Vignette 3, 4, 5/?

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AngelOfDeath
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Vignette 3, 4, 5/?

Post by AngelOfDeath »

I am such a silly goose! Posting all this on ff.net and forgetting to put it up here to show my beautiful BI peeps.

The whole premise is just to do short stories, (less than 5,000 words is the limit I gave myself) to express various aspects of Heero and Relena's relationship.

Tell me if I succeed at all. :-P I'm just trying to improve technique and maybe try some new things.

Disclaimer: I don't own Gundam Wing. Obviously. Writing fanfiction is fun though!

_______________________________________

3

(((I wanted to try something a little darker. We?ll see if I succeed. I simply am the worst at being too serious.)))

* * * ****

The ball was filed with people, and Heero Yuy could name every one of them. He had to be able to because any unknown quantity could pose a risk to the woman this was all being held for. As Relena made the rounds to various cliques of dignitaries, she seemed distinctly at home. It was the world she had grown up in, so it came as no surprise to Heero that she functioned so well. He was never really sure if these events were pleasant respites from an unforgiving job, or simply another extension of the front Relena put up in what seemed a continuous effort to maintain balance in the political world. This was the Relena he knew best, who he understood, and incidentally this was the Relena he liked least.

Sometimes, when she was giving a speech, he would see her in his mind?s eye and then he would see himself ? shooting her again and again until her white dress suit was dyed red, already dead and yet he would continue to shoot. He told himself what he didn?t like was the job, but in some ways she was the job now.

At the same time, he knew that what he looked at was not the woman he obsessed over, but a social construction made for the convenience of a world starving for leadership. Sometimes he couldn?t separate the two aspects, and in his confusion other emotions would leak through. He had hoped that in time they would fade, just like the memories he barely recalled about past weeks or years, but instead they got more intense.

He would watch her smile to a young diplomat, and suddenly he would find he had punched a wall until his knuckles opened. Calmly, as he bandaged his hand, he would remind himself that it wasn?t his Relena that smiled for that man, but the other one. Somehow that?s how the delineation of her character played out in his mind: his, or not his. There was nothing that ever brought him the thrill of joy at possession than that woman. It was only right that she was his. Hers was the first name on his lips as he woke from every dreamless sleep, and she had moved mountains to keep herself close to him. Wasn?t that enough acknowledgment of his claim?

The other gundam pilots knew of his obsession and for a while they worried about it. After a time their worry seemed to fade along with his feelings, but really he just got better at hiding it. Barton, slightly closer to understanding Heero?s thought process than the others, never lost his caution. Sometimes he even offered to take over the position of personal bodyguard in place of Heero in what had become a signal to Heero that Barton remembered. For his part, Heero respected the other pilot?s canniness but no one would take his job over their dead body.

Never his dead body. Theirs.

In his mind, abandoning Relena to the protection of someone else was the same as condemning her to death. The only person who had a right to kill her was him, and it was a right he would guard jealously. In the first year or two as her bodyguard he used to ask himself if he would kill her if she wavered in her ideals. Would that render what had passed between them void? And then he tried to imagine himself pulling the trigger. It was easy enough to picture. The only problem was that as soon as he saw himself kill her, he always left one bullet in the gun for himself as well. It was the way it had to be. Her existence was intrinsically tied to his. So long as she was out there he could keep going.

That was when he knew that even if she decided that total war was the real path to peace, he would follow her. He would just as quickly take up a gun and kill in her name as others would for God or country. In some ways she was both to him. Wherever she was, so was he, and he practically revered her. The perfect way she acted, spoke, dressed, talked ? all added up to something that was distinctly Relena and it drew others to her just as it drew him. People still sometimes bowed to her when they saw her, or asked her to give them her blessings as if she were some holy figure. Of course he wouldn?t let them near her, but she always looked bothered by their requests.

She had never asked for the job, there simply had been no one else suitable to take up the mantle.

Heero watched Relena take a seat out on the deck and he went to watch her from the shadows outside to be closer to her. She pulled pin after pin out of her hair, letting it fall down over her shoulders, and regarded the fog outside in a contemplative manner. At once Heero felt distanced from her, and more aware of his jealous desire to take her away and lock her in a tower away from anyone else. Right now she was his Relena. His. She was unreachable, as always, but all the more beautiful because of it.

?What time is it?? She asked it into the night, rubbing the bridge of her nose in an attempt to ease the pain in her head. That Heero was there was a foregone conclusion.

?1:18? A.M., she had been schmoozing for at least four hours.

?Tell Quatre to make my excuses. I?m turning in for the evening.? She rose, looking straight at him with tired eyes. As Heero melted out of the shadows and started back in, he saw Relena leaning over the balcony to snap a twig off of a bush a little ways below. True to his expectations, she overbalanced, but was saved from an embarrassed trip to the dry cleaners by his firm grip on her waist.

?Be more careful. I can?t be everywhere.? He wished he could. He delivered her message to Winner and returned to the balcony. With a hiss of indrawn breath he registered the presence of a young man holding Relena?s hand and saying something earnestly to her. She nodded, then shook her head, then withdrew her hand. Heero strained to hear what she said, even as he plotted the maiming of this opportunistic fool.

?I?m sorry, there is no room in my life for anything as decadent as a relationship. Now excuse me.? Her standard answer. With a glare that left the young man cringing, Heero strode onto the balcony and got their attention. Triumph again, as Relena rejected yet another advance, and even if it was conceited Heero thought it was because of him. The young man beat a hasty retreat.

Alone now, just the two of them. The way it should be.

She looked out into the fog, shivering as it slowly turned into a mist of drizzling rain. Fiddling with the twig still clutched in her left hand, now denuded of bark from earlier ministrations to it, Relena leaned against the railing facing away from Heero and shivered. Considering how many people were still so close to them, being just past the curtains and indoors, it was a deceptively private moment. After a little while standing in the rain, Heero considered encouraging Relena to go to bed as she had planned. This couldn?t be good for her health in that thin dress. The snap of the twig made Heero start a bit, and Relena tossed it into the night. She turned to look at him, beaded by the water on her hair and clothes.

?Would you die for me?? Her eyes looked bright, even fevered.

?Yes.?

?Would you kill for me??

?Yes.?

She already knew this, and yet the questions came again. With no other gauge for his feelings, this would have to do for an expression of his devotion. Why did she ask him this, time and again, when she knew the answers? This is part of what made his Relena so enigmatic, as the why was always left open to his interpretation.

At once her expression mellowed and a tired smile edged at the corners of her mouth. In a surprisingly gallant gesture, Heero offered his arm to escort Relena back in. It was surprising because of the unconscious signal he knew it would send to force Relena back into her political face. He didn?t do it for her, but in his own defense against the person she was now. There was no exact protocol for stolen moments like these with her, and he didn?t trust himself not to ruin everything.

What that nebulous ?everything? contained he chose not to examine. He felt he got a little closer to understanding with each passing month, but it was still far enough away not to give him too much discomfort.

Relena placed her cold damp hand on his arm. Before they reentered the ballroom, she briefly leaned her head against his shoulder before straightening her posture once more and affixing her neutral conversational expression for the gauntlet of people she would undoubtedly face.

The way they were was enough. . . for now.
_______________________________________________

4

(((Hm. New attempt. New style. I never write in first person, we?ll see how it goes for a first try.)))

*******
I?m trying to keep myself awake, but this paperwork is infinitely less interesting than checking my pockets for lint. No one expects me to understand most of the legal jargon in it anyway, since all they want from me is a signature and a smile. I do my best anyway, because that?s all anyone can do after all, and I?ve picked up some tricks over the last few years. Not that it makes up for a college education or formal training, but I?ve done the best I can with tutors and no one has mentioned any problems yet. Then again, I?ve got enough people around me and working with me that any mistake I make is quickly smoothed over by someone else. It?s like I gained a dozen parents for the few I?ve lost.

Then again, sometimes it feels like the memory of being a child was erased almost as soon as it had time to form. We all felt like that during the war, so old and so young at the same time. Really, now that I look back on it, we were much younger than we thought we were, for all the responsibilities we took on. We were all posture and bluff back by some advanced weaponry and a little political influence. The right place at the right time, that?s where our skill was, and the ability to exploit it. If I hadn?t made my speech correctly, I could be dead from Heero?s bullet right now. Then I wouldn?t be sitting here with all this paperwork in front of me.

I have to keep reminding myself that that?s a bad thing. I?m where I am right now because of success, and living is not exactly intolerable. There is peace, there is relative stability, and I can even start looking towards having some semblance of a life.

Or I would, if a certain stubborn, antisocial, semi-suicidal, security officer didn?t balk me at every turn. I decide to go out, and he tells me he needs at least a day?s notice to secure a location. I tell him I?m going for a drive, and suddenly my lone excursion becomes a mass exodus of security vans. There is no privacy, no way to be spontaneous or creative. It?s like he?s trying to break my spirit. I know that that cannot be his goal, but that?s the effect he?s getting.

*snap*

Oh damn, my pen just ran off the side of the paper. Somehow I don?t think I can pass off this great big line down the page as a copier error. This means redoing forms. What a terrible phrase. I wish I didn?t have to ask my assistant to do something that proves just how careless I?ve been recently. This has to stop.

*crack*

I don?t think there are enough swear words to encapsulate how much that hurt. Who would have thought pressing down on the stupid button would be enough to break a nail? Seriously, this had got to be some sort of cosmic revenge.

?Yes, Miss Darlian??

?Could you get me a second copy of page 25 of the new treaty revision??

?Of course, Miss Darlian.?

?Oh yes, and can you request Mr. Yuy to come to my office as soon as it?s convenient??

?It could take him quite some time, Miss Darlian.?

?That?s fine, it isn?t urgent.?

?I?ll get right on it.?

What my wonderful, efficient assistant does not grasp is that as soon as Heero gets the message he will most likely drop whatever he?s doing to come see me. As hard as he is to actually manipulate, I have learned a few little tricks over time. If only that concern were a little more personalized, then I think maybe I wouldn?t be so restless.

. . . Bah.

Though it isn?t like I absolutely need a person in my life like that. I wouldn?t have hardly any time to see them, I tend to forget most major holidays and birthdays, I?m pretty demanding in general. . . think positive Relena, you deserve something nice. Don?t try to talk yourself out of it, like you always rationalize yourself out of fun.

*knock knock*

I don?t have to tell him to come in he knows well enough to. . . ah there he is. Looking as angry as always. At least now I know it isn?t really anger, more an annoyance at existence. It doesn?t seem to live up to his exacting standards, it?s too messy. I wonder if he gets that mad at his hair. He never got it in any semblance of order either. Ha, his eyebrow just arched. He wants to know why I just chuckled, but I know he won?t ask. Fine, I won?t tell him.

?What did you need me for??

You. Me. Bed. Now.

I mean, erm, what did I need him for anyway?

?I wanted to speak to you about my lack of privacy these days.?

?I thought I explained to you that the requests you expect me to abide by are not acceptable. You put yourself in undue danger. We get at least two death threats a week towards you. I?m sure you?re aware that security has to be tight.? I wish for once he?d just try to look at it from my perspective.

?I understand your concerns, but I promise you Heero Yuy, if you don?t give me some time to myself I will run away and not even give you a clue to where I went.?

Mmm. He?s leaning so close. I know he?s trying to threaten me into relenting, but when he eyes me like that over the desk I just want to burst out laughing. I absolutely love provoking him like that. Maybe this is like a mini mental vacation for me. Gah. He should go a little easier on the cologne next time though, my nose is beginning to itch.

?I can?t let you do that Relena. Don?t make me take drastic action.?

?And what would that be? You can?t lock me in a room like a naughty child. I am an adult and deserve to be treated like one. The less you resemble a mother hen, the happier I?ll be.? Wow. That was a lot angrier than I meant to sound. When he issues ultimatums like that I just get to upset. Maybe I?m pretty predictable as well, but I won?t relent on this point. I will get a day off if it kills me.

?A mother hen?? Fine, it was a stupid analogy. He doesn?t have to give me that smirk.

?Yes. Cluck cluck, Henny Penny.? Now I sound like a grade schooler. How come thus happens when I?m left with him for too long. I have forms to get back to. Oh lord, he?s even closer now. I could just lean forward and press my lips to. . .

?Relena, I don?t think you understand how important you are.?

To me. Add ?to me? to that sentence and I will melt into a puddle right in front of you.

?It may surprise you to hear this, but I?m human you know. I need some space sometimes. Don?t you? Sometimes I wonder if you really are human.? When did you get to be such a bitch Relena? I mean, that was pretty harsh. You don?t actually think he?s inhuman. Somehow I don?t think the way he?s narrowing his eyes is a good thing.

?Not human??

I?m not going to say anything else. I?ll only do more damage to this situation than good. He?s the only diplomatic mission I always seem to fail.

Ouch. Oh god oh god oh god oh god. That hurts it hurts his hands hurt my wrist is going to break and then what will I do I can?t cope with this he?s too close I need to get away oh please god let me get out of this alive.

. . . .


?I?m just as human as you. And you aren?t going anywhere.?

. . . .

*steps*

*click*

What just happened there?

He just kissed me, didn?t he?

What am I supposed to do, think, say to him now? Is this some sort of declaration? I want it to be, but that doesn?t make it any more than what it was.

He?ll pay for this. For this indecision, for this torment. After years of waiting I?m not taking this attack without answering aggression. No, Heero Yuy, this is war.

And if I must say so, I think my weapons are superior.

At the same time, I?ll concede this battle as I suddenly don?t want to leave his presence. . . but the war will be mine.
_________________________________________________

5

(((Still working within Relena?s POV, I?ll keep the 1st person style for the moment. It doesn?t seem to suit me, but I need to try it. She wasn?t sounding like I wanted her to, for one thing, in the last one. Of course I also wrote that when drunk. . . hm. Gave me some inspiration.)))

*****

I had managed to ditch Heero for one glorious day of freedom from my responsibilities. Sometimes it was easy for me to forget that other people my age were just starting their first jobs out of college, or starting a family, or just making their way in the world in general when I had been leading it since before high school ended. That isn?t entirely correct, since I was and am more of a figurehead than anything. Governments are not run by one person alone, as dictatorships are not in fashion these days. Even a sweet voiced dictator, like I could have been, is not what the world needs now that we have relative stability. Maybe at one time my life was filled with jobs that were needful for the basic maintenance of the newly constructed status quo, but I feel more superfluous as of late.

Not dead wood, but not so very important as I once was. This is a very good thing for the world.

And depressing for me.

Not even the world seems to need me now. I looked around at what I?d constructed for other people with my life and I can?t help but wonder what was left for myself. I had family; I had friends, but somehow I still had this emptiness within me. It?s as if I didn?t have an identity. Maybe that?s too extreme, but I stand by the statement.

The restlessness over this issue was making me lose sleep. I decided that it would be a nice thing to do for myself to take a little break. I informed all the most important people of my intentions and they were all in favor for giving me some time off. That?s why I found myself in a sleepy little town next to vaguely icy coastal waters. I didn?t even know where I was. You don?t need to name a location to find yourself there. I trusted Millardo to make arrangements, and to respect my wish not to be followed by a veritable army of security. He agreed on the condition that I kept a phone and one security person with me at all times. I requested Trowa.

There were several reasons for my choice, the first being that he didn?t talk much and the second being that he was much easier to convince to leave me to my own devices. Trowa would give me the privacy I had long been seeking to sort some things out. Some of those things had to do with a certain Japanese ex-Gundam pilot.

Oh yes, when I said I informed all the most important people of my whereabouts I neglected to mention that one of them in fact was left out of the loop. He went by the name of Heero Yuy, and he was away on Preventor business in one of the colonies. I made everyone swear a solemn oath not to tell him where I was going. He would only bring complications with him by his presence alone. I didn?t need that kind of angst to cloud my thinking.

The morning I set off for these gray, rainy shores, I felt reasonably confident. I would take this week and pull myself together. I would try to remember what it was like to be Relena. Not even Relena Darlian or the even more idealized figure of Relena Peacecraft but just Relena. I could feel the way my heart sped up in anticipation. The time alone was giving me a heady sense of freedom. Even if nothing came of this mentally or spiritually, I was bound and determined to enjoy my holiday.

?We?ll be there soon.? Trowa had entered the cabin almost soundlessly to inform me, and retreated back into the cockpit with the same regard for my peace on this flight. I wondered if maybe my own crisis was childish and self absorbed compared to what he or Heero had to face, with their dehumanizing and programmed pasts. Even their names were fake. At least I could be reasonably sure of my very name, but then again ?Peacecraft? had been a surprise addition so late in life that I couldn?t recognize it as my own true name. Then again, truth is so relative, maybe too relative. It would be nice to have some concrete truths.

Wasn?t peace my concrete truth? The only thing I had always believed in and relied on to define myself? No, I refuse to think I had founded my personality on such a shaky foundation of my own stubbornness and the ideals of a father I never really knew.

Maybe I would have come to some sort of conclusion, but most likely I simply would have passed the time moping and crossing back and forth between self pity and self hate. When I wasn?t thinking of myself I was thinking of Heero. Perhaps that?s how he was called, like a foul incantation summoning a demon. He resembled a demon when he burst into the little local bar that night: wild, alarmed, and very very angry. Out of the corner of my eye I saw Trowa move to intercept, but I made eye contact with him and gave a small shake of my head. He faded into the shadows again.

Heero was standing behind me, I could feel the cold radiating off him, and as I looked down a puddle formed at his feet from the runoff of his raincoat. My beer had suddenly become intensely interesting, and I focus on it as if nothing else existed ? as if everyone else in the bar was not staring at us. All 11 of them. The bartender coughed and low conversation resumed, but Heero continued to stand there. Surprisingly, he was the first to speak.

?Why didn?t you tell me?? I felt defensive and childish, but I thought I had a good enough answer.

?I thought I would be back before you returned.?

?What if something happened to you?? He remained standing, as if asserting a superior moral position to go along with his aggressive physical one.

?Do you not trust Trowa?? My tone was icy. I didn?t need Heero?s permission for everything, and it wasn?t as if I had acted stupidly or hastily.

?Of course I realize he is capable.? He almost collapsed into the stool next to me. ?Damn it all Relena, do you have any idea how it felt to come back and find you missing with no one willing to explain where or why?? I smiled, trying to picture Heero intimidating my brother into releasing my location. I was more interested in how exasperated and perhaps how relieved the normally stoic soldier sounded. The opportunistic bartender set a beer in front of each of us.

?What did they tell you?? I didn?t give them any specific instructions, I was honestly curious.

?They said you?d taken some ?personal time?. I almost killed Duo when he was the fourth person to say those exact words to me.? He swept back his wet hair from his face with one hand and only managed to give it an even more strangely wind-tossed look. The personal tone exited his voice sharply. ?I won?t allow a breach like this again.?

That made me rather irate. ?It isn?t for you to decide.? I finally worked up the guts to meet his eyes and it was like my ire had been sucked into a vacuum. There was nothing there, no hurt, no anger, no emotion. He gave away nothing and for once I felt actually physically hurt by his refusal to give me anything. I usually rated annoyance, at least on the surface, but now he wouldn?t even offer me that.

He walked out of the bar and I didn?t stop him. Hell, I didn?t even look back.

The bartender came to take away his untouched drink and I stopped him. Pulling the beer closer to me, I choked down my own half finished one before starting it. More would follow if I had anything to say about it.

*
*
*

I assume Trowa brought me home. I don?t remember too clearly. I think I said things, mostly drunken babble interspersed with ?Yuy? and ?bastard?, but I trusted Trowa to conveniently forget most of it. I do remember him asking me several times if I was ok, and then in response to my protests he must have retreated to his room on the opposite side of the large house my brother had rented.

Some scraps of the evening are pleasant enough to recall, like watching TV on my bed, falling over, belatedly noticing I had fallen over and then righting myself only to repeat my amazing lack of ability to sit up. That ate up most of the buzz. Then the shaking hit, and, inevitably, the vomiting. Thank god I had enough presence of mind to make it to the bathroom. Things spun in an unpleasant mockery of reality, as if someone had just put me into a surrealist painting and then spun me around.

I think I started to cry.

Gentle hands, cold but firm, pulled back my hair and helped me right myself from my half collapsed position next to the porcelain god. I felt so much shame for anyone to see me like that even as I was relieved that someone was with me. Both facts just made me cry harder.

?There isn?t anything. I?m not anything. I?m sorry. I?m sorry.? My words were slightly slurred and my mouth tasted bitter. I tried to stand up, and with help I managed to do so. After rinsing out my mouth, I looked into the mirror. My glance ran over my messy hair, bloodshot eyes, and cracked lips to meet a steady Prussian gaze that held mine with rare compassion.

This was worse than I could have hoped for.

?Go away,? I cried harder and covered my face with my hands as wave after wave of shame took me. ?Don?t look at me, just go away.? He let go of me as if to comply with my request, but my shaky legs had been relying on his support and he was forced to catch me before I hit my head against any number of protruding surfaces in the bathroom.

I splashed some water on my face and brushed my teeth very carefully, using Heero as my support. He helped me stumble over to the bed and lie down. As he walked away I grabbed at his hand.

?Don?t go.? I pleaded, still a little drunk and unsure. ?Please.? His eyes closed in some undecipherable burst of emotion and then opened to meet my own.

?Hn.? He sat next to me on the bed and we sat there awkwardly.

I?ll forever blame the alcohol for what I said next.

?I think secretly, I was hoping you?d come find me. I spent years looking for you. It?s only fair.? I laughed at my own lame joke, while not really finding it funny.

He looked at me quizzically, and I brushed some hair out of his face, enjoying the faint stubble as my clumsy fingertips scraped down his face. When he caught my hand my breath caught, and with unrelenting force he pulled me towards him. My head rested against his chest, his arms around my body, and though still dizzy I felt finally comfortable enough to relax and find some sleep.

The next morning I awoke alone but covered in blankets. I pieced together what happened slowly in my mind and smiled to myself over the strange display of affection he had shown me. At the same time his absence gave me a deep sadness and the feeling of absence. That was Heero for you, always leaving me incomplete. My hangover quickly dispelled any other semblance of coherent thought.

I saw a glass of water, some aspirin, and a note next to my bed as I clutched at my head. I took the aspirin and tried to focus on the note.

?No matter where you run, I?ll come for you.?
H.Y.

To others it might have sounded menacing, but I knew the spirit and context in which he had meant that short sentence. Hangover or no, today was a good day.
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miaka mouse
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Post by miaka mouse »

::sigh::

i can't decide which one i like best... but heero holding her in that last one was pretty nice... i luv the little glimpses these vignettes give... the pace gives a feeling of looking in for a moment as life keeps going for them... more!! please!

<?__)~

www.livejournal.com/~miakamouse

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