Christmas Cake (part eight)

[dd]

Kaname had run out of the classroom.

Such a deplorable show of weakness.

What did her classmates think?

What would her teacher end up doing?

Sousuke.

That big idiot! Moron!! Jerk!!!

Why didn?t he just keep the card tucked away? He could have talked to her about it later. No, he was probably being considerate. No doubt he realized that she would be worried, not knowing what had happened to it.

?But he didn?t have to say ?Yes.? I don?t care if he was answering the teacher. It caught me off guard. It got my hopes up.?

And, when he began speaking, she was so certain that he was talking about her? the card? everything.

?Whose fault is that, Kaname? Really?.?

She sighed, deep and long. Putting down the towel, she looked in the locker room mirror. She was still there. The girl who had thrown off her clothes, turned on the shower, then put her head against the wall as she cried.

?What would he have said??

Her heart skipped a beat. The blood rushed to her face. She wrung her hands together. She would probably never know now. Not after the show that she put on.

She saw Sousuke?s face in her mind.

It had the same calm but clueless expression.

Would he have said ?Yes? or ?Affirmative? to the request? She looked to her reflection, hoping it could tell her. Would he have said ?No? or ?Negative? instead? She looked down at the floor, embarrassed to see her neat and clean clothes strewn here and there.

Kaname was even more embarrassed by what she had said. Embarrassed and plagued by guilt.

?Sousuke,?.. I hate you?.?

Sometimes she wondered if she did. Without even a moment?s notice, a perfect day could be blown asunder. Meticulous plans could be rendered useless. Hopes, dreams, aspirations could all be brushed into the gutter.

But, she had to admit to herself that she fed off the excitement and uncertainty?. sometimes. SOMETIMES!!! ?Sometimes? is not enough, not for that kind of disruption in her life.

Right?

Hadn?t she been trying so hard to throw out all manners and means of disruption, just as she had tossed out a lot of junk from her earlier life? Uprooted. Moved overseas. Acting out, and being written up by the police and analyzed by countless counselors. Her mother?s sickness, slow decline, and death. The torment she suffered through in Junior High.

There was nothing wrong with wanting peace and stability, was there?

Kaname took the towel over to the laundry bin and dropped it in. She brushed off her clothes and began to get dressed.

Sousuke?s face was still there, in the back of her mind.

?Stop looking, you pervert!?

She caught herself. He wasn?t really there and she was still berating him. The young soldier with the scar on his face had really gotten under her skin, hadn?t he? Who could blame her? Everybody else would have broken down by now, shipped off to some asylum.

Kaname realized something for a moment. She wasn?t weak. She was remarkably strong. It took a lot of personal strength to deal with Sousuke?s antics day in day out, and then come back to school fresh the next day, as if nothing had happened. It had taken a lot of strength to build up what she had now in High School, given everything she had faced before.

She did seem to have one weakness, though.

Sousuke.

Ironic. Almost painfully so.

She had spent a lot of time thinking about him. And cursing him. And crying about him.

?And you wanted him looking at you just now?.? The Shoulder Devil made a brief appearance, floating in mid air, grunting under the weight of a full body cast.

?Yes?.? Kaname answered. ?NO!? She struck out quickly, trying to punch the imaginary figure. She hit a locker, hard. It hurt!

That card.

What had she done?

What was she going to do?

?Maybe you should walk in someone else?s shoes for a while.? The Shoulder Angel popped into view. She saw the shallow dent in the locker. ?Tsk tsk.? She disappeared.

Kaname suddenly felt despicable. Tears threatened to come to her eyes, if there were any left to cry. She thought about what it must be like to be Sousuke. What it must have been like to suffer what he had, and to be faced with the things he took for granted. She had moved about some, but he was always on the move. She had made herself a home of sorts, even though her father and sister were far away. Sousuke had no family left. A submarine was his home. A submarine and any trench, foxhole, stake out, or hideaway he found himself in.

?Sousuke.?

She wondered just what went on inside him. It was so hard to judge. He was so hard to figure out. She wondered if she liked him because he was kind and dependable?. because he was a challenge to understand? or because he was so different than everyone else. Did he even have emotions like normal boys and girls. Were they hidden away, held captive by his rigid military discipline and duty? Or, was he numb, unfeeling, and dead inside?

If he had feelings, she may have hurt him back there. But, there would be hope. There would be something for her to work on. He must be pretty strong too, taking what he did from her again and again, always coming back to protect her. Would he even want anything to do with a girl like that, assuming he had any attraction to girls at all?

?He said I was beautiful.? Kaname reminded herself. ?I saw the look on his face when he said I keep surprising him.?

Kaname began working on her hair.

What if Sousuke didn?t have any feelings, or would never be able to get in touch with them? It would mean that she hadn?t hurt him unfairly. Somehow, that might make her feel a little better. But, would he be someone worth caring about, then? Was that the kind of boy she should be thinking about, when others had made their interest in her known? There were only so many days left in her teenage life. Before she knew it, she would be in college, and then in a job.

These special days would not last forever.

Another question raised its hand. The brush caught painfully in her hair when her arm stiffened. Did she look at Sousuke to see who he was, or hoping to see the things that she wanted him to be? Was she intent on discovering what made him tick, or on changing him to fit her needs?

She scowled, looking at her reflection, the hair brush just dangling there. That was as undignified look as she had seen lately.

?Moron.?

Kaname hadn?t been talking about Sousuke that time.

She saw an image of Sousuke on a leash. ?Up boy, up! Show everybody your gun. Good boy!?

Kaname couldn?t help but smile. He actually DID deserve something like that, once in a while. But she knew that hadn?t been the point. What exactly did she want? Did she want to be the girl who tamed the wild otaku? Would it be an ego thing, being the only girl in school with a Sousuke?

Every girl probably wanted someone to protect her. What girl wouldn?t want someone to rush to her aid, shielding her with his body, lifting her up when she had fallen? What girl wouldn?t want to be the center of some boy?s attention, 24/7?

But, those girls would hope the boy would do that because he wanted to, not because he was ordered to. Would Sousuke want to, even if it wasn?t his obligation.

?Obligation.? How she had come to despise that word.

Involuntarily, something Melissa once said came to mind. She had been speaking about Kurz, but it was the truth that mattered. ?You can?t polish a turd.?

?Ugh!? Who would even want to try. She shook the image out of her mind.

?Way to go girl! Great romantic thought!? The Shoulder Devil appeared, pulling at the hair brush. ?Be sure to tell Sousuke what you think of him?.?

?Shut up!? Kaname groused.

?Gotcha.? The impish figure blew her a kiss, did a swan dive, and disappeared down the sink drain.

The saying was vulgar, but it certainly spoke a powerful truth.

?Works both ways, sweetie.? The Shoulder Angel materialized holding a large ugly brown cup. She tied her hair back, put on a pair of gloves, and took out a large bottle of silver polish. Her elbows were a blur as she went at the the cup with a rough cloth. When she was finished, she smiled triumphantly. Holding up a gleaming silver chalice, she pointed to the words engraved on its side: ?Don?t know until you try.? She disappeared.

?Why do things have to be so hard??

Did she really want to put her heart out on her sleeve? lay everything she was out on the line? make a considerable effort and use up precious time?. only to realize that Sousuke WAS a something undesirable? All of his actions and good intentions would be meaningless then. All of the horrors, trials, and tribulations from the past would become magnified in her mind.

There were plenty of warning signs that spoke of that possibility. Images bubbled up within her head, tickling her memory.

But what if Sousuke were that someone special, the boy who could complete her, the Yin to her Yang? Could she live with the possibility that he was everything she ever wanted and she let him get away without even trying? What if he was merely covered with an understandable layer of tarnish. If that were the case, and she came to that realization after she had burned all of their bridges, the special times they had shared together would always speak to her of lost opportunities.

?Don?t know until you try.?

Yes. She had taken risks before. It was how she became a class representative. It was why she was Student Council Vice President and captain of the girl?s softball team. It was the reason for her amazing turnaround after Junior High.

There was only so much that thinking, wondering, and worrying could accomplish. Besides, she had already thought things through a number of times. It was her who bought the card, after all. Bought it? wrote it? perfumed it? then sealed it. No one else carried it to school for her. Right?

?Why don?t you try a little test? There are a bunch of boys hot on your trail. Think about them a bit. The steamier the better. Maybe you?ll forget about Fido then.? The Shoulder Devil licked her finger, touched herself, and smiled at the steam coming off.

Kaname blushed, But, she followed the suggestion. Satoru Shirai. No. The boy she went to the amusement park with. Close, but no cigar. Tsubaki Issei. Cute and sweet, but no. Guys in the soccer and track clubs. Get real! A college student living in her apartment building. Forget about it.

She spun the hair brush in her hand as she thought. It didn?t take long.

Some were too safe. Others were too boring. Or too annoying.

None were Sousuke.

?Guess that answers that.? She checked her watch. No more time for deliberations. It was time to head off for the next class. She still had time to speak to her teacher and offer an apology. Hopefully he would understand.

Walking through the hallway, she came across Kyouko.

?Kaaaa-naaaa-maaaaay.? Kyouko looked relieved to see her. ?I was so worried about you. We looked all over.?

?I?m feeling better now, Ky. I embarrassed myself in front of the entire class. It took a while to shake that off.? Kaname did not feel like going any further than that, not even with her best friend.

?You missed what Sousuke did!? Kyouko?s words sent an icy dagger into Kaname?s heart.

What did he do? Rip up the card? Say something about her behind her back? Blow something up? Leave the school? Forever?

?W-What did he d-do?? Kaname flinched, knowing how she must have sounded.

?He?s never done something quite like that before. You should have seen it!? Kyouko held up her camera. Kaname COULD see it.

?WHAT?? Kaname frowned. Now she was yelling.

Kyouko smiled. She realized that she had a fish on the line.

?Never mind. I shouldn?t have brought it up. You probably wouldn?t care.? Kyouko grinned. ?Besides, it?s all over the school by now. I?m certain you?ll hear someone talking about it.?

?He was marvelous,? Ren said, walking up behind Kyouko. Kyouko pouted. Ren smiled.

?Well?? Kaname was clenching her fists.

Ren continued smiling. She winked at Kyouko.

?Ren! Kyouko! You?.? Kaname got herself under control. She tossed off a trademark ?Hmmppff? and began to walk off. Someone would tell her. Someone better!

?Do you want to tell her, Kyouko?? Ren spoke in a considerate tone.

?OK.? Kyouko smiled. She intended to stay quiet a bit longer, until she saw the look on Kaname?s face. Seeing Ryo, Maya, and Mizuki heading in their direction, she did pause until they arrived.

?Mr. Ichigaki asked for whatever card Sousuke was holding. He threatened Sousuke with detention. Sousuke was so brave. He said ?No. I will not.? He told the teacher ?Your request has been denied.? When Mr. Ichigaki told him it was an order and not a request, Sousuke didn?t bat an eye.

?If you do not give me the card, you will be staying after school for detention, young man!? Ryo did a perfect imitation of the angry teacher.

?It is not a problem.? Maya had everyone smiling with her Sousuke voice.

?And then he just sat back in the chair and closed his eyes.? Mizuki looked doe-eyed. ?Mr. Ichigaki gave him one week?s detention for his disrespectful behavior. He sent Sousuke to the Principal?s office.?

Sousuke had done that for her? After she said what she did?

Kaname felt ashamed.

Still, she couldn't help but smile a quick small smile.

?So what WAS in that card, Kaname?? Kyouko had her camera ready. Ren put her hand over the lens. She shook her head. Kyouko nodded.

?It?s personal.? The tone of Kaname?s voice took all of her friends by surprise. It was straight forward, with no hint of denial. There was no sign of her trademark laughter. They were at a loss to know what to say or do.

?I have two people to apologize to.?

Kaname had to force herself not to sprint. Suddenly, it felt as if time was running out for some reason. Why had she waited so long? No. Breath deep. Relax. She had nothing to regret. She would have waited for the end of class in any case.

After bowing and saying ?I am so sorry? to Mr. Ichigaki, Kaname pushed her way through the crowd, heading for her next class. Walking into the room expectantly, her eyes went immediately to Sousuke?s seat.

He wasn?t there.

The whispers and giggles started almost immediately, but she paid them no heed. Where was Sousuke? Was he still in the Principal?s office? No one stayed that long, unless they were about to be expelled. No way! Not that! He had only refused a teacher?s order about something that way personal and none of the teacher?s business. Unless Sousuke did something that the girls hadn?t mentioned.

Like a gun, knife, or grenade.

Maybe he was upset and went home. Would he have done that? Leaving without giving her word? Well, she had been rather upset. He might have decided that it was better for him to just go. Didn?t he plan to come back and do his detention, though? If he skipped that, he really might be looking at serious trouble.

It wasn?t his style. Sousuke never ran away from punishment. And he wasn?t a quitter.

Unless he wasn?t planning on coming back at all. Could this have been the final straw? He was an Arm Slave pilot first, after all. That, and an experienced combat soldier. School was an alien landscape for him. He might have decided to go back to what he knew best? where he felt most comfortable? with people who would treat him appropriately.

Treat him appropriately.

Unlike Kaname.

?Sousuke?.. I hate you?? He certainly hadn?t deserved that.

Kaname kept her eyes glued to the clock. The second hand became the center of her world. There were only a few minutes left. She whispered to herself. ?Come on, Sousuke. Time is running out. You?re coming, aren?t you. I?m sorrrrrrrrry?.?

She needed an answer. She turned to the nearest girl.

?Do you know if Sousuke ever came back from the Principal?s office??

The girl never had a chance to reply. Atsunobu answered instead.

?I was up in the office checking on next week?s meeting.? He put down his book, straightened his glasses, and glanced at Kaname. ?Sousuke came out from his talk with the Principal while I was there. I heard him ask for permission to leave school early. I didn?t catch any particulars. He did mention that he had a long distance call to make.?

?I see. Thank you.?

A long distance call? She knew who that would be. Mithril. Lt. Cmdr, Kalinin, probably. Maybe Kurz or Melissa. It could even be HER. It had better NOT be. That would be the story of Kaname?s life. Finding someone she wanted to get to know better, then driving him away and into the arms of a pint-sized scheming manipulative clumsy desperate stick of a girl!!!

?Why don?t you say how you REALLY feel about her?? The Shoulder Devil held a Tessa voodoo doll. She was hammering railroad spikes into it. A shepherd?s hook came out of nowhere? wrapped around the devil?s neck?. then yanked it into oblivion.

Kaname began to worry in earnest. She could image Sousuke going away on a mission instead of staying around someone who made nice to him one moment, then slapped him down the next. At least he knew what to expect from the enemy.

What if he got killed, going on a mission he would not have normally gone on. Then it would be HER fault?.

Her pencil snapped.

She had been pushing too hard. Yes. Not just with the pencil. That card had been a bold move. Maybe too bold. Sousuke had no way to know what her intentions were. He might have jumped to the wrong conclusion. Had she scared him away? If so, did that mean he wasn?t worth her attention in the first place?

No.

In any case, that wasn?t the point.

Was he OK?

Kaname found it hard to concentrate during the rest of that class. Things didn?t become any easier after that. She phoned Sousuke?s apartment, but nobody answered. It was wrong to fear the worst. He might have felt the need to go for a walk. He could have needed to do some work at one of the safe houses. Who could say for sure?

After school let out, she hung around doing her homework. Her chair turned, she gave herself a view of the main hallway. If Sousuke came in through the front door, she would see him. She finished her assignments. There was no sign of him.

Another call to his apartment.

Still no answer.

Putting her book bag in her locker, Kaname decided to walk about the school. She would check the sitting detention rooms. Then she would look in every other room if necessary. Sousuke had tremendous energy and endurance. His punishment?s were usually physical. The janitor loved having an extra hand.

Peaking into a number of rooms, she drew curious looks from the teachers and rude gestures from the students. No sign of a moody military maniac. Room after room. Corridor after corridor. Logic didn?t matter---she turned on lights everywhere she went, even though it made no sense to think that Sousuke would be doing anything in the dark.

Her steps became quicker between each set of rooms. Her heart beat faster with each empty space. She worried more and more.

?If you left for good, I?ll never speak to you again!? She stopped, wondering where her head was. Did she just say that? Sheesh.

Building after building. Wing after wing. The search continued. Wait, down that hallway, the last room? light coming through the door. The light went off. The room next door lit up. She didn?t see or hear anyone move between rooms.

Step by step. She moved as quietly as possible. The sounds of desks moving could be heard. There was also a repetitive noise, hard to make out.

A few steps more.

The sound was louder.

Sweeping.

The noise sounded like sweeping.

Finally reaching the door, Kaname reached into her purse. She took out her compact. Using the mirror, she got a look into the room.

It WAS Sousuke. She was so relieved. Opening her mouth, she was about to yell ?Sousuke-e-e-e-e-e? and run into the room. No. She wanted to watch him a while first. Maybe she could get some idea of what he was feeling. Besides, when Sousuke was armed, it was never a good idea to surprise him.

?Hate?.? he said. He ran a hand through his hair, sighing.

Kaname tensed up inside. Was he thinking about someone he hated? Her? Or was he repeating what she had said.

He shook his head and straightened his back, then got back to sweeping. He looked somewhat forlorn. That was not a look she usually associated with the taciturn young soldier. Why did it take something as drastic as all this to see his human side?

?Hate is not a problem.?

The tone in his voice spoke otherwise. Kaname began to feel remorseful. Sousuke didn?t deserve to go through this. She admitted to herself that she was entirely at fault. He hadn?t done anything wrong. It wasn?t fair to keep punishing him a little here and a little there for each big problem he did cause.

?It appears that I am the problem.?

Kaname froze. Tears came to her eyes. She had felt that way about herself once, back when so many things seemed to be going wrong. She could find no other explanation at the time.

She watched Sousuke bend over with a dustpan.

?Nice ass, huh?? Kaname didn?t even have to look. Not at Sousuke. She did indeed know how he looked. And not at the Shoulder Devil. She knew who it was.

?Want me to get him to turn around? There?s something else you sneak a peek at now and then.?

Kaname cursed under her breath. When she looked up, the Shoulder Angel was there. The look she gave her clearly said ?Well, aren?t you going to say anything?? The shrug she got from the angel in return said ?No. She has a good point.?

Sousuke picked up a colorful magazine. He leafed threw a number of pages and stopped to scan some of the articles and exposes. He closed the magazine?.walked over to the garbage can?. looked at the cover again? then dropped the publication into the receptacle.

Kaname would have given anything to hear his thoughts.

Shrugging his shoulders, the young operative walked back over to his broom. He took out his Glock and looked at it. Why?

He wasn?t thinking about shooting himself was he?

Should she run in?

Could she make it in time?

Might he shoot her too?

No!

No. It wasn?t that. He probably just wanted to see something familiar? something he could depend on.

Sousuke kicked a desk as hard as he could. It flew up against one wall, knocking a number of items off of a bulletin board before tumbling over the teacher?s desk and shaking a line of erasers off the bottom of the blackboard. He picked up a chair and was about to throw it out a window.

The anger frightened Kaname. It was so unexpected. So primal. It had almost been like something she saw on one of the nature channels. He must be very hurt. Did the invitation mean that much to him? Had he been looking forward to that night? Her pulse rate went up.

Was he feeling betrayed, because of all he had done for her? Might he wonder why the Hell he was even at Jindai High School, doing his best for someone who sometimes treated him like he was the worst? She lowered her eyes.

?No. It is better this way.?

He was trying to convince himself of something that wasn?t true. Kaname had been THERE before, too. He really must have wanted to spend time with her. That thought warmed her at first. Soon though, she felt guilty. Guilty for what she had said, and guilty for secretly watching his pain.

Sousuke walked over and retrieved the desk. He put it back in place. There was nothing he could do about the huge dent underneath. He picked up his broom, tested its weight again, then spun it a couple of times before using it as it was intended.

Kaname smiled.

Even without witnesses, Sousuke was still an otaku. Everything was a weapon. Geez!

?Kaname.?

The blue-haired girl froze again. She wished she had a rewind button. She just KNEW that he must be able to hear the drum-like beat of her heart. She could have no doubt about her own feelings, either. She did want to spend some quiet time alone with Sousuke, in a place that had nothing to do with Mithril, Jindai, Whispered, school, etc.

She had wanted him to have emotions. Even strong ones. No matter what they were.

?Keep going.? It was the Shoulder Angel this time.

?Well, it IS for your own good, isn?t it??

Kaname nodded. She wanted him to have strong emotions about her. Good emotions.

?Want me to name them?? The angel smiled before winking out.

Kaname sighed.

After wiping the sweat off of his brow with his shirt tail, Sousuke took out the card to look at it. He held the paper up to his nose and inhaled slowly, his eyes closed. Kaname?s heart almost burst. She would have melted into a puddle if he had kissed the paper or said something romantic.

Walking over to Kaname?s desk, he left it inside.

?What are you doing, Sousuke? Big idiot. Jerk. Stupid head. Don?t go all noble on me now.? Kaname managed to keep her words inaudible. Barely. ?Fight for me. I?m worth it, aren?t I? Moron!?

Still, she was moved. Sousuke had walked over with such grace, such dignity? even a hint of strength. For that moment, he was more of a hero to her than he had ever been in the past. She was glad she hadn?t announced her presence, if only for that opportunity.

?Sure, Kaname. He?s nothing more than a military machine. No feelings whatsoever. He never thinks about you or your feelings.? Kaname didn?t feel much like a hero at that moment. Not at all.

Sousuke took a piece of paper out of his own desk. Finding no pen there, he borrowed one from a nearby piece of school furniture. He spent some time writing something, then wrapped the note around Kaname?s card.

?WHAT DID HE WRITE?? Kaname?s thoughts rang out like a large church bell, with her as the clanger. She hated suspense. She had to know.

Sousuke took out his pistol, put it on a desk top, and spun it. It stopped, barrel pointing towards him.

"I win."

What? Kaname deflated. Just what was he talking about?

Not suicide.

That had just been a foolish thought before, hadn?t it? Just because she was once faced with that choice didn?t mean that Sousuke would be too.

No. He?s lost in thought, but he doesn?t look depressed.

The whole scene actually reminded Kaname more of Spin The Bottle.

What?

He?s blushing!!!

?Uh?.?

?Sousuke Sagara, what are you thinking about?? Kaname?s heart rate went back up again. ?WHO are you thinking about??

The Shoulder Devil flew down in a helicopter. A Mithril helicopter. Opening the door, she stepped down, wearing a captain?s uniform.

The veins at Kaname?s temples throbbed. The devil knew that discretion was the better part of valor. It vanished.

Kaname wasn't going to fall into THAT trap this time.

She knew.

Sousuke walked over to a window and opened it, taking a deep breath of the chill night air. He stared out at the moving lights on the street below. Kaname felt like a voyeur, but she couldn?t tear her self away, and she didn?t want to break the moment. She had done a lot of thinking. Sousuke must need to do the same thing too.

It felt nice, having something in common with him.

She watched as he walked over to her desk and reached for the card again. He stopped and pulled back his hand. He shook his head. Kaname could feel the tension. She could see the conflict in him, noting how his body seemed at war with itself. It was exhilarating?. instructive?. painful.

?I am too different. But is different always wrong?? His voice wavered a tiny bit.

?No.? Kaname couldn?t wait any longer. She had asked herself that question many times. Sousuke needed to know he had done nothing wrong. She wanted to tell him he was OK just the way he was.

Swallowing hard, she walked into the room.

[Eienvine]

Eek! Now what? Oh, gosh, dd- I am absolutely in love with this story. You need to update soon! I'm all anxious now, to see what's going to happen. Please update. Soon. Great story!

[Perfect Soldier]

Our boy, dd, here, always is updating, constantly. Please don't ever stop, you're a machine, a machine who writes nothing but amazing fics. Keep it up!!!

Zero