Forever Blue

[Rose of Betrayal]

A/N: First of all, thanks to san for beta-ing! I don?t know what I?d do without you! ;_; Deathfic ahead, songfic based on the song Forever Blue by Swing Out Sister. There's also a prayer from the Christians, taken from my Tessera. It should be correct...a priest gave the Tessera to me...
- DJ

Forever Blue
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The wind was tapping cold fingertips against my spine as I huddled against the rain, staring resolutely down at the freshly overturned grave. My mind was in turmoil, echoing thoughts in harmony with the occasional streak of lightning followed by the distant rumble on thunder in the darkened sky. The clouds flashed like a firefly blinking in a storm, wearied and distant to the outside world, oblivious to anything except the pounding rain.

I hunched into my oversized black coat and turned my face up to the relentless wind and rain that howled at me to listen to their wailing cries, a cacophony mixed by witched and demons alike. I listened, obediently, the feeling in the pit of my stomach curling, withdrawing, emptying itself into my abdomen with a tremor that shook my inner core to the bone, rattling my nerves. The winds? songs bayed in my ears in an inexorable wail of sadness that made my bones ache in pain.

They were all so terribly familiar.

?I?ll destroy you.?

There was the time when he threatened to do so, point a gun at my head and pull the trigger. Ironic, isn?t it, that he says he loves me when he wanted to kill me in the first place? Sometimes, you just ended up loving the one person that annoyed you the most?speaking for both of us.

?I love you.?

So many times had he said those three words, which the wind blew around me, tossing it carelessly around as if they didn?t care it was tearing me apart as easily as something worn and old would fall at the seams. I knew he wouldn?t love again?not when he was dead.

?Why didn?t you tell me you made an appointment with him? I have to search him first??

I smiled bitterly. He had been so protective of me, that first meeting with the senior, practically ancient, secretary of the ESUN. Granted, it was his attitude that had earned him his death?and I had given both that attitude and that death.

A flash of lightning illuminated the gravestone, its undeniable words carved into the solid mineral. I stared at it, unseeing, as memories flashed through my mind, my heart pounding at each thought and trying to grasp at it as it slipped away. There was one of Heero, his wide Prussian blue eyes heavily filled with affection for me every time I turned and looked at him in the mornings. His mussed hair only added to that rugged charm that he was completely unaware of. He loved to camp out in the bed, regardless of the fact that I always tossed and turned while he was a light sleeper.

A tear greeted that memory before it flashed away.

He was shaving, the hints of his mustache showing through the shaving cream. He nicked himself once with the razor when little Camelai jumped to latch on his legs. He had bore that scar throughout the years, refusing to treat it. He said it would be a lasting reminder not to shave with the bathroom door open.

How much had his sense of humor grown.

And little Camelai. Dear little Camelai Peacecraft Yuy.

My eyes flickered, wavering in the misty rain that clouded the horizon. How happy had he seemed when I had told him I was pregnant. Such a thing was alien to him, to be a father and a parent, to give love and to care for one that was his flesh and blood. It was missing from him, the affection he readily wanted to give out, but couldn?t, because of the walls he had built himself, the pillar that expected him to do everything he was required to do: to be the Perfect Soldier. And perfect soldiers just couldn?t love.

He had been a soldier, an almost-perfect one. But then again, no one was perfect, and the beautiful flaw that I had found in him was simple: the small reserve of affection he held for his friends, almost full to exploding when held back for so long. He could love. And I wanted him to.

I had only managed to subdue a portion of his affection ? he was almost wild in bed, and I almost smiled at the thought of it ? but Camelai had conquered it by one simple gesture: pulling down his pants while he was talking to Duo Maxwell. Duo?s eyes had almost popped as he stared at Heero?s boxers ? clean, white, and meticulous ? and backed away. But Heero had simply scooped up Camelai, tugged up his pants, and proceeded to tickle her to death. And he had laughed while doing it.

Ah, how fiercely could a soldier love? The answer?love enough so that he wouldn?t mind his pants being pulled down in front of the most unrelenting joking bastard that ever lived, knowing that he would never live down the humiliation from the idiot.

I closed my eyes. He had made me what I was now. He had filled me with love and devotion that I had been afraid to release since my father had died. Now Heero had died. My fists clenched at my sides. Why? Why had he left me alone at my most vulnerable, when I was just beginning to heal from those wounds that my adopted father Darlian had caused me? He had understood, deeply, completely, an understanding that was too deep for words. So why?

?Nights don?t come any longer
Days seem to last forever?

Why had he left me alone to grieve, when he was my most precious symbol of strength, the one I had cherished for ten years? Why did he have to die protecting me, die at the age of 25? So young, the years still before him.

There was so many whys that I could just not answer. I just wanted to see his face again, hear his simple, deep-throated, yet rare laugh, the joy in his eyes when he bounced Camelai on his knee, and the love in those Prussian depths when he swung me around. I wanted to see his more stoic moods, so familiar to her, so disguisedly warm, and to feel the happiness in the thought that I knew what lay underneath that mask.

?Nothing you can do
Could bring him back to you, forever blue?

But it had been love, after all, that destroyed him. Love was the instinct that had taken over every fiery blood cell in his body when he knew that I was in danger. He had jumped in front of me; the bullet had lodged in his chest, damaging his aorta. He had bled to death?because of me. Because of my love?and his.

The pain exploded in every nerve ending of my body, raw, all of it, coursing through my blood vessels to lodge in my heart. It erupted in my brain in a splattering sensation that sickened me, and I wretched, bending over. But the vomit wouldn?t come?only the saliva dripped from my lips. I felt so empty, so afraid of the real world that I would soon have to face?without Heero. My heart wrenched in two directions. Should I forgive him for being such an idiot, or should I just love him because he loved me?

The tears that had refused to become present at the funeral clouded my eyes, mingling with the rain that dully thudded against my pale skin. I lowered my head, grieving for my bodyguard, my companion, my heart, and my husband. And for the perfect soldier I had known him to be.

I stretched my lips into a thin smile as my belly curled lower and lower. My eyes felt tremendously heavy, a weight burdened on my shoulders. Oh, God. He had been hurt. He had been hurt because of me, because of my own stupidity, the curse of affection on them. He had never been safe when he was with me. I was an idiot, plain and simple. I should never have accepted his marriage proposal. Never.

?Trying hard to force a smile behind your tears
Though you try those memories won?t disappear
Your heart?s still beating out of time?

Oh, dear God. I loved him. But hadn?t I understood, the self-obsessed person I had been, that it would only do him, us, harm? No, I had not. I had been concerned with myself only then, wanted only his fulfillment?and I had taken so much from him, gotten so much, more than I expected. And I had sopped it all up, the starving-for-true-affection politician that I was.

I thumped a fist to my chest, throwing a curse up at the sky. It rumbled soothingly back at me, caressing my cheek with damp wetness. I wanted to scream. But my voice would not come. I knew, somewhere, deep inside, that it was not my fault.

But it was.

All mine. I was to blame for this predicament. I had put both of us in danger. Selfishly so. How stupid.

?Memories don?t come stronger
Dreams lost and gone forever
Softly whispering won?t bring him back to you
Forever blue?

I wanted him to come back.

I dropped to my knees next to the grave, tugged a flower from the grass, uprooting it. I placed it on top of his grave, on the fresh dirt and stone that littered it. The mud was seeping through my black mourning dress, soaking my knees, and I longed to stumble up and run, run, to another place where no one could reach or comfort me.

It was not what I needed. Comfort was no longer essential.

?I promise, Heero,? I whispered, pressing the flower stem into the dirt, encasing it there, ?that I will never love again. Never.? And I heard Duo's chant, his fist clutching his cross at the funeral, echoing again like a dream as he prayed for his best friend.

?Thou O Lord, will open my lips??

The wind sighed into my ears. ?It?s what I said long ago. Don?t expect it to last.? The words wove itself into a single rich melody that sounded like Heero?s deep voice to my tortured ears. I refused to listen and remained kneeling, hearing only Duo's relentless chant.

??And my tongue shall announce thy praise??
??Incline unto my aid, oh God??

?Close your eyes but you still see, though love is blind
Though you try you just can?t leave the past behind
He?s still on your mind?

??Oh Lord, make haste to help me??

?I love you, Heero. I always will.?

?Mommy?? a voice broke into my reverie, and I jerked my head up. A five-year-old girl stood next to me, standing drenched in a small white dress, her head of unruly dark blonde hair protected by a hat. She had a small hand reached up to keep it from blowing off, pressing it down upon her head so that only the tips of her blue eyes, that flashed from dark tears to light smiles as easily as a butterfly?s wings dried and brightened, peered at her mother.

?Glory be to the Father, and to the Son, and to the Holy Spirit??

?Camelai,? I spoke in a hoarse voice, sounding racked by hidden sobs. I cleared my throat softly, not wanting to alarm my daughter. ?Camelai. Please go back to Uncle Duo. I need to be alone.?

?But, Mommy?? Camelai slipped her free hand into mine, a small thumb pressing into the crook of my hand. ?Uncle Duo sent me to get you. He said you?d catch a cold out here.? Her eyes were drawn to the grave, and then to the headstone. Her eyes intently scanned the words. Intelligent as she was, she immediately knew what happened. ?Daddy died, hasn?t he?? she asked, squeezing my hand.

I choked on my words. ?Yes, Cam. He?s not coming back. He?s fallen into a deep sleep.?

Camelai fixed me with a penetrating gaze that was so much identical to Heero?s. ?Won?t a kiss wake him up??

I managed a wan smile. ?Like Sleeping Beauty? No, dear. Daddy can?t wake up. He?s been put under a curse.?

?Well, then?? Camelai hesitated, and then tugged me up with surprising strength, ??I suppose we?ll just leave him to rest, won?t we, mommy??

?As it was in the beginning is now and ever shall be, world without end??

My thoughts raced as the whisper blew into my ear again, seemingly inaudible to the now impatient five-year-old that tugged at my wrist. I looked down at Camelai?s so innocently angled face. She had not yet learned the consequences of love. ?Go on. It?s what I would have wanted,? the voice encouraged me.

It was what Heero would have wanted for me to do.

And so much more.

I needed to move on.

?Nothing you could do
Could bring him back to you
You?ll be forever blue?

My eyes filled as I hugged my daughter. ?We?ll go now.? I turned back to take one last look at Heero?s grave. ?We?ll visit Daddy for some times just to see how he?s doing, ?K??

??K,? Camelai said solemnly.

Then she tugged me after her, in the direction of the far-off waving figure of Duo. The rain was drenching them quickly, the fog making it almost impossible to see. But I saw the dark shape of his grave again. ?Thank you,? I whispered. ?Thank you, Heero.?

I glanced down at Camelai?s softly blue eyes. Regardless of my vow, I would always keep in handy some store of affection for my daughter ? my gaze switched to Hilde, Trowa, and Duo at the top of the hill, yelling something about Dorothy wanting to get going ? and my friends. Just like Heero had.

?Forever blue??

He had taught me some lessons, after all.

?Amen.?

* * * * * * *

On the grave, the lily rolled over, gusted by a sudden breeze that warmed the hills, the last resting place of Heero Yuy. The lily rested at the bottom of his grave, gracing it with its simple appearance, before it was blown away. Blown into the wild blue yonder that matched his eyes so much.

End
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Thanks for reading! ^-^

[Wild Cyan]

Wow. I'm read many fics where Heero dies, but this one was absolutely gorgeous. SoOoO well written...it was sad, but I liked how Heero got the chance to feel love and joy, and have a daughter.

Aww...I luvved the pull-down-his-pants thing...that was cuuute! "Won't a kiss wake him up?" The dialogue in that scene was precious. I also liked how Heero seemed to still be there, even though his body has died. It's nice to think that he'll always still watch over Lena and Camelai.

props to ya, girl! I'd continue to sing your praises, but I have no idea how to describe how much I liked it.

~Cyan

[Eienvine]

That was really beautiful. It was very well written, and I liked the use of both the song and the prayer. And even though it was really sad, it didn't leave you depressed- it ended with some hope. Great job.

[pilot03]

Dang. I'm am truely impressed. You wrote a very well written story. I liked how you included the song and prayer so seemlessly. You know what this means. You must write more now. Chop chop. *glomp*

[bookworm]

I like it. Very touching. *dreamy * Heero is so kewl in this one.

[Pure]

wow! it was SO touching. im sorry heero's dead but the way you wrote it, it sounded so good. i've never read deathfics that much but if they're all like this then maybe i should.