Reminiscent Onus (PG-13/ Angst)

[Andrea]

You can skip this part if you've already read it and go to part 2 at the bottom.

<b>Reminiscent Onus</b>
By Andrea Sinisterra
Rated PG-13
Angst
Standard Disclaimers Apply

Author's note: I?m reposting this part. This was originally written in 2003, posted in 2004 and finished in 2005. *laughs* About time, ne?

I didn't know how many of you had already read this, but for those who haven't and for those who don't remember, I'll post it again so you can understand part 2.

Happy reading!

* * *

Part 1

<i>His eyes opened; the brightness of the room like a thousand needles to his brain. It was still too early for the day to start, yet, too late to go back to sleep. It was one of those moments when he knew he should get up and start his day, but for some reason, the warmth beside him seemed too welcoming to leave. He propped up on his elbow, rubbing his eyes lazily, before he cast his eyes at the woman lying beside him. Blissfully asleep. Lucky her.

Yet, not too lucky when a bundle of energy burst into the room, and hopped onto the bed, eager to wake his parents.

"First day, first day! Wake up!" Adrian shook his mother, bouncing earnestly on the bed. "Mom! I know you're listening! Wake up!"

Heero groaned, pulling his son into his arms, and ducking under the covers. The father yawned, and tried to go back to sleep.

"Dad, this isn't funny. I know you're awake." The seven year old boy moved his hand under the sheets, and proceeded to tickle his mother awake.

"You'll regret that."

Ignoring his father's words, Adrian reached for his sleeping mother's waist.

Relena Yuy shrieked, and bolted upright, a parade of tangled locks and a scowling face. "I'm up!"

After making sure his mother was, indeed, awake, Adrian Yuy bounced off the bed and left the room to shower and get ready for his first day in third grade.

Heero sighed under the covers as Relena wiggled closer to him. "It's too early..." She moaned, hiding her face in his neck.

He kissed her forehead, before groaning when Adrian called from across the door, "I'm going to be late!"

He sighed, kissed his wife's lips softly, before he padded his way to their adjoining bathroom.</i>

* * *

Heero mumbled something in his sleep, his eyeballs moving restlessly under heavy lids. And when the alarm went off, at exactly 6:45am, he knew it would be a long, painful day.

Casting a glance at the solitary, empty side of his king sized bed, he sighed remorsefully, before sitting up, and turning off the alarm clock. His head jerked up when his eight year old son, Adrian, sneaked his head through the partially opened door, mumbling a good morning, before leaving to start off his day.

Heero stared at the closed door, his eyes empty and lost, before he hid his face in his hands. With a few curses, and a deep sigh, he made his way to the bathroom. The room was just as she had left it: her lotions and perfumes still stood in the high, oak boudoir beside the large French windows; the door that led to the walk-in closet still guarded her elegant, carefree wardrobe, her shoes, and all the boxes with baby clothes she had insisted on keeping there. Her colored ribbons, and hair pins, make-up, hair brushes, even her toothbrush were still where she had left them, adorning the hollow spots of the eerily white room.

Heero avoided looking in the mirror, knowing full well the person staring back will have heavy bags under his eyes, a messy unshaved face, with equally messy dark brown locks, that needed an urgent cut, while his eyes would be cold and almost dilated, the once vibrant blue having had thorn into empty, ashen grey.

Instead, he brushed his teeth in a hurry, keeping his eyes from the pastel blue hair brush beside the sink, and the lonely, lost hair band next to it.

The birds whistled outside, welcoming the beautiful September day with songs for the happy and the merry. But Heero Yuy just wished he could go back to bed and never wake up again.

Cold water hit his face, the thousand drops like knives to his warm body. Heero shivered as he rested his head against the white cold tiles of the shower stall, her laughing voice ringing through his head.

<i>What are you doing, Heero!</i>

He sighed, as he reached for the soap. That was something he had questioned himself time after time. Even though the original words were uttered in a merry, playful tone, almost a year ago, now they had gained a weight and a tone far more depressing and desperate than before.

After toweling off, and shaving, he dressed. The black dress pants and white shirt were crisp, and elegant, while he hurried with his tie and hair, knowing his son was waiting for him, dressed and ready, and probably late for his first day in fourth grade.

Indeed, by the time he rushed downstairs, grabbing coats and keys, Adrian was already in the kitchen, a plate with strawberry jelly covered toasts, and a glass of juice beside him. That was what Relena always made for him in the mornings, knowing he was always late, and never with enough time to eat a full breakfast, but yet insisting that he eat at least something before he left.

Heero put the coats and keys by a table, before he made his way to the kitchen, sitting down beside his son as they both ate in silence.

With a toast in hand, Adrian grabbed a brown paper bag from one of the drawers, and made his way to the refrigerator. He took the tuna sandwich his father had prepared the night before, a small bottle of apple juice, and some crackers from one of the cabinets and put them inside the paper bag.

After placing their plates and glasses in the sink, and taking their coats, and Heero, the keys, they made their way outside and into the car. No words were exchanged between them, no crossed looks either, so by the time they reached the school grounds, Heero felt uncomfortable, and more than a little anxious.

* * *

<i>Twenty-two months old Adrian pressed little hands to his stomach as it protested for food. The sun had just come out, the light coming through the closed blinds illuminated the room and scattered the shadows of the previous night. Adrian could hear birds chirping outside, and yet, the house was eerily quiet, except for the interruption of his grumbling stomach.

He wasn?t surprised when he reached his parents bedroom and saw them both deeply asleep, even as he closed the door again trying to keep from making any noise and wake them up. He went back the same way, passing his room, and the living room, to the kitchen. He fought a little with the firmly shut door of the refrigerator, but as soon as he managed to open it, he smiled at the bottle of milk his mother always had ready for him for these sort of situations and the ham and cheese rolls inside the little plastic bag because she knew he was an early riser.

Relena always complained about being woken up too early in the mornings, only to have to cook something for the little guy with the morning hunger. So she had thought up the bottle and rolls as a solution so she could get some more sleep. The trick had been ?training? little Adrian, but after a few attempts, he knew what to do, and where to go.

Heero watched his son seating in front of the refrigerator?s wide opened doors, his legs spread as he bit into his ham and cheese rolls and took short swigs from his bottle of milk. The boy?s dark blonde hair was still messy from his sleep, and combined with his bare feet and dinosaurs pajamas, he made an extremely heart warming picture.</i>

* * *

Heero stopped the car in front of the building, shutting down the engine as he turned to his son. Adrian sat in the same position of the last couple of minutes since they left their house, looking out the window with a longing in his eyes that made Heero wonder what he really was thinking; made Heero wish his son would open up and talk to him.

They had gone to therapy, together and individually, and even though Adrian knew what had happened, he didn?t seemed too inclined in sharing with anyone his real thoughts. Heero?s heart ached every time he encountered the knowledge in his son?s eyes, the maturity that no 8 year old should possess. It was like in some way Adrian tried to fill the void his mother had left behind, trying to look out after his father, and himself. Heero knew Adrian must be suffering, albeit in silence, but suffering just as much as he.

How many times had Heero tried to comfort the boy, to utter words of hope and maybe even happiness, in his ideal that things could go on, and maybe life could get back in track?

Heero sighed, attracting the attention of Adrian.

?She?s not coming back, Dad. I know that.? Adrian turned and smiled sadly at his father.

Heero looked at him, a soft smile touching the corners of his lips. ?She never left, you know. You look just like her.?

Adrian?s smile widened, revealing his deep dimples. ?I even got her dimples.?

?You do.? Heero ruffled his son?s hair. ?Do you want me to go in with you??

Adrian looked out the window at the building, a soft sigh only noticeable by the rise and fall of his shoulders. He looked back at Heero, sadness in his sky blue eyes. ?No, that?s okay. I should go, it?s already late.?

As if on cue, the bells rang, announcing the start of the first period.

?I?ll come by and pick you up when you get out. Good luck.?

Heero watched as his son closed the door and went up the long flight of steps before disappearing into the enormous building, a heavy feeling in his heart.

He had considered a million times moving away, perhaps to another city or country, maybe even another continent, but deep down, he knew that wasn?t the answer. He wouldn?t accomplish anything with running away.

And running away from what, exactly?

He couldn?t run away from her. He would never betray her that way. And he wouldn?t take away all the memories Adrian had of her. Memories that in a couple of years will be reduced in half. Heero didn?t want that. He wanted Adrian to remember what it was like to spend Sunday?s afternoons together, barbeques and movies, popcorn and their nightly round of Twister. He wanted Adrian to remember his mother?s gentle smiles and sincere words, her kind touch and the beauty of her laughter. He didn?t want him to forget those times they spent together, when she tucked him in at night, or when she asked him what he wanted for dinner hours in advance so she could buy all the things she would need.

Those were things Heero would never forget. Just like he would never forget the sound of Adrian?s first cry after his birth, or the tears in her voice as she gazed at their first child in awe. Their first? and last.

It was two years of torture before her death, most of which Adrian didn?t know. The child never got to see her body, even though he did assist to the funeral. Heero, however, spent countless months with her picture in his mind, seeing her in her last moment, as he held her hands in his, wiping her tears away while he tried to deny himself what was so obvious. For how much time did he hate her for giving up? For surrendering to her illness knowing she would be leaving them behind. And yet, she still left.

And Adrian didn?t cry.

The boy didn?t shed a single tear for his mother, and still hasn?t. He was always strong, brave as he stood by his mother, even after Heero explained Relena?s condition. A brain tumor was not to take lightly. Yet Adrian resisted, visiting her when she was in the hospital, helping her after her chemotherapies. Laughing with her when she joked about losing her hair, even though she knew the kid wasn?t fooling himself.

Everyone knew she wouldn?t resist. Two years was a long time. Much longer than everyone expected.

After her death, Heero still went to the hospital every day after dropping Adrian off at school. He would go and sit in the same chair, staring at the same bed his wife used lay on. Her heart beat monitor going off in his mind, the sound of her breathing beside him, the squeeze of her hands in his. Everything was so livid in his mind. It still is.

Everyone was so understanding, so eager to please and comfort him. His neighbors, the teachers at Adrian?s school, his employees, including strangers that had gone to her funeral, friends from that other life she had given up when she married him.

And Heero had hated them all.





<center>___________________________________________ </center>





<b>Reminiscent Onus</b>
By Andrea Sinisterra
Rated PG-13
Angst
Standard Disclaimers Apply

Author?s Notes: I?ve finally gotten around to finishing this. This is, by far, the deepest story I?ve ever written and the only one that has made me cry. It was really soothing to write this story, and try to sort out the complex feelings of a person who?s lost someone dear; it was really therapeutic.

Anyway, I hope you enjoy this conclusion to this story.

I dedicate this to Tomorrow; I hope you understand and cope with the role you'll have to endure. I love you, sweetie, and I wish you the best of lucks.


* * *

Part 2


<i>The room was somber, the blinds shutting out the blazing sunlight. Her body was covered in blankets as she shook, trembling lightly as the coldness bit at her skin. Her lips were parched, dried from long sessions of chemo and relentless after effects.

Her hair had fallen off completely, along with the rosy color of her cheeks. Heero could only close his eyes, trying to keep the image of her as he had always known it: Radiant and cheerful; hopeful and beautiful.

Then she opened her eyes, rousing from that painful drug-induced sleep. Her eyes were still shockingly blue, perhaps even more so; they sparkled as she smiled at him, if a little weakly.

"Hey there." His voice broke. He reached and took her hand in his, squeezing gently. "How are you feeling?"

She tried to sit up but her arms were too weak to support her weight. She released a deep breath. "I've been better. Where's Adrian?"

Heero brought the back of her hand to his lips, letting them linger against her skin before he responded. "He's at Duo and Hilde's. Today's Johan's birthday party."

Her eyes filled with tears and she reached with her free hand to brush them away. "That's good. That's good. He needs to have some fun."

Heero smiled sadly at her. He cleared the tears that had suddenly risen in his throat, swallowing heavily. "Are you feeling nauseous?"

Relena shook her head and then reached with her free hand, the IV needle stuck to the back of it, to touch the side of his face. She pulled it back and patted the bed beside her. "Come here."

He left the plastic chair and sat beside her on the hospital bed, the mattress sinking lightly under his weight. He leaned down and hid his face in the crook of her neck, laying a soft kiss on the cold skin. He felt her fingers thread through his hair, her breath on his ear, her pulse against his lips. He needed this; the reassurance that she was still here with him, still breathing and living. To know that his main reason for living had not yet vanished.

He felt her press a kiss on his temple, her arms coming around him completely just before she started to shake uncontrollably. He tried whispering soothing words to her, kissing her, hugging her, but her sobs didn't stop or diminish, and before long, he was crying there with her, their tears mingling and becoming one.</i>

* * *

He sat staring at nothing in particular, pen in hand. The city was buzzing behind the large bay windows of his office, 32 floors off the ground. He had a million things to do, several dozens of papers to sign, over 6 portfolios to go over, and one mind to do it. And that mind was busy thinking something else.

He sighed, dropping the pen back over the heavy portfolio before him. Going back to work was what he needed, something in which he could lose himself and help him get back in track. But how could he get back in track when an important step of his life was missing? How could he carry on 'normally' when the single thing that made his life normal was gone?

His eyes were trained on the clock, fervently urging it to hit the hour when he could finally leave and go pick Adrian at school.

He wondered how his son was doing; will he accept this new life without... her? Heero tried picturing himself sitting at school meetings and such. He was never one to socialize. And he never did get involved in Adrian's schooling; not because he wasn't interested, far from the truth, it was more because Relena usually took care of it herself... She took care of almost everything.

Heero sighed when the phone rang, startling him from his thoughts.

"Mr. Yuy, I'm sorry to disturb you," Came his secretary's nervous voice.

Relena always used to say he needed to be friendlier and smile more often; it didn't do good to go upsetting and scaring people. He smiled. "That's okay, Janice. What is it?"

Janice stuttered a bit before replying. "Mr. Swanson called in to confirm the meeting. He said he understands if you wish to postpone it."

Heero sighed. Truth was, he had completely forgotten he was to meet with the man tomorrow at lunch. "That's okay. Tomorrow at 12:15 at La Fontanella, right?"

* * *

<i>He sighed in defeat as he slumped back on his chair, throwing the pen on his desk as he finished signing one of the thousands of files on his desk. That's what happens when you get back from a three week vacation, he thought.

He looked at the clock in agony wishing it would hit lunch time so he could run home and spend some time with his family before he had to get back at the office again.

It wasn't fair that his wife and son were happily enjoying their free time at home, doing God knows what, while he was stuck here working.

He sighed; he was just bored.

His phone rang and he frowned as Janice's voice trembled. "Mr. Yuy? I'm so sorry to interrupt you but your wife is on line 2."

"Thanks, Janice." He switched lines, a smile on his lips. "What's for lunch?"

"Food." Her voice was caught up in her laughter. "Sandwich or burgers. I didn't have time; Adrian cut his hand a while ago and he made such a fuss I couldn't get around to it."

"Is it deep? What happened?"

Relena sighed. "He's okay; I guess he just got scared. We were painting; you know how he likes to copy everything we do. I had to cut a canvas for him--"

"And he cut himself with the chisel."

Relena laughed. "Exactly. But it's superficial."

"That boy... He's going to be a handful when he grows older."

"I know; I'll need some back-up." There was a short silence. "I got the results from my tests this morning."

A hand seized his heart. "And?"

He heard her sniff just before she sighed again. "It's not good."</i>

* * *

"Dad? Are you okay?" Adrian asked once he had fastened his seatbelt.

Heero shook his head, clearing it. "I'm fine. How was your first day?"

Adrian shrugged, eyes trained forward. "It was okay."

Heero frowned slightly, glancing at his son before he put the car in gear and pulled out into Main Street. "Nothing in particular you might want to share?"

Adrian turned his head to regard his father. His gaze was heavy, and it made Heero a little uneasy. "No."

"Might want to explain that bruise you got there?"

Unconsciously, Adrian's hand flew to his eyebrow right were the skin was cut and already swelling. "I don't want to talk about it."

Heero let out a frustrated breath. "Well, I do want to talk about it. What happened?"

His son crossed his arms defiantly, a small pout pursing his lips. "These stupid kids were making fun of me. Mom always said fighting doesn't solve anything, but I couldn't-- I hit one of them."

Heero nodded in understanding. "How many were they?"

"Three."

"When did this happen?"

Adrian frowned as he tightened his arms across his chest. "Just now. They had been bothering me all day; they were waiting for me outside... I think I broke his nose."

It took Heero by surprise and he couldn't help himself as he chuckled. "You broke his nose."

Adrian's head jerked to his father, surprise in his features. "It's not funny, Dad! They'll come after me!"

"What did they do after you hit one of them?"

"Well, Albert fell to the ground and then Frank-- Frank's Albert's brother-- threw a book at me."

Heero couldn't help it this time; he burst out laughing. "What did he do after he threw that book at you?"

Adrian glared at his father. "Well, it hurt! It hit me right in the head! When I looked up they were gone."

"I believe you. That's a pretty nasty cut." Heero said as he glanced at his son. "I don't think they'll come after you, Adrian. I think you scared them off."

Adrian's eyes widened in surprise. "You think?"

Heero nodded. "Yes, I think so."

There was a very comfortable silence between them, until Adrian broke it, his voice papery and quiet. "I miss her, too, Dad."

Heero's hands tightened on the steering wheel.

They didn't say anything further as they reached home.

By the time Heero made it to his room, shutting the door firmly behind him, he chest was already constricted painfully as he fought to keep his feelings at bay.

It's been almost a month since Relena passed away, but today, today of all days, he had been swamped with memories. From the very first moment he opened his eyes that morning, till just now.

It was a very fine line between letting go, and embracing the facts. He needed to learn how to do it; just like, apparently, Adrian has. How could he sit there so calmly and speak of her without shedding a tear, when Heero himself couldn't keep his tears in every time her name was even mentioned?

He got angry at himself all over again; he hated how he couldn't think of her, of her beauty and radiance without feeling the pain further breaking his heart. Why couldn't he remember her with a smile? Albeit wistful, but a smile nonetheless. Why couldn't he feel happy and pleased of having had spent her last days cherishing and loving her?

He needed to 'embrace the facts'. He needed to accept that fact that she was gone and was not coming back, and deal with it-- with her memory in his head and her smile in his heart.

He laid back on the bed, his chest rising and falling with his deep breaths. He suddenly felt the bed tilt lightly as Adrian climbed onto it, resting his head on his father's shoulder. Heero draped his arm around his son, bringing him further into his embrace, laying a kiss on the crown of his ash-blond hair.

"If you don't want me to talk about her, I won't. I don't want to upset you."

Heero swallowed the rising sensation of tears in his throat. "I'm not upset. I want you to remember her, Adrian."

How cruel was life. In a few years, all Adrian will have left of his mother will be pictures and flashes of memories. It will all disappear; like childhood memories and the people you once met.

"She will always be here, you know?"

Adrian frowned. "How?"

Heero cleared his throat again; her laughing voice ringing through his head. "Every time you think of her, she will come. She will live with us forever."

"Do you think of her?"

Heero smiled. "I think about her every single moment. I can sometimes remember her laugh or her eyes... Or I can just look at you and be able to see her. The same eyes, same hair, same smile."

Adrian smiled, pleased, the skin around his mouth creasing, pronouncing his dimples. Then his smile faded into a frown. "Did it hurt?"

Heero's smile was wistful. "She was always smiling."

Adrian nodded against his father, a content smile on his lips. ?That?s good.? He turned on his side and put an arm across Heero?s chest, embracing his father tightly.

Heero was surprised by the action, raising his head to look down at his son. There were small tears at the corners of his tightly shut eyes and his embrace was urgent and needy.

Heero pulled him on top of him, sweeping him into both his arms.

Adrian felt his father?s lips on his forehead. ?I love you, Dad.?

Heero?s eyes filled with tears. Relena?s laughter continued to echo in his mind, her eyes blinking up at him. ?I love you, too, son.? He patted his son gently on the back, pushing him up. ?Let?s go take care of that cut.?

Adrian stood up, gingerly touching his left eyebrow, wincing as the bruise throbbed painfully. ?It was a really big book.? He said defensively.

Heero laughed as he and his son made their way to the bathroom in search of the first aid kit. ?I?m sure it was.?

?It was!? Things were finally starting to fall into place; they just needed to stick together. And as Adrian reached for his father?s hand, and Heero?s larger hand closed around his son?s, they realized everything else didn?t seem so challenging anymore so long as they faced it together.


The End

[wicked]

Wow. Just wow.

I congratulate you on making me tear up. I don't do that regularlly. Fucking unbidden memories you know? Damn tumors and damn chemo/radiation that doesn't work. I'm sorry, I don't mean to come off sounded bitter or jaded because I'm not. Remembering hurts though.

Again you amaze me with your writing prowress Miss Sin. It's another wonderful piece you've added to your collection.

~Wicked

[Andrea]

I know. Believe me, I know. The thing is to learn how to cope with them. It's hard because we're all humans... It takes time.

*sigh* And you're not jaded OR bitter, hon. I understand COMPLETELY why you reacted that way.

Thanks for the amazing praise, Wicked-CHAN, it warms my heart like whoa. *laughs*

Hugs,
Miss Sin.

[takisha16]

Wow.....
It made me remeber one of my losses, I wrote a piece on it but received no comments, it had no GW, but I do understand your resons behind the piece, they were also the reasons that made me write down my story. It is thereapeutic and it helps in some way to alleviate the pain.
I liked how you portrayed Relena's influence and her lingering presence on both Heero and Adrian.
The ending was very emotional and quite appropriate. It gave it closure, but at the same time hope for them and a sense of being able to move on.
Andrea you were one of the first writers I ever read on FF and BI, and even after reading most of your countless masterpieces, you still seem to surprise me when you outdo yourself over an over again.
Thanks for being a source of inspiration to people like me!

[Tomorrow]

Oh Andrea... thanks so much.

I feel lighter now. Your story was so full of hope - bittersweet, perhaps, but still hope. I appreciate you thinking of me, and I shall cherish this piece.

It was beautiful and well worth the wait. I can't tell you how this story has touched me right at this moment. I just...

It does bring back some painful memories, but it also reminds me of how lucky I am - something I think I forget a little too often.

Thank you. Thank you for reminding me.

Many, MANY huggles,
~Tomorrow

P.S. I hope you're feeling better since your own little medical escapade. It wasn't anything serious was it?

[Andrea]

You're very much welcome, Hon.

I'm happy you're feeling better, if just a little.

Keep me posted, know I'm here for whatever you need.

...And I'm fine. Good as new. I was out of commission for about four days but then I was allowed to go back to work and school. All I have left are three little scars... and missing one organ. *laughs*

Hugs,
Andrea

[Eienvine]

That was so beautiful. It's been a while since I teared up at a fic, but this one did it for me. You portrayed their loss beautifully and sensitively. Great job.

[SaiyanBlack]

That was beautiful. I got all teary-eyed at the end, it was so bittersweet and heart wrenching. Amazing job!

[Andrea]

Thanks, Eienvine, and very glad you think my portrayal of them was sensitive... It was what I was aiming for.

And thanks to you, too, SaiyanBlack!

Everyone has teared up by reading this... I apologize, it was not my intention. Maybe I'll write something a little happier next.

Thanks everyone again!