[1xR, 4xD One-Shot ~ PG-13] His Type

[wingzerosnuggles]

Title: His Type
Continuity: Figurative Brotherhood
Length: One-shot
Pairings: 1xR, 4xD
Prompt: "Could this be out of line? (Could this be out of line?) To say you're
the only one breaking me down like this, you're the only one I would take a shot
on. Keep me hanging on, so contagiously." from So Contagiously by Acceptance.
Teaser: On a lesser woman, that dress would have screamed "hooker!" On
Clementine, it somehow seemed fashionable. On Relena, he would tear it off.
Link: http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5227951/9/F ... rotherhood

Disclaimer: GW = not mine.

Author's Note: The third August prompt happens to be a staple on my writing playlist so, for the second time, I'm using one of this month's prompts on FB rather than NN. It's actually a matter of story length allowed for the two continuities. FB lets me prolong the agony while I write NN to get a quick fix. Anyway, the third August prompt is "Could this be out of line? (Could this be out of line?) To say you're the only one breaking me down like this, you're the only one I would take a shot on. Keep me hanging on, so contagiously." from So Contagiously by Acceptance.

Figurative Brotherhood
by mistress amethyst une

His Type

~Article 104~

The mom of a Bro is always off-limits. But the stepmom of a Bro is fair game if she initiates and/or is wearing at least one article of leopard print clothing...provided she looks good in it...but not if she smokes menthol cigarettes.

Be it here resolved that at no point is it permissible for one Bro to engage in carnal delicacies with another Bro's mother. It is, however, allowed and encouraged for one Bro to graphically suggest to a Bro the athletic feats, animalia and/or machinery utilized during a fictional encounter with his mom. (Nota bene: It is customary for a Bro to avoid such Brocularity if his Bro's mom is a nine or better, for fear of Oedipal inducement.) Should a Bro discover his Bro is adopted, he is free to pursue his Bro's adoptive mother, but only after first corroborating nonbiological parentage through notarized birth certificates, hospital records, or comparative deoxyribonucleic acid gel electrophoresis, whichever is most convenient.

Brocularity?Bro-inspired hijinks.

--taken from The Bro Code by Barney Stinson with Matt Kuhn, p. 135, 193
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Winner Conglomerate was currently facing a crisis.

A female crisis.

She was Clementine Hardbrook Winner, thirtieth wife to the deceased Zayeed Winner and a certified "Mother I'd Like to Fuck" or MILF, for short.

In the last four years, she had seduced half the members on her stepson's board of trustees, leading to a considerable spike in divorce rates within the conglomerate. Her current goal? Her stepson himself, Quatre Raberba Winner, current CEO of the Winner Conglomerate.

She had seen the boy's choice of fianc?e, and wholeheartedly disapproved. What kind of stepmother would she be if she let her dearly departed husband's only son marry such a deplorable creature? Besides, Dorothy Catalonia was practically made of money. What did that girl need to marry her stepson for? No, if anyone was going to marry Quatre, it would be Clementine. Zayeed had left her with nothing in the will, and she believed she was entitled to everything his precious little brat of an heir now had.

And so she sought to create as much chaos as possible to earn a meeting with him...

Of course, Quatre was well-aware of his stepmother's intentions and made every effort to avoid her. He had more than a few stepmothers, most of them paying him no mind, satisfied with the inheritance his father had left them. Clementine was the only one cut out. His father had actually been in the middle of divorcing her when he'd died. Thankfully, Zayeed managed to cut her out of the will even before he served her with divorce papers.

Clementine was a little on the crazy side, to put it mildly. When Zayeed had first married her, she had maintained the facade of a more than acceptable wife. Then, a few months into the marriage, she revealed her true colors as a gold digger and an adulterous nymphomaniac.

Quatre knew very well that she would come after him sooner or later. Constant warnings were given to all connected to the Winner Conglomerate to steer clear of Clementine. Despite this, she still managed to seduce quite a few of Quatre's board members and associates, both male and, as Quatre discovered in recent years, female. She influenced them, undermined him. Just last month, she'd seduced his vice president...

This had to stop.

She told him she would halt her attacks if he could reason with her.

One meeting.

That was all she asked for.

Reluctantly, he agreed.

What was she going to do? Seduce him like she had everyone else? Quatre Raberba Winner was not an easy lay, and sleeping with a woman his father had also slept with didn't appeal to him in the least. Besides, he had Dorothy, and you simply don't trade gold for pyrite. He admitted that Clementine was physically attractive but he also happened to know her secret. He was definitely going to turn the tables on her in today's meeting.

"I told him I know people," sighed Dorothy, sipping her afternoon tea as she and Relena discussed Quatre's woes. "I could make his evil stepmother disappear?" She snapped her fingers. "?just like that."

"And what did he say?" asked Relena, biting into a biscuit.

"He told me that hired assassins nowadays aren't what they used to be. He doesn't want to go to jail on a conviction for conspiracy to commit murder. People at work are giving him a hard time. The board's putting pressure on him to get her under control. Also, there's been no end to the lewd jokes people make at his expense about how everyone wants to screw his stepmother."

"Everyone? She can't possibly be that attractive. How old is she now?"

"Forty. 100% certified cougar."

Relena raised an eyebrow. "Forty and men can't resist her?"

"Men and women," corrected Dorothy as she rummaged through her purse. With a dramatic flourish, she brandished a color photo and set it on the table between them. "I give you Mrs. Clementine Hardbrook Winner."

"Oh my..."

"I know," she sighed. "We can only hope to age half as well. She's obviously had some work done but it isn't too obvious. Anyway, I'm sorry that you and Heero have to break up now but-"

"What?"

"Miss Relena, Quatre asked that Heero be put in charge of Clementine's security today. Why else do you think I got you the day off for this meeting?"

"Because we're friends?" Relena reminded her.

"Oh right...that," said Dorothy curtly. "But you know I almost always have an ulterior motive. So you're not aware? Didn't bother to look into why I'd get you off work and drag you out for a day with me?"

Relena shook her head, sighing. "I'm not going to like this, am I?"

"Quatre actually requested Heero specifically. I have no idea why he'd want to send his comrade to the slaughter. This is the first time he's meeting her in years. Actually, there's really no threat to her life except Quatre's overwhelming urge to strangle her after all the havoc she's caused. Here's hoping Heero can handle her but?Well, just look at her. Quatre's already made it clear that he's thoroughly disgusted by Clementine's actions but I can't help but feel a bit threatened. I mean you and I are both happily attached heterosexual women and, admittedly, we'd bang that given the right circumstances."

"I wouldn't."

"Miss Relena..."

"All right, maybe. If I was really drunk. Still, she's not Heero's type."

"Not his type?" balked Dorothy. "Again, look at her. She's everybody's type."

"Heero's not everybody," stated Relena calmly. "To you, this must seem like blind faith but I'm certain he would never cheat on me with that."

"There's a fine line between optimism and foolishness."

"I'm being realistic. Again, she's not Heero's type. If she was his type, believe me, I'd be threatened."

"And what is his type?"

Relena looked thoughtful, stirring more sugar into her tea. "Not quite sure. I just know that woman isn't it. I just feel it."

"You're trusting him not to stray based on a feeling?"

"Yes."

Dorothy bit back a retort as the doorbell rang.

"And the boys are back," smirked Dorothy. "Still trust that feeling, Miss Relena?"

Relena simply shrugged, taking another sip of tea. "I already told you. Not his type."

Heero and Quatre made their way into the dining room, neither looking the least bit somber. Quatre was smiling from ear to ear, and Heero looked particularly pleased with himself.

"What are you two so happy about?" asked Relena.

Quatre grinned. "Pass me that picture, will you?"

"Picture?" Relena picked the photo up from the table. "Oh this-"

Quatre took it for her and neatly tore into halves, quarters, eighths and sixteenths before reducing it to confetti. "Goodbye, Clementine."

Dorothy suppressed a laugh. "Would you two care to sit down and tell the tale?"

Exchanging peevish looks, the two boys took their seats beside their respective significant others.

Quatre cleared his throat. "Where would you like me to start, ladies?"

"I'm curious as to why you specifically requested my bodyguard," confessed Relena. "You owe me that after having Dorothy trick me."

Dorothy responded in a tone of mock offense. "Trick you? In what way did I trick you, Miss Relena? I simply wanted quality time with-"

"Quit it, Miss Ulterior Motive," chuckled Relena. "Next time you ask me out, I'll do my research. Anyway, your explanation, Quatre?"

"I needed a bodyguard for Stepmom Dear," said Quatre. "She's quite the home wrecker, and there are more than a few people out to kill her. Me included, actually. Anyway, I needed her bodyguard to be someone she couldn't seduce."

"Heero's hardly impossible to seduce," scoffed Relena.

"That's what you think," smirked Heero.

Heero met Clementine Hardbrook Winner right outside her hotel. She wasn't difficult to miss with the outfit she had on: a strapless leopard print dress and three inch stiletto heels.

It dawned on Heero that he now knew exactly what he was going to get Relena for Christmas.

On a lesser woman, that dress would have screamed "hooker!"

On Clementine, it somehow seemed fashionable.

On Relena, he would tear it off.

All right, so he wouldn't be getting it for her as much as he was getting it for himself. Still...

"Mr. Yuy?" asked Clementine, interrupting his idle train of thought.

"Hn."

Heero simply gestured to the waiting limousine and watched her get in the back before joining her. The trip to the meeting place would have taken about half an hour with light traffic. But this was Monday morning and Heero was stuck with the cougar in leopard's clothing for the long haul...

Not surprisingly, she made her move not more than five minutes into the drive.

"Mrs. Winner, if you don't remove your hand from my thigh immediately, I will be forced to file a sexual harassment complaint against you."

She looked at him as if he had just told her the sun revolved around the earth. Obviously, she wasn't used to having her advances rejected. Her hand didn't withdraw.

"Why so formal, Mr. Yuy?" she purred, continuing her idle stroking. "Call me Clementine."

"Miss Clementine, if you don't remove your hand from my thigh immediately, I will be forced to file a sexual harassment complaint against you."

Her hand practically leapt off his thigh. "You're gay, aren't you?"

The rest of the two hour trip was blissfully quiet as Clementine silently fumed.

"Relenasexual," snorted Quatre. "I knew I could count on you."

Heero shot him a glare as Relena raised an eyebrow at the sound of her name's bastardization.

"Relenawhat?" she asked, not knowing whether to be appalled or flattered. She settled on confused.

"Relenasexual," Dorothy repeated for her. "Silly little term Quatre came up with since Heero doesn't really qualify as either gay or straight. For one thing, to be straight, you have to be attracted to women in general."

"Relena's a woman," stated Heero in his defense.

"Yes, but she's only one woman," Quatre pointed out. "One. You're not sexually attracted to anyone else."

"So?"

Relena couldn't help but laugh. "Quatre, just tell me before you turn my name into a slang term. And Heero, I find it hard to believe you're not sexually attracted to other women. Surely-"

"No."

"Well, let's test a theory, shall we?" interjected Dorothy. "Miss Relena said you'd never make a move on Clementine since she's not your type."

"Correct."

"So what is your type?"

"Relena."

"I rest my case."

"On what?"

"On the fact that you, Heero Yuy, are completely hopeless."

"I've been told many times by many people. I'm aware."

Relena coughed, a tinge of pink staining her cheeks. "Amusing as this is, may we please get back to the story? How exactly did you get rid of Clementine?"

"Ah yes," grinned Quatre. "My part in the plot."

"Hello, Clementine," muttered Quatre as his stepmother made her way into his office.

"That bodyguard you commissioned is quite the piece of work," she smiled smugly. "You're not like him, are you? Going to help Mama out?"

"You're not my mother."

"Exactly," she grinned, inching closer toward him, stopping before his desk as she bent over slightly and leaned so her face was mere inches from his. "Which means we wouldn't be doing anything wrong by-"

"I'm happily engaged, Clementine."

Her hand rose to cup his chin. "You don't seem happy."

"That's because you've been messing with my company. I'm here to offer you a settlement. Take it and leave me alone."

She leaned in, trying to kiss him. He turned his face, and her lips landed on his cheek. He backed away from her.

"Don't make this difficult, Clementine. I don't want to destroy you."

"Destroy me?" she guffawed. "What could you possibly do? Kill me? You'd be the prime suspect. Everyone knows about the warnings you issued against me."

"I know your secret."

"What secret?" she smirked, assuming he was bluffing.

He took a sheet of paper from his pocket and placed it on the desk between them. "DNA tests. Clementine, you know what a Y chromosome indicates, don't you?"

She went pale, now backing away from him. "You can't possibly- You faked those."

Score.

"Did I? Even if they are fake, why are you so upset?"

Swallowing hard, she gave her surrender. "How much is the settlement?"

"Seriously?" blurted Dorothy. "She's-"

"A man," nodded Quatre. "Father knew but he was so thoroughly infatuated that he married her anyway. Thankfully, she took the settlement. I can play evil pretty well. I mean even if she'd turned me down, I would have tried to find another way to get her out of my hair. I would have never released her secret to the public. Can you imagine how many lives it would destroy? It would affect not just her but everyone she's ever slept with. It's up to her now whether she keeps the charade up or not."

"And this is why people say you're too nice," sighed Relena. "Though I now understand why Heero found it so easy to resist her. You told him she was a man, didn't you?"

"No, I didn't."

"Then-"

"You said it yourself," interrupted Heero. "She's not my type."

"It's just not possible that I'm the only one who fits your type."

"Why not?"

"Well, because- The world just doesn't work that way."

"The way the world works and the way I work are two decidedly different things."

"But-"

"Do you want me to be attracted to other women?"

"No!"

"Then why are we arguing about this?"

"We're not arguing. We're simply having a discussion."

"Then why are we discussing this?"

Why were they discussing this? Relena tore her eyes from her verbal sparring partner, seeking counsel from either Dorothy and Quatre. However, that was no longer an option. Somewhere in the middle of Heero and Relena's argument-discussion hybrid, Dorothy and Quatre had managed to slip out of the dining room. She looked at him once more, melting under the intensity of his stare.

"I don't know why we're discussing this," she finally answered. "It's just- You're so-"

"Relena, just stop trying to figure me out," he implored. "You see me as a puzzle. I'm not. You don't need to solve me."

"Then what do I do with you?"

"You know exactly what to do with me."

And when he kissed her, she decided he was right for once.

[stormwind16]

really nice fic. and the transsexual part is one thing I didn't see comming lol

[wingzerosnuggles]

Thanks, dear. Some transsexual men are actually way more gorgeous than most women so... >_> Still, we all know Heero would say no to anyone who isn't Rel.

[bookworm]

I found some parts hilarious, and other parts were sweet. It was a nice one-shot featuring two couples I adore. Keep it up!

[wingzerosnuggles]

I'm glad you liked it. Also, good to see another 4xD fan. :p

[Elyn Yuy]

ROFL

Too cute!!!!