Anyone familiar with The Onion? This is obviously a take on their "Ask A..." series.
Ask a Gundam Pilot
Dear Trowa,
I have a big problem with my older sister, with whom I have to share a room. She is always taking my stuff, like my CDs and books and never gives them back. She also borrows my shoes and clothes. I tried talking to my mom about it, but she just tells me to ?be nice and share?. How can I get my sister to respect my property? Please help!
Frustrated Sibling
Dear Frustrated,
When fighting against a foe with a numerical advantage, you must take advantage of your superior firepower and maneuverability. First of all, impress everyone in the battlefield with a triple flip somersault. Then while they are still stunned from that spectacle, fire a barrage of machine guns bullets and hope your ammunition doesn?t run out. When all else fails, contemplate self-detonation.
Trowa
Dear Trowa,
I?m an attractive single woman, with a good job and a good sense of humor, but for some reason the only men I can attract are real duds. They are either 1) broke, 2) crazy or 3) both. I?ve tried joining social clubs to meet new people, but it?s always the same story. I?ve tried asking my friends to set me up. I?ve even put out personal ads and paid for a matchmaking service. None of the dates really worked out, and one guy even turned out to be a psycho stalker and I had to get a restraining order. What gives? Is there something wrong with me? I don?t understand! Help!
In Search of One Good Man
Dear Search,
A beast will only bear their fangs against someone they perceive as a threat. They are honest about their own feelings.
Trowa
Dear Trowa,
I?ve read your column for many years but never in my wildest dreams imagined that I would need to write to you. But I am desperate. My boss is a woman who thinks she is a good cook, but frankly, her food is inedible. The last time anyone tried to eat one of her creations at the company picnic, they were hospitalized with gastric trauma. I am due for a promotion, and my boss has invited me to dinner at her house. I?ve tried to decline tactfully, but she is very persistent. She won?t give me a promotion unless I accept the invitation. I don?t want to end up sick! But I don?t want to risk offending her and losing my promotion either. My family could sure use the raise. What should I do?
A Hostage of Culinary Terror
Dear Hostage,
Get out of my way. I?m going to self-detonate.
Trowa
Trowa Barton writes the syndicated column ?Ask a Gundam Pilot? which runs in 146 newspapers worldwide. He lives in a trailer with his sister, and part-times as a circus acrobat when not answering questions from the 10,000,000 readers who subscribe to his weekly column.
Ask A Gundam Pilot, the syndicated column
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