Rating: R (Mature Subject Matter)
Authors Notes: Ok so I came up with a better chapter. More Angst *dodges the manga and boxes of pokey that are thrown in her direction*. Sue me. I need some ideas bounced off me on how to start Heero?s part in this story. I?ll credit you and you will be rewarded with all the praise I could give you? This could mean a spiffy button to put on a webpage!
Engrish
Disclaimer: I do not own Stabbing Westward or Gundam Wing. They are not my but I wish they were?
I sat at in my office, looking out the window to the sunny garden. It had been over two months since I had seen Heero. He had once again disappeared into the void, leaving me alone with myself and my dead spirit. The green couch was removed as it reminded me of a tryst that should not have happened. I never noticed the ancient grandfather clock in the corner began to chime the time with accurate precision. Nine chimes rang out in the room and I was oblivious to them all. The sound of the door startled me from my reverie. I turned to look almost expecting to see a familiar face. I almost expected a friend from the war or even a close confident that I had made while attending St. Gabriel?s in Newport.
I sighed as it was only my secretary coming in with a tray and my mail. She made some witty comment about the fact that if my mail kept coming in the gray lock boxes that the Preventers used to transport the top secret documentation that the general public would begin to think I was the Queen of England. I did not laugh, I could not laugh. That part of my soul had been taken away two months to the day.
She bustled over and handed me a cup of earl gray tea and I accepted it. I turned back to the window as she sat down to read me my upcoming schedule. There meetings, conferences, speeches, rallies, and even some time off. She looked at me when she mentioned the time off.
?Miss Relena, I also scheduled a doctor?s appointment for tomorrow,? she said.
I turned to face her, ?Why?? I asked not caring.
?You rarely eat and you look much more pale since the last time you had a physical and I believe that was at the end of the Eve wars Miss Relena,? she replied.
I nodded not having the physical and mental strength to argue it. I never had any since I died two month ago. I never had any in the first place.
~*~
you make it hard to breathe
it's as if I'm suffocating
and when you're next to me
I can feel your heartbeat through my skin
it makes me sad to think
this could all be for nothing
I wish there was a way
a way for you to see inside me
I've never felt this way
about anyone or anything
TELL ME
~*~
It was a routine physical for a woman my age, so I expected the question most doctors would ask a woman my age. Are you sexually active? I said that I had but that was not me. I do not know what possessed me to say that but I did. Once I did, though I was put through tortures that most women go through at my age. It was only until today that the physical hit me. I was informed that I was carrying a child. I had life growing within me. I was disgusted with myself. I was about to carry a child for a man that would never care to know about it. A man who was barely an adult himself and yet I was barely a woman as well.
The doctor gave me the name and a number to call in case I wanted to dispense with my problem. He told me in a coy voice that they were very discreet and practically the best. I had to hold my stomach as he told me this. The man was suggesting that I, white dove of peace give up on a life.
I hung up and sat down at the desk. I was shaking, crying and worst of all really considering going the route many would be mothers of years gone by would do if they could not support the child, or love it. It scared me to think that I could not love this child. But then I considered the fact that every time I looked at it, I would be reminded of the death its father caused me. I would leave the child with nothing but hate and malice. I would only cry and be unresponsive every time the child asked me something. I would not be the perfect mother. But what right did I have to take away the life of a child.
~*~
What do I have to do
to make you happy?
What do I have to do
to make you understand?
What do I have to do
to make you want me?
And if I can't make you want me
What do I have to do?
~*~
I was close to a decision in a matter of days. I had talked to many people, careful not to let it slip that Heero was the father. But somehow he knew. Somehow Duo managed to drag it out of me. I broke down and tears, making him promise not to tell Heero. I found out later after he left the Peacecraft mansion he contacted Heero and told him that I was carrying a child. I never heard from him though. I almost wished he would come stop me. But he did not. I gave up hope then and there. It did not matter. Who would want a woman with silly hopes and dreams anyways?
I went to the clinic early in the morning as not to alert the press. I had the procedure done and was back at home lying in bed resting. The only thing the world knew of was that the Vice Foreign Minster was sick and was off on a well deserved vacation. I rested in bed, tried to sleep and forget my problems. The fact of the matter was I had the most blissful sleep in my entire life due to pain killers with a sedative laced in it.
~*~
know exactly what you're thinking
but I swear this time I will not let you down
I'm not as selfish as I used to be
that was a part of me that never made me proud
right now I think I would try anything
anything at all to keep you satisfied
God I hope you see what losing you would do to me
all I want is one more chance, tell me
~*~
I never did anything more then cry that entire week. In fact it was a period in my life that I cried the most. I had never really cried this much since I was a child. I do not remember being a spoiled child who would cry for everything if they did not get it. I only cried to communicate fear and hurt but I gave that up early on. I tried to be strong for every one. I tried to keep my feelings in check. As I cried I thought of my empty womb, I thought of all the people who had died in the wars. I even contemplated what it would be like with out me here to hold the fabric of the ESUN. I cried for everything and every one. I let the damn of emotion go. I admitted to myself that I was week. I admitted that I was not strong enough to go. Heero Yuy contributed to that. I knew that I was only here to make him happy, that was all I wanted to do, and for a little time I did. I made him happy.
I traced the picture of my brother and sister in law. It was a picture of them on their wedding day. It normally sat on desk in my home office, but now it sat with me at my bedside. In tracing it I tried to picture what my brother would feel if I was gone. I came to the conclusion that he would not miss me nearly as much as Noin or his daughter. In fact I figured that I would not be missed at all.
I was a woman, a woman who was an empty shell. I wore a mask for each function not knowing what or who I truly was. I was only used. I was used by everyone. I was used by my parents, my adoptive parents, my brother, the Rommefellar Foundation and then White Fang. I was used by the Barton Corp. and by the ESUN. Lastly I was used by Heero Yuy, and the reason why is because I am not a person at all. I am only a doll that is fragile, delicate and tastefully dressed. I will do anything people tell me and I am willed into doing with me what they will. They beat me, they hurt me and lastly they kill me.
Well they were not going to do anything to me now. I would do it for them. I would kill the image that they had so preciously created, the image he precariously created. I did not want to be the dove of peace. I wanted peace of mind and the only way to do that was through death.
I would kill myself?I would be forgotten?I would be free.
~*~
What do I have to do
to forget about you?
~*~
TBC?
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