Goats and Sex

[Melville's Best Friend]

Goats and Sex
By Melville?s Best Friend



?I saw the funniest shirt today? Dorothy said. The girls huddled around her in class as they listened. Relena and Hilde were used to Dorothy?s bombastic ways, so they knew what she had seen was a little vulgar in some way or another. Hilde smirked, and Relena rested her hands on her chin. Dorothy continued.
?On the front, the shirt said, ?I wish I were Barbie?, and on the back it said, ?the b---- has everything?. I laughed so hard I thought I was going to pee!? exclaimed Dorothy.
?Well, if you were Barbie, it wouldn?t be all that fun. You may have everything, but there?d be a lot you?d miss out on.? Hilde stated. By this time, Heero, Duo, and Quatre, who were sitting at the table behind them were all ears.
?What do you mean by that, Hilde?? asked Relena.
?I mean, that she ain?t got no holes where she needs ?em.? Replied Hilde. Duo stifled a laugh. Quatre turned a dark shade of red. Relena looked at Hilde in a questioning look, obviously not understanding.
?It means she can?t have sex, Relena.? Dorothy summarized.
?Oh?dear?Well?I actually have a question.? The girls were all ears, as well as the boys.
?It?s suppose to hurt a girl the first time, right??
?Right.? They said in unison.
?Well, what happens on the honeymoon?? Relena questioned.
?What do you mean?? asked Hilde.
?I mean, what if you?ve never done?it? before, because you were waiting for your wedding night, and you expect so much just because of all you?ve heard about?it?and your honeymoon?s ruined because of?it???? she gasped.
?Well, I don?t know. I?ve never done it before. Duo and I are waiting until we get married. Do you know what to tell her Dorothy??
Dorothy smiled, aware that the boys had been listening. Although she knew how to answer, she figured she?d have fun. ?Hey, Heero?? she shouted. In a flash, they guys were at the table. She was a little shocked at how quickly both Heero and Quatre had responded. Duo, on the other hand, was as predictable as a dog.
?We have a question, that I assume the Gundam pilots were taught. I?m sure you all know about the anatomy ?? At this time, Relena had turned completely red, and was trying to take the attention away from herself. Heero?s eyes followed her every nervous movement. ?Relena wants to ask you something.? Hilde chimed in. All eyes turned towards Relena. She had to play it off?
?Does it hurt? the first time a female goat has?um.. goat intercourse?? she asked.
Duo was about to die of laughter, as were the girls. Dorothy almost peed in her pants. What shocked them all more was when Heero answered.
?It depends on the goat.? He said. Hilde had to leave the table, and drag Duo out by his braid. He had laughed so hard, he?s knocked himself out. Relena looked at Heero with questioning eyes.
?Every goat is going to be different. But if the goat is worried about that, she should just stretch herself out before; to get ready for goat intercourse.? Now it was Dorothy?s turn to leave. By this time she?d peed.
?There are books the goat could get, too.?
?What if the goat had been waiting all her life for ?goat time?, and so, she had all these glorious expectations, and she wanted to tell the boy goat how much he meant to her, but it all ended in a lot of pain for the girl goat?? she asked. Quatre had fainted a long time ago, and the rest of the crew was still gone.
?The first time the goat shouldn?t expect fireworks,? he reached for her hand, and placed her hands on her heart. ?It will be magical to the mind, and especially to the heart? he said, and let her hand down. ?The goat?s not going to be , like ?wow! That was amazing! I can?t believe that?wow! I mean, wow!? It won?t be like that the first time, especially if both goats are inexperienced. The goat will leave with the bodily feeling of ?hmm, okay, I just did it. Alrighty.? Does that answer your question?? he asked.
?Yes.? She said quietly, obviously embarrassed. ?Sorry I brought it up.? She stood up to leave the classroom, and go to her locker. (the teacher was asleep, so they were all skipping) ?I?ll see you later? she said, and left. He smiled to himself before he picked up his books, and followed after her.
The End

Disclaimer: I don?t own Gundam Wing or its characters. I do however own the fact that this story actually happened to me, and I thought it would be very funny if Relena and Heero were put in me and my teacher?s positions. The conversation actually did start with Barbie, and did move on to sex, and my friends laughed their heads off when I asked my teacher, who?s a girl, and is 5 years older than me, and I?ll be attending school with her next year. So! Anyway, I thought I?d enlighten you all with my story. So, no exactly Christmassy, but, whatever. Have a Merry Christmas, and a happy New Year, you guys!!!!

[blackrose]

Ack! How embarrassing!

*snickers* I think Yuy goat wanted the Relena goat, if you ask me. And why the hell won't there be any fireworks, Yuy? *smacks*

Wait. How the heck do YOU know, Yuy, what a girl will feel like the first time? *smacks smacks smacks*

This was fun!

Love,
Rose

[Morrighan]

*snickers* Well... I can certainly see where your mind was, Rose!

Morrighan: *smacks Yuy* Ya better not of done the horizontal mambo with anyone!!
Heero: *glares* *mumbles* Did not.
Morrighan: *rolls eyes* Sure... I believe you... What about all the time you've been with Relena on the forum, hmm??

[Melville's Best Friend]

I have an announcement:

*Gathers her papers at a desk like in the news...*

Good evening, and welcome to Goat Line on CBA. I have here a confirmed report on the happenings of the man and woman and the goats in this story. Melville's Best Friend is on the field with live coverage, Melville?

Yeah, I'm here, Kat.

Can you tell us what's been going on?

Yeah. As you can see behind me, these goats are protesting to what Heero Yuy claimed. They want to know how he knows about goats, and if he's a spy. I have with me Heero Yuy. Heero, is there a comment you want to make?

HY: No, I think everyone knows that I don't spy on goats.

MBF:Yes, well, how did you know all that information?
HY: I was taught by my wellness teacher way back when.
MBF: I see.
HY: I also want to withdraw my statement of the 'no fireworks'. It seems I was mistaken.
MBF: I see. So who was the lucky goat, I mean girl?
HY: *grabs the camera and throws it to the ground*

The picture is gone, but we can hear well. MBF seems to be screaming about injustice, the goats are crying, and Heero seems to be shouting curse words.


Thank you for joining us. Tune in tonight at 7 for the evening report.

[Gundam Girl]

Perhaps, when sleeping out in the wilderness during the war...Heero had a vision of Relena while sleeping... Well, he happened to be sleeping near an anonymous pack of wild goats...
Oh screw that! That's just sick...
*smacks Yuy with Morrighan and Rose*
-GG

[Melville's Best Friend]

I don't know why I write about goats. I don't even like them. They're not as cool as, oh, let's say, a sloth. A sloth would be my favorite animal. I have a sloth named Melville. Sloths sound like children screaming like they're being attacked and killed. Don't look at me, I've never heard it. My friend from Africa told me. She's heard 'em. It scared the crap out of her when she first heard it. Why am I writing this?
~MBF

[Fatimai1]

:x why can't there be fireworks man?! The title of the fic was so interesting i had to read it!!! and that was so0o embarrassing

[AngelOfDeath]

Ha! That she brought up goats was funny enough.... that Heero kept running with it..... heh

[Shooting Gundam Star]

I say H@^^ with goats! Go get her Heero. And you better make shure there are fireworks!

[SimplyTurquoise]

Goats and Sex *shudders*

Relena Goat ask Heero Goat about Human Sex.... okay... it sounded funnier in my head!

If only it had been Lamas... er... lamas are nice...

*cough*