Dedication: To every member on BI!
Make Up Your Mind
By: Lynzi Knight
Rating: R/ NC-17
Part II: Death is Always the Option
I used to look up to you, used to respect you. Why had I done something that stupid? Why had I done the things I had done? To gain your respect? To get you to like me? Or were I just showing off, and all of it for nothing, too? Perhaps it was all a waste, loving you, protecting you, and trying to match up to you. Even now, as I say that I finally understand you, I don?t follow you at all. Isn?t that scary? I hate you, do you hate me? I had never seen you cry, but if you could, I know you?d be doing so now. Do you even feel as alone as I do, with no one to hold, cherish? Wouldn?t you like to have something like that in your life? I hate you, I see it now, but I?ll always forever go on missing you, loving you, holding you dear to my heart. I hope you can see past the crimson wall of hatred and misery that barricades your heart from me, and notice my pain, my tears, and my wails of torment that you have caused me. I detest you. I love you. Hate me. Love me, but do not see the real part of me that shines brightly behind the veil of sorrow.
Footsteps, soft, silent, came alive immediately. Moonlight flowed into the room in small shafts of calm light. The room was lit from the natural light of one of the many celestial beings that sat high in the dark, diamond filled skies. Something creaked in the darkness. A dark figure rose, stepping in front of the window. The room was suddenly bathed in bright light, as someone threw the switch to the overhead lights. Startled aqua eyes stared hard into deep emerald eyes, which told an endless story, the color of a bottomless ocean covered in a layer of murky algae.
The blond-haired man opened his mouth, about to protest heatedly at the intrusion. The man with clear jade eyes brought a hand up, silencing him quickly. ?There is no need for alarm. I only came by to inform you that she was found.? His eyes spoke the message better.
?Are you positive about this one? And coming around at two in the morning gives you no right to tell me this when you could?ve done it by phone.? He shook his head. ?Trowa, why haven?t you been home lately??
Trowa Barton of the L3 Colonies in the L3 Cluster held his questioning gaze with a dead stare. ?Calling would?ve proven futile. Coming here, in person, proved a better response on my behalf.?
Quatre Raberba Winner squinted in thought, and then crossed his arms over his chest. He went back to the chair beside the window, sitting down unhurriedly. He quietly gestured to the chair across from him. ?Sit. Please, Trowa? I?m sure you?ve had a long, tedious journey?? He reached for the phone to his left, picked up the receiver.
?There is no need for that. I will not be staying long.? He took the offered chair, a grateful look lifting the grim look from his eyes.
Quatre observed him in silence a moment longer before speaking. He set the handle down, a look of understanding clouding his eyes. ?What about Ms. Relena, Trowa, what have you heard??
?I only saw.? He paused, looking out the window. ?Exactly alike in, not only looks, but traits.? He shook his head. ?You?d be surprised at what you would see. Everyone else was stunned into silence by what they saw, before the doctors took her into ER.?
?How bad was she??
?Bad enough for overnight observation.?
?Any wounds, serious injuries??
?Quite a few,? Trowa commented in a low voice.
Quatre lowered his head, putting a hand to his forehead. ?What will we tell him?? He looked up, the expression floating in his eyes, shocking even him!
?We will tell him nothing. He had no need to know, nor any right. He has forfeited his privilege to be apart of us a long time ago. This situation is confidential, and should be kept between us. He is no longer one of us, you must come to understand this.?
?But he is one of us!? Quatre burst in a trembling voice, nearly shooting to his feet. He kept his hands clenched in tight fists on his lap.
Trowa held him down with a glare all too well-known. ?He?s away on business, anyway. He?s too far away, and I?ve already tried to contact him. I?ve had no use, I couldn?t get through the static.?
?How will we tell him?? Quatre whispered, his eyes taking on a far away look deep within.
?We won?t. Heero is in no condition to hear of such news. If you think that would shock him, wait till you hear about the even bigger news.?
?What do you mean? What bigger news could there be then this, Trowa??
?There will be another.?
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
My life is hard, but you don?t care. I hated you, but now it?s over. Our love, whatever that was to you, has faded. The only love I?ll ever give is for the child, our child, your child. Had you known, was that was the sole reason you left me that night to not return at all? Had your hate for me gotten so strong it changed you mind about what we could?ve accomplished and us? I wish I could understand. It kicks, it hurts, I cry all the harder. Had you not endured such pain, you?d have stayed with me forever and ever, would you not? Do you still love me? Remember that I?ll love you, and I don?t know why, when you treat me so cruelly, like I?m just a piece of shit worth a good pounding every once and a while. It?s all just so complicated and you?re so complex. We fit as one, as we should.
Standing in the window, she stared out with a bleak look. School had been a drag for the last couple of weeks. She hadn?t gone, only because of her fears of actually spotting his ghost that still haunted her, the places they used to go, used to make love. She hated it, yet loved it only because it was really he, his true soul being poured into her. He had let everything go just for her, and now, she didn?t give two shits about it. She laid a hand to her stomach over top of the soft fabric of her nightdress.
She thought she could feel the life quiver through her, reach up to her mind, caress her broken heart; trying to mend it with unborn emotions, love. Whatever was she to do about her future? What about the being inside of her, the unborn child that lay within her womb, drinking her life from her very soul? Her eyes slid shut slowly as she felt the recognizable sting warm her face, bring a heated flush to her pale cheeks. A tear did nothing to cool the heat of fire pulsing through her body, through her blood, her very veins.
She just didn?t care anymore, not yet at least.
Rain pelted the glass. The steady, soft beat of the water drops against the window didn?t bring her heart at ease, didn?t bring it to harmony with her. No one knew, she made sure of it. Her doctors were always keeping in touch with her, making sure she was in good physical shape and prepared for what would change her life and send her into a virgin parenthood. She lied to them continuously. She wasn?t healthy. She wasn?t ready.
Indescribable emotions soared through her, bringing more tears to her face, more pain to the dull throb that was already left over from her previous ache that remained. She didn?t care. Why should she? At that moment, the urge to run from her room, her isolation that kept her somewhat sane, and punch herself in the stomach, and then throw herself down the two flights of stairs, was strong. It was astonishing, what she felt like doing with her life at that very moment.
She wished to end her sorrow, her ache. Everyone who knew would passionately understand, but yet object to it.
Thunder crashed overhead, rattling the windows, causing the pictures hanging to shudder. Intense lightning flashed high in the skies, jagged arms reaching far, as they shot across the dark clouds. She saw the illumination through the closed lids of her eyes. She let them open, everything blurry and dithering. Her fingers stroked her flat stomach, her mind knowing what was there. Shaking her head, she turned away from the windowpane, letting the curtain fall back into place. The room was bathed in darkness, the only light giving comfort, the little lamp beside the large bed.
She hated that bed for countless reasons.
She faced the figure leaning against the wall, left to the door that she locked everyday. Deep blue eyes glowered in the semi-darkness that shrouded them, the room. Anger was evident, pain was there as well, but another emotion that ran deep poked through as well.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
I tried not to let it get to me, but it was too much. I cried and I cried, over and over, thinking I?d not be able to handle such a burden on my unsteady shoulders. I wished at that moment that you?d disappear, but at the same time, I had wished that you would stay to help me get through it like the past situations that had shaken me, us. I remember the way you had looked at me, your eyes a deep blue, like a sky untainted with clouds, just clear. You were angry, sad, in love. Me, I was depressed, worried and full of anger that made me hate you. Why had you done it like that, in that way? Why had you bothered to hurt me with such words, looks that made me shrink back into the shadows? I never understood only for the reason that you didn?t care, didn?t love anymore. I was alone. I am alone.
?I?m sure you?ve heard of what was found, how it was established and how it?s being handled now,? Colonel Une murmured under her breath. She glanced down at the papers in hand, her eyes roaming quickly over the names scribbled in chicken scratch.
?Yes. I have, I was there.? Noin shook her head, running a hand through her dark hair. Her mind was filled with thousands? of questions, answers to those questions. What was she going to do now? ?He wasn?t too thrilled.?
?I would imagine so,? Une muttered despondently. ?What does she look like?? Her eyes found the dark ones of her friend.
?Like her mother, like her?sister.? Noin swallowed thickly, silently wishing they?d get off the topic. She looked around the room, then over to the window outside where the lightning lit everything brilliantly.
?And her brother, does she appear to look like him in any way??
?She has his determined attitude that we all know so well.?
?Great,? Une growled, ?just what we need, another portion of the family unit.?
Noin hid a smile behind a hand. She shrugged. ?Does it matter so much? Why??
?She already has proven to be a terrible threat to us, to the Vice Foreign Minister Darlian. She will be placed in a soundproof room, where there is no window.? Une gave her a grim, solemn look. Her brown eyes were dark, full of anger. ?I will have no arguments from them, both, understood? Nor will I tolerate anything out of you pertaining this serious situation.
?This will change our lives, Noin, probably killing us in the end.?
Noin swallowed again. She couldn?t help it; this lady had placed fear into her heart once. She knew she was willing to do so another time. ?I understand, but I do not comprehend how she can be a threat.?
?You?ve seen her,??Une shot to her feet??you know the dangers of this woman. Although she appears to be the same as her sister, she is nothing at all like her in the area of her people. Relena?s sovereignty will be put to a test one of these days. She may even be unsuccessful with the way she?s going. Have you even seen her lately, Noin??
?No. I?ve heard from Zechs, however, that she is fine.? She shrugged. ?Ms. Relena appears to be doing just well, a lot better then last week, and then the one before that.?
?Yes,? Une whispered. She then shook her head, her eyes lowering to the top of her desk. She brought her body back into the plush leather chair she had shot up from earlier. ?But it isn?t over yet.?
?What do you mean?? She felt her heart bounce over a beat at the words.
Une lifted her head, her eyes full of alarm and rage mixed in one. ?She will overcome us, that much I know. The Vice Foreign Minister will do nothing of this outcome. We will all be lost. There is nothing that we can do about it either. Why? The only reason that I can think of is because our former Queen is dying, along with the child that that vile man had planted inside of her.
?Without a Queen to rule, her kingdom will collapse. We are utterly defenseless to the clutches? of our enemy, and they are right under our noses.?
Continued?
