A Time of Mistrust- Chapter 1

[Dark Mistress]

Hey my name is Elizabeth and although it would be cool, I don?t own Gundam Wing. The owners did NOT like me trying to negotiate the $40 cash that I have for all of Gundam Wing?s fame. They turned me down and I was heartbroken, so I thought I?d write a story. Hehehe! This is my first time writing a story for BI, so please be honest about how it is.

[Relena and Heero are at a fancy restaurant. Relena has noticed that Heero is more fidgety than usual, but has deemed it unnecessary to ask about]

His heart was racing. He knew that in just a few moments, his life would change forever. He was entering unknown territory, and for the first time in his life, Heero realized that he was scared. He took a deep breath and?
?Relena, I have loved you for the longest time?I can?t bear the thought of life without you. Will you marry me??

Relena was taken aback, to say the least. She had not expected this romantic statement from the tough young warrior sitting opposite her. Heero saw her look of surprise and the pause was unbearable. He began to blush and his nerves almost exploded. But then the beautiful angel?s expression changed. She broke out in a little smile, and then a grin, and then?
?I have loved you too?yes, oh my goodness yes I?ll marry you!?

They both sighed/laughed in relief. The awkwardness had passed. Relena had so many thoughts flying through her head. She was so ecstatic that Heero felt the same about her as she felt about him. She saw so many doors of opportunity flying open, which would seem scary if she were by herself?but she would not be. Heero, her strength and her reason for waking up in the morning, would be by her side. Forever and always. It was the night she would never forget. For the first time in her life, she knew what true happiness was.

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The wedding was drawing nearer and nearer; six weeks to go. The church was reserved, invitations sent out, the caterers hired, and her dress, her beautiful dress, was to arrive the next morning. Life was good. She noticed that Heero laughed and smiled more often, and a soft new light was shining in his eyes. It made her heart burst with joy.

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Heero and Relena had agreed not to live together until after the wedding, to avoid tabloidal misunderstandings. It was almost 5:00 and Heero was coming over for dinner. Relena was setting the table when she heard a funny noise at the door. She went to investigate and found a strange man in her apartment. She was terrified. The man made advances that made her uncomfortable. He pushed her down on the couch and Relena was frantic. The man was so strong?she couldn?t fight back?but then she was saved! Heero walked into the apartment.
?Hey Relena, your door was open and-?

Heero stopped short when he saw the scene in front of him?nothing had actually HAPPENED, but it looked as if something were about to. At first he couldn?t believe his eyes. Then those same eyes hardened in anger. The man fled. He was not stopped. Then Heero turned and stormed out of the apartment as Relena screamed ?Heero no it?s not what you think! That man broke in!?

?Yeah right,? Heero thought, ?Isn?t that the way it always goes? ?It?s not what it looks like? my foot! I trusted her with something that I didn?t even trust myself with. How could she?!?

Relena was sobbing. She couldn?t believe that Heero hadn?t listened to her! Everything had fallen apart in an instant.

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The next morning, she found a package and a letter outside her door. She opened the package first?her wedding dress. She started crying all over again., but then her eyes came to rest on the letter. She tore it open; it was from Heero!

Relena-
I thought that you were above this sort of thing. I trusted you and loved you and this is what I get for it?! Consider the wedding off.

He hadn?t even signed it, but of course she knew who it was from and that she couldn?t live without Heero. The letter gave her the strength and the determination to pick up the phone.

[kmf]

Congratulations on posting your first story! And might I add that this is a very good first story. Romantic misunderstandings are an interesting topic to write about - you can make it sappy, humourous or angsty as the mood takes you. I thought that this chapter was a little jumpy in parts - at the beginning you explained how you were setting the scene which was one way to tackle it. Another would be to describe the restaurant, the time, the weather, or the clothes.

The paragraph describing how they were not living together could have been expanded on too - perhaps in a conversation between them, just to make that a little less jumpy. For instance after kissing (perhaps ^_^) to celebrate their engagement Relena could nervously mention that they couldnt live together because of the press until after the wedding, and Heero could reluctantly agree.

I also felt I needed some more explanation as to who this mysterious person was in the room with Relena and why Heero was so untrusting of her. Perhaps you could have introduced Relena getting flowers on a regular basis without a card saying who they were from - build up the tension in Heero so that he is suspicious with due cause.

All these are just suggestions, and I would like to say again that I am very impressed with your first posting! Well done, and I will looking out for more posts from you in the future ^_^