New Orders - Chapter 5 SHUT UP!

[Amidala]

Disclaimer: I do not own Hellsing, or the characters therein. I am only using them for my own amusement. Do not sue me, as you will only end up with dust bunnies and spider webs from underneath my bed.
As this is a humor-centered story, some of the characters may be a bit 'out of character' but I will try to keep the OOC to a minimum.

Thanks for the reviews, everyone. Keep them coming and I will keep my chapters coming. Thank you to those who understand that this is not a 'serious' story. It was never intended to be "accurate to the series". Just FUN!

Wow, lots of story updating... ff.net and here! enjoy.

Italicized type is what is going on in Integral's mind.


New Orders
SHUT UP!!
By
192455631

Alucard was bored. He missed being able to torment his master each evening when he awakened. He looked forward to it. Now instead of waking and going to torment his master, he had Walter, for his master was at the apartment preparing for a date. Walter was no fun. He didn't get annoyed inside the way his master did, and the police girl was much too sensitive to take his tormenting. No, Integra was the only one he could have fun tormenting. No human amused him the way his current master did. But he found more than just amusement in tormenting Integral. He respected her too. She was a stubborn and prideful young woman, and not willing to back away or back down, even to a monster such as him. It was that pride and stubbornness however that was the cause of his boredom now.

But wait! He sensed her nearby! She was in her office!


Integral sat at her desk in her office going over various reports and paperwork that Walter had put aside for her to look over. The freak vampires were getting stronger. They were more in command of their powers. They were still no match for her Alucard, but now it meant that Alucard was required for even the smallest of disturbances. The human troops were starting to feel useless. Something had to be done about that.

Walter entered the office and walked up to Integral's desk. Integral looked up. She had the feeling she wasn't going to like that the old man had to say.

"Good evening, Sir Integra. Are you up to a date tonight?" the retainer asked.

"Do I have a choice, Walter?" she asked.

"Well, you do, but that would mean disappointing the gentleman who will be waiting for you at the caf?." Walter replied.

Integral groaned and lit a cigar.

As she blew out the smoke from her mouth Alucard appeared from the ceiling upside down behind Walter. "Another date, master?" he asked.

Integral glared at him. "I have orders for you, Alucard."

Alucard righted himself and grinned with anticipation. "Yes, master?" he asked.

"I want you to train that blasted vampire sapling of yours. As she is now, she is useless to me." Integral replied. "I need a vampire who can pull her own with the freaks getting stronger, not a half starved immortal that is weaker physically than a bum on the street."

Alucard took offense. "The police girl is not that weak." He replied.

"Nonetheless, Alucard, she is nothing more than a strong human who cannot see the light of day with heightened senses." Integral replied. "She needs to hone her vampiric abilities. Do I make myself clear?"

Alucard nodded. "It shall be done, Master," he replied as a grin formed on his face. "But wouldn't you rather have me to protect you tonight?"

Integral gave him an icy glare. It was one that would have turned the mightiest of men to goo, but then Alucard was more than just a man. "I do not want you anywhere near me while I am out on my date, is that understood?"

Alucard's grin grew wider. "Would you like a taste of my blood then?"

"GET OUT!" Integral screamed as Walter just shook his head.


Integral arrived at the small but popular caf? in search of the man Walter had set her up with for the evening. It was filled with a mixed crowd, old and young. It was her date that noticed her first. He called out to her with a loud voice that pierced though the noise of the caf?. She quickly found where the voice came from and went to the table where her date was waiting.

He was not at all what she expected. The gentleman was an average looking guy, dressed rather casually. She was glad that she had convinced herself once again not to wear a tie. He had red hair and a moustache. It was obvious that he had been wearing a hat. When she arrived at the table, he stood up and took her by the hand, kissing it.

"Greetings, fair lady. You must be Integral," he replied. "I'm Kurt Miller."

Integral was unimpressed but like she did it seemed like so many times before, she nodded and gave a reply. She hated men to come on to her in this fashion. At least she knew that he wasn't trying to impress her like so many others who wanted something from her. She took her seat.

"Have you eaten?" Kurt asked.

"No. I have not. Have you?" Integral responded.

"I haven't." Kurt replied. "We can eat here. I hear the food is rather good."

The caf? certainly wasn't what she expected but after her night out on the town with Jack, the nice relaxed atmosphere of the caf? would be a nice change.


Alucard took aim once again with Integral's gun. He fired off several rounds at his target, the police girl Seras Victoria. He sighed and shook his head as every shot hit his intended target.

"You are supposed to dodge the bullets, Police Girl, not run into them." Alucard replied.

"I'm sorry, Master," Seras replied.

Alucard was not impressed. "Walter is faster than you," he replied.

Seras tried to change the subject. She knew that her master was not happy with her performance. She tried to change the subject. "Isn't that Sir Integra's gun, Master? Won't she be angry when she finds out that you've taken it?"

"Leave Integra to me, Police Girl." Alucard replied loading another clip into the gun. "I suggest you try harder before she deals with you."

Seras sighed. Unless there was a mission, this was going to be a long night.


Dinner arrived. It was a mound of stuff that smelled good. Looked halfway appetizing, and nobody else seemed to mind. Kurt began to eat and talk at the same time. Integral began to eat as well.

What the heck is he talking about? Can't I eat in peace? Isn't the noise of this place loud enough? Do I have to listen to him talk all night long? My God. What was that? Did he mention vampires? What in the world is he rambling on about now? Dracula, no wait Hellsing. Hellsing? He's talking about Hellsing? My god, he's talking about Abraham van Hellsing. He's telling me my family history.

I am going to strangle Walter for this when I get home. No, I can't do that. I need Walter. I'm sure Walter couldn't have know that this man would bore me to tears over dinner talking about my own family history. If Alucard learns of this I'm never going to hear the end of it I'm sure. Oh god. This is crazy. How long do I have to listen to this?

They had finished dinner as well as desert. Kurt suggested that they take a drive. While in the car, Kurt continued to talk.

Integral was not really listening. She found herself nodding occasionally, more to the rhythm of his pattern of speech than to breaks in his words.

What in the world is he rambling about now? Ninjas? Yakuza? How in the world did he end up talking about ninja and Yakuza? What to they have to do with England and vampires. Who the bloody hell is Masako Tokugawa and what does she have to do with Hellsing? Dragons? Now it's dragons? My head hurts.

Is this Black Rose a vampire? Is that why he's telling me this? The Velvet Trickster? Sounds like a porn star. She's a dragon. Right. I guess stranger things could be. After all, I have a vampire, two vampires in my basement.


Alucard took aim. He emptied the clip into Seras, who dodged about 30% of the bullets. Alucard was not impressed. He released the clip and glared at her. "Not good."

Seras was out of breath. "Master, can't we take a break? We've been at this all night." She replied. "I may be dead but I can still feel being shot at and I don't like it."

Alucard reached into his coat pocket. It was empty. "We will take a break. I need more bullets." With that, Alucard disappeared. He reappeared moments later with more bullets and two packets of medical blood. He tossed one to Seras.

"Drink it, Police Girl," Alucard commanded. "You should be grateful."

Reluctantly, Seras drank. Alucard was right, she should be grateful. The Hellsing Organization provided her with the blood she needed so that she wouldn't have to feed.

Alucard tossed his empty blood packet onto the pile of bullet shells. He waited impatiently for Seras to finish. "Hurry up." Seras drank the last of it. Vampire or not, it still tasted disgusting. She took a deep breath. Back to getting shot at.


The car stopped in front of the cemetery. Integral wondered why her date was bringing her to the cemetery. Kurt had stopped talking about ninjas and the Yakuza and had somehow returned to the subject of vampires and the Hellsing family.

How much longer do I have to put up with this? Is he even award that I am not paying attention? My glasses are filthy. I need a cigar. Damn. I forgot my lighter on my desk. Good God! Is it really that late?

Uncle Richard? Uncle Richard is dead. He's the leader of the Hellsing family? Where does this guy get this stuff? Should I even ask him about my father and his daughter?

Integral interrupted Kurt and his rambling about Richard Hellsing. "Didn't Richard's elder brother have a daughter?" she asked. "I thought that his elder brother left the 'family business' to her, not to Richard. Richard was enraged and died under mysterious circumstances."

Kurt laughed and started going on about how a woman could run such an organization such as Hellsing. It took a man to do something like that.

Now Integral was quite insulted, but Kurt didn't seem to mind. He was now talking about the cemetery. Integral didn't like the cemetery. It brought back too many painful memories. It reminded her of her failure, her failure to her country and to her men, especially since this was where they were buried.

"It is said," Kurt replied, "that this cemetery is haunted by the souls of hundreds of dead soldiers killed by vampires over the years."

The very thought of that almost literally made Integral sick to her stomach. She said a short prayer for her slain soldiers and asked them for forgiveness. "Dear god, I hope not."

My god. Does he ever run out of things to say? Who in their right mind would want to get married in a cemetery? I want to go home...


Alucard sat on the steps outside the Hellsing Manor waiting for his master to return. Seras had made a little progress but Integral would still not be pleased. He has also run out of bullets.

Finally, Integral pulled up in the car. She got out and looked at Alucard.

Alucard stood up to greet his master. "Good evening, Master."

Integral looked at her vampire. "Are you hungry, Alucard?" she asked.

Alucard grinned. "I am always hungry, Master."

Integral handed Alucard a small slip of paper with an address written on it. "A man lives there." She replied as she entered her home.

Alucard watched Integral enter then laughed.



**********************************
Next chapter:And Integral thought the cigar room was bad... wait until she gets a whiff of her next date.

Author's note: Kurt Miller is based on a real person. He can literally talk your ears off. Some of you may have had the dreadful experience of meeting him as he goes to anime cons, at least Anime Expo. He likes to talk about the rpg games he's run. Masako Tokugawa and the Black Rose are my characters from Shadowrun. He is quite fond of telling stories about them, whether or not I approve of it.

[melrose_stormhaven]

Hahahaha...this is one of my favorites....I love this.

[Amidala]

I thought it turned out well. I am glad I flipped the perspective and did Kurt's convos from Integra's head... I think I would have bored myself silly as well as the reader doing it the other way.

BTW... I think I'm going to cut it short... some people seem to be getting bored with the bad dates...

[Stella]

*giggles* I just read the latest chapter on FFN. The ending to this one was great, too.

*dies*

***Alucard grinned. "I am always hungry, Master."

Integral handed Alucard a small slip of paper with an address written on it. "A man lives there." She replied as she entered her home.***


*dies again*
Classic!

Love,
Stella

[Eden]

This was great! Don't cut it short though, the whole fun of the story is to see Integra's bad dates!! I wouldn't have it any other way.

Till next time!

~Eden

[pilot03]

This is some funny stuff. Alucard is bored? Ahhh, he misses his master. I can't wait to see what is waiting for Integral's next date. Maybe she will go out with the only guy worthy of her and Hellsing. Good work!!!

[Amidala]

Well, maybe I just need and interlude... a wee bit of AxI fluff... actually, I'm kinda stuck on what kind of dates to send her out on now. hehe. any suggestions?

[pilot03]

How about seeing her out with a catholic business man, or maybe a military type. You can always squeeze in Alucard to play the hero from a would be date who tries to take advantage of her and catches Intergal by surpise. Perhaps then she could start to realize that maybe Alucard might have some feeling for her and like wise. Man, this is some good stuff. Maybe I could use this. Better to help others I suppose. I'm always ready to lend a hand. Love is in the air, or is that the smell of gun powder??

[Amidala]

Yeah... I thought of a military or merc type... after spending the past couple of nights in crazy RP's as Integra mainly and the other person mainly Pip, I'm not so sure..

But I don't know an thing about catholics. maybe just a religious finatic?