Losing Grip: No Reply!

[The Engrish Spy]

Losing Grip 3: No Reply
The Engrish Spy
Rated R

Disclaimer: I don?t own Gundam Wing or the lovely song that Yoko Kanno wrote for the Cowboy Bebop Movie.


-- I never got around to killing the dream?

I watched Relena as she stood at the podium. She was pale, and sallow looking. She was impeccable dressed yet she wore no make up to hide the dark circles under her eyes. It was almost as if she wanted the world to know that she was tired. When I used to come to these conferences I would listen in the shadows in awe of her. She was so young and precarious placed in the world of aged men and ancient politics. I did not know what to do to comfort her. I was lost myself.

She stopped slightly in her speech and looked in my direction. She gazed into my eyes. I expected the sapphire eyes to sparkle with joy when they met mine, but instead they were a steely grey that seemed all to dull. I brushed it off as a health problem. Relena was having those a lot lately. I watched as she sighed a little and then went back to her speech. I sighed myself but then returned to my detail. Keeping her safe was my ultimate goal.

-----------------
Like the perfect ending
It won't be long
Till everything I've ruined has seen me gone
In time, I pray you'll forgive me
Now you know the man I am
Can you forgive me?
-----------------

I was not in love with Relena when I practically rapped her on the couch that day. I saw her as a friend. A friend who could help me rebuild, become human. I did not know what drove me to sleep with her. It did not even faze me when I came too alone on the couch in her study. I just got up and dressed and went back to my detail.

I stayed far away from her. I think for the first time in life I took a vacation. I went to Hawaii but I did not enjoy it. Upon my return to the city I got a call from Duo Maxwell. A man who was the most annoying, most irritating man I knew yet I could still call him my best friend. He informed me that Relena was pregnant and thinking about getting rid of the baby. He suggested I stop her and for some ridiculous reason tell her that I wanted to help her have this baby.

I stood there stoic. All that could run through my mind was that I was not the baby?s father. I expressed it quite clearly to Duo which earned me a slap across the face from his wife, who had been standing a little away but heard everything. I would have expected that from Relena. I just turned and left Duo and his wife there. I left them with one thing on my mind? Was I doing the right thing?

-----------------
I fall
like the sands of time
like some broken rhyme
at feet no longer there
-----------------

Duo had no right to tell me what to do. Relena?s body was Relena?s body. She could choose what she could do. It was as if Duo had been reading too many of his wife?s romance novels that it had clouded his mind about a woman?s right to chose. But then I remembered him and Hilde had been trying for about a year to have a child. They respect life like that. I do not.

-----------------
If only I could call the rain to melt and wash away the pain you feel
I would
You gave yourself to me and showed me what the truth could be
For that, I say thank you
This was my life
It never made much sense to me
-----------------


Why did I constantly think of her? I did not love her. She was a friend I turned to in my hour of need. Friends are supposed to do that. Then why do I keep thinking of her? Why do I feel this almost disgusting feeling over my skin? She invaded my senses, my thoughts, even my heart. I needed to end this power she held over me. I needed to see her one last time. I needed to tell her that I was sorry. But what was I sorry for?

-----------------
With every lie that I lived
Part of me would fade
Into this empty shadow I've become
And now I feel so numb
I no longer know myself
But I still know you
-----------------


It was still early when I crept into her room. She should have been asleep but she was not. As I entered I heard the ruffle of sheets and the tossing of books, and other items onto the floor. As if she almost recognized me, she sat up in the bed. She looked at me with wide eyed innocence. She tilted her head to one side and then smiled.

?Who are you?? She asked sweetly.

I came closer to the bed. She was dressed in a flannel nightgown and she had tucked her legs underneath her chin. Her blond hair was dull in the barely lit room. I then noticed a dark substance on the tips of her pale tresses. She giggled and then like a child showing off a scar they received on the playground she showed me her arm.

Across her almost translucent skin were two ugly crimson marks that should have not been there. I grasped her arm quite harshly and she let a small yelp escape her lips. I examined them to see that they were deeper then on first notice and that one was still producing a small stream of blood from her already tired body. She pulled her hand in quickly and tried to sooth is like a mother would to a child.

?What did you do to yourself?? I finally forced myself to say.

She giggled again and then put a slender finger to her mouth in a shush movement, ?Don?t tell my brother. He would be upset.?

?What are you talking about?? I asked.

?See this,? she said and showed me her arms again, ?this is cut.?

I narrowed my eyes and looked at her, ?I know that Relena I?m not stupid.?

?I wasn?t suggesting that you were stupid,? she said trying to hide the malice she felt.

I could see her uncurl herself and then slowly made her way down to me at the edge of the bed. She was smiling at me. She produced the razor and began to wave it in front of me.

?Care to join me?? she asked in a whispered seductive voice.

I continued to stare at her. She was like a fallen angel. She was an angel that was on the verge of turning into a demon. I was shocked to say the least but I never expected her to be like this. She smiled at me and brought the razor to my own darker skin. She gently toyed with the blade leaving a small indent mark but not opening a wound. I continued to watch her.

She was suddenly closer to me. Her face just a mere inch from mine and her breath begins to caress my skin. I begin to feel my heart to speed up. Was it like this for her when I kissed her that fateful day that I sealed her fate. Her lips met mine in a silky yet agonizing kiss.

She then fainted into my arms.

-----------------
I call
and there's no reply
like some phantom cry
on ears too far away
-----------------


?She is experiencing regression induced shock. Relena has regressed to a period in her life where she is most happy. There is no telling whether she will come out of it. As for the cuts?? I was gone after he had explained what had happened.

I stood in the shadows near her door. I was her duty for the night. I just happened to catch the conversation that her brother and the doctor were having. The ironic thing was that the stress that the doctor was talking about was caused by me. There was nothing else but me. I had killed Relena Darlian, but I had not done it with a gun or an explosive devise. I had killed her with the one thing she wanted the most, love. It was this belief in a love that could work even for me and she was what took what was left of Relena and killed her.

Again I began a journey into my thoughts that I never noticed that Zechs was standing in front of me. I could tell from his face that he was not happy with me. I did not care. He was still imposing as he stood close to me.

?Why did you not spot this earlier?? he asked me.

I just shook my head. I never expected the pain in my back as I was tossed against the wall in an almost neck breaking motion.

?I know damn well what you did. You don?t think I?ve seen you do it before Yuy,? he growled.

?Do what?? I asked in a low voice.

?Lead my sister on. That?s what you did; you lead her to believe that you were the king of all. You led my sister on and where did it land her??

?Mars,? I replied in a wise guy voice that still displayed my insensitive nature.

It only landed me tighter against the door; I could feel my airways being cut off. It was getting harder to breath.

?It means that she will most likely spend the rest of her life in a mental ward. This is your entire fault Yuy,? Zechs snarled.

I blew off the comment and was dropped to the floor immediately as the sound of a woman clearing her throat caused Zechs to turn. There in a tailored suit stood Noin. She was slightly red in the face. Zechs gave one finally growl and then turned to leave. I was grateful that the ex-OZ solider had shown up when she did or other wise I would have been placed in one of the hospital beds tonight.

-----------------
I close my eyes and watch as my life passes by
The only thing I see is you
For all the times you walked the line for me and standing by my side
I say thank you
Here lies my life
It never felt that real to me
-----------------


She made no change. She continued to hide behind the fa?ade of a little girl of five. I had been relived of my duty by Zechs and was banned from the hospital. It did not stop me from actually making trips to her room at night.

I did this for almost a year. Most nights I would watch her sleep. Sometimes she would be up telling herself elaborate stories of a princess and her knight. Sometimes she could feel my presence while she told these stories and called to me. She would call me ?L'ange silencieux la nuit? or the silent angel of the night. Her face would light up if she saw me.

If she caught sight of me, which was instinctively a Relena thing, she would tell me at great lengths her day. If she had no real news to tell me she would tell me one of her elaborate stories. Sometimes she would drag me to the bed and then proceeded to huddle from the dank, cold of the room in my arms.

Though on a particular visit that she happened to be there she asked me what was my name. I could only look into the childlike disguise that hid the true Relena, with sympathy. I placed a hand on her cheek and then touched my forehead to hers.

?You know it by heart,? I replied.

She pushed me away and gazed into my eyes. It was like she knew the answer but could not say the words. I could not do this to her and myself. In visiting her I hoped to rid her of myself. I was hoping that after my first visit that she would just leave my mind forever. That was a mistake and look where it had landed me.

I was curled up with her. She had just finished telling me a richly complex tale about five men and their quest for justice and their love for the world, all except for one, who only did once he fell in love with an ambassadors daughter.

It felt wrong to be there, feeling what I was feeling. I did not deserve to feel these uncomfortable feelings that she stirred in me as I was with her most nights. It was wrong to want a mental disturbed person. It was almost as bad as necrophilia.

As she continued to gaze in my eyes, I saw the little spark seemingly dimming as she searched me for an answer. I could tell that she was coming out of her shell. She was becoming the Relena that everyone knew. I reached for her to pull her closer, to comfort her, but I was met with the resistant push of pale hands and the struggling twenty three year old, which was opening her mouth to scream. I fled the room for the first time in my life scared. But I did not know what I was scared for?

-----------------
You'll always mean so much to me
And there's no reply
And there's no reply
You'll never know how much you meant to me
Repeat the chorus
-----------------


I got a call a month latter after the incident. To my surprise I heard her voice at the other end. She was low as she began to speak to me. I could sense the stress and tiredness in her voice. She asked me to come to her estate. She wanted to see me. She wanted to talk to me. I said that I would be over.

I was led into her office. I head that she was getting better slowly. She was not like the old Relena. In fact Trowa had told me she was worse off. Though after the year sabbatical, she was some what better at concealing her emotions. When I looked into her eyes I could see my own emotions reflected back.

She sat in the chair at her desk, stiff and ridged. She looked directly at me and then down at the papers.

?It has been discussed between Lady Une and I that it would be better that you head up the Preventer?s headquarters on the moon.

I nodded my head and moved to stand. She quietly excused me and then stood up. I noticed that she move to the window.

?What?s the matter,? I found myself asking.

A tear rolled down her cheek and she turned towards me. I watch as she breaks into full tears. I have never seen this before and I do not know what to do. Shyly I put my arms out to her and I pull her into an uneasy embrace.

-----------------
I close my eyes and watch as my life passes by
The only thing I see is you
For all the times you walked the line for me and standing by my side
I say thank you
-----------------

I said it once that I would kill Relena but I never thought I could do it. I would call myself a coward and a lovesick fool for not killing her. But I did and I?m paying for it. We are trying to build a friendship again. It is not like I can give her the world. But if I could repair some of the damage I caused her, then maybe her life will be a little better. Maybe she will start to smile again. Maybe she will even find a man to fall in love with. I just want Relena to be Relena again, but do I even know what the real Relena is like? Do I even know what she was like?

-----------------
You in my life
it all meant so much more to be
-----------------

TBC?.

[lilac310]

(wipes the tears)....this is so angsty......please write more......and BTW, I like the part wherein Relena was like a psycho.....but i just wished u had elaborated on that topic even further,,,,,,anyways,,,,,,,,i like your story......angsty and all....Good Job!!!

[Leia Avenrose]

*dances, singing along to No Reply for the Cowboy Bebop Movie; Knockin' Knockin' On Heaven's Door* That, btw, is one hell of an anime movie. I fell in love with it! Especially the songs.

This story is great. As soon as I read the title, I drove through my 400+ songs of jpop/cpop/kpop/anime/game music and got the song as I read the story.

Well done! Somewhat angsty, but I loved it all the better!

Continue soon, onna, I wish to read more upon this story of yours. Psst! *whisper* Make Relena a complete psychopath because of Heero. Don't have her take her own life...yet, do something much MORE drastic then that.... one word of advice, I do this all the time though, NEVER kill off the MAIN characters.

~Leia

P.S. Do you think us authoress' would follow such a plan? Tch!

[kmf]

*sniffs* This was so very sad. Whilst I felt sorry for Relena, I felt more sympathy for Heero. Although he was the cause of this problem, he dedicated himself to her during the year she was ill (even in secret) and I felt that was very touching.

Im curious; will there be a third installment?

kmf *still sniffing*