The Bunny Approach [3/3]

[RelenaFanel]

Summary: Easter is approaching, and the newest foe looks as innocent as a bunny, (in fact it's a man dressed up as the Easter Bunny) but is dangerous enough to strike terror into the hearts of the Gundam Gang. HYRP slight DMHS
Chapter 3/3: Chocolate should never be shared!
Chapter 1:http://blissfulignorance.com/phpBB/viewtopic.php?t=5524
Chapter 2: http://blissfulignorance.com/phpBB/viewtopic.php?t=5576

She awoke to the sickly sweet smell of a sterile hospital. Hilde eyed her with concern from a chair by her bed. Relena tried to sit up, only to give up on the motion early on. Hilde picked up the bed remote and the bed moved into a sitting position.

?How long have I been out?? Her voice was hoarse and slurred from antiseptics and loss of blood. She grabbed a bottle of water beside her bed.

?A few hours. We were so worried. I swear you took a few days off my life when we found you just lying there.? She chortled mirthlessly. ?It looked as if you had been shot, but all you needed was a few stitches.?

?Any idea why it ripped open like that??

Hilde shrugged. ?Shoddy workmanship all around. The intern who sewed you up also left a tiny shard of glass in the wound. So I guess you?re actually very lucky it opened. Sally was a very irate doctor. I figured she was going to go against her profession and take a life.? Hilde picked a piece of lint off her shirt. As an afterthought she grinned. ?So you have stitches on your boob huh? Great story idea.?

Relena groaned. It seemed as if aspects of her life were always turning up in Hilde?s novels. In fact, she wouldn?t be surprised if Hilde didn?t have to come up with an original book idea, all she had to do was mooch off the drama of her friend?s lives.

?You know, I?m surprised Heero isn?t here breathing down my neck. It?s almost pleasant.? Relena forced a grin. Some mad man was trying to kill her and she was all alone. Well she had Hilde, but the raven-haired novelist didn?t count. She just wasn?t Heero.

Hilde?s eyes widened. She tried to cough discretely while rummaging through her purse for her cell phone. She flipped it on, tried dialing, then slammed it against her knee a few times in frustration.

?You do realize that cell phones are prohibited in hospitals? They have interference now so you can?t place a call.?

?Dammit, I?ve got to tell Duo. I can?t believe we were so stupid.? She emphasized this by drilling her phone into her forehead then muttering about how much it hurt.

?What? It should be able to wait until you can get to a pay phone.?

?Not really. We forgot to tell Heero.?

?You what! But I got blood all over his floor. Holy crapperoni? He?ll take a fit. You know how he gets.? Relena shook her head for a second and burst out laughing. Hilde looked at her strangely.

?You probably have a concussion.?

?I don?t have a concussion, gundammit! Think about the expression on his face when he comes home. He?ll tear that building apart brick by brink in a matter of seconds. Then he?ll eat it.?

?Yeah, that must be why he always looks constipated.? Hilde started to cackle, hitting her hand against her knee in mirth. Relena?s own amusement was cut short when she looked to the doorway to see GlareMan staring icily at her. She looked at the unaware woman across from her, and the man she loved lounging in the doorframe scrutinizing her, and began laughing with true enjoyment. It didn?t take long for her laugh to turn into hiccupping gasps for breath. Hilde looked at her startled, but that was mild compared to the fright she got when Heero grabbed her arm and pushed her out of the room.

A few minutes later Relena managed to catch her breath. Heero watched unconcerned from the chair he had forced Hilde to vacate. She grabbed the bottle of water and gulped down a few mouthfuls. They sat in silence.

?When can I get out of here? These synthetic cotton blankets are itchy.? To emphasize she rubbed the bleached sheets together to make a scratching sound.

Heero?s posture was so perfect it appeared as if he was one with the chair. He grunted indifferently and reached for a box of chocolates Duo had left with her. Plopping a few in his mouth he offered her one of her own chocolates and ate the rest.

?Hey? those were mine.? She tried to glare, but he was just too cute scarfing down little bunny-shaped chocolates.

?Someone,? He growled pointedly, ?ate mine.?

Ignoring the closest she would probably come to hearing him whine, she leaned over despite the pain and grabbed the very last one from his hand. ?When will I be able to go home? You deliberately ignored the question a minute ago. So tell me or I?ll eat this.?

He raised an eyebrow subtly as if to ask why he should care. ?I?d never be that desperate for candy. You aren?t going home. It should be safe here. The floor is cordoned off. The only company you have is the man in the bunny suit you hit.? He got up to leave. She sighed and went to eat the chocolate before it completely melted in her hand. ?Willing to share that??

She looked up surprised; Heero usually was unwilling to share, yet alone suggest it. He took the opportunity the snatch the chocolate and plop it in his mouth. No sooner were the words ?I thought we were going to share,? out of her mouth when he leaned over and kissed her. Indeed, the chocolatey sweetness was shared.

<*><*><*><*><*><*><*><*><*>

Heero left the hospital room half an hour later and practically ran into a fretting Duo. He kept striding towards the elevator. Duo looked uncertainly between Relena?s room and Heero, finally scurrying after the ex-gundam pilot. ?Heya. Did you notice if Relena ate any of those chocolates I left??

Dorothy walked towards them coming off the elevator. She and Duo nodded to each other and continued on their way. Heero barely acknowledged either of their existences.

?Come on Superheero,? Duo chortled vaguely at the joke, which was becoming old. ?It?s important that she eats them. Dr. Sally and I crammed her sedative into them.?

Heero?s eyes practically snapped out bolts of furious lightening. He didn?t trust himself to speak or move until his rage abated. He managed to spit out ?she had a few,? before lunging for Duo?s neck.

?Whoa, then what?s the problem? She won?t be in pain for a few hours.? Duo was almost used to speaking with someone (mostly Heero) crushing his windpipe. He just didn?t get this guy.

?I had more.? Duo had time to choke out a curse word before Heero collapsed in a pile of drugged muscle and flesh. Duo?s eyes bulged and he cursed more, kicking Heero?s ribs in frustration.

Meanwhile Dorothy sauntered into Relena?s room without knocking. She sat down and stared at Relena for a moment. ?You know what Miss Relena? Its Easter and I haven?t had an ounce of chocolate yet. I don?t suppose you have any left??

?What is it with you people and chocolate? No there isn?t any left! Can you smell it, or do you have some sort of chocolate radar??

?Actually you have some on your chin. It looks like you were positively devouring them.?

?Yeah,? she sighed with a foolish grin across her lips. ?There was definitely some devouring going on.?

?Uh huh, that?s nice. Can I have that little bit on your chin??

?What? NO!? Relena had to pinch Dorothy when she tried to force herself towards the chocolate. ?What?s wrong with you?? Dorothy seemed to snap out of a trance as Relena wiped her chin off.

?Wow, that?s disturbing and disgusting. Sorry Rele. Maybe I should go buy my own. I?ll be right back.?

?Ok, see?? Relena collapsed against her pillow. Dorothy raised an eyebrow and leaned in to make sure she hadn?t died (probably hoping she had. Yay, inheritance!). Relena suddenly bolted up out of her sleep, almost clouting a startled Dorothy with her head. ?? you later.?

The two women looked at each other. Relena was the first to react by pushing Dorothy away. ?What?s wrong with you? You can?t have any of the chocolate on my chin!? She seemed to be oblivious to the fact she passed out midsentence.

Dorothy left in time to spot Duo dragging Heero into one of the empty rooms. Duo turned the corner through the door pulling his legs and Heero?s head smacked against the doorframe. Duo groaned and let go of the feet. They struck the floor and one of Heero?s combat boots slid off. The braided-man peeked over his unconscious friend to make sure he wasn?t awakening before picking up the feet again and giving a harsh tug. The door of the room slammed shut, banging the perfect soldier on the head. Dorothy could hear Duo?s ?why me? all the way out in the hall.

She turned and left, tripped over a little wizened old man mopping the floor, and landed facedown in the bucket (9 points for the dive, 3 for the graceless landing). It was almost theoretically impossible, but she managed to do it anyway. Her shoulders were lodged in tightly, and the old man didn?t have the strength to pull her out, but probably because he was more intent on groping her. Finally, faced with the choice of drowning or freezing to death, she stood up and let the gritty water splash over her. The floor beneath her feet was slick and she slipped, tumbling down a flight of stairs. With the bucket still stuck to her head, she couldn?t tell if she was awake, or knocked unconscious in the fall. The solution to this problem was evident when Duo?s voice echoed down the stairs.

?I didn?t do it this time. Hey there girly? are you ok??

The old man cackled. ?Lookie, we can see her pretty floral underpanties.?

?Hold on Dorothy. I?ll do the gentlemanly thing and save you from the wandering eyes of old perverts who are close to death.? Like usual, Duo ended up rambling more than moving, and the insulted old perv pushed him down the stairs. He rolled and tumbled in a comical fashion, landing on the soaked girl and her bucket.

?Get off me, degenerate!? Dorothy lashed out at her would-be-savior, shoved the loosened bucket over his head and huffed off grumbling about how long it would take to wash all the grime from her hair.

Duo?s head reeled dizzily. He saw little purple stars, and singing giraffes with Quatre, Catherine and Wufei dancing in the background (hey? they deserve a mention in this adventure as well). The blond, redhead and brunette did a wicked little jig, arms and legs flailing wildly. Duo snickered and watched the show enfolding before his very woozy eyes. Catherine accidentally kicked Wufei in the nose (boy, is that chick flexable). Wufei, in turn, insulted the woman?s womanlyness. Catherine pulled out the knives, Wufei his kantana.

?I?ll show you what this flowery girl can do.? She wildly whipped around her sharp knives, the honed edge reflecting the purple stars.

?That tiny little thing wouldn?t even get to my heart.?

?Because you don?t have one.? The woman shrieked, throwing all her knives at Wufei. Wufei went down in mass of blood and steel. He hopped back to his feet and suddenly the two of them were at each other, in a nonviolent way. Quatre blushed and averted his eyes.

Duo made a sound between a scream and a choke of horror. He grappled with the bucket for a moment before managing to yank it off his head. This did nothing to ease the horrific delusion, so he beamed himself with it.

Relena groggily awoke a few hours later with a pounding head, testimony to a drug induced sleep. There were reasons she refused to take painkillers of any kind. They made her feel weak, and not in full control of her body. She was pretty sure this notion came from Heero. He abhorred not being fully aware, and not being entirely in command of his body. He was the perfect soldier, so many relied on his expertise, and with just one slip so many could die.

She crawled out of bed and squinted around the room in search of fresh water. Not even finding a cup so she could chance her luck with tap water, she tried swallowing with her parched throat. Deciding that she couldn?t go another minute without something to drink, she left the stark comfort of her room in search for a nurse. Yep, she was probably still living it high with meds. To her immense surprise, there was no one in the dim hallway, nor could she hear any signs of life. Holding on to the rail, she stumbled down the hall and peered into the empty nurse?s station.

Wondering why there wouldn?t be at least one nurse stationed on a floor with two patients, Relena rounded the corner and tripped over the prone body of a male nurse. The man probably doubled as a body guard, someone Heero counted on to protect her. She was suddenly frightened, not sure if she could take someone who fell one of Heero?s trusted guards. She rummaged through his jacket, trying to fight off dizziness and find a weapon. His light green scrubs didn?t leave many places to conceal a gun.

?Are you looking for this?? Her head snapped up and she frantically looked around. She recognized that eerie voice. Bunny ears peeked out from behind the front desk. She supposed the owner thought he was hiding.

?Looking for what??

?For this!? The ears flopped angrily. Finally he lifted his hand and showed her the gun, with the nozzle pointed to the ceiling. She took this time to dive over the counter and slam into him. In her distorted state, she just grazed his arm and continued on her journey towards the floor. She wildly grasped for anything to stop her fall. Her hand tightened around felt ears and she jerked the man backwards onto the ground. Two shots were fired before her face connected with the tile floor and his head smacked beside it.

Relena scrambled away from the maniac in a bunny costume. Blood streamed from her nose and gathered on the front of her shirt. Half walking, half crawling she scuttled into the vast hallway. She could hear him laboring to get up behind her. Her breathing was sporadic, and she could almost feel the adrenalin beating through her veins. She tried to remember what Heero had taught her, but since his first lesson was ?never walk into something that feels ominous,? and his second was ?never take on an unknown enemy with a gun,? she wasn?t doing so well. She had done both. Luckily his third lesson was ?run away as fast as you can,? and she was fully intentional of listening to that one.

?Come back here Relena. The pretty whore is just making it harder for herself. For every minute she struggles, shall be another five minutes of us f^cking like rabbits.? His squeaky voice echoed down the hall. She had figured it was computerly enhanced, but it seemed to be his natural pitch. At least now she was starting to comprehend the reason for the rabbit suit. It had to be some symbolism he got off on. The guy had to be very disturbed if he thought a bunnysuit would make him into more of a man.

A shot ricocheted off the wall above her head. Disregarding her drug induced drowsiness, she put all her energy into turning a corner, only to slam into a food cart mid-run. Arms flailing, the cart propelled through the door of a room and slammed into the bed. Food and Relena went flying. She crashed into the bed, somersaulted over it and crashed to the floor. The human bunny stood threateningly in the doorway. He aimed his gun, Relena screeched and ducked. The bullet slammed into the mattress of the bed. She tried to decide if it was safer to stay put, or to crawl under. The bed roared just as she pushed her leg under. Quickly she pulled it back out again? the bed obviously didn?t like that.

The blankets stirred and a shape rose menacingly from the cot. Relena?s eyes almost bugged out of her head in shock. The blankie monster snarled and dove for bunnyboy. They grappled on the ground for a few minutes, the bunny hitting her new savior on the head with his big white paws. Suddenly, mid-battle, the sheetwarrior yawned, curled up in a ball and fell asleep. Relena gaped as floppyears stood over the prone man as if he won a victory.

What kind of savior fell asleep midfight?

?The hare has finally won, you tortoise. Now its time to claim my prize.? He winked at Relena and unzipped the pants to his bunny costume. ?Its time to jack this rabbit up a notch.? Relena couldn?t make herself look away as he reached into his pants and pulled out a carrot. ?Whoops, wrong one.? She gagged and decided she wouldn?t ever eat a salad again.

Just as he was making another fishing trip, the sheet rose behind him. An arm reached out and grabbed the fluffy white tail on the back of the suit. The man yanked, and a ripping sound filled the air as the big ball of fluff turned. Relena was exposed to his hairless naked white ass. A fist reached out from the blanket and slammed into the bunny?s groin. The bunny laughed out loud and started hitting the heroic man with his giant pillowed paws again. It was very much like a chick fight.

Relena grabbed a Bible (since they seem to be in ready supply in every hotel and hospital in the world) and smacked it across the rabbit?s exposed hide (which wasn?t very hidden). The rabbit turned and leered at her. Relena shivered in revulsion and crossed her arms over her chest. By the time the bunny turned around, the knight in shining armor was back to sleep.

?Well, my beautiful Relena. My nose isn?t what is wet this time.? Relena raised an eyebrow and sweatdropped. The bunny continued. ?You know, because rabbits usually have wet noses, but it?s not my nose? Eugh, it doesn?t matter, because right now I?m all chocolate coated. Eat me woman.?

Relena backed slowly away. There was something seriously wrong with this person. ?You don?t want me to do anything. I?m sick, I?m in the hospital.? She coughed desperately. ?I might give you something. The plague or some mysterious new disease.? She was backed into a window. A huge bunny hand reached up and pulled off the huge bunny head. Relena found herself face to face with her female personal secretary. It came as a shock to realize that her terrorist was not a male. Her mouth opened but no words came out. She slid to the floor trying to evade that monstrous paw reaching for her chest.

A foot kicked out in the dim light and sent the rabbit sailing through the window. The man slid to a rest at her feet. Relena untangled the sheet from around his head to find Heero sleeping peacefully on the floor. Peeking out the window, she peered down expecting to see blood and mashed gore beneath her, only to find the rabbit had fallen a few meters onto the roof of an adjacent wing.

Satisfied that no one was hurt, she fell to the floor beside Heero for a well needed nap.

~~~~~~~~~~+~~~~~~~~~~~+~~~~~~~~~~+~~~~~~~~~~+~~~~~~~

?RelenaFanel

[Tomorrow]

:-? :-?

Good things: Yay!!! Heero kissed Relena. They shared chocolates. Heero saved Relena. They even slept together.

Weird things: Ewww... the female secretary. That's a twist.

Bad things: None that I can think of.

I must say, this was very funny, and I definitely enjoyed it. Plenty of humor, with a twinge of romance, is by far one of the better combinations. As I said before, your style is extremely unique and refreshing. Without a doubt, this was one of the more original humor fics that I've read in a while, and you pulled it off quite well.

May I request an epilogue? (puppy face)

[Raspberry]

Well, Relena should always check who she employees Great story! And the female which wanted to rape Relena! And Heero rescuing Relena half-sleeping That was truly priceless! Great great job! And Heero had very interesting way to eat chocolate *sigh* Why all males are not so creative?..

Mr.Perfect Soldier should consider in playing football!

A foot kicked out in the dim light and sent the rabbit sailing through the window

What a kick!

[Raspberry]

May I request an epilogue? (puppy face)

Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah! *nods her head wildly* PLEASE!!!!

[Rose of Betrayal]

This was an excellent story, but I think you should have an Epilogue. Especially because it doesn't really say what happens to the female secretary, to Heero and Relena...etc. I thought after all that (funny) action, a lull after the storm would be called for.

[Morrighan]

So cute! I'm with the others, epilogue please!

[sweet_me_beajai]

well done!!!

great job!!!

totally brill!!!!

epilogue!!!

epilogue!!!

epilogue!!!

epilogue!!!!

[bookworm]

I agree w/ them. An epilogue is needed...definitely.