Steel Hearts (Ep1) Updated version easier to read and edited

[SOULS_LEADER]

Full metal panic
"Steel Hearts"

New life


EXT
1500 hours ??/??/??

Jungle
It starts by seeing a long haired boy in uniform chasing something. He was after a man in mithril uniform. he caught up to him and pulled out a silver revolver with beuatiful engravings

the man shouted "you fuckers dont die"

and pointed his sniper rifle at him and the view looks up to the sky and hears a shot .
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Int and ext
700 hours 02/09/02
School and Running Sequence
School and Street

kaname and souske arguing. everybody was staring at them.

Shinji said "there they go again fighting for no apperent reason."

They were stoped by tessa when she said "the teacher coming."

everybody sat down.

The teacher said "good morning class. I have to take roll call so sound off ok."

the seen jumps to a guy who was running from the street to the school and into the halls. He was wearing a black button down shirt and kahki pants. he was rushing into class. he triped on the door railing in his way in.

He yelled " ouch. "
everybody was laughing exept for souske who kept a straight face. Kaname was wodering who the hell is this guy. He stood up and gave the teacher a piece of paper .

The teacher turned to the class and said" seems like we have a new addition to the class david why wont you present youre self to the class."

He replied ok. He said "Hello everybody my name is david miamoto but you can call me david. I am 16 years old and i came from the US to study here."

Kaname thought this guy looks familiar meh maybe its nothing.

so the miss Kagurazaka asked him "why arent you in uniform."

he looked at himself and laughed.

He said "sorry I didnt have the time to buy one."

She replied "ok just be sure to buy it this week. You can sit down any where you like."

He sat down right next to shinji and souske.
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INT
1200 hours 02/09/02

School
Tessa was outside the room using her Cell Phone that was given to her by Mithril

The bell rang and it was lunch time.

Mizuki said sudenly "do you think he's seeing someone" while staring at david.

"Who" said Kaname.

Mizuki replied "the new guy david."

"Why wont you go ask" said kyouko.

tessa called kaname and said "can i speak to you privately.I am sorry for telling you this but seems like there putting new people in to guard you there might be a chance that souske would be replaced."

kaname said in shock "replaced."

"yeah they said theyre sending 3 new people in and I have to leave by next month."

Kaname exclaimed "cant you do anything."

She replied "im sorry i tried but it was direct orders from the top."

Souske came out and interupted them "anything wrong" he said.

they both replied "nothings wrong".

When kaname walked in David was staring at her. She caught him and he suddenly turned and looked out as if he wasnt staring.

kaname said queitly "that guy is creeping me out."

Kyouko came up to her and asked her and tessa if they were still going. They said yeah "sure." (they call it girls night out)

souske heared her and came up to her and "said your going to the mall?"

"Hmm", said kaname she said yeah. "you want to go with us" she said.

Mizuki interupted "uuh uh no way where going to bring him along. Besides its all girls night out and i dont want him to do what he did last time on our "fake date" remeber."

Souske looked down.

He said "its alright If you guys dont want me there." (silently) "i can still do my job with out being seen."

They all said what?!

he turned red and said "nothing nothing just thinking out loud."

Mizuki said "that guy gets weirder and wierder everyday what a loser."

Kaname and Tessa suddenly looked at her like they where about to kill her.

She said "what?, what i say"




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EXT
1600 hours 02/09/02

Mall strip and Street

Later They were walking and Kaname said "wow I cant belive souskes not following us."

Tessa said "I feel woried."

Kaname replied "dont worry hes probably watching from afar and plus theres 4 of us what could possibly happen."

They noticed the cup mascot from Quizway inside it was souske.

mizuki said "what a loser" and they all laughed.

They didnt know that souske was inside. He is worried that his mobility is limited. So he took of the suit in the alley cautiously followed them. they turned the corner and souske followed. Then they went in a store. Souske stoped and stared. Its a lingre store he couldnt get in because he would be branded as a pervert. So he went to the other side of the street and waited there. Exactly when a robber stole a ladies purse. Being souske a hero he went after the guy. While souske was chasing after the crook. The girls all went down a small empty street.

Mizuki said Its a "short cut."

Kyouko and tessa was uneasy.

Then someone shouted "hey baby".

They looked up and saw a ugly looking guy on a makeshift chair.

He said "hey baby wanna have some fun." and making wooing noises

Kaname was pissed. She said "you better shut the hell up before i kick your ass."

The guy said. "mmmm i like them frisky."

then almost 8 guys came out with chains, bats, and knives.

The guy who was siting said the "blue haired one is mine."

they all replied "yes boss."

and they just jumped on everybody. Tessa screams and souske feels it. He was out of breath because he had to run back and forth to get the purse back to the owner. So he starts running. Kaname was puting up a fight until she was pinned down. tessa and the others were being held and harrased.

The boss went up to kaname and said " kick my ass? ha" and put his hand in her skirt.

CUT



COMMERCIAL

dododododododoododo eat sushi dododoodododododod watch more anime ddodododododoododododdo FULL METAL PANIC KIXKS ASSdododododododod now back to the show

ENTER



Before he could reach anything a suitcase and a plastic bag flew and hit the guy in the face.

Kaname said " thank god its souske."

The girls notice a man. This guy was fighting bravely. He took out the 1st guy with a swift kick to the head. the second guy he grabed by the arm and used him as a weapon by shmashing him to the 3rd and 4th guy. the 1st guy stood back up and he kicked him in the nuts. Then the man picked up a 2x4 and just broke it ove the 5th and sixth guy. the other 2 members paniced and ran away.

Tessa said to her self those "movements they look familiar." she had a flashback of her brother. and said " Renado" .

Then the boss stood back up and pulled out a knife. He attacked. He tried to counter it but got him in the arm.

He said to himself "damn it I cant do it anymore."

So the guy was going for another shot. In defence he kicked the suit case and trip the boss. He stood up and kicked the guy in the face.

He said that "you should stop and go haras other guys that look like you."

He helped tessa up and asked her "are you ok."

She replied "Im fine."

Kyouko and mizuki woke up kaname and helped her up.

Mizuki said "hey wait a minute your the new guy".

He laughed and said "yeah Im the new guy."

Kaname gave him along stare. David said "uh what are you looking at"(in a calm tone).

Then Kaname said "did you go to P.S 247 when you were younger."

He replied yeah.

Kaname exclaimed "I knew it you looked kinda familiar we were in the same class together back in the states."

he said How did you know ?

She said that "how goofy you were and the facial expression you had everytime you where imbarrased and the laugh.I use to make fun of you because of that."

Your mom said dont make fun of me of that and he smiled.

Ill be honest I knew it was you all along.

Kaname said "why didnt you say anything."

He replied "I was embarased to talk to you because i havent seen you in what 7 years."

She said "why did you cut your hair."

He laughed and said "it got in the way."

David told "Kyouko and Mizuki to call for the cops to pick up this scum bags well get kaname help and he smiled at them"

So they left

Then out of no where souske pops out with his glock and pointed it at the back of david's head.

David said "easy there."

David mumbled " damn, mithril always on the job".

Souske said "kaname are you alright."

she replied "souske im alright put the gun down."

david said "put the 26 down im not the one who was hurting them."

kaname stood up and tried walking. but she fell because her ankle was sprained durring the scuffle.

Souske put back the pistol in the holster and asked kaname "you want me to carry you back to your house"

She turned red and she was about to get mad but she saw Souske's face. She could tell that hes not doing this to cup a feel. So he started walking.

He asked kaname "are you ok did they do anything to you."

she said "im fine. I should have let you come with us."

He said "its alright as long as you're safe."


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1630 hours 02/09/02
Street and House

They were walking. Kaname was in souske's arms. Tessa was talking to David.

She asked him "you guys knew each other."

He said "yeah we did we were friends in back in the states."

Tessa said "were? If you were friends before your still friends."

He laughed and said "you sound just like your brot...... i mean my brother."

"He said in his mind woops that almost slipped."

Souske said "we're here."

Tessa opened the door Souske put kaname in the couch. Then he looked at david like he was going to kill him. David had a blank stare with this glare of courage in his eyes. Kaname and Tessa suddenly had chills. Tessa fell down and souske was confused on what is happening. Tessa and kaname passed out. David turned around with his arm bleeding badly and left. a few minutes later The girls were Ok again. Souske asked what happened. Tessa said i dont know. and they started to cry. It was overwhelming they said. It was like we could feel hate, anger,and sadness .

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INT
700 hours 02/10/02
Jendai High school

The next day. You see david running again to school. He said made it. He was panting hard.

"Good morning Guys he said. Kaname hows your ankle."

She replied " Its much better " Then Tessa said "we forgot to tell you thank you for yesterday"

he replied "no problem" and smiled

Souske is in the back staring thinking "who the hell is this guy"


credits









dododododododo on the next full metal panic
threats of taking souske out was worrying the girls out. They get in a game show.Souske is watching david like a hawk. and trouble was brewing in a small island in the south of japan.

ep Exposier see you soon

[Grimnist]

Its a llittle bit better. easier to reads and understand. and you filled up some of the holes thats a marvalous improvement. I love the time thingy very military. and you kept the comercial lol

Keep up the good job

[dd]

@SL and @Grimnist.

Is there any epidemic going around? You guys both seem fond of starting sentences just after a period and leaving out capitalization. Hope it's not catching Won't say any more there....

@SL

You cleaned things up, but it's still hard to read... hard to get into a story that scrolls of the screen... isn't easy to sort through a lot of misspelling... there isn't any reel flow or transition to the sentences.

Good start, though. Keep working at it. If you're just writing for yourself, do it your way and don't worry about what anyone else thinks. But, if you're writing for a crowd, you need to make things work reasonably well for them. People won't read things they find difficult, insulting, annoying, or overly sloppy. That's just human nature.

[Magsnus]

I dont know about this...the story (plot) itself is good but how do you write?

It seems more like this is some sort of manuscript for a film or something.

Jungle
It starts by seeing a long haired boy in uniform chasing something. He was after a man in mithril uniform. he caught up to him and pulled out a silver revolver with beuatiful engravings

You get my drift? The plot aint bad but the fic would be much greater if you wrote everything down, describe the nature, the enviroment, the people and what is happening.
Explain it to us, show us and so on so fourth...

In fact you should read dd's stories, aim to get your fic that good...I understand that it probably wont be but you should always aim to be better than the best.

Keep writing, if you shape this up abit it will be a great fic
Im looking forward to future fics.

With regards
Magsnus

[SOULS_LEADER]

You guys are right. I got to start using spell check. Ok so the problem with my writing is
1) Speeeeeeelling

2) bad my gramar

3) my periods. and capitals



Ok magsnus i write what ever pops in my brain when im in school, bed, or usually when i sit in the computer. I usually write about 4 hours straight, then and a hour more to revise and fill the pot holes.

Now dd i am trying to write half and half. Half for the crowd and half for myself. I want to see how good of a writter i am. People like you and magsnus are the people i am looking for because you guys give constructive critisism, not like some people who read it and say its crap and they dont even leave a opinion and for that I bow and thank you

[Magsnus]

@ SOULS_LEADER

Thats right man
You have the right attitude towards writing, myself I have never written a fanfic but I hvae read alot and I have read lots and lots of books so Im a good reader but I doubt that Im a good writer so I can only give you my advices as a reader.

I want to see how good of a writter i am

That is good and true, one has to learn to crawl before one can learn to walk
Keep up the good work and keep writing, you will most certainly write some good fics
And as I said, Im looking forward to get to read them

With regards
Magsnus

[SOULS_LEADER]

Thank you very much and oh yeah dd what do you mean about
hard to get into a story that scrolls of the screen. Hehehe

and oh yeah forgot i started the second episode ill try to put in your critisism
and thank you again