Therapy or something like it (PG-13)

[Eppes]

Standard Disclaimers: Don't own any part of Gundam Wing. Yeah, ain't it a b!@^&~! I do own the rights to this fanfic though, so stop harassing me!
Warning: Language and suggestive humor. ^ v ^



Therapy or something like it by Eppes



It started out like any other fanfiction beginning. Seven attractive females of unknown race or origin waiting around in an nondescript room while the lead person just arrives. That's how Dr. Saki Watanabe saw it when she walked into the plain white room.

Dr. Watanabe introduced herself to the group as she sat behind a plain brown desk-but then aren't they all like that.

"Hello, I'm Dr. Watanabe. I'm sure you've heard the last name in every anime made since it's the Japanese equivalent to Smith." The Dr. smiled sweetly.

She pointed to each girl and had them introduce themselves.

"Relena Darlian-Peacecraft. I go by either last name. Just depends on the writers mood actually." The first girl said. She was a interesting woman. If she looked at you a certain way she was attractive, but at other angles she was plain. Dirty blonde hair is the best to describe her hair... Aw, hell!

The author is tired already writing this crap out. You know what these characters look like.

Relena's a dirty blond with blue eyes and a piercing stare. Hilde's a short brunette with a spiked bang. Noin is another brunette with a spiked bang, except hers is sort of purplish. Is purplish even a word? Cathy is a red head with freakish pupiless eyes. Dorothy's a pale blonde with wacky forked eyebrows like a...well, fork. Sally is a strawberry blonde with hair twisted like a curly fry...hmm, curly fries. Oh, and Une is an intimidating, yet attractive brown haired gal (without the Chun Li buns). As long as she stays away from glasses. Shudders!

Whew, done. Back to the fic. The girls introduced themselves and I save five minutes on typing. Yeah, me!

"What can I help you ladies with?" The good doctor asked.

The tall, skinny assed blonde stood up. "We're sick of hateful fanfics about our characters. They are just blowing our reputations out of proportion and corrupting the minds of new GW fans just learning about us. It's a conspiracy, I tell you!"

Dr. Watanabe looked down at her files and scanned through it. "You're Dorothy, right?"

Dorothy nodded before sitting back in her undescribed chair. Just say it was a nice comfortable chair.

"Well, your character is a war obsessed nutso with serious men issues and who gets her kicks from stabbing males with fencing foils. Am I right?" Dr. Watanabe questioned.

"Yeah, and your point is?" Dorothy asked, shrugging.

"My point is you're cracked! I've watched the series. First your panties got all wet for Heero, then Zechs and then you had this weird chemistry thing going on with Quatre. You've got problems sister. I want you to come see me four times a week. Immediately. And for God's sake, stay away from the Winner boy. That pairing just makes me ill." Dr. Watanabe replied.

"And mow those eyebrows while you're at it, psycho. " Cathy mumbled to herself. She was dressed in her circus costume because it was the only outfit she owned that didn't have the words Good and Will on it.

"I know you're not talking to me, Cathy. You were useless to the plot in the series. Hell, you had the sickest romantic relationship in the whole bunch." Dorothy snapped.

"I did not. And I wasn't useless." Cathy cried, starting to get all teary eyed.

"Please, Relena's butler had more screen time. You were too busy drooling over your 'friend' and adopted brother, Trowa. Adopted brother my tight and toned ass. You were ready to flip up that ugly dress for a piece. Not that I blame you. But thanks to you, thousands of Gundam Wing fans are whacking off to your twisted brother/sister relationship. Disgusting!" Dorothy smirked.

Dr. Watanabe had to jump up and separate the two women when Cathy pulled out her trademark throwing knifes. C'mon, you knew she would...the doctor ordered them to their mutual corners.

"Enough, ladies. How about you? What's your beef?" The doctor asked Hilde.

"Anime fans either love me or hate me. It's not fair. I didn't do anything wrong. I'm almost as hated as Relena and Dorothy, and that says something." Hilde grouched, slouching in her chair.

"Hey!" Dorothy and Relena yelled in unison.

"Well, to be honest Hilde. I did like your character, but you sort of just dropped off the face of the earth in the series. You helped Duo, did your duty and disappeared. It's not your fault you were a kind of boring, hyperactive, flat chested version of Noin." Dr. Watanabe replied.

"What? Flat chested?" Hilde exclaimed. "I'm not flat!"

"Peygan had bigger tits." Dorothy whispered to Relena.

Dr. Watanabe walked over to the devastated girl and patted her head while the others giggled to themselves.

"Hilde, you're a bore. Accept it and move on. You should be grateful. You're the only chick in the bunch besides Noin that actually ended up living with one of the pilots. At least your getting action." Dr. Watanabe replied.

Hilde brightened up at that." Yeah, I am." She licked her tongue out at the Dorothy.

"You?" The doctor pointed to Noin.

"I'm just here to watch over Relena. I have no problems. I got my man in the end." Noin grinned.

"Yeah, but only after following him around like a stalker. 'Zechs, of Zechs.' Every freaking episode you were in all you did was moan about that pansy assed pretty boy. You were almost as pathetic as Relena." Une snapped. Even though she and Noin were friends, she still hated Zechs. She almost wished she wasn't on medication. She'd loved to grab a pair of scissors and-

"Lady Une's right. You were a doormat. I've never seen a girl shit on like that since Relena." Dr. Watanabe said.

"Hey! Why is everyone picking on me?!" Relena snapped. She glared at the doctor with her most piercing stare. The good doctor shuddered and moved on.
"Like you're one to talk about anything. Does the name Trieze ring a bell?" Noin questioned, glaring at her friend.

Une's left eye gave a twitch, but she remained quiet. The doctor noted the silence and moved on. That woman was the scariest of the group and since she was packing heat, Dr. Watanabe wisely kept her trap shut.

"Sally, I'll move on to you. What brings you here?" The doctor asked the tall reddish blond woman.

"Pedophilia, if you ask me." Dorothy mumbled quite loudly, not even trying to hide her statement.

"You little bi-" Sally began, jumping out of her seat and strolling toward the snarky blond.

Dorothy smirked that bitchy smile she was well renowned for. "Come on people, you know damn well she's jonesing over Chang. They got that whole moody asian thing going on. And those gigantic foreheads! You could take over Tokyo with those babies. And she's always paired with him in fanfics. Well, unless it's yaoi. Though, with his views on women, you have to wonder about ol' Wufei. Maybe he likes the other white meat."

"Wufei is not gay!" Sally screamed at the laughing blond.

"Gave him a little test drive have you? Told you doc. She likes 'em young." Dorothy mocked.

"Enough Ms. Catalona or Catalonia, or whichever the hell your name is spelled in the fanfics! I've changed my mind. I want you in my office 7 days a week!"

Dr. Watanabe scolded. Dorothy humped to herself and ignored the doctor.

Dr. Watanabe rolled her eyes and sighed. When these nutcases left she'd drink herself into a stupor. "Finally, Relena. Your problem is the most wrote over. You have an extremely passionate obsession for Heero Yuy. You stalk him constantly and he constantly threatens your life. Doesn't that seem weird to you?"

"No, not at all." Relena replied innocently.

The doctor lifted her left brow. "Dear, he's threatened to shoot you."

"True. But he's also not shot me." Relena said.

"Can't beat that logic." Dorothy snorted. She was hushed up by the other ladies in the room.

"Sure, it's strange, but I know Heero loves me. Hell, anyone with eyes (yaoi fans not included) can see we love each other. Whose name does Heero always call out? Mine. It's always Relena."

Author concedes that's very true. Creepy, but true. People go back and rewatch those tapes now!

Relena continued. "He's always saving my life. Always worrying over me and not because of peace. Heck, we almost kissed in the series. And he stalks me also. Don't deny it! In the Endless Waltz movie he chases after me and rescues me. I could go on and on. Heero and I are destined."

"So what you're saying is, the both of you are twisted, compulsive, obsessive freaks that fell in love?" Dr. Watanabe asked.

"Yes! You finally get it. Heero and I are both wack jobs. Our mental disorders make for a disturbing, yet sweet love story. That's why we work." Relena sighed happily.

"Works for me." Dr. Watanabe shrugs. She orders the entire cast into therapy and kicks them all out. Once the ladies leave, she locks her door and enjoys the nice company of Haegen and Daas.
















The End. And this from an actual fan! I'm just as disturbed as these characters. Thank you. ^_^

[Kelly_Pure]

Cute. and I agree the entire cast of characters need therapy. But besides their nuttiness, that's why we like them. Although you did a great Dorothy. Had her down in a science, I think.

[Wingnut]

I like it! Espically where

"Like you're one to talk about anything. Does the name Trieze ring a bell?" Noin questioned, glaring at her friend.

Une's left eye gave a twitch, but she remained quiet. The doctor noted the silence and moved on. That woman was the scariest of the group and since she was packing heat, Dr. Watanabe wisely kept her trap shut.

happened. That was so like noin and une. Particulary at the begining of the series.
Or coures an older character slapping a younger is nothing new in the world od Gundam... as any fan of the UC stories will tell you. (Brightslap!) Sorry, inside joke.

[gethmane8]

I need therspy after reading this--and I mean that in a good way. Crazy story and very enjoyable and funny. Especially mouthy Dorothy.

[Rose of Betrayal]

Cute fic! But 'Lena is not a freak! But I do agree that Dorothy is the most-whacked out person with forked eyebrows (besides Treize, I mean) in the series. Treize isn't half as bad.
I totally agree with everything except that Relena is a stalker. I just don't like to think of her that way.

[bookworm]

When I read about Relena's part, I couldn't help it. It sounded so rational in a weird sort of way. But this fic was fun to read. Nice!

[paxbanana]

"So what you're saying is, the both of you are twisted, compulsive, obsessive freaks that fell in love?" Dr. Watanabe asked.

"Yes! You finally get it. Heero and I are both wack jobs. Our mental disorders make for a disturbing, yet sweet love story. That's why we work." Relena sighed happily.

[Snigger] I've always though Relena and Heero were both twisted enough to be a good couple. You got that right on the money! Hilarious fic!

[Elyn Yuy]

Now do a part with the guys!!!

This is a stitch! I agree with the Hilde and Dorthy motifs...
and Sally's and Une's...

YOu'd put anyone in the loony bin!

Don't put me in!!! I was joking!



Elyn Yuy

[Andrea]

"Sally, I'll move on to you. What brings you here?" The doctor asked the tall reddish blond woman.

"Pedophilia, if you ask me." Dorothy mumbled quite loudly, not even trying to hide her statement.

"You little bi-" Sally began, jumping out of her seat and strolling toward the snarky blond.

This was truly hilarious. I loved this part. Hahaha..!! This was too good. Written from a unique perspective. It's AU, but then again, not really. I loved it. Truly well done.