Christmas Cake (part twelve)

[dd]

There was nothing visible through the window of the helicopter but inky darkness. That didn?t stop Sousuke from staring out into the night. His vision was turned inward.

Images ran through his mind. He thought about the things he had thought and done over the past few days. Kaname figured prominently. The last he had seen of her was a wave from her apartment doorstep. She had turned away at the end, so he couldn?t see her face.

The vibrations throughout the aircraft were minimal, but constant. The moderate noise of the rotor and engines was punctuated by conversations of the support personnel picked up in Japan along with him. Their laughter did nothing to lighten Sousuke?s mood. Holiday music playing on a boom box seemed somehow out of place.

Sousuke could hear Kaname?s farewell. Strange how parting words could make him feel the way he did.

?Sousuke, please be careful. I want you to come back, do you understand? I need you to come back?. to me. OK? To me, Sousuke.?

There had been a powerful and compelling insistence in her voice. There was also a painful openness, a sense of fear and longing. She was afraid for him. She cared deeply for him. He had found it very hard to leave.

Before, Sousuke never concerned himself about thoughts of his return. If he lived, he lived. If he died, he died. When an assignment or mission was over, he would go where he was ordered. Simple. Now, things were different. Each rotation of the copter blades took him further away from Tokyo. Every passing moment brought him closer to another dangerous undertaking.

If he died, he?d never see Kaname again. That though threatened to become unthinkable. Did their sharing a kiss change him that much? Were his recent revelations making him weaker?. stronger?. or just more aware? He remembered a Chinese proverb: ?Kissing is like salt water. You drink, and your thirst increases.? It was true. The same could be said for caring.

The odors in the helicopter were varied and contrasting. The nearest group of men, mechanics working on a project in Japan, no doubt had little time or inclination to deal with personal hygiene. A slender and shapely Intelligence operative was chain smoking cigarettes. The seats in the aircraft were new replacements, carrying the smell of fresh upholstery. Occasionally he caught a faint whiff of the cologne he had worn that night.

He tried to remember the fresh smell of Kaname?s hair. If it had been possible, he would have stood forever breathing in that scent. The memory was fleeting, taunting him. He had less difficulty remembering the taste of her lips. He recalled the flavor her tears had when he kissed her eyes, surprised by his own tenderness.

For a moment, he bounced around in his seat as the helicopter passed through a bit of rough air. His body was not jostled nearly as much as his thoughts had been over the past few hours. The atmospheric disturbance was soon far behind them. His emotions were still churning.

Sousuke was flying into the unknown. True, he had no idea what the upcoming mission was, but that was not the great puzzle he wrestled with. For the first time in his life, he questioned what he was doing. As a child on the run, his goal was survival. Simple. In the camps of the mujahadeed, he lived for revenge. His purpose seemed clear. After joining Mithril, he embraced the cause of justice, determined to keep evil men from hurting others the way he himself had been hurt.

Kaname had changed that---slowly at first, and then in a great rush this very evening. He had no idea that a sweet kiss, a longing embrace, and a woman?s tears could be more powerful than any weapon he had ever used. It made no sense, logically. There must be some rational explanation. If so, it was beyond his grasp.

Sousuke found himself examining his profession. A question slithered up to him like a great serpent with an apple in its mouth. Wouldn?t he like to be a full time student? Might it be wonderful to set aside weapons and take up school books in a permanent arrangement? The apple looked so tempting. Sousuke?s jaws ached, having been clenched so tightly. What had gotten into him? He was the same soldier he was one week ago? two months ago? years ago.

For the better part of an hour, he sat still with his eyes closed, breathing in deep slow measured breaths, his mind purposefully blank. When he thought he must have righted his emotional keel, he opened up his eyes and mind again.

His thoughts went immediately back to the kiss.

The awakening passion had kept the two of them in each other?s arms for no more than three minutes, but he had spent many minutes more than that reliving the moment. It filled him with a warmth he had never felt before. It gave him hope. For some reason, he couldn?t wait to see Kaname again. He wanted her to be wearing the same clothes. He wanted her to smile the same smile. He wanted the lights to be down low again. He wanted everything to be the same.

He wanted another kiss.

Would any woman or girl suffice? Sousuke ran his eyes over the face and body of the Intel operative. She was very attractive. He blushed when she caught his glance and smiled. Quickly, he stared out into darkness again. The woman seemed amused by his look, possibly even flattered. What if she had been interested?

It didn?t matter to him. A kiss with her would just be the meeting of lips, nothing more.

Even as clueless as he was, Sousuke had more than an inkling of someone who definitely showed some interest in him. Captain Testarossa. He remembered her wanting to give him mouth to mouth resuscitation while he lay groggy by the school pool. The thought of his hand accidentally curling around her breast as she slept next to him caused him to sweat. The sight of her shadowy form staring at him under his bed made him uneasy even then.

Yes. Unless he was mistaken, Captain Testarossa probably would like to kiss him. She was not unattractive. Indeed, she had the capacity to make him sweat for numerous reasons. But, he had no desire to kiss her in return. It did not help that she was his superior.

She was not Kaname.

?We?ll be arriving in fifteen to twenty minutes, folks. Da Danaan has given up the green light to approach and land.? The voice coming over the intercom helped Sousuke bring his thoughts under control.

He was a soldier. There was a mission brewing. It would do him no good to sit there thinking about the feel of his hand on Kaname?s hair, or the sound of her breathing in his ear. Those things would not aid him in his preparations. He had no room for distractions. The difference between life and death, success and failure, would depend on a keen mind and a steady grip.

?Pardon me Sergeant, but may I shake your hand?? An engineer was standing in the aisle near Sousuke?s seat.

?We all know who you are, and we just want to offer our thanks. When someone like you kicks the enemy?s ass, we feel like we helped play a role too.? Sousuke shook the offered hand, befuddled. He rarely had a chance to hear how the rank and file of Mithril felt about the men and women who went into combat.

?There?s no secret that something? big?s comin? up. If you?re goin? in, we want ya to know we?re rootin? for ya big time!? A mechanic offered his hand as well. Sousuke murmured his thanks and shook that hand as well.

When both men had returned to join their buddies, Sousuke sat quietly, hand rubbing his head. Yawning a bit, he thought about what those men had felt compelled to say. He had always expected that someone he rescued would feel gratitude towards their savior. It came as a surprise that the support personnel would think highly of him as well.

Did they envy his chance to see action, to feel the heady mix of anxiety and determination, or the fleeting sense of triumph? Or, were they like the fullbacks on a soccer squad, feeling admiration for their striker, happy to be able to win together as a team? Could it be something else altogether?

He did play a key role. There was no doubt about that. Missions would succeed or fail depending on the men and women who fought...... and he was good at what he did. Any number of bad situations had gotten better thanks to his contributions...... there was no denying it: he was a star, not an understudy or a hack. That was reason to be proud, but Sousuke was not one to dwell on pride. He realized all too well that he was saddled with a great responsibility.

In a world constantly in danger, did he have any right to be thinking about kisses? Would some little girl covered in her mother?s blood, wandering lost in a rice paddy, understand why he would rather be holding Kaname than stopping the rampaging killers? Would a man and his wife, clinging to one another as they slowly suffocated from toxic gas, forgive him for choosing his own dream over theirs?

Sousuke felt as if her were at war with himself.

?Yeh. That guy back there is Death himself, if I hear right. Natural born fighting machine. I?m sure as Hell glad he?s on our side.? The words filtered back to Sousuke from the front of the passenger compartment.

?You betcha. Kill?em all and let God sort?em out!?

?Hell yeh!?

Sousuke throat tightened. Were those men talking about him? They must be. There was no one else on board this flight who would remotely warrant such a description.

Is that what people thought of him?

A killing machine, but nothing more?

Certainly, Kurz had joked about his prowess in the past. He had said that Sousuke would give the Grim Reaper a run for his money. Melissa had quipped that Death himself better feel uneasy if Sousuke got him in his sights.

Their words had been a sort of praise for a comrade, not a condemnation. Likely, the words he had just heard were meant as more of the same. Nonetheless, the young soldier was blindsided by an errant thought: was he more suited for bringing death than he was for saving life?

Surely his actions did both! The number of people who lived as a result of his actions far outnumbered the tally of those who fell at his hands. But, the actual result of his actions was death and destruction---everything else came secondary to that.

Could that be why he ran into so much trouble protecting Kaname at school? His destructive tendencies kept looking for an opening while he creative tendencies floundered helplessly? Or was it simply because he was operating in an environment that was totally alien to him? Maybe he just needed time to adjust!

It wasn?t a meaningless debate.

Sousuke Sagara, fifth rider of the Apocalypse, would not be someone Kaname Chidori would need in her life. That fact shone forth like a blazing light, no matter how much Sousuke might wish otherwise. On the other hand, Sousuke Sagara, caterpillar in the chrysalis, might be someone suitable for her. Who knows what he might become, now that he had opportunity to do and feel things he never had reason to consider before.

Which was he?

How could he hope to find out?

Was it right for him to dream about Kaname before he was certain?

How could he have possibly known that a kiss would have this effect? But it wasn?t just the kiss... it was Kaname? and the feelings that had built up inside of him without his knowledge? without his permission!!!

An image of Lt. Cmdr. Kalinin formed in his mind. He remembered something his commander had told him, about his assignment to Jindai High School. It would be an opportunity to experience things he had been denied in the past. It would be a chance to see the other side of the coin.... and to face the other side of the sword. Those words had been little more than a curiosity, then.

Sousuke sighed.

This was hard!

Wondering about life was so much more complicated than preparing for death.

Feelings could be a burden, not just fuel or a spur. His anger had pushed him to levels in combat that most men would never reach. His fear had honed his physical and mental reflexes to razor sharpness. His sadness had pulled Death?s sting, keeping him from valuing life fully and dreading the alternative.

Now, he found himself wondering about happiness, and whether it might be attainable for a young fighter with his singular past. It was far too early for him to even contemplate the meaning or existence of love.

He was a teenager, suddenly faced with a multitude of questions and issues all at once---he never had the luxury of facing them one at time, gradually.

Why did his head suddenly feel as if it might explode?

Without knowing precisely why, his thoughts turned to Captain Testarossa. He began to have an understanding of what she must be faced with. No doubt she had many of the feelings Kaname and other girls had, perched on the edge of adulthood. Most girls would have opportunity to interact with their peers, boys and girls, dealing with whatever came as a result.

Tessa didn?t have that opportunity.

Her reaction towards him began to maker sense. It was something to think about. Why was she willing to make such a sacrifice? If he were called upon to do the same, would he do so willing? Was that indeed inevitable? If so, was it wise to pursue his knew and confusing feelings for Kaname?

He thought about the kiss.

The helicopter began descending rapidly. Sousuke buckled his harness. Looking out his window, he saw a set of lights suddenly go on. The TDD-1. He was almost there.

On others occasions, this view had filled him with a sense of home and safety. Now, he wasn?t certain exactly what he was feeling. True, there was a sense of excitement. He would see Kurz and Melissa again. But, there was something new? an aura of foreboding? a taste of claustrophobia.

He pictured a trained falcon, and the hoods that it wore. It was an irrational thought, one which served no good purpose. He must banish such things. He was a soldier. It was time to go to work.

The sounds of claxons filled his ears moments before the helicopter set down with a heavy thump. He gathered up his belongs and tried to stow away his thoughts. Looking out the window as the blades began to slow down, he saw Kurz and Melissa waiting. The former could barely confine his glee. The latter looked somewhat subdued.

Why did that worry him?

There was also an aide holding up a large blue paddle, a signal that someone had an important message. There was a large ?7? attached to it. The message was for him. No doubt someone required his presence. His best guess would be Lt. Cmdr. Kalinin or Captain Testarossa.

When the stairway was lowered, he shouldered his bag and walked down the ramp. The moment his foot touhed the steel deck of the submarine, he felt self-conscious. It had taken considerable effort to leave Kaname. He hadn?t thought about changing out of his civilian clothes.

?Sgt. Sagara.? The aide met Sousuke as he stepped out of the way of the helicopter crew. ?I have a message for you.?

?Thank you.?

?You are to see Lt. Cmdr. Kalinin as soon as possible. After that, you will wait in the medical area for Captain Testarossa.?

?Yes.?

Sousuke?s thoughts rushed in, each looking for attention. Did the Lt. Cmdr. Want to go over mission parameters, or might he wish to discuss Sousuke?s behavior on the radio? Why the medical area? Had his routine examination and blood work from before turn up something worrisome? Did his recent actions cause someone to decide that he needed physical or psychological assessment?

Those thoughts would have to wait. Kurz pushed his way rudely through the milling crowd of personnel, his eagerness almost a palpable thing. The twinkle in his eye and the lopsided smile on his face made little sense given the huge shiner surrounding one eye and the pronounced limp.

Melissa followed closely behind him. Without knowing why, everyone near her quickly stepped out of her path. It was almost as if the air around her was charged with electricity.

?Sousuke, old chum. It?s good to have you back.? Kurz slapped the younger soldier on the back. ?But, as I understand it, you probably won?t be so happy!? Kurz smiled. He was bleeding from one area of his gums.

?Uh...?

?I?m sorry, Sousuke. It was unintentional. He....? Melissa?s words came out in a rush, then stopped as she shook her head.. That was uncharacteristic of her. Why did she look so put out? What had Kurz done this time? Why was she apologizing to him?

An idea occurred to him. He began to sweat.

?Let?s save the ?how? and the ?why? for later, why don?t we? I?m much more interested in the ?what.?? Kurz looked directly into Sousuke?s eyes, ready to read any reaction his squad mate might have.

?I understand that our little boy might be on the verge of becoming a man.?

A number of people around Kurz began to chuckle knowingly. Obviously, whatever Kurz was implying was not a secret limited to him and the Sgt. Major.

?Kurz! Sousuke is supposed to go see Kalinin. He doesn?t need this right now. I?ll risk putting you in the infirmary if you don?t leave him alone.? Melissa took a step back, lining up the angle for a good punt.

?It?s OK, Sis. He?s a big boy now. And from what I hear, he doesn?t want to be alone. Well, maybe just him and a certain foxy young lad?? in a Love Hotel. Oh yeh!!!?

?SHUT UP, Weber!? Melissa?s anger grew when she saw the surrounding people break out in grins and start whispering. Kurz backed out of her range. Or so he had thought.

?You should have seen how fast Melissa ran Sousuke, wanting to bring me the good news about our clueless companion. The only time I?ve seen her run that fast was when she wanted me so much that?.oooopppphhhh!?

A boot caught Kurz firm in the abdomen. Still, when he straightened up, he was smiling.

Sousuke looked shocked. Not by the discovery of his secret. That hadn?t sunken in completely yet. Had Melissa broken his confidence?

?That?s NOT how it happened, Sousuke. The son of a bitch tapped the com line. If I decide to tell Tessa or the old man about that, punching bag here may end up doing some time in the brig.

Kurz? smile fell away and hit the floor with a crash. ?Babe, you wouldn?t?.? His voice was pleading.

?You?re right, asshole. With you, the operative phrase is ?I wouldn?t.? But I WOULD turn you in, if you don?t tone it down. Might teach you a lesson. Finally!

Kurz? look was frantic. First of all, there were preparations well under way that might end up getting him skinned. His gaze went to large areas of the hangar walls, covered with huge white tarps. Second, Melissa had turned to one of the nearby mechanics and asked ?Can I borrow that wrench for a minute??

Kurz took off running. Melissa handed the wrench back. Turning to Sousuke she said ?I?m really sorry, Sousuke. About Kurz finding out, and about your being called back in. Those clothes. I take it you saw Kaname tonight??

Sousuke was not surprised by Melissa?s keen eye or her deductive abilities. He wondered just how much she could see by watching him.

?Yes.?

?I thought as much. Did it hurt a lot to leave her?? Melissa was being a friend, not his squad leader.

Sousuke nodded his head mutely.

?First kiss?? She looked as if she already knew the answer.

?Affirmative.?

?I?m glad. She?s a nice girl. And as I?ve been trying to tell you, there?s something special about a young Arm Slave pilot we both know. Right?? Melissa nudged Sousuke in the gut with her elbow. For a brief moment, he felt as if she were the sister he never had a chance to see grow up.

Sousuke didn?t answer. Melissa looked somewhat cross.

?Right, Sergeant??

?Yes, Sergeant Major.? Sousuke knew the correct answer to give, he just didn?t know if he believed it.

?Will it all be a problem on this mission, Sergeant?? Melissa?s voice and tact changed abruptly. She was back to being his superior.

?I? don?t think so? but?I?m not certain.?

Melissa was no stranger to mixed emotions before a battle. She had no trouble remembering some of the Hells she had put herself through in the past. It was risky business, emotions---for the one with them, and the ones who fought by his or her side.

She was obviously concerned about his mental and emotional condition. It was an appropriate concern in someone responsible for the safety of others. Sometimes the chain is indeed no stronger than the weakest link.

It didn?t sound as if she was personally concerned that Sousuke was getting closer than he should to the girl he was assigned to protect. Other members of the organization might take a more critical view, however. That was something to consider later, or as the need arose.

?You better become certain!? Melissa saw the difficulty in that necessity, but it was the only thing she could say. ?It better NOT be a problem. We don?t have the luxury to wait for you to grow up? is that understood??

?Affirmative!!!? Sousuke stood at full attention. His heart was pounding. All of his previous thoughts were descending on him again, like hawks coming down after conies.

?Good. Then get your sorry ass over to the old man?s cabin. He can?t be too happy, being kept waiting this long. You missed the preliminary briefing. See me when you?re done. I?ll go over anything he fails to mention.? Melissa turned to go.

?I cannot,? Sousuke said with some hesitation. ?I have been given orders to report to the infirmary after that. I am to meet with Captain Testarossa.?

The look in Melissa?s eyes when she turned around was unnerving. There had been a brief hint of fear, followed by uncharacteristic uneasiness. ?I didn?t think they?.? She stopped, closing her mouth in a tight line. ?Why are you still standing here? Jump, soldier!?

Sousuke jogged out of the hangar, heading for Lt. Cmdr. Kalinin?s office.

Why had Melissa been worried?

There was something she didn?t want to speak about.

What?

[Eienvine]

Ooh, the plot thickens. I hope they're not thinking of pulling Sousuke away from Kaname because he's getting too attached! Oh, that would be depressing . . . anyway, this story is great! Keep it coming!