Title: Tap, Tap, Tap
Continuity: Figurative Brotherhood
Length: One-shot
Pairing: 1xR
Prompt: None
Teaser: The discarded tank top hit Relena square in the face. "He's not too good at this striptease thing, is he?" mocked Hilde good-naturedly.
Link: http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5227951/2/F ... rotherhood
Disclaimer: GW = not mine.
Author's Note: Had a tough time with this one. Took me forever to come up with what Heero would dread so much. :p
Figurative Brotherhood
by mistress amethyst une
Tap, Tap, Tap
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~Article 2~
A Bro is always entitled to do something stupid, as long as the rest of his Bros are all doing it.
NOTE: Had Butch Cassidy come charging out of that cabin alone, people would have been like, "Dude, come on." If only one Spanish dude had decided to run down the street in front of a bunch of angry bulls, people would have been like, "Dude, come on." If only Tommy Lee had worn eyeliner in the early days of M?tley Cr?e, people would have been like, "Lady, come on." The license to be stupid is why we have Bros in the first place.
--taken from The Bro Code by Barney Stinson with Matt Kuhn, p. 12
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Under the covers, Heero remained still, refusing to reveal himself. He knew she was standing there, hands on her hips, impatiently tapping her foot. Tap, tap, tap against the hardwood floor. She wasn't leaving anytime soon.
When the former queen of the world is standing at your bedside, apparently tapping out a death threat in Morse code, the proper response would be to bolt upright and apologize for lying when you called in sick so you could skip out on today's special duties. The proper response is not curling up into a ball under the sheets and clutching at the cloth like a lifeline even as she uses her crimson claws to tear the covering off you. She eventually managed to yank the sheets off, sending the bare-chested pilot on a collision course with the floor.
"Oof!"
Tap, tap, tap went her high-heeled shoe, greeting him upon his landing. Looking up at her, he couldn't even manage the apologetic grin heroes in romantic comedies would usually employ in this situation. No, he simply scowled, cursing his defeat at her hands once more.
"You won't be alone," she told the man sprawled at her feet as she nudged his face with her heel. "It won't kill you."
"Present proof supporting that claim, and I'll consider it," he replied, his glare showing defiance even as her stiletto pricked his cheek.
He'd seen the occasional movie where the heroine utilized the needle-like heel of her shoe as a deadly weapon, using it to step on an unfortunate man's head in a show of power. She could puncture his face with her sharp sense of style. Well, it was a sacrifice he was willing to make. She valued his looks more than he ever did. At least, he got to look up her skirt from this angle, committing the sight of her lacy underthings to memory before accepting the fact that he would die by her foot. There was at least some dignity in being crushed by the former queen of the world. It certainly trumped what was in store for him if he went to work today.
The pricking pressure left his face as she heaved a sigh and stood at her full enhanced height. All right, so she was going to let him live. Sparing his life wasn't going to get him to come to headquarters.
"Heero, it's tradition."
"Human sacrifice used to be tradition. They abolished it for the good of civilization."
"What harm is there in-"
"I'm not doing it."
All right, she meant business now. Looking him in the eyes, she made sure he saw her face clearly. Pouting ever so slightly, she made her lips quiver, putting on a tone that would make anyone's heart break.
"B-but why? Why, Heero?" she stammered for dramatic effect. "All I want is for you to have a good day at work, take part in an honored tradition with your co-workers... Is that too much to ask? I mean they begged me, you know? What am I supposed to tell them? That I failed them, Heero? That Relena Darlian is a failure at exercising diplomacy in her meager personal affairs?"
Oh hell... They both knew she was faking but he always fell for this ploy hook, line and sinker. Well, not this time. After two minutes of solid silence, she dropped the act.
"Do I have to go 'woe is me?' You're being especially difficult today."
"Such is a side effect of being around you for extended periods of time."
"Look, they won't do it if you're not a complete set."
"I gave into this last year."
"The second go won't be as bad. You survived the first time around."
"It's just... The whole thing is ridiculous."
"It's for charity."
Stupid charity auction. Win a date with a Preventer hunk. Whoever thought of it probably didn't have the burden of being attractive enough to be the object of a furious female bidding war. Yes, pity poor Heero. He's hot and a victim of unwanted female attention. Boo-hoo... He knew he was being a whiny bitch but last year left a bad taste in his mouth.
"Are you going to buy me this year?" he asked her, a subliminal plea embedded in the question. "I don't enjoy being some rich cougar's arm candy. I really don't."
She rolled her eyes. "My mother is not a cougar. She just wanted to know what I saw in you."
Her mother? That explained why the woman who'd won him was referred to as Miss Darlian. His heart had leapt when he'd heard that Miss Darlian had won him. It quickly sank to the pits of hell when he realized that it was a Darlian other than Relena.
"And? What did she see in me?" he asked, unable to keep his curiosity in check.
"She thinks my taste in men shouldn't match my taste in chocolate."
Heero raised an eyebrow, looking particularly bemused considering he still lay prostrate before her on the floor.
"Strong, dark, bitter, no nuts..."
His confusion swiftly turned to irritation as she chuckled.
"I told her that she was mistaken, of course. My taste in men has no parallel."
"You still haven't promised to buy me," he growled.
"Come to work, and I'll consider it," she offered, throwing him a devilish smile. "And for heaven's sake, pick yourself up and get dressed. Mindless worship isn't going to encourage me to bid on you."
He growled again, jumping to his feet and leaning into her. An ordinary woman would have squeaked in surprise. Relena only giggled.
"Enough dramatics," she ordered. "To the shower, Heero! Clean yourself up. You're relegated to desk work today. We need to keep you nice and neat for tonight."
He grumbled, grabbing his uniform from the closet before heading to the bathroom and locking the door behind him. Damn the rule of the complete set.
"It's all of us or none of us, ok?" declared Duo, absentmindedly chewing on the tip of his expertly styled braid. "There's just no license to be stupid if you go at this alone."
"You need a license?" mocked Wufei.
"Opinions, Gundam team?" asked Duo, ignoring Wufei's remark.
"Hn," grunted Heero, knowing very well Relena wouldn't be in the crowd tonight.
Was this disappointment he felt? He hated having to stay here amid all this festivity with no knowledge of her security team's capabilities. She was off-world, attending to yet another pointless meeting with nobles who only sought to cause her trouble. The last thing he wanted was to take part in this ridiculous spectacle as old farts plotted Relena's downfall right before her eyes.
He observed Trowa offering a nod to Duo's preposition as Quatre followed suit. Wufei shrugged. No doubt, the solitary dragon found solace in the knowledge that the five of them would go down in flames together.
"It's official then," sighed Duo, glad to have formed some solidarity with his comrades in this coming trial.
Warm water rained on him as he recalled how that night turned out. So that woman had been Relena's foster mother... Well, he could have done worse. At least, he didn't end up on a man's arm like Wufei. Most awkward waltz ever. As expected, Duo had bragging rights to the most financial returns. Dorothy bought Quatre for quite the absurd price as well. Trowa's reputation as a flexible acrobat didn't hurt his popularity either.
Heero would have ended the night less than peeved had it not been for Relena's absence leaving him at the mercy of a room full of women who saw him as a male fantasy for sale. He had resolved never to participate in the damned stunt again. Of course, that meant he would be shutting down the whole event this year. The others wouldn't proceed without the stupidity license afforded by safety in numbers.
Washing the last of the soap off his body and rinsing the shampoo out of his hair, he sighed. His reason for not participating had stormed his apartment (Well, he had given her a key) and tap, tap, tapped him into submission. For the price he was paying in terms of years burned off his lifespan by the mortification brought on by hundreds of female eyes publicly undressing him, she had better buy him. After all, no matter who dared strip him naked in their mind, she was the only one allowed to physically divest him of his clothing. He was offering her a special deal, the entire package. Pun intended. He knew that he was worth every penny she could afford...
He got dressed in the bathroom, knowing very well that appearing before her in only a towel would be the height of stupidity, especially since he still had her underwear for today committed to memory. Red lace, damn it. He had to think of various not sexy things now. The last thing he needed was to hop back in the shower for some painful cold water shock therapy. Howard's Hawaiian shirts, Howard's disgusting habit of having bits of food stuck in his white facial hair, Howard's- Heero wondered if Howard would appreciate being an anti-hard-on.
After quickly brushing his teeth, he walked out of the bathroom, hair still wet as he grabbed a comb from his bedside table and haphazardly ran it through the brown mop on his head. Tap, tap, tap went her foot again as she stood with one hand on her hip, her other arm raised slightly higher as she glared at her watch. When he had finished something mildly resembling a morning routine, she quickly eyed him from head to toe.
"You'll do," she shrugged. "And you're only an hour late for duty. Fancy that... Thankfully, this little distraction hasn't upset my schedule. I've cleared out my day to be sure I wouldn't be too tired for tonight's auction. I do wonder who I'll bid on."
Damn tease... As they walked to her car, he ventured to sell himself.
"Bid on me and I'll-"
He whispered the rest in her ear, aware that his sales pitch involved things that would make a whore's face burn. It worked wonders on the vice foreign minister's complexion. Make-up just couldn't replicate the delicious shade of pink that tinged her cheeks when she blushed...
Heh.
The car ride was quiet, sexual tension thickening the proverbial air to a consistency one could slice with a beam saber. She drove stick magnificently even as her face glowed scarlet. He was going to be the death of her, and he knew it. When he promised to kill her, he never specified his methods. Drawn out sexual frustration seemed to be working for him at the moment. Only problem was she was just as good at using this particular weapon.
After dropping him off at headquarters, she sped off like her life depended on it. He supposed she was rushing home for some technological assistance. An evil laugh escaped him as he made his way to his office. She wasn't going to find her vibrator if it was safely locked away in his filing cabinet. She would either have to win him tonight or seek release by hand. Her fingers pushing that red lace- No! Must not be distracted. Think Howard, Heero. Think Howard. Howard with a banjo singing stupid limericks...
There once was a man from L-1
He liked to bed ladies for fun
They moaned loud all day
They fu-
Howard had really stupid limericks. Really stupid.
Heero plopped into his swivel chair, taking it for a spin as a bored child would.
Relegated to desk work...
That basically translated to "Sit in your office like a good boy, Heero."
He always finished his reports ahead of time so there was nothing to distract him from tonight. Wanting to be productive, he infiltrated the office of an absent worker and alphabetized the poor sap's files. Yes, this was what happened when Heero had nothing to do. He played the part of filing fairy for the mere mortals. Just riveting...
After he'd finished raiding eight offices, taking two coffee breaks and savoring lunch for once, he couldn't help but wonder if all the clocks in the vicinity were running slow. Six more hours to show time. Six hours until he was ushered into a van with his fellow pilots, stupid sheep being led to the slaughter. Of course, their slaughterhouse came with a stage, a ballroom and an open bar to relieve one's troubles once tonight's winner saw fit to release him. Then again, if Relena won him, there was also his credit card and that five star hotel across the street...
A few office raids later, the time of reckoning arrived. They were required to come in uniform for this event. The better to sell the virile Preventer male to the audience... Heero was just thankful he didn't have to wear his suit again. It was still mildly singed at the sleeves after his mishap with the laser security system at their last formal party venue.
Just like the previous year, he waited backstage with his comrades, trying to feign calm. Relena was going to buy him. She had to, damn it.
Wufei was the first up to bat. This year, he had made it clear that he was available exclusively for bidders of the female persuasion. As he disappeared into the stage, the auctioneer's furious call for bids began. Wufei ended with an acceptable 20,000 credits. It was less than half of last year's 50,000 credit haul. Oh well, catering to a less-varied array of buyers always took a bite out of one's earnings.
With Quatre, everyone already knew who was going to win him. The socialites didn't even bother to raise their paddles. Dorothy's initial bid of 300,000 credits killed any other potential bidder's chances.
Trowa's turn onstage raked in a respectable 60,000 credits. The dramatic acrobatic twirl during his entrance definitely had something to do with his profit. However, surprising the guests by unveiling a hidden torch and swallowing fire was what really got the money rolling in.
And then came last year's favorite. Duo Maxwell winked cheekily at the crowd. Hilde jokingly started the bidding off with 2,000 credits. She knew she wasn't going to win this but, in the end, she was the one he went home with. Relena elbowed Hilde.
"Bid higher, silly. Want me to buy him for you?" offered Relena.
"I don't want Heero to kill him," chortled Hilde. "Besides, I'm obligated to share my graces with the less fortunate. Let someone else deal with Duo tonight. I'm just going to sit back and enjoy the show."
Drunk on admiration, Duo walked the stage like a runway, letting everyone admire the merchandise. Backstage, Heero rolled his eyes at the sight on the vid screen.
"The problem with you four is you don't shake the money maker," scolded Duo as they took the awkward van ride to their location.
"Excuse me?" interjected Wufei.
"It's all in the booty, dudes. I even shrunk my pants in the wash for the occasion," he winked.
Heero wondered if it was coincidence when he, Quatre and Trowa all simultaneously smacked themselves in the forehead.
And shake his money maker Duo did.
Bids rose at an alarming rate, finally peaking at 470,000 credits courtesy of a shy young lady who devolved into a giggling, blushing mess as she claimed her prize onstage. Hilde smiled from her seat. Always the master showman. Her boyfriend would definitely show that poor little rich girl a good time. She had no qualms as long as Duo kept in mind who owned his heart...and that fine ass. Heero had a hard act to follow.
Speaking of which...
Heero took the stage, standing at attention as if expecting rifle shots to ring out any second, riddling his body with bullet holes. Stand proud, Zero One. Die with dignity.
Relena rolled her eyes, absentmindedly toying with her paddle. Did he really expect her to buy that? Tap, tap, tap went her paddle on her armrest. With the way he was acting, she wasn't going to raise it in jubilation any time soon.
"Impress me, Heero," her appraising stare challenged. "Excite me a little..."
"And we have 60,000!" announced the female auctioneer. "Do I hear 70? 70,000 from the handsome gentleman in the back..."
Did she just see Heero cringe? He was staring at her now, his eyes willing her paddle to move. She shook her head, smirking.
So she was challenging him, was she? Duo wasn't the only one who could put on a show. Taking a deep breath and hoping this night wouldn't haunt him for the rest of his life, he slowly began unbuttoning his Preventer jacket. Relena quickly realized what he was doing, and found herself torn between bursting into wild raucous laughter and going on stage to publicly stake her claim with wild, passionate, exhibitionist- NO!
She opted for neither action, maintaining a look of serenity even as the hot and bothered sex goddess within her fought to get out and publicly have her way with him.
He threw his jacket into the crowd, the garment landing neatly in her lap. She raised an eyebrow, putting on an unaffected facade. He would have to do better than that to crack her. So he was wearing that damned green tank top under his uniform... She cursed how the top's lack of sleeves showed off his well-toned arms, reminding her just how good his body felt wrapped around hers. Still, she insisted on resisting him. Tap, tap, tap went her paddle, its owner still refusing to let it rise.
"120,000, ladies and gentlemen!" tittered the auctioneer, trying to keep her eyes off the merchandise. "Do I hear 130?"
With a smug grin, Heero's hand moved to push his shirt up, giving the crowd a glimpse of those gorgeous washboard abs. Damn it, damn it, damn it... He was not going to take his shirt off. He was not! He was not! He was-
The discarded tank top hit Relena square in the face.
"He's not too good at this striptease thing, is he?" mocked Hilde good-naturedly.
Relena didn't hear Hilde, her eyes narrowing to slits as Heero's hand moved to his belt. Oh no, he wouldn't! He was not going to strip to his boxers in public. Wait, was he even wearing underwear? She was aware he liked to freeball. Was she going to call his bluff? Everyone knew she was dating him, for heaven's sake. His sultry stare clashed with her glare. She could put a stop to this right now, spare them both from being exiled by polite society.
Tap, tap, tap went her paddle...would she give in?
"500,000 from the young lady up front!" squealed the auctioneer. "Do I hear 510? No?"
The belt came off, falling to the stage floor.
"Going once..."
"Your move, Relena," his smug expression told her. Scowling, her paddle finally went up to deal the necessary coup de gr?ce to his poor excuse at stripping.
"Going twi-"
"Two million," announced Relena as she finally raised her paddle, silencing the mindless chatter around her. So this was the sound of at least a hundred less than innocent female dreams being doomed to an untimely death... She quite liked it.
"T-two million?" stuttered the auctioneer.
"Two million," repeated Relena. "Is there a problem?"
"No, ma'am," coughed the girl, regaining her composure. "Two million from the lovely lady sitting front and center. Going once..."
Whispered grumbles were heard from the unfulfilled crowd. Relena basked in it.
"Going twice..."
"Two million?" hissed Hilde. "Seriously?"
"I've been saving up for this since last year's auction," shrugged Relena. "Stupid nobles had to distract me. I had to have my mother proxy..."
"SOLD! Come up and claim your prize, miss."
Relena stood, dropping her paddle and letting Heero's clothes fall from her lap. As she walked toward him, she picked up his discarded belt. Upon reaching him, she looped the leather around his neck as a leash. He gave her a grin, obviously pleased with himself. She would see about that. With two million down the drain, she was going to get her money's worth.
Starting now...
"I should give you a public lashing," she whispered in his ear, sneaking a quick ass pinch as she dragged her half-naked man slave off-stage by his make-shift belt collar.
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Whew! Finished! And below is Howard's full limerick if anyone's wondering... This was oodles of fun. Feedback please. I've never dropped so much kink in a fic before. :sweatdrop:
There once was a man from L-1
He liked to bed ladies for fun
They moaned loud all day
They fucked by the bay
Enjoying the surf and the sun
[One-shot ~ PG-13] Tap, Tap, Tap
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wingzerosnuggles
- Fanfic Connoisseur|NewType
- Posts: 146
- Joined: Tue Jun 09, 2009 12:21 pm
- Location: Manila, Philippines
-
wingzerosnuggles
- Fanfic Connoisseur|NewType
- Posts: 146
- Joined: Tue Jun 09, 2009 12:21 pm
- Location: Manila, Philippines
Such a pity that he's exclusively Rel's. 