(D2 Entry) Forgiven Not Forgotten

[Stuntcat]

Ah yes. My submission for songfic. *hides behind hairbrush* please don?t hurt me.
The song, ?Forgiven Not Forgotten? by The Corrs.


Title of fanfic: Forgiven Not Forgotten
Penname: Stuntcat
Email address : celticmooncat@yahoo.com
Categories: songfic
Warnings: melancholy/light angst.



~All alone, staring on, watching her life go by,
When her days are grey and her nights are black,
Different shades of mundane and the one eyed furry toy
That lies upon the bed has often heard her cry
And heard her whisper out a name long forgiven, but not forgotten,~


The moonlight whispered through her window, tracing down her tear-stained cheek. The wind chased through the open door leading to the balcony, instinctively making her shiver under her cold blanket. She awoke with a start, reaching towards a certain place on the bed. It was so familiar to reach out for him, even when he had been gone for so long. She made one last abortive reaching gesture towards his spot before hugging herself tightly. She felt so alone, so aching inside.

Relena closed her red-rimmed eyes, pressing the tears back. But they went on, curling down her cheeks, a tender caress upon her skin, as if in a failed attempt to comfort her. She curled up into a ball on the bed, ignoring the familiar smell of roses as she hid her face in her pillow. She wouldn?t even let the ghost of him her mind had superimposed in her room see her cry. She could almost see him on her balcony, his eyes in their blue intensity; staring down at her, that familiar half scowl/half smirk curling on his lips. She let loose a small whimper, hugging tighter at the familiar pain the memories caused.

Too many nights had been spent this way. The days had blurred together, the nights standing out in stark relief. She couldn?t sleep without him there. Without his warmth, his smell, his presence, she felt incomplete. She was wounded, slowly dying in her gilded cage, and those close to her were passing it off as physical illness.She knew better then that. She would wait though, with her torn heart and empty eyes. Even if she had long ago convinced her mind that he was never coming back, that she would never see Heero Yuy again, unless it was in the memories she so treasured.

But her heart? her heart waited for the man it had sworn itself to those many years ago. She could never believe he would leave her, which left her in an in-between state of denial. And yet, after two years of his absence, she was beginning to believe. She stared at the healing scar which ran all the way up her right arm. She cursed it for what it represented. That he left. The perfect soldier could not stand to see his own imperfections brought to light. So he ran away from them. Did he think she wouldn?t forgive him? Trust him? Was it his warrior?s pride? Or was it something different entirely? Someone else, someone who he had finally opened up to all the way?

Her eyes dulled at the thought. She could not assume that. And she had the niggling suspicion if she did assume that, she would never be the same.

She lifted herself into a sitting position, staring blindly at the dark sky. The stars seemed dimmed. She shivered as another gust of wind passed her, then gave into temptation, slipping out of the bed. She glided like a wraith over the chill floor, her flimsy nightgown no match for the frosty winter air.

The rapid cold stealing over her gave her little pause. But as she was almost to the balcony she slipped, stumbling over the teddy bear on the floor. She picked it up softly, hugging the worn fur, and it stared emotionlessly at her through the one beady eye it had left. It comforted her to see this simple toy, and she quickly shut the balcony door, practically running back to her bed. She left the toy lying at the foot of her bed, and curled deep within her blankets, burrowing into her pillows. And yet, before she slipped off to sleep, her lips twisted in the slightest movement, a whispered word escaped; nothing more then a muttering.

?Heero.?

~A bleeding heart torn apart, left on an icy grave,
In the room where they once lay, face to face,
Nothing could get in their way, but now the memories of the man
Are haunting her days and the craving never fades,
She's still dreaming of a man long forgiven, but not forgotten,~

Her nightmares chased her endlessly, the damning voices of her friends and family ringing through her ears as she sprinted through an endlessly dark night. At last the voices stopped. Her shadowy road faded and she slowed her run. The dreamscape had changed to a frozen cemetery that she knew all too well. The memories were always worse then the nightmares. Each of them haunted her in their stony reality, crushing her heart every night.

She walked forward anyway, letting the cool breeze brush her hair from her face. The cemetary was beautiful; everything incased in a thin layer of ice and powdery snow. Then up ahead she saw herself and Heero, standing silently in front of a small grave. She could hear every word that was said, despite the distance, mostly because the graveyard was deathly silent. She saw herself turn to him, still trying to comfort him even though her own heart was bleeding.

She remembered this day in stark relief. The way her dreams replayed it for her just reinforced that knowledge. She remembered the emotions, glowing dimly in the past, yet still choking through her heart. She remembered the way she couldn?t get the tears to stop, the dull throb of pain in her bandaged arm, everything. And he stood there, in stony silence while she sobbed. And she knew he was hurting deeply too, and she had tried to help.

?It wasn?t your fault. They would have taken Anna anyway! There was too many of them...? The last words were mumbled as she turned back to her daughter?s grave. Heero?s next words were in the monotone she had worked so hard to break him of. Suddenly she recognized the face he wore like a mask. It was the look he had given her many years ago, the look that had faded throughout the years he spent at her side. It was back now; down to hard, cold eyes that sent shivers down her spine.

?I could have saved her Relena. I missed! Relena, if I had got him on the first shot, you wouldn?t be hurt and Anna would still be here. I failed, Relena.? His eyes were downcast as he muttered the last words. Relena turned away before the dream-Relena answered, walking towards the large elm, away from the talking couple. She knew she had launched into a speech about how they had paid the ransom and Anna had still been shot, how the terrorists were crazy and he couldn?t have done anything?

She was sick of this memory. She was sick of this haunting her night after night. But she couldn?t let go. She could never let go. Behind her she heard her own voice rise in a desperate call. The scene was almost over. Out of the corner of her eye, she saw Heero striding to the car, Relena racing after him. She was too slow, and she was left alone in the empty cemetery.

The past was mocking her with these dreams. She knew she was broken without the constant reminder of the day that had broken her.

As the dream-Relena knelt in front of Anna?s grave and Heero drove his car away, Relena screamed inside. It wasn?t supposed to happen like this! Relena watched as dream-Relena walked slowly back to her car. She felt like shaking her past-self, making her chase after Heero, make her do something instead of sniffle so despondently. She broke into a sprint, chasing after the leaving car.

And then she woke up.

There was no cold sweat, no wide eyes, no more tears. She simply stared with dull eyes at the ceiling. At least when she was awake she could control slightly more the flow of memories. She let go, letting the memories of him play again in her mind. She remembered watching his profile relaxed in sleep, his warm arms wrapped tight around her, his lips pressed lightly against her forehead.

He followed her, even in her dreams. She couldn?t escape his blue gaze, even when he was gone. She craved him. And like an addict too long on a drug, she wasted away without him.

~Still alone staring on, wishing her life goodbye
As she goes searching for the man long forgiven, but not forgotten~

It would never go away. The ghosts in her mind, the nightmares, the memories which haunted her every hour.

How she wished it would go away. She smiled bitterly. The people who said time healed all wounds were dirty liars. Heero could never forgive himself for not being perfect enough, while she had already forgiven him for trying to be too perfect. She wanted to escape. Not just from the horrible memories, but from her job, the sympathetic looks, the awkward pauses when the conversation faltered around her. She prayed for dreamless sleep.

The idea of death for her was welcome. She only stayed here for Heero. She knew if she died he would blame himself. But she could wish, and dream, if not for a happy ending, then for a quick death.

She searched for him still. Scanning computers, newspapers for any mention of anything about him. Her friends were convinced she was crazy, cajoled her gently for her apparent stubbornness. But she continued to look for him.

Her searches were fruitless.

But she would always hope, and wait. For he was her love, and he would always be forgiven. For the deaths, for the memories, for the situation he had left her in. She would go on, through the memories, the agony of separation, through the simple tasks which seemed so arduous without him by her side. Even if she was broken, she would drag herself onward. Because she knew her heart would never forget.

~You're forgiven, not forgotten
You're forgiven, not forgotten
You're forgiven, not forgotten
You're not forgotten~

And far away, in a rundown motel, a weary man jolted out his sheets. He stared at the blank wall in front of his bed blindly, covering the tears which fled from his blue eyes with a callused hand. He had dreamed again of memories long past, of a life which he wanted more then anything. A life which he had convinced himself he could never go back to. His whisper as he awoke was quickly swallowed by the dark, dank room, but it escaped his lips anyway, another reminder of the past.

?Relena.?


I cut out most of the chorus, I hope that?s all right. It turned out slightly angstier then expected. *shrug* oh well.

[Guest]

Wow..
Just...wow..
That was great! Depressing, but really good.
Now I'm to sad to think of the words to say how much I liked it..So I'll just say it was great! And I hope you write more stuff soon.

[Dark Deity]

... That was just.... really good.. angsty, and yet so very good. i think this was well done, very well done!

[Symee-Sama]

Amazing. This is much better than mine... It's beautiful, and although it's depressing, the way you wrote it was just.... I don't even know how to describe it. I really hope that you win a prize for this fic.

Symee

[CamilleVidan]

*sniffle* that was nuts-crazy good. it could stand alone but... *pokes stuntcat with a stick* it wouldn't offend me if you continued it!