Desires of the Heart 25/25--Part 1

[zapenstap]

It?s been a long time? and it?s a looooooooooooooong chapter. Give yourself plenty of time. There are author?s notes at the end. ^_~



Desires of the Heart

Chapter 25

By Zapenstap



The slap was hard enough to turn Heero?s head, and for a moment he just stared at the ground, hands hanging limply, half doubled over from the force of her arm.

?What the hell are you doing here?? she demanded, livid and shaking, possessed by a fire that flared in her heart and burned to fury behind her eyes. ?How dare you come here??

She knew he meant only to protect her, that he desired nothing more that to save her life, but in a way it was a sore and bitter knowledge. She was only a body to him, whether on a personal level or as a purveyor of peace, merely a conduit for his needs. At this stage of their intimacy he thought of her as a figure and gave no thought to how she felt?it was insulting.

Seeing him so unexpectedly in such a situation had flooded her with feelings that harkened back to a time before they had ever touched and rushed straight through the illusion of their relationship to the climax of her heartbreak. Her love of Heero bloomed, climbed and dived in the space of two thudding heartbeats. Her rage now was half imploring, a screaming plea for the suffering to stop. ?Are you trying to hurt me? Do you have so little regard for feelings? My one remaining desire is that you would just stay the hell away!? Her voice climbed steadily until it rose to a shout, reverberating around the walls of the small enclosed room. ?I hate you, Heero!?

His eyes turned to her first, a rich dark blue glancing sideways at where she stood only a few feet away, his profile still tilted down toward the floor. Then he straightened and turned to face her.

He didn?t say anything.

He didn?t have to.

Relena pulled back, fingers curling into her palm as she withdrew her arm and fell back on her heel. The skin on the palm of her hand tingled slightly, though it couldn?t have hurt nearly as much as Heero?s cheek must be stinging. The imprint of her hand was an angry red on his face, at least three of her fingers clearly outlined around the cheekbone, but what was more striking was the expectant, almost resigned look in his eyes. He just stood there without reacting, looking at her as if he was attending her funeral and was the one responsible for her death.

That expression unsettled her, confusing her thoughts, piercing through her anger and dismantling her resolve. She couldn?t summon words to speak or conjure insults to hurl, not with any truth anyway. She wasn?t sure what she had expected. He could have grabbed her arms, pushed her away, retorted angrily, or even hit her back. He might have winced or growled or yelled or demanded to know who the hell she thought she was. She had expected something that would have fueled her fire to fury, to allow her license to lay it on thick and dispel all the painful emotions stacked up in her breast. She had built up a torrent of soul-shredding accusations that she had been sharpening for weeks; preparing to unleash upon Heero a deluge of verbal abuse in response to her grievances should he dare to give her reason to use it.

He had given her reason just by coming here, but she hadn?t expected him to silently endure her rage, or that even the tiniest shred of companion on his side would disarm her this way. She definitely hadn?t expected to see such resolution in his eyes in seeing her, and hadn?t thought out what it would do to her to see him. Being near Heero now?after having spent the last few weeks trying to forget his face?was like having been smothered in darkness and surrounded by aching cold only to be offered the sudden presence of a candle, a weak, flickering light that was illuminating, but also cold, unfeeling, and unaware of her need for it. All she had wanted in banishing Heero from her presence was to extinguish that light, to kick Heero where it hurt until he broke or fled or disappeared, to destroy her dependency on his brightness just to prove she could face the darkness alone? and yet, she didn?t really want to live in darkness. Confronting him this way?furious at having to see him when he had ordered him to stay away and yet aching with the need to have him near her again?was like trying to break down a rock wall with her fists, a wall she would much rather cover with roses.

?I told you not to protect me,? she said, and found herself unable to meet his eyes, though she glared at the coffee pot fiercely enough to shatter the glass, clenching her fists and shaking from her shoulders to her knees. ?I told you that I didn?t want to see you.? When she saw him in the audience she had felt butterfly wings tickle the lining of her stomach and moonbeams burst inside her skull. When he pulled her off that stage her heart had exploded into fragments of iridescent glass, and she had responded by clinging to him with every inch of her being. She could still feel the leather of his coat on her fingers and the touch of his skin as his hand had wrapped firmly but gently around her wrist. ?I thought I had made myself clear.?

Heero still didn?t say anything.

Instead he turned back to the door and checked the security of the lock and the chair he had wedged under the handle. She looked up, but his attention did not return to her. Without looking in her direction, he took out his communicator and turned it on. Her insides boiled.

?This is Heero Yuy. The Vice Foreign Minister is secured.? There was a reply, but the volume was so low Relena couldn?t make it out clearly. She thought she heard that someone was coming to check on them, but it was almost indiscernible. ?Yeah,? Heero said in response, and then listened. He listened acutely, his face blank as a board, deadly handsome even without expression. He listened cleanly and clearly, devoting all of his attention to the task at hand, almost gentle in his reception and careful handling of the situation. Relena watched him as if through a window, and the bitterness in her breast waxed to a sharpened point. ?Yeah, I?ll take care of it. Over and out.? The words dropped from his lips in low, distinct pronunciation. Then he switched off his communicator.

?Is everyone all right?? Relena asked in quiet, controlled tones, automatically diverting some of her attention toward assuming responsibility for the repercussions of whatever had happened in the auditorium, but even as she mapped out a contingency plan by which to handle the situation politically and humanely, the emotional side of her was still besieged by the man standing stock-still before her, a man who seemed perfectly content to disregard her existence. Her heart beat spasmodically, as if it were a rock being tossed in her chest by an unconcerned child.

The silence stretched as Heero avoided her eyes, staring at the junction straight ahead of him where the wall met the floor. She waited as he shifted his gaze to scan the room, observing the placement of the furniture, noting all of the objects on all the desks and counters and evaluating the lack of any extra windows or doors. She waited until he turned away without looking at her, shifting his gaze to the door and checking the lock again.

?Heero, talk to me!?

The demand was a whip crack sounded from a pit of pain, a cavern in her heart where her love of Heero had sunk without hope of reprieve.

It was the worst feeling in the world, not even being acknowledged by someone she had loved intimately, someone for whom she had pined for years, who encapsulated all the qualities she had wanted to become, someone she had worried and cared for more voraciously than she did herself, someone she still loved deep in her heart. After all of this?protecting her, loving her, breaking her heart?he could think to ignore her. A desperate, angry feeling clutched her heart until it quivered with pain.

Someone?s fist pounded on the other side of the door.

?Heero? Heero, it?s Trowa. Are you in there??

It was then that Heero glanced at her, briefly, and that same resigned expression in his eyes screwed tacks into her stomach. He turned swiftly back to the door, as if the sight of her burned him. ?Yeah. What is the situation?? Heero asked. He sounded calm enough.

?Is Relena all right?? Trowa Barton?s voice was calm under pressure, possessing a smooth and almost soothing quality that offset the blank coldness in Heero?s deeper tones. His question was followed by some indiscernible commentary that Relena recognized as belonging to Wufei.

?She?s in here,? Heero replied. ?What is the situation??

?The people are shaken up, but no one?s been hurt,? Trowa said. ?Stay with Relena while we finish running the lockdown procedures. The area is contained but not secured.?

?Relena will be fine,? Heero interjected. ?I?d rather handle tactical. Something about this situation is suspicious.?

?You?re already in position,? Trowa returned. ?It would be unwise to leave her alone. Just stay where you are. They may be after her.?

?Trowa,? Heero growled.

?I?m locking you both in.?

Relena listened from a distance of a few feet as the sound of keys jangled in the lock on the other side of the door, followed by footsteps retreating down the hallway.

Lockdown. She felt queasy. Who knew how long it would take before the area was deemed safe enough to let them out?

She watched Heero try the handle, twisting the knob first backward and then forward before releasing it and stepping away from the door. He looked at it for a moment in silence, his eyes running over the door from the floor to the ceiling, perhaps guessing what force would be required to break it down, or maybe merely gauging the dimensions of his sealed escape route. Only slowly did he turn to face her.

?We?ll be in here awhile,? he said quietly, perhaps apologetically, as if speaking to her was an obligation he could now no longer avoid.

She tried to keep her face straight. She wanted to hit him, but all she could manage was to shake her head, a tiny, compressed movement that felt more like a vibration than a turn. She knew her emotions must be plain on her face. She could feel the tension in her eyebrows and the slight press of her lips, everything inside and outside pressing together to keep her expression from breaking. It was like applying just enough pressure to hold together the shattered pieces of a crystal globe; too loosely and the pieces would fall outward, too tightly and they would collapse inward.

?I can?t believe this,? she said, the words shaken past her lips. ?After everything, how can you do this??

?Do what??

?Treat me like I?m nothing!?

His expression did not change, which made the measured logic in his voice all the more infuriating. ?Relena, you?re not nothing. I came here to protect you, even against your wishes, precisely because you are not nothing.?

She pressed her fingers to her eyes to feel the coolness of her flesh, taking comfort in the darkness of her thoughts. ?I hate this. You don?t understand. I wish you hadn?t come, but it doesn?t seem to matter to you what I wish.?

His eyebrows drew together in an expression of resentment, or possibly annoyance. ?I can?t not protect you, Relena. I do respect your wishes, but I could never allow anything to happen to you that I might prevent.?

?I don?t know why I?m surprised. You?ve never done anything I asked you to, especially when it mattered the most to me.?

He looked away from her, his emotions a mystery, though she could tell he was thinking by the intensity with which he glared at nothing. ?I don?t know what you want me to do,? he said after a moment. ?I don?t want you to hate me, but I can?t leave you unprotected.?

?I don?t need your protection.?

His face turned grim. When he spoke it was almost in a monotone, all emotion carefully cloaked, even the inflection of his words uttered to reveal not even the tiniest hint of feeling. ?I know you don?t want me around. I didn?t mean to bother you, but when I heard something might happen I came here with the intention that you would never see me. And then?.? He shook his head as if to dispel something disturbing, though his tone did not change. Whatever anxiety he might have felt did not escape the confines of his control. ?I?m not sure what happened on that stage, but for a moment I thought that even my coming here had failed. I?ve been trying to stay out of your way, but I don?t think I can leave you completely alone, not if it means risking your life. I wish I understood why you wanted me to. I know that I?ve hurt you, and I know that you hate me?? His control cracked slightly, then smoothed out again as he picked up the pace, ??that you don?t want me to protect you, not even to save your life, but you matter too much for me to abide by that wish.?

She wished she could sit down without looking weaker than she did already. ?Matter to whom, Heero? You don?t understand. I hate you because I love you, because I love you and because I know now that my love means nothing to you. You want to protect my body from bullets, but you can stab my heart just by being too near. I haven?t been able to think about anything lately except how much I despise myself for giving so much of myself to you to protect.?

He opened his mouth, but she rode over him.

?How can I honestly think I mean anything to you? You?ve done nothing but deceive, discount and ignore me since before I was even aware that you didn?t care. At that party, you knew I was vulnerable, and yet you left me for those other women. Do you really think I?m so concerned about being shot by bullets when you?re around? That?s the last thing on my mind, Heero, and it hurts the least, even now, even tonight! I don?t need your protection. What I want is for you to let me forget you,? she said, and knew it hurt him to hear it. ?I want to forget that I ever relied on you, that I ever needed you or loved you. I don?t think I can make it alone if I don?t forget that.?

Heero?s face twisted into a contortion of conflicting emotions. Relena struggled to hold onto her own composure, the shattered pieces of her heart cracking under the pressure of her control, fighting to break apart and break her with the collapse. She was too angry to cry, and too proud to let him see her. She didn?t need his comfort any more than she needed his protection. She certainly didn?t need for him to see her so weak and vulnerable. She hated herself right now. She hated herself around him and everything about herself that had to do with him. It was all a mess, the crumbled fragments of a broken dream.

?I?m sorry about that night,? he said at last. ?It was confusing. It was too soon. I didn?t know what to do.?

?You?re sorry,? she repeated in a voice that lacked both force and conviction. She didn?t know what he meant or what to think. Perhaps it sounded mocking.

Heero?s eyes took on a brighter, sharper sheen, laying into her with an acuteness that stripped her of her defenses. ?I didn?t mean to hurt you,? he continued, harshly this time, his eyes flashing with the same anger she felt. ?I know I screwed up! Stop looking at me like that. Stop thinking up reasons to blame yourself. Stop punishing me. I didn?t mean for any of this to happen!?

She felt skewered by his words. ?How am I supposed to feel? You deceived me, Heero! You let me believe you loved me and then you treated me like I was nothing! I thought we meant something together. I believed in us!?

She choked as he came toward her, her words sticking in her throat. Heero?s stride carried him to her swiftly and purposefully, like a thunderbolt aimed at the heart. He took her shoulders in his hands, gripping her arms and digging his fingers into her skin until she cried out.

?I thought you died,? he said through gritted teeth. His face and voice were terrifying. ?I saw you hit the ground. For a second I thought??

Her head fell forward like a doll?s, but she brought it back up again. ?You treat me as if I?m everything one minute and nothing the next. If you can save my life you think you?re protecting me, but you don?t care about me. You don?t care about the way I feel about you. You??

?Like hell I don?t care!? He was trembling so hard that she shook in his grip. ?How can you accuse me of not caring? What the hell do you want from me? You want me to romance you, dance with you, talk about everything with you, share my life with you? All my secrets? All my pain? You want me to make love to you? You want to get married and live happily ever after?? He was shouting, his voice not deafening loud as much as it was raw and intense, but louder than she had ever heard it, like a roar in her ears.

?Yes! That?s what I want!? she shouted, and didn?t struggle in his grip. She stared him in the eyes, her face was set stubborn and strong, trying to stare him down in spite of the tears, demanding that she should get her way, demanding it because it was right, because she deserved it.

Silently he shook his head at her, breathing hard and mouth slightly parted, seemingly amazed that he had lost so much control. He was still holding her by the shoulders, yet not so painfully as before, and his eyes were locked on her face as if she were the only thing he could see. ?You?re beautiful,? he said, simply and honestly, without breathiness or awe and not meaning it to sound like praise. His hands rose to her head, caressing her hair around her cheeks. ?You know that you are, right? You almost make me want?? He hung his head and released her, pushing himself away until he hit the wall and threw his head back, closing his eyes. ?I can?t do this.?

She was shaking. It was so bad she had to hold her own hands to keep them still. She felt better and worse all at once, better at having finally released the worst of her buried hurt, and worse at having to suffer the aftermath, better because he still wanted her, worse because she could have him. She wasn?t entirely sure what had just happened or what it meant, but it didn?t feel pleasurable or victorious. Having hurt Heero with her words and having been hurt in return, all she wanted now was to escape.

But the door was locked.

?I don?t know what you mean,? she said, her voice soft enough so that he wouldn?t hear the quaver. ?When you first reappeared I thought all my dreams had come true. I gave everything I had to that dream.?

?Relena.? Heero uttered her name softly, like a breeze, a flurry of fresh air that broke from his reserve and washed over her. It was just enough to force a crack in her composure. She turned her head swiftly aside so he wouldn?t see her tears. Heero?s voice took on a desperate, almost appealing tone, a tone that sounded unnatural on the smooth, dark quality of his voice. ?What can I do? What should I have done? I couldn?t leave you unprotected.? He didn?t say anything more, but she could hear him thinking, searching for something to say, knowing that nothing would do. Her decision to order him out of her life, even at the cost of her life, was not a practical resolution, and no rational justification for his actions would emancipate him. Her decision to hate him was not based on any deserving quality, but on a whim to soothe her broken heart. He didn?t speak, but pain crept into his face, the pain of uselessness, of despair.

She trembled before such eyes.

?It?s not that I would want you to let me die or get hurt,? she said quickly. ?It?s just that it hurts to see you when I can?t have you. You?re?? She thought of all the things she wanted to tell him, the biting castigation that would in some way compensate for her shredded feelings. She couldn?t explain why tears came to replace her words, melting that torrent of reprimands and the all-too-personal lacerations that she had meant to inflict upon him. Tears came despite her efforts to stop them, not because of her loss of love, but because she didn?t really want to hurt Heero anymore than he wanted to hurt her.

The realization struck her forcefully, and her both her tears and her anger vanished in an instant.

She took a deep breath. ?You told me you never loved me and never meant to.? And yet just now he had told her that she was beautiful. Had he almost kissed her before he pushed himself away? What did that mean? What was it that he couldn?t do? ?What are you saying now??

Heero propped himself up with his hands flat against the wall, staring down at the ground between the toes of his black boots. ?Nothing?s changed, Relena.?

Her heart thudded heavily and she closed her eyes, steeling herself against the pain but forcing herself to ask again. She mentally prepared for the explanation, numbing her mind and heart by reminding herself that the disappointment had already been endured. Nothing had changed, he said. She had spent weeks thinking out what hadn?t changed, going over his words, recalling her own regrets, interpreting the meaning of Heero?s unspoken desires, trying to understand his feelings and his reasons for them: She wasn?t what he was looking for, he cared about her but didn?t love her, she shouldn?t have had such high expectations, even if the attraction was there, sometimes feelings just wore off and couldn?t be called back?.etc.

At first Heero didn?t continue, though he must have known an explanation was expected. Instead he stood slumped against the wall as still as a stone, staring at nothing, looking inward at something Relena couldn?t see. When he spoke it was almost to himself. ?I?m not ready for this,? he said. ?I don?t think I?ll ever be ready for this. Whatever it is you want?It isn?t me.?

What she wanted? She lifted her head, studying what she could see of Heero?s face from beneath his hair. There was tension in every line, a strain that seemed familiar to Heero by the way the focus of his eyes seemed to direct inward, managing stress that seemed older than this moment, older than their relationship, a struggle that had been going on years before they had ever even met.

It struck her that he was hurting, hurting over something he was rather than the events of a day or a year, hurting as she had always intuitively known, though he had refused to admit it or share it with her. He wouldn?t cry, or even acknowledge the pain. Her lips parted instinctively. ?Heero??

She was about to say that it was okay, that she understood what he was fighting and that she could accept him and his past and love it and make room for it. But then it suddenly occurred to her that that wasn?t necessarily true. Wasn?t the past evidence enough? It was a simple truth that she had things that she wanted, things that she expected, an idea of life and love that was very different from anything Heero had experienced. She hadn?t realized how deeply her ideas of what love entailed were etched into her existence until her expectations failed to be met. She had always thought she was level-headed, accepting, adapting? But maybe that wasn?t true. Maybe she didn?t know herself and her desires as well as she thought she did. Maybe she didn?t know Heero very well either.

She had thought that he was perfect.

?I?ve been trying to understand what it is that I want,? Heero was saying, and it took her a moment to realize he had spoken and process the words. ?I screwed up, I know, but I didn?t mean to hurt you. Relena?? He said her name slowly and paused, looking up from the ground, not at her but at the wall, dark blue eyes seeming to glow with the fervor of his thoughts. ?At first it was just an idea. I thought I could adapt just by doing what other people were doing, by doing what was supposed to be done. In the past, whenever I thought of you I would think that maybe there was a chance that I could exist and live like other people live. You have always had this faith in me that I?ve never understood. It?s like you think I intend for things to happen the way they happen and that I create it somehow. But it?s you who does that, not me. I?ve never created anything. I just react with how I feel at any given moment. This whole relationship?everything that?s happened between you and me?has been like that. I never planned it out or thought where it was going or wondered how my reactions would affect other people. Even you. I assumed you had all that figured out and would make something beautiful out of it without my help. I don?t think I can help.? He paused, boring holes into the wall now. ?I lied to you about the war. I dream about it all the time, even now, almost every night, except for a brief period where I dreamed of you. But that didn?t last long. Even before I went out on that mission I knew that things were changing. The dreams came back, and the more serious things got between you and I the more suffocated I began to feel. I knew that I couldn?t live up to what you were creating, but it was more than that. It didn?t feel right. The feelings I had for you?the feelings I still have for you?are important to me, but they are largely self-serving, something to distract me from everything else; they aren?t what you would think of as love. I didn?t realize it at first, and I?m not sure I know how to explain it now. I like you and I?m attracted to you, but I don?t really want you around. Even without all the expectation, the kind of emotional responsibility that goes into this kind of thing is too much for me to deal with. I don?t want to be thinking of you all the time, or to be in any way obligated to you or responsible for your feelings, even though I know I am now whether I want to be or not. I don?t know if it really has anything to do with you, whether it?s because you?re not what?s good for me or if it?s just the state I?m in right now; all I can say is that this relationship doesn?t feel right. I only let it go on so long because I knew it was important to you and I didn?t want to destroy what you had created. You seemed so happy.?

Relena closed her eyes, taking deep, calming breaths, letting Heero?s words wash over her.

?It was a mistake,? he continued. ?I know I hurt you. I?m sorry I didn?t communicate what I?? He struggled, searching for words to explain.

She stood in front of Heero feeling empty, drained of everything except disappointment and hurt pride. He had never said so much to her before, and she wondered how difficult it was, and how long he had been thinking about it. It had occurred to her before that Heero might not know his own feelings, or wouldn?t know how to describe them, but she had never really thought of how that would feel to him, or what it would mean for her. All he could say was that what he felt was not what she wanted, and she couldn?t disagree.

So what did she want? Clearly it was something unreasonable, as was consistent with her usual flaws. He was right. She had never been content with only Heero. She wanted the dream of Heero, her prince from the sky; she wanted Heero to fulfill a girl?s wish of love and romance, excitement and security. When she met him she thought she had found the impossible, a boy whose strength of will was sufficient to give her the strength and courage she needed to move past her pain and embrace a fate of her own choosing. She had thought that her acceptance of him had yielded a bond where she could return the favor by lending to Heero the faith and hope he needed to become the kind of person a peaceful world needed. In a way, maybe it had, but that wasn?t her mistake. Her mistake was in thinking that their relationship, whatever it was, was fated or obligated to complete the fantasy that had begun her part of the journey.

Of course she was hurt. She had been like a little girl, a girl whose first dream had been crushed and who thought that life had to go with it. Of course she had taken it hard. She had taken it hard because in addition to idolizing Heero she had also expected perfection from herself. She had wanted the perfect romance, the perfect love, the perfect sexual experience, all leading up to a perfect happily ever after. And why not? She was Relena Peacecraft, or had been once. But that dream had never really been real either. Relena Peacecraft was an illusion, and always had been.

She finally got it. Heero was weak, as was she, and terribly confused at that; he was, as Wufei had explained to her when she was still too self-pitying to listen, hovering between two worlds, overextended to all his frayed edges. Heero came into her life when he needed someone desperately. He had wanted to be good to someone, to take care of someone, to be intimate with someone. He had tried, and failed, to assimilate into a life he had never known.

It was a gesture of submission when her hands fell limply to her sides, a visual letting go of the blame she had so desperately wanted to place on Heero; blame for something that was accidental, or at least not intentional. Indeed, a lot of it was her own fault. If anyone should have been stuck with the responsibility of communicating, it should have been her, she who prided herself on her ability to solve disputes by talking. Of course, knowing it didn?t assuage the pain of losing the first love of her life; indeed, in some ways it made it harder, made her feel worse about everything. She still wanted Heero more than she had ever wanted anything, and some part of her was busy thinking how she might change to better keep and love him, but logically, from all that had happened and from Heero?s own admission, she knew it wasn?t likely, or even in the best interest of either of them, to pursue it any further.

In the end, a broken heart was still a broken heart.

Heero still had not looked up from where he stood, lost in his own thoughts, thinking darkly on the mistakes he had made in the past and numbly on the bleak uncertainty of his prospected future alone.

Relena moved almost automatically toward him, stepping close enough to where his presence flooded all her senses with the feeling of him. She reached out to touch his jacket, smoothing her fingers over the leather and staring at the Preventor?s label stitched over the left breast. She was conscious of him shifting to look down at her, could feel his eyes drop from her face to the aimless wandering of her fingers. She wasn?t sure what she wanted, certainly not any kind of reciprocation, not now; maybe she just wanted to get her fill, to imprint a memory of Heery Yuy while her certainty and calm lasted.

She didn?t expect his arms to wrap around her and pull her into an almost crushing hug, but they did. He pulled her off her feet and slid back against the wall, both of their bodies sinking to the ground in a tangle of limbs and clothes and hair. The hard ceramic tiles felt cold against Relena?s bare calves and ankles, but she didn?t notice through the warmth of Heero?s chest, engulfed as she was in leather, her face pressed into the collar of his jacket and his arms wrapped tightly and comfortingly around her back.

?I?m sorry,? he whispered into her ear, and she began to cry, unable to hold it in when he was holding her. Her tears weren?t from anger or depression, but the sorrow that came with loss and disappointment and the knowledge that as soon as she was done crying she would have to let go and go on. But it was different crying in Heero?s arms than crying alone, and she clung to him as she cried, one hand wrapping around his neck and the other digging into his shoulder. He held her without saying anything, but his whole body held her close, and gave the impression that no matter what, she was safe.

?I wanted you to love me!? she wailed into his shoulder, and cried out the rhetorical questions she knew had no answers, the questions that couldn?t reasonably answered, and yet caused her the most pain. ?Why didn?t you? Why did I believe you would??

His hand lifted from her back to smooth her hair, and seemed to smooth her tears out as well. ?I?m sorry,? he said. ?I was careless. I?m sorry.?

Her tears stained the leather sleeves of his jacket and she clutched at the material. She cried until her throat hurt, until her eyes were red, her lungs soar and she couldn?t cry anymore. When she was spent of all her tears she just stopped, breathing deep to avoid hiccups, closing her eyes against Heero?s chest and submerging herself completely in a place and time that did not seem to really exist. A good cry always made her feel as if she were dreaming, like her reality had become a world of all things soft and indistinct, but during that moment of sustained surrealism, her tears dried on her cheeks.

?Heero,? she said at last, and knew that he was listening even if he didn?t say anything. ?I?m sorry that I?ve made things difficult, but I?m not sorry for anything else.?

He stirred, perhaps sighing, breathing deeply so that her head rose and fell with the movement of his chest. ?What do you mean??

?Even though it hurts now, I?m not sorry that I love you. And I?m not sorry that I believed you loved me, or for what we had together. Of all the paragons I?ve built in my head and idolized over the years, my idea of you and my love for you has meant the most to me. I?m happy I believed in it because that belief has made me grow and change in ways that I could never had conceived of otherwise. But I?m also glad that I?ve come to see how things really are, even though it has hurt me and even though I hurt you because of it. Whatever else happens, I want you to know that I think I needed this. Knowing you has truly changed me, and even if I mean nothing to you, now or in the future, I?ll always be grateful for that.?

?You?ll always mean something to me, Relena.?

She nodded but couldn?t speak anymore. It went without saying that he would be in her heart forever, though she might not always love him as she did now. Some part of her would always idolize and care for him; some part of her would always want the best for him, even if it wasn?t her, no matter how much that hurt; she would never forget him.

Heero kissed her hair, his lips pressing into her scalp, and she closed her eyes, listening to the sound of silence in this little room that was like its own world to her now. She wanted her last memory of Heero?if a last memory she had to have?to be full of hope and purity, a reflection of the strength and kindness that had drawn her to him in the first place. She would tuck her memory of these moments in a corner of her heart and just remember what it felt like to have his arms around her, trying so hard to protect and care for her, trying to learn how to protect her heart.

?I love you,? she said, not with reverence, but simply, just to say it one last time. ?I don?t know where you?ll go or what you?re planning to do, but if you?re ever ready, come see me.?

?Don?t wait for me,? he said. ?I?m serious, Relena. Don?t wait. I?m not planning on coming back.?

It was a refusal, softened a little to cushion the blow, but also what she expected. Even so, she had to stifle a tight choking feeling in her chest and throat before she could nod, accepting what had to be accepted, knowing that eventually, someday, her heart would catch up with her head. ?Okay,? she agreed in a whisper that barely passed through her lips.

He hugged her once more, but she shifted for release. If it was truly over then it was time to move on; she couldn?t stay here all day and didn?t want to. Disentangling herself from Heero, she stood up, stretching her back and stepping out into her own space. She turned to watch Heero wordlessly, containing her feelings for him in her heart, trying to keep them from her face. She had to pretend that she was over it, at least for now. Heero rose to his feet without ceremony, his face impassive and indiscernible. She wondered how he was feeling. Perhaps he was melancholy, regretful, or sad for her, but it was just as likely that he didn?t feeling anything, or that he felt content or relieved or pleased. She couldn?t blame him for whatever he felt with any more fairness than she could blame herself for her feelings; she was glad that his control over his expressions kept her from seeing it. She knew she wanted Heero to be happy, someday, but she preferred not to know about it just yet. Maybe in a few months?

Heero drew out his gun and aimed it at the lock on the door.

She started out of her thoughts. ?Is that all right?? she asked.

He grunted. ?Keeping you safe was not the reason they locked us in here.?

?Oh,? she said, and decided not to comment further, but she put a hand on his arm before he pulled the trigger, halting the shot that would open the door and free them from the room as well as one another?s presence. ?Heero, there?s something I would like you to do for me if you?re not in a hurry.?

?There is also something I need to take care of. What is it you need??

?I need to return to the auditorium. The Preventors would have kept everyone in the same place and I need to be with them. I feel responsible for those people. They could be in a panic, or injured....? She took a deep breath, hardening her resolve. ?Did you see Avery??

?He retreated,? Heero said without emotion. ?He?s probably left the building. It would be the sane thing to do.?

?Will you escort me onto the stage?? she asked. ?I would like to finish my speech, but I can?t walk on that stage unguarded. I think my return would be would be more calming if a Preventor was to be visibly seen protecting me.?

He nodded. When she had nothing more to say, he turned his attention back to the lock on the door. Realigning his target, he fired one clean, straight shot, the expulsion of the bullet muffled by a silencer.

The handle clattered to the floor, deadbolt and all, and the door swung open.

Fresh air rushed into the room and Heero and Relena wasted no time stepping over the threshold. Outside in the hall, just a little ways away from the black floors that marked the official backstage behind the auditorium, anxiety hovered in the air like a gray veil, the murmuring buzz generated by a crowd of nervous people hushed in fretful apprehension. No one graced the backstage behind the curtains, neither event staff nor technician assistants or the faintest hint of security. It was in the auditorium, a place Relena could not see behind the curtain, that an audience waited for a resolution. Their voices rumbled like a small earthquake in a desert, muted and constrained, but too charged to keep silent; it was an atmosphere indicative of control but not serenity, safety but not security, acceptance but not happiness.

Relena identified with those feelings, her heart connecting to the hearts of those who waited. She understood that feeling of expectation, of waiting so long for something that the wait became more unbearable that the lack of that which was waited for. She also understood the confusion and dread that an unforeseen disaster could stir in the heart when the expectation went unfulfilled. For the people in the auditorium, those feelings were bound to the shock that an attack on their leaders had sparked in the breasts. They had come tonight expecting to celebrate a formal announcement of a decision they knew had already been made. They had expected to see Relena endorse Tom Avery as a candidate for the ESUN Presidency and secure their future happiness; instead they had seen Relena struck down and watched while Avery abandoned them. What portent must their words carry as they sat together and pondered the blunt and clumsy instrument of fate?

Today was the day she would put aright all her recent mistakes.

Relena glanced at Heero?s profile in the gloom, not for comfort, but as a reminder that from now on she would have to rely on her own strength. Being alone with him here was not the same kind of privacy that they had shared behind closed doors, but it was intimate in a different way. Once, before they had become as they were now, the thought of standing together with Heero on the tail end of a crisis would have filled her with conviction and the determination to resist opposition and rebuild whatever had been broken. Now she felt only the calm of inevitability, accepting the course of events as she might a natural disaster no one could have foreseen or stopped, and for which there was no one to blame and nothing to resist. All that was left was to survey the damage of the ruin left by calamity and quietly begin to pick up the pieces?not to rebuild, but to go on. And that was strength too.

As if sensing her thoughts, Heero turned his head to meet her eyes and gave her a nod.

?Thank you,? she said, and meant it for everything, even the pain in her heart, pain she would use to strengthen her resolve and reshape her spirit. It was also?in some ways?a farewell.

Taking a deep breath, Relena walked forward, stepping away from Heero and entering the wing beside the stage where light spilled into the gloom shaded by the curtain. Heero followed her swiftly, flanking her doggedly, but also like an insubstantial shadow. As they emerged into the golden light of the stage, the murmurings of the crowd hitched and sputtered into silence. Heero drew eyes with the dangerous stride of a man who had never failed to complete a task to which he was assigned, no matter how violent or perilous, but it was Relena who caught hearts. Relena flowed onstage like the rush of wind or the flood of water, her fluid and measured steps attracting glances in a wave that began on one side of the auditorium and spread fiercely to the other. As eyes landed on her figure, illuminated as she was under the stage light, voices ceased to sound, and by the time she reached the auditorium, she had drawn the undivided attention of every person in the room. Heero stopped a few feet from the curtain, but Relena continue forward, crossing the stage alone until she reached the podium that had been set for Avery in the center of the stage. She paused behind it, her gaze sweeping across the room in an unhurried assessment of those who were present to listen to her speak.

The stared back, astonished faces lit with sudden interest and hope, those who were not seated sinking down where they were, even on the floor in the aisles. They looked at her as if she were an apparition, and as well they might if the explosion that knocked her flat on the stage had been aimed to kill her and after which she had suddenly disappeared. She doubted the Preventors would have allowed rumors to spread that she was dead or injured when they knew she was neither, but rumors could never entirely be controlled without solid proof. And now here she was.

?Good Afternoon,? she said into the microphone, and her voice echoed compellingly in the silence. She knew they expected her to tell them to remain calm, to comment on her own well-being, or to announce that the perpetrator of the explosion incident had been caught, but nothing could have been further from her mind. The calamities of the past were in the past. It was time to move forward.

?I would like to make an announcement,? she said. Heero glanced at her out of the corner of his eye, seemingly curious, though he had not asked what she had intended when he had the chance. Ignoring him, she waited, noticing some members of the event staff scrambling to signal the operators of the TV cameras that the Preventors had no doubt ordered off during the confusion, and then continued as if her lengthy pause had been planned only for its dramatic effect. ?I come to you tonight as Relena Darilan, Earth?s elected Representative to the Colonies and Vice Minister of Foreign Affairs, and I stand before you now as a woman grievously appalled.? When she spoke it was with the fluidity of a practiced speech, her voice reaching out to every ear, pausing frequently so that the impact of each word rang out distinctly in the still and empty air. ?Tonight you have witnessed firsthand evidence that, in spite of all of our work in the last few years, the world is still not a safe place. This incident was misdirected, and should not dissuade us from continuing here what we set out to do. I applaud you for the courage and faith with which you have continued to support peace through a commitment to open communication, understanding, honesty, fairness, and credence toward the development of greater felicity between human beings. These are goals not easily attained, and some would warn you of the danger of believing too strongly in the frailty of such ideals, but in lieu of events which occurred earlier this afternoon, I can only stand amazed at your tenacity. I said a moment ago that I come before you appalled, but my dismay is not in regard to the misdirected incident you have witnessed tonight, nor for any failing of yours, but because I have come to believe that I myself have not been living up to the standards in my day-to-day life that I have just so faithfully endorsed as our global purpose. I have been diligent but shy in my responsibilities, and as I am still learning and growing through my relationships with other people I do not possess all knowledge as how to best attain the qualities in myself that I so highly esteem in the spirit of humanity.? She took a breath, feeling herself stir with life, trembling not from nervousness, but the passion of sincerity. ?However, I do not believe that my weakness is cause to doubt, or reason to lose hope. It is through understanding our flaws and failures that we are inspired to do great things. It is therefore with unwavering surety that I have made a decision I did not anticipate making, but in which I believe with all my heart.?

A breathless silence descended over the auditorium, as if no one dared to breathe lest some disturbance should disturb the sanctity of the moment. Relena lifted her chin, blue eyes flashing as they caught the light and matched her voice to the sure, steady rhythm of her heart.

?I wish to dedicate my life to the pursuit and the protection of humanity?s frail hope that this world can be an ideal place to live, not in the realization of an impossible ideal, but in anticipation that the tempering of real life experience will render us wise enough to achieve a richer life and fuller hope in keeping with our goals. It is with this aspiration that I announce my own intention to run for the position of President of the Earth Sphere United Nation.?

Even before she finished speaking, a roar erupted in the cavernous hall. Relena stood behind the podium stunned, blinking into a sudden blinding flash of cameras, her heart drumming to a sound she slowly recognized as thunderous applause. Her gaze swung to all corners of the room, meeting the faces of the people who cheered for her. As she turned her head, she caught a glimpse of Heero vanishing back into the darkness of the wing, too late to say anything to stop him, and knowing there was nothing more to say. Already there were other people climbing up onto the stage, Preventors who had never been gundam pilots and official figures from her work, men and women she had told numerous times that she had no ambition of running for the presidency. Olivia was laughing as if Relena had played a good joke on her. Some of her other associates and assistants looked discontent, not for her choice to run she was sure, but because she had announced her intentions so suddenly and they would be working all night, probably for weeks, to catch up to her announcement. She would have to designate a campaign staff quickly, and would likely rally people to her side who had already agreed to campaign for Avery. He would be furious with her, she knew, but it didn?t matter. Win or lose, this was what she wanted, and she was ready to give it everything she had, to erase what could not be and build a new dream on new materials of her own ability and her own making.

It was time to move forward. It was time to reclaim what had been lost.





It's not over yet! The whole thing isn't posting to BI correctly (maybe it's too large?) So there are two files.