Trying to get input on unfinished Song fic

[Dr. Iria]

This is a Quatre fic I started a long time ago and I'm having trouble finishing it. I want it to end with 4xR but haven't gotten to that point yet. My main proublem is I'm expermenting with a new style of writing and I think it's coming off as being way too flat and boring. Could you all help?
Any commits are welcome

Thanks - Iria
I'm moving on

Song by: Rascal Flats

> I've dealt with my ghosts and I've faced all my demons

With his right hand the young man felt the cold stone. Tracing the features
of an angel's wing he let out a sigh. He had many regrets, there were so
many lives lost because of his actions.

But this was the one that cut the deepest and never failed to keep him up at
night.

> Finally content with the past I've regret

With years to heal and go over his every move, every action, and every
thought he now realized that he could not think of a single thing he could
have changed for the better.

It was time to let go of the past.

> I've found you find strength in your moment of weakness

> For once I'm at peace with myself

Time was truly a balm to regretted mistakes; first you're numb, then all
the pain turns into a dull ache, just enough to never let you be completely
content, but not the same ravaging pain that makes you feel like the world
and yourself have gone mad. And then, eventually it subsides and you find
something good to focus on, like the wonderful people in your life. Peace
slowly creeps in.

> I've been burdened with blame trapped in the past for too long

The nightmares were the worst, the faces of those he killed never failed to
break his heart and torment his sleep and peace of mind. But of all the
faces etched into his mind there was none that had haunted him more then
this one.

Tracing the name of the man he had so admired, but failed in so many ways
tore at his heart. Like the features of the angel carved so perfect and
permanently for all time, the face of and last words of his father would
never leave him.

> I'm moving on.

Only now instead of haunting him they lighted up the path in life he was
going to follow.

In this world without Gundams, mobile suits, or other machines of mass
distrection Quatre would become the complete pacifist his father had wanted
him to be.

Iria's words had been correct, their father had fought up to his last
breath. But with his words and actions that would not breing harm to any
living being. Placing a bundle of carnations on the ground, directly in
front of the angel, the blond young man moved on with his life.

> I've lived in this place and I've know all the faces

In April of 197 Miss Relena and political guests in her home had been held
hostage by a terrorist group. Quatre had been officially made a Preventer
operative on the basis of his plan to rescue them.

At that time Quatre had grown bored with running his father's passed-on
fortune and was delighted with the change. But after two years of practically
living at Preventers HQ, the blond man was worn out.

The same rutien relived it self every day
At four AM Heero would come in and start typing away at a computer, trying to
track down suspects. His face was usually unshaven, his blue eyes tense with
'the hunt, and his hair mussed like he had not combed it after getting up.
He would stay at his computer until he had found his man or at least gotten
a good lead.

Une would come in shortly after Heero, her hair now cut to her chin but still
less severe compared to when it was pulled back in braids. She would demand
a cup of coffee from the newest recruit and then lock herself in her office
until others arrived. Then she would bark out orders and head for a press
conference, deal with other public relations, and keep a close eye on the
politics that might lead to trouble. Overall she was fair and not hard to
get along with, but she was the last person you wanted to get in a fight or
argument with.

Six and seven would bring in Wufei and Sally, reporting in at the usual hour
that all day shift Preventers were supposed to.

Wufei kept his now long, thin braid up in a hat; he did not like it when
people compared his braid with Duo's. Wufei was always well-groomed but
seemed to always be looking for a fight. It was only recently that he truly
accepted that the era of mobile suits was really over, but the Chinese man
never complained about it.

Sally Po, no longer Wufei's partner due to a raise in rank, could still be
seen having coffee with him every morning and talking over politics and
cases. She now had her hair in a bun at the nape of her neck, but other then
that she was the same caring, insightful, skilled, and dangerous woman.

About noon would usher in Duo. Usually working graveyard stakeouts, the
brown-haired young man looked like he just got up from a hangover. But
within half an hour he would be back to his cheerful, though pessimistic,
self.

Quatre did not see much of Trowa because the taller man was stationed in
space and only came to HQ to report once a month. The two were still friends
though, and Quatre would see Catherine and the rest of Trowa's circus family
whenever they were preforming on Earth.

> Each one is different but they're always the same

Not a one of Quatres friends wore their Preventers uniform exactly the same
way, each had a different taste in food, sense of right and wrong, what they
held most dear, and how they aproached everything life threw their way.

And yet... They all had the same heart beating inside of them.

No matter how times changed or how they changed themselves, they were all
fighters struggling to defend those weaker then themselves, loved ones, and
peace. For though they all gave so much of themselves and missed out on many
of the joys life had to offer not a one regretted it, cared, or was aware
that they were missing anything. They were soldiers, always meant to be and
willing to die that way.

> They mean me no harm but it's time that I face it

Looking around the room Quatre spotted Heero getting ready to leave, and the
blond wondered who Heero was going after this time. An everyday thug who
might have a hot tip if Heero's threats got through to him? Or some
brainwashed kid who had been trained to believe that blowing up Earth would
bring an end to all of mankind's suffering that Heero would have to shoot to
stop? Quatre had gone after and dealt with both kinds of people
and many others who were bent on ending peace, or thought that what was going
on was a false peace and for some reason believed that killing hundreds of
people would create true harmony.

Every time he went out, or watched someone else do so, he got sick. He did
not want to kill any more, he never had, but now he knew more than ever
that he could not go on with this job. He wanted to protect the peace
between Earth and the colonies; he did not want any more misguided people to
succeed in their plans. But he could not go on being the person stopping
them.

He had spoken to Une about the possibility of her finding his resignation on
her desk sometime soon. All she had to say was it was just a phase, that
given time he would move on out of it.

Move on, move on, the phrase stuck in his mind as he continued filling out
his paparwork. Yes that is what he needed to do. He would miss parts of the
job, like talking to Duo over coffee, or the reassuring knowledge that Heero
had his back and would not let him down. Sally's jokes and soothing
presence, Wufei's thought-provoking comments and wondering how the other
young man managed to always be a step a head of him in knowing what was
going on. Trowa's friendship and playing together at Preventer concets put
on to relieve stress. Even Une was someone he would miss, while not close to
her she had inspired him and shown him how much a person could change.

> They'll never allow me to change

But the truth remained, Quatre was different from them.

He had never been able to kill without remorse, even when on the Zero system
a part of him had grieved over every life he took.

He had finally gained peace in his heart and soul, had accepted his actions
of the past and moved on from them.

But what would that mean if he kept on with what he was doing? Quatre did not
kill in six months what he had killed in one while piloting a gundam, but a
life was still one of a kind and irreplaceable.

> But I never dreamed that home would end up where I don't belong

Preventer HQ and home was the same place to Quatre Raberbra Winner.

When he had joined the Preventers he had been excited. The chance to continue
to make a difference was a joy amidst the bad dreams. When kept up late at
night by the faces and voices of those he'd killed he would simply go to
work, no matter how late at night. He had let promotions pass him by because
he thought working in the field or doing research for Heero was where he was
most needed.

But now, recalling some of those promotions he wondered if he could be
keeping his home without continuing with his particular line of work.
How many times he had pulled out his hand gun in the name of peace Quatre could not count, he would try counting all the stars first, he had often times had to shoot a ranting lunatic who was holding a political hostage or claimed to have a bomd as a resualt of working in the field and not at a desk or in the Public Relations that Une had wanted to put him in charge of.

>I'm moving on.

It didn't matter, he was leaving now. With his resignation typed
up and signed, Quatre headed for Une’s office. She would try to talk
him out of it, however he was determined, he would not be persuaded out of his course of
action.

> I'm moving on,

Heero could not convince him that he would get over what
was bothering him. Sally could not talk him out of it, he had found peace and he wasn't going to let go by staying.
Wufei could not philosophize on the situation until Quatre was too confused to leave. Neither Trowa, Duo, Une or anyone else could sway him to stay. He was moving on.

> At last I can see

> Life has been patiently waiting for me

Taking a deep breath Quatre let it out slowly. It felt like he had been in a
damp cave with stale air until now, now the air was fresh and gave his step
an extra bounce.




> And I know there's no guarantee

> But I'm not alone

> There comes a time in everyone's life

> When all you can see are the years passing by

> And I have made up my mind that those days are gone

> I sold what I could

> And packed what I couldn't

> Stopped to fill up on my way out of town

> I've loved like I should

> But lived like I shouldn't

> And I had to lose everything to find out

> Maybe forgiveness will find me somewhere down this road

> I'm moving on.

> I'm moving on.

> I'm moving on.

[LibbyLu85]

A bit slow, but I think it's nice.
I do hope you're planning on finishing this.

[Nausica?]

Whatever the writing style you're experimenting with is just fine, I think. Descriptive, and yet not overly done. Sentence structure is good as well, with only the odd typo in there, though we all have our share of those, however religiously we read and re-read before posting

I think Libby's picked up on what's snagging your fic. It's pacing.

I've written my share of songfics, and I know one of the temptations is to write a paragraph or two for every one line of the song. And I've found that after trying to do that, the songfic's just too long and my point's been lost halfway through. See if there's stuff you can take out that isn't integral to the plot. I've also found that, having written 2 paragraphs for every one line of song, I came off as relying too much on the song to write the story. Now unless one line of the song is critical to your story, I think you could try to condense some of the lines. You've actually done this a couple times throughout the story, and it's not going to do damage if you do it a bit more.

Also, I don't know if you've picked one already, but try choosing a line of the song to slide the story into 4xR. I have a feeling that as soon as you get there, the pacing of the story will pick up.

Hope that helps, even a little. I wholly encourage you to keep writing. 4xR's are rare, and this has definite promise.