Starman chapter 17

[wsprs]

Duo scratched his nose. He was having difficulty getting used to the latex that stretched over his skin, obscuring otherwise blatant features. He sighed as he grit his teeth, but forced himself to calm down. Une wanted him to get close. That meant he had to disguise himself. If this man had been in Relena?s house, odds were he had seen at least ten photos of Duo, therefore this annoying mask was made necessary. He skewed his face into a semi-snarl. He had thought this would be fun! But when Trowa cocked an eyebrow at him while smiling, he knew something was amiss.
Damn Trowa probably put itching powder in the glue.
He sighed. From now on, he?d be either dressed in a clown costume like Trowa, totally buried behind a bunch of Magnauts like Quatre, or simply unavailable like Wufei. In any case, he?d never allow another photograph of himself to be taken ever again. No more popping into the camera?s view at every opportunity! He?d be invisible!
Scratching his cheek, he looked in the rear-view mirror to be sure his makeup was still intact. It still surprised him to see an old man looking back. He shook his head to expel the sense of weirdness, and distracted himself by glancing at his passenger again. He still couldn?t get over it! Not only was this guy a precise replica of Heero, he even had some of Heero?s mannerisms. He bit his lip and chanced a longer, more assessing glance. The man was totally oblivious, which the real Heero would never have been. He chuckled to himself.
Man, I always knew you weren?t human. But this is ridiculous!

Still, Duo wasn?t sure. He wouldn?t put it passed Heero to wait until everyone was completely fooled before causally deciding to allow everyone in on some supreme secret. He rolled his eyes as he tried to picture Heero?s explination,
?I never said I was not myself. I was merely using your assumption to my advantage. Now that the mission has been accomplished, I?ll simply drop the act. By the way, April Fools Day.?
Of course, Duo couldn?t imagine what mission would require a huge hoax, and a year of alleged death. No. He was positive. This man was not Heero Yuy. Which left trying to figure out who he really was, and why he was here. Most importantly, why had Relena been involved?

Duo was sure that Relena had been kidnapped. He knew the Minister far too well to believe otherwise. Of course, her actions the passed two days could only conclude that she had decided to stay with her abductor and help him in some way. He chuckled. How typical! If Relena thought she could help the Devil, she?d try. He knew because most believed him the Devil, and Relena was usually sticking up for him. His chuckle evolved into a jovial laugh, which earned him a quizzical look from his companion. The look on Heero?s face amused him so much that he decided to play. After all, it wasn?t often Duo had the upper hand over Heero Yuy ? and this guy actually reacted to Duo?s behavior.
?You wanna cigarette??
Duo pulled out a pack of cigarettes. He wasn?t sure what kind they were, he had just grabbed them to complete his over-abundant ?covert costume? as a cook in a cheap trucker restaurant. He flicked his wrist, and a camel dislodged itself from the rest and stuck out of the box. He took it between his teeth, and repeated the process before handing it to his passenger. The man just looked plain confused, but it was delectable to see him trying so hard to appear like he knew what was going on. He took the cigarette from the box, and looked at Duo. Duo grinned.

Duo popped a lighter from his jacket pocket and lit his own camel. He didn?t usually smoke, but it had helped to learn to do it. You never knew when asking someone for a light would turn into useful conversation, especially during a war whilst infiltrating an enemy base. Turning towards his companion, he held the fire aloft. When the other cigarette was lit, Duo put the lighter back. He leered and tried to hide his glee.
This is going to be worth all the times he pulled my hair?
With an embellished air, he took the longest, deepest drag he had ever taken in his life. He almost choked, but caught himself in time to let the smoke blow out of his nose. It burned, but if he opened his mouth, he was sure he would gag. Duo turned toward the other man and simply watched expectantly.

The alien looked at the burning paper between his lips. He had watched the cook very carefully, and was quite sure he knew what he was supposed to do, if not why. Blinking, he simply sucked as hard as he could. At first, he didn?t register the searing hot fire that filled his lungs. When the sensation finally hit him, he was baffled. Looking at the driver with wide eyes full of tears, his body wretched the foul embers. Smoke billowed about his head, and he heaved with convulsions that nearly split his body in two, and shook the car. Desperately, he tried to gain control of his violent coughing, and succeeded in coughing all the more.
Duo was flabbergasted. He didn?t know why, but he hadn?t really expected such a huge reaction. Part of him still believed ? wanted to believe this might be Heero? He shrugged and hit the poor fellow on the back.
?You OK??
The man only looked at him, clearly miserable, and hacked again. Duo hit him again, harder.
?Seems pretty clear you ain?t from ?round here.?
The alien looked up when he gained control of himself, still heaving once every so often.
?Ain?t? ain?t from ?round here.?
Duo blinked. The man had a miraculous talent for mimicking accents, even if his inflection remained extremely bizarre. Still, it was impressive. If he didn?t know better, he?d believe whole-heartedly that this man was, well, a man.

A minute flew by, and everyone was breathing normally. Duo had tossed his cigarette out of the window, not at all remorseful. But, the silence remained even if the smoke did not, and he was entirely too curious to allow it to continue. He fidgeted and wrinkled his nose in distaste before blowing out an exasperated sigh. He tossed his head to his passenger, and cocked his eyebrow. Might as well make small talk. This Heero was as likely to start a conversation as the last one.
?So. Whad?dya do??
The man casually turned his head and warily looked into Duo?s eyes.
Geez. It?s like the man doesn?t trust me! And it?s only been like? an hour!
His companion?s gaze softened, and he answered.
?I? make maps.?
Maps? Like inter stellar ones? Now that?s interesting.
?Maps? You make any money??
The alien cocked his head and squinted in confusion.
Duo grinned.
?Ya know. Cash. Green. Dough. Bread. An arm and a leg??
The alien blinked in understanding, then scrunched his nose in confusion once more.
?Naw? I.. make maps??
Duo almost swallowed his tongue, but was able to keep his smile soft. He pulled his wallet out of his jacket pocket, and opened it so that a photo of Hilde could be seen.
?This?s my girl. She don?t make maps, but she shore can cook!?
The Heero-look-alike tried to peer at the photo, but Duo snatched it away before the alien could recognize her. It wouldn?t do to say she was a cook when the last time this man had seen her, she was a gas attendant almost 1000 miles away. Instead, Duo eased his facial features to take on the pride he genuinely felt.
?She?s?a one who?d got me into cookin?. S?a good life, butcha don?t make much money.?
When the man beside him raised his head in interest, Duo got the feeling it wasn?t because his conversation was interesting. Dejected, he turned his gaze to follow that of his companion?s. He nearly laughed out loud.
There she blows! Right on schedule.
He swallowed his glee and took on an aggravated aura as he slowed the car to a stop. There was an impressive line of autos waiting to be searched. More than a little cheerful, Duo tried to hide his glee with a frustrated huff, and opened the door. He was going to investigate a road block that, to his knowledge, was supposed to be a surprise from Une. The Lady had a way of making impulsive, decisive orders when she believed something to be true. Apparantly, in the last couple of hours she had decided that with the accumulation of all the reports that had come in from all the other pilots over the last 2 days, plus the trouble she was having believing Wufei?s version of Relena?s telephone call ? that the man who could be Heero ? wasn?t. Duo clucked his tongue.. As for the rest of the pilots, they were willing to give Relena?s companion a chance. Now if only they could get Zechs to agree, they might have something to work with. So far, they were playing a game of cat and mouse and were bound to get caught very quickly.

Duo shook his head and focused on the road block. What Zechs didn?t know wouldn?t hurt him, and right now, it was good because Zechs was being used. He turned his head towards his passenger, and twisted his mouth in a wry grin.
?Must be a road block, I guess. I?m?a gonna check it out.?
The man still in the car looked from the line of people to Duo?s eyes.
?Road block, I guess.?
Satisfied that the alien would wander off, Duo turned to find Zechs, who most certainly thought that Duo believed the road block was unexpected. He grinned cockily. Why did everyone always underestimate him? Like it was difficult tapping in to Une?s com when she contacted the Lightning count. In fact, he had a running wire that all the pilots could tap into if they chose. And they did. They had all agreed no less than immediately after Une and Zechs?s ?private? conversation that if the Preventors wanted a road block, they could have one. Of course, they would receive a show in return. Together, they would rip the Preventor ass hole a new ass hole!

Why they were all helping, each had reasons of their own. But the bottom line was none of them were as enthusiastic about killing the abductor of Relena Peacecraft as they had been two days ago.

He walked towards the front of the line, shoulders in a determined line.


The alien got out of the car and followed the cook with his eyes as he walked away. There was something familiar about him, but he dismissed it. He was entirely too interested in the road block. He saw in front of him a line of pedestrians, and went to join them. When he was close enough, he heard some of them speak.
?Whad?dya think?s goin? on here??
?I dunno. Alls I know iz I?s told to leave my car an? stand here.?
?Ya think this got somethin? ta do wit? the Min?ster?s stolen car??
?Prob?ly.?
He cocked his head, and tried to look as puzzled and as impatient as the line of people. It wasn?t difficult, he didn?t have the first clue what was going on.

Relena felt the car slow, and looked to Trowa to see why he was stopping. He silently indicated with a nod of his head that she direct her attention in front of them. She did so, and sucked in a breath.
?Trowa??
?I know. I?ll create a diversion. You?ll find him lined up over there by all those people.?
She turned her head and caught Trowa?s gaze. Smiling, she simply nodded and didn?t bother asking how he could know where her friend would be. He pursed his lips in what could have been a return smile.
?There?s a can of gasoline in the back. I?m quite sure I can make a pretty boom. That should give you enough time.?
She raised her eyebrows in surprise. This time, he gave a cocky grin.

Minutes later, she was out of the car and surveying the people lined up on the road. Behind her, Trowa was driving in circles, building get away speed. She counted to herself. When she reached 100, she heard the explosion, and felt the heat as it blew her hair around her. Smiling, she ran to the queue, her target located.

He jumped as the sound rocketed the air. Flames billowed in a plume of smoke and ashes, and the thunderous sound echoed against the lines of cars. The people around him shouted in confusion, and some began to run screaming about earthquakes, volcanoes, and mobile suits. Scores of officers and law enforcement agents scrambled from all along the line of cars and bodies to catch the vandal culprit, who was now speeding down the road.
Curious as he was mystified, he tried to follow the blur of black and red as it raced from the 20 odd police cars.

Suddenly, his air was choked off as an unseen force grabbed his jacket from behind and pulled his body to the grassy median. He tripped on the silver rail, and landed a few feet down the hill on his ass, hard. Blinking, he felt someone grab his arms and help him stand. It wasn?t until a body was thrust into those arms with incredible force, did he recognize who his abductor was. The smell of her hair gave her away.

Slowly, he returned the embrace, and only let go when Relena forced him away.
?What did you think you were doing? Just leaving me like that? I was so worried about you I couldn?t see straight!!?
He could tell she was trying to keep the liquid in her eyes, and recognized the action that accompanied only painful emotions. Slowly, he reached to her face and captured a tear with one of his fingers. He studied it, a severe and tender look deep in his eyes. Only when he looked to her eyes did he abandon the tear to the ground. She was trying to look inside him, to understand. He blinked, and allowed her inside.
?Is a danger to be close near me, Releena Pease-craft.?
Her breath exploded from her chest in release, and her eyes filled with compassionate understanding. Again, she threw herself into his arms, and he welcomed her stay until she pulled away. Blinking at him, she smiled.
?Just ? just don?t do that again. OK? I have this thing against people leaving without saying goodbye.?
He nodded, but he was clearly puzzled. She looked up as she surfed her brain for an explanation.
?Goodbye is??
Her eyebrows scrunched, and her eyes grew unfocused.
?It?s when you tell someone you care about what happens to them. That you hope the best for them while they are gone, and that you will miss them until they come back. When you tell someone goodbye, you hug them. You kiss them. Sometimes you tell them that you love them. But you never leave without saying a word.?
She looked into his eyes.
?When you left without telling me goodbye, I was so afraid??
He cocked his head, and cupped her cheek with a gentle hand. She turned into the caress, and covered his hand with her own.
?I was afraid I would never see you again.?
His eyes looked down on her, dark and mysterious with the untamed emotion she couldn?t quite place. Instead of speaking, she forced herself to look away from his intoxicating stare and smile as she tugged on his hand.
?Follow me, and keep low.?
He allowed himself to be led by a cautious, stooping Relena, who watched the road for any sign of notice as they crept along. With his back straight, he lowered himself and walked by bending his legs into a semi-squat. In front of them, the highway formed a bridge. Under it, another highway emerged, perpendicular to the one they had been on. Relena smiled. That was CO-14 West, if the map stuffed in her pocket was right. Now, all they needed was a Good Samaritan.

Luck was with them, or so she thought until she saw platinum blond hair covering the head of the driver. An ironical leer spread across her face, and she rolled her eyes.
?Remind me why I once believed in coincidence. Because right now I believe coincidence is a complete fabrication made up by those who are more cynical about fate than realistic.?
She turned to the man next to her, and got a blank look in response. The corner of her lip lifted and she turned back towards the vehicle that had now come to a stop.
?Nevermind. Come on! We don?t want to keep them waiting!?
The wind tossed her hair as she ran towards the waiting automobile, tugging the contented alien behind her. She nodded a greeting to Dorthy who was seated on the truck?s bed, holding a sleeping infant to her breast, and climbed into the bed of the royal purple 1947 Ford F-100 with yellow lighting bolts on the sides. She whistled.
?What is it with you guys and classics? Don?t you realize that even one of these ? functional no less, is worth more than I make in a year??
Quatre looked into the rearview mirror and caught her eyes. His eyes twinkled, and she could tell he was smiling.
?I suppose they remind us of ourselves. Roughed up and beaten by consequence, yet reliable and stubborn enough to make it through unbelievable odds. Plus, once you see passed the grunge, they clean up damn well without losing a bit of kick.?
Relena returned the smile before turning to help her companion embark. Careful to hide her face with her cascading hair, she turned to sit, and inched over so the alien would have room to sit next to her. She didn?t want him ? or Quatre or Dorthy for that matter - to see her disappointment, or the tears threatening to fall. It was trivial, anyway. But the conversation with Quatre had plucked at her heart. She suddenly missed her mustang, and Milliardo seemed thousand of light years away.

As Quatre hit the gas, she began to feel better. She loved the wind in her hair, and the stars were beginning to come out. She suddenly giggled. The man beside her shifted his weight slightly and looked at her. She leaned into him and shook her head indicating it was nothing. He watched her for a moment in curiosity, but stayed silent. When turned his own face into the wind, he suddenly understood. It was surprising that such pleasure could come from something so simple, and he smiled as the wind blew his hair.
?It?s seems strange that after all the sacrifices, being forced to endure so much, and fighting so hard, the only things we want are as simple as letting the wind blow against our faces.?
Startled, Relena looked towards Dorthy. The two appeared to take comfort in the silent, albeit mutual understanding. Relena smiled softly, and Dorthy nodded before lifting the blanket slightly to check on the sleeping baby. Wistful and suddenly close to tears again, Relena dropped her head. An arm drew her into a soothing embrace, and she leaned into it. She felt his warm breath on the flesh of her neck, and shivered. He spoke to her soflty.
?You have a baby??
Startled, she looked up sharply. His eyes were soft and inquisitive.
?Um. No. I.. I can?t have a child.?
His eyebrows twisted in confusion.
?Why you can?t have a baby??
Her vision blurred, but she did not look away. Instead, she tried to concentrate on his eyes. They were so open and caring, yet they still thrilled her with their feral alienness. She felt herself be drawn into his gaze, and had to shake herself before she fell into their depths.
?I??
He nodded in a semblance of supportive understanding.
?I under-stand the reproducing process of Earth persons. You need me to explain??
In spite of herself, she laughed.
?No. I think I?m quite familiar with the way Humans reproduce.?
He cocked his head and peered at her, questioning in his eyes.
?Then why??
She looked at him long and hard, trying to answer. Blinking, she finally gave in and closed her eyes, allowing her body to go numb. She welcomed the liberation as it slowly made its way through her limbs and into her shambled mind. It was the same feeling she had in the diner, when she confided in someone at last, and had told a story about a honeymoon. Only now, the feeling was accompanied by another feeling. Desperate, she clung to this new feeling, and encouraged it to grow. She knew that when she opened her eyes and looked into his, she would feel strength. She was tired of pushing away from everyone, living with pain alone. She wanted his strength. God only knew that she was too weak to walk through this part of her heart on her own.

She opened her eyes. She was ready.
?I was pregnant once.?
He blinked at her. Then he blinked again. She smiled, but it was a smile of pain.
?That time under the tree.. our honeymoon.?
His eyebrows lifted in understanding, but he stayed silent and waited for her to continue.
?Heero probably knew before I did. But he let me come to him. When I did, he told me I had a choice. I could either keep the baby ? or I could keep him.?
She looked down, but didn?t try to hide her tears.
?At the time I thought he was being selfish, though I couldn?t understand why. Now I know better. He believed I would choose the child. He thought that if I chose the child, it would be an admission that I no longer needed him? Needed his love. He would go off to the shadows and protect the world from there, feeling that I would have all the love from the child that he was so afraid to show me. Because of what he knew I would sacrifice if he did.?
She looked up, and her eyes were full of horror and tears.
?Only he underestimated me. I chose him.?
Looking away, she plucked at her shoe strings and continued.
?Oh, I suppose he thought there was a possibility that I could chose him ? but he believed, and he was right, that if I chose him, my love for him would be tainted with sorrow and bitterness. Maybe he thought that if my love for him wasn?t perfect, I would understand that some sacrifices should never be made.?
She looked into his eyes again, and saw a reflection of her own grief staring back at her. Her lip trembled, but she smiled and raised her hand to caress his face.
?I told him my decision right then and there. He hid it well, but I could see revulsion on his face. But I also saw relief. I am still unsure which I loathed more.?
Her eyes became dark with the fervor of fury and loss before softening once more.
?But- it was ultimately my decision. I had made it. All that I was feeling, all that I?ve felt since that day ? it was all by my choice. I don?t blame Heero. I never did. But after that day, whenever we made love, which was not often and more out of pent up rage and passion than love, that decision was between us. We never spoke about it, but it was a thorn in our shoe, rubbing against a raw blister.?
She slumped, and her words became hushed.
?I went to him a few months later. Told him I had changed my mind. I told him I wanted a.. a child.?
She collapsed into his arms and sobbed silently into his shirt. He stroked her hair, and held her while she shook. An unfathomable pain wound a way around his heart and squeezed. After a moment, his shakes joined hers.

Relena noticed, and immediately backed away from him. She looked into his agonized eyes, and suddenly her mind snapped. She saw what she believed must be all her accumulated pain, all her frustrations, all her confusion and anger ? swell and pulsate within his eyes. Putting her hand to her throat to still her rasping breaths before one could erupt into a cry, she reached out to him with her other hand. He slowly placed his head on her shoulder, and desperately, she rocked him back and forth, humming softly between her sobs.
?Now. Now. It?s alright. Everything is alright.?
They stayed like that for what could have been hours. The sky was swiftly turning dark, and menacing clouds began to cluster. The smell of rain was thick, but it comforted them both. When his weight shifted, she hugged him tighter and twisted locks of his hair between her fingers. She closed her eyes and rested her chin on top of his head. His smell was intoxicating. She always felt safe when his smell was thick around her. His arms were still twined around her as though she was a lifeline, and she felt her body slowly being crushed by the strength of his embrace. Yet, it was another thing that brought her comfort. She relaxed, and felt him do so as well. When his breathing was steady, she let go of the soft buzz that was slowly putting her to sleep. She wasn?t finished, yet. So, she continued.
?I held him like this. Right after I asked him for another child. When he looked up and into my eyes, I knew. The horror and the aching look of absolute pain.. I knew. He had made me sterile. The pills I took to abort the child. They were permanent.?
She shook in a dry, rasping chuckle that sounded more like the moan from a dying animal.
?I started to laugh. One minute I was standing there, and the next I was on the floor. Somehow in the middle of it all, I ended up cradling him. Exactly like this.?
She hugged him tighter again, and only eased her death grip when she felt him tighten his.
?Yet I accepted it. In my mind, it was worth his love. I told myself that if I could never be a mother, at least I could have his love.?
She closed her eyes and teased his curls, reveling in the ache that throbbed inside her rib cage for the first time in years. She allowed her sorrow to wash over her, and as she felt the slow penetration ease throughout her body, she began to feel heavy. Her breath came from lungs that sank so far inside her she had to pull forcefully and deeply for air. For the first time since her honeymoon with Heero, she felt that she could be whole. She knew she was strong enough to embrace the sorrow that followed the storm. She was strong enough to find comfort in it as it devastated her, forcing itself to become one with her. No longer would she be partitioned or forced to choose between one emotion or the other. No longer would she deny her feelings. She would have a good life, even if she were never fully happy again. At least now, she could live with her emotions? all of them.

She opened her eyes.
?I?ve seen the truth. But only now did I fully understand it. Thank you, Trowa.?

She smiled as the man resting on her looked up and into her eyes. She softly shook her head.
?It?s nothing. Rest now. We?ll be stopping for gas soon.?

She closed her eyes as he complied, and thought back to the day Heero collapsed into her arms after she realized she was unable to have children. This was the first recollection she allowed since that time.

She slowly stopped rocking him back and forth, but he stayed in her arms. After a minute of silence, she spoke.
?Heero. Just tell me one thing.?
He stiffened, but nodded once.
?Do you.. love me??
After a pause so long she felt he had fallen asleep, he answered.
?Yes.?
The word didn?t surprise her, but she felt a jolt of melancholy. He sounded so terse and dutiful. So restrained and remorseful. She suppressed her tears. If he loved her against his will, she wanted to know why.
?Why??
This time, his answer was immediate, but more filled with more longing than regret.
?Because I?m the only one who can.?
She twisted his words in her mind. Yes. That seemed right. If truth be told, that was precisely why she felt that she loved him. It was out of obligation on a level, but more of an obligation out of need than duty. She needed to love, and he was the only one whom she could love. It made sense that because of her need to love him, she would be the only one able to love him, as he needed. Of course he would love her for the same reasons.
He seemed to read her mind.
?As a soldier, I needed to love you because you were the symbol of peace. When I fought, I fought for you. For peace. I never separated you from that symbol, but I never believed it was right to do so. As a man? I love you as a soldier still. Fighting may yet become necessary again? But right now. As a man who no longer fights? I need a purpose. You are still peace. But you are also a woman. You need to be loved. And it is my purpose to do so.?
She nodded her head and sifted his hair through her fingers.
?Yes. I need to be loved. But I also need to love. As well it is for you. You need love, and you need to be loved. So, we agree we are the only two able to give what the other needs, and accept what the other gives. I might be sterile, but as long as we live by our agreement, I will want for naught.?
He simply squeezed her in response and pulled away from her embrace. He stood slowly, looking at the floor, silently. They stayed like that for a minute before he gently raised his hand to help her stand. She took it, and they stood facing each other for unending minutes. He brushed his fingers down her jaw line, wiping her tears, nodded once, and turned to walk out the door. He seemed so defeated, so alone. So out of reach. She supposed he felt the same way about her. So, she stared after him as he walked away, smiling softly, weeping without a sound.

As the memory faded, she opened her eyes and twisted her face into a snarl.
That was about three months before he went and died on me. Not only was I cheated out of a life with him; I was cheated out of having children. Ever. When he died, he took every possibility of me finding happiness with him to his grave.

The body sleeping against her shoulder lifted out of her embrace, sensing something change. He stared down into her eyes. Instead of feeling caught, she felt liberated. Looking from one eye to the other, they stared at each other until finally, he lowered his head so that their foreheads touched. The contact was brief, but it was pleasant. They broke and he sat back upright. She was content to rest her head on his shoulder, looking up to the twinkling stars, her memory lingering in her mind. Only now, she didn?t scowl. She smiled.
I never forgot our agreement, Heero. I still love you. I?ll always love you.
She snuggled into the warm body beside her, and fell into a peaceful sleep.

[kawaiiemogirl]

Mmmmhmm. It's getting good.