Only One Past to Look On ch 1/?

[san]

"Only One Past to Look On"

By: Tanni


A/N: Okay...despite the first few paragraphs, I don't think it's *that* depressing...

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Sickness, in the form of depression, was now his constant companion. Languid movements seemed to be all his body was capable of as he lumbered up to the sign which read BEER HERE in glowing katakana*. The ally which harbored this small bar was dank and dark, and the smell of wet asphalt wafted up into his nose from a result of five previous nights of pouring rain. Having come back to the country he held heritage with only proved to invoke unwanted emotions. As he entered the bar, he aimed to quell those emotions.

It was a small hole-in-the-wall place, but Heero couldn?t have cared less. All he cared about was the hard liquor it carried.

The place was cramped with people. More people, it appeared, were in here than the room could hold. And if Heero had given it any thought, he would have noted the whole country was like that. Ignoring some of the looks he received from various women around the bar area, he trudged on forward, determined to reach that bottle which he would kill, or die for, to have in his possession. In a mundane fashion, the large, over weight bar tender greeted Heero with a curt nod and asked him what he wished to drink. Heero looked towards the many bottles of whisky lining the wall.

?A shot of that.? The bar tender nodded and went about pouring the orange tan liquid, and then set down the full shot glass and the bottle beside it. Heero handed the man a wad of yen, ?That should take care of everything.? He mumbled. The bartender nodded again and went about his own business.

Heero stared down at the glass in his hand, and then gulped it down like it was water. He poured another glass full and drank that. The strong liquid swirled around his tongue, and then dripped down his throat. He could feel the buzz, but he still felt as miserable as he had when he walked in.

The bottle slowly started to drain as his slightly intoxicated mind drifted off into a cloud of memories?


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?A one way ticket to L-1 X38-412, adult.? The ticket agent nodded, her blond curls bouncing up and down.

?Front of the shuttle, middle, or rear??

Heero shrugged, ?Anywhere is fine.?

?Alright. There?s the most space in the rear.? Heero nodded. ?Please show me your exit visa and identification.? Heero pulled out his wallet from his jeans rear pocket and extracted his fake ID and visa. ?Thank you.? She said and briefly glanced at his picture and then his face. ?Do you have any baggage??

He shook his head, ?No, only one carry on.?

She nodded, ?Okay. Here is your ticket,? she smiled and handed him the piece of thin, printed, cardboard paper that read ?Welcome to colony flight lines? on the top, ?Your seat is 22 b on flight A12. Have a nice flight!? He nodded once and headed to the A12 gate, laptop bag in hand.


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The 20 ounce bottle was almost empty. ?How about another one?? the bartender asked.

Heero nodded and pulled out some more yen. The bartender set down the bottle on the counter top and broke the plastic seal. Heero sipped down the little dregs of whisky that was left in the bottom of the small glass before handing the empty shot glass to the large bartender. The big man filled the tiny glass and watched as the younger of the two drank. A thin sheen of sweat lined Heero?s brow. His jeans jacket suddenly felt like a portable heater, as well as his jeans pants. His heart rate built up speed, and he could hear it thumping erratically in his chest. The alcohol was kicking in. Over the years he had inadvertently built up resistance to alcohol from all of his drunken nights. Now it took a lot to get him only slightly drunk. However, his body was only so strong?


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Heero quickly looked over his NCPD application paper before handing it to the woman at the front desk. Towards the edge of the metal colored desk rested her name plaque which read ?Nora Jonese, head secretary of Neo Costeanos Police Department.? Neo Costeanos was a city on L-1. The woman looked up through her slightly tinted glasses at the young man before her.

?I?m applying for an active duty job.? said Heero.

She nodded, ?Alright, do you have an application??

?Yes.? Heero answered back and handed the paper to her. Her hazel eyes briefly looked over the piece of paper before placing it on her desk.

?Alright?? she glanced at the name on his application, ?Alexander Ensver.? He could no longer reside on the colonies with a name like Heero Yuy. That name, though it was only a rumor, was said to also be the name of a Gundam pilot. He didn?t want anyone knocking on his door, asking about the war. ?We?ll give you a call if we like you,? she said, joking lamely. Her job must be pretty boring, ?And we?ll have you brought in for your entry physical. Ya? got any questions?? Heero shook his head, and headed for the exit.

Sure enough, he was called back and they had given him an appointment to see a Dr.Melensaworth for his entry physical. The appointment would be in three days; Heero made sure to lay off the bottle for a while.

The three days had passed, but his yearning for his whisky didn?t. And he found that right as he left the Doctor?s office, he headed strait for the bottle. That night he had dreamt of the pretty nurse that had been flirting with him in the examination room. She had been a woman with dark brown hair, almost like his own, and rose red lips. As the dream went on the woman?s hair had slowly turned to a sandy blond, and her rose red lips turned to a pale pink. Her eyes glistened with the blue of the sky, and all he could do was stare, and pine for her love.

After that dream, he found himself murmuring her name out loud more than he was used to. Had she really gotten to him this time? Or was it all just thought up in his crazed imagination?

No, he thought, it doesn?t mean anything. I?m just remembering her, that?s all.

He had told Duo, before he had left Earth, that he was going to miss her. At the time, he hadn?t seen Relena Darlian since she had attended his high school graduation ceremony in the year 198.

I?ll see her again someday, he had told himself, just not anytime soon. Now isn?t the time to be with her, in this time of peace she has a greater burden than to worry and think about me. She has to maintain the peace that we?ve all worked hard for, her being the most.

He kept telling himself that, until the day that his partner, Jackson, caught him staring at the TV screen with longing in his eyes as the SDNC News broadcasted her speech to the United Nations.

Jack lightly chuckled, ?Yeah, I know she?s pretty, huh Alex?? Heero slowly tore his eyes from the television screen and turned to glare at his partner. Jack only laughed at Heero?s reaction. ?You, and half of the male population, have got eyes for the Foreign Minister. Don?t feel so alone, Alex.? It unnerved him that Jack could read almost all of his thoughts, as if he were an open magazine on a coffee table. It kind of reminded Heero of an older and more settled Duo?which also unnerved him. Too many things; too many people reminded him of the world he tried, obviously in vain, to escape. He no longer wanted to look upon his past, all he was trying to do was find his future.


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With that memory, a bitter smile played itself across Heero?s lips. It had been foolish of him to think he could see her again, with those specific thoughts of romanticism involved. Because, shortly after that year, in September of AC 203, Relena Darlian became Relena Crossfield. She was married to a highly esteemed colonial representative: Jeffrey Crossfield.


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He had been in the Vice Foreign minister?s service for only a few short months by now, but he had known the minister for a great portion of her life. And he felt it necessary that she hear what his opinion was about her ?highly esteemed colonial representative?.

?I think he?s a liar to the people of the colonies.? Relena turned away from the limousine?s door to face her security chief. She no longer held the look of a child, but rather, the look of a well hardened woman with years of experience and tons of responsibility loaded onto her back.

?And, why do you say that, Heero?? It seemed, to Heero at least, that everything he said she challenged these days. If he told her a security risk was being taken by her action, she would challenge his authority on the matter. She didn?t listen to him anymore. Dodging her question, or rather, choosing to forget about it, he posed another question of his own.

?Since when did my opinion in matters become so irrelevant?? Relena sighed and entered the limousine, and Heero followed behind her, eager to know what her reason was.

?Your opinion isn?t irrelevant, I just don?t see it?s founding. Why would you say something like that? You know, he and I are going to be married soon?? she leaned over and fastened her safety buckle, ?I?d prefer you not to say threatening things to his integrity.? She paused in her speech, idly staring out the window thinking about whatever seemed to go through her head these days, ?And as for you thinking I believe your opinion is irrelevant,? she began again, ?I suppose, it only seems that way to you, because we haven?t been around each other that much in these past few years.? All he could do was look down at his leather shoes that went with his suit. ?We?ve changed,? she looked over and smiled slightly, ?I?ve changed. I guess, I just?? she appeared to hesitate for a moment, but Heero knew what she was going to say, ??don?t need you as much, anymore. I?m grown up now, and so are you.?


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The bottle was half empty; his mind reeled from its normal state, not comprehending the noises around him. But he just sat there, on the bar stool, not caring what the noises were. He eventually was able to make out the murmurs of life in the bar, but he couldn?t comprehend what they were saying, or even if it was in the same language that he spoke. What was his language; could he even remember? He groaned and rested his head on the bar table. The over furnished surface only stuck to his sweaty forehead and bangs, and at the same time the world lurched forward with the movement of his head. He brought it back up to its normal upright position, and again, he had to fight the swirling, tipping world that he seemed to reside in.

He felt, to put it bluntly, like a piece of shit.

The room felt too stuffy, so he left his unfinished bottle of Jack Daniels for the cool night air. But the inside of his body still burned with his sickening intoxication. He walked, or at least he tried to, over to the bus station on the corner of the street. He received a few odd stares and some people leaned away from him as he passed them by. He sat down, with his mind still reeling, and groaned again. Everybody seemed to be staring at him, as if he was some monstrosity that had crawled out of the sewer that was only ten feet away from him. Maybe he did crawl out of the sewer, and not the bar. He sure as hell felt like he had. Half of his brain seemed to go on auto pilot, while the other half tried to figure out what was going on in their drunken state. Duo was right; maybe he had been loosing brain cells.

Heero found himself, at least an hour later; at the motel room he was staying at trying to figure out how to fit his card key into its slot. Even through all this, minus his common sense, he noticed a presence coming from behind him. He whirled around and was met with a woman whose height barely managed to reach past the center of his chest. She looked like a hooker by the way she was dressed. A short, Japanese hooker. Heero scowled down at her small frame. She reached out to his hand and plucked the card key from it. ?Let me show you how it?s done.? She said in the native language.

Heero watched as her small hands pushed the flimsy white card key into the slot and then out, and the green light flickered on. The door creaked open and the woman looked up at him suggestively. He caught what she was thinking, even through his drunken haze, and was almost tempted to accept. She looked cheap, or at least affordable. But still, a part of him felt disgusted with the knowledge that Relena was on the same island, let alone in the same city while he would be doing something like that?even though that same thing was probably what she was doing right at that very moment. But not with a hooker, but with her-

Heero?s mind stopped his train of thought and looked back down at the woman to the left of him, and said ?I?m not interested.? His hazy mind had begun to clear miraculously. At first, the woman didn?t seem to comprehend and as realization dawned on her, so did her anger. Her eyes glared at him and she stalked off, annoyed that she had been rejected by some foreigner, and a drunken one at that. Heero watched as the hooker he had almost slept with walked away down the indoor carpeted hallway. He glanced back into the room that he had spent the night in for the past three nights.

The interior decorator must have been drunk or half asleep when they designed the place. Odd colors made up the bed sheets and curtains consisting of off-colors such as teal, and a strange dark shade of purple. And then to top it all off, sandy gold colored trimmings for all the fabric articles in the room.

?A sandy gold coloring, kind?a like Relena?s hair.?? Heero shook his head. Why did all of his thoughts have to eventually lead back to her?

He had no control over his thoughts when it came to Relena; she always seemed to find a place in his mind, and as some might speculate, she had a place in his heart. Their relationship was, to state it lightly, an odd one. He was her temporary Preventer escort, or her body guard. A position that was well respected amongst all others in the field; it was a very professional position. And then, to serve the highly exalted Foreign Minister was an even greater position all the more, and Heero was the lucky Preventer to hold that position. His career was supposedly a rewarding one; a career that he should be proud of. Yet, he still found something lacking; he still felt as empty as he had years ago, even before he had started drinking.

He had searched the known universe for a future; a place he could call a home, and his emotions had led him back to the Earth; back to her. The Earth was beautiful, just as Relena was beautiful, and the Earth had always had pull on him like Earth?s gravity had a pull on fallen objects, just like Relena did. And the Earth had no idea what sort of strength and hope it held for its people, just like Relena. No matter how hard Heero tried to, he knew, even if only unconsciously, that he would always come back to them both. Ever since Heero had washed up on the shore of Earth he had been drawn back to it, and he felt the same for the girl who found him on the ocean?s coast.

Sighing, Heero ran his fingers through his messy dark brown hair, and collapsed on the motel room?s retro colored bed. The mattress was hard and stiff under his back, which only served to increase his discomfort and his headache. There were times were he would lie on the bed of where ever he was staying at the time and just think. He thought about his past, and what his future might hold. He thought about what things could have turned out to be like if he done some things differently, like if he had stayed in school. But his mind would always wonder off, back to that dreadful past that all he wanted to do was forget.


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Duo looked at him oddly, probably wondering if his friend had really gone insane or not.

?Let me get this straight, we?ve been helping with plans for this fucking wedding for, I don?t know how long. We?ve spent shit loads of money on tuxes; Relena has made it crystal clear that we have to show up for the ceremony, especially you, and not to mention we both went to that God forsaken rehearsal that lasted forever-and-a-half,? Duo scratched the back of his head vigorously trying to make sense of everything, ?and you want to bail out!?

Abandoning his tuxedo in the bag it came in on the one-seater sofa, Heero sat down on the floor in front of the television, ice-cold beer in one hand and remote in the other. He randomly flipped through channels, not really paying attention, but not wanting to pay attention to Duo, either.

?I don?t feel good,? He said blandly and continued flipping the remote switch.

?You don?t feel good,? Duo repeated incredulously and frowned, ?what the hell does that mean?? He studied his friend?s facial expression of nothing for a few moments before sitting down on the floor beside him, ?Dude, buddy?Relena is our friend. She?s getting married today, the least we can do is show up as the happy frickin? guests we?re supposed to be.?

The channel switched to the live programming of the Vice Foreign Minister?s ?Pre-Wedding Show?. A picture of the groom was displayed proudly on the screen before them, and all it managed to do was make Heero truly sick.

?Tell me, Duo, how am I supposed to be happy for her when she?s marrying that?? he jabbed at the screen violently with the remote. Duo, in bewilderment, looked from Heero to the picture of Jeffrey Crossfield.

?Jeff? What the hell?s wrong with him??

?Just forget about it,? Heero snapped and got up quickly to pace around the room, ?You should go if you want to make it on time,? He glanced towards the screen, and at seeing the reporter talk to the groom?s parents, as well as Relena?s mother, he said, ?It looks like it?s gonna start soon. Better get going.?

?Heero?? Duo started, but was cut off.

?Just go, you can tell her I didn?t feel well.?

The two men who where once best friends and comrades in arms now seemed like light-years apart. Heero refused to make eye contact, and so Duo was forced to talk without seeing his friend?s expression.

?Fine. But I don?t think this has anything to do with you not ?feeling well?. You?re hiding something, but knowing you, no one will find out unless you really want them to.? And then Duo grabbed his jacket from the kitchen counter and, before leaving, said, ?Now, all that matters is if you really want them to.?


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?I don?t.? he mumbled to himself, concentrating further on the ceiling. The pattern made odd shapes in his imagination, each shadow turning into a familiar object. A gun rested clearly on the ceiling, and near that gun, many rounds scattered around clips sat, motionless, but there. If he looked harder, he could make out the rim of a shot glass staring at him, and past that the controls of Wing Zero, long dead, could be seen. His hand, with a mind of its own, reached out for those controls?the controls of power?and he felt the cool metallic handle bar sit comfortably in his hand. It was such a familiar; empowering feeling. He could do anything.

Pulling the bed sheet around her chest, Relena rolled away from her husband and picked up the stationary COM system laying on the night stand.

?What are you doing, Relena?? Jeff mumbled, half asleep. ?It?s, like?three in the morning??

?I need to call Heero,? she told him and she could hear him mumble something under his breath. Jefferson Crossfield was not a big fan of his wife?s body guard.

?What the hell for??

?I need to tell him to get here an hour early, since I?d like to leave at six rather than seven?? before picking up the mouth piece, she leaned back towards her husband, ?Is that alright??

?Yeah, yeah?Wait. I need to attend to some business while I?m here, and that?s going to take place tomorrow as well. So you?re going to have to go by yourself to the conference. That okay??

?Oh,? Relena looked down at her lap, staring at the odd patterns the sheets made when they were crinkled up in the dark, ?alright. So I?ll be gone by six, instead of seven.?

?Yeah, and I?ll be sleeping then, like I should be now.? Relena ignored his comment, hitting the AUDIO ONLY button on the COM system before dialing the number of Heero?s motel room. He always insisted on staying in a different motel, rather than whatever hotel she was at, and paying for it himself. It was typical Heero behavior, but she just wished that sometimes he would allow her to help him. However, as long as she knew he was alright?that?s all that really mattered in the end.

?Heero?? she spoke when she heard a grunt on the other end.

?Relena?? she could hear his stern voice issue forth a small bit of worry, ?Is everything alright??

?I?m sorry, I didn?t mean to alarm you, it?s just that?? she could feel Jeff shift on his side of the bed, and she could tell he was annoyed. And suddenly she became annoyed. ?I wanted to talk to you?? Jeff could never understand just how much Heero was important to her, ??about tomorrow morning.?

?What is it??

?Well, you see?? she glanced over towards Jeff, but all she could see was his sheet clad back and shoulders. She could tell he wasn?t sleeping, however. ?I was wondering if you could wake up an hour early, since I was planning on leaving at six, rather than seven.?

?Alright.? She could just picture his nod when he said that, ?I?ll be there at six A.M., sharp; everything ready.? Relena couldn?t help the small smile from brightening her features.

?Thank you, Heero.? Jeff shifted again, grunting as he did so.

?Of course, Relena?? he paused, and suddenly Relena could feel herself as that same fifteen year old girl who had convinced herself she was in love with a boy she barely knew, ?It?s my job.? And so of course, with that last feeling looming over her as she hung up the phone with the man she once was in love with, buried emotions rose from their deep graves inside of suffocated hearts, and bitterness for the past regrets stained the future inside all of their minds. But there was one thing Relena could think about, and become happy while doing so: the boy she barely knew, and the man she learned to love for himself. There was only one past to look upon, and Relena had promised herself her entire life she would look upon it with a smile.


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Katakana: A form of Japanese writing, used for foreign words and names. ア,ル,フ,ァ,ベ,ッ,ト

A/N: Okay, this is just the introduction to something much bigger...I'm writing it right now, but I'd really appreciate some feed back. (Hopefuly you guys arn't like the Will & Grace crowed...except for one person...bless them..) Anyway, so yes, I'd appreciate feed back; tell me what you think. Tell me if you don't like it, if you think it's too...blah, or depressing or whatever. And hey, if I'm lucky, tell me if you liked it! Hah hah...

[Morrighan]

Interesting..... Baka Heero-kun. Drinking is bad for you.

Can't wait to see more! I can definitely see that this is going to be one hell of a story to tell!

[perfectpeach]

what you talking about? drinking good for you! unless you already have a f***ed up body then it bad for you.

This si so good and so in character. I love the whole 'forbidden fruit' aspect of their relationship.

[kawaiiemogirl]

Drinking is bad D: unless you drink a lot. But anyways, it's getting interesting and I'll be waiting for more.

[lilac310]

Wonderful......BTW, I like the comparison you did with the Earth and Relena as they relate to Heero...so true....please write more!!!...soon!!!...

HUGGLES,
Lilac

P.S. I hate Jeff!....I bet he's not even half as HOT as Heero!...hehehe

[epyon]

GREAT, IN CHARACTER (which is awesome!)

please write more!!!...soon!!!...

and that's an order

[san]

Thank you all who've read so far! ^_^ I just put up the second part to this. Sorry if it's taken a while, life can get busy.

[WingZero2118]

wow. this is great so far. cant wait to read more.