~♥~
?KAGOME!?
She blinks, her bloodshot eyes slowly focusing on Youkai?s worried face. For one dreamlike moment, she reaches out ? then remembers that Youkai?s eyes were warm brown, not gold. For the first time in several years, Youkai dies again. I?d finally managed to forget...
?Kagome?? Inuyasha?s own hand twitches, torn between respecting her space and offering her...forget it, what kind of comfort can I give her? ?What is it??
?It?s nothing,? she mutters, her voice sticking and breaking in strange ways.
?I didn?t know you had a dog, Kagome! He must be pretty big now! Can we...?
?Do you EVER shut up, brat? Can?t you see she?s upset??
?Oh. Sorry, Kagome...I didn?t notice.?
?It?s alright, Shippo. I?m fine.?
?No you aren?t, Kagome-chan. What happened? What memories did that thing bring back?? Sango tries to embrace her, but Kagome ducks through her arms and heads for the door. She pauses in the doorway.
?Youkai died not long after that video was made. He...there...there was an accident, and he died. I was very young, and I had pretty much blotted the whole thing out. Remembering him made me...nostalgic, that?s all.? She turns, smiling brightly. ?I didn?t mean to be so gloomy. It?s not like it matters at this point ? he would have been a very old dog by now if he had lived. And it was a long time ago.?
Five worried humanoids and one confused cat study her sudden smile.
?Oh, come on, it?s my birthday! Let?s celebrate!?
As the others do their best to shake off their dour expressions, Inuyasha bites the inside of his lip, letting the iron taste of blood fill his mouth.
~♥~
The sound of her crying wakes him some time past the middle of the night. He never sleeps very deeply.
He pads out of the room he?s sharing with Miroku ? just as well, the bouzu?s dreaming again. ?Sango, Sango, Saaaaaangooo...? ugh. It?s enough to make me retch. Dream whatever the hell you want, just don?t subject me to it.He finds her curled against the tree ? his tree ? with her face hidden in the sleeves of her pajamas.
??Yo.?
?Go away.?
?It?s my damn tree, bitch.?
?Fine.? She gets up blindly and sways toward him.
?What do you think you?re doing, Kagome??
?Finding myself another tree. Now, if you?ll excuse me...?
He closes his eyes and sighs. Instead of stepping to the side and letting her pass, he grabs her arms and pulls her to his chest. She stiffens momentarily, but then goes limp, her eyes still half closed and unfocused.
"That isn?t what I meant, Kagome. What do you think you?re doing, wandering off unprotected in the middle of the night??
??Unprotected,? my butt. Like you?d ever let your precious shard detector out of your sight.?
She sounds so broken, somehow. I never thought I?d want Kagome to do her vicious harpy routine, but this is so very...wrong. What the hell am I supposed to say?His internal monologue hiccoughs suddenly as he feels her hands crawl up his chest to clutch the fabric of his clothes a few inches below his collarbone. She clings to him, resting her forehead on his shoulder as tears drip down her face. He wraps his arms around her, gently rubbing her back as he tries to think of something ? anything ? that will make her stop crying. Women are impossible.
She draws in a ragged breath, as though about to speak again. He stills himself, focusing every sense on Kagome.
?Why are dogs so goddamned stupid??
Oh-kay, women aren?t just impossible; they were designed with the sole purpose of driving men crazy. And she?s about to talk again...wonder what I did wrong this time...
?He died because of me, you know.?
Err...wait...who? Oh. ?You mean your dog??
?And I was so mean to him. Why?d he have to be so stupid??
?I?m not really following you, Kagome. Why don?t you start at the beginning??
She doesn?t reply, and he worries that he?s pushed her too far. Resolving to just shut up, he carries her up to his favorite branch of the tree. As he settles in with her body draped sideways, she finally starts speaking again, oblivious to any change in surroundings.
?They used to call me Dog Girl. Young girls can be horrid, you know. Anyone who tells you that little kids are sweet and cute and ?just so non-judgmental? has obviously never been a child. They?re the most judgmental of all. Their understanding of the world is confined to their own feelings and experiences. Anyone who thinks or acts differently from themselves is an outcast, a pariah, a ?weirdo.?? She pauses to control her breathing.
?In this net of allies and enemies, of conformity and abnormality, I made the tactical error of being unusual. The very first day of school, we were supposed to tell the class something about ourselves ? families, hobbies, best friends and the like ? so I told them about my best friend. His name was Youkai, and he had soft white ears. The teacher asked me about any human friends, but I didn?t have any. Growing up at the shrine meant that I didn?t have a lot of contact with other kids my age.? Another pause.
?But they ? the girls ? Yukari and Keiko ? they thought this was the funniest thing in the whole world. They called me Dog Girl. I said that already, didn?t I? My mother told me to try and stick it out, that they would tire of the game eventually if I didn?t give up. But it continued for weeks. They?d rub dirt in my hair and on my toys. The teacher would smile and say that they were ?just playing.?
?I finally got fed up with it all. Yukari threw my doll in the mud and told me to ?fetch.? I retrieved the doll ? it was my favorite, a princess with red hair ? but Yukari tried to grab it again, I hit her. I didn?t try to make a fist; I just hit her in the face with all the strength I had. My nails even drew blood. She screamed for the teacher, but I kept hitting her. By the time the teacher pulled me away, my arms were tired.
?They called my father and sent me home. He didn?t yell at me; he didn?t even talk about what had happened. He did yell at the teacher, though. I could hear it through the door. He was always so protective of me...and so kind. He brought Youkai with him. He thought that seeing my best friend would cheer me up. Instead, I was so angry ? still filled with such rage ? that I yelled at him. I yelled at Youkai. I blamed him for everything: for Yukari and Keiko, for my own blinding hatred, for the damage I?d inflicted on other people, for the blood I?d spilled. I...I told him I hated him. Oh God, I told him I hated him.? She falls apart again, sobbing in Inuyasha?s arms.
Inuyasha scrambles for something to say, but all he can see in his mind?s eye is the repeating image of a group of noblemen turning their backs on the ?hanyou.? ?You want to play, do you? Fetch, you stupid mongrel.? ?Oh, my poor son. If your father could see you now...?
?He knew you didn?t mean it,? he finally whispers. ?He knew you didn?t really hate him. Sure, your anger makes demons cower in fear,? he laughs feebly, ?but you?re never mad for very long.?
?He died.?
?What??
?That day, when Papa took me home early, there was...he...he died.?
?How, Kagome?? he prods cautiously.
?We were in a car ? you know, one of those big metal moving things. Another car crossed over the middle, coming right for us. It happened so quickly, Papa didn?t have time to move. I didn?t even see it ? I didn?t find out what happened until later. But Youkai did. He knew that something was wrong. He...he jumped into my lap. When the cars collided, the windshield shattered and metal bars bent and broke and crushed him. When they cut me out of the car, my leg was broken and there were small cuts on my face and scalp, but I was ok. Youkai was...he wouldn?t move, and there was so much blood...everywhere, so much blood...?
?It wasn?t your fault, Kagome,? he murmurs as he rocks her slowly. ?He succeeded in protecting you. That?s all that matters. His spirit is at peace, knowing that you survived.?
?But that?s so stupid. The last thing I ever said to him was, ?I hate you.? Why should he die for me? Why should he die and I live? He was always so faithful to me, and I turned on him.?
Sigh. ?That?s just the way dogs are. Total devotion to a single person comes easy to...them.?
?But I didn?t want him to die! He left me! What kind of devotion is that? He left me alone. I was ALONE!?
He stares down into her bloodshot eyes, wondering if he should ask ? knowing that he has to. ?Kagome? What happened to your father??
Her blotchy face goes white, and he?s suddenly reminded of Kikyo. ?He?s...gone. He went away,? she says without tone or emotion.
?That day??
She nods once.
?And you were alone.?
?Yes.?
He squeezes her, maybe a little too tightly, and rests his cheek against her head. ?I thought you once told me I wasn?t alone anymore. That sort of thing goes both ways, Kagome.? She blinks as some color returns to her face. He smiles into her hair as the scent of her fear lessons, and tries to keep his voice soft. ?You?ve got so many people who care about you ? Sango, the baba, the brat, the bouzu...the wolf, though I?ll fucking kill him if he breathes on you...?
She either laughs or chokes...it?s kind of hard to tell. ?For a second there, you had me wondering what had happened to Mr. Overprotective,? she snorts.
?It?s impossible to be overprotective with you. You?re a trouble-magnet. I close my eyes, and all of a sudden, ?INUYASHA! Pretty please, come save me from this icky monster! I swear, I didn?t mean to be so attractive to demons!? And then, when I kindly save your ass, ?OSUWARI!!! I could have done just fine without you. You?re obviously just looking after your gorgeous little shard detector. In fact, I?m so mad, I?m going to run off by myself and get into more trouble, so there!??
?I?ve never called myself a ?gorgeous little shard detector.??
?Keh. You?re changing the subject,? he grumbles.
?Is that why you hated Kikyo? Because she left you alone??
Shit, Kagome, you are really on a roll tonight. What is this, annual Bare My Soul Day? ?Yes.? Please, God, let that be enough for her.
She turns to look at him. No, Kagome, absolutely not! I refuse to say anything more about Kikyo. I don?t care if you do look beaten and miserable, it won?t work. Nuh uh. You think those big brown eyes are going to make me turn myself inside out, don?t you? Well, you?re wrong. I don?t have look you in the eyes ? so HAH. I can just look down your shirt. WHAT THE HELL?
?K...k...k...Kagome...I swear, I...I...? he stammers, squirming maniacally as his eyes dart to the sky, to the village, over his shoulders, and to the ground which is so painfully far below him.
?It?s still hard to talk about her, isn?t it,? she murmurs sadly, curling her head against his shoulder.
?Her?? Who? Where? Hot. Shit, she?s going to ?osuwari? me straight to Hell. Oh, right, Hell. ?You mean Kikyo??
?Yes,? she says slowly, ?I mean Kikyo, who left you alone. Are you feeling alright?? She tries to look at him again, but he ducks his head to pin her own to his shoulder. ?Yeah, I?m fine, I was just...? He coughs a few times, then sits up straight (as straight as he can with his head hooked around Kagome?s) and schools his face into a serious expression. ?My mother died, and I was alone. Kikyo was also alone. We were alone together. Then she tried to kill me, and I was alone. Again. More alone. Keh. Right. So. Then you woke me up, and now I?m not alone. Happy??
?Did you hate her because she betrayed you, or because she left you alone??
?What??
?She didn?t mean to leave you alone ? she expected you both to die. But you stopped hating her once you realized that, right? She shot you, she practically killed you, but you still love her.?
Sigh. ?You still don?t get it, do you. Damn humans use that word too much.?
Again, she tries to look him in the eyes; again, he keeps her head against his shoulder. He tightens his hold on her and cradles the back of her head with one hand, weaving his fingers through her hair. ?Inuyasha?...?
?There are many different things you call ?love.? That pup loved you, didn?t he??
?Yes...?
?And you loved him.?
?Very much,? she agrees.
?But you would never have mated with him, right??
?That?s DISGUSTING!?
He laughs, perhaps a little bitterly. ?Kikyo would have said the same thing about mating with me.?
?That doesn?t make sense,? Kagome says slowly ? Inuyasha is playing with her hair absently, and she?s having trouble staying awake ? ?Youkai was a dog. He was a completely different species. Demons may be a different species, too...I haven?t quite figured that out, yet...but they at least have humanoid forms. And you?re half human!?
?It wasn?t just that I wasn?t human. Kikyo was a miko; she had to remain ?pure.? She couldn?t love one person more than another. She almost did, but she ended up falling in love with a dream. Without the Shikon no Tama, she?d be free. That?s what she really wanted. I was her companion: her comfort. And she was my kindness: my humanity. I was, and remain, devoted to that image, just as Youkai was devoted to you.?
?And you?re going to die for her, just as Youkai died for me??
?I?m going to save her, just as he saved you.?
?There?s a difference??
?Keh. Maybe.?
He said, ?Maybe.? He wants to live? He?ll stay? ?You?d better stay,? she mumbles as she turns to nestle her head against the curve of his neck. ?I?d have to hate you if you left me all alone.?
?Hating me wouldn?t be that hard for you, Small-Hearted Bitch.?
Oooh, that does it. Can?t use ?Osuwari? up here ? he?ll drag me down with him and probably break my back. So, ?love? means many things, huh? Time to make him really squirm.
?I don?t know, Inuyasha, I think I?d have trouble hating you. I do love you, after all.? Oops, that was supposed to sound sarcastic...eheheh... He?ll never get it, right? Come on, Inuyasha, laugh at me or something. Move. Breathe? Oh my God, I?ve killed him.
He pulls her head back and stares into her eyes. She opens her mouth to say something ? ?Osuwari? comes to mind ? but then he smiles. Kagome? Who?s Kagome? Not me, that?s for sure. I?m a puddle of goo. Any second now, I?m going to slip through his arms and plummet to my death. Goodbye, world, it?s been super. I should probably close my mouth ? wouldn?t do to die with a fish face. He moves, and her brain shuts down for what she will later remember as ?an infinitely long second? until she realizes that he?s kissing her. That?s what this is, right? A kiss? His mouth is touching mine, so that qualifies...I think...oh drat, what am I supposed to do now?
In a flash of inspiration, she shuts her eyes. Unfortunately, she also pulls away. Once she figures out that they?re no longer ?kissing,? she summons the courage to squint at...a hangnail on her index finger. He looks surprised, then sad, then terrified. ?I didn?t mean to!? he whimpers, cringing and pulling his ears flat to his head.
?I?m sorry,? she whispers in return, not having internalized what he?s said. ?I know that was terrible.?
?I just...when you said that you l-loved me, I thought you meant...oh, Kagome, please don?t hate me!?
?Can I try again??
He blinks as he finally realizes that a) he still hasn?t been sat, b) Kagome doesn?t seem to be angry, and c) she?s slowly wrapping her arms around his neck. While it?s possible that she?s about to strangle him...
She tries to focus ? she?s trembling so much, she?s worried that she?ll miss. Somehow, though, her lips meet his, his hands start doing absolutely marvelous things to her back and hair, and the whole world is buzzing. Half of her is too emotionally drained to care about the increasing friction between their bodies, while the other half keeps yelling, WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!
Inuyasha, on the other hand, has cheerfully switched off his worry and stress, channeling all conscious thought into his favorite mantra: MINE ALL MINE ALL MINE ALL MINE... Which stops, of course, in the horrifying moment that he hears Sesshomaru?s voice in his head.
?Are you really going to mate with that pathetic human??
What the FUCK? Sesshomaru, you bastard, where the hell are you?
Sesshomaru?
Hello?
Oh, right, he?s not telepathic.
?Inuyasha? Is everything alright??
For a moment, he?s sorely tempted to carry on with the...err...complete, total, and thorough seduction of the woman he loves, desires, and adores. And whose pajama top has lost a few buttons. Oops. Well, what good is half a shirt? But she yawns against him as her fatigue finally wins, and his goddamned conscience takes over. Keh.
?I think there?s someone out there. Go to sleep; I don?t want the bouzu to get any ideas ?cause you look wiped out. Besides, we?re going shard hunting tomorrow.?
?Ok,? she murmurs uncharacteristically, kissing the side of his neck. Lalala, happysleepywarm. ?G?night, Inuyasha. Happy birthday.?
?Keh. It?s your birthday, stupid.?
?One...year,? she whispers as she falls asleep.
She remembered. He smiles.
?I love you too, Kagome.?
~♥~ The End ~♥~
YAAAAAAAAY!!!! My first mushy story! Ok, so I can?t write fluff. It doesn?t really work. Can?t write lime, either, so I try to scrape by with blunt reality. Ack. Please tell me if it?s terrible, ok? I can take it. Me strong like warrior! If anyone with talent in that department wants to write a good, romantic/limey offshoot, I wouldn?t be offended in the slightest. (Translation: If you want to labor for my benefit, I?m all for it. I?ll even write you a nice thank-you note!)
Sorry I ?ignored? all the earlier comments about this ficlet...I usually get an email when someone adds a comment, but that didn?t work this time for whatever reason. Hmm...must?ve done something bad
Anyway, thanks all! Hope this was an acceptable ending!Love,
TQ
~♥~
ps. I don't know whether Sesshomaru was actually there or not. Mystere et boule de gomme!
