Amour 10

[zapenstap]

Amour

Chapter 10

By Zapenstap

Heero crossed his arms and glanced expeditiously around the room.

Beside him on the couch, Duo was chewing on a toothpick. On Duo?s other side, Wufei leaned back in his Preventor jacket with his feet propped on the coffee table. From the other side of the coffee table, Trowa was flipping through a magazine. Quatre was seated beside Trowa?in a suit?with a glass of water at his elbow.

For the first time in quite some time, all five of the former Gundam Pilots had been corralled into one room.

Heero hadn?t seen the others all together since? well, since Relena?s birthday party.

He had never firmly come down on how he felt about them. They were comrades. That was a given, without question. They had faced death together. They had achieved victories. They had suffered defeats. He had come to trust each of them, which was something; it had been difficult to learn. But were they friends? Friendship was one of the things he struggled to put into practice.

Duo was the first to speak. ?Why are Wufei and Quatre here? I thought they weren?t at risk.?

He wasn?t addressing the pilots. They were not the only people in the room.

?This is a critical time,? Une told them. ?Things have changed.?

?And given that, we felt it was a worthwhile precaution,? Noin added.

Une and Noin stood side by side in Preventor uniforms, facing the pilots as a commanding team.

Heero waited, knowing more was coming.

The arrival of Commander Une and Lucrezia Noin had been unexpected. Heero, Duo, and Trowa had been awake when the pair arrived on their doorstep with Wufei and Quatre in tow. It was pouring down rain, but Heero surmised that wasn?t why they wore cloaks that obscured everything but their eyes.

Une gave them all a level gaze. ?We have intelligence that the prototype being developed by the enemy is nearing the final stages. Furthermore, we have learned it is equipped with a functioning Zero System. They wanted Gundam Pilots before. Now that their system works, they really need them. You know how dangerous that system is.?

Heero leaned back against the couch and crossed his arms. The Zero System. That explained Quatre?s presence for certain. The Winner heir was more at risk now, along with himself, if this terrorist group was really serious about capturing a pilot familiar with the Zero System to run tests on the weapon they were building.

?Why Wufei?? Duo asked. ?Shouldn?t he be with the Preventors? That should be safe enough.?

?It?s unclear how much they know about you individually,? Noin said. ?There are records on your activities during the war, but there are gaps. They know some of you operated the Zero System. It?s possible they assume you were all experts.?

?I never mastered it,? Wufei said, ?but I can handle it better than someone who has never experienced it. Even so, it annoys me that I have sit out for a reason like that.?

?We thank you for your patience,? Noin told him. ?We know that all of you would rather be directly involved. We appreciate your understanding as to why it is essential you lay low, given that the five of you are targets. Allowing you to be operatives puts everyone at risk.?

Une nodded. ?Descriptions of each of you are in circulation and are extremely detailed, down to your behaviors and facial expressions, as well as the people you know and all the places you have worked or lived. The bounty to be paid to anyone who can bring information about your whereabouts is substantial. The price has doubled recently. For this reason, we thought it necessary that all of you be brought together and kept out of the fighting toward the end of things. We have also stationed a watch on the people close to you.?

The people closest to them. Did that include Relena?

Heero spared a moment of concern, concern that he hadn?t been careful enough, that despite all odds, the depth of his involvement with Relena would be discovered. As far as most people knew?as far as Noin or Une knew?her connection with him was tentative these days, a relic of a former era when things were less safe. Of course, it wasn?t a secret that she was important to him, or that she had feelings for him, or even that they had...dated? briefly?years ago?but it was unlikely she would be targeted over such a tremulous connection.

He focused on that point. She would not be an easy target in any case, given her celebrity and political significance. Targeting her would be dangerous, risky, and expensive. If it couldn?t be confirmed that she was personally important to him, as well as politically, she wouldn?t be worth it. It wasn?t her feelings for him that mattered, but his feelings for her. A few years ago he would not have worried, but now...

He closed his eyes. No one no could know. He was pretty sure no one knew.

?Therefore, Quatre and Wufei will have to remain here until we have the prototype in custody,? Une finished.

?Like old times,? Duo grinned.

Quatre smiled at Duo, but when he looked around the bunker where three of the world?s heroes had been lying low for the better part of a year, he sighed. Wufei scowled, muttering something about the Preventor?s piss poor budget.

Heero couldn?t disagree. Their hideout was a sad excuse for a living establishment, made all the worse that their freedom to leave was limited.

The bunker was small. When they first started living here, it had the look of a college dorm room, complete with mismatched furniture, creaky floor boards, plumbing that rattled, and mysterious stains. Duo, Trowa and Heero had all done more than a bit to fix the place up, partly out of boredom, but even though they had torn out the walls, reupholstered the furniture, painted the walls, and wired new light fixtures among other projects, the place left a lot to be desired.

?How long do you think we?ll have to be in hiding?? Quatre asked.

Heero crossed his arms. He had calculated it out many times: the time it would take to carefully investigate the terrorist operations, uncover all the agents, especially the remote cells, locate the prototype, obtain blueprints of the security? And that was just the preliminary measures. All in all, it could take years. That?s why he had told Relena not to wait for him. It wasn?t fair to her. If the operation was discovered and the outfit scattered, or went underground.... If even one splinter cell?

?Not long,? Wufei said. ?A couple of weeks if we are lucky.?

Heero froze.

Across from him, Trowa turned a page of the magazine he was reading. He didn?t look up. He didn?t even appear to be listening. Beside Trowa, Quatre nodded thoughtfully. Heero stared vacantly at the cover as Trowa shifted it on his knee, abstractedly reading the title. People Magazine?

Duo was the only one to express outward surprise at Wufei?s assessment. He whistled appreciatively. ?Mission must already be underway then. Man, I really wanted to be part of the take down!?

?Recovery,? Noin corrected.

?What??

?We call it a ?recovery? mission when illegal military weapons are seized, not a ?take down.? ?

Wufei snorted.

Heero?s mind seemed to be turning slowly. It was almost as if he was hearing the conversation from several rooms away. In actuality, he was thinking very fast. He was thinking of several things at once.

Weeks. Not years. Not decades.

If what they were saying was true? Well, there was always the possibility of incompetence on their part. But? He looked at Noin?s face. He didn?t detect concern, and Noin always worried openly, especially in dangerous situations, and she was very thorough. She was the one primarily responsible for training Preventors these days. If she was sure of the operation, it must mean that she felt the people involved were capable. Beside her, Une looked almost smug. Even Wufei seemed confident, though that wasn?t as much of a surprise, unless Heero took into consideration that Wufei wasn?t leading the mission himself. In fact, Wufei wasn?t a part of it at all, which meant he trusted others to do it. That made Wufei?s confidence extraordinary.

While Heero?s mind buzzed, the others talked over the mission in detail. Heero listened without really listening, understanding without thinking. He was so absorbed, he almost didn?t react appropriately when Une and Noin announced that they had to leave. He tuned in as Une explained that they would be back to check on them in a few days, but that the mission was at a critical stage and they couldn?t afford to be away for long.

?Don?t do anything crazy,? Une told them sternly. She had her hand on the door, addressing them over her shoulder. ?I want to be clear. You five are not to be part of this mission. Promise me you won?t interfere.?

They all promised.

After Noin and Une left, the others continued to talk amongst each other. Using the surface of the coffee table as a battlefield, they mapped out how tactical might go by using coasters as places and torn pieces of paper as units.

?Oh well,? Duo said with a loud, long sigh when they all seemed reasonably satisfied by their guesses. ?They don?t need us, so I guess we?ll just kick back. Feels kinda weird, though, doesn?t it??

Heero stared at the coffee table.

Was it really that simple?

Things took longer when you did everything by yourself, and he always worked alone, always assumed other people were incapable of doing what he could do.

But that was changing. Training had been evolving in the Preventors outfit. Wufei and Sally Po handled recruitment, Noin managed training, and Une managed overhead operations and interfaced with the public. Even Dorothy Catalonia was involved, mostly with funding. And Zechs too, before his mission to Mars.

The Preventors had been growing exponentially. Une was almost as popular these days as Treize had been. They had been creating an independent, no-borders, no alliance-bound force for universal peace that had no equal in the history of the world.

Heero knew all of this. Sometimes he was asked to help in specialized efforts. But part of him hadn?t considered the effect it would have on his own life.

They don?t need us.

It didn?t mean they weren?t useful. What it meant was that they weren?t alone. There were others now, other soldiers who could be depended on to protect the delicate, unified peace effort their generation had birthed from war. It was everyone, not just those tainted by the past, who would build out a future of peace keeping that would continue past their generation. It meant that he, Heero, didn?t have to sacrifice his life... It meant he could HAVE a life? if he could figure out what to do with it.

Trowa, who hadn?t spoken a word since Noin arrived, turned another page. Whatever he was reading must have caught Quatre?s eye because he blinked and glanced down at the article.

?Oh! What a shame. We won?t be able to attend.?

?What?? Duo asked, leaning forward curiously.

?Miss Relena?s wedding,? Quatre sighed. ?She sent me an invitation and everything.?

Heero?s mouth felt dry. It wasn?t a surprise. The press had reported on it ages ago. Then he had felt nothing. He had told her not to wait. He had felt it would be unfair to her, because he might be years in the field, because mentally he would be there forever. At the time he had believed it?hadn?t he?

Duo leaned back again, lacing his fingers behind his neck. ?Oh yeah. Me too. I still can?t believe she?s getting married. I thought for sure she would one day muster the pluck to ask Heero to marry her.? He chuckled at some memory, half turned his head toward Heero, and looked swiftly away when confronted by a glare. ?Zechs will be pissed. Who's the lucky guy?"

"Alexander Calhoun. He's a politician," Quatra answered. "Nice guy. I've met him a few times. Their baby must be crawling by now."

Heero tried not to react. He had told himself that he was never going back. Maybe he had needed that excuse. In his mind, war went on forever. He closed his eyes.

They don?t need you.

?Heero?? Duo muttered. ?You okay??

He slowly looked up.

Duo, Quatre, and Wufei were staring at him.

?I?m fine.?

?You look odd,? Duo said, and waved a hand in front of his own face. ?Something about the eyes.?

?He looks unfocused,? Trowa supplied, still not looking up from the pages of the magazine. ?He?s looked like that on and off a lot lately. Have you just noticed??

Heero sat in one place, feeling strangely cold. All it once, it just came out of his mouth.

?Relena?s baby is mine.?

There was dead silence for several long seconds.

Trowa lowered the magazine.

Immediately, Heero wished he could recall the words. He had no idea why he had uttered them. Now four sets of eyes were drilling into him with varying degrees of shock.

?Come again?? Duo muttered.

Heat replaced chill.

?Are you? blushing?? Quatre asked, astonished.

Heero wanted to get up and walk out, but he couldn?t move. His legs felt like rubber pieces somehow disconnected from the rest from his body.

?I think I might understand,? Trowa said. All eyes turned to him. Trowa calmly settled the magazine on his knee. ?I?ve noticed that, for awhile now, you?ve been acting a little oddly, Heero.?

?I have?? he asked. The words were like bits of cotton in his mouth. ?In what way??

?Nothing extraordinary. You?ve just been more unfocused than usual. And I?ve noted that you?ve been giving a lot of attention to the news. I thought maybe it was her. Normally, you wouldn?t care for such things, but Relena has been the subject of celebrity gossip. We know you consider it your duty to protect her, and we all heard that you were together once? briefly. And, of course, we all know how she feels about you.?

Heero didn?t say anything. He couldn?t very well deny it.

?We also know it didn?t work out.?

No, it hadn?t.

The official reason was that Relena back then had been too busy and he had been gone too often on missions, which so strained their capability to even see each other that it had fallen apart. But that wasn?t really the reason. The real reason was that he was incompetent at such things.

?I?m assuming you had a physical relationship?? Trowa asked.

Heero was unsure where this was going. Yes, they had. It had taken some adjustment before he and Relena had touched at all, but after he finally kissed her for the first time, things progressed rapidly?perhaps too rapidly.

She had been on tour in the Colonies for a series of summits. He had accompanied her as a bodyguard in one area where there were protests. They had adjoining hotel rooms, in fact, which he had arranged, but not for the intent it ended up serving. He had meant to kiss her goodnight, but she had grabbed his wrist and asked him to wait. Her nervousness was palpable. They sat on the bed together. He kissed her again. She relaxed. He meant to go, but somehow, things became heated. She removed his jacket. He unbuttoned her blouse. That?s how it started. It moved too fast from there.

Beneath her clothes he found her skin to be like silk, and the more of it he exposed, the more he wanted to touch. They had ended up naked in a dusky, moonlit darkness, kissing and touching until they couldn?t think. He had never experienced anything quite like it. His head had been fuzzy, swelled to bursting with fever that wasn?t sickness.

He remembered asking ?are you sure you--?? and being interrupted when her mouth swallowed his words and her hips shifted under him. He couldn?t have imagined the sweetness of that night. It overwhelmed all objections, not just the sensation, but the swift beating of his heart, the tenderness in her eyes, the softness of her breath, and the ache that seemed to pulsate between them. All of it together overthrew him. The culmination came much too quickly, but despite its commonality seemed nevertheless both perfect and miraculous. Afterward, as she clung to his arms, shaking, and he had thought of nothing but staying with her, but?

?You cared for her, but you didn?t love her.?

Heero drifted back to the present. The room was silent. The others were all staring at him. He didn?t know if his emotions were showing. He was told they rarely did. Even so, there was concern in their eyes, real interest in his feelings on their faces, understanding in their expressions, but he didn?t know how to feel or react.

?And after, she told you she was in love with you.?

Not quite. Not right away. But it hadn?t been long after. Maybe she had even tried to hold it back, but something shifted. The way she smiled at him. The look in her eye. The way she touched him. It was like she was melting into him, becoming a part of him, claiming him, needing him to claim her, and he felt?panic. And then one night she said it.

I love you.

?So you broke it off.?

Heero wasn?t surprised at this sequential type of deduction. Trowa was adept at reading situations, even deeply psychological situations, though he typically dissected them logically. All the pieces were there.

?You must have broken her heart,? Quatre said.

Nothing less expected from Quatre, Heero told himself, trying to remain distant. Even so, the thought brought some pain. He hadn?t meant to hurt her. It had taken years for her to forgive him, during which time he had kept his distance, though not without friendliness, and continuing to protect her and all she stood for, though it made things awkward. The sadness in Quatre?s voice was sympathetic and understanding, not judgmental.

?So?? Duo demanded. ?When did you start seeing her again??

?It was probably at Relena?s birthday party,? Trowa guessed. ?Last year. That?s my guess.?

Three sets of eyes?brown, blue, and black?flickered from Heero to Trowa and back again. Something must have showed on Heero?s face that confirmed it.

?You?ve been seeing her for over a year?? Duo exclaimed. ?And you didn?t tell me??

?I didn?t tell anyone,? Heero said. He looked back at Trowa. ?How did you know??

?I was there,? Trowa said, folding the magazine and setting it aside. ?At Relena?s party, I mean. We all were. And we all went home, some of us a little drunker on champagne than others.? His eyes wandered to Duo, then back to Heero. ?But you never left her house.?

Quatre?s mouth dropped open a little.

?It wasn?t planned,? Heero informed them. ?It just happened. ? They were drinking too. Everyone was.

?Happy birthday?? Duo muttered.

?And one night turned into two and then three and so on,? Trowa finished.

Heero nodded. Trowa hadn?t been spying on him. When the pieces were added together, it wasn?t difficult to figure out. He didn?t feel as annoyed as he expected. It was almost a relief that someone knew.

Quatre shook his head. ?Heero, I know Miss Relena is a bit tougher these days, but I have a hard time believing that she doesn?t have feelings for you still. She is either lying to herself about the way she feels about you, or?? He trailed off.

?Or you?ve fallen for her this time,? Trowa concluded.

Duo?s eyes looked like they were about to pop out of his head.

?He?s fallen for her.? This from Wufei, speaking for the first time since Heero let slip his confession. He sounded surprised, and a touch amused.

?So the baby?? Quatre asked.

?Yeah,? Heero said. ?It wasn?t planned, but?? He tried to work more moisture into his mouth.

?You love her,? Quatre smiled.

Duo looked at Quatre, then at Heero, then at Trowa as if for a second opinion, and back at Heero. His large blue eyes drifted to the magazine lying beside Trowa on the couch.

?So. She loves you. You love her. Somebody please explain to me why she is marrying someone else??

?That,? Trowa said, ?I haven?t been able to figure out.?

?You must have done or said something to make her think you were a lost cause,? Wufei said.

Heero glared at him. ?I wanted what was best for her.?

Wufei scowled. ?Was it after you got shot out of the sky? Did you tell her to forget you? Did you think she was better off away from you or something??
Duo looked thoughtful. ?I can understand if you felt that it would be safer not to be associated. That?s why I brought Hilde into hiding with me after all. But?? He frowned. ?Just for awhile. I mean, heck, Relena would wait for you, and it?s not like you?re ever going to totally leave her alone. You never do.?

Duo was referring, of course, to Heero?s habit of assigning himself as Relena?s bodyguard when she made trips, especially to space, or anywhere unwelcoming.

?That?s not the same thing,? he objected. ?Besides, I didn?t think this mission would be this quick. I underestimated the ability of the Preventors. I thought it would take years??

?But she?d wait years,? Duo interrupted. He sounded puzzled. ?She?s waited ten already. Why marry someone else??

?Perhaps he was concerned for the safety of the child?? Trowa guessed. ?Relena started showing not long after we went into hiding. People would ask questions. If the child was guessed to be Heero?s, which isn?t unreasonable, it could be targeted to get to us.?

?Yeah, okay,? Duo said. ?So maybe she gets herself a boyfriend. But why marry him? She?s a rich lady. It?s not like she needs the assistance.?

Heero crossed his arms. ?I told her she should.?

He wasn?t expecting the reaction he got. Quatre?s chin practically dropped to his chest. Even Trowa
seemed startled. Wufei eyed him contemptuously. Duo leapt to his feet, making a strangled sound like a cat.

Heero remained unmoved. ?In the long run, I wouldn?t make a good match for her,? he explained. ?She wants a family. I can?t commit to that. Calhoun?s done a lot better for her.?

?Heero!? Quatre gasped.

?ARE YOU NUTS?? Duo shouted. ?MY GOD!? He stood up, grimaced, and pulled at his hair. ?Heero, what the hell? She is in love with you!?

?I don?t know how to raise a child,? he said as calmly as he could manage.

Duo made noises in the back of his throat that didn?t quite approach words.

?But, Heero,? Quatre gasped. ?Nobody does. Parenting is something everybody has to learn.?

?Maybe some people,? Heero said. ?I really only know how to fight. In a??

Duo waved his arms in the air, cutting him off. ?Stop right there! You are incredible. I mean seriously? When I think of all the things you can do?things other people would find impossible?man, I get jealous just thinking about it. Everybody has babies, Heero. Idiots raise children.?

Heero didn?t answer. He couldn?t have anyway. Duo was determined to roll right over him.
?Did you put that weirdly wired brain of yours to any use? Not saying it would make you an expert, but I could see you reading a library worth of books on parenting in a weekend, or taking classes, or babysitting, or whatever the hell men do to learn about children. What I can?t see is you--of all people, you--just? giving up!?

Heero hesitated. He hadn?t thought about it?quite like that.

?I have to agree with Duo,? Trowa said. ?Of all the people I know, you are the last person of whom I would say commitment is a problem. You are already committed to Relena, and have been for years. It?s just a different thing from what you?re used to. You could learn to parent as well as anyone, probably better than most.?

?I have to agree also,? Wufei said. ?This was a coward?s response. You?re afraid.?

Heero started at that.

?It?s not cowardly,? Quatre disagreed. ?Heero might be intimidated by the future?we all are?but I don?t think he?s running. He tried to make the best decision, I think. It?s just? Well, sometimes even well-intentioned decisions are mistaken.?

Heero tried to blot out their voices so he could think.

It was true that he didn?t always trust his own decision-making. And sometimes he made mistakes.

So Quatre?s point was valid. The future was intimidating. All his young life he had expected to fight and die doing it. Later, in no small part because of Relena, he had wanted to live, because he found something worth protecting, but his mind still saw life as a battle. Fighting was what he had been trained for. He wanted a peaceful world, but hadn?t quite adjusted to living in it.

Duo also made some sense. There was no reason he couldn?t approach parenting the way he had approached anything: fighting, fencing, flying? He had done it all by studying, experimenting, applying, correcting, trying again. Was caring for a baby so different from that? It certainly wasn?t less important.

As for Relena?

Duo pointed an accusatory finger at Heero?s chest. ?Do you know what your real problem is? You don?t want to be happy.?

Heero didn?t answer. He wasn?t sure he knew the answer.

The magazine Trowa had been reading was lying open on the couch. Across the centerfold there was a picture of Relena, dressed in a creamy white dress, honey-blonde hair caught up behind her head. Behind her, Alexander Calhoun had a hand on her shoulder. The caption read: The Wedding Is On! Relena Dorilan To Be Married Tomorrow!

His muscles felt tense.

She was smiling in the picture.
?What do I do?? he asked, mostly to himself, but also soliciting their input.

?Hell,? Duo muttered. ?Go get her.?

Heero didn?t answer. It wasn?t that simple.

?It?s not quite fair, is it?? Quatre murmured, following Heero?s gaze to the picture. ?Even if she loves you, she?s set to marry him.?

Duo put his hands behind his head and looked up at the ceiling. ?She?s not married yet.?

?Does he know the baby isn?t his?? Wufei demanded.

?I don?t know,? Heero answered. ?Relena started seeing him to protect me and the child, but she?s not a great liar, and there?s no need to marry anyone for the child?s sake. He may know.?

?Who is he?? Trowa asked. ?Anyone we should be concerned about??

?He was a civilian during the war,? Heero said. ?He went to law school before beginning his political career. I checked him out early. There?s nothing suspicious in his history.?

?He?s working for the same goals as Miss Relena,? Quatre added. ?He?s not as well known, and he sticks mostly to the Earth, but he has a strong record for his years, which are fewer than Miss Relena?s considering how young she was when she started. He advocates communication between parties still hostile to each other after the war, especially groups opposed to the World Nation who want to reestablish borders in order to retain cultural distinction. He?s a charismatic guy, very open, very different from Heero.?

?Does he love Relena?? Trowa asked. ?Does she love him??

?I don?t know,? Heero replied.

?Why else would she marry him?? Duo muttered.

?There are other reasons people get married,? Wufei noted.

There was a moment silence. Heero couldn?t stop staring at the picture. He couldn?t decide if her smile was genuine or not.

Would Relena marry without love? He thought she might, if the one she loved turned her down. It could be politically advantageous, but it had greater personal benefits. Heero knew Relena was lonely. She bore the weight of the universe on her shoulders, and everywhere she went she was treated like a piece of artwork. When things were really hard, she had always turned to him for the strength to keep going, even if it was just seeing him once in awhile. And then they had made love. And then they made love repeatedly. They had fallen in love. And he had left her. It didn?t matter that he had thought doing so would protect her. He saw now that it might have had the opposite effect. She might have needed someone else, just to shore up the damage.

And that didn?t begin to cover the destruction he had wrought.

There was also Alex Calhoun.

His specialty was demolition. He wished, not for the first time, that it was something else.

?Well,? Trowa said finally to Heero. ?It?s not a perfect situation, but what is? I suppose what you do depends on how you feel. It was you who taught me to act on my emotions. What do you want, Heero??

He looked again at the picture. There was no question as to how he felt.

?I want her to be happy,? he said. ?If she is happier with him, then I did the right thing. If not...? He closed his eyes, sorting through his feelings. ?Then I need to correct my mistake.?

?Then at the very least, you need to see her in person,? Duo said. ?We can help.?

Quatre and Trowa turned to look at Duo.

?We can?t do that,? Quatre objected. ?We promised we would stay here.?

?Nope,? Duo said. ?We promised we wouldn?t interfere with the mission. I didn?t make any promises about not interfering with Heero?s love life.?

Quatre looked contrite for a moment, and then nodded.

Trowa shrugged. ?It?s a long flight, but if we leave now, we can make it in time. I?m in.?

?Why not?? Wufei agreed. ?Beats sitting around.?


*****

Relena awoke at dawn the way she did most days, with her mind running through lists.

Only today was different than most days. This was her wedding day.

She lay in bed for a few moments, staring at the ceiling. She felt content, but should she feel something different? The list of things that needed to be done for the wedding clashed haphazardly with her political duties. There was a summit meeting this morning that it was imperative she attend, leaving her barely enough time to change into her wedding dress before the ceremony at three.

Her house manager Candace Mae bustled into the room before she had time to do more than sit up and put on her slippers.

?Candace Mae,? Relena said as she accepted a saucer with a cup of hot black coffee. ?Is it unreasonable that my first thought this morning was about my job??

?Not knowing you, no,? her elderly house manager replied, and frowned at her. ?I suppose asking about it is your version of wedding jitters.?

?I suppose,? she replied, not really sure it was jitters. She felt perfectly calm. ?I think I will be happier when all the fuss is over.? She took a sip of coffee and waited for a reply. When she received none, she set the cup down on the saucer. ?Is something wrong??

Her house manager clicked her tongue. ?I hope you are sure about what you are doing.?

Relena sighed. ?You mean about marrying Alex?? She smiled. ?Candace Mae, you said yourself he was good for me.?

?Oh, he?s good for you, no question. A very fine man. But the best? I only wanted you to date Mr. Calhoun, if you remember. Marrying him was your decision, and I?m not sure it was the right one.?

She knew exactly what Candace Mae was referring to, but she couldn?t think of anything to say.

The objection, of course, was Heero.

When Alex proposed to her, Heero had just visited her for what he said was the last time. He had held their baby, looked her straight in the face, told her he loved her, and then said that she should marry someone else. He told her he would never be with her. He told her not to wait and not to hope.

What was she supposed to do?

After Alex proposed, some part of her kept thinking Heero would reappear and she would break off the engagement, but months went by with nothing, and the wedding drawing ever closer. It was impossible Heero would not have heard of it. And in the meantime, Alex was there. He understood her work, had an upbringing similar to hers, and shared her beliefs. He was kind and affectionate and good with the baby.

Theirs was a comfortable relationship, not a passionate one, but it was pleasant. Like her, Alex wasn?t outwardly emotional. Like her, he was a gentle and work-driven person. Unlike her, he was not an idealist. He was not sentimental or romantic. His idea of marriage was as a union between two people looking to share the same life. In many ways, they balanced each other out, especially at work. Whereas Relena promoted a vision of an ideal world, Alex sought pragmatic solutions to everyday problems.

He treated her well.

Even so, she hadn?t gone a day, perhaps not an hour, without thinking about Heero. It was impossible not to, not just because she loved him, but because he had so totally and dramatically changed her life. All of her work for peace was rooted?at least originally?in her reaction to the boy who had told her he would kill her. Even marrying someone else?even a lifelong marriage to someone else?couldn?t erase that. She knew she would think of Heero forever. She would love him forever. Besides, the baby had his eyes.

But she wanted to be happy.

?I want to marry Alex,? she told Candace Mae.

Her house manager nodded. ?Then you don?t need advice from old women, do you??

The baby?s cry distracted Relena from having to respond.

Relena set her coffee on the nightstand and made her way to the nursery.

He had just woken up, fussy as usual, but quieted when she entered the room and crouched next to the bassinet where he had been sleeping. Her son, named after Alex to protect him, looked at her with dark blue eyes like his father?s. His face looked?soft?with faintly fuzzy cheeks, a tiny nose, tiny ears, and long fingers that curled into fists in the air. She lifted him and rocked.

Her baby?Heero?s baby?was quite sensitive, which surprised her in some ways. She wondered what she would do with a sensitive child. When he cried for no reason?which was often?she didn?t always know how to respond. She worried about being the kind of parent who, despite being hyper communicative in her work, would be unable to relate to her kid. Maybe it was a needless worry, but she hoped she wouldn?t seem cold or formal to her son. He was hers. And Heero?s. She loved him with her whole heart.

Candace Mae entered the room and softly shut the door. ?I?ll take him,? she said. ?You should get ready for your summit meeting.?

?Thank you,? she said.

Alex would be at the summit meeting too. They would spend the morning addressing questions from people who had specifically demanded Relena?s presence due to her involvement in the Romafeller Foundation?s decision to eliminate national borders. Afterward, she would change into her wedding dress. She and Alex would take separate cars to the cathedral in the city center. The wedding ceremony was at three, with a physical audience limited to the capacity of the cathedral, though the ceremony would be broadcasted to predetermined locations around the world where those interested people could watch. She had heard some places were selling tickets, which she didn?t approve of. she could insist the money be used for causes benefiting peace.

?My life is a public spectacle,? she said aloud to herself, ?and a source of conflict. Heero, I can understand why you would want no part of that.?

Except in protecting her so she could continue to fight for peace. That, she knew, he would always do, whether she ever saw him again or not.

*****

The pulpit at the Center House for Cultural Affairs faced an audience of five thousand, give or take. It was a small crowd for Relena. She stood on a stage in an auditorium, behind a pulpit, dressed in a business skirt and jacket, her hair gathered behind her head, her face a serene mask betraying no trace of nervousness.

Heero watched from the back of the room, leaning against the wall with his arms crossed. It had been so long since he had seen her in person. She was? distracting.

?Heero, we?re in position,? Trowa relayed to him through the earpiece. ?Duo has confirmed Relena will be going to room 2D to change after the question panel has ended. Quatre and Wufei will take care of security.?

?Understood.?

Their objective was to give Heero an opportunity with Relena following the summit meeting, during the time she was supposed to change for the wedding, and keep it a secret to protect them all. To accomplish this, Duo had joined the event staff providing refreshments to the guests following the summit. From this position, he had learned the whereabouts of Relena?s dressing rooms and weaseled his way into being the guy who would attend her if necessary. He was also supposed to arrange transport.

However, Relena had a full security team in attendance, and they weren?t idiots; Heero knew because he had vetted each of them. Fortunately, Wufei?s Preventor credentials qualified him to be Quatre?s bodyguard, who had dressed like a high profile businessman and assumed a false identity for the occasion. Wufei was chatting with the security team now, getting chummy with them. He and Quatre together were tasked with keeping them occupied while Heero slipped into Relena?s rooms to speak with her.

Trowa was on surveillance. They had hacked into the video system already. Trowa would alert them of approaching trouble and was prepared to provide false footage to make it seem like none of them were ever here.

Given the situation, timing would be tight. As he watched Relena, Heero rehearsed what he would say. It had to be simple and clean. It had to convey his sincere feelings. It had to atone for his mistakes. It had to acknowledge the ? complications.

Relena was not the only dignitary on stage. There was a panel of people present, including Alex Calhoun. The others were seated in a semi circle of chairs off to Relena?s left, with one microphone to pass between them. Only Relena was granted a podium.

Heero listened as he thought.

?Minister, when you declared that all national borders should be dissolved, did you consider the repercussions such a thing would have on cultural identity and pride??

?The Romafeller Foundation has always recognized the importance of cultural traditions,? she replied. Her composure never altered. ?People will always have differences, and these differences ought to be celebrated. Combining the nations of the world was not meant to dissolve differences between people, but to bring them together under a common identity of being human, for the sake of the peace we enjoy today.?

A tumult of response rolled through the room.

One member in the audience shouted out. ?Are we supposed to believe that mere labels of citizenship will result in unity? Some places in the world are hotbeds of controversy and violence due to differences. At least when we had countries, we had places of sanctity, places where people of like beliefs could gather together without fear.?

This was Relena?s life: a constant defending of her ideals. Heero had watched over Relena at enough of these types of meetings to be able to gauge the mood of the room. There was a mix of people in the audience, some representing groups who had lost power when nations were dissolved and others who had gained equality and feared any changes the others might demand. The numbers were in her favor, but the dissenters were louder.

?If I may say something,? Alex Calhoun said, standing from his seat with the microphone in hand. ?We think this issue has broad stakes and don?t want to take it lightly. The question was about sanctity and places of safety.?

Some murmuring followed this.

?There is fear because some of you feel that the people in power around you are either hostile to your religion or not hostile enough to religions you oppose. I think the regional governmental bodies in the places where you live could do a better job of addressing such fears, and perhaps better vetted for cultural sensitivity. Such measures would trickle down to your communities. The problem here is leadership.?

?I agree,? Relena said. ?Your leaders should be better educated. Initiatives to foster cross-cultural understanding and interaction will help. I think understanding is a much better solution than separatism.?

They worked well together, Relena and Alexander Calhoun. Heero acknowledged it without hesitance. He knew what he was here for.

Questions from the audience and discussion from the panel continued for another hour. Around noon, an aide whispered in Relena?s ear.

?I have to apologize,? she said to the crowd. ?But as you all should be aware, I am getting married this afternoon. I recognize that we have not solved all of the issues brought here today. However, I think discussions like this are having a positive impact. I thank you for inviting me here and sharing your concerns. I hope to have more meetings like this in the future.?

?Now?s your chance,? Trowa whispered in Heero?s ear. ?Security is waiting in the wings. If you hurry, you can beat Relena to her rooms.?

?Won?t they do a sweep?? he asked back.

?They just did. That?s why now?s the time to go.?

?Understood.?

*****

In the room set aside for her use in the Center House for Cultural Affairs, Relena mechanically shrugged out of her business jacket, unzipped her skirt, unbuttoned her blouse, and let down her hair. There was a dress bag for all of these items to be stowed. She put them away slowly.

Her wedding dress was hanging in the corner, along with heeled shoes, jewelry, and everything else she needed. It was a little cold in just her under garments, but she hesitated as she looked at the dress.

She was starting to feel nervous.

This is it. I?m getting married

The dress was beautiful. It was cream-colored rather than pure white, so as not to wash out her skin. The detailing was exquisite. Hand-made cream-colored silk roses were hand-stitched along the edge of the bodice, flowed diagonally across the chest to one hip, and spilled down to the floor in a broadening cascade. The full skirt swished pleasantly when she moved. There were no straps or sleeves of any kind.

At the cathedral, someone would do her hair and makeup. All she had to do was put on the dress and walk out of the back door of the building, surrounded by her security, where the limo to take her to the cathedral would be waiting. From there it was just a matter of time and final preparations.

In three hours, she would be married.

Smiling, she took the dress off of its hanger and pulled it over her head. The back was a row of pearl buttons that fit into tiny cloth loops. Normally, she might have someone to help her, but she had specifically asked to be left alone to change, knowing she would need a few minutes to herself between one event and the next. She thought herself quite capable of doing up the buttons, having done it during measurements, but today she was finding it challenging. For some reason, her hands were shaking.

?Relena.?

She gasped and whirled, her heart hammering hard and fast in her chest.

From behind the dresser, a familiar face emerged.

?Heero,? she breathed.

Further words failed her. In the presence of that face, those eyes, she couldn?t speak.

It?s just the same, she thought. It?s exactly the same with him.

?I came to talk to you.?

?How did you? How did you get in here? Is your mission over? What have you been doing? How?how are you?? She was babbling. He was making her babble. She couldn?t think. She closed her mouth.

?I have something I need to say.?

Oh God.

He approached her with a purposeful stride, but as the space between them closed, he seemed to lose his words too. When he stopped, only inches away from her, he didn?t say anything. He just stared. Before she could speak, he reached out to touch her, almost as if wired to do so. His fingertips brushed her lower cheek, just beside her lips, trailed down to her chin, and stopped.

Her breasts heaved with each breath she took. Relena?s heart was beating so loudly it was the only sound in her ears.

?What do you want?? she managed to ask. It came out in a burst.

He seemed to start, almost imperceptibly, his eyes lifting to her face.

?I made a mistake,? he said to her. ?I?ve come to ask your forgiveness.?

?A mistake?? she asked, still struggling to think. He was so close. All the synapses in her brain seemed to be misfiring. ?What mistake??

?I shouldn?t have told you to marry Calhoun.?

?What??

His eyes became steely. They held her rapt. ?I told you to marry him to protect you, and myself, from what I thought was a foolish idea. Being with you is foolish, Relena. Raising a child with you is even more foolish. But??

His eyes bored into hers.

?--It?s what I want.?

She sagged. Her legs just gave out beneath her. She would have fallen, but Heero caught her arm, lifted her up, and pulled her against him. His body was rock solid. His skin was warm, his muscles hard, and his scent familiar. She could hear his heart beating?even more loudly than hers?beneath his chest. It took her a moment to realize he was trembling too.

?You can?t do this,? she gasped into his shirt.

His fingers threaded through his hair. His lips kissed her forehead.

I can?t do this.

But he was touching her, and it felt like heaven. Every rational thought fled her body. He didn?t seem to be thinking either. His lips moved from her forehead to her cheek, and then to her lips. Before she knew it, she was kissing Heero, at first almost in a benign, familial way, but that lasted only until she registered the taste of him.

She didn?t understand what it was, but she craved more, and felt powerless to stop it. Her body felt like it was the hotbox of a billion exploding stars. His hands in her hair wasn?t enough. His mouth on her lips wasn?t enough.

?Heero,? she gasped when he allowed her to come up for air. She pushed her arms against his chest. ?Stop. Please. You have to stop. This isn?t right, and I don?t have the strength to stop you. You have to stop.?

She wasn?t sure he heard her, or even that her words came out as words at all, or just as indecipherable begging. All she knew was that he didn?t stop.

His hands become rough on her body, touching her everywhere now, his lips hungry but gentle. He kissed her throat, his tongue warm against her flesh, sending her thoughts tumbling. His breath was in her ear. Her eyes rolled back as she fought the wave of sensations that made her entire body throb.

?Please,? she whispered. ?Don?t.?

He pulled her arms apart, pressed her wrists against the wall, and pinned her with his body. She had no strength to stop him. She wasn?t sure anymore that she wanted him to stop.

He kissed her neck, and then her clavicle, his tongue dancing on the ridges of her bones. His head dropped lower, moving down to her chest. He kissed her breasts where the cleavage was exposed. Relena was thinking less and less. Everything was hazy, soft, urgent, desperate. She never in her life felt anything like this with anyone but him.

In a panic, it occurred to her that she might never again.

?Don?t?? It burst from her mouth. It came from her heart. ?it was a contradiction to what she had said less than a minute ago. ??stop.?

Heero released her wrists. She wrapped both arms around his head and shoulders, digging her fingers in his hair. He sank before her, his thumbs releasing her bodice where her breasts were half exposed. His fingertips trailed down her body from her ribs to her stomach to the tops of her thighs. He knelt at her feet.

Standing over him, she breathed heavily, catching her breath, head swimming from the effort. He looked up. His eyes, usually such a piercing dark blue, were as gentle as night rain. His face, usually all hard, uncompromising angles, was soft. He blinked slowly, languidly, lashes brushing his cheeks like feathers. She didn?t know how she knew, but she knew. He loved her. He was deeply in love with her.

He was stopping.

?No,? she said. ?No no no.? She collapsed to the ground herself.

He didn?t respond. He merely bowed forward, as if his head were very heavy. She lifted it in her hands, cradled his face, and then brought his head to her chest. To her surprise, he let her. She could hear his breathing, still labored and ragged. She could feel his skin, still hot to the touch, the pulse in his neck racing beneath her fingertips.
?I wasn?t thinking,? he whispered.

?Let?s not think.?

She wasn?t sure where that came from. She didn?t think she meant it, but she wasn?t thinking enough to be sure.

?That?s crazy??

?I can?t help it around you.?

He lifted his head. They were both on the ground, facing each other. He opened his mouth, seemed about to speak, and then kissed her deeply instead.

She inhaled his kiss. Her tongue sought his without thought. He kissed her back, rising up on his knees, his hand wrapping around her head, pulling her as close to him as he could. He devoured her. She felt her body stirring, wanting to be closer, wanting more of him. He ran his free hand down her chest to her breasts. She felt him cup her left breast and her entire body responded.

?I want you,? she begged between kisses, gasping for breath. When he didn?t move to undress her, her hands fumbled for his shirt.

He groaned in her mouth.

His shirt buttons came apart beneath her fingers. She slid her hands beneath the material, making contact with his skin. He was hot to the touch. She caught her breath and pulled the rest of his buttons apart. His shirt hung open. She wrapped one hand around his neck and pulled herself closer. Her other hand ran down his chest, followed by her lips.

Heero?s eyes closed. He relaxed, although his heart was beating harder. She half crawled into his lap. His arms wrapped around her, crushing her against him.

She couldn?t move.

She really couldn?t move.

?Heero??

?We have to stop.?

His voice was firm. It broke through her delirium.

Several minutes passed while he held her. Gradually, Relena?s senses realigned. Rational thought rushed back. When she could think again, shame rolled over her in waves. She pushed herself out of Heero?s arms, tears filling her eyes.

?Oh my god,? she gasped, clasping a hand over her mouth. ?I?m horrible!?

Alex?

Heero didn?t offer sympathy. He allowed her space, and looped his elbows around his knees. For several moments, he didn?t move or say anything. He just looked at her, choosing his words. When he spoke, his eyes were clear again.

?I don?t think what just happened was a mistake.?

Relena couldn?t find words with which to respond.

?I have one other thing to say.?

She almost couldn?t see him through her tears. ?What??

?I should be the one marrying you.?

Relena stared at him, befuddled and amazed. Shame swamped every other emotion.

What kind of person am I?

?Relena.?

?Huh??

?I?m asking you to marry me.?

*****

Duo waited as long as it was reasonably safe to do so before knocking on the door of 2D. When no one answered, he pushed the door open and popped his head in.

Heero was standing in the middle of the room, staring at his reflection in the mirror.

?Um, transport is ready, Heero. You guys ready??

Duo looked around. Relena was not in the room.

?How?d it go??

Heero growled.

?Where is she??

?The church.?

Heero abruptly turned, zipped up his jacket, and brushed past Duo.

?And where are you going??

?The church.?

[euthalia]

oh my god. *heart stopped*

This is beyond any of my imaginings. love ya!!!!



i await the next chapter with more bated breath and heartbeats. Great that everyone did all the thinking for heero. He can't seem to put anything into words. He really is emotionally retarded but that's the challenge in the whole thing huh? hehehehe

1xR forever!