Bruiser Cruiser

[Leia Avenrose]

Disclaimer: I don?t own Gundam Wing?. Nor do I own the terms ?Bruiser Cruiser? and ?Punch-buggy?; I just used to play the game, and still do, despite my old age? enjoy my first attempt at a humor fic!
Dedication: To the one who came up with the saying: Bruiser Cruiser!



Bruiser Cruiser
By: Leia Avenrose
Rating: PG


?Red bruiser cruiser, no returns!? Relena screamed in a shrill, annoying voice, forcefully punching a tight, hard fist at Heero?s arm, then at Wufei?s hand, followed by successfully hitting Trowa in the leg, as she had twisted around in her seat.

Duo, the braided-man driving the massive van, glanced up into the rearview mirror and stared at Relena with a puzzled expression. ?What the hell are you screaming about now? First the air conditioning is too cold, then it?s too hot when we turned it off, then the five?five?bathroom stops, and now this?? He scoffed, rolled his eyes and brought them back to the long stretch of endless road in front of him. Relena crossed her arms under her breasts and began to sulk with a huff. ?Exactly what were you yelling about any??

Heero immediately jumped in, turning in his seat at the front of the vehicle, and threw a hard punch at Relena?s thigh. ?It wasn?t red. It was maroon! Get your bloody colors right, Relena,? he shouted loudly, somewhat excited.

Duo snickered at the wheel, ignoring the glare from the woman in the back behind him.

Wufei narrowed his eyes at the back of Heero?s head. ?This is injustice, woman,? he grumbled, turning, then, to look outside. Trowa just continued to stare at the road they had been traveling on for the past four hours, out of the front window. He had nothing to say ? yet.

Turning off the highway and into an exit, the deep blue van curved the arch in the road beautifully until it traveled along another stretch of road. Everything looked the same; it was always like that out in the country. Pastures, endless fields of corn, mustard and sunflowers.

Quatre, the quiet, delicate hatchling, continued to sit beside Trowa in silence. It amazed everyone that he hadn?t gone to hold his hand behind the seat. Relena growled at Wufei?s comment, sulking all the harder, sinking deeper into her seat, trying to get away from him, but couldn?t go far since he was sitting right beside her in the middle seat. It was silent as they entered a small town. As they drove down the street, people dressed in shorts and t-shirts watched their van coast by. Some of them waved and Duo went to wave to a group of young girls, but Relena cleared her throat.

?They?re hick, Duo. Don?t wave to them! We are not to make contact with such alien people,? she warned, reaching forward to yank back on his braid as it was draped down the back of the seat. He yelped and clutched the wheel with both hands in a tight grip. Heero glanced over, noting the distressed expression on the man?s face.

He hid a knowing smirk.

A yellow Volkswagen Beetle passed them by quickly. ?Yellow punch-buggy, no returns!? Quatre screamed, sounding like a twelve-year-old going through puberty. He then shot forward to punch Wufei and Relena in the shoulder, while he landed a resounding smack to Trowa?s puffed out chest.

Sinking back into his seat, he began to giggle like a mental patient, all content and satisfied, knuckles to his lips, eyes squinted and all scary looking, shifting from side to side.

Relena instantly sprang towards the two men in the front, both fists out and ready for the hard encounter of their muscles. ?Yellow punch-bu??

?Safety!? Duo shrieked, ducking away from the fist heading for his head, in fear of being hit. Relena paused, a look of bewilderment on her face.

?What the hell does ?safety? mean, Duo?? she whined, going to sit back in her seat defeated.

?When someone,? he faltered, stopping at a red light, then went on, ?calls out the name of a car like we?re all doing now?stupid game?like the ?bruiser cruiser? and the ?punch-buggy?, the one who?s probably going to get hit will call out ?safety? so they won?t get hit at all. They?re safe. Get it?? He started out again. Looking back at Relena, he frowned and then squinted his eyes against the sun. ?Where are we anyways??

Everyone looked around. ?Selkirk,? Trowa finally said in a dull voice.

?Selkirk?? everyone said in unison, their tones disbelieving.

Trowa nodded. ?Yes. It?s in the province of Manitoba. This is where we are now.?

?And our destination is what again?? Duo asked, not as confused as before.

?Winnipeg.?

Heero glared out at everyone they drove by, nearly snarling out at them like a rabid animal. Remembering then what had just happened, he then muttered, ?Safety.?

Relena narrowed her eyes. ?That isn?t fair!?

?How isn?t that fair?? Quatre inquired, intrigued by the game.

?I never got to hit him!? Relena all but growled at the back of Heero?s head, her voice all childlike and crushed.

?Which gave him all the more chance to call safety,? Duo reminded her, driving past a large catfish beside a McDonalds.

?But I wanted to hit him!? She looked on the verge of tears, her chin dimpling and quivering.

?Blue bruiser-cruiser, no returns!? Heero shrieked, whirling around, punching Duo in the arm on the way, and lunged a punch at Relena?s knee and Wufei?s thigh. He giggled like a little girl then, before turning around.

Relena whined about the pain in her leg, while Duo rubbed his arm and Wufei glared at Heero?s head again.

?Injustice!? the Chinese man suddenly then screamed, landing a punch to the back of his head.

Heero whirled around, his eyes full of rage. ?You goddamn foreign bastard! If I wasn?t strapped in this seat, I?d hit you so damn hard, you?d be feeling your balls in your mouth!?

Wufei stuck his nose in the air. ?It?s not right of you to make fun of what you are.?

?Hmph,? came Heero?s grunted reply.

They exited Selkirk in silence, almost everyone sulking about being hit and not being able to hit back. Driving along the highway, it took them forty-five minutes to get into Winnipeg and by then, everyone was restless. Relena began to squirm in her seat, whimpering about how she had to use the bathroom again. Duo shot her a glare in the rearview mirror, while Heero told her, bluntly, to ?shut the hell up?.

She stuck her tongue out at him in response, while yanking down her lower eyelid in the process. Wufei snickered from beside her, smuggling back peals of giggles.

They passed by Wal-mart, Wheelies, a bright brown school bus place, a hospital and a CBIC bank. Relena continued to fidget in her seat, stamping her feet in the process as well as crossing her legs with her hands between them. She really had to go to the bathroom. Quatre sighed heavily, plopping his chin in the curve of his palm as he leaned over to look out his window. Trowa, noticing how bored the blond appeared, smirked and, with lightning-fast reflexes, poked his friend in the arm quickly before turning to look out his own window.

Quatre glanced over, confused, yet curious. Upon seeing him, he grinned, and then shoved a finger into his hard ribs. Trowa, upon feeling the sharp stab, immediately faced him and then smacked him in the chest in return.

Quatre narrowed his eyes. ?Oh, that?s it!?

The blond then punched the always-silent man in the arm. Trowa smacked his hand away promptly and began to poke at him, both of them in each other?s faces. Duo shot them a glance in the rearview mirror, and then scowled at how immature they were.

?Knock it off, you two!?

?But he started it!? Quatre whined, huffing. He shot Trowa a glare, blowing him a raspberry.

?Did not! Liar, liar, liar,? Trowa chanted in a loud voice.

?Don?t MAKE me turn this van around!? Duo threatened, gritting his teeth. Heero giggled beside him, while Relena fidgeted some more.

Wufei grumbled, shaking his head and kicked at the back of Heero?s seat, trying to shut him up, but it only angered him, and he whirled in his seat, going to rip off his seatbelt.

?This is WAR, my little Chinese-friend!? he roared, launching himself into the man at the Chinese man still strapped in.

?That?s it!? Duo hollered over the chaos, bringing the van to a sharp stop. ?We?re going back!? He turned the wheel, bringing the van around, growling the whole time, his foot heavy on the gas as the blonde continued to irritate Trowa, the other two men beating at each other wildly.

?Bronze bruiser cruiser, no returns!? Relena unexpectedly shrieked, throwing punches to Wufei and Heero, then to Quatre and Trowa, before quickly whirling to land one at the back of Duo?s head.

?SAFETY, DAMN YOU!?

[Roa_Aoife]

Ah, the chaos of the road trip. Poor Duo....

[angel222]

I feel people are going to die

[teardropdangel]

Ouch...I hurt from laughing so much

I feel people are going to die

I agree

[lilac310]

I feel like a bruise is forming on my head!.....lol..too much punching going on!!..this is hilarious!

[Lady Casper]

lol * gets up from laughing on the floor*

oh man, i swear Duo sounded like a mother screaming at her young kids in the back seat.

Excellent ~_^ fic

[APerfectSoldier87]

haha. I remember all my road trips, the last one, I got into a car accidnet, ant the one before was beer bottles and throw up.

[Leia Avenrose]

>_< Sorry to hear about the car accidents; I've been in two little ones, I hate them, they are so frightening because even if it is a fender bender, you're just all in shock and your mind is SLOWLY VERY EVER SO SLOWLY processing everything that went on, and it's just damn annoying. xD

Glad everyone likes it! It's my first attempt at a comedy fic thing.

[Crazygurl]

Oh man, Manitoba IS that boring. No offense to Manitobans. So... flat.

And I honestly hope that the image of gundam pilots giggling is gonna disappear from my mind forevermore. 0_0

Highly traumatising, but definitely worth a laugh. ^^

[Leia Avenrose]

I loved Wufei & Heero; they cracked me up so hard. My own writing cracks me up, too. And aye, Manitoba IS boring, I live in Winnipeg, but I'm moving to England in a year or so.