You Must Love Me (Oneshot)

[Tobo Castit]

You Must Love Me
This song is from the Musical Evita and is the property of Andrew Lloyd Webber
1xR

Where do we go from here?
This isn?t where we intended to be
We had it all
You believed in me
I believed in you

The soft footfalls in the hallway outside my room told me someone was coming. The person was obviously light of frame and a graceful mover, because the pace was steady and the steps light. The door to the room opened and I lay for a few moments, keeping my breathing steady, waiting for the person to announce themselves. I knew it was her. There was no one else that would have come to me when I was like this. She paused in the doorway for a few moments, probably contemplating her next course of action. She approached the bed, and it was then that I chose to open my eyes.
She was staring at me with tears in her cerulean eyes, her flawless face made softer by the few strands of hair that had escaped from her ponytail and now hung limply, highlighting her pale skin. Breathtaking. She was always breathtaking. Seeing my wakefulness she put a dazzling smile on her face and began to speak, but I wasn?t listening. It didn?t want to hear what she would have to say. She would put a cheerful face on things; say that there was still hope, when I knew very well there was no hope. I couldn?t feel my legs. My spine was severed and there was nothing to be done about it. I was supposed to be dead, but I had failed. I always failed. I just wasn?t strong enough.
She was being strong. She came every day and sat beside me, back straight and smile in place as she weaved with words a picture of hope I was unable to believe in. Perhaps she blamed herself. It wouldn?t surprise me, she was always taking responsibility for things she had no control over. The entire country of China could have been swallowed by an earthquake and she would have immediately stood up and claimed sole responsibility for it.
I was unaccustomed to being so dependant in our relationship, but she seemed to like the new order of things in some small corner of her mind. She had often called me her strength and I had always wondered what made her think so. I never gave her anything. If anything, I seemed to abuse her. Perhaps my testing her made her feel strong. I don?t know. I?ll probably never know, because I?ll never ask. No matter what though, she always seemed to believe in me. Now she was asking me to believe in her, and I couldn?t do it. She could lead the world into prosperity and peace. She could tame unruly politicians with a few soft words. She could melt hearts with one well timed glance, but she could never, no matter what her skills, make me whole again.
The incident had occurred on the day of her inauguration as President of the World Sphere. I had spotted him before he was even within a mile of the stage. His gait was weighted down by the large suitcase in his hand and he was looking far too furtive to not be up to something. I moved to intercept him, but the crowd was too thick and I decided instead to go and find Wufei. He and the Preventors could deal with the man. When I arrived at the base of the stage I found that Wufei?s usual position was occupied by an older gentleman that looked as though he were about to fall asleep at his post. Relena was going up to speak. I didn?t hesitate, I didn?t even really think. I was past the guards in an instant and dashing to where she stood at the podium, shock present on her features. I saw the gun, I heard the shot, and I felt the penetration. For a second, chaos ruled. Half the security team seemed to think that the shot had come from me and they moved to tear me away from Relena. The other half was dashing about in confusion. I could hear her voice, telling me it was alright. I may have believed her.

Certainty?s disappeared
What do we do for our dream to survive?
How do we keep all our passions alive?
As we used to do

She had fallen asleep in her chair again. She had been working on something on her laptop and had gradually dozed off, thinking all the time that I was fast asleep. I hadn?t wanted to face her today. I didn?t want to look and see how much pity she felt for me.
For the first time in my life, I have no new mission to follow. I wasn?t obligated to live, and I wasn?t obligated to die. I was helpless, uncertain, and she knew it. My existence had never been safe or loving. Nothing was ever easy and I had suffered from doubt before. But now I didn?t even have the strength of my own body to rely on. I couldn?t protect her like this. I couldn?t even protect myself.
I was pulling her away from work. She had fallen so far behind that she had begun to bring it in with her. A few times I tried to send her to the office, but she stubbornly maintained that she would stay until I was ?recovered?, whatever that meant. She had stopped telling me I would walk again. Perhaps she had seen the disbelief in my eyes when she said it. Perhaps she could no longer convince herself it was true. For whatever reason, she now talked about how easy it was to get around in a chair these days. She spoke of their maneuverability, of their speed. I didn?t care. I wasn?t even allowed to sit up yet, why would I bother thinking about a chair?
Then one day she didn?t come. I had never noticed how much I had come to rely on her presence. She had gone home promising to return, and she hadn?t come. Just when I was beginning to worry about her, the door to my room opened. I didn?t have to turn my head, because the intruder immediately started to speak.
?Hey buddy. How you feeling?? Duo Maxwell had invaded my reverie and had the audacity to pretend everything was normal. He and the others of all people should have known to stay away. They should have known I would not want to face them. ?Relena sent me; she said you could use some company.? He said easily, settling himself into Relena?s chair. I waited for further information about Relena?s whereabouts, but for once in his life Duo had decided not to volunteer information.
I took a breath and asked, ?Where is she?? It was the third real sentence I had said since my incapacitation and Duo?s head instantaneously snapped up and stared at me in shock.
?What did you say?? Duo asked incredulously. Moron. He knew exactly what I had said.
?Where is she?? I reiterated through gritted teeth.

Deep in my heart I?m concealing
Things that I?m longing to say
Scared to confess what I?m feeling
Frightened you?ll slip away

Duo?s face split into a grin and he shook his head wryly, silently laughing at some inner joke. ?And she thought she wasn?t reaching you.? He said with humor in his voice. Then he grew more serious. ?We?ve been worried about you man.?
?Where is she?? I asked again, impatience seeping into my voice.
?Relena? She?s at home. She needed a break and a good night?s sleep.? Duo said, shrugging his shoulders and looking careless.
?Hn.? Was my only reply. I had learned what I needed to, now I could go back to my private thoughts.
Duo stayed a few more hours, but my unresponsiveness eventually gave him the hint he needed. As he left the room he said, ?We?ve missed you man.?
Relena came back the next day and I felt immense relief wash over me when I realized she had not given up on me. In my joy I almost spoke to her, but I held back for some unknown reason. She was cheerful all day chattering away and even pausing now and then to see if I would reply. Now and then I honored her with a grunt of acknowledgement and she would go into a state of elation at my ?rapid recovery?. Her enthusiasm was endearing and when she left that night I almost asked her not to go. It was then that I realized with a shock that I wanted her to stay. I didn?t care that sleeping in the chair was bad for her back. I didn?t care that she wouldn?t get a decent breakfast and I didn?t care that she would be late for work. I was experiencing a completely selfish impulse to hold her to me and not share her with anyone. I didn?t tell her what I was thinking. I couldn?t. To be kind to a cripple was one thing, but to share your life with one? Even before, when I had been a man whole and strong, I had not been good enough for her. Now I did not even have body I could offer to her without shame. If I told her what I wanted from her she would surely stop visiting. She would not wish to torment me with her presence. Perhaps she would think that I was asking her to take care of me. Or perhaps she would think I was joking.
The idea of her rejection was too much to bear and I quickly shut it out of my mind by going over various ways to disarm an opponent. Any opponent that threatened Relena. Damn, it was getting harder to not think of her every day. When one has a lot of time to think, like me, they tend to torture themselves with thoughts they really should not be thinking. Thus my thoughts went through a million hypothetical situations in which I in one manner or another confessed my affection to Relena. In some of them she accepted, in some of them she scoffed. Even in the ones where she reciprocated my feelings I was left with a feeling of anguish. I had no way of being a good husband or provider. I did not move well in the circles she belonged in. I most certainly would not be good for public relations. Any relationship between us would end in heartbreak and ruination. Relena deserved better then that for her kindness to me.
Come to think of it, why was she being so kind to me? Her guilt could hardly have carried on this long. I had lain in this bed for four months; there was no chance she still felt bad for what had happened to me. Or did she? Did she feel a degree of guilt and responsibility so great that she would be forced to care for me the rest of my life? Or was it something else?

You must love me
You must love me

It was impossible. Alright, improbable. It was foolish. Who could love a cripple? Especially a cripple that had previously threatened to kill you? And yet? She had arranged to have each of my old companions visit me. She was here herself nearly every day just to keep me company. I was receiving top notch medical treatment that I most certainly could not afford. And she had hinted to me numerous times, years ago that she would do anything for me?

Why are you at my side?
How can I be any use to you now?
Give me a chance and I?ll let you see how
Nothing has changed

Of what use was I now? What could I possibly do? Could I work with computers? Design security systems? Could I live out my life dependant on not only a chair, but a woman as well? I could serve no purpose for her.
Perhaps I was looking at my handicap in the wrong manner. I had heard stories of people who, through raw determination, had forced their legs to work for them again against all odds and logic. Who possessed more raw determination then me? That was that. I would force my legs to work again and then?
And then what? I would confess my love? Sweep the girl off her feet and ride off into the sunset? Even without a handicap I was not a good match for her. First things first, I would regain control of my body, and then I would seek control of my personal life.
So I worked. Every day for hours I would concentrate on the big toe of my left foot. Weeks went by with no result, but no one had told me it was going to be easy. Besides, I wasn?t even certain I was going about it the correct way.
At first Relena assumed I was simply being more surly then usual. Then she began to get suspicious. Finally, she outright asked me.

Deep in my heart I?m concealing
Things that I?m longing to say
Scared to confess what I?m feeling
Frightened you?ll slip away

?What?s been on your mind Heero?? Relena asked firmly. I knew from her tone that there was no hiding my intentions from her, but I found myself unable to answer. I stared at my sheets for a minute, hoping that they would provide me with instructions in how to deal with human contact.
?I?ve been?? What? What was I going to say? I couldn?t decide. I didn?t know how to convey to her the fact that after dismissing the idea for so long I was finally determined to see my legs working again. ?I?m going to move that toe.? I finally said.
Relena?s eyes widened and she sucked in a breath. I was certain she was about to tell me how absolutely absurd I was being. ?Would you like some help?? She asked mildly. It was my turn to be surprised. My eyes snapped to her face and I searched there for an explanation for her behavior.
?Relena?? I said gently. It was a question, an expression of gratitude, and a plea all in one.
?You can do anything you set your mind to Heero, I have no doubt of that.? She said. There was a note of sadness in her voice that I could barely detect. What was wrong? ?But?? I waited patiently for her to finish her statement. After what seemed like forever she continued. ?I liked having you planted in one place. I guess you could say I liked having you around without you running off and leaving-? She cut herself off abruptly and turned away.
I sat in shock for a moment and digested what she had said. ?Relena?? I murmured, and she turned to face me again. There were tears in her eyes. ?It will be? Quite some time before I can go all that far.? That was all I could give her. All I could bring myself to say.
And it was enough. She nodded her head firmly and her smile returned, brighter then ever. In that moment, I realized that it didn?t matter if I walked again. All that mattered was that she would give me that look for the rest of my life. The future was uncertain, and riddled with obstacles, but I had found my new mission and I would not fail this time.
?Mission accepted.?

You must love me
You must love me
You must love me

A/N: Okay, so the ending was... Well, terrible. But at least I finally finished one!

[Tomorrow]

I read this on FFN, and I'm glad that you posted it here (I HATE reviewing there).

I liked the realism of this. In many cases, people don't take into consideration the fact that Heero is being physically harmed when shot, blown up, etc. Sure, he may not die, but it wouldn't be so far-fetched to think that (even with his body) he'd suffer some sort of impairment/permanent injury. More importantly, it shows that Heero is human: there are some challenges even he can't handle/conquer... at least not alone.

Also, I found your portrayal of Relena to be very accurate. It gave me chills.

My only qualm is the spacing. I just had a difficult time reading it, with the paragraphs jumbled together. It would be a little easier to decipher if you added spaces between paragraphs. That's all. Other than that, I really, REALLY liked this piece.

Yay!

~Tomorrow

[Tobo Castit]

Thank you for reminding me, I write as the Light Goddess Kalinda on fanfiction.net, so if anyone is worried I stole this, that was me.
Anyway, I didn't take the spacing into account when I posted this, I sort of did it on a whim... Sorry for the inconvenience and thank you so much for the review!

[lilac310]

You know what...everytime I want to post a review and see that Tomorrow had already posted hers, I'm just speechless because she had already said what was on my mind!!!....Creepy but hey, it's ok..at least I don't have to type a reply that long...

..If you wanna know what I think of this fic, just look at Tomorrow's response...heh...I agree with the realism of it all, including Heero and Relena's attitude...and the way you wrote it was very easy to follow..umm, well aside from the spacing that is..

Wonderful!!!!!

[bookworm]

Very nice. I truly like how the couple was portrayed here. And even though it was a little sad, I didn't mind. *sniff* Poor Heero. Though it does make me cheer for him.

[Raspberry]

What do you mean that ending was terrible?!

It was beautiful!

Great job!



About the toe thingy... Something like that was in Kill Bill One

[Tobo Castit]

Thank you to everyone who reviewed! I feel so loved... It's nice getting so much support. I haven't posted a fic in a few years and I wasn't sure if I was ready to come back.
Actually, I have never seen Kill Bill (vol. 1 or 2). What I DID see that inspired that little tidbit was a WW2 film featuring John Wayne in which his character breaks his neck and has to lie on his stomach in a hospital for a year. One day a friend of his, sick of how he has been moping, comes into the room with a small drum and tells him to chant, "I'm gonna move that toe". The friend beats the drum all day while chanting and FINALLY, after a few months, the toe moves. That scene has always stuck with me and I thought I would make a small homage to it in my fic.

Tobo