White Flag
An Inuyasha Songfic, and a gift to Waking Dreamer. It?s perfectly okay for an anime to make you cry!
Inspired by Episode 48 ?I Want to Go Back To Where We Met? or Volume 18, Chapters 175 and 176. Translations from Inuyasha- Sengiju o-Togi Zoushi at http://www.wot-club.org.uk/Inuyasha/
Note to readers: For those who haven't seen much of Inuyasha, although not completely necessary, it would really help for you to have seen the episode this fic was based on or have read the chapters. I would highly recommend getting ahold of either one before reading. The website mentioned above that I used translations from is wonderful! I just don't want anyone to be lost. Thanks!
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The day glowed. The hills of feudal Japan seemed unbelievably green and lush, and the air was much more clear and fresh than in modern times. Kagome breathed deeply and felt a refreshing infusion of calm, a feeling she hadn?t experienced in quite a while. She had just made one of the hardest decisions of her life. Not a day before, she had discovered she was in love with Inuyasha, and though he may feel for another, Kagome was determined to stay by his side. It was funny, perhaps she should have felt sad- and she had- for a time. But then...then something happened. It was love, and it often doesn?t make any sense.
I know you think that I shouldn't still love you,
I'll tell you that.
The light breeze picked up a little and tossed the girl?s raven tresses. It was a day like yesterday, and although a little less windy, still sunny and bright. She gazed over from her spot under the Goshinboku, the sacred tree, and her eyes fell upon the well...the place where she sat looking so composed as she confessed her desire to be with Inuyasha just a day ago. She couldn?t believe the words had come out so easily. And she knew Inuyasha might not have wanted to hear them. But she needed to say them.
But if I didn't say it, well I'd still have felt it
where's the sense in that?
Kagome was tired of pretending. She was going to hurt, but the girl supposed she would hurt more away from the hanyou than being second best and with him. It was all he could offer her- this shadowed place behind a vision of the past still haunting him, and Kagome understood that. It felt like too little, to only have a part of him, to want to do so much more than simply be with him, and have to catch herself before she asked too much. But it was enough...it had to be enough.
I promise I'm not trying to make your life harder
Or return to where we were
And ever since that night when she had found Inuyasha and Kikyo in a tight embrace, Kagome knew things had changed. Just by the look in Inuyasha?s eyes...everything had changed. Both forced to make a decision, Kagome knew they would end up wounded. Yet wounds heal soon enough if given the time. It had hurt her to run home, and hurt even more to return to him. And she wasn?t going to just forget what had happened. But she would go confidently down whatever path fate had chosen for her. That meant she would still wander through the past in search of sacred jewel shards, she would still go with Inuyasha, she would still love him...
Well I will go down with this ship
And I won't put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I'm in love and always will be
The sun sparkled as Kagome sat a distance from the shade of the great tree where she and Inuyasha had first met. She had chosen to stay in the warmth of the sun-melted grass, a perfect blanket on which to recline and think about all that had happened. Besides, she was quite tired due to the whole ordeal and thus deserved a much needed rest. Closing her eyes, Kagome enjoyed the moment to herself. Sango had relieved the girl of her usual babysitting duties and had taken Shippo for the day. Miroku, too, was gone, and dragged Inuyasha to the next village to investigate rumors of a spirit possessing young maidens. Actually, just mentioning young maidens would ensure Miroku?s assistance in any matter. Inuyasha normally wouldn?t have bothered accompanying him, as Kagome had sensed no jewel shards in the area, thus the village was probably just occupied with a minor, mischievous demon. Yet, the hanyou had gone, and the girl could only assume that the reason for her day alone was due to some wise words from Kaede.
After Kagome had expressed her desire to be with Inuyasha the previous day, even though they had walked hand in hand until they reached the rest of the group, there were still so many things unspoken...too many feelings that neither could define or understand. They had come to a point will no solid resolution, but both knew that they needed each other. Though their friends were thankful Kagome had agreed to stay, everyone had thought it best to give the girl space. Although she was not completely heartbroken, something still felt broken when the person she loved could not, or stubbornly would not, return those feelings.
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Inuyasha walked slowly through the countryside. Even though he usually preferred to quickly run through the forests, with the smell of trees and earth, the wind whipping at his face and hair--primal pleasures--he chose to return to Kaede?s hut at a lazy pace. A pace that matched the day, actually, as a tired breeze barely ruffled the trees along the country lanes. After spending a few hours watching Miroku flirt with every single woman in the neighboring village, Inuyasha had finally had enough. Disgusted with the lecherous monk, the hanyou had left him. Inuyasha knew he wouldn?t have been much help with exorcisms anyway, except when Miroku finally pushed his own luck, groped a girl, and would be chased off by a mob of angry villagers. Oh well, it would serve the bastard right, Inuyasha thought to himself and his walk grew increasingly into an irritated stomp, thinking back to the monk?s words on their way to the village earlier that day. Miroku always did like to gossip like a girl when it came to his love life, or lack thereof, the half-demon thought crossly.
?Kagome is quite the woman,? Miroku had said. ?Staying here with us after you acted like such a jerk. She knows you still love Kikyo and yet she?s here by your side. Wait--the fact that she actually likes you is the only thing that I wonder about. If she had real taste in men, why, I?m right here, ready and willing. And I certainly wouldn?t be so stupid to pass up a woman like that.?
Inuyasha actually surprised himself by letting Miroku get in so many words before he pummeled him. But the half-demon was still feeling out of sorts, and the lecher?s comments did nothing to help. What did he know about his feelings for Kikyo, anyway? Miroku had used the word ?love? but he didn?t understand their situation...
Inyasha let a troubled sigh escape him. It seemed his thoughts slowed him now. The incident with Kikyo and Kagome bothered the hanyou greatly. How could Kagome still think of him as she used to? He didn?t deserve to be desired by her, not after she was subjected to the scene of his embrace with Kikyo in the woods.
I know I left too much mess and
destruction to come back again
Inuyasha hadn?t known what to think when Kagome had appeared at the well. He had decided it would be best not to see her ever again. He thought so himself that day: I?ve decided to protect Kikyo. But with that, I can?t...There?s no way I can ask Kagome ?please come back.?* He might not be that bright on matters of the heart, but he knew that he had the uncanny ability to anger and hurt Kagome just as much as he seemed to make her as happy as everyone said he did. He wasn?t about to just wander into the future, demand the jewel shards and say, ?Oh, by the way, I don?t think we should see each other ever again?. Even someone as dense as he knew that would not go over well. But the fact still remained that he shouldn?t see Kagome. It wasn?t fair to her if he still needed to protect Kikyo.
And I caused nothing but trouble
I understand if you can't talk to me again
It seemed Inuyasha understood little, but he did know that after what had happened, Kagome probably wouldn?t want to see him or speak to him for quite a while. He supposed that was why he was so surprised Kagome had barely let him get a word in edgewise when they met at the well the previous day. But he was thankful, for he probably wouldn?t have said any of the right things anyway.
And if you live by the rules of 'it's over'
then I'm sure that that makes sense
The hanyou discovered then that he was so set on ending whatever mixed up relationship he had with Kagome due to his bond with Kikyo, he hadn?t thought of any other option. He hadn?t imagined Kagome would want him so greatly as to willingly stay by his side. Kagome did not seem to follow any of the normal rules when it came to these sorts of things. Why did she have to be so complicated, so compassionate, so completely understanding? And why did he find he loved her even more for it? Everything he was going to say left him at her heartfelt words, and he spoke from a place much deeper. ?Kagome, until I met you, I couldn?t trust anybody. But you cried for my sake. You were always by my side, for me. I enjoy it when you?re here. I feel at ease...?*
This girl brought life into his vacant heart. It was in that moment Inuyasha came to the startling conclusion that in all of his time with Kikyo, he had never felt so alive. Was this what love was like...true love?
He was getting a little too sentimental, the half-demon realized as he neared the village, and he cursed the bright sun beating down on his back for his sudden lightheaded feeling.
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The breeze caused Kagome to stir slightly. Still lying on the soft ground, she opened her eyes slightly, and was met with a wash of early sunset hues. The warm sun of the day was quickly fading, though its golden rays made a brilliant last show before it would fall over the faraway hills.
Kagome sighed deeply, knowing it was probably time for her to be going back to the hut. The day had been quiet and perfect, a time of meditation and reflection. It was exactly what she needed to reaffirm her decision to stay here.
It was such a comforting place, close to the earth, as Kagome watched a few leaves fall from the tree next to her. They took their time, almost as if in a slow dance, and found their place on the ground.
She was willing to fall too, Kagome thought, even if it was a long way down.
I will go down with this ship
And I won't put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I'm in love and always will be
The girl didn?t quite want the day to end. The only thing that would make it even better was if Inuyasha were with her. They never seemed to get many quiet times together, and it would be nice to talk with him, to make sure he was alright after the trying events of yesterday. After all, she had spent the whole of the day by herself, and the silly half-demon might think that meant she was upset again. He could be so dramatic sometimes. The girl smiled at the vision of Inuyasha that snuck into her mind. He could also be extremely caring, although he didn?t like the idea and always tried to hide his concern or worry over her with that temper of his. A half-demon did have to keep up an image, after all.
Kagome shook her head, her grin growing wider as she snuggled back into the earth. Only a few minutes more, then she would leave this place. The Goshinboku was now her special symbol of strength, and she felt better just being near it.
?When did I begin...to love him this much??* she remembered contemplating over Inuyasha while looking at the tree in her own time. Now, under the very same tree 500 years in the past, where she and Inuyasha first met, she decided she must have loved him all along. Funny, she only realized it yesterday, when he could have disappeared from her life forever.
Yes, when they met again, Kagome would surely let him know she meant every word she said that day.
And when we meet
Which I'm sure we will
All that was then
Will be there still
Inuyasha was a bit frantic when he returned to Kaede?s hut late in the afternoon after his ponderings and discovered Kagome was not there. Sango and Shippo had already returned from their day?s outings, and Miroku was expected back soon, probably with a nice collection of slap marks decorating his face.
Kaede, however, had not seemed worried that the girl was missing. The older woman noted Kagome mentioned taking a walk to gather medicinal plants earlier that morning. Everyone knew her walks always ended in the vicinity of the well and the Goshinboku, thus when a motion to retrieve the girl was offered, no one followed the half-demon shooting out the door in search of her. Even Shippo realized it would be a good opportunity for the two to have some time alone to sort out their feelings.
It took the red blur practically flying through the landscape only a short time to reach his destination. Kagome?s scent reached him even before he could see the girl. And sure enough, he was met with a small form as he neared the great tree where he had been pinned under a spell for so long. Thoughtless girl, he groaned to himself. Any demon passing through the area could have feasted on the delicate flesh of the defenseless young woman, and Inuyasha was about to let his temper get the better of him before he took a good look at the sleeping Kagome.
Gods, she was beautiful. The hanyou went still as he leaned over to study her sleeping form. She was a creature unlike any other, as the coming night caressed her equally dark locks. Her pale skin shone slightly silver under the new stars and emerging moon. She breathed lightly, though seemed to shiver a bit in the growing cold. As Inuyasha sat gazing at her, his warmth attracted the beauty even in sleep, and she unconsciously moved to snuggle into him.
The half-demon immediately stiffened at the closeness of the girl before relaxing back again. He gently moved them both closer to the tree. The thick trunk provided a nice support to lean against, and Inuyasha decided he might look at the stars awhile as Kagome still slept.
A breeze moved across the pair, and Kagome made a quiet noise in response.
?Inuyasha,? she mumbled ever so softly, yet the half-demon could hear her perfectly.
?Don?t go...? she faded off again, and his heart cringed at her words. He looked down at her, frowning at the concerned expression on her face, though she was still asleep.
He always seemed to feel so much at peace with her...except when she was hurting because of him. Could she really be okay with this arrangement? Could she really still want him when she knew he had an obligation to Kikyo? He certainly was having a hell of a time with it. His feelings towards Kagome were so strong. The girl had been right yesterday, when she had said she was completely different from Kikyo. In fact, he loved that she was different, because the truth was, he loved her. Kagome...this living, breathing girl was the one he desired, but for reasons of twisted fate, couldn?t have.
How could he make this easier for her? If things were different...if Kikyo?no, there was no use trying to change what had already passed. If Inuyasha could have had his way, he would wake the girl up right then and there and kiss her breathless. But until he finished things with Kikyo, it just wouldn?t be fair.
Kagome turned slightly further against him, mumbling something in her sleep, and Inuyasha felt himself grow heady from the flowery scent that she used in her hair. Shampoo, was it called? Whatever it was, it was a little less than intoxicating. Perhaps he could indulge, just this once. After all, she seemed to be having some sort of bad dream, and he needed to comfort her.
Inuyasha reached out to trail the back of his fingers against her cheek. Her skin was soft against his rough hand, and as a strand of her hair fell against his outstretched palm, he had to restrain himself from dipping his head down to touch his lips to hers.
But before he could contemplate any further actions, he saw the slightest flutter of her long lashes before the girl?s rich brown eyes began to open.
Inuyasha immediately drew his hand away from her and looked into the quiet night.
I'll let it pass
And hold my tongue
And you will think
That I've moved on...
He hoped she did not feel his touch and would say nothing about it in any case. Now that the girl was rising, he could finally take her back to Kaede?s hut, and, surrounded by people, be able to resist the temptations she unknowingly stirred within him. However, the planned silence did not last long...
Kagome, quiet unaware of her surroundings, reached out an arm to gain her bearings after her unexpected second nap. She was quickly brought out of her sleepy state, however, when a familiar voice snapped, ?Are you done groping me already??
Kagome noticed that, indeed, her hand was reaching right around the hanyou?s lap, and although he did nothing to deter it, Inuyasha still appeared flustered at the act. Embarrassed, the girl removed her hand and sat up, primly tucking her legs underneath her as she studied the half-demon sitting in front of her, though his gaze was now focused on the stars.
?Why?? the girl asked, finally wondering about his presence. ?What made you come here??
?What are you, crazy?? Inuyasha glared at her, more shocked than angry. ?What do you think you?re doing, taking naps alone in this demon country??
?I just...needed some time along to think, okay?? Kagome began to grow defensive, though fell silent, thinking of what she had meant to tell him, now that her perfect scenario had happened--somewhat--and Inuyasha was here with her.
?Well, since it?s apparent that I?m not needed here, I?ll just be on my way,? Inuyasha said a bit crossly, but not as cross as he usually would have been, and made to get up.
Kagome, however, caught him by the sleeve, and he turned back at her. Her eyes were pleading, and he obeyed their will to make him stay, as he crouched before the girl.
?No--that?s just it,? she sputtered, ?I...I do need you. After what happened yesterday, I hope you understand. I meant it- every word I said,? Kagome told him with determination.
I will go down with this ship
And I won't put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I'm in love and always will be
?I even meant the things I didn?t say,? the girl continued. ?All the while, I was thinking, ?I don?t know if I?ll be able to do anything, but...I?ll always be at your side.?*?
At this point, Inuyasha gently grabbed her by the shoulders. ?Kagome,? he said firmly, ?you have done more than anyone has ever done for me. I know...I know you will be here for me. But, it?s I who should be wondering if I will be able to do anything for you. I want to give you so much, but I am bound to her...I might die,? he said, making a reference to his oath to protect Kikyo until the end.
?But I would much rather die for you,? he thought as he looked away from Kagome, struggling to contain his feelings for her.
?There--there is something you can do,? Kagome said quietly after a time, and as Inuyasha looked back into her eyes, he wondered if they sparkled so brilliantly because of the reflection of stars...or were they tears?
?What is it?? he asked in a gentle tone he used but rarely.
A pause.
?Can you hold me like you held her??
The simple request made his heart break into what felt like as many shards of the Shikon Jewel. Inuyasha practically lunged at her, reveling in the excuse to hold her, wanting to express all of the desire he felt for her in this one wordless way...the only way he could. He had never hugged her this tightly before, nuzzling his face in her hair. He knew he might not have a chance to again for a very long time...eternity even. Although she might never know it, this was nothing like when he held Kikyo. This was life itself curling around him, mixed with the wonderful scent of the girl in his arms and the warmth of her touch, all creating one indescribable feeling.
It was hard for him to distinguish between love and obligation, but finally it seemed he had got it right. How he ever thought he could just let Kagome walk out of his life forever was unfathomable now. True, he would go on protecting Kikyo, but he would finally let himself love Kagome...even if it was kept only in the quiet of his heart.
I will go down with this ship
And I won't put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I'm in love and always will be
The girl seemed to sink into the sea of robes and down into the muscle of the hanyou, savoring the feeling of his arms wrapped tightly around her. She was drowning in his touch, her cheek pressed desperately against his chest, her own arms striving to embrace all of him. She lost herself in the red waves of fabric around them...deep down, she seemed to go, but never did she let go.
A bittersweet feeling ached in her heart, a sad sort of happiness that captured the moment. For all the while she was crying silently, she was smiling.
I will go down with this ship
And I won't put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I'm in love and always will be
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~end~
* denotes a line directly from the Inuyasha translation
AN: Man, even though there was still some of my infamous sap, that had much more angst than I usually write. Must go back to thinking about fluffy things now?or better yet?Fluffy himself. Mmmmmmm?
Um, that was kinda my first Inu fic and I haven't seen any of the most recent stuff, unfortunately just what CN is running now. So, if I've done anything that messes up the storyline, gomen. ^^;; Please feel free to let me know.
Thank you for reading!
)
I'm so sorry it's taken me this long!