? ?I can?t do this; it?s too soon,? she whispered, her eyes wet. She took a couple deep breaths to calm herself, then brought their waters into the living room.

She didn?t sit on the couch next to him, but on the recliner instead. Duo studied her face, the same face he saw every night in his dreams. How could he say what he had come to say? ?Hilde, everything?s different without you. I know you think that I?ll come to believe this is the best thing for us, but I can?t! It all feels so wrong . . . and it?s not safe here. Won?t you please come back home??

?I can?t . . . look, you shouldn?t even be here. I never wanted you to come here.?

?But you know it?s not safe! I have to protect you!?

?No, you don?t,? she said slowly, ?I can take care of myself fine.?

?Do you call what happened tonight ?taking care of yourself!???

Hilde glared at him. Surprisingly, he backed down. ?Can?t I even come and visit you? We?re supposed to be friends . . . look, I even brought your favorite movie.? He began to pull it out of his bag, but Hilde shot to her feet.

?No,? she said, ?It?s- too soon.?

His gaze swept over her. That same strange look was in her eyes, and her hands were balled into fists at her sides. Slowly, he rose to his feet and came to stand before her. He gently lifted a hand and touched her cheek. Her breath stopped short. Then his arms were around her, and he held her close to him, one hand in her hair. ?Hilde, I dream about you every night. I miss you so much.? He felt her shoulders jerk.

?What do you want from me?? she asked miserably.

He stroked her hair. ?I just want to take care of you, make sure you?re happy and safe.?

?I don?t need you for that anymore. I need you to leave me be. I?ve been fine here. My friends often come to visit, and I know how to protect myself.?

With every word she said Duo felt pain, perhaps some of the pain she had been feeling. He pulled away and lifted her head to look in her eyes. She held his gaze determinedly. ?You don?t-? No. Look me in the eyes and tell me you don?t need me anymore.?

?Duo . . .? but he refused to relent. ?I don?t need you, Duo,? she said, looking straight in his eyes.

Like a child experiencing his first disappointment, he released her and stepped back, a hurt expression on his face. Silently he turned and picked up his bag, giving Max a pat on the head. At the door, he turned and looked back at her.

?Duo,? she said, ?I?m sorry for lying when I said we?d still be friends . . . for now, I can?t handle being with you on anything more than a business level.?

He barely nodded and turned to let himself out. ?Make sure you lock the door behind me,? he muttered. When he had closed the door, he leaned for a moment against it, heard her slide the lock in place, and tried to gather his thoughts, but nothing made sense anymore.

Hilde rested her hand on the closed door, relieved but unsettled. Max stepped forward and snuffled against her hand. ?Come on, Max, let?s go to bed.?

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On the walk home, Duo began to experience something akin to panic. Because of her cursed stubbornness, nothing would work. Nothing was going to bring her back home. Clearly, she was determined to move on with her life. So should he concede and move on with his? Or should he continue to fight? But anymore, he wasn?t so sure what he was fighting for.

Wanting an answer, he finally began to listen to the little voice in the back of his head. Think of Hilde, it said, Stop being selfish and thinking of how miserable your life has been lately and think of her. Look how you hurt her every time you try to convince her to stay with you. Don?t you realize what you?ve done?

He stopped walking. For the first time since Hilde?s confession, he began to feel what he should have from the beginning, something incomparable to everything he had been feeling so far. And he had been beaten, received several punches in the gut, seen unspeakable things, but nothing from his past could compare to it either. Nothing could have prepared him for this feeling, that indescribable feeling that came from breaking the heart of the woman he loved. For he did love her, but he never thought that the kind of love he offered wouldn?t be good enough for her. She wanted something that he couldn?t give, didn?t know how to give. The reasons he couldn?t were all too confusing to understand.

It hurt him to hurt her like this. Just like that dream?she had given him a gift, but he hadn?t been able to give the same thing back to her. And because he couldn?t offer the same thing, he couldn?t keep her gift. He had broken it, broken her heart, and he would never be able to forgive himself.

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And so Duo did everything he could to keep from causing Hilde anymore pain; he avoided her at all costs. Since that night, the incomparable ache in his chest remained. His house morphed into a chaotic jumble of paperwork, dishes, clothes, and grime. Looking in the mirror one morning, he was taken aback by the strange look of his eyes. Where once his smile lines stood out, the bags under his eyes were now the most prominent features. He was someone he didn?t want to be anymore.

Before she called to him, he heard Lorelei?s high heels clacking on the kitchen floor. Sighing, he knew it was time.

He went into the living room and began to pick some pizza boxes up off the coffee table, muttering under his breath about the pigsty he lived in.

?Well, actually, that has something to do with what I wanted to talk to you about,? said Lorelei, overhearing him.

?Oh,? said Duo, turning around, ?Yeah, I?m sorry about it being such a mess.?

?You see, that?s why I think you need a housemate again, someone who can help you keep this place cleaned up, someone who can keep you company when you can?t sleep at night. I know you haven?t been sleeping well for quite some time.? Duo watched her bemusedly as she came and put her arms around him, a small smirk on her lips.

?Lorelei,? he said slowly, ?It?s not just my house that?s a mess. I?m a mess. The last thing I need is for us to get more serious.?

?But we-?

He turned his head, not looking at her as he muttered, ?You can?t replace Hilde.? At her intake of breath, he slid her arms off his neck and clasped her hands in his, looking at her directly. ?I can?t give you what you want anymore, Lorelei, and you moving in is not going to change that. For the past three years I?ve been in and out of relationships because I?ve never been ready to commit. And although I think you?re really special, it can?t go on any further than this. I mean, have I really been what you?re looking for these past few months? I?m a terrible boyfriend.?

A frown creased her forehead. ?But I don?t think you?re terrible. Duo, I?ve never met anyone like you. We?ve had so many good times together, so why can?t it last??

?I don?t- love you, Lorelei. And I?m not fit to be in a relationship right now anyway. I have too many other issues I need to deal with first. It?s not fair to you to continue to pretend that this is going to work.?

She pulled her hands out of his, saying somewhat bitterly, ?You?re not who I thought you were . . . I thought you were someone who dived into life and never held anything back, but truly you?ve been holding yourself back this entire time.? She shook her head disbelievingly, a wry smile on her lips. ?Duo, you?ve been holding back your heart. And that?s the reason the passion I thought you had doesn?t really exist in you.? All of this was said in a very emotional tone that made Duo feel even more uncomfortable, then her voice went flat, which didn?t bode well either. ?What?s life if you don?t put your heart into it?? Before he could respond, she made as if to leave.

?Lorelei-?

But her purse was already slung over her shoulders, and her hand was on the doorknob, her back to him. ?You don?t have to answer to me, but you do owe it to yourself to think on it for a while.? She opened the door. ?Maybe I?ll see you around school sometime.?

After she shut the door, Duo groaned softly and ran his hand through his hair. He was officially alone now, but at least he was being true to Lorelei and to himself.

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?What?s life if you don?t put your heart into it?? The question and its implications continued to run through his mind over the next week. In the shower one evening, he let the refreshing water cascade over his face and leaned with one hand on the wall in front of him. He felt exhausted with all of the changes in his life, and he was tired of thinking these thoughts, but he felt it was time to finally confront them. All this time he had thought he had one up on Heero, Trowa, and Wufei. Unlike them, he had always been able to let his feelings out in the open. But Lorelei was right; it didn?t mean that he was really any different than them. He had still been affected by the events of his past. He still struggled with allowing himself to be vulnerable. And he most definitely was holding something back?his heart. Her words had only confirmed that this was the reason he had broken Hilde?s heart, the reason he hadn?t been able to love her back. He was so selfish. It wasn?t as if Hilde didn?t have a similarly painful past.

During the war he had given his all to protect the colonies; he had put his heart into everything he did. But since then, his feeling of purpose had come from somewhere else. It must not have been work or school or play because he had that right now and he wasn?t happy. Every happy memory he?d had since the war had been shared with Hilde. The key to this whole mess had to be Hilde.

Licking the water off his lips, he remembered kissing her that day by the gazebo. He couldn?t imagine sharing that moment with anyone else, and he realized how thrilled he was to be her first kiss. He had been the one to make sure that she experienced a first kiss the right way, sweetly and innocently. He wanted to be the one to share the rest of her sweet moments. His purpose was found not only in protecting her, but sharing life with her. For who was better to share it with than her?someone so vibrant when she danced, loud when she laughed, animated when she talked, and honest when she finally broke down and cried.

The loneliness that consequently settled over him gave his thoughts a newfound clarity. Abruptly he found that his life was flashing before his eyes as it would a man on the brink of death, except he was on the brink of a discovery. A kaleidoscope had been put up to his eyes, and it spun, revealing images from his childhood, then the smoke billowing over a battlefield, Hilde covered in bandages lying in a white room on a white bed; everything was white. Then there was color again, the red of Heero?s blood as he pulled himself off an examining table, the army green of a hundred mobile suits surrounding him, the burnished gold of a field of wheat from his dreams, and then the blackness of Deathscythe looming before him, toppling down on him, until he saw only the inky blackness of space sprinkled with the pinpricks of stars billions of miles a way. That?s how far Hilde felt from him. He was supposed to be with her, the way he was with her as she lay in the white hospital bed. The creaminess of her skin, the blue depths of her eyes, the black of her hair, like the blackness of space. He remembered it all now in startling, vivid, blessed detail. He hadn?t been near to her for weeks, but he could picture her now as if she was less than an arm?s length away from him.

He sighed and opened his eyes, realizing that the water was now icy cold. Shivering, he turned it off and stepped out, wrapping a towel around his waist and drying his hair. He wondered if it was too late now to confess to her and himself that he was in love with her. Was it too late to present her with the same thing with which she had presented him? But he wasn?t an optimist for nothing. It?s never too late to dive in, he thought, psyching himself up as he looked in the mirror. And even if she didn?t accept his apology or rejoice in his confession, he owed it to her. And he owed it to himself to finally let go and make himself vulnerable again.

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Max snuggled closer into Hilde?s side for his Saturday afternoon nap. Hilde herself was indulging in a quick doze, one arm flung carelessly across her forehead, the other dangling off the side of the couch. She had spent the entire morning cleaning her apartment and working on a project for school. Just as the haze of sleep was beginning to tug at her consciousness, her doorbell rang. It was probably one of her girlfriends wanting to talk, she thought as she reluctantly rolled off the couch, Max scurrying out of her way. Usually she?d be glad for company, but today she just wanted quiet.

Unfortunately, it looked as if quiet was going to be far out of her reach today, since the person standing in her doorway had never lived a quiet day in his life. Oddly, she wasn?t surprised to find herself face to face with Duo. No, this time she was angry. ?What do you want??

Every detail of her face was exactly as he had envisioned it last night. She was just as beautiful. But though she truly did stand less than an arm?s length in front of him this time, her demeanor indicated she remained as far away as she had been. Nonetheless, his heart quickened its beat in response to her physical closeness. ?I only want you to listen to two things I have to say.?

Those eyes . . . those deep violet eyes that had pleaded with her so many times before, now shone down at her again. Hilde?s heart skipped a little; there was something different in his eyes today, something that unexpectedly gave her hope. That would be the only explanation for why she was now ushering him into the room. Stubbornly, she kept her angry expression.

Duo stepped forward a few paces, loosening the collar of his shirt before turning around. Her arms were crossed, whether to protect herself or to discourage him, he didn?t know. Unheeding, he strode back over to her with a wide-eyed expression that must have seemed strange to the unwitting Hilde. ?Hilde, I-? Before she could step back from his abrupt advance, he took her hands in his and proclaimed, ?I?ve been so selfish, and I?ve hurt you so much, and-? He looked down at her pale hands in his dark ones. ?So the first thing I want to say is that I?m sorry for, well, for everything. Can you please forgive me??

His eyes returned to hers, so soft; it would be so easy to . . . no, this was just like all of his other apologies, like when he didn?t pick up after himself, or when he forgot to bring home groceries, or when he broke . . . something. She firmly pulled her hands out of his grasp. It wasn?t that she didn?t want to forgive him; she already had, but- ?Duo, I don?t know why you thought you needed to come over here just to-? She stopped short and gaped down at him, yes, down at him, because now he was kneeling before her. She was so enthralled, not just by his position, but by his humble bearing as well, that she allowed him to take her hands again.

She watched with wide eyes as he bent his head and tenderly kissed one of her hands, then leaned back to look up at her and say, ?Please don?t act as if I haven?t done anything to you. Because I have, I?ve been selfish and inconsiderate throughout this entire ordeal,? he paused and bowed his head against her hands. Her wonder continued as she barely heard him murmur in a voice thick with emotion, ?I never once stopped to consider, well-? But he broke off there and didn?t look up at her again.

Shakily, she dropped to her knees in front of him and brought up a hand to brush her fingers against his temple. Her look was thoughtful, he saw when he raised his eyes. He let out a breath.

?I forgive you,? she said softly, feeling how wonderful it was to share a warm, real moment with Duo again.

He gave her a lopsided smile. Oh, it had been so long since she?d seen one of those! And then he uttered the most amazing words! ?That?s good, because the other thing I have to say is?wow, I feel like I?ve been waiting my entire life to say this?I love you, Hilde.?

This time she let out a breath, closing her eyes. He figured now would be as good a time as any to do what he?d been wanting to since seeing those softly parted lips today. One arm snaked quickly around her waist and brought her tightly to him; the other lifted his hand into her hair and behind her neck before his lips met hers, surely, determinedly.

She made a surprised sound in the back of her throat, which only caused Duo to hold her more closely, and felt grateful that she was already kneeling, for she was sure that otherwise her knees would have buckled beneath her. Even so, she clung to his arms to steady herself, happily kissing him back.

When they broke apart for air, both were equally in wonder and wore identical, foolish smiles. Duo said, ?Hilde-babe?geez, it?s been a long time since I called you that?I?ve missed you so much. These last months have been agony not being able to talk to you or have anything be the way it used to be.?

?I know,? she answered, ?but do you understand now why this was the best thing for us? I feel like I?ve really grown during our time apart. I got some of my priorities straight?I?ve been focused on school and where my life is going.? He nodded in understanding, gazing thoughtfully at her. Then shyly she asked, ?Is it really true that you-??

?Of course it is!?

Hilde laughed, ?But it took you so long to figure it out!?

His smile turned sheepish as he rubbed the back of his neck. ?You see, that?s why this has been good for me. If you hadn?t?ve left, then I don?t know if I?d have ever-? He shook his head. ?Damn! I am such an idiot!? He laughed with Hilde though, no longer caring. Then he rose and helped her up, kissed her again, more thoroughly this time, and ordered her to show him around her apartment. She laughed again, took his hand, and led him through her home with Max padding happily along behind them.

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The big question in life is the unhappiness one has caused; . . . the most ingenuous rationalizations will not help the man who has broken the heart he loved.
-Benjamin Constant

Love, like electricity or revolution or becoming, is a process (not a thing).
-Al Young

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To Be Continued