Never Alone (P2 of 3, 6/?)

[Iesu]

Gomen-gomen... Boring, corny chapter...~_~

Chapter six- His thoughts

Blood trickled down upon the short haired girl?s leg as she shifted her form a bit uncomfortably against his, her leg wrapped crudely in a dark red shirt. Her arm slowly wrapped around the fallen king?s neck as the stray steed they have come upon took them off into the distance of the horizon.

The fallen king held her tight with one arm, the other upon the horse-like creature?s reins. His sheathed blade remained upon his side, though his eyes were upon the horizon, sweat moving down upon the side of his head. He sighed as for a moment, he had trailed the silent and almost pained expression of the girl in his arms, swearing in damnation to himself, upon what had occurred, to how helpless he was to even protect her. The thoughts lingered upon his mind as they repeated again and again, seeming to babble on endlessly.

The sky shadowed me. The sky had always shadowed me. What light remained had been so long gone. What warmth remained had been so long gone. What certainty I had had been so long gone. What was left for me, I wondered, as I stared upon the moonless night?

Would it always be like this? Would subtlety be our song? Will we only reflect what we feel upon stray gazes and nimble touches? Would we spend eternity guessing why? Will forever be the only thing we can expect?

I have always wondered how she felt, as I have felt for her. I have always thought of myself as one who would give her all, though I know she has given me more. I have always thought that I would protect her, though she always had protected me. She had always been there for me, as I have been there for her.

But I have never deserved her, I think. I have never given her all. I have never protected her. I was never always there for her. And yet I have the nerve to call her mine? I am selfish, and that is the part of me that I can never part. I have loved her and that is a part of me I can never part.

Should I be selfish and hold her in my arms, or should I love her and release her to someone else? Am I the only one to give her this smile or is there anyone else who can show her happiness? Could I let her go, or hold her to myself? Should I love her selfishly or love her truly?

I gaze upon her direction as she smiles once again, a scene I would never forget. She had always been like this, my muse. In a calm face, I hid my fears, a mask of sorts that kept inside the tears that had been so long trying to push out, a smile to hide anger from within.

Anger? Hatred? Rage? Why do they build up within me? I am certain that I do not feel it towards her yet I feel it all the same when I am with her... Why? Why do I hate myself for loving her? Why do I hurt myself for caring for her? Why did she have to be such that I never deserved?

She is strong, I know, for I have seen her face much worse. If I let her go, would she be strong enough to just look away? Would I be strong enough to let her pass? Strength, why has it abandoned me? Why do I have it in spades while with her? Is she my strength?

The uncertainty grows, for the mere fact that she has grown to be a lot more than I had known, and I, just a corrupted soul, would approach her and taint the very thing that I have found love within her? Would I be able to take that chance? Should I love her selfishly or love her truly?

Why does she always wish to be so close to me, when I have nothing else to give? Why does she always speak to me, when I have nothing else to say? Why? I have no more words to say that could name these questions, these feelings, these uncertainties.

Why should it be so simple, that the mind need not be challenged, only common sense pushing through? Why should it be so complex, so compounded of everything that had occurred, that that is your only thought in everyday you live, that even a night?s sleep is unattainable?

I wished for her, that fact is certain, and yet so uncertain in a sense. A lesser evil or a greater one, a choice of greed or a thought of charity, and yet uncertainty grows stronger. Does she wish for me as well, to be by her side, to hold her close and never let go?

They frightened me, these thoughts, these questions that would never cease to bother me everyday of my life. Did they frighten me so to this decision or to that path, or is it all just another blur? Fear is my ally, or is it my opponent? My silent assailant, of which true uncertainty abounds.

And I was frightened by it, by trying to find an answer, by asking so much, by trying to know. Questions. Answers. Questions. Answers. The more I think of them, the more they grow. The part of answer as it grows could never quite reach what question has in store.

I still feared it, when I found what I seeked, upon realizing what I need to know, I knew that I needed to know more. More of what the endless would provide, more answers to questions only I asked. More uncertainties to make me certain.

And they still bring fear in me. Her presence had hurt me so much, and yet I did not know why. I had to be strong, but I had to be weak. I wished for her yet I knew that I could never have her as I wished her to be. Is it that easy to fear or that hard to sum up what little courage is left inside?

I have finally found a name to what I have felt, to all my questions, my uncertainties. An answer that would reach the limits of the infinite, though they were only simple words, words that had been so long before uttered yet so long before had been overlooked and yet concentrated upon, I loved her...

I always have loved her, and I would probably always will. I do not know bounds to what I felt, yet I knew only that this answer matched all the questions within me, I could not fathom why yet they did. If my uncertainties filled the void of the infinite, then would what I feel for her be the same?

Me? How could it be so? That I would love her unconditionally? I have realized that I had always been selfish, and yet I had been true. I do not know of which side of the decision would this be. I wished for her heart to be always with me and yet, I never wished to bring her sorrow.

Her eyes made me feel the same, seeming to do the impossible, as the questions, endless as they were, increased in depth and length, forming answers unfathomable and unspeakable. I wanted to shout out to the very heavens, yet her voice had calmed me... Why?

I had to trust these questions, for I knew as well that these uncertainties wished for her as well. What is it that I wish from her? What is it that I long to feel for her? Do I seek for her as I have met her or do I seek only something else, will this be the final question or the first of infinity?

Do I wish for her to be close to me, or faraway that I can?t see? Is it that I only want her there or only for her to be happy? Am I alive with these or just dead, lingering a past and searching a future that may never come? Would I haunt forever these uncertainties or would they forever haunt me?

My heart carries the thoughts, my dreams wrought upon desire. I seeked only release from these for I knew only of her as I had no right to. I met her, a confrontation upon her eyes, and yet, I still see her eyes when I close mine.

Am I haunted, as these uncertainties haunt me? No, it cannot be, for I only seek refuge upon my thoughts of her everyday... Yes, I am haunted by her, her eyes, her voice, her face, her smile. It frightens me to think anymore that I have thought of her in an unright manner, though I was all to blame.

These uncertainties taught me of truths unnoticed as time passes, yet they brought about the greatest change. The questions, they whisper once again upon the darkness, their flickers of cascading light dissipating upon memory as dark, icy shards.

I could never see it in new light, nor do I think will it ever be seen in any light. This shrouded sky is the only thing left as these uncertainties bang upon my head like a hammer against a smith?s anvil. Only one certainty could it never take away... I love her...

She slowly stirred awake, glancing up towards him, her hand weakly reaching up to his cheek, her fingertips gently caressing his skin, seeming to tell him that she was alright, though to him it seemed that it was only for an assurance.

?Hitomi... I...? His voice was as weak as her movement, trying to remember words that he had tried so long ago to utter, ?I...?

Her expression upon him moved to a confused one, though a tint of crimson moved upon her cheeks, her eyes almost hoping, almost realizing what he was trying to say.

He shook his head, breath escaping his lips, a sigh of sorts, a breath of frustration as he voiced softly, ?Daijoubu...?

Her eyes remained upon him for a short moment, her expression slowly moving to a hidden sorrow, "Hai..." her voice weak as she settled her head against his chest, murmuring half to herself, ?Wakarimashita...?

They had fallen silent, uncertain and certain both at the same time. They sighed at the same time, making her giggle as a smile played upon the fallen king?s lips. Upon the horizon, they moved on under the shine of the bright moons.

[morgansgirl23]

This last chapter was very deep. I didn't think it was boring at all but insightful as to what Van thinks of his relationship with Hitomi is all about. It's sad that he can't express himself fully to her, but under the current circumstances it's understandable. Please continue on!