Midnight Chimes and Pink Roses 5/5

[blackrose]

Beware of references to a past sexual encounter (in chapter 4).

<p><center><b><u>Midnight Chimes and Pink Roses</u></b></p>
<p>By the Black Rose</p></center>
<p>AN: The italicized sections are from Relena's journal. The prequel to this story is a 4-part called Santa Baby. The epilogue is next, entitled February Ice. Thank you for reading. Love, Rose</p>

<p><b>Chapter 5</b></p>
<p><i>With nothing to compare it to, I'd say my 'first time' was everything I could have wanted. Or imagined. </i></p>
<p><i> It did hurt a little bit, though I don't remember it being as painful as some of the stories I've heard. I didn't climax, but there was something satisfying in just having him inside me, his arms around me, his body pressed so close to mine.</i></p>
<p><i> Apparently, Heero was determined to address my lack of at least noticeable enjoyment of our lovemaking. I woke in the middle of the night to see moonlight gleaming off the white of his eyes. As my sight adjusted to the dark, I could tell... He was watching me.</i></p>
<p><i> When he saw I was awake, he turned on the lamp beside the bed. I clutched the sheet around my body. I knew, of course, he'd seen all of me on at least two occasions, but it didn't mean I was entirely comfortable with him looking at me.</i></p>
<p><i> Especially not like that.</i></p>
<p><i> He pulled the covers from my grasp; and with that very determined look in his eyes, he crawled over me again.</i></p>
<p><i> He took me again.</i></p>
<p><i> And he didn't stop until my voice was hoarse from crying out his name, my entire body was slick with ice-cold sweat, and every part of me realized it belonged to him.</i></p>
<p><i> I felt conquered, yet sated. Which made no sense to the logical portion of my mind. But nothing in love seemed to make a whole lot of sense. Or maybe it was just that I looked at things from a strange point of view, or even that I had fallen in love with a very unique man.</i></p>
<p><i> I wanted to be his. I wanted to give him this part of me, to share it with the man I loved. Why the thought even entered my mind that we were somehow on unequal footing...</i></p>
<p><i> Wasn't he as much mine as I was his?</i></p>
<p><i> And that's where that emotion stemmed from. I loved him. I gave myself to him out of love and as a physical incarnation of that love.</i></p>
<p><i> What I was unsure of, however, was the basis for his acceptance. I didn't want to believe it was only lust. He'd done enough over the years, and certainly with his coming back six days ago, to demonstrate that he cared about me. I knew in my heart that he cared.</i></p>
<p><i> But I didn't feel like he'd given me his heart, his faith, the way I had given him mine, tonight. And maybe it was my own lack of faith...</i></p>
<p><i> In myself.</i></p>
<p><i> I chased everyone away.</i></p>
<p><i> Didn't I? </i></p>
<p><i> There was something wrong about me that everyone else could see, but that somehow I missed when I glanced in the mirror. People who weren't close to me could claim to 'love' me as the public figure I had become. </i></p>
<p><i> But it was just a mask. When I took it off... Those closest to me could see. I wasn't...I didn't deserve...</i></p>
<p><i> Why couldn't I be what he needed? </i></p>
<p><i> Why wasn't my love enough?</i></p>
<p>* * * * * *</p>
<p>Heero woke the instant he felt her weight shift and leave the bed. He had been half-dreading, half-expecting this, so his sleep had been light and uncomfortable. He sat up and turned on the lamp just as her hand touched the doorknob. Relena froze but didn't turn around.</p>
<p>"The Relena I know wouldn't give up without a fight."</p>
<p>She took her hand off the doorknob and bowed her head. "I'm not giving up. You...You should know by now how I feel. If you don't, there's nothing left I can do."</p>
<p>Heero crossed his arms against his chest and leaned back against the headboard. "So this is all on me then. It's my decision whether I go or stay. My responsibility for whether we work or if we can't make it. You have nothing to do with the equation."</p>
<p>She turned around and opened her mouth to protest. "That's not--"</p>
<p>"You're so afraid I'm going to leave, but you're the one running away, Relena." He met her gaze. "I'm right here. I've not gone anywhere. I'm not going anywhere."</p>
<p>"As much as I love you..." She glanced away.</p>
<p>Heero sat up straight; the covers slipped down to his waist. "Is that what you need me to say? To repeat those words to you? Because I can parrot the saying, but it doesn't mean anything to me."</p>
<p>"I know it doesn't. But it's all...." She shook her head and kept her eyes cast down; her face flushed. "I couldn't...do...more before now." </p>
<p>"Relena," Heero closed his eyes and leaned back again. "I don't need you to do more. I know how you feel."</p>
<p>"Then why?" Her voice rose an octave; at least she was finally expressing some emotion. "Why did you leave?"</p>
<p>Heero opened his eyes and stared at the sheet in his lap. "I left, Relena, because I thought you had...found someone else."</p>
<p>"What?"</p>
<p>He glanced up at her again. "The Preventer Agent who recruited you to assist on the Scholtzberg case. I didn't know why you were lying to me."</p>
<p>Relena's eyes widened. "So you left." She took a step forward; her right hand came up to her neck."Because you didn't trust me? Because you thought--"</p>
<p>It was his turn to look away. "I never believed you loved me until that day in the department store. And even then, I had my doubts before Duo told me you were the informant we were waiting on."</p>
<p>"But I--"</p>
<p>Heero took a deep breath. "It wouldn't have mattered what you did. It was my own fear that I wasn't good enough. I didn't listen to what you were telling me and couldn't equate my feelings to your words."</p>
<p>Silence slipped under the door and stood between them. He had overreacted back then when he chose to leave, but he had told the truth in saying that he would have found a reason to break things off anyway. The one thing he had been most afraid of losing--</p>
<p>"So what's different this time?" Relena's voice was a whisper.</p>
<p>He glanced up again. Her eyes were red-rimmed and watery. "You let me
in. I had to pretend to be Santa Claus. But for those five minutes..." He swallowed and then continued; he held her gaze. "...you were just you. You weren't the Relena that held the world on her shoulders and kept up a brave face for me and everyone else."</p>
<p>Her eyelids squeezed shut.</p>
<p>Heero continued: "I know, now, why you didn't cry when I left. It wasn't that you didn't care. It was because you cared so much, you didn't want to get in the way of what I felt I needed to do."</p>
<p>Tears finally broke free to trickle down her face; she turned away.</p>
<p>"Even now." Heero planted both feet on the floor and stood up. He started across the room. "You'd let me leave if that's what I wanted."</p>
<p>She nodded but still wouldn't look at him.</p>
<p>"But that's not what I want." He reached her side and stood close to her. She stepped back, but the closed door blocked her escape. </p>
<p>"It's not what I need from you." He lodged both palms against the door, caging her in a loose embrace; he bent his head over her shoulder and spoke in a low voice next to her ear. "I don't know how to give you what you need from me, but I'll learn, if you'll teach me."</p>
<p>A soft gasp escaped her lips and her eyes darted up to meet his. </p>
<p>He stared back. "But what I need from you, Relena, is for you to be more selfish with me. I need to feel that you want me, that you need me." </p>
<p>She glanced away again. Heero moved his left hand to grab her chin; he forced her to look at him. "Stop being afraid of me."</p>
<p>He could see her tremble; she shifted her position against the door.</p>
<p>"I know I've hurt you in the past." He let go of her chin. "I can't promise it won't happen again, but if I do...hurt you, I need you to tell me. I need you to cry, tell me you hate me - anything but shut me out." He let his forehead rest on her shoulder; his arms folded next to her body, and he closed the gap between them.</p>
<p>"I need you to believe in me again."</p>
<p>"Tell me..." Her hands rose to wind around his shoulders. "Tell me that you'll stay forever, and I promise..." She buried her face in his neck. "I'll believe you."</p>
<p>Heero took a deep breath and closed his eyes. He let his body settle into her embrace.</p>
<p>"I'll never leave."</p>

[APerfectSoldier87]

Oh God I'm glad you posted this before i leave for new jersey. Very nice, loved the ending, and it was good and i'm tired so

[WindCloud]

WOOHOO YAY!!! its the end..but i want more now.. MORE MORE MORE >_<

[LilTrix]

I loved it of course (I am partial when it comes to you), but for some reason at the end I got all teary eyed :-? . Yeah...I want more too.

[Wingnut]

Now that's the kind of talk those two needed to have at the end of the series or after EW. Knowing exactly what the other wants is key for both Heero and Relena.

[Kiyoko]

Rose...I'm crying! Why did you have to write such a sweet-sad story!? That was very beautiful. As if I didn't love you enough already you had to go write a fabulous story. Keep up the great work.

[alexxie]

Hello! Thats a gud story! Can u pls send me all the link to Work Daze? Thanks...

[JUNEANGEL]

amazing it was soooooooo sweet!!!

[Kaili Charmer]

woot! happy day!